Phoenix Nights 2x2

Directed by Peter Kay

Brian is in dire need of cash for his refurbishment so he decides to hold a family fun day in the club car park. They've got fairground rides and face-painting - what could possibly go wrong?

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Who's this?

2. Yes?

3. Bonjour, Mr Potter!

4. Je m'appelle Max. Où est le pantalon?

5. - Who's this? - It's Max.

6. I'm here with Paddy, just letting you know, reporting in.

7. - Yeah? And? - You told me to ring ya.

8. Yeah, when you get to France!

9. Not at half-past six in the pissing morning!

10. Yeah. It's half-seven in France.

11. - Eh? - It's half-seven in France.

12. Why, are you there?

13. No, I'm at the club with Paddy

14. but they're an hour ahead of us in France.

15. Hello?

16. - What's he said? - He's hung up.

17. Oh, I need a piss now.

18. How much beer are you getting? Don't overload it.

19. Oui, fear not, Monsieur Alan. She is in good hands.

20. Think on because if anything happens, I'm for it.

21. I used to drive one like this.

22. She's safe with me.

23. - Vive la France. Off we go. - Auf Wiedersehen.

24. 'There's a family fun day today

25. 'at the soon-to-be re-restored Phoenix Club in Bolton.

26. 'This is the What's On Guide on Chorley FM,

27. 'where the listener comes first.'

28. Could somebody tell me why we've got a bike on the wall?

29. - It's a theme pub. - What theme?

30. Hiroshima? Old shite?

31. And is that my good typewriter up there? Get that down now!

32. Loads of pubs are doing it now, Brian.

33. We're not a pub, we're a club. Get it all down!

34. Get it on the jumble sale, we'll sell it.

35. No, we won't. I like it.

36. - I do an' all, I think it's fancy. - Yeah.

37. All those in favour of it staying, say aye.

38. Aye.

39. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I say aye!

40. No, Brian, I'm the licensee now,

41. I'm running this meeting, and I say aye.

42. Those in favour of Jerry saying aye, say aye.

43. - Aye. - Right. Good. Next.

44. Right. Item three.

45. What are we gonna call the new games room?

46. I propose The Sir Steve Redgrave Suite.

47. "Sir" Steve Redgrave?

48. Christ, they're given out to anybody these days.

49. He won five gold medals for rowing.

50. - Oh, big hook. - No, fair play.

51. You gotta be super fit, have huge upper body strength.

52. Don't talk to me about upper body strength, I wrote the book.

53. - My forearms are massive. - Too much trumpet polishing.

54. 'Ey, toilet mouth. There's a child's bike outside.

55. - Can we get on with this meeting? - You brought up Sir Steve Redgrave.

56. I think chucking knighthoods at boat people is a bit much.

57. - How hard is it to ride a boat? - I don't know. It's not easy.

58. They move around a lot, you've gotta hold on really tight.

59. You don't ride a boat, you row a boat.

60. Oh, a boat.

61. I thought you said goat.

62. Get them trucks over here.

63. Howdy. Where do you want it?

64. - What is it? - Inflatable for Brian Potter.

65. Sounds like a good swap.

66. Set it up out here.

67. Madame Zelda, fortune-teller.

68. - Mary. - That's me.

69. Leslie and Alan, you're on the lorry with me.

70. Kenny Senior, bouncy castle.

71. - How much will I charge? - 50p.

72. 50p? A pound for five minutes, more like.

73. People have got giros burning a hole in their shell suits.

74. Whatever you'd normally charge, double it. Today's about money.

75. I thought today was about raising the profile of the club.

76. Jerry, there won't be no club if we don't finish the decorating.

77. And there won't be a club until we've got something to drink.

78. You can't run a club without a brewery.

79. Balls to the brewery, we don't need it. We can do it ourselves.

80. - How? - I've told you how.

81. That bar tonight will be stacked with the finest foreign, quality beers.

82. As we sit wasting time and money,

83. Max and Paddy are on their way to France.

84. - To France? - Yes, France.

85. And if my Casio's on the ball, should be halfway there by new.

86. Come on.

87. What's that crap?

88. Necessities. Hey - and a bit of gold for the road.

89. Dink, dank, doo.

90. You're gonna go blind, Patrick.

91. What? Who? Who said that? Max?

92. Funny, aren't you?

93. Ooh, look at them, eh?

94. She could breast-feed a crèche.

95. They're not real.

96. And?

97. You wanna pace yourself, Patrick. You only get a bucket and a half.

98. Is that all?

99. That's all I got.

100. You won't have seen one like this.

101. Right, now, then. Cadillac rides, what's that?

102. Rides in a Cadillac.

103. - I know. Whose? - Mine.

104. Us struggling for money and you swanning round in a Cadillac?

105. That Cadillac's my pension.

106. Can we just get on? We've got to rehearse.

107. Don't tell me, tell Keith Moon with his drugs.

108. They're not drugs, they're herbal medication.

109. Aye. You'll be shooting up in the bogs next.

110. - Whoa. - It's pleased to see ya.

111. How about that?

112. You all want one, don't ya?

113. Look, we're struggling here. I've not got enough helpers.

114. Not got anybody to do face painting.

115. Ray Von's mate is doing it. I've sorted all this out.

116. Just relax. You're twistin' me melon, man.

117. Everyone knows what to do, everything's gonna be all right.

118. Oh, my God. Sweet Jesus of Nazareth.

119. Well? What do you think?

120. - It's not a castle. - You never said a castle.

121. - We're not having that. - I said an inflatable.

122. - It is an inflatable! - It's...

123. inflatable filth, that's what it is.

124. It's almost as big as mine, that.

125. - Where did you get it? - Festival in Amsterdam.

126. It's one of a set. I've got the other, do you want to see it?

127. - No, I do not! - We're not having that.

128. Damn right, Jerry, it's going back. Take it.

129. - But, Brian... - It's a family fun day, man.

130. - Yeah? - There's kiddies running round.

131. They can't go jumping up and down on a...

132. love length!

133. On a what?

134. Can we not disguise it?

135. Yeah, yeah, we'll put a woolly hat on it, say it's you.

136. It's not what it looks, Brian.

137. It's not how it looks? It's a 20-foot cock and balls, man!

138. It don't look like nothing else. Get me Zantac, Kenny.

139. It's not happening. What's so funny?

140. Hey, lads, he thinks this is how you have to have it.

141. No, Brian, the cock's optional.

142. All you have to do is strap it down, whap the tarpaulin over

143. and hey presto! Sammy Snake!

144. - Ahh. - Sammy Snake?

145. It's only got one eye.

146. No, it hasn't.

147. Ta-daa!

148. What about the balls?

149. Snake's eggs.

150. Kids love reptiles.

151. Brian, you'll make a fortune.

152. Stick it in the corner, then.

153. Lance.

154. Jerry, you gotta have eyes in the back of your arse.

155. - What's that? - What's what?

156. That.

157. Oh, that? That's my Big Pink Paradise!

158. It's for the kids! Come on, I'll show you.

159. Come on, Jerry, up and at 'em.

160. That's it. What do you think, eh? My Big Pink Paradise!

161. - No, no, no. - What?

162. It's a portable toilet.

163. Forget them. Was a portable toilet, Jerry, not any more.

164. Now it's a playroom for the kids. What do you think?

165. - Climbing frame there. - What's that?

166. For the kids, the little 'uns.

167. Scaffolding? Have you gone mad? Feel this.

168. - That'll take a kid's eye out. - Bit of bubble wrap, Jerry.

169. Look at that - ball pool.

170. Where've you got these from?

171. Off the roof. Yeah? Give 'em a rinse, good as new.

172. Look at these, Jerry, look at these.

173. Brian Potter and the Hurricane Dryers.

174. Whooo!

175. Blast of air as they run past,

176. they love stuff like that, little 'uns.

177. Why's everything got Potter on it?

178. Potter's all the rage, kids love Potter.

179. - Do you not go to the pictures? - No.

180. I've not forgot you, Jerry.

181. Look at that. Jerry the Berry, fruity penny chews.

182. Tell me that's not a condom machine.

183. Was. Now it does penny chews, ten pence apiece.

184. I don't know how I think 'em up.

185. I'm sorry, Brian, it's not gonna happen.

186. It's a bloody deathtrap.

187. It's not finished, Jerry!

188. I'm the licensee. They'll shut us down.

189. It's a bloody good thing, this.

190. Everything under one roof, that's the future.

191. The kids love a playroom.

192. No way, it's not gonna happen.

193. Right, fine. I'll tell the papers not to bother coming.

194. You never told me about papers.

195. Newspapers were coming down, TV were coming out, radio,

196. to watch you do the grand official opening.

197. Me? You never said anything about papers.

198. Course I didn't, Jerry, it was a surprise, a thank you

199. for dragging me out the shit, helping with the club.

200. Well, it'll be all right for today.

201. Like you said, a bit of bubble wrap.

202. Now, get into your costume.

203. - Costume? What costume? - I've told ya.

204. Jerry the Berry.

205. Hey, Max. Max!

206. Look at these! "Les Cadbury's Fingres"!

207. Cadbury's chocolate but French!

208. Yeah.

209. Whoa!

210. Go on, go around. No harm done, go round.

211. - You France? - You what?

212. - You France? - Flance?

213. France? Oh, no, we're not France, my friend.

214. No, no, we're English, my friend. English.

215. English. Rule Britannia.

216. - Oh! Rule Britannia! - That's right.

217. Beautiful language, Patrick, isn't It?

218. - What are they? - Haven't got a clue.

219. Shabba!

220. That's right, welcome, everyone, to fun day at the Phoenix!

221. What have we got for you today?

222. We've got a bouncy castle with Sammy the Snake.

223. - Let's have you all... - Take your shoes off the snake.

224. Don't look at his eggs! You're at the rebirth of the Phoenix!

225. Come and enjoy yourselves, spend a bit of money!

226. Why don't you try our fabulous mobo-karts

227. if you fancy yourself as a bit of a Michael Schumacher?

228. Why should the physically impaired have all the fun?

229. Jump on board! Break the speed limits!

230. Why don't you check out your future with Madame Zelda?

231. Maybe you don't have a future.

232. You pay your money, you take your choice.

233. Enter, my child.

234. - I wondered if... - First, you must cross my hand

235. - with gold. - Gold?

236. A pound, love.

237. - Here y'are. - Ta.

238. Now, two questions only.

239. A pound for two questions? It's a bit expensive, love, isn't it?

240. It is, love, yes.

241. And your second question?

242. The fabulous jumble sale

243. with a selection of books, sporting goods and clothing.

244. Maybe they once belonged to you. Go and check them out.

245. Shabba.

246. I now declare Brian Potter's Big Pink Paradise open!

247. Hey!

248. There you go.

249. Whoa, whoa. Two quid. Two quid a kid.

250. Two quid, two quid a child.

251. Well, what's this fun day in aid of?

252. It's the new Phoenix, love.

253. The all-new Phoenix rising from the ashes!

254. We're heading a new campaign, everything under one roof.

255. And the new licensee, Jerry St Clair, is he around?

256. He's around somewhere, love.

257. He's there! Look at that!

258. - Brian! - He loves getting involved.

259. - Get 'em off me! - Go on, Jerry!

260. - Who are you texting? - What?

261. - Who are you texting? - Potter.

262. Let him know we're coming home.

263. Whoa!

264. - Sortez de la voie! - Full of beer. Le dickhead.

265. Can't you see?

266. Had to blow one of these up with me mouth once.

267. - Did ya? - Oh, aye.

268. Keep that... snake tied up.

269. 'Ey up.

270. "On our way back with booze. Max and Paddy." Oh, aye.

271. Ooh, I tell ya, beautiful, this.

272. We've got a shitload of it, how do we get through customs?

273. Don't worry. Piece of piss.

274. I've got a plan.

275. Can't believe you did the opening without me.

276. You were busy, Jerry, playing with the children.

277. They love you, Jerry. You're like the Pied Piper.

278. - Yeah, followed by rats. - Oh, no, don't say that.

279. - They're the future, Jerry. - I look like an idiot.

280. You look like a berry, Jerry.

281. Ridicule's nothing to be scared of.

282. Will you sod off? I'm not a ride!

283. Bring back the birch. Little swines.

284. Come on, lad, have a go.

285. Ooh, unlucky.

286. Ooh.

287. - That's bollocks, that. - Gravity's a bitch.

288. - Have another go. - I want my three quid back.

289. Priests?

290. Yeah.

291. Have you never seen The Cannonball Run?

292. Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr? Worked for them.

293. - Which one am I? - Never mind which one you are,

294. just shift your porn mag.

295. Put your rosemary beads on. We'll sail through.

296. They won't suspect a couple of priests bringing in altar wine.

297. Oh, I don't know. You reckon?

298. - Everything all right, boys? - Oh, yeah.

299. - Everything's fine. - What's in the back?

300. - Just... s-s-stuff. - Stuff.

301. - Stuff. Things. - Stuff.

302. Get here!

303. Wait here!

304. Go on, Max, floor it.

305. - How do we get out of here? - Follow that sign - E-X-I-T.

306. - Excite? - Exit!

307. Indicate, indicate.

308. And we're out! We're on the way!

309. Oh, aye! Oh, yes!

310. What do you want, eh?

311. I've come to congratulate you, Potter, on your open-air club.

312. You've no right being here. Sod off!

313. And it's not an open-air club, it's a family fun day.

314. Ooh, a family fun day in November?

315. I thought you'd have had a bonfire.

316. Sorry, I forgot - you've already had one.

317. Your lad's let himself go. Is he on steroids?

318. He's a berry, Perry.

319. - He's Jerry the Berry, Perry. - Is he?

320. Looks like something Disney forgot to draw.

321. All the way, all the way.

322. Turn it!

323. - Oh, look at that! - Uh-oh.

324. Oh, my God.

325. Get it down!

326. - Get it down! - You've excelled yourself!

327. - Family fun day, eh? - Get it down!

328. Hey, keep moving. ♪ Don't it feel good?

329. Ooh, heck!

330. It's gonna blow! Get back!

331. Brian! Brian!

332. Christ. Cheers, Brian.

333. Come on, bring it on.

334. I've tried everything - Swarfega, soap and water, everything.

335. It won't come off.

336. Have you tried bleach? Battery acid's a good remover.

337. Everything, nothing, it won't come off. I've been scrubbing for ages.

338. Don't scrub too hard, you'll end up like him.

339. Face like a smacked arse. What's the matter with you, man?

340. What's the matter with me? I'll tell you -

341. me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan

342. cos somebody sold me clothes on t'jumble,

343. I've been rolled round t'car park dressed as a hernia,

344. and 12 people are in casualty with rubber burns.

345. Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?

346. Very funny.

347. Have you swept that cock up, you?

348. Most of it. One of the balls went over a garden.

349. They said we can't have it hack!

350. Very funny.

351. - Max and Paddy are here with your beer. - Ooh, good.

352. Wait till you see this. Oh-hoh!

353. Crack it open, boys, and let the good times roll!

354. Rule Britannia!

355. Rule Britanniaaaaa!

356. Bit of juggling, bit of juggling.

357. Oh, no. Oh, no.

358. What's she doing now? Whoa, whoa, whoa!

359. - She's not wearing any... - I can see, Leslie. What's she doing?

360. Oh!

361. - Oh, my word. - Next!

362. No, next! Next!

363. Next!

364. Where are they coming from? She only had four!