Portlandia 1x4

1. - Megan is running late. - Okay.

2. Hey, did you guys read that thing in "the Newyorker" last month

3. about golf is an analogy for marriage?

4. I did. I did read that.

5. Did you read that

6. in "McSweeney's?"

7. It was comparing cd tracks

8. and album tracks.

9. Did you read that?

10. Yeah.

11. Did you read that thing

12. in "mother Jones" about

13. eco chairs and eco waste?

14. I did... I did.

15. Did you read that thing in

16. "spin" about all the festivals?

17. Did you read that thing

18. in "paste?"

19. It was about the national.

20. Oh, I saw that.

21. Did you see that thing

22. in "dwell" about all

23. the mid-century houses.

24. Yeah... did you read

25. "the New York times?"

26. Yes.

27. "The New York observer?"

28. Yes.

29. "Washington post?"

30. Yes.

31. "Wall street journal"

32. of course, I read it.

33. Did you read that

34. steam punk article

35. in "one way?"

36. I did not like the end of it.

37. Did you read that

38. sky writing over

39. the Williamette river?

40. Yes... did you read

41. that fortune cookie?

42. Yes!

43. From last night?

44. Yes!

45. Did you read it?

46. Yes!

47. There were two.

48. Yes... did you read

49. that thing that guy wrote

50. in the sand on the beach?

51. Yeah.

52. Did you read

53. the "Portland Mercury?"

54. Did you read the?

55. Yeah.

56. Did you read

57. the "Seattle stranger?"

58. Beginning to end.

59. Did you read

60. the "s up weekly?"

61. I loved it!

62. "The Harper lampoon."

63. Well written.

64. Did you read "mad magazine?"

65. I did not like the end of it.

66. Did you read "Cathy?"

67. That was cute.

68. Did you read "family circus?"

69. Sure.

70. Did you read

71. "Calvin and Hobbes?"

72. Sure.

73. Did you read

74. "the Boston globe?"

75. Did you read

76. "the Washington blade?"

77. We read it together.

78. Did you read...

79. Did you read...

80. Did you read?

81. Of course, I did.

82. I read it to a friend of mine.

83. Did you read the closing credits

84. of that movie?

85. Yeah... did you read...

86. did you read it?

87. Do you read "the Bible?"

88. Did you read it?

89. Finger writing on the window?

90. Hi, Maggie.

91. Hey, Maggie!

92. Did you guys, uh,

93. read the new "Portland monthly?"

94. It's crazy.

95. Hey... says "don't walk."

96. Can't you read?

97. Hello, mayor's office.

98. Yes.

99. Do you have an e.T.A.?

100. Why not?

101. All right, bye-bye.

102. Where are you gonna

103. get your book signed?

104. Oh, I'm just gonna

105. do the first blank open page.

106. Oh, I do the title page,

107. usually.

108. Oh, really?

109. Yeah.

110. Mayor's office.

111. You just find out.

112. Find it out.

113. Well...

114. Ma'am, hi... how long,

115. how long do you think

116. it'll be?

117. Just wanna get this signed,

118. that's all.

119. Well, he has

120. the senior citizens in there,

121. you know, and they talk

122. kinda slow.

123. Ma'am, all we want is

124. just a quick signature,

125. a quick hello and then

126. we're outta there.

127. Yes, but...

128. where'd she go?

129. I don't know.

130. Is someone chasing her

131. or something?

132. Well-well-well-well...

133. Ma'am, all we want

134. is just a quick signature

135. and then we're outta here,

136. I promise.

137. Well, I'm gonna tell ya

138. the truth, the mayor happens

139. to have a draining cyst

140. on his check

141. and it's really kind of ugly

142. and he doesn't

143. wanna be seen that way.

144. You know what?

145. I don't care about

146. a draining cyst.

147. Everyone has stuff like that.

148. He's a vain man.

149. Okay, I feel like

150. if he knew we were here

151. he would just run out

152. and say, "hey, Fred.

153. "Hey, Carrie."

154. Yes?

155. By the wharf.

156. The wharf?

157. Nothing.

158. Well *** It.

159. Got some... l-lot of drama

160. going on, huh?

161. There's a lot going on.

162. There's a lot-lot-lot

163. going on.

164. You can just him know

165. that we're here, please.

166. Gosh, she's so amped up.

167. She's running full speed.

168. You know, why don't we

169. just go in there?

170. I don't know

171. what she's doing.

172. Okay, let's go.

173. Mr. mayor?

174. How are you?

175. Could you just sign

176. our books real quick?

177. Oh, sure,

178. I'll sign your book.

179. Just, uh...

180. Ma'am.

181. Ma'am.

182. What are,

183. what are you doing?

184. What's going on?

185. The mayor is missing.

186. Well, when's the last time

187. you saw him?

188. Two days ago.

189. We gotta go find him.

190. Yeah, let's go.

191. Hi.

192. Hi, can we help you?

193. I'm Beth.

194. Hi.

195. The house sitter.

196. Oh, right, okay.

197. We're gonna shut this

198. and open the front door,

199. okay?

200. Just to let you in

201. 'cause you can't fit

202. through here.

203. Thank you for

204. house sitting for us.

205. Yeah.

206. We really appreciate it.

207. Wow, this is really nice.

208. It is.

209. It is... yes.

210. This is...

211. this is our kitchen.

212. This is like a living being.

213. I mean the whole house,

214. you gotta treat it with love

215. and affection and attention.

216. So when is, um, trash day?

217. Oh, we don't

218. observe trash day.

219. Oh, okay.

220. What do you want me to do

221. with the garbage?

222. Just photograph

223. the bags of trash

224. and send it to us

225. and we'll judge from there.

226. Uh, okay.

227. Okay.

228. I just wanna show you

229. what it's like when you sleep.

230. I often, uh,

231. I'll do this expression...

232. And then waking up

233. I try to do a...

234. What time is it?

235. I'll just lay down.

236. See these books?

237. Yeah.

238. Don't ever open them.

239. Okay.

240. They're not for reading.

241. Cool.

242. And those pears...

243. this is not a lie,

244. they're 700 years old.

245. Should I get the mail?

246. I don't think

247. I've ever received mail here.

248. This is the light.

249. Oh, is there like

250. a weird thing about it?

251. Just-just watch

252. when I do it, okay?

253. You don't have to

254. talk through it.

255. Just watch me.

256. The tendency here is

257. because I'm nearsighted,

258. I get in really close.

259. And, as soon as she calls

260. my name you can hit

261. your head on here.

262. Yeah.

263. From the alarm of

264. hearing your name.

265. Bryce!

266. Then there's that.

267. I was hit

268. and was disoriented

269. and my eyes went here

270. and it scratched my corneas.

271. My God!

272. And as I came...

273. put my hand up to sort of

274. stop some of the scratching

275. going further,

276. I had lost my balance

277. and hit my temples on here.

278. And you got a lot of

279. smashing of the temples

280. as you're trying

281. to regain your balance.

282. So you got your jaw hitting it

283. and you're trying to call

284. for help and your teeth

285. are hitting the edge

286. of the counter.

287. That bouncing is what

288. can knock you out to the point

289. where you can't get

290. the same cup

291. that you'd get usually.

292. See what I'm saying?

293. Honestly, I'm not gonna

294. go crazy on the counter

295. or anything.

296. I mean I'll just like,

297. do one of, one of these.

298. Otherwise, like I said,

299. you know...

300. Yeah.

301. Okay.

302. That's the last room.

303. This is the end of the tour.

304. Okay, cool.

305. Oh.

306. So you're clear on everything

307. we told you with the house?

308. Yep.

309. You good?

310. Yeah.

311. We're entrusting our house

312. with you, Beth.

313. The minute you leave

314. my boyfriend's

315. not gonna come over.

316. We're not gonna make out

317. on the couch or anything.

318. Why did you bring it up?

319. That was weird.

320. I was kidding.

321. We will be back

322. in two hours.

323. Did you just say

324. two hours?

325. Sorry?

326. Did you say two hours?

327. Yes.

328. You're coming back here

329. in two hours?

330. Yeah.

331. Bryce.

332. See ya then.

333. Okaz...

334. Hi.

335. Hi.

336. Hi, how are you?

337. Good, how are you guys?

338. Actually, we are looking

339. for somebody.

340. We're looking specifically

341. for the mayor of Portland.

342. And we were wondering

343. if you could trace him using

344. satellite technology to

345. pinpoint his exact location.

346. Like, maybe he's got

347. his phone on him and you can

348. track it on a map.

349. I-I think that exists.

350. Are you on his family plan?

351. We're not.

352. Oh, well, then we can

353. only help you track

354. if he is on the family plan.

355. Oh, really?

356. Yeah, legally,

357. we're not allowed to do it.

358. Damn it.

359. Damn it... all right.

360. Do you guys wanna sign up

361. for a family plan?

362. Yes.

363. Sure... his family plan?

364. We can do that?

365. No, you start a family plan

366. and you just ad him to it

367. and then I can help you

368. locate him using

369. the find my phone feature.

370. That's great.

371. Yes, we would like to do that.

372. It's standard on

373. all our plans.

374. Well, we're not like kicking

375. out someone in his family

376. to do that, right?

377. Just a new plan.

378. It starts over.

379. This is a fresh start.

380. Actually, the program

381. is called "fresh start."

382. Yeah, why would you

383. be concerned about

384. kicking someone out

385. in his family?

386. That's not

387. what this is about.

388. Um, the basic plan we have

389. for the family is, uh,

390. the family talk plan.

391. It's called "all talk."

392. You get 400 anytime minutes

393. which you can use anytime.

394. There's another one called

395. "even more family."

396. And that is

397. 400 anytime minutes

398. unlimited nights and weekends.

399. That sounds great.

400. We'll do that.

401. There's more options.

402. Can I... there's, uh,

403. "even mo family unlimited"

404. which is unlimited minutes

405. and texting plus web.

406. Okay, so, one doesn't

407. have texting...

408. The other doesn't have web.

409. We'll just get one

410. that has everything.

411. Okay, well then you want

412. "the simply everything" plan.

413. Okay.

414. Great.

415. Um, there's also

416. "simply everything plus."

417. Which is what?

418. Simply everything

419. plus texting.

420. What we want is

421. your most standard,

422. basic, family plan

423. with a satellite locator.

424. "This changes everything"

425. plan is what you want then.

426. Yes, that'd be great.

427. We would like to sign up

428. for that plan.

429. We are ready to do that.

430. Awesome, all right.

431. Let me run through

432. a couple for plans we have.

433. We have the "strive plan,

434. "the go getter plan,

435. "the free and clear plan."

436. Didn't we already sign up

437. for a plan?

438. Why is this a new plan?

439. Time is of the essence.

440. This is the mayor of Portland.

441. He could be

442. lying in a ditch somewhere.

443. He might have been kidnapped.

444. Right on...

445. Um, do you guys want

446. the data pro or the data plus.

447. What do most people get?

448. It's about 50-50 split

449. on that one.

450. What's the last one you did?

451. The last transaction.

452. Did they do plus or data pro?

453. Actually, that information

454. is confidential...

455. But I have their phone number

456. so I'm gonna call 'em

457. right now.

458. No, I don't care.

459. The pro.

460. Pro... we want pro.

461. Great news!

462. You can add another line

463. for $5 a month.

464. Yes.

465. You guys wanna

466. add another line for $5?

467. I would love that... yes.

468. Great, so you guys

469. are all set.

470. That is the plan, simply

471. every thing, every thing,

472. uh, shared anytime minutes

473. plus roll over.

474. Okay, now we pick

475. your besties list which is

476. five people which you can call

477. even if they're outside

478. your network.

479. I don't know.

480. No, it's you, me, and

481. the mayor.

482. You get five.

483. We'll pick

484. the other two later.

485. We'll do it online.

486. I didn't get your names yet.

487. What are your names?

488. Fred and Carrie.

489. All right, so I'll put him

490. on your list, too?

491. What's your name again?

492. I'm sorry.

493. Fred.

494. So now we just have to

495. chose the phone.

496. Our most popular models

497. right now are

498. the vitrio charismo.

499. That's the one we want.

500. Epiphany, torque,

501. dazzle, create...

502. it's the first one

503. you said.

504. I actually want the torque.

505. Good choice.

506. Carrie?

507. All right.

508. Now our most popular colors

509. for those are bubble gum,

510. metallic bubble gum.

511. Great.

512. Metallic pumpkin.

513. And pumpkin.

514. What's the difference?

515. Carrie...

516. this is an emergency.

517. Any color is fine.

518. Two pumpkin phones.

519. One vitrio one torque.

520. Thank you.

521. Great, okay.

522. So you're all set.

523. You're all signed up.

524. Now there is a nominal fee

525. if you wanna keep your

526. current phone number.

527. Yeah, I thought that was

528. a free service.

529. After you pay for it,

530. it is free, so...

531. Okay.

532. It's just a one time fee

533. that you pay annually.

534. It's not a one time fee

535. but...

536. it is one time in that

537. you only pay one time a year.

538. Great.

539. That's not one time.

540. I know, let's just...

541. All right great,

542. you guys are ready

543. to pick out your sunglasses.

544. What sunglasses?

545. We do have a promotion

546. right now where you get

547. a pair of free wild side

548. sunglasses.

549. They help you bring out

550. your wild side.

551. No, we'll pass, thank you.

552. Let's just get

553. the "bitch" one.

554. You want the pink one

555. that says "bitch" on it.

556. Okay...

557. You don't have to say it.

558. All right, great.

559. Thank you.

560. So what'd you guys come in

561. for again?

562. We wanna find our bestie,

563. our friend on the map.

564. The mayor.

565. Right, the mayor.

566. Let me type in

567. the mayor's number.

568. Wow... so cool.

569. Oh, my God... there he is.

570. He's in northwest.

571. Got it.

572. You know how to get there?

573. Yes.

574. Okay... thank you.

575. Sir, thanks.

576. Thank you.

577. Hey, sunflowers.

578. It's my birthday.

579. Hello, tree.

580. Hi, street lamp.

581. How you doing?

582. Puppy... woof-woof!

583. It's my birthday!

584. I made a home-made quesadilla.

585. We are so lucky to live here.

586. Where the

587. Is everyone?

588. Hey, lady, watch out,

589. watch out, watch out,

590. watch out, watch out!

591. Move, move, move, move,

592. move-move-move!

593. No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

594. Yay.

595. God, that took us

596. forever!

597. What is this place?

598. Wait, there he is.

599. Oh, Mr. mayor.

600. Hi.

601. Mr. mayor.

602. Everyone's looking for you.

603. The whole city.

604. Fred.

605. That's not the mayor.

606. Take the glasses off, bitch.

607. Oh, sorry, sir.

608. Oh, here.

609. Mr. mayor?

610. Carrie.

611. Sorry, ma'am.

612. Must have left already

613. or something.

614. Yeah.

615. Uh, can I get

616. a milkshake, please?

617. Fred.

618. No way.

619. That's the mayor.

620. He's playing bass.

621. He's in a reggae band.

622. I feel a little weird

623. saying this,

624. but I like this.

625. I-I love this.

626. And he's not like,

627. trying to, like overshadow

628. the rest of the band.

629. He's like laying it down.

630. No, he's laying back.

631. Like a good bass player

632. kinda lays back a little bit.

633. Except for like minute man

634. and those bands where like

635. they play high on the neck.

636. You sound good.

637. We've been looking for you.

638. We like how you play.

639. Uh, how's that

640. milkshake coming, friend?

641. Not too cold on that, right?

642. Where's the stage?

643. Julia.

644. Oh, hi, Mr. kraggen.

645. Uh, just call me kraggen.

646. Welcome.

647. Okay, kraggen.

648. Are you excited

649. for your first day?

650. I am.

651. You ready to make some ads

652. and commercials?

653. Yeah.

654. Yeah, we are, to.

655. I was telling my colleague

656. about you and literally

657. without skipping a beat

658. he was like,

659. through the roof,

660. flipping out.

661. Wow, that's so...

662. like, he couldn't stop

663. gushing about you.

664. Hey, um, we've got a meeting

665. in like five minutes.

666. This meeting is huge!

667. Okay, wait,

668. but how do I get up there?

669. Kraggen?

670. Whoa!

671. Hey, nice catch.

672. We're ordering disks

673. for the whole office.

674. What's your size?

675. What size of disk?

676. Wait, what?

677. Julia... here.

678. Oh, hey!

679. Did you get turned around?

680. Yeah.

681. You need a GPS?

682. Uh, the meeting's like

683. in five minutes

684. in the basket.

685. Wait, what?

686. In the basket.

687. Oh, I don't know

688. what size I am for that.

689. In here.

690. What?

691. Let's go.

692. I mean, what are we doing?

693. Sign this here.

694. Surprise!

695. Oh, my gosh.

696. I guess this is for you.

697. Happy Birthday.

698. Thank you.

699. That means so much to me.

700. Hey, Happy Birthday.

701. I gotta go.

702. Thank you so much.

703. Who was that?

704. Ow, geez... what the?

705. Hey, we're mood showering.

706. We hit you with the ball

707. and you tell us the first thing

708. that comes to mind about

709. sportswear.

710. Ow!

711. Julia... Julia.

712. Hey, kraggen.

713. Our meeting's starting soon.

714. Come on up.

715. Okay... yeah.

716. Take the elevator.

717. Just come meet me.

718. Hey, I'm doing a video

719. for my blog.

720. What's your favorite burger?

721. Hey, how's it going?

722. Is it okay if I take

723. your photograph?

724. Julia, you better

725. get up here... come on.

726. Kraggen, I'm trying.

727. Uh, wait, uh, kraggen.

728. Kraggen.

729. Kraggen?

730. Julia.

731. Kraggen.

732. Hey.

733. Come play air guitar with us.

734. It's all good.

735. It's Tucker's birthday,

736. the party's about to start.

737. Happy Birthday.

738. Kraggen!

739. Julia.

740. Where's the basket?

741. Hey, you wanna break?

742. Kraggen!

743. Just...

744. I'll meet you over here.

745. You made it.

746. I did.

747. It took a while, huh?

748. Having too much fun?

749. Come on, this way.

750. Julia.

751. What?

752. I just wanted to tell you

753. that I did what you said.

754. Sorry?

755. I stayed cool.

756. Like you wrote on the card.

757. Oh, right... okay, yeah.

758. You came up with that.

759. Simple and so meaningful.

760. It's like remaining cool.

761. You're really good.

762. She's creative.

763. I know, I can tell.

764. Stay cool.

765. Yeah, you, too.

766. You already are.

767. Okay.

768. I'll stay cool, too.

769. Good luck with that.

770. She ribbing me,

771. by the way.

772. That's how we kid

773. with each other.

774. Uh, you're gonna need these.

775. What for?

776. You'll see.

777. Kraggen, what's happening?

778. It's gonna be okay.

779. Okay, so let's start

780. the meeting.

781. Julia, do you have any ideas

782. right off the bat?

783. I wanna thank you

784. for coming today...

785. On this cloudy,

786. Portland afternoon.

787. It's, um, been a difficult time

788. for my family and for me.

789. First and foremost, wanna say,

790. yes, I was playing bass

791. in a dubbed reggae band

792. called "king Desmond

793. "and the accelerators."

794. A reggae band?

795. Yes.

796. Floyd, Gerald,

797. Brian, Willy.

798. Reggae, that's a

799. dirty secret in some ways...

800. and he just he went ahead

801. and just came right out.

802. Yeah.

803. What part do you play,

804. Mr. mayor?

805. Do you play an instrument?

806. Are you a singer?

807. What do you do?

808. I sit in a as

809. a bass player.

810. What kind of bass

811. do you have?

812. I had a rickenbacker 4003

813. that was just killer.

814. Uh, but right now,

815. no, I'm playing a

816. classic Fender precision.

817. Those have a great

818. low end.

819. Unbelievable.

820. Who are your influences?

821. Jeez, I mean Augustus Pablo

822. for me is like,

823. he's king, you know.

824. Wow, he's into some

825. root stuff, huh?

826. I can't believe his wife

827. is so supportive.

828. Excuse me, Mr. mayor,

829. would you say this is

830. dance hall

831. or real roots reggae.

832. This is real roots reggae.

833. We don't mess around.

834. Cool.

835. Once you go dub,

836. you never go back.

837. You know what I'm saying?

838. Sir, with all due respect,

839. would you consider yourself

840. a skippa or rude boy?

841. Well, you know,

842. if you can open up your heart

843. and you can feel the sun

844. and you can feel the music

845. all is good

846. and all is forgiven.

847. I'm sorry wh-what?

848. It's a new lyric

849. that I've been working on

850. with the band and I've... uh,

851. and it's, um...

852. It's, uh.

853. That's me.

854. Sorry about that.

855. We'll wait.

856. Yes?

857. Great news right now.

858. No, I-I'm fine

859. with my wireless plan.

860. It-it-it's Johnny

861. from wireless toyz.

862. Why is he calling right now?

863. My besties?

864. Oh, she's right here.

865. Oh, the besties plan...

866. yeah.

867. Hey.

868. No, I'm fine with

869. my besties list.

870. Yeah, I wanna keep it

871. the same.

872. He got rid of the glasses.

873. Everyone was calling him

874. "bitch."

875. Don't call again.

876. Bye.

877. Sorry.

878. Okay.

879. On you go.

880. Two of the...

881. my favorite people

882. over there.

883. Uh, anyway, where was I?

884. But if you do leave

885. the country you will have to

886. sign up for our geo plan.

887. Can we do that online

888. afterwards?

889. Well, if you do

890. change your mind later

891. then you have to sign

892. a new two year contract.

893. So six months from now

894. you decide...

895. Oh, I wanna also

896. get the geo plan

897. 'cause I'm going to...

898. Let's say luxemburg,

899. or something, then,

900. it would be another two years

901. from that, that you

902. would have the plan.

903. We just want any plan

904. that is above the nothing plan.

905. There is no nothing plan.

906. Nothing plan is what you guys

907. had when you were outside.

908. Okay, you know

909. what she means.