1. Come on. Keep together.
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2. We're getting warmer.
Did anyone see the film Backdraft?
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3. I worked on that.
Showing De Niro the ropes.
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4. Lovely bloke, Bobby.
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5. That completes your tour.
I've been your tour guide, Kenny Senior.
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6. Hope you've enjoyed...
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7. Hope you've enjoyed the tour today.
Hope you've enjoyed...
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8. Thank you, Kenny Senior.
This way, ladies and gentlemen.
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9. This is where you buy
your charred souvenir remains.
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10. Potter wants more ashtrays.
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11. Hold up. Bit of chair, there.
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12. - Right.
- Be careful with that.
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13. £2, your charred glasses, there,
as, er, left on the fire.
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14. All this is charred remains, love.
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15. - You're just cashing in.
- Oh, no, we're not cashing in, love.
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16. No, you think that,
but getting rid of this is therapeutic.
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17. It's part of the healing process.
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18. Some of us still suffer flashbacks.
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19. It's our Vietnam, this.
Scars are mental as well as physical.
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20. - How much are your ashtrays?
- Four quid.
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21. - Go on, I'll have two.
- Jerry, two ashtrays, please.
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22. Yah, you bastard! Shit! Shit!
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23. Some of us are still suffering, love.
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24. 'The Queen celebrated
her silver jubilee.
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25. 'The Yorkshire Ripper was still at large
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26. 'and David Soul got to number one.
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27. 'What was the year?
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28. 'It's The Golden Years
on Chorley FM.
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29. 'Coming in your ears.'
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30. Yeah, yeah. What is it?
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31. - She what?
- Kamikaze.
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32. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I see, I see, I see.
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33. Not a bad drop, is it?
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34. Ha, h... hey.
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35. I was saying to the wife - not a bad drop.
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36. New, premier Japanese rager.
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37. Kamikaze.
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38. Could have done with this
when they built your railways. Not bad.
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39. And what's all this about?
Win a year's free supply?
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40. Win a year suppry. Dozo.
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41. - Big promotion.
- Yeah?
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42. For big, UK launch.
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43. Let the British people know.
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44. Oh, right. Let the British people know.
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45. If you wanna let them know, my son,
you've gotta get out.
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46. Wasting your time in here.
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47. You've gotta get into the pubs,
get into the heart of clubland.
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48. - 'Sonya to non-food.'
- Pubs, club?
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49. Clubland. Brian Potter.
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50. I run the Phoenix club, world famous.
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51. As seen on TV. You might recognise me.
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52. Eh?
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53. No? I'm a bit of...
bit of a celebrity round here.
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54. Yeah, yeah. This, this big...
this big UK launch,
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55. have you thought about
where you might be having it?
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56. - What do you think, Joyce?
- I'm not raving, Mary.
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57. No.
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58. Well, what do you think?
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59. - It's got a bit of a kick.
- Like a Japanese mule, Leslie.
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60. - What do you think, Jerry?
- I can't drink on my tablets.
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61. - More t...? What are these for?
- Remember, you burnt me hand?
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62. I didn't burn your hand.
You burnt your own bloody hand.
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63. Christ. Look at all these.
Druggie, druggie, druggie.
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64. You'll be in the toilets next,
snorting Cecil.
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65. - You mean Charlie?
- What?
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66. - Charlie.
- I don't know who he is. Never met him.
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67. Can you get mules in Japan?
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68. I can.
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69. - Beautiful, isn't it?
- What are you gonna do, sell it?
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70. More than that. We're gonna launch it.
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71. Had a chat at the cash-and-carry
with the top bollocks.
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72. Couldn't speak English
but he was fluent in the language of...
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73. business, that's the main thing.
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74. The upshot being,
he wants to have his grand launch here.
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75. - Here, why?
- Cos we're the Phoenix Club,
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76. as seen on TV, we're world famous.
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77. Once he knew that,
he jumped at the chance.
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78. D'you have to eat that muck in here?
It stinks!
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79. Aw, Brian, it's beautiful.
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80. Come on. Come on, try a bit. Go on.
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81. Get bent.
I've got heartburn just smelling it.
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82. So this grand launch,
what does he want? Big cabaret?
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83. - Dancers? Bingo? Raffle?
- No, no, no. He wants...
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84. A quiz. A pub quiz.
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85. - A pub quiz?
- Yeah.
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86. A big quiz with a big prize. Read that.
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87. "Win a year's supply of Kamikaze lager."
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88. - Yeah. And we're gonna win it.
- How?
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89. - We're gonna cheat.
- You can't cheat.
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90. We can. Why can't we?
Someone's gotta win. Why can't it be us?
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91. I wish you'd have discussed it with me.
I'm the licensee.
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92. What's there to discuss?
We're losing a fighting battle.
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93. That there, that's the answer
to our prayers, my son.
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94. - A year's supply of free beer for sod-all.
- When does he want this quiz?
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95. - Wednesday.
- Wednesday?
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96. - Yeah.
- Not this Wednesday.
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97. That's my night. Free And Easy night.
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98. Well, if it's that free and easy, shift it.
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99. No, I won't. I've built up a following.
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100. Well, tell them they can both
come to the quiz.
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101. Very funny. Thursday's quiz night,
always has been.
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102. Wednesday, Free And Easy night.
You can't rearrange days.
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103. I can do what we like, it's your club.
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104. Well, look. If I'm in charge, I say no.
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105. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Adolf.
Just roll back.
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106. Eh? There's a democracy.
We'll bloody vote.
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107. Right, fine. We'll have a vote on it, then.
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108. - Yeah.
- Right. All those in favour
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109. of not having a quiz night
on Wednesday, say "aye".
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110. Aye.
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111. I'm sorry,
I don't understand the question.
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112. You don't, do you?
Why don't you put your hand down?
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113. Thanks, everybody.
Thanks for your support.
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114. - Have your bloody precious quiz.
- We will.
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115. But if you think I'm cancelling Free and
Easy, you've got another think coming.
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116. Good. We'll have our quiz in here.
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117. - Good.
- Yeah.
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118. - Fine.
- OK.
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119. Let me know if you want those mules.
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120. .. two, one, two. Testing, one, two.
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121. Three, two, one. One, two.
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122. Two. One, two. One, two.
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123. Oh, God. Eh? Frig me. Eh?
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124. No wonder you wanted
your Free And Easy night.
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125. "Jerry St Clair"? "Young At Heart"?
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126. Did somebody say something then?
D'you hear anything?
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127. "Sexbomb. She Bangs, She Bangs."
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128. Oh, all the hits, eh?
Ho, ho, they're all on here.
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129. Can you tell him you look with
your eyes, not with your hands?
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130. He says, you look with your eyes,
not with your hands.
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131. I heard what he said, Leslie, all right?
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132. "The Drugs Don't Work."
They should. You've taken enough.
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133. What are them? What do they do?
Stop you being an arsehole?
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134. - It's you that's the arsehole.
- Ha-ha! You spoke to me.
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135. Hey, he spoke to me. Time out, I win.
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136. - The winner. Game over.
- They're for stress, all right?
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137. Stress? What do you know about stress?
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138. You wanna try walking a mile
in my shoes, boy.
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139. - Yeah, so do you.
- Oh, that were below the belt.
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140. Well, you wouldn't have felt it then,
would you?
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141. Eh? Well, one... Two-nil.
Why don't you go for the hat trick?
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142. Go on, slash me tyres
while I'm here, go on.
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143. Look, for Christ's sake,
will you two just pack it in?
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144. You're like a couple of bloody kids.
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145. He started it. 20 years, 20 years.
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146. I've known you,
Jerry Dignan, all that time,
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147. and this person,
this past week, I don't know.
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148. Who are you? I don't know you.
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149. You know why?
I've realised what you are, at last.
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150. You're a manipulator,
a schemer, that's what you are.
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151. You've got your precious quiz
but you've got to cheat to win.
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152. I'm doing it for the club.
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153. I've heard it before, Brian. What will they
do when they find out you've cheated?
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154. It's not my problem.
Like you say, you're the licensee.
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155. Innit? Noodles, them.
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156. Who's made it?
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157. Lads in t'back.
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158. - Answer sheet?
- Yes, please.
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159. - Thank you.
- Thanks very much. Thank you.
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160. - Here's the Phoenix team.
- All right?
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161. I thought there were three of you.
Where's Shere Khan?
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162. - Getting food.
- Look at this.
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163. - It's a quiz, not a carvery.
- There you go.
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164. - All right, Young Kenny.
- Nice one, Ken.
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165. Christ, what colour's your face today?
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166. - It's false tan, look.
- False tan?
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167. If you're using my sarolium for frig-all,
it'll be more than your face that's tanned.
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168. Smashing, this.
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169. It just winked at me.
Listen, do you know what you're doing?
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170. Don't worry.
We got it all sorted. Go on.
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171. - What are those?
- Answers.
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172. Do you know the questions?
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173. No, but you never know, do you?
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174. Jesus wept.
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175. The Phoenix club,
in association with Kamikaze,
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176. presents the biggest quiz in clubland!
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177. Please give it up for the one and only,
the Mental Oriental, Mr Ray Von. Chaww!
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178. Thank you. Thank you.
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179. Thank you for that warm welcome.
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180. It was lovely. It really did
bring a tear to my Jap's eye.
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181. Ah-so.
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182. Fill in your answers
on the sheet provided.
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183. Have you seen it out there? Have you?
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184. Dead. Dead. I told him it'd be like this.
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185. Where's Dot and Moira, eh?
Cliff and Tony?
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186. Wednesday night.
Free And Easy night, eh?
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187. Half-empty.
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188. Mm?
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189. Let's win that lager.
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190. Your first question.
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191. I suffer from pyrophobia.
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192. So what am I afraid of?
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193. - Pirates.
- Go on.
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194. - I suffer from...
- Straightaway. Poom.
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195. - What am I afraid of?
- I'm off for a drink.
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196. - Fancy a drink?
- I-I need a slash.
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197. Hello, Mam. It's Kenny.
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198. Kenny, your son.
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199. I know, I'm sorry it's been a long time.
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200. Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry I missed the funeral.
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201. Oh... Don't cry.
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202. Listen, what's pyrophobia a fear of?
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203. I'll name that tune in one.
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204. Thanks for coming to Free And
Easy night, not bothering with the quiz.
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205. We've got a great night for you.
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206. Go wild and crazy, give
a lovely welcome to Two's Company!
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207. Put the eyes back in, Granddad.
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208. - I'm Candy Floss.
- And I'm Barbara Q.
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209. - Have you got any water chestnuts?
- Yeah, it's good gear, this.
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210. Mm! Urgh!
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211. - What's that?
- It's sake.
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212. - God's sake, don't drink that.
- Me mouth's on fire.
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213. I'm not surprised.
You'll strip paint with that stuff.
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214. Sport.
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215. My balls are black and blue.
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216. I've just hit them with a mallet.
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217. What game am I playing?
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218. He's hit his balls with a mallet?
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219. S'what he said.
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220. My balls are black and blue.
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221. - I've just hit them with a...
- Oh, shit. They've all smudged.
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222. - What the f...? State of this.
- All right, love.
Copy !req
223. Your next question.
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224. was that a mobile phone
we just heard go off?
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225. You'll have to turn that off.
Can't have any mobile phones...
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226. - Evening, Potter.
- .. enemy of the quiz.
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227. What do you want, Perry?
You're barred. Shouldn't be in here.
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228. Now, now. Not a very warm welcome.
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229. You're still attracting
the up-market clientele.
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230. Christ. Don't know what smells worse,
them or the food.
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231. - What do you want, Perry?
- Me year's supply of lager.
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232. Ah, well. You're too late,
aren't you, dickhead?
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233. Because the quiz has started.
Ha-ha-ha.
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234. I know. I've come to see
how my team's getting on.
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235. There they are.
The Banana Grove's finest.
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236. Top of the quiz league,
three years running.
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237. Right little Bamber Gascoignes, they are.
All right, lads?
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238. Ringers? You can't do that,
Perry, that's cheating.
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239. Well, you tell it to the judge, Ironside.
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240. The quiz ninja's word is final.
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241. One and eight, 18.
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242. Eight and three, 83.
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243. Five and...
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244. Five and nine. Nine. Fif-nine. 59!
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245. - Got one. This is on its own.
- Something's not right.
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246. Who was I and why did I kill?
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247. Hey, Den Perry's got a team in.
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248. - Where?
- Over there.
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249. They're the league champions.
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250. - It's all right.
- The next question
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251. - is worth seven points.
- Ooh!
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252. I want you to name...
The Magnificent Seven.
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253. OK, now you're talking. Here we go.
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254. Coburn.
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255. - Yul Brynner.
- McQueen.
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256. McQueen. Bronson.
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257. Sneezy.
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258. Dopey.
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259. Bashful.
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260. We'll shit 'em.
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261. Yeah. Six and three, 63. Ye... ge...
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262. Eight and four, 84.
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263. Two little ducks. Quack, quack.
Don't believe me?
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264. - There, have a look. 22.
- Slow it down.
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265. ..41, never mind slower, catch up.
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266. - He's off his head.
- I'm not surprised.
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267. Have you seen all this here? What's this?
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268. Co-codamol, Pro Plus,
echinacea, ginkgo biloba.
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269. He's eight miles high, this lad.
He's gangsta trippin'.
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270. Here we go. What's four and five? 15.
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271. - Forty five, fif... 13!
- House!
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272. House! Shut up! Shut up!
I've got balls left in.
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273. Are you blind, woman?
You don't own me, you lot.
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274. I'm telling you now.
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275. - What were 14?
- I was developed...
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276. - Basil Brush.
- What about 21?
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277. - ..by compressed air...
- Great Wall of China.
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278. Oh, were it?
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279. You're right clever, you.
I won't be a minute.
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280. Get us some crisps.
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281. Syphilis.
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282. - Basil Brush.
- Yep.
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283. And that's the Great Wall of China.
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284. Lovely.
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285. - What's that?
- That? That's my mobile.
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286. Oh, yeah?
You naughty girl, eh?
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287. You'll do for me. Go on. Hey.
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288. - Oh!
- Ooh. Hey.
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289. Look at that.
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290. You'll get nowhere in life doing that.
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291. I don't know. It got me my eleven-plus.
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292. Hey. Oi. Are you cold?
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293. - 'Ey up, Jerry.
- It's gone cold, really cold.
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294. But it's nice cold, it's nice,
no, cold. Don't worry.
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295. It's a warm cold,
you know what I mean?
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296. You know, I love you, Alan.
I love you. I do.
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297. You're not supposed
to drink on them tablets.
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298. Dusty! Dry! Gobi Desert.
Desert, you see.
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299. Catch the moon. Catch the moon.
Come on, gonna catch the moon.
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300. Get the moon, now, bring it down.
No. Can you moon walk?
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301. Look. You can moon walk
now the moon's down here.
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302. Here we go. I'm gonna play a song.
I want the title of the song, not the artist.
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303. OK? Remember that. The title
of the song... not the artist. Here we go.
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304. - Put it down.
- No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.
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305. - Whoa, whoa, hey, hey!
- What are you doing, man?
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306. Let me get set up here. I want
the name of the song... not the artist.
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307. Here we go. Try this on for size.
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308. Whoa, let's play this game
properly or not at all.
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309. - Hey, hey!
- It's not right!
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310. Get with the programme, dickhead!
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311. Gotta win some lager!
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312. Hey, do teeth itch?
Do teeth itch? Tee...! If you...
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313. Just give us that.
See, the thing with teeth...
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314. You go... lemon.
Mm, lemon, good, good for teeth.
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315. - Come on!
- Come and sit down.
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316. - Take five minutes...
- They're good. Big girls...
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317. - Jerry...
- Hey, no, don't sit down.
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318. I'll not sit down. Catch the moon.
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319. - Catch the moon, bring it down.
- What's up?
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320. - I can't see the moon.
- Come on.
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321. We've got a bloody plane to catch! Go...
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322. Walking On The Moon.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
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323. Sing! ♪ Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
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324. Faster! ♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪ Louder!
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325. Faster! Catch me!
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326. The answer was... the Shroud of Turin.
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327. - Oh.
- Shit.
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328. - What did we have?
- Lisa Stansfield.
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329. Number 26, the answer was...
He died in a plane crash.
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330. Yes! Get in there!
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331. Hold it up. I've told you! Hold it up!
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332. Sit down, you! Give us a drum roll.
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333. Nnn... Ha-ya!
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334. Ha-ya!
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335. In third place, Lord Love Rocket
and his mongy mate, Max!
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336. Who?
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337. His mongy mate, Max?
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338. You mean me?
I'll rip your bastard head off.
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339. In second place, with 36 points...
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340. Top Banana!
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341. - Top Ba... Second?
- Second?
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342. - What do you mean, second?
- .. fiddle going on here.
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343. The winners, in first place...
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344. taking away a year's supply
of Kamikaze lager...
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345. with 39 points...
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346. The Gipsy Kings!
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347. - Who?
- Yes!
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348. Ray. There must be a mistake
because you didn't call us out.
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349. Kenny Senior, Spencer
and Young Kenny.
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350. - That you?
- Yeah.
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351. - You came twelfth.
- Out of how many?
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352. Twelve.
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353. Well, I don't think much of
your Top Banana. What happened?
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354. Least they beat your lads.
That's all that matters.
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355. My lads? What do you mean?
I won. I backed the winning team.
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356. - Them's my boys, over there.
- I thought...
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357. You see, that's your problem, Denzel.
You think too much.
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358. You think I'd back that shower
of shit of mine? No way. No way!
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359. Not a chance. I took out a bit
of insurance. Them's my boys.
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360. The Gipsy Kings, the winning team.
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361. Over there, with the gipsy quizmaster.
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362. You're a snake, Potter.
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363. They had the answers, didn't they?
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364. Who knows? Maybe they did,
maybe they didn't. You'll never know.
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365. You...
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366. Ho! N... Hello, Brian.
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367. How did we go on? Did we win?
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368. Did we win... tonight?
Did we... How did we do?
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369. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
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370. What you doing?
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371. - No idea.
- Oh!
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372. Jerry! Get up, man.
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373. If that's what your Kamikaze
lager does, you can shove it.
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374. No, no. That is not Kamikaze lager.
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375. Kamikaze is no...
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376. - Sake what?
- Nonalcoholic.
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377. - It's what?
- Nonalcoholic.
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378. Cheers, Potter.
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379. Another winner.
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380. Next!
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