Phoenix Nights 2x1

Directed by Peter Kay

The club has burnt down (rival Den Perry did it) and Brian has been barred from holding a licence due to safety shortcuts and insurance fiddles. But, inspired by old mate Hoss Cartwright who runs Blackpool's La Ponderosa, Brian has plans for a revival. He needs the help of his former employees, especially Jerry St Clair, who has been reduced to the role of singing salesman at Asda.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's a crackin' little club, ain't it?

2. Oh, yeah. A crackin' little club.

3. Long live the Phoenix.

4. Eh? There she is, Jerry.

5. Aye. It's not much but it's our Caesar's Palace.

6. Correct.

7. - Are you hungry, Jerry? - Aye, I could eat something.

8. - Jerry? - Yeah.

9. The club's on fire!

10. I don't believe it.

11. Will you move right back now, please?

12. That's my club, that's my fire, that!

13. That's my club burning down!

14. I don't need a suit, I've got special skin.

15. Asbestos. The doctors are baffled.

16. I'm a genetic freak, me.

17. - Wanker. - Pardon me?

18. I've got your disabled boy.

19. Oh! Me little disabled boy!

20. - His face is all melted. - Me hands have all melted.

21. We managed to save your main cabaret room

22. but you've lost your other function room, your office and your games room.

23. - Oh, God. - I think you've been really lucky.

24. Lucky! Lucky how?

25. If you'd had batteries in them smoke alarms...

26. It started in the gents' toilet. There's your culprit.

27. - Him? - Discarded fag.

28. - Discarded fag? - What's happened?

29. Some queer's burnt me club down.

30. It's a job for the fire investigation lads now

31. but if you ask me, it was started by a cigar.

32. - A cigar? - Yeah, why?

33. Two words - Den Perry.

34. - Hey! You're there. - Where've you been?

35. Where've I been? Have you seen those steps?

36. Did you notice I'm disabled?

37. - Shh! - Get bent.

38. It's a disgrace. We should sue.

39. You're lucky, they're running late.

40. What do they want?

41. They're your character witnesses.

42. Them? Where's Jerry and the others?

43. I don't know, I phoned them all.

44. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, Mother Teresa, Billy Liar and Miami Vice,

45. they'll throw the key at me.

46. Hey, are you all right?

47. Court is in session. All rise.

48. I can't rise. It's not happening.

49. The court calls Mr Potter's first character witness, Mr Kenny Dalglish Senior.

50. Dalglish?

51. Dalglish? Where's he got that from?

52. Mr Dalglish, do you swear by Almighty God

53. that the evidence you shall give shall be the truth,

54. the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

55. Oh, yes.

56. Jesus. I'm going down.

57. I'm going down.

58. - Mr Potter. - Yes.

59. I've considered all the evidence that has been put before me

60. and taken into account...

61. your character testimony, your undercover military work in Vietnam

62. and your glittering boxing career.

63. However, for the forging of insurance documents

64. and your negligence towards fire and safety equipment,

65. it is the judgement of this court

66. that you are no longer fit to hold a licence to trade alcohol.

67. What?

68. Furthermore, I have no choice

69. but to permanently revoke your licence.

70. No! You can't do that!

71. No! No, you can't do that, Your Majesty. You can't take me club off me!

72. - That's all. - I'm nothing without me club!

73. Tell him.

74. Get him.

75. Oi! Excuse me, son, I'm looking for the Phoenix Club, it used to be round here.

76. Brian! Didn't see you down there.

77. You need some air in your tyres.

78. What do you want? You've got a nerve showing your face here.

79. - What do you mean? - You! This!

80. This is what I mean! You caused all this, arsonist.

81. Watch your mouth, Potter, that's slander.

82. You don't want to end up back in court.

83. I heard they took your licence off you.

84. At least your customers are happy, they're all at my place.

85. Yeah, just keeping them warm, that's all you're doing.

86. They'd rather be warm than well done.

87. Oh, yes, business is booming. Booming.

88. Oh, Brian, just pop inside and see if me jacket potato's done.

89. Drive on, Terry. Have a nice day.

90. Hey! Have a bit of that. Eh? Go on. Eh?

91. 'We hope it works out for you.

92. 'Teenage pregnancy can have tragic circumstances.

93. 'How did you find out you were pregnant?'

94. 'I went to the doctor...'

95. 'Don't be disgusting, you bad, bad boy.

96. 'Sorry, Louise, what were you saying?'

97. 'I went to the doctor...'

98. '.. that disperses the water around you but not on you.'

99. - 'Wow! That's special.' - 'No, hat's magic!'

100. - 'The difference...' - Jesus wept.

101. '..you simply don't get wet...'

102. - 'Where's this product from?' - 'South America.'

103. 'You have no messages.'

104. '..you need something like this in South America

105. 'cos it rains a lot...'

106. What you doing?

107. Herbal medication, them. For me libido.

108. - I get early morning stiffness. - Who doesn't?

109. What's that on your arm?

110. It's a copper bracelet. It aids fitness and mobility.

111. Does it? Better get two for me legs.

112. - Are you here to shop or take the piss? - A bit of both.

113. To think two of my best lads have ended up like this.

114. - Singing in Asda. - Where do you suggest we sing?

115. Thanks to you, there is nowhere else.

116. I didn't burn the club down!

117. No, but it were you with your cutting corners,

118. your dodgy fire equipment and forged insurance documents.

119. I had to cut comers, it were a third club.

120. The premiums were through the roof.

121. - You could've killed someone. - Ah, coulda, woulda, shoulda.

122. - It'll be different this time. - This time?

123. I'm reopening the Phoenix. We... We're gonna reopen the Phoenix.

124. Are you on medication?

125. I am. Two tablespoons of ambition, three times a day.

126. Reopen the Phoenix? What with?

127. You've no money, no licence, no brewery.

128. And what's this "we"?

129. We. Me and you and Alan and the others.

130. There is no we. We has moved on.

131. And so has everybody else.

132. It's time you got off your fat arse, too.

133. Fat? Fat arse?

134. 'Jerry St Clair to customer services, please.'

135. Happy to help? Then help me, Jerry. I need you.

136. Help yourself. Look, take my advice, will you?

137. Stop living in the past, forget the Phoenix.

138. Move somewhere else, start again.

139. Jerry. Jerry!

140. I better, erm...

141. - You know. - Yeah.

142. A bit hard on him, weren't you?

143. I suppose.

144. It's for the best.

145. We went for a fish supper, back to his place

146. and he dropped his trousers.

147. He's just about to get to the vinegar strokes and his phone...

148. Can I call you back, Mum?

149. Yes, can I help?

150. Is, er, Hoss around?

151. - Who? - Hoss.

152. Frank. Mr Cartwright, Frank Cartwright.

153. Mr Cartwright, there's someone here to see you.

154. What? Who? When? Where...

155. Hey, Brian Potter!

156. What happened to your legs?

157. What happened to your head? You were bald last time I saw you.

158. .. whole committee, like a frog up a pump!

159. They were happy days, were them.

160. - Oh, you can't go back now. - I'm glad I'm out of clubland.

161. - That's why I've come here. - Yeah?

162. Look at me, I got this place - 69 rooms en suit.

163. I'm making a fortune. That's why it's called the Golden Mile.

164. I've got a bar, a bistro, a children's play area,

165. a sauna, a sarolium, a lift to all floors.

166. If Carol's leg pays out, I'm gonna get a Jacuzzi. I am.

167. Do you know what the future is? Are you listening?

168. The future is everything under one roof.

169. Look on there - "Sunshine Indoors."

170. You wanna forget clubland, get yourself set up out here.

171. "Le Ponderosa. Sunshine Indoors."

172. - I like that. Very good, Frank. It's catchy. - See?

173. You're forgetting, I'm blacklisted.

174. - The brewery won't touch me. - You don't need a brewery.

175. Bottles and cans, that's all I use.

176. It's not what they drink but where.

177. And when you make a big success of it on your own two feet...

178. the brewery'll come crawling back.

179. I've not got a licence.

180. Neither have I. It's Carol's name over the door

181. but I call the shots.

182. - What do you mean? - What you need, Brian, is a fall guy.

183. Somebody you can manipulate.

184. He thinks it's his gaff but it's yours.

185. You're working him from behind, you see?

186. There must be somebody. Trust me, Brian, there's always a way.

187. You think about it.

188. Yeah.

189. Anyway, just make yourself at home here.

190. We'll sort the bill out when you leave.

191. Thank you very much.

192. Oh, what are they doing?

193. '♪ I'm gonna help you'

194. A bit of brisket in there, I'm being too good to you. Tell you what, I'm filling up.

195. And I'll you what we got today, It's BSE day -

196. bit of something extra.

197. A full bag there, I'm not asking eight quid,

198. not seven quid, six quid the lot

199. and I'll chuck in a pig's dick for the dog.

200. Bit of a delicacy in Thailand, those.

201. Who's having...

202. Hang on, excuse me.

203. - Hello? - Hello? Leslie, it's Brian.

204. Hiya, Brian. How's it going?

205. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there.

206. Hang on a minute. You don't just run out like that.

207. - Nothing's coming. - You can't be too careful.

208. - We're gonna be late. - Better late than dead.

209. We were late yesterday cos you said Jackie Chan was seeing you.

210. He did. You missed him by seconds.

211. He kicked an old lady over there.

212. This'll be him now.

213. Kenny? Kenny Senior?

214. Hello, Jackie. Yeah, I got you that paint.

215. One-coat gloss.

216. Jackie? Who the hell's Jackie?

217. Chuck Norris wants what? Woodchip?

218. - I'll see what I can do. - He's a liar.

219. - He's sick. - He ate his family.

220. Hello, Brian. Sorry about that.

221. Come on, come on.

222. Come on, sing along!

223. The louder you scream, the faster the ride.

224. Remember, fun is the key

225. but keep seated at all times or you may die.

226. Hello, Mr Potter. Sit down!

227. Sorry!

228. Hello? Oh, Brian! How are you?

229. Sorry, love, I can't talk. I'm in church.

230. Key change!

231. Right, here we are, boys.

232. Straight out and in.

233. - 'Chorley FM coming...' - Say one for me.

234. - Hey, have you seen this? - What?

235. Eight missed calls off Ironside.

236. Look at that! What a bloody shame.

237. - I know. - Come on, get in.

238. - What we doing here anyway? - You'll see.

239. I've missed my power yoga for this.

240. Bloody hell! Look who's here. How are you all?

241. All right, how are you?

242. - Nice to see you. - Hiya, love!

243. They're all here. Paddy, Kenny...

244. - All right? - Aye, smashing.

245. It's nice to see you all, it is, honest. What you doing here?

246. Don't tell me - Brian.

247. Yeah.

248. I knew he'd have summat to do with this.

249. Let's hear what he's got to say first.

250. Well, where is he?

251. Here we go.

252. All right, knock it off.

253. Thanks for coming, everybody.

254. I suppose you're wondering why I've gathered you.

255. Well, I'll tell you.

256. Track six, you pillock. Track six.

257. God forbid he be melodramatic.

258. I have a dream, people, I have a dream.

259. If we build it, they will come.

260. - Build what? - A new Phoenix.

261. - Here we go again. - Bigger, better,

262. faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes.

263. A superclub, only this time we'll have it all.

264. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.

265. - Food, eh? - But not just any old food.

266. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...

267. - Garlic bread? - That's right, Max.

268. Garlic bread - it's the future. I've tasted it.

269. - And who's gonna cook it? - Cooks. Chefs. Us.

270. - We'll all cook it, we'll all muck in. - I can cook.

271. You can cook and you will cook, sister. Amen to that.

272. A playroom for the kids cos I believe children are the future.

273. - Isn't garlic bread the future? - Shut up. I'm on a roll.

274. We'll have a sarolium, a sun bed, leisure facilities.

275. - Go on! - That's it, Brian!

276. That's right, lads. You know it.

277. Sunshine indoors! They can tan while they drink.

278. Drink? Drink what? We've got no brewery.

279. We don't need a brewery. We can do it. Balls to 'em.

280. - Bottles and cans, that's all you need. - And my homebrew. It's won awards.

281. - It tastes like piss. - That was piss.

282. It doesn't matter what they drink,

283. it's the facilities, and they'll have it all under one roof.

284. But Brian, we haven't got a roof.

285. We'll build a friggin' roof, won't we, Ray?

286. - A few slates, some MDF. - You can't use MDF...

287. That's the ticket. We'll do a Changing Rooms in half an hour.

288. Hallelujah!

289. This rain is a baptism for the new Phoenix.

290. But I've told you, we've all moved on,

291. we've all got new lives.

292. New lives? You call singing in Asda having a life? Eh?

293. You call selling meat from a wagon a life?

294. Lying to kids as they cross the road? Oh, yes.

295. That's not living, it's existing.

296. You deserve better, you deserve this club.

297. - I can't do it without you. - You can't do it full stop.

298. You've no licence, you've been banned for life.

299. Ah! Ah, Jerry, that's right.

300. I have been banned for life but you've not.

301. You've not been banned. You could be the licensee.

302. - Think about it. - Me?

303. Yeah, you, Jerry. You, the licensee of the new Phoenix.

304. I'm not getting any younger, my running days are over.

305. I'm handing the baton to you. Take it. Run wild and run free.

306. There'll be no more cutting corners now you're the gaffer.

307. - I don't know what to say. - Say yes, Jerry.

308. Say yes and inherit what's rightfully yours.

309. What do you think?

310. Jerry?

311. All right, yeah. I'll bloody do it!

312. I knew you wouldn't let me down, Jerry.

313. There you are, Jerry, what do you think?

314. Would you like to sign there on the dotted line, Mr Licensee?

315. - Oh, yes. - There you go.

316. Oh, aye.

317. Next.