Phoenix Nights 2x6

Directed by Peter Kay

The Phoenix has risen and the punters are back. Brian isn't surprised when the brewery decides to come and celebrate his victory and throws a gala Stars in Their Eyes show.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Sorry, love, we're fully booked,

2. we've got nothing Thursday, Friday or Saturday...

3. Not Sunday, no. Sunday's a day of rest, love.

4. Brian! Hey!

5. Look at this. We're raking it in.

6. Just had the brewery on the phone.

7. - What did they want? - To congratulate us on our success.

8. - Did they now? - Said they wouldn't mind coming in.

9. Didn't I say they'd come crawling back? About time, too.

10. - You said we didn't need them. - That were then.

11. Now we're a success.

12. With the brewery's money, we could open a chain!

13. Two words - investment. We'll get 'em down.

14. Give 'em a night they'll never forget. Wheel out the big guns.

15. - What have you got in mind? - A big birthday bash.

16. - Whose birthday is it? - Ours, if we get that brewery money.

17. Oi!

18. Have you seen this? "Punters today want more and that's what we give them.

19. "The future's bright, the future's Phoenix." Future's Phoenix!

20. Prick. He's ruining us all with this Chinese restaurant crap.

21. Nobody in last night, empty again tonight.

22. Have you seen this?

23. I just caught that tiger of Potters.

24. He put it up outside. He said the brewery's coming down.

25. Well, they'll be the only ones there when I've finished.

26. Dougie Hayes, please.

27. Hello, Dougie. It's Jerry St Clair here from t'Phoenix club.

28. Listen, the Stars In Their Eyes night on the 21st,

29. I'm gonna have to pull it, we've hardly sold a ticket.

30. Yeah, Den Perry's got a big night on down t'Banana Grove and we can't...

31. Yeah, he is a fat bastard.

32. I understand that but we'll pay for any inconvenience.

33. Oh, yeah. And you.

34. Thanks, old son. Ciao.

35. Hey!

36. Ooh! Looks like I'm gonna need some more cigars, boys.

37. - Who are the brewery sending? - Mike Brennan.

38. We'll give him five-star treatment, pull out all the stops.

39. - Whoa! what's that? - It's your disabled parking space.

40. - I know that! What's that in his hand? - It's your vase. It's you.

41. Get it off, now. Do you hear me?

42. I'll roll over your fingers.

43. Oi, Petrocelli, are you shifting that thing or what?

44. Full house tonight. You're taking up three parking spaces!

45. I'm moving it.

46. You've been saying that for three weeks.

47. - I'll charge you council tax. - Miserable bastard.

48. Move. Move! Do you hear me?

49. I got you an egg custard.

50. - What's wrong with you? - He's back.

51. - Who's back? - The husband.

52. The one we give the money to to disappear.

53. What husband?

54. The one we were supposed to shoot but didn't - he's back.

55. Back? He's supposed to be abroad.

56. He's just gone in the bookies.

57. Oh, shit. Are you all right, boys?

58. Come here! What are you doing back? What did we tell you?

59. - Look at this. - Evening, ladies.

60. Nice legs, what time do they open?

61. - Piss off. - Oh, yes, I'm on there.

62. Jesus, man, snap out of it. What's up with you?

63. - I've things on me mind. - He's gone.

64. We put the frighteners on him. He won't come back.

65. Forget it.

66. - Oi! - Oh, shit, it's his wife.

67. Leave this to me, don't say a word.

68. Well, if it isn't The Hitman And Her.

69. - All right, Fanny. - I'll give you Fanny.

70. - He's alive. Back from the bloody dead. - Who?

71. You bloody well know who. My husband.

72. Well... he were dead when we left him.

73. Was he now? was he now? He's just kicked my door down

74. - and asked what's for his tea. - I can explain.

75. I don't want anything explained, I want my £8,000 back.

76. £8,000?

77. - You gave me a grand. - Well, he's ripped us both off.

78. - Where's it gone? - I'll tell you where it's gone.

79. - Luxurious motor home. - You better get it sold, quick,

80. cos I want it back!

81. Hang on! A deal's a deal, love.

82. - Eight grand? - No, you hang on.

83. Listen to me, I came to you for help,

84. you lied to me but took me money.

85. I've been to see some real villains tonight,

86. not ten-a-penny jokers like you two, and guess what?

87. This time I'm gonna get the job done much cheaper.

88. Killing him's not the answer, love.

89. Who said anything about killing him?

90. Hey? Oi!

91. Eight grand?

92. - And is this the wife? - No.

93. Oh, I see. I see. Cat's away and all that.

94. - This is my fiancée, Dawn. - Is it? Dawn! Pleased to meet you.

95. - Nice to meet you. - Yeah. I'm Brian Potter.

96. Yeah, yeah. Do you like what we've done with the place?

97. Yeah, it's really nice. Mike told me about the fire.

98. Yeah. Talk about a kick in the balls.

99. Oh, you wouldn't know... Well, you wouldn't, would you? I hope.

100. Yeah. They laughed at me when I said I wanted to rebuild it

101. but they've always laughed at life's pioneers.

102. Walter Raleigh? I bet they pissed their sides when he brought tobacco over

103. and look at him now, he's made a fortune on fags and... bikes.

104. Eight... grand.

105. - I were gonna give you some more. - Yeah? When?

106. When I'd got... sorted.

107. In time I was gonna give you some, I just...

108. Eight grand.

109. What's that like?

110. 20? It's bootylicious, love.

111. - Leeches? - Lychees. It's a pudding.

112. - I know what it is, mouth. - OK.

113. You don't think she's got somebody to kill us?

114. Why not? She hired us to kill somebody, didn't she?

115. Eight grand, though.

116. So, Stars In Their Eyes. Who've you got lined up?

117. Oh, you're in for a treat tonight!

118. These kids, they look and sound like the real thing.

119. I were sat in the office this afternoon and I heard 'em practising

120. and I shouted, "Turn that radio down!"

121. - You can't tell the difference. - Brian.

122. This is Jerry St Clair, licensee, and my left foot.

123. - This is Mike Brennan. - Pleased to meet you.

124. - Can I have a word? - I'm just schmoozing now.

125. - Oh! Hang on! - Sorry, but he's just needed,

126. with show business and, you know, that sort of stuff.

127. Fancy going to this?

128. Bloody hell, Jerry, I'm in there with the brewery.

129. Drag me... What's happened? What's happened?

130. Listen, the acts for tonight, they're not coming.

131. - What? - They're not coming.

132. - What do you mean? - You know how they were coming?

133. - Well, now they're not. - Don't get sarcastic.

134. - Have you phoned Dougie? - Yeah.

135. He said I called and cancelled the show.

136. - What did you do that for? - Well, I didn't, did I?

137. Somebody must have phoned up pretending to be me.

138. - Who'd do that? - I'll tell you who'd do that,

139. Den Perry, that's who'd do that.

140. What are we gonna do now?

141. Good evening. I'm Jerry St Clair,

142. your host and compere and licensee,

143. welcoming you to Stars In Your Eyes!

144. - All right? - Everything all right, Brian?

145. - Yeah, why? - You're late starting.

146. You know the drill, the longer you wait, the more they sup.

147. .. the show on the road with our first act.

148. Tonight, singing live, it's...

149. Lulu!

150. - I don't know who I can be. - Just keep looking.

151. - What do you think of this? - Who are you?

152. I don't know, I was hoping you would.

153. Eh? Hey, now we're talking.

154. Did you phone her? What's she say?

155. - Answer machine. - Did you leave a message?

156. Did I, balls. Saying what? Please don't kill us?

157. I've been thinking, maybe we can reason with 'em,

158. - whoever's gonna do it. - I doubt it.

159. Once they've got a target, they won't deviate.

160. This type of beast only speaks one language - violence.

161. Tonight, singing live, it's...

162. it's Adam And The Ants.

163. Now you're talking!

164. - Here you are. - What's that?

165. - It's a baking tray. - Is it bulletproof?

166. Nonstick.

167. Hey!

168. - You pillock. - Here.

169. - What's that? - Cup of tea.

170. - Who made it? - Me.

171. - Did you leave the room? - I went for a piss.

172. Whoa! What you doing?

173. It could've been poisoned, man.

174. Tonight, singing live, it's...

175. It's Meatloaf!

176. I'm telling you, you've got to have eyes in the back of your head.

177. What about Finchy? They give him a Burnley wallet.

178. Strapped him to a Jag and drove him round the estate.

179. His belt buckle got caught in a grid.

180. They only found his top half. His coffin were yay big.

181. Oh, shut up, Patrick.

182. Whatever they do, I hope it's quick.

183. What about Tommy Dick Fingers?

184. They found him a wheelie bin, two snooker balls for eyes.

185. Leave it. Leave it.

186. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John.

187. Oh, it's not fair, Paddy.

188. If only I'd have met the right woman.

189. If only you'd have met a woman.

190. You know, I always wanted children.

191. Little Maxes and Maxines...

192. running around.

193. Don't worry. Don't worry, it's all right.

194. It's all right, your daddy's here.

195. - Calm down, man. - Come here.

196. Calm down! You're losing it.

197. Max!

198. Max, they're here.

199. Oh!

200. This is it, Patrick, this is it.

201. Oh, give me a hug, you big soft...

202. Shithouse.

203. I'm looking forward to this.

204. Let's go and see Brian Potter talking to himself.

205. Hey, that wasn't in the hamper.

206. Hey, lads, what do you call a show with no acts?

207. Enjoy it while you can.

208. Perry! What do you want?

209. I've some unfinished business, Brian - you.

210. Jerry! Jerry!

211. Save your breath, they can't hear you.

212. - They're all watching the show. - Yeah!

213. We're lucky we've got a show after the stunt you pulled.

214. Very original but not in the same league as burning us down.

215. Brian, Brian, Brian, what am I gonna do with you?

216. Nothing. You're too late, we're back. The Phoenix has risen.

217. They're queuing round the block to get in.

218. We're packed to the rafters, not like your club.

219. I hear it's down the shit pan. All you deserve, you fat pig.

220. Whoa! Get back, get back!

221. I'll head-butt you in the groin. Go on.

222. You're forgetting something, Brian,

223. we've been here before, remember?

224. Last year, Talent Trek, everything hunky-dory

225. and then...

226. Be awful if that happened again.

227. No. No, you're making a big mistake, Denzel.

228. The only mistake I made...

229. was setting fire to this place

230. while you weren't inside.

231. Eh?

232. Come on, boys. I wouldn't bother with a coat tonight,

233. I think it'll be warm enough.

234. What? What?

235. 'Did you get all that, Jerry?'

236. Every word.

237. 'Ey, come on.

238. All right, Perry, have you got a radio mic at your club?

239. I'll tell you something, they pick up everything.

240. They cost a few bob but I think this one's just paid for itself.

241. Hey, Mike...

242. you don't think we would do...

243. Hey! We're old mates. Me and Potter.

244. Having a laugh, eh? Having a laugh?

245. I don't think so.

246. I knew. I knew.

247. - You daft bastard. - What are you doing?

248. Having a pissing heart attack.

249. I'm lying low. I'm going until the heat's off me.

250. - Hang on, I'm coming with you. - What?

251. Eight grand, remember? Half of this belongs to me.

252. Go on.

253. - We fooled the brewery, then? - Did we balls!

254. They knew it were us straightaway but they loved it.

255. Mike Brennan, he wanted Britney's phone number.

256. Does he want to book me?

257. Well, it sounded like book. Close your legs, you slut.

258. Did he say how much they'd give us?

259. He didn't specify, Jerry, no.

260. He said he was coming tomorrow to discuss a deal.

261. - At least Den Perry won't get anything. - To that.

262. Did you see? He were crying when they put him that police van.

263. Good. I'm glad.

264. Hey! You can get your licence back now. You're in the clear.

265. Bloody hell, I am, aren't I? I'm in the clear.

266. See, God loves you, Brian.

267. No, I don't think I want me licence back.

268. I think Jerry's done us proud.

269. We should leave things as they are.

270. A toast. To Jerry St Clair, Phoenix licensee.

271. A toast to Jerry St Clair, Phoenix licensee.

272. Thanks, I'd just like to say...

273. Sit down, Jerry.

274. Here goes.

275. Oh!

276. 'Get back, you bastard. I'll break your legs.'

277. - Old faithful. - Oh, aye.

278. Come on, lads, come and have a drink.

279. Oi, Mandy Dingle, tell Potter we're off.

280. - Off where? - Who knows?

281. We don't know but we'll know when we get there.

282. - How will you know? - We just will. All right?

283. Yeah, but how will you know if you don't where you're going?

284. - Just drive over him. - I'm gonna.

285. Move, Penguin, I'll flatten you.

286. All right. OK.

287. Evening, ladies.

288. Nice legs. What time do they open?