Pluribus 1x2

1. Hello!

2. You okay?

3. Sorry, we didn't mean to startle you.

4. We wouldn't have intruded but, if you don't mind us saying,

5. maybe you could slow down and take a break.

6. You've been at it for two hours straight.

7. You people are spying on me.

8. Oh, no. You just happened to be outdoors this morning.

9. How? Where? Where are you watching me from?

10. - An MQ-9 Reaper. - A what?

11. It's an Air Force drone. It's...

12. I don't see anything.

13. Yeah, no, you wouldn't really. It's way up at 40,000 feet.

14. It's not dangerous. It's not even armed.

15. Sorry. Bad idea. It's leaving.

16. Please? We'd feel so much better if you'd hydrate.

17. What's in it?

18. Water.

19. And what else? Something that's gonna make me turn into one of you?

20. No, we're months away from knowing how to do that.

21. Jarmell Gurky says it's okay.

22. Who is Jarmell Gurky?

23. He's a bottling line supervisor in Winston-Salem.

24. He was running the second shift at the Aquafina plant

25. when this got filled on May 8th.

26. To the best of his knowledge, it's just good clean water.

27. Why are you standing in my yard talking

28. about whatever the fuck it is you're talking about?

29. Who are you?

30. Someone we thought you might like.

31. Not so much. No.

32. Sorry about that, Carol.

33. Regardless, you are on the verge of heat exhaustion,

34. and that's the opinion of every medical doctor on Earth.

35. How about it?

36. You have water in the house. Please drink some.

37. And maybe pace yourself.

38. We can see we're upsetting you.

39. Wait.

40. Stop.

41. You're gonna need a pickax by the way.

42. There's a lot of volcanic rock in that soil.

43. Your neighbor Martin at 1204 has one in his garage, along with a sun hat and

44. work gloves.

45. Wait right here. Don't move.

46. What the hell is this?

47. Are you supposed to be my character Raban? Why?

48. If we chose poorly, we apologize.

49. We just want you to be happy.

50. Why Raban as a woman?

51. My original version of him was a her.

52. But I talked myself out of it.

53. And we never told anyone.

54. Helen and I were the only ones who knew.

55. So if you can't read minds—

56. Carol, you may find this hard to believe but yesterday

57. was the greatest day in the history of humanity.

58. Helen thought so too.

59. No. Helen is not one of you.

60. She joined us before she passed.

61. She's gone but all of her thoughts,

62. her memories, they're right here.

63. Should we tell you how much she loved you?

64. You bunch of ghouls!

65. You are a goddamn bunch of grave-robbing psychopaths!

66. You are the reason she is dead!

67. And now you're gonna speak for her?

68. Fuck you! Fuck every single one of you!

69. Oh, jeez.

70. Hello?

71. Anybody?

72. Is anybody there?

73. Hello? Are you still there?

74. Fuck.

75. Shit.

76. Shit.

77. Jesus Christ! What's...

78. Okay.

79. What... Oh, my God, I...

80. Hang on.

81. Here we go. Here we go.

82. Okay. I'm gonna bring you down.

83. All right. Down, down, down!

84. Shit! Sorry. Sorry.

85. Hang on.

86. No, no. No, no. No. What...

87. Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn.

88. No, no. Come on, come on.

89. Fucking piece of shit!

90. Down, down, down, down. Down.

91. Goddamn it!

92. Fuck. Come on. Fucking shit...

93. - Carol? - Fu—

94. We can take it from here, if you like.

95. I was just trying to...

96. We know, Carol.

97. We're all right.

98. Thank you.

99. Hi, Carol. How may we help you?

100. The pirate lady can come back if she wants.

101. Absolutely. She'll be right over.

102. Is there anything else we can...

103. Carol?

104. Was that me? Did I make everybody freeze like that?

105. We're affected by your emotions.

106. The negative ones,

107. if they're directed right at us, they can be a little tough to take.

108. So, how many people did I hurt just now?

109. Oh, please. That is not how you should look at this. Not at all.

110. Did anybody die?

111. How many?

112. Worldwide? It's a few.

113. Dozens?

114. Hundreds?

115. There is a quicker way if you're open to it?

116. The astronauts up in the space station, are they like you?

117. They are.

118. They're on their way back.

119. And everybody at the South Pole and on nuclear submarines?

120. Missile silos? Area 51?

121. Yes.

122. We made a point of reaching them early on.

123. That's kind of the best way to do it.

124. How many people like me in the world did you say?

125. Eleven others?

126. Actually, now there are 12.

127. There's a gentleman in Paraguay whom we became aware of this morning.

128. Were any of them hurt today when I...

129. Did any of them get hurt?

130. There was just one minor injury.

131. Mostly there was consternation.

132. They're okay.

133. These 12, how many speak English?

134. Five either as a second or third language.

135. I want to meet those five.

136. Communication wouldn't be an issue for the 13 of you.

137. - We can translate. - Nope.

138. Just the English speakers.

139. We'll have to ask their permission.

140. Fine. Ask.

141. The sooner the better.

142. Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey!

143. Are you there? Can you hear me?

144. We can hear you.

145. All five say yes.

146. How you doin' back here, Carol?

147. - Is there anything that we can get you? - I'm good.

148. Just...

149. You're more than welcome to sit up front with us, if you'd like.

150. You could take the controls.

151. It's fun.

152. Who's flying this thing? That gal from TGI Fridays?

153. Maybe just concentrate on her.

154. Well, let us know if there's anything you need.

155. Carol, this gathering today, we have high hopes for it.

156. Great.

157. - But? - But, as we say, your lives are your own.

158. Which means what?

159. We can't really protect you from one another.

160. We'll be landing in Bilbao in 40 minutes.

161. - Where did you come from? - Did you have to travel far?

162. - Oh, yeah. I had a good time. Yes. - Peru.

163. - And you? - China.

164. I have some pictures. It's very beautiful.

165. Yes. It's my first time outside of my country.

166. It was a bit long.

167. Would it be acceptable to everyone if we continue in English?

168. - Yeah. - Of course.

169. - Sure. - Wonderful.

170. Sorry. I was just in the...

171. Doesn't matter.

172. Hi.

173. Hi. I'm Carol.

174. Hello. Otgonbayar.

175. Pleased to meet you.

176. Otgonbayar.

177. - Otgonbayar. - Otgonbayar. Okay. Pleased to meet you.

178. My name is Xiu Mei. Hello.

179. Hello, Xiu Mei.

180. I'm Carol.

181. Kusimayu.

182. Kusimayu, that's a lovely name.

183. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

184. And...

185. I'm Laxmi.

186. Laxmi.

187. Great to meet you. Great to meet all of you.

188. Wow. Just... Wow, right?

189. This is such a relief.

190. Do you know who these guys are?

191. Hello, Carol.

192. We're family members.

193. This individual is Byamba, Otgonbayar's daughter.

194. Hi, Carol. This individual is Neu Xiansheng, Xiu Mei's husband.

195. T'ika, Kusimayu's aunt.

196. Sisa, Kusimayu's cousin.

197. Aarush, Laxmi's husband.

198. Padma, mother of Laxmi. And this is...

199. Ravi, Laxmi's nine-year-old son.

200. We're very pleased to meet you, Carol.

201. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

202. Yep.

203. Wait a second.

204. Including me, I thought there was supposed to be six of us.

205. I only count five.

206. Number six is a gentleman from Mauritania.

207. He requested a specific aircraft which took a bit longer.

208. Mister Koumba Diabaté invites you aboard his plane once it arrives.

209. He thinks it'll prove suitable for your gathering.

210. Hello, hello!

211. Bienvenue à bord!

212. It was available to whoever asked.

213. Bonjour, enchanté.

214. I am Koumba Diabaté.

215. Bonjour. Carol Sturka. Nice plane.

216. Je suis ravi de vous avoir à bord.

217. Welcome to Spain, Mr. Diabaté.

218. We hope your flight was most pleasant.

219. How could it be otherwise?

220. But please tell me, what brings you aboard Air Force Koumba?

221. She was available to whoever asked.

222. Welcome aboard, Carol.

223. This plane has upstairs.

224. Yeah.

225. This they call the "nuclear football." With it, one could blow up the world.

226. I am joking. I do not think it works anymore.

227. But don't drop it!

228. Again, a joke.

229. - Heavy. - Which is fitting.

230. Anything capable of blowing up the world needs to have some heft to it,

231. don't you think?

232. Excuse me, excuse me.

233. That was my first question to them.

234. Hey, guys! Excuse me.

235. Everyone?

236. May we have your attention? Please?

237. Thank you very much.

238. So... I think we're all good here.

239. Family members, beautiful women, pirate lady.

240. You can all just go wait out on the tarmac.

241. Why should my family have to leave?

242. Yes, why?

243. We need to talk amongst ourselves, just the six of us.

244. That's why we're here, right?

245. Wait. Pirate lady.

246. Are there any microphones in here or recording devices?

247. There's a built-in system that came with the aircraft.

248. We can make sure it's turned off.

249. I did not know that was there.

250. You have complete privacy.

251. Call us if you need us.

252. Actually, if you recall,

253. Harrison Ford never rode in the escape pod

254. which I thought was a clever gambit.

255. - He stayed behind in the cargo hold. - So,

256. what are we gonna do about this?

257. Anyone have any training in biology? Or genetics?

258. Anybody a doctor? A medical doctor?

259. Any backgrounds in science? Of any kind?

260. Anybody build a volcano?

261. All right.

262. I don't know how we do this.

263. I don't know where we begin.

264. But

265. it's up to us now.

266. The future of humanity is in our hands.

267. As scary as that sounds, it is.

268. It is up to us to put the world right.

269. Why?

270. Why save the world? Is that...

271. Wait, is... That's your question?

272. Why does the world need saving?

273. At present, the situation seems very nice.

274. Cool plane. Really.

275. Meanwhile, everybody everywhere else

276. has turned into some kind of fucking pod person. Right?

277. And it does not matter how nice they are to us

278. or how many supermodels they send to peel our grapes and jerk us off,

279. that does not change the fact that this is not right.

280. I've seen this movie.

281. We've all seen this movie.

282. And we know it does not end well.

283. Are you the one who lost her temper and made them all stop moving?

284. When you did this, I was in an automobile.

285. My grandfather was driving.

286. The automobile crashed, and my grandfather died.

287. I'm...

288. I'm sorry. I didn't...

289. She not know they do that.

290. Nobody know.

291. And it won't happen again.

292. I don't know. You seem very angry.

293. I'm very sorry you lost your grandfather.

294. But the rest of your family waiting outside,

295. you've lost them too.

296. Everybody understands that, right?

297. Your husbands, wives, parents, children...

298. They're not them anymore.

299. My child is still my child.

300. Very much so.

301. That cute little boy we just met?

302. The one who can perform open-heart surgery and fly the space shuttle?

303. Yep, he's right as rain.

304. You listen.

305. That is my child out there.

306. He is also your prime minister,

307. some guy you dated in high school, your gynecologist. Think about that.

308. You... You are a horrible person.

309. Okay, who is the angry one now? Hmm?

310. Guys, I'm not looking for a fight here.

311. I'm just trying to make a point that this whole thing...

312. We have to do something.

313. Do what?

314. I am not convinced things are as bad as you say.

315. As we speak, no one is being robbed or murdered.

316. No one is in prison.

317. The color of one's skin, by all accounts, now meaningless.

318. All zoos are empty. All dogs are off their chains.

319. Peace on earth.

320. Assuming that's even true...

321. Ask yourselves what's been lost.

322. Why zoos are empty?

323. They emptied them. Everywhere.

324. They let loose all the animal.

325. Beijing Zoo is near my house.

326. I look outside, I see giraffe eat all the leaf off my tree.

327. I say, "Shoo. Shoo. Go. Go." It do not listen to me.

328. I tell you this. I do not give away my dog.

329. Apparently, when it came to the lions and the tigers,

330. they suffered quite a few maulings.

331. Can we just stick with talking about the people?

332. What's going to happen when they figure out how to turn us into them?

333. That is what I want.

334. I want to be with my aunt.

335. I want to be with my cousin.

336. Oh, honey. No, you don't. You may think you do, but you don't.

337. Don't tell her how to think.

338. Could you just... Please.

339. Look,

340. I know you are...

341. lonely and scared and this whole thing...

342. is terribly confusing.

343. Believe me, I know.

344. But everything about you that's you,

345. everything that is personal and individual and special...

346. If we let this happen, you won't have that anymore.

347. I'll have it. I'll share it.

348. What did they tell you?

349. What kind of promises did they make?

350. No promise.

351. They only tell me what it's like.

352. You don't think it sounds wonderful?

353. You don't ask them what it's like?

354. No.

355. How could you not ask them what it's like?

356. Raise your hand if you asked them.

357. You sit there and you tell us we must do this, we must do that.

358. But you don't even bother to educate yourself.

359. Why should we listen to anything you say?

360. Because I'm smart enough to know you don't ask a drug dealer

361. to describe their heroin.

362. Now, what are we gonna do here?

363. I'm open to suggestions.

364. Who's hungry?

365. I, myself, am famished.

366. Hello, good people.

367. We are interested in lunch!

368. Voilà.

369. Is this...

370. Poulet Yassa!

371. Incroyable.

372. Exactly like my tantine Awa made it when I was a child!

373. However, and I'm not complaining mind you...

374. I did order lobster.

375. We apologize.

376. We searched a wide radius, but the only lobster currently available is live.

377. We don't kill.

378. Not even a lobster?

379. Your chicken, fish, beef, veggies are the freshest

380. we could find in the local markets.

381. We do hope you enjoy.

382. So, you are vegetarian?

383. That would be our preference, yes.

384. What if I wanted escargot?

385. Surely you can kill snails.

386. No.

387. A wasp even?

388. If it's about to sting, you don't...

389. kill it?

390. No.

391. What if you step on tiny...

392. Insect.

393. If you step on tiny insect by accident?

394. We try not to.

395. We can't purposely end life.

396. It's not in our nature.

397. Well, hip-fuckin'-hooray for you.

398. They won't step on a bug, but they'll enslave an entire planet.

399. Yeah, that makes sense.

400. Our joining is very much the antithesis of slavery.

401. If you're gonna hit me, hit me.

402. Your "joining"?

403. All the marketing brains on earth, and that's what you came up with? Wow.

404. There is a better word for it in Celtiberian.

405. Well, I don't remember you asking anyone.

406. I don't recall anybody getting a vote on whether or not they wanted a joining.

407. We ourselves have no choice.

408. For us, it's a biological imperative.

409. Like breathing.

410. But every time, one comes to understand how wonderful it feels...

411. How many fucking people died during your wonderful fucking joining?

412. Must you curse so much?

413. There is a child present.

414. I'm sorry, Ravi.

415. I apologize.

416. It's quite all right.

417. Tell me, Ravi.

418. For a pelvic exam, what kind of speculum do you prefer, metal or plastic?

419. What?

420. It would depend.

421. - Both have their uses. - No, stop it.

422. But, I mean, you probably wouldn't do a palpation, right?

423. You know, not with those tiny little fingers.

424. How dare you?

425. How many people died?

426. We didn't intend for anyone to die.

427. And for the first month, no one did.

428. We would bring in newcomers individually, thousands every day.

429. It was all very peaceful.

430. But, then the military discovered us.

431. And to avoid even more bloodshed, we had to accelerate the process.

432. So, how many?

433. How many people died?

434. 886,477,591.

435. As of this moment.

436. Jesus Christ.

437. Wow...

438. I guess you gotta break a few eggs, huh?

439. You killed 11 million.

440. So...

441. what if I caught a fish? Hmm?

442. Or say I procured a chicken or a pig, and I myself did the...

443. What then?

444. We would mourn the passing of all these creatures.

445. But you would cook them for me?

446. Yes.

447. Okay.

448. Are you gonna let her continue like this?

449. Carol.

450. After lunch we were thinking you all might like a tour of the Guggenheim.

451. It's a beautiful museum.

452. Frank Gehry designed it.

453. Yeah, Helen talked about it.

454. It was on our bucket list.

455. But you already know that, don't you?

456. All right.

457. Warm up my plane.

458. I'm going home.

459. Good riddance.

460. You, you, you, you...

461. and especially you, have the time of your lives.

462. Enjoy it. Eat, drink and be merry.

463. Go to the Guggenheim, Disneyland Paris,

464. wherever else these whacked-out Moonies take you next.

465. But know this, you are traitors.

466. You are traitors to the human race!

467. Carol?

468. Carol.

469. Get off... Get off me.

470. Get off me.

471. Get the fuck off me! You fucking freaks!

472. Get the fuck...

473. Get off!

474. God, no. No, no, no, no. No.

475. Ravi?

476. Ravi. Ravi.

477. Good morning, Carol.

478. We hope you slept well.

479. How are you feeling?

480. How are you feeling?

481. We couldn't be better.

482. Thank you for asking.

483. May we get you anything?

484. You got anything to make me stop doing this?

485. We don't. Sorry.

486. But how about something to eat?

487. We can make you some great bacon and eggs.

488. Remember your trip to The Inn at Little Washington, fall of 1998?

489. They served that pepper bacon you still talk about.

490. We flew it in for you.

491. And your favorite crispy brioche from Les Crayères.

492. How bad did I screw things up with the other five?

493. Did they leave?

494. All but one.

495. This is the finest martini I have ever tasted.

496. Good morning, Carol.

497. Carol.

498. How are you feeling?

499. Better than I should for being the biggest mass murderer since Stalin.

500. I don't think these fine people see it that way.

501. No.

502. Please, have a seat.

503. Some coffee, perhaps?

504. That Guggenheim is really worth a visit.

505. Stunning architecture.

506. You wanted to talk to me?

507. Yes.

508. I am headed to Las Vegas, Nevada.

509. Have you been there?

510. Looking for hotel recommendations?

511. No, no, no, no.

512. I am staying at The Westgate.

513. I will occupy the penthouse of Mr. Elvis Presley.

514. Yeah, that sounds about right.

515. Some say it is haunted by his ghost.

516. This intrigues me.

517. Okay.

518. Well, give Elvis my regards.

519. And, if it is acceptable to you I wish for Zosia to accompany me.

520. She suggested I ask. I believe she needs your blessing.

521. Who's Zosia?

522. Your chaperone.

523. Accompany you for what?

524. Oh, Jesus Christ.

525. I'm s... What can I say?

526. In the past day, I've spent time with her, gotten to know her.

527. Learned her name.

528. I feel we made a connection.

529. Can I ask a question?

530. What is wrong with you?

531. Is it a medical condition?

532. That it can't just...

533. - stay in. - I apologize.

534. Clearly I have struck a nerve.

535. If she is your companion...

536. She's not my anything. None of them are.

537. They are a bunch of brain-damaged incompetents

538. but you keep sticking your dick in them.

539. Zosia, would you join us, please?

540. Have I behaved in an untoward fashion?

541. Have I shown you... any of you...

542. affection that was in any way unwelcome?

543. For us, affection is always welcome.

544. Zosia, what is the square root of 46,279?

545. Okay to round it off?

546. Just a bit over 215.

547. I have a strong sense that is correct.

548. Okay. Let me see if I've got this straight.

549. Casanova McBoner here wants you to join his harem,

550. which is hunky-dory with you, provided I give you my permission?

551. That's your idea of paradise?

552. - Being used like some sex doll? - Hey.

553. - And I'm what, your pimp? - That is completely uncalled for.

554. You're completely uncalled for.

555. - The entire fucking world is ending... - Carol.

556. and instead of doing the right thing and trying to help me,

557. - you'd rather run around, sticking your— - Please! The last thing these people need

558. is you losing your temper.

559. You wanna go with him... go with him.

560. Please, work this out yourselves.

561. - We can't choose. - Yes, you can.

562. If you can do square roots in your head, you can make choices.

563. And there's a whole third option, where you just tell us both to piss off.

564. If we were to choose, it would hurt one of you.

565. We can't do that.

566. Perhaps I have not seen the movies you spoke of.

567. But to me, this does not feel like the end of the world.

568. Ca—

569. Stop! Open the door!