1. - Megan is running late.
- Okay.
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2. Hey, did you guys read that thing
in "the Newyorker" last month
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3. about golf is an analogy
for marriage?
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4. I did.
I did read that.
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5. Did you read that
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6. in "McSweeney's?"
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7. It was comparing cd tracks
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8. and album tracks.
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9. Did you read that?
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10. Yeah.
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11. Did you read that thing
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12. in "mother Jones" about
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13. eco chairs and eco waste?
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14. I did... I did.
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15. Did you read that thing in
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16. "spin" about all the festivals?
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17. Did you read that thing
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18. in "paste?"
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19. It was about the national.
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20. Oh, I saw that.
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21. Did you see that thing
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22. in "dwell" about all
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23. the mid-century houses.
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24. Yeah... did you read
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25. "the New York times?"
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26. Yes.
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27. "The New York observer?"
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28. Yes.
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29. "Washington post?"
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30. Yes.
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31. "Wall street journal"
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32. of course, I read it.
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33. Did you read that
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34. steam punk article
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35. in "one way?"
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36. I did not like the end of it.
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37. Did you read that
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38. sky writing over
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39. the Williamette river?
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40. Yes... did you read
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41. that fortune cookie?
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42. Yes!
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43. From last night?
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44. Yes!
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45. Did you read it?
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46. Yes!
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47. There were two.
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48. Yes... did you read
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49. that thing that guy wrote
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50. in the sand on the beach?
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51. Yeah.
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52. Did you read
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53. the "Portland Mercury?"
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54. Did you read the?
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55. Yeah.
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56. Did you read
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57. the "Seattle stranger?"
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58. Beginning to end.
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59. Did you read
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60. the "s up weekly?"
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61. I loved it!
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62. "The Harper lampoon."
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63. Well written.
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64. Did you read "mad magazine?"
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65. I did not like the end of it.
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66. Did you read "Cathy?"
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67. That was cute.
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68. Did you read "family circus?"
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69. Sure.
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70. Did you read
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71. "Calvin and Hobbes?"
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72. Sure.
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73. Did you read
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74. "the Boston globe?"
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75. Did you read
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76. "the Washington blade?"
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77. We read it together.
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78. Did you read...
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79. Did you read...
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80. Did you read?
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81. Of course, I did.
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82. I read it to a friend of mine.
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83. Did you read the closing credits
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84. of that movie?
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85. Yeah... did you read...
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86. did you read it?
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87. Do you read "the Bible?"
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88. Did you read it?
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89. Finger writing on the window?
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90. Hi, Maggie.
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91. Hey, Maggie!
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92. Did you guys, uh,
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93. read the new "Portland monthly?"
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94. It's crazy.
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95. Hey... says "don't walk."
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96. Can't you read?
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97. Hello, mayor's office.
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98. Yes.
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99. Do you have an e.T.A.?
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100. Why not?
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101. All right, bye-bye.
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102. Where are you gonna
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103. get your book signed?
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104. Oh, I'm just gonna
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105. do the first blank open page.
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106. Oh, I do the title page,
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107. usually.
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108. Oh, really?
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109. Yeah.
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110. Mayor's office.
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111. You just find out.
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112. Find it out.
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113. Well...
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114. Ma'am, hi... how long,
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115. how long do you think
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116. it'll be?
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117. Just wanna get this signed,
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118. that's all.
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119. Well, he has
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120. the senior citizens in there,
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121. you know, and they talk
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122. kinda slow.
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123. Ma'am, all we want is
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124. just a quick signature,
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125. a quick hello and then
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126. we're outta there.
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127. Yes, but...
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128. where'd she go?
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129. I don't know.
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130. Is someone chasing her
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131. or something?
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132. Well-well-well-well...
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133. Ma'am, all we want
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134. is just a quick signature
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135. and then we're outta here,
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136. I promise.
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137. Well, I'm gonna tell ya
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138. the truth, the mayor happens
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139. to have a draining cyst
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140. on his check
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141. and it's really kind of ugly
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142. and he doesn't
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143. wanna be seen that way.
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144. You know what?
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145. I don't care about
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146. a draining cyst.
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147. Everyone has stuff like that.
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148. He's a vain man.
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149. Okay, I feel like
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150. if he knew we were here
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151. he would just run out
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152. and say, "hey, Fred.
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153. "Hey, Carrie."
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154. Yes?
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155. By the wharf.
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156. The wharf?
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157. Nothing.
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158. Well *** It.
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159. Got some... l-lot of drama
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160. going on, huh?
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161. There's a lot going on.
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162. There's a lot-lot-lot
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163. going on.
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164. You can just him know
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165. that we're here, please.
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166. Gosh, she's so amped up.
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167. She's running full speed.
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168. You know, why don't we
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169. just go in there?
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170. I don't know
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171. what she's doing.
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172. Okay, let's go.
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173. Mr. mayor?
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174. How are you?
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175. Could you just sign
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176. our books real quick?
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177. Oh, sure,
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178. I'll sign your book.
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179. Just, uh...
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180. Ma'am.
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181. Ma'am.
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182. What are,
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183. what are you doing?
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184. What's going on?
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185. The mayor is missing.
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186. Well, when's the last time
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187. you saw him?
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188. Two days ago.
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189. We gotta go find him.
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190. Yeah, let's go.
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191. Hi.
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192. Hi, can we help you?
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193. I'm Beth.
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194. Hi.
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195. The house sitter.
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196. Oh, right, okay.
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197. We're gonna shut this
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198. and open the front door,
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199. okay?
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200. Just to let you in
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201. 'cause you can't fit
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202. through here.
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203. Thank you for
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204. house sitting for us.
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205. Yeah.
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206. We really appreciate it.
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207. Wow, this is really nice.
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208. It is.
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209. It is... yes.
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210. This is...
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211. this is our kitchen.
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212. This is like a living being.
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213. I mean the whole house,
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214. you gotta treat it with love
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215. and affection and attention.
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216. So when is, um, trash day?
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217. Oh, we don't
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218. observe trash day.
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219. Oh, okay.
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220. What do you want me to do
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221. with the garbage?
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222. Just photograph
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223. the bags of trash
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224. and send it to us
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225. and we'll judge from there.
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226. Uh, okay.
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227. Okay.
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228. I just wanna show you
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229. what it's like when you sleep.
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230. I often, uh,
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231. I'll do this expression...
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232. And then waking up
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233. I try to do a...
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234. What time is it?
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235. I'll just lay down.
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236. See these books?
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237. Yeah.
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238. Don't ever open them.
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239. Okay.
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240. They're not for reading.
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241. Cool.
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242. And those pears...
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243. this is not a lie,
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244. they're 700 years old.
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245. Should I get the mail?
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246. I don't think
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247. I've ever received mail here.
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248. This is the light.
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249. Oh, is there like
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250. a weird thing about it?
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251. Just-just watch
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252. when I do it, okay?
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253. You don't have to
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254. talk through it.
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255. Just watch me.
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256. The tendency here is
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257. because I'm nearsighted,
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258. I get in really close.
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259. And, as soon as she calls
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260. my name you can hit
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261. your head on here.
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262. Yeah.
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263. From the alarm of
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264. hearing your name.
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265. Bryce!
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266. Then there's that.
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267. I was hit
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268. and was disoriented
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269. and my eyes went here
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270. and it scratched my corneas.
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271. My God!
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272. And as I came...
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273. put my hand up to sort of
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274. stop some of the scratching
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275. going further,
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276. I had lost my balance
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277. and hit my temples on here.
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278. And you got a lot of
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279. smashing of the temples
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280. as you're trying
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281. to regain your balance.
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282. So you got your jaw hitting it
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283. and you're trying to call
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284. for help and your teeth
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285. are hitting the edge
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286. of the counter.
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287. That bouncing is what
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288. can knock you out to the point
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289. where you can't get
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290. the same cup
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291. that you'd get usually.
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292. See what I'm saying?
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293. Honestly, I'm not gonna
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294. go crazy on the counter
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295. or anything.
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296. I mean I'll just like,
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297. do one of, one of these.
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298. Otherwise, like I said,
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299. you know...
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300. Yeah.
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301. Okay.
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302. That's the last room.
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303. This is the end of the tour.
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304. Okay, cool.
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305. Oh.
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306. So you're clear on everything
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307. we told you with the house?
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308. Yep.
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309. You good?
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310. Yeah.
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311. We're entrusting our house
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312. with you, Beth.
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313. The minute you leave
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314. my boyfriend's
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315. not gonna come over.
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316. We're not gonna make out
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317. on the couch or anything.
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318. Why did you bring it up?
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319. That was weird.
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320. I was kidding.
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321. We will be back
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322. in two hours.
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323. Did you just say
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324. two hours?
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325. Sorry?
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326. Did you say two hours?
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327. Yes.
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328. You're coming back here
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329. in two hours?
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330. Yeah.
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331. Bryce.
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332. See ya then.
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333. Okaz...
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334. Hi.
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335. Hi.
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336. Hi, how are you?
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337. Good, how are you guys?
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338. Actually, we are looking
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339. for somebody.
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340. We're looking specifically
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341. for the mayor of Portland.
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342. And we were wondering
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343. if you could trace him using
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344. satellite technology to
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345. pinpoint his exact location.
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346. Like, maybe he's got
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347. his phone on him and you can
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348. track it on a map.
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349. I-I think that exists.
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350. Are you on his family plan?
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351. We're not.
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352. Oh, well, then we can
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353. only help you track
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354. if he is on the family plan.
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355. Oh, really?
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356. Yeah, legally,
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357. we're not allowed to do it.
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358. Damn it.
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359. Damn it... all right.
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360. Do you guys wanna sign up
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361. for a family plan?
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362. Yes.
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363. Sure... his family plan?
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364. We can do that?
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365. No, you start a family plan
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366. and you just ad him to it
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367. and then I can help you
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368. locate him using
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369. the find my phone feature.
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370. That's great.
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371. Yes, we would like to do that.
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372. It's standard on
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373. all our plans.
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374. Well, we're not like kicking
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375. out someone in his family
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376. to do that, right?
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377. Just a new plan.
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378. It starts over.
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379. This is a fresh start.
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380. Actually, the program
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381. is called "fresh start."
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382. Yeah, why would you
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383. be concerned about
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384. kicking someone out
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385. in his family?
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386. That's not
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387. what this is about.
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388. Um, the basic plan we have
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389. for the family is, uh,
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390. the family talk plan.
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391. It's called "all talk."
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392. You get 400 anytime minutes
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393. which you can use anytime.
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394. There's another one called
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395. "even more family."
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396. And that is
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397. 400 anytime minutes
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398. unlimited nights and weekends.
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399. That sounds great.
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400. We'll do that.
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401. There's more options.
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402. Can I... there's, uh,
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403. "even mo family unlimited"
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404. which is unlimited minutes
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405. and texting plus web.
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406. Okay, so, one doesn't
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407. have texting...
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408. The other doesn't have web.
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409. We'll just get one
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410. that has everything.
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411. Okay, well then you want
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412. "the simply everything" plan.
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413. Okay.
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414. Great.
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415. Um, there's also
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416. "simply everything plus."
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417. Which is what?
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418. Simply everything
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419. plus texting.
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420. What we want is
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421. your most standard,
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422. basic, family plan
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423. with a satellite locator.
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424. "This changes everything"
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425. plan is what you want then.
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426. Yes, that'd be great.
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427. We would like to sign up
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428. for that plan.
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429. We are ready to do that.
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430. Awesome, all right.
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431. Let me run through
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432. a couple for plans we have.
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433. We have the "strive plan,
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434. "the go getter plan,
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435. "the free and clear plan."
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436. Didn't we already sign up
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437. for a plan?
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438. Why is this a new plan?
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439. Time is of the essence.
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440. This is the mayor of Portland.
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441. He could be
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442. lying in a ditch somewhere.
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443. He might have been kidnapped.
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444. Right on...
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445. Um, do you guys want
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446. the data pro or the data plus.
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447. What do most people get?
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448. It's about 50-50 split
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449. on that one.
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450. What's the last one you did?
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451. The last transaction.
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452. Did they do plus or data pro?
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453. Actually, that information
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454. is confidential...
Copy !req
455. But I have their phone number
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456. so I'm gonna call 'em
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457. right now.
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458. No, I don't care.
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459. The pro.
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460. Pro... we want pro.
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461. Great news!
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462. You can add another line
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463. for $5 a month.
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464. Yes.
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465. You guys wanna
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466. add another line for $5?
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467. I would love that... yes.
Copy !req
468. Great, so you guys
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469. are all set.
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470. That is the plan, simply
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471. every thing, every thing,
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472. uh, shared anytime minutes
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473. plus roll over.
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474. Okay, now we pick
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475. your besties list which is
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476. five people which you can call
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477. even if they're outside
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478. your network.
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479. I don't know.
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480. No, it's you, me, and
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481. the mayor.
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482. You get five.
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483. We'll pick
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484. the other two later.
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485. We'll do it online.
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486. I didn't get your names yet.
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487. What are your names?
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488. Fred and Carrie.
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489. All right, so I'll put him
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490. on your list, too?
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491. What's your name again?
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492. I'm sorry.
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493. Fred.
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494. So now we just have to
Copy !req
495. chose the phone.
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496. Our most popular models
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497. right now are
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498. the vitrio charismo.
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499. That's the one we want.
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500. Epiphany, torque,
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501. dazzle, create...
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502. it's the first one
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503. you said.
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504. I actually want the torque.
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505. Good choice.
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506. Carrie?
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507. All right.
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508. Now our most popular colors
Copy !req
509. for those are bubble gum,
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510. metallic bubble gum.
Copy !req
511. Great.
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512. Metallic pumpkin.
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513. And pumpkin.
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514. What's the difference?
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515. Carrie...
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516. this is an emergency.
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517. Any color is fine.
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518. Two pumpkin phones.
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519. One vitrio one torque.
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520. Thank you.
Copy !req
521. Great, okay.
Copy !req
522. So you're all set.
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523. You're all signed up.
Copy !req
524. Now there is a nominal fee
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525. if you wanna keep your
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526. current phone number.
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527. Yeah, I thought that was
Copy !req
528. a free service.
Copy !req
529. After you pay for it,
Copy !req
530. it is free, so...
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531. Okay.
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532. It's just a one time fee
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533. that you pay annually.
Copy !req
534. It's not a one time fee
Copy !req
535. but...
Copy !req
536. it is one time in that
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537. you only pay one time a year.
Copy !req
538. Great.
Copy !req
539. That's not one time.
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540. I know, let's just...
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541. All right great,
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542. you guys are ready
Copy !req
543. to pick out your sunglasses.
Copy !req
544. What sunglasses?
Copy !req
545. We do have a promotion
Copy !req
546. right now where you get
Copy !req
547. a pair of free wild side
Copy !req
548. sunglasses.
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549. They help you bring out
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550. your wild side.
Copy !req
551. No, we'll pass, thank you.
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552. Let's just get
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553. the "bitch" one.
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554. You want the pink one
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555. that says "bitch" on it.
Copy !req
556. Okay...
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557. You don't have to say it.
Copy !req
558. All right, great.
Copy !req
559. Thank you.
Copy !req
560. So what'd you guys come in
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561. for again?
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562. We wanna find our bestie,
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563. our friend on the map.
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564. The mayor.
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565. Right, the mayor.
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566. Let me type in
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567. the mayor's number.
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568. Wow... so cool.
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569. Oh, my God... there he is.
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570. He's in northwest.
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571. Got it.
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572. You know how to get there?
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573. Yes.
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574. Okay... thank you.
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575. Sir, thanks.
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576. Thank you.
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577. Hey, sunflowers.
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578. It's my birthday.
Copy !req
579. Hello, tree.
Copy !req
580. Hi, street lamp.
Copy !req
581. How you doing?
Copy !req
582. Puppy... woof-woof!
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583. It's my birthday!
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584. I made a home-made quesadilla.
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585. We are so lucky to live here.
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586. Where the
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587. Is everyone?
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588. Hey, lady, watch out,
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589. watch out, watch out,
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590. watch out, watch out!
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591. Move, move, move, move,
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592. move-move-move!
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593. No-no-no-no-no-no-no!
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594. Yay.
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595. God, that took us
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596. forever!
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597. What is this place?
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598. Wait, there he is.
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599. Oh, Mr. mayor.
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600. Hi.
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601. Mr. mayor.
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602. Everyone's looking for you.
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603. The whole city.
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604. Fred.
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605. That's not the mayor.
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606. Take the glasses off, bitch.
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607. Oh, sorry, sir.
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608. Oh, here.
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609. Mr. mayor?
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610. Carrie.
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611. Sorry, ma'am.
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612. Must have left already
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613. or something.
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614. Yeah.
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615. Uh, can I get
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616. a milkshake, please?
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617. Fred.
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618. No way.
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619. That's the mayor.
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620. He's playing bass.
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621. He's in a reggae band.
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622. I feel a little weird
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623. saying this,
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624. but I like this.
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625. I-I love this.
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626. And he's not like,
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627. trying to, like overshadow
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628. the rest of the band.
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629. He's like laying it down.
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630. No, he's laying back.
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631. Like a good bass player
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632. kinda lays back a little bit.
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633. Except for like minute man
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634. and those bands where like
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635. they play high on the neck.
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636. You sound good.
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637. We've been looking for you.
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638. We like how you play.
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639. Uh, how's that
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640. milkshake coming, friend?
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641. Not too cold on that, right?
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642. Where's the stage?
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643. Julia.
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644. Oh, hi, Mr. kraggen.
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645. Uh, just call me kraggen.
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646. Welcome.
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647. Okay, kraggen.
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648. Are you excited
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649. for your first day?
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650. I am.
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651. You ready to make some ads
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652. and commercials?
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653. Yeah.
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654. Yeah, we are, to.
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655. I was telling my colleague
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656. about you and literally
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657. without skipping a beat
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658. he was like,
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659. through the roof,
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660. flipping out.
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661. Wow, that's so...
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662. like, he couldn't stop
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663. gushing about you.
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664. Hey, um, we've got a meeting
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665. in like five minutes.
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666. This meeting is huge!
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667. Okay, wait,
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668. but how do I get up there?
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669. Kraggen?
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670. Whoa!
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671. Hey, nice catch.
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672. We're ordering disks
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673. for the whole office.
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674. What's your size?
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675. What size of disk?
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676. Wait, what?
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677. Julia... here.
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678. Oh, hey!
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679. Did you get turned around?
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680. Yeah.
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681. You need a GPS?
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682. Uh, the meeting's like
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683. in five minutes
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684. in the basket.
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685. Wait, what?
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686. In the basket.
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687. Oh, I don't know
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688. what size I am for that.
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689. In here.
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690. What?
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691. Let's go.
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692. I mean, what are we doing?
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693. Sign this here.
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694. Surprise!
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695. Oh, my gosh.
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696. I guess this is for you.
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697. Happy Birthday.
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698. Thank you.
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699. That means so much to me.
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700. Hey, Happy Birthday.
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701. I gotta go.
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702. Thank you so much.
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703. Who was that?
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704. Ow, geez... what the?
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705. Hey, we're mood showering.
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706. We hit you with the ball
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707. and you tell us the first thing
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708. that comes to mind about
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709. sportswear.
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710. Ow!
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711. Julia... Julia.
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712. Hey, kraggen.
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713. Our meeting's starting soon.
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714. Come on up.
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715. Okay... yeah.
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716. Take the elevator.
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717. Just come meet me.
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718. Hey, I'm doing a video
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719. for my blog.
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720. What's your favorite burger?
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721. Hey, how's it going?
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722. Is it okay if I take
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723. your photograph?
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724. Julia, you better
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725. get up here... come on.
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726. Kraggen, I'm trying.
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727. Uh, wait, uh, kraggen.
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728. Kraggen.
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729. Kraggen?
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730. Julia.
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731. Kraggen.
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732. Hey.
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733. Come play air guitar with us.
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734. It's all good.
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735. It's Tucker's birthday,
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736. the party's about to start.
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737. Happy Birthday.
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738. Kraggen!
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739. Julia.
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740. Where's the basket?
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741. Hey, you wanna break?
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742. Kraggen!
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743. Just...
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744. I'll meet you over here.
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745. You made it.
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746. I did.
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747. It took a while, huh?
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748. Having too much fun?
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749. Come on, this way.
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750. Julia.
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751. What?
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752. I just wanted to tell you
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753. that I did what you said.
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754. Sorry?
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755. I stayed cool.
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756. Like you wrote on the card.
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757. Oh, right... okay, yeah.
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758. You came up with that.
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759. Simple and so meaningful.
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760. It's like remaining cool.
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761. You're really good.
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762. She's creative.
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763. I know, I can tell.
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764. Stay cool.
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765. Yeah, you, too.
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766. You already are.
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767. Okay.
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768. I'll stay cool, too.
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769. Good luck with that.
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770. She ribbing me,
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771. by the way.
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772. That's how we kid
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773. with each other.
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774. Uh, you're gonna need these.
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775. What for?
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776. You'll see.
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777. Kraggen, what's happening?
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778. It's gonna be okay.
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779. Okay, so let's start
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780. the meeting.
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781. Julia, do you have any ideas
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782. right off the bat?
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783. I wanna thank you
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784. for coming today...
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785. On this cloudy,
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786. Portland afternoon.
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787. It's, um, been a difficult time
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788. for my family and for me.
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789. First and foremost, wanna say,
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790. yes, I was playing bass
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791. in a dubbed reggae band
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792. called "king Desmond
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793. "and the accelerators."
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794. A reggae band?
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795. Yes.
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796. Floyd, Gerald,
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797. Brian, Willy.
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798. Reggae, that's a
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799. dirty secret in some ways...
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800. and he just he went ahead
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801. and just came right out.
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802. Yeah.
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803. What part do you play,
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804. Mr. mayor?
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805. Do you play an instrument?
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806. Are you a singer?
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807. What do you do?
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808. I sit in a as
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809. a bass player.
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810. What kind of bass
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811. do you have?
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812. I had a rickenbacker 4003
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813. that was just killer.
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814. Uh, but right now,
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815. no, I'm playing a
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816. classic Fender precision.
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817. Those have a great
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818. low end.
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819. Unbelievable.
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820. Who are your influences?
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821. Jeez, I mean Augustus Pablo
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822. for me is like,
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823. he's king, you know.
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824. Wow, he's into some
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825. root stuff, huh?
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826. I can't believe his wife
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827. is so supportive.
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828. Excuse me, Mr. mayor,
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829. would you say this is
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830. dance hall
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831. or real roots reggae.
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832. This is real roots reggae.
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833. We don't mess around.
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834. Cool.
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835. Once you go dub,
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836. you never go back.
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837. You know what I'm saying?
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838. Sir, with all due respect,
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839. would you consider yourself
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840. a skippa or rude boy?
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841. Well, you know,
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842. if you can open up your heart
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843. and you can feel the sun
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844. and you can feel the music
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845. all is good
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846. and all is forgiven.
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847. I'm sorry wh-what?
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848. It's a new lyric
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849. that I've been working on
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850. with the band and I've... uh,
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851. and it's, um...
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852. It's, uh.
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853. That's me.
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854. Sorry about that.
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855. We'll wait.
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856. Yes?
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857. Great news right now.
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858. No, I-I'm fine
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859. with my wireless plan.
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860. It-it-it's Johnny
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861. from wireless toyz.
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862. Why is he calling right now?
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863. My besties?
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864. Oh, she's right here.
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865. Oh, the besties plan...
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866. yeah.
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867. Hey.
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868. No, I'm fine with
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869. my besties list.
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870. Yeah, I wanna keep it
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871. the same.
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872. He got rid of the glasses.
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873. Everyone was calling him
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874. "bitch."
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875. Don't call again.
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876. Bye.
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877. Sorry.
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878. Okay.
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879. On you go.
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880. Two of the...
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881. my favorite people
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882. over there.
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883. Uh, anyway, where was I?
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884. But if you do leave
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885. the country you will have to
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886. sign up for our geo plan.
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887. Can we do that online
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888. afterwards?
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889. Well, if you do
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890. change your mind later
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891. then you have to sign
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892. a new two year contract.
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893. So six months from now
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894. you decide...
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895. Oh, I wanna also
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896. get the geo plan
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897. 'cause I'm going to...
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898. Let's say luxemburg,
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899. or something, then,
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900. it would be another two years
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901. from that, that you
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902. would have the plan.
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903. We just want any plan
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904. that is above the nothing plan.
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905. There is no nothing plan.
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906. Nothing plan is what you guys
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907. had when you were outside.
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908. Okay, you know
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909. what she means.
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