Phoenix Nights 2x3

Directed by Peter Kay

To get publicity, Brian arranges for the Phoenix Club to be featured on TV show Crimetime (presented by Stuart Maconie), recreating the night of the blaze. It turns into a blatant plug for the club – and features Jerry's performance of Reach For The Stars. Meanwhile, the Chinese cooks are stir frying everything and the seedy Spencer (Daniel Kitson) is hired as a barman.

Request examples:

!req Phoenix Nights 2x3 [02:32]
!req Phoenix Nights 2x3 [Phoenix Nights 2x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Phoenix Nights 2x3 [10-11]; !req Phoenix Nights 2x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Straight up.

2. Straight up. Keep going, keep going. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

3. That's it, you... As far as you can go.

4. Right up, no, right up. As far as you can go.

5. That's it, and we're 100 yards down on your left, love.

6. Past the dry-cleaners. All right.

7. - Mr Potter. - Can you not knock?

8. Depends. Have you got a minute? I want to show you something.

9. Jesus, I've just sat down.

10. - Well, what do you want to show me? - This.

11. A speed trap? Who's put that there?

12. - Me. - Are you out of your mind?

13. You said you want more members.

14. Yeah, and?

15. What do you do when you see a speed trap?

16. - I'm in a wheelchair. It's not a problem. - You slow down.

17. We get loads of cars going by the club but they go too fast to notice.

18. With this, they see the marks and hit the brakes.

19. Then they hit the pad which triggers the sign.

20. - What sign? - Young Kenny.

21. Oh, yes! Oh, yes, I like that!

22. Very good. It's not wired to t'lamppost, is it?

23. No. Now, they'll see the sign and pull into the car park.

24. All we've got to do now is wait for a car.

25. Yeah.

26. Yeah.

27. - Here's one now. - Thank God for that.

28. - I'm going away in June. - Watch this,

29. he'll see the white marks...

30. now he'll hit the pressure pad...

31. Bingo!

32. Indicate, son, indicate!

33. Jesus Christ.

34. I don't how we'll fit them all in, Ray, I really don't.

35. Oh, this is the life.

36. Oh, you know it, my friend.

37. 'Number two, your order's ready.'

38. - That's us. - Yep.

39. Oh, cover your arse up, man.

40. Max, women like a brown arse.

41. - I've never had a brown arse. - Never had any women.

42. Get some clothes on.

43. You'll never know how many women I've loved and lost.

44. - At your mam's? - I've got the Volvo.

45. 'All sports have their fashlons and this is no exceptlon.

46. 'But to be properly dressed...'

47. There you are, my darllng. That's 1.20, please.

48. - Thank you. - Thank you, sweetheart.

49. - Get some clothes on. - We're in the sarolium.

50. Ugh! Tastes like horseshit, that.

51. - And I've tasted horseshit. - You talk shit.

52. Ugh, they're stone cold, these.

53. What's going on?

54. No! No, no wonder they're cold.

55. You don't stir-fry chips.

56. No. no. no, no.

57. - No... no, no, no! - No, no, no!

58. - No. - No, no, no, no.

59. - No, no, no. - No, no!

60. Frank, it's Brian. How are you, you old bugger? How's Blackpool...?

61. Potter. Brian Potter, yeah, yeah.

62. Oh, yeah. Not three had, everything's up and running.

63. Yeah, yeah. We've been open now for... What?

64. No, I took your advice. Balls to the brewery.

65. I sent the doormen to France on a booze run.

66. They got plenty, they got two stowaways an' all. Yeah!

67. Fell off the back of a lorry.

68. I don't know where they're from, they can't speak English.

69. No, have I hell. They're in the kitchen,

70. earning their keep.

71. - Jerry St Clair? - Yes.

72. Well, you know what it is... It's not...

73. I've got Jerry running the show. Well, he thinks he is.

74. Ooh, I'm sorry, love. Oh, Jerry, what a shame.

75. - Ah! - Shut up, you girl.

76. - You should have your seat belt on. - I did have it on.

77. Just weren't expecting a speed trap. Who put it there?

78. Ray Von, trying to get more people in.

79. In where? Casualty?

80. - Have you pissed yourself? - No, it's coffee.

81. - Why didn't you stop him? - Me, stop him?

82. - You're the licensee. - Am I?

83. Am I the licensee? I am when it suits you.

84. - What do you mean by that? - You know what it means.

85. You think I don't know what's going on here but I do know.

86. You're running this place, not me. I'm just a puppet 'ere.

87. A puppeteer? Do you do kids' parties?

88. You're paranoid, you are. It's them drugs you're on.

89. No wonder your bladder's caved in,

90. - you're smacked up to your tits. - Herbal medication.

91. This has knocked me karma out of kilter.

92. I've got to rebalance me Yin and Yang.

93. - Weren't they singing pigs? - No, that's Pinky and Perky.

94. Hey, the lad's here for the bar job.

95. Whoa! Where are you going?

96. - I'm going doing the lad. - It doesn't need two of us.

97. Remember, Brian, I'm the licensee.

98. "I'm the licensee."

99. Right!

100. Come in, son. I'm Jerry St Clair, I'm the licensee.

101. - All right. - Sit down there.

102. - Spencer, isn't it? - That's right.

103. - I never forget a face. - Spencer for hire

104. and may I suggest that you remove the sign saying "situation vacant"

105. and replace it with one saying "situation full".

106. I'm your man.

107. Right. Good.

108. Tell me, have you any previous experience of bar work?

109. Oh, yes, you name it. Not only have I seen the film Cocktail six times

110. - but I also once was an innkeeper. - Really?

111. - Where was that? - In Bethlehem.

112. In St Peter and Paul's production of The Nativity.

113. Not only did I give Mary and Joseph room at the inn,

114. I also offered them en suite with full English.

115. - And a lovely view of Galilee. - Galilee. Fine.

116. That's it, that's it. Shine him up.

117. Shine him up. They don't make men like TK any more.

118. Ooh, he broke a million hearts, you know. On and off the table.

119. A million and one.

120. Jesus wept. Hey, Tiger Woods!

121. What have I told you about using me walls as a skip?

122. - Bloody junk. - Jerry likes it.

123. He will. Junkie.

124. Hey, look at this. Den Perry's taken out a full-page ad.

125. - He's what? Shithouse. - The Banana Grove.

126. "Come and lose yourself in our new Bermuda Triangle suite.

127. "Top Jewish tribute act, Rabbi Williams."

128. - He's good, him. - "Forget the rest,

129. "they're second best, the Banana Grove beats the rest."

130. He's rhymed "rest" with "rest". No class.

131. Why don't we get one of these?

132. Are you gonna pay for it?

133. Anything?

134. - Those your references? - Yeah.

135. "Dear Mr St Clair, Spencer would be great behind a bar."

136. That's from me mum, that one.

137. My old woodwork teacher, Mr Haroun,

138. he says "Spencer will definitely end up behind a bar."

139. Says "bars", this. Somebody's crossed the "s" off.

140. - Have they? - It says "bars", this.

141. You know, Chip-Chip-Hooray?

142. Oh, here they go. Come on, I'm ready for this.

143. Hey, hey! I'm here.

144. Come on. They haven't got a clue, you know.

145. That's it, boys. Have a black milkshake and a pound of piss.

146. Eh? Nothing.

147. See. Ant and Dec, there they go.

148. Whoa, whoa! Sweet child o' mine! They've cremated me chips.

149. - Mummy's dicks. - 'Tonight on Crimetime,

150. 'the brutal assault of a Birmingham pensioner.

151. 'Have you seen this man?

152. 'Police probe Leeds girl's snatch. Can you help?

153. 'And the violent armed robbery of a high street jewellers.

154. - 'Does this ring a bell?' - That's clever.

155. What?

156. It's blatant advertising, isn't it?

157. The jeweller gets robbed, he knows he'll get the insurance

158. but he gets Crimetime to film a reconstruction.

159. 'Don't move, you muppet. Keep your mouth shut!

160. 'Else I'll blow it off. Here we go!'

161. He gets loads of free publicity on national TV.

162. It hasn't cost him a penny.

163. - Go! Go! - Oi!

164. 'Join us tonight.

165. 'You know the time. It's Crimetime.'

166. - And what made you apply for this job? - The DSS.

167. And why should I give it to you?

168. Cos the DSS will pay me wages and it won't cost you a penny.

169. - Really? - Yeah.

170. When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer.

171. - Welcome aboard. - Great.

172. Hang on, that's it! Talk about wood for t'trees!

173. We'll get the crime team in, the TV boys or whoever they are.

174. - They can reconstruct us. - Reconstruct what?

175. Us. The club burning down, the night of the fire.

176. Think of the publicity. National TV.

177. They must get about 100 million viewers, easy.

178. That's better than a crappy ad.

179. - It won't cost us a penny. - That's what I said.

180. We could catch Den Perry an' all. Send him down for arson.

181. The fat pig. Two birds, one stone.

182. But why would they come here?

183. We're an unsolved crime, Poirot.

184. And Joe Public, he loves a good mystery blaze.

185. Oh, wait till I tell Jerry this, he'll love this.

186. I don't know how I think 'em up.

187. Turn it on. Point it at the sign.

188. - All right, mate. - At the sign. There y'are.

189. - What watt is it? - 2K.

190. UK? Put it right on the sign, that's what you want.

191. - Mr Potter? - Yeah?

192. I'm Chris, the director. We spoke on the phone.

193. Are you? I thought you were a girl.

194. Well, here we are. Nice to meet you, this is the Phoenix.

195. Burnt but not beaten, singed but not, erm...

196. I'll show you where we found the first body.

197. It's been all hands on dick, we've rebuilt her from nothing.

198. Whoa, whoa, who's he?

199. Tom, an actor. He'll be playing you.

200. He'll be playing me? I'll be playing me. Off you go.

201. - But I thought... - You thought wrong.

202. You thought nothing. Look at that, eh?

203. Mr Potter, have you ever worked in TV before?

204. Have I ever worked in TV before? Mr TV, pal.

205. You name it, I've done it.

206. Pimp in Band Of Gold. Queer As Folk - played one of the folk.

207. You just shout, "Cut!" and I'll do the rest.

208. OK, camera rolling and...

209. - Slate 41, take one. - And action.

210. Now?

211. We were busier than this. We were full.

212. It was Talent Trek, hottest night in clubland. We were jam-packed. Cut that.

213. Good evening.

214. Hello, Mr Potter.

215. - Cut! - What?

216. - Boom in. - Boomin'? What's boomin'?

217. - Boom in. - We were boomin'.

218. But you can't tell. There's no frigger in. I keep sayin'.

219. Where are the extras you promised?

220. - Say it again, son. - Action.

221. Bless you! They're sneezin' here, sorry. Cut.

222. Push that in, don't put your thumb over that.

223. - Can you hear me? - I'm stood at t'side of you.

224. I know, but can you hear me through this?

225. Yes, I'm here.

226. OK, quiet please.

227. OK, quiet please.

228. - Going for a take. - We are... going for a take.

229. - Who is this? - Who's this?

230. What channel are you on?

231. Tell him.

232. ITV. ITV, I think.

233. Would somebody sort them out?

234. Slate 41, take seven.

235. Thank you.

236. - Action! - Right. Good evening.

237. Hello, Mr Potter.

238. Yes. Good evening, Joyce.

239. All right, Brian. We're busy, tonight.

240. Well, we are the Phoenix Club,

241. the country's premier entertainment complex, with a sarolium...

242. Let's get Potter. Let's do Potter.

243. Go on.

244. Taxi for Potter, taxi for Potter!

245. - 'Outside. Over.' - It's them two tits, that!

246. - You should go and tell 'em! - Cut.

247. Couple o' clowns. I had that in the bag.

248. There was none of this on Bergerac.

249. That's it. Oh, it's very therapeutic.

250. They used to touch me up on Taggart. I played a drugs baron.

251. - Series four. - Understood.

252. - Can we go? - Still waiting on Mr Perry.

253. - What? What? Waiting on who? - Mr Perry.

254. - Den Perry? - Yeah.

255. Christ, don't have him here, he torched the bloody place.

256. Right, where do you want me?

257. Oh, you're joking.

258. You've got a nerve showing your face here.

259. - Damn cheek. - Glad to be of help, Brian.

260. You know me. Do you know your lines?

261. Do I know my lines? Do I...

262. Yes. Watch I don't act you off the bloody screen.

263. Ah, but what's your motivation?

264. I've got plenty of motivation, fat boy. Seeing you in jail.

265. - Biting a pillow on D Wing. - Rolling.

266. - Slate 43, take one. - Here we go!

267. And... action.

268. He did it! Him there! He burnt us down! That's the one!

269. - Him. - Can't work with this. I'll be in me trailer.

270. Trailer? He's got a trailer?

271. Huddle up, huddle up.

272. Everything's going well but... What have you got on your face?

273. - This is foundation. - Michael Jackson's?

274. We're not advertising enough. we have to be blatant.

275. Sell, sell, sell the Phoenix.

276. - This is our big chance. Right? - Right! Right!

277. Cut.

278. Cut.

279. Get it off.

280. - Get what off? - The sign, the bloody sign.

281. What are you on about?

282. Now, you're just watching the show and listening to the music.

283. - Slate 44, take one. - And... action.

284. And there you go.

285. Thank you, that is a lovely, silky-smooth pint.

286. - Here is your change, madam. - Oh, no, that's too much.

287. - Surely that's not right. - This is the Phoenix Club, madam.

288. Cut!

289. Why? That's how it happened. It's like that every night of the week.

290. Chris, where do you want me?

291. Jerry, what have you got on?

292. Have you dyed your hair or gone prematurely maroon?

293. - Leave it. - Ooh, I like that. Leather pants.

294. Go and get your dad, tell him he's on.

295. If we could have you on the stage.

296. Eh? Fantastic! Put that on your TV programme.

297. - Bye! - See you, son!

298. We'll let you know if we find your Crimetime lights.

299. - All the best, ta-ra. - Bye!

300. - Ahh, eh? - Oh, lovely.

301. - Did we expose the club enough? - Oh, aye. Great job.

302. - Well done, everybody. - We did good.

303. 'Our lines are open until midnight.'

304. - Is it on? - 'An update at 11

305. 'after An Audience With Jocky Wilson.'

306. 'And now we go back to the November of last year

307. 'to the Phoenix Club in Bolton.'

308. 'It was the Talent Trek final,

309. 'a night of fun and laughter.

310. 'But a night that was to turn to tragedy.

311. 'A mysterious blaze devastated the Phoenix Club.

312. 'The club's owner, Brian Potter, takes up the story.'

313. 'I won't forget that night.'

314. 'It was the Grand Final of Talent Trek,

315. 'the most prestigious night in clubland

316. 'that we'd held concurrently for three years.'

317. Good evening. Enjoy Talent Trek at the Phoenix Club.

318. - I'll try to. - Fatso, Fatso.

319. - 'I'd been on since 6pm.' - I'm acting!

320. 'I hadn't seen anything suspicious.'

321. Have you found anything suspicious?

322. - No. - Very good.

323. It puts pounds on you, that telly.

324. 'We were packed, but we're used to that

325. 'as the most successful club in the region,

326. 'open seven nights a week, coach parties welcome.'

327. Come on, come on!

328. Evening, Pauline. Don't go causing any bother.

329. Who's Pauline?

330. 'It were a cracking night...'

331. - They've cut me line. - That's cos you're shit.

332. 'Who'd have thought, while we were laughing and singing,

333. 'that a towering inferno was being started in the toilets?

334. 'It just reduced me dreams to ashes.'

335. Not the first film I've been in, y'know.

336. 'Burnt the face of me disabled boy.'

337. - 'Look at that.' - This is sick.

338. - Sympathy vote. - 'All right, son?'

339. 'Could you turn it off, please? Let's have a breather.'

340. - He's gonna cry there. - Look at that.

341. - 'Disturbing scenes there.' - 'Is that it?

342. 'Where's the rest of it?'

343. - The singing and danclng. - 'You've cut it all.'

344. - That can't be it. - Where's the song?

345. '.. Detective Inspector Jack Crawford and the club's owner, Mr Potter.

346. 'Detective Inspector, if I can turn to you first.

347. 'Do you have any leads at all on this terrible crime?'

348. 'We've known about Mr Potter for a quite a while now.

349. 'He's been involved in a number of clubs

350. 'that have been destroyed in suspicious circumstances...'

351. 'Whoa, whoa, roll that back.

352. 'What do you mean, suspicious circumstances?

353. 'I hope you're not accusing me. Did you hear that?

354. 'What's that about? I'll tell you who burned the club down

355. 'and you cut him out the bloody film.

356. 'Den Perry, that's who you want.'

357. 'You can't accuse somebody during an investigation.'

358. 'Well, you've done piss-all so far.

359. 'Look at this. He went for me then.'

360. Leave it. Oh, Brian.

361. - 'Two words. Biko.' - 'Calm down, calm down.'

362. - 'He's doing it again!' - 'For crying out loud.'

363. "'He fell, Your Honour." It'll be another Rodney King!

364. - 'Tell Norman Tebbitt...' - 'Let me finish!'

365. 'Please calm down and could we return to the subject...'

366. 'I've lost my licence and I've come on here

367. 'and he starts accusing me and you've cut out...

368. No, you can stick your show.

369. 'You're not treating me like one of the bloody Bee Gees.'

370. - 'No, sod ya.' - 'Mr Potter, please...'

371. 'I'll tell you something, I'll catch him meself

372. 'because you lot couldn't find your arse with both hands.

373. - 'How d'you get out of here?' - 'Mr Potter, please calm...'

374. 'Thanks to Mr Potter.

375. 'And we have rather a special Crimetime appeal of our own.

376. - 'While at the club...' - 'How d'you get out of here?'

377. '.. we lost several rather expensive film lights.

378. - 'We'd love to know about...' - 'Where's the bloody door?'

379. - 'Don't have bad dreams.' - 'You, ring me a taxi.'

380. - 'Love, ring me a taxi.' - "Phone me a taxi"!

381. Come on, Jerry, turn the Crimetime lights off an' all.

382. - Any calls on the update? - 12. Eight of them were acts.

383. Crimetime? Bloody waste of time.

384. I'm going to stop paying me licence fee.

385. - You've never paid it. - And why?

386. It's all chefs and DIY shaggin'.

387. I don't know why I bother.

388. - Yes? - Are you that bloke off Crimetime?

389. - What? - Were you on telly tonight?

390. Er... yeah. Who wants to know?

391. Is this that club that got burned down?

392. Yeah, this is the world famous Phoenix club.

393. As seen on TV.

394. I'm Brian Potter. And that's Jerry St Clair.

395. You must be thirsty after your long journey. Get the bar open.

396. Why don't you pull off into paradise, come on.

397. - Nice one. - I'll show you where the fire started.

398. Oh, aye.

399. Play that leg, sugar.

400. Go on. Oh, look at that.

401. He's playing his leg. Very brave, son.

402. Thank you.

403. Fantastic. You do anythlng else?

404. Aye, Blue Suede Shoe.