Phoenix Nights 2x5

Directed by Peter Kay

It's Ladies' Night, Brian's stocked up on Bacardi and Paddy can't wait for the bored housewives to arrive. Max has his eye on a different chassis but he knows she's out of his league.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. 'It's number 14!

2. 'The seventh appearance in the National Lottery.

3. 'Third ball tonight is number 26.

4. 'Nine times now it's been a main ball...'

5. It's the midweek lottery. Come on!

6. 'It's number 41. The second week running...'

7. Come on, you frigger. Here we go.

8. 'It's number ten. The...'

9. Whoa, whoa!

10. Aw, shitter, shit, shit, shitter, shitter.

11. All right, keep calm, Brian.

12. Right, what would Thora Hird do?

13. Aw, shit.

14. Help!

15. This is naughty this, eh? Have you seen the gear in here?

16. I didn't think Potter'd have a ladies' night.

17. Whips, chains, dildos.

18. Roll on tonight. Are you working?

19. - No, it's women only. - I bet it is.

20. You know what goes on at these ladies' nights, don't you?

21. You know!

22. No.

23. Come on, Spence, you must have had your fair share.

24. Then again. Listen, the wine's not the only thing that flows -

25. all those bored housewives gagging for it.

26. - My mum's an 'ousewife. - Is she?

27. Does she look like that?

28. - Oooh, she's beautiful. - Hmm.

29. Look at that.

30. - Lovely body. - Yeah.

31. It's been a dream of mine to get one of them things

32. and take off like Easy Rider.

33. - He had a bike. - You know what I mean.

34. A mate of mine had a Jacuzzi in his.

35. Did he? Just the one?

36. Look at these here. Half-price, reconditioned.

37. How much? I've not got me readers.

38. - Er... 3995. - 3995?

39. Hoo-hoo. Stick with the Volvo, Max. Keep dreaming.

40. Has anyone seen Brian?

41. That's it.

42. Go on.

43. Come on, Potter. Come on, Potter.

44. Come on, you frigger.

45. This is the one. This is the one.

46. Come on!

47. That's it! That's it, come to daddy.

48. Slowly.

49. What the shit were that?

50. Jerry! Jerry, is that you?

51. Brian? Is that you?

52. I'm trapped, man. I'm trapped on the stairs.

53. - Kick the door in. - What? With my back?

54. No, with your foot, you tool.

55. What are you doing? You've broke me door!

56. Shoulder it, you big dick.

57. Oh, come on!

58. - Ouch! - You've broke me door!

59. - I've broke me foot. - Shut up. Get me down.

60. Ohh. What's that smell?

61. Never mind what that smell is. Just get me down.

62. - What's happened? - Bloody power cut, that's what.

63. I've been here all night. Get me down.

64. - Where's your fuse box? - Under the stairs.

65. Under there, go on. Under there!

66. - It's just tripped out. - Jerry!

67. - There you go. - Oh, friggin' hell.

68. What you doing down there?

69. Keep your eyes closed. Tight closed, right?

70. - Are they closed? - Yeah.

71. Open 'em.

72. The Golden Phoenix? Have you gone mad, man?

73. - Do you like it? - No, I do not like it.

74. - It looks like a Chinese brothel. - Doesn't.

75. We're a working men's club not a Chinese restaurant.

76. But, listen, I've had this idea. We can be both.

77. We could be...

78. a woking men's club.

79. Oh, Jerry, no, no.

80. People round here don't want chicken chop suey

81. and sweets sold separately, they don't.

82. But they do, you're missing it all.

83. They can't get enough of it. Trust me.

84. They can't make it fast enough.

85. This could be just what we need, just give it a try.

86. This food's worth a fortune.

87. Don't you think I'm traumatised enough with what I've been through?

88. I heard about that. Are you all right?

89. It's just a blur,

90. till Chairman Mao here kicked me front door in.

91. You must have shit yourself.

92. Oh, thank you. Thank you, big mouth.

93. Didn't take long, did it?

94. Love eggs?

95. Yeah, just pop 'em up your flume before you go to work

96. and I guarantee you'll come before the bus does.

97. - Ladies. - Have a nice night.

98. We will.

99. "We will." Did you hear that? They're gagging for it.

100. It's not even kicked off yet. We will!

101. Phwoar! I've got to get in there.

102. - Go and have a rest. - I'm all right.

103. No, I'm f...

104. - Do you want to sit in t'back? - No, I'm all right.

105. They'll just be getting going in there.

106. - Have you farted? - Yeah, I can't help it.

107. That stinks, you animal!

108. - I won't be long. - Hey! Whoa, whoa.

109. Evening, ladies.

110. Sorry about the drains.

111. - Sorry about the drains. - It's all right.

112. Right, ladies, in your sexy starter kit we've got a whip.

113. - Whoo! - Some handcuffs.

114. Oooh! There you go.

115. And a blindfold because

116. you don't want to look at him while he's doing it.

117. And also - I can never say this, let me think -

118. choc-chip dick lick,

119. which has got to be an improvement, hasn't it?

120. No, love, don't taste that. It's a lubricant.

121. Oh, my God! Oh! Here!

122. Those that have got them, take your vibies and switch 'em on.

123. Oh, sweet Jesus!

124. Another satisfied customer!

125. - All right, love? - Yeah.

126. - Just having a breather. - Yeah.

127. - Allow me. - Thanks.

128. Sorry.

129. Cheers.

130. Are you here for the ladies' night, Fanny?

131. Fanny?

132. That's not me name!

133. She gives them us in there, these badges.

134. It were either this or Brenda Blowjob.

135. Good choice.

136. - Have you been bouncing long? - Too long.

137. I bet you see a lot of violence and that.

138. Oh, aye. Oh, aye, you get the odd knobhead

139. but nothing I can't handle.

140. So you can handle yourself?

141. You got to be able to in this game, love.

142. It goes with the territory.

143. Your nose is the second most sensitive part of your body.

144. There you go.

145. That's 19.99, that one.

146. Sucks, pumps and fits all car lighters.

147. And don't forget your Vibe And Shine for keeping 'em fresh. OK.

148. One time, this guy came at me and he had a knife,

149. well, I say one guy, there were four of 'em.

150. He gets me in a back entry.

151. When someone comes at you with a knife,

152. you need a bit of split-second thinking.

153. - It's either him or me. - And?

154. I'm still here. They don't mess with the daddy.

155. Kiss, kiss, bang, bang, eh? Meet K and O.

156. Do you ever do any private work?

157. - You mean like pointing? - No.

158. I've got, erm...

159. I need someone taking out.

160. You mean like an escort service? Yeah, yeah.

161. No. It's me husband.

162. Your husband?

163. I want someone to finger him.

164. I beg your pardon?

165. I want him... bumped off. I want him dead.

166. You want him what, love?

167. Oh, aye! Where's Beadle, eh? Eh?

168. I know, aye, yeah.

169. Get inside, you've had too much to drink.

170. - You're taking the piss. - I'm not. I want it done, I want him dead.

171. - You want your husband dead? - I can pay you what it costs.

172. Forget it, right? Just forget I said it.

173. I'm gonna get it done. If you don't wanna do it, fine.

174. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, love.

175. You're serious, aren't you?

176. Somthing like this, it's, er...

177. - It's not cheap, you know. - How much?

178. 3995.

179. Call it four grand.

180. Right. When can you do it?

181. I don't know. I'll have to make a few calls, you know,

182. put a few feelers out.

183. - What's that? - It's me mobile.

184. Give me a ring when you've sorted it.

185. OK, ladies, have I got a treat for you tonight?

186. It's cabaret time!

187. Will you please welcome on stage,

188. here at very short notice, the lord of love, Lord Love Rockets.

189. I've made a few calls and... It's gonna cost you eight grand.

190. Eight grand? You said it were four.

191. - Eight grand. - Why's it doubled?

192. It's a two-man job, love.

193. If it were a one-man job, four. I can't do it on me own.

194. It's a two-man job.

195. I'm just thinking, It's a lot of money to me, that.

196. If you want it done, you want it done properly.

197. It's a full service, disposal of body, petrol. It's all in.

198. So, this other bloke, is he any good or what?

199. Oh, yeah. He's one of the best.

200. The price on the street is eight grand.

201. Right.

202. Just hang on, love. Just wait there.

203. Bitches. If I hadn't farted, they'd have ripped me head off.

204. - So what do you reckon? - She wants us to kill her husband?

205. Is she mental?

206. She don't seem it. She's offered us £1,000.

207. - £1,000? - Each.

208. I'll blow his head off.

209. Right, we're having a little field trip today.

210. We're in the right place.

211. I'm frigged. He made me watch Leon four times last night.

212. And I had to sleep sitting up.

213. - I only got an hour's kip. - It's all training.

214. - Look at this. - Have you done a packed lunch?

215. Have I.

216. - What's that? - That, my friend,

217. Is a Broomhandle Mauser.

218. - I'm not using that! - What's wrong with it?

219. - It's an antique! - There's nothing wrong with it.

220. It were me granddad's. He shot a German with this.

221. - In t'war? - Benidorm. In a row over a sun lounger.

222. Didn't do things by half, granddad.

223. He gave me this, you know, on me thirteenth birthday.

224. - Thoughtful. - Bollocks. You never told me.

225. I never told no one.

226. All I got was a space hopper.

227. - That burst. - I know.

228. I shot it.

229. Bollocks! Hey! Hey!

230. What were wrong? You nearly killed me!

231. Shut up, you soft bastard. Put 'em on the wall.

232. - Here, gently does it. Just hold it... - I know what I'm doing.

233. - It's like a lady. - I know.

234. - Just hold it. Relax your wrist... - I know how to shoot a gun.

235. It's a Broomhandle Mauser, not a gun.

236. - Max, I know what I'm doing. - Right. OK. Go on.

237. I can't believe you shot me brother.

238. He'll live. It were only a flesh wound.

239. Casualty for four hours.

240. Me mum's gonna go up the wall.

241. He'll be right.

242. I'm supposed to be shifting a fridge tonight.

243. What's the crack here anyhow?

244. She's in there with him now.

245. She's gonna get him pissed and drive out into t'sticks for a shag.

246. That's when we take over.

247. I'm not shagging him. Not for a grand.

248. Not shag him, shoot him, you prick.

249. They're having summat to eat?

250. They'll be ages. I could've worked tonight.

251. Potter's opening the restaurant tonight.

252. Three, two, one.

253. I honourably declare the Golden Phoenix open!

254. Open!

255. Look at that, a phoenix.

256. This is Jerry St Clair, the licensee,

257. if you'd like to put any questions to him.

258. Mr St Clair, Jane Crossley, Bolton Independent Leader,

259. where did you get the idea?

260. - What happened... - It just came to me.

261. Like St Paul on the road to Domestos.

262. We're selling food behind the bar, I said, "Let's open a restaurant."

263. Things are gonna change now.

264. Out with the sausage roll and in with the spring.

265. Where did you find the chefs?

266. There they are, Ant and Dec. Our Barbara's lads, God rest her soul.

267. Fresh out of cooking college. Happy as sandboys.

268. Can't speak a word of the Queen's

269. but can knock the shit out of an egg chow mein

270. quicker than you can say Triads.

271. Mr St Clair, what do you think the rival clubs will think?

272. - To be honest... - Balls to 'em. And Den Perry.

273. This will kick clubland up the arse.

274. They better shape up or shit out. We're gonna make a fortune... cookie!

275. Fortune cookie! We've got some there. Home-made.

276. Just crack one off, son.

277. - What's it say? - Piss flaps.

278. Piss flaps?

279. Piss flaps? Piss flaps? What the hell's that about?

280. Excuse me.

281. This'd make a good film...

282. cos this has got a good story.

283. - Yeah? - What we're doing now.

284. - Who'd play you? - Steven Seagal. He's the only one.

285. He's got the hand speed.

286. I'm thinking more Danny DeVito.

287. You cheeky bastard.

288. Danny DeVito? He's about four foot.

289. This is them, this is them.

290. Here we go. Put me tape in!

291. That's her and that's him with her.

292. That's it, there you go.

293. - Move up a bit. - I'm moving!

294. - Hang on a minute. - Haven't done this for a bit, have we?

295. - You want to see him? - We're not here for a picnic.

296. - Say please. - Give over!

297. Come on, you know you want it.

298. Oh! Pretty please. Get him out.

299. - Hang on. - Get on with it.

300. There he is, little pork soldier out on parade.

301. Attention! Grab him, come on.

302. - What? Who are you? - Your worst nightmare.

303. - You know what that is? - What?

304. It's a Broomhandle Mauser.

305. - Do you want to put that away? - Yeah. Calm down, lads.

306. - Calm down. - We don't need dead heroes.

307. - Get up slowly. - Yeah.

308. - Slowly. - Calm down, lads.

309. It's a gun. Get up. Right.

310. Do you want money? She's got money! She's loaded.

311. Go and get help! Phone me mam!

312. Get up. I'm getting mud all over me Armani copies.

313. - Shut up. - Max, just get him down there.

314. - Don't tell him me name! - We're killing him anyway!

315. Please, lads! I'll do anything.

316. I can get you proper Armanis.

317. - Shut up. - Can you get Versace?

318. - Anything. - Hey!

319. You can get as many Versaces as you want with your money.

320. Money? Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it.

321. - You can have me car. - What is it?

322. It's not friggin' Swap Shop.

323. - Right, here'll do. - Please!

324. Right, go on, kill him.

325. - You what? - Go on, shoot him.

326. No, no, please!

327. - Shut up! - Shoot him now?

328. - I don't wanna die. - Yes!

329. I don't wanna die! No, please!

330. No! Help me. I don't wanna die, please.

331. Help us, please.

332. - I can't. - What do you mean?

333. I can't do it.

334. You had no problem with our Terry when you blew his leg off.

335. No, please.

336. - Don't kill me, please. - Go on.

337. No, please! Please! No.

338. You've missed! How'd you miss from there?

339. I've not missed.

340. - See this, son? - No!

341. There's £3,000 here.

342. - Three grand! - Get off, you.

343. You've had your chance.

344. Take it and go abroad. Don't come back.

345. Do you hear me?

346. If you come back, we will find you and we will kill you.

347. - Right? - Yes, Max.

348. Get out of here.

349. Before I change me mind. Go on!

350. - Three grand? - Think about it.

351. He's gone, he won't come back, she thinks he's dead

352. and we've got our money.

353. Think about it, Patrick.

354. - You'll do for me. - Yes!

355. Right, let's finish it.

356. - Look at that! - Never mind your shoe.

357. Is it over? I heard the gunshot.

358. It's done, love.

359. Do you think I've done the right thing?

360. It's a bit late now!

361. Go on, get out of here.

362. - You haven't seen us, all right? - Right.

363. Go on.

364. £1,000! Dink-dank-doo!

365. Listen to your Uncle Max, you'll not go far wrong.

366. - Yeah! - Come on.

367. Eh?

368. I don't believe it. It's him again.

369. It's the same bloke.

370. Is that it? Do you do anything else?

371. No, there's no more.

372. Right, then. Well, fuck off.