Portlandia 1x2

1. - Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers. - Hi, I'm Lisa Eversman.

2. And we put birds on things.

3. And we put birds on things.

4. Today, we're gonna

5. go to a store

6. on Mississippi Avenue.

7. Nothing has birds on it,

8. but you what we're gonna do?

9. We're gonna put birds on things.

10. Spruce it up.

11. Make it pretty!

12. Thank you.

13. Put a bird on it.

14. Putting a bird

15. on this teapot.

16. It's a bird!

17. Betcha it's flying

18. all over the beach.

19. What a sad little tote bag.

20. I know-

21. I'll put a bird on it.

22. Did you see this bag before?

23. I didn't.

24. Now there's a bird.

25. It's flying.

26. It's free!

27. I'm gonna put this bird

28. right on this card.

29. It's so pretty.

30. You like that, ma'am?

31. It's fantastic.

32. Making a bird on toast.

33. Put a bird on it!

34. Look at this.

35. I just sewed this bird

36. right onto the pillow.

37. Oh, you missed a spot.

38. Ow- what are you doing?

39. Watch your fingernails.

40. What about the bird?

41. Am I bleeding?

42. Ma'am, am I bleeding?

43. No, you're fine.

44. Stop looking at her.

45. She's fine.

46. I know she's fine.

47. I'm not- put

48. a

49. bird

50. on

51. it.

52. I'm painting a bird

53. on a bird.

54. Ahh!

55. My eyes!

56. Straight up got dust

57. right in my eyes.

58. Just paint the bird

59. or whatever it is

60. you need to do,

61. and don't blow on things.

62. Put a bird on it.

63. There's birds everywhere,

64. and now you can open

65. for business.

66. What the hell is that?

67. Please go away?

68. I'm allergic.

69. Yeah- you're not wanted!

70. Oh, gross!

71. What is it

72. that you call the mayor?

73. Iu it, sir?

74. Or maybe

75. it's just laid back.

76. It's just like, "hey, man."

77. You know,

78. 'cause he seems so cool.

79. Right.

80. Oh- whoa!

81. That's like totally him.

82. Fred and Carrie?

83. The mayor will see you now.

84. So?

85. Psyched to meet you-

86. you're like the coolest mayor

87. we've ever had.

88. Awesome.

89. Thanks so much.

90. Your office is so cool.

91. Hmm...

92. Isn't this awesome?

93. Look at the awards

94. you have.

95. Yeah, and, oh, this is,

96. uh, this is the latest one

97. we just got.

98. "Best official website

99. "for cities with populations

100. "under 700,000 in the

101. "pacific northwest area."

102. Congratulations.

103. Yeah, thanks.

104. Well, I had this one made,

105. and I presented it to myself.

106. Oh, you had it made?

107. Yeah.

108. You know, it's the best site

109. out there, anyway- right?

110. Seattle's is the worst.

111. Oh, yeah.

112. Yeah.

113. Too many links.

114. Oh, yeah,

115. you don't want that.

116. Bianca tells me

117. you have an idea.

118. All right,

119. so we have this idea.

120. Yeah.

121. We're sort of

122. former musicians.

123. We've been in bands and stuff,

124. and so we thought like,

125. if we had a city holiday

126. for Portland,

127. and it's "bring your guitar

128. "to school or work" day.

129. Uh-hmm.

130. Now, wait-wait-

131. you said you're musicians,

132. right?

133. Yeah.

134. Yeah.

135. I've got a little project

136. that I'm working on.

137. It's really dear to my heart.

138. I need to come up with

139. a new theme song

140. for a new ad campaign

141. for Portland.

142. This is where my head is

143. right now.

144. What do you guys think?

145. You're musicians...

146. You said you write music.

147. I think you might be

148. perfect for this.

149. To-to write it-

150. we would write it?

151. Yeah, I want it

152. to be about Portland.

153. You know, all about

154. the inspiration

155. that you get from the city.

156. We have Bridges,

157. mountains, rivers, nature-

158. all of that.

159. All of that.

160. Bicycles-

161. all of that fits in.

162. One word of warning?

163. Please don't make it

164. like Seattle.

165. The space needle.

166. Wooo!

167. Like we've never seen

168. that before.

169. You got it.

170. Okay.

171. Wonderful!

172. This is so good!

173. I'm so glad you came in today.

174. Yeah, all right.

175. This is just perfect.

176. You just made me

177. the happiest mayor

178. in the country.

179. We work for you.

180. Good, I'm gonna work on

181. my core.

182. All right, it's nice

183. to meet you.

184. So great to meet you.

185. You're so cool.

186. Oh, guys, guys, guys,

187. this is like something

188. that's really important to me.

189. It's indigenous art.

190. I don't know if it speaks

191. to you musically?

192. But, you know, use that.

193. I think that is something

194. that is really gonna make

195. a difference in this music.

196. Great- we'll just

197. bring it back to you?

198. And bring it back to me.

199. Yeah- that'd be great.

200. All right- you sold us.

201. I love my artists.

202. Sir, thank you.

203. I support them.

204. Thank you.

205. Just one thing.

206. Don't make it sound like

207. it's coming from Seattle.

208. Okay, you got it.

209. Okay?

210. Portland all the way.

211. Go Portland!

212. All right- thank you!

213. Yay!

214. Bicycle ride-

215. bicycle rides!

216. Bicycles rides- bicycle.

217. On a bike- on a bike.

218. Hi, I'm on a bike.

219. You're gonna turn?

220. You gotta tell me!

221. Watch out!

222. Bike-bike-bike!

223. Oh, cars...

224. Man, why?

225. I don't have

226. a driver's license.

227. I don't need it.

228. In a bike Lane here.

229. I get this whole Lane.

230. Ten feet rule!

231. Oregon state law- ten feet.

232. Hey, birds!

233. Guys have little bikes?

234. What you lookin' at?

235. I dig that tribal look.

236. I hope I get a sunburn.

237. Hold up.

238. I'm stopping.

239. I'm stopped.

240. That means I'm stopped.

241. Pull your mirrors in.

242. Slow down- let me go.

243. Ah, lofts, why?

244. Watch out.

245. Hey- bike Lane.

246. Bike Lane!

247. Bicycle rides.

248. Go vegan!

249. Move, move, move!

250. Move over a little bit.

251. Got a better place to be?

252. Move!

253. Ow!

254. Bicycle rides...

255. Is anyone home?

256. Stuart?

257. St-stu?

258. You home?

259. Please don't be working

260. at the co-op- please!

261. So, this is our new batch of books.

262. I think we should just

263. kind of go through it,

264. and make sure that it's what

265. we want in the store.

266. Okay, great!

267. "The new girl order."

268. It's a top selling author.

269. Do we want that in here?

270. No, we want

271. bottom selling authors.

272. You want to see

273. my impression of Donna?

274. Okay, this is her

275. filing things.

276. "Oh, you wanted it today?

277. "Oh, okay, well, let me just"-

278. it's pretty good, right?

279. No, it's horrible,

280. horrible impersonation

281. of Donna, and considering

282. that that's your daughter-

283. hi, welcome to

284. "women and women first."

285. Hi.

286. Um, what happened

287. to your pants?

288. They're frayed.

289. Um, the psu bookstore

290. sent me here.

291. I'm actually just like

292. getting a bunch of books

293. for class for my

294. women's study's class.

295. Do you have like

296. a computer system

297. where I can just look it up.

298. No-no-

299. we're that computer.

300. We're the computer.

301. Okay, um,

302. "different daughters."

303. "An owner's manual"-

304. slow down.

305. "Different daughters."

306. We carry- if we-

307. we can order that for you.

308. It'll take a year to get here.

309. It has to be written.

310. And who's your teacher?

311. Marilyn Kendall.

312. Hmm...

313. She's a little

314. odd looking, isn't she?

315. I guess.

316. It's almost like

317. they've made her eyes weird.

318. They?

319. Don't-don't you think?

320. Who made her eyes weird?

321. Goddesses.

322. What's the name of

323. the first book?

324. "An owner's manual."

325. Hold on a second.

326. Wait...

327. I'm not looking

328. for your book.

329. This is something else.

330. This is employee's rules.

331. Okay, well, I'm-

332. this class you're taking?

333. You don't need it.

334. We have classes here.

335. Abby Dee's queer question.

336. What don't you take that?

337. I have a pole dancing

338. class that day.

339. Excuse me?

340. Pole dancing?

341. You have- pole dancing?

342. Exercise?

343. We're about to freak out

344. right now.

345. We're about two seconds away

346. from jumping up

347. on this table, and kicking

348. everything in sight,

349. which by the way,

350. is our own property.

351. So, I guess

352. I'll just go somewhere else.

353. No-no-no.

354. Let's find these books

355. for you.

356. I can do it myself.

357. Oh, we don't want you

358. to do anything by yourself.

359. We'll help you.

360. Are you in a rush?

361. Yeah, actually,

362. I kind of have to go.

363. So...

364. Can I do my impression

365. of you?

366. "Yeah, actually,

367. "I've gotta go."

368. Oh, that book's on my list.

369. "Different daughters."

370. Oh, can you- can you

371. put that away, please?

372. It's over there.

373. Every time you point

374. I see a penis.

375. Oh, I can't reach it.

376. We'll have to get it

377. for you another time.

378. It's right there.

379. I can't reach it.

380. Can you just get it.

381. It's like honestly,

382. it's right there.

383. Let me show you.

384. Let me show you.

385. It's right there.

386. At this time,

387. we cannot get it for you.

388. I can't reach it.

389. You're touching it.

390. Why are you doing that?

391. I'm touching it,

392. but it's not enough

393. to pull it.

394. I can rest my hand-

395. what's wrong with your hand?

396. This is my full extension.

397. Okay, can I get it?

398. It's not within reach

399. so let's just- we'll move on.

400. It's not within reach?

401. No.

402. Can't reach it- nope.

403. Nope- I can't reach it.

404. We can give you this book,

405. we can give you this book,

406. we can give you this book.

407. I just need this book!

408. We lost another one.

409. Hey, it's Carrie,

410. please leave a message.

411. Hey, Carrie,

412. uh, it's me.

413. I'm I have some ideas

414. for the, uh, Portland song.

415. Tell what you think of this...

416. Portland community college

417. they sent me a reminder

418. everyone was staring

419. at the Halloween mask that-

420. oh, okay,

421. you get the basic idea

422. though, right?

423. Okay- call me back.

424. Hey, Fred, it's Carrie.

425. Uh, I liked your idea

426. for a song- I had one.

427. I thought we should

428. sing about like

429. people gathering around

430. vegetables and fruits,

431. and it's like...

432. Community garden workshop

433. teach me to rake and hoe-oh

434. hey, ah, I was thinking

435. something where

436. a syncopated beat's kinda...

437. Okay, bye.

438. Hey, Fred, it's Carrie.

439. I have another idea

440. for the song.

441. Native plants.

442. Natives plants- oh.

443. Hi.

444. Hi.

445. Short term parking

446. long term parking

447. and short term parking

448. do you ever think about

449. how Portland hasn't had like

450. a national tragedy yet?

451. The day the beer

452. stopped flowin'

453. attention-attention

454. let me get your attention

455. the people of Portland-

456. ah-ha

457. fruit carts

458. so cheap

459. fruit carts

460. ha!

461. Thank you.

462. Professor says

463. get an education

464. he's right

465. Professor says

466. I'm gonna tell you

467. what's right

468. Portland

469. we got it goin' on

470. Anyway, um,

471. I need to call you back.

472. I am not

473. I am not a business man

474. and that's why

475. I will stay

476. in Portland Oregon

477. okay, can you

478. pick me up, please?

479. Thank you- bye.

480. Hi.

481. Sorry, I'm late.

482. That's okay.

483. Everything sounds great.

484. The Mayor's gonna love it.

485. Absolutely.

486. Dave, do you see that dog over there?

487. - Oh, yeah, what's the deal? - Who does that?

488. Who puts a dog outside?

489. Does that belong

490. to somebody?

491. We gotta ask around.

492. Yeah.

493. Excuse me.

494. Sir, is that your dog

495. right there?

496. Okay.

497. Hey, guys-

498. we're looking for

499. a dog... owner.

500. It like

501. a white and brown dog.

502. For real...

503. We got an owner on the dog?

504. Huh?

505. There's an animal tied up

506. to a piece of metal.

507. I'm sure it wasn't

508. born there.

509. How can you guys

510. just sit there eating.

511. If the Titanic

512. was sinking right there,

513. would you just ignore it?

514. While you guys are eating,

515. I'll not be able to eat

516. until this is resolved.

517. Hi, have you seen this dog?

518. Are you the owner?

519. Have you seen this?

520. Guys, come on!

521. Hello!

522. Is anybody listening?

523. This dog will not be

524. a bait dog in a fight ring.

525. Baby, come on.

526. Fine.

527. It's okay.

528. She's upset.

529. Cath is upset.

530. I'll tell you something.

531. We want our ice tea

532. and our orange juice

533. just like you do.

534. He fainted?

535. Oh, poor thing.

536. Where's the waitress.

537. Hey-

538. ma'am.

539. I mean, we don't really

540. carry dog food.

541. Ah, what do you think of

542. fried stuffed olives?

543. A dog portion of it?

544. I can tell right now,

545. we're gonna want the meatballs

546. braised with tomato.

547. I want you to leave off

548. the Rosemary.

549. Ah, let's get these

550. skillet mussels

551. with drawn butter.

552. Seared butter-

553. are you getting all this?

554. You aren't writing

555. anything down.

556. It's- I can remember it.

557. Really?

558. Yeah.

559. What's the second thing

560. we ordered?

561. You ordered

562. the braised meatballs.

563. Gosh, she's good.

564. Yeah, you're good.

565. You're very good.

566. You know what that dog

567. would say right now

568. to you guys

569. if he could speak?

570. He would say, "ruff"

571. and "blah" and "rah-rah-rah."

572. And ask some of the people

573. who work in the kitchen,

574. if-if this dog belongs to them.

575. We don't really

576. bring dogs to work.

577. Well, maybe one of

578. the dishwashers?

579. You could say something like,

580. Oh, I mean,

581. they speak English.

582. The dishwashers?

583. Yeah.

584. We speak Spanish.

585. We like we travel a lot.

586. Went to Ecuador.

587. I am really, really sorry

588. for what you're going through.

589. Okay, please, set it down.

590. Set it down immediately.

591. Immediately!

592. You know what?

593. He doesn't like it.

594. Take it away.

595. This smells metallic to me.

596. No, no, please.

597. We don't want the water

598. or anything.

599. Dave, I'm freaking out.

600. I'm freaking out!

601. Calm down- calm down.

602. Calm down.

603. You know what we're gonna do?

604. We're-we're gonna let him go.

605. Let him go.

606. Please?

607. You're gonna have

608. all kinds of experiences,

609. and meet all kinds of dogs.

610. There's some good paths

611. out there.

612. There's one path that goes

613. right up the hillside.

614. It's so pretty,

615. you won't even believe it.

616. And when you're thirsty,

617. you can drink from

618. any lake you want.

619. Imagine the biggest lake

620. in the whole world.

621. The ocean.

622. You can just drink

623. the whole thing.

624. Bye.

625. You're free.

626. Run it out, buddy.

627. You're free, soldier.

628. Where's Tucker?

629. I don't know, sweetie?

630. Hi, um, did you happen

631. to see a dog?

632. We did see a dog actually.

633. You did?

634. Okay, what-what,

635. did you see where he went?

636. He went that way?

637. We-we had to let him go.

638. Is this some kind of joke?

639. No- who puts their dog

640. on a pole like a stripper?

641. Who does that?

642. Everybody puts they're-

643. wait a minute.

644. Who are you people?

645. We-we were just gone

646. for a few minutes.

647. Okay, how-

648. a few minutes is like

649. a month in dog years.

650. Well, it's-it's,

651. we went to get cookie-

652. we took your dog

653. off the pole

654. 'cause it was choking.

655. Now get out of my face.

656. I wasn't in your face.

657. Get out of her face, man.

658. She was- listen, uh, hey,

659. where-where you going?

660. Did the right thing.

661. I'm calling the cops.

662. So tired of people.

663. Hi, Jordan.

664. No, Jordan, hey-

665. no... crying's for girls.

666. Quiet down-

667. this is ridiculous.

668. Let's go.

669. No crying.

670. We don't need to cry, jord.

671. I'm not crying.

672. Lance, um,

673. that was kind of rough,

674. and I feel like

675. when we do this like,

676. if I want you to stop,

677. like maybe we should have

678. like a safe word or something.

679. You know what I mean?

680. What you

681. talkin' about?

682. I, ah, just saying

683. instead of saying "stop",

684. I just say the word.

685. Like what?

686. Well, Lisa and Bryce

687. have one.

688. I know...

689. Like...

690. How about "cacao?"

691. That's kind of

692. a cool word, "cacao."

693. Yeah.

694. That's fine.

695. Okay, so if I ever say

696. "cacao," that means

697. hold off and stop.

698. Okay?

699. I get it.

700. It doesn't mean

701. I don't love you,

702. and it doesn't mean that

703. I don't want to try things.

704. Okay?

705. I hope not.

706. Be a brave girl for me?

707. All right.

708. Cacao.

709. Sorry.

710. Cacao.

711. Cacao.

712. Oh, row your boat.

713. Oh!

714. Cacao.

715. Like Sophia

716. wanted my birthday party

717. at that hotel.

718. Cacao.

719. And I told everyone,

720. "okay, you can show up

721. "as long as you make a-"

722. cacao-

723. and my teacher- cacao-

724. showed up, and he was like,

725. "oh, you're different now."

726. And I was like, "yeah,

727. "I'm different-" cacao.

728. That's what happens to people

729. like they get more mature.

730. Cacao.

731. There's no parking there.

732. Cacao- but all they have

733. is valet parking- cacao-

734. and when he asked me

735. to park cars- cacao-

736. I'm like I'm not- cacao-

737. I'm not, I'm not gonna-

738. cacao.

739. I'm not gonna park- cacao

740. I'm not gonna-

741. cacao.

742. I'm sleeping.

743. I was riding my harley

744. the other day,

745. and I went around this corner.

746. There was this lady there.

747. Watch splashed up on her.

748. She got so wet.

749. God, she was just

750. dripping wet.

751. Oh!

752. Lance, Lance... wait.

753. Cacao.

754. I didn't even try anything.

755. No, cacao to leaving.

756. Cacao to not being

757. in my life.

758. Cacao to cacao.

759. Come upstairs to bed.

760. And this time no cacao.

761. Cacao no more.

762. Oh, thank you!

763. Eh, that's song

764. was called "cacao."

765. This next song is called

766. "vanilla."

767. That's great news.

768. So Tucker is safe and sound?

769. Oh, thanks for the call.

770. Okay.

771. Ah, Mr. mayor.

772. Hi.

773. Hey!

774. We have a song.

775. Oh, my God!

776. I'm so excited.

777. This is good.

778. Oh, uh, did you bring back

779. the, uh, inspirational

780. sand print?

781. Uh, yeah.

782. Yes, I did!

783. Here you go.

784. Good-good-good!

785. Yes-yes!

786. That's very important.

787. This is so exciting.

788. Well, we're pretty

789. psyched about it.

790. We included everything.

791. And the mix

792. is really good, too.

793. We have this engineer

794. like he really knows

795. what he's doing, so...

796. It's track one.

797. Do I need to do anything

798. with that or-

799. it should just come up, right?

800. Yeah.

801. Is this a, um,

802. cd-minus-r or cd-plus?

803. I bought a cd-cd minus-r.

804. Cd- oh, really?

805. Yeah.

806. Because one of them

807. doesn't play on this computer.

808. I can't remember

809. which one it is.

810. You know what we should do?

811. We should just get a cd-

812. Sam, do we have a cd player?

813. Let's just get a cd player.

814. No cd player.

815. Oh...

816. You know what?

817. I have it as an email.

818. I have it.

819. Oh, that would work.

820. Do you have wifi here?

821. Sam, do we have wifi?

822. Yes.

823. What's the password?

824. Ah, it's, ah,

825. capital, c-I-t-y... "O"

826. with a slash through it,

827. "f," a dollar sign

828. instead of an "s,"

829. e- s-9-7-5-4-2-

830. password's too long,

831. we've got to change that.

832. Fire wire over to me,

833. and I fire wire over to this-

834. what kind of cables

835. do we have?

836. Do we have fire wire?

837. Who's got the other side

838. of this?

839. Who's got the other side-

840. you have it

841. on your computer.

842. Is there a way you can

843. get it from your computer

844. to the speakers?

845. That-that's what

846. we're trying to do.

847. Sam, do we have

848. any headphones- anyone go on

849. jet blue recently?

850. Maybe they give you those

851. headphones for two bucks.

852. We should save those.

853. If I could get these

854. speakers out-

855. you know what,

856. this adapter's not on.

857. Can you email me the file?

858. Why not email it to him?

859. I can only send it

860. as a picture.

861. Oh, good.

862. Hey, your email

863. just came in.

864. Oh, perfect.

865. It looks like

866. it's got a virus.

867. What?

868. Shut down.

869. Close every window.

870. You know what?

871. Donna has instruments here.

872. We have a guitar.

873. You just wanna play it live?

874. I mean, I love live music.

875. Sam, check with Donna.

876. See if she's got that guitar

877. in her office?

878. That's perfect.

879. Thank you.

880. Drums...

881. Ah, there was that marching

882. band in here last week.

883. That's the one I was thinking

884. with the beavers.

885. Oh, this is perfect.

886. We're in business.

887. What do we need?

888. Plug in.

889. Okay, so this is what

890. the song sounds like.

891. Ready?

892. Okay, count me up.

893. One-two-three-four.