1. Who's this?
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2. Yes?
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3. Bonjour, Mr Potter!
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4. Je m'appelle Max. Où est le pantalon?
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5. - Who's this?
- It's Max.
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6. I'm here with Paddy,
just letting you know, reporting in.
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7. - Yeah? And?
- You told me to ring ya.
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8. Yeah, when you get to France!
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9. Not at half-past six
in the pissing morning!
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10. Yeah. It's half-seven in France.
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11. - Eh?
- It's half-seven in France.
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12. Why, are you there?
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13. No, I'm at the club with Paddy
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14. but they're an hour
ahead of us in France.
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15. Hello?
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16. - What's he said?
- He's hung up.
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17. Oh, I need a piss now.
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18. How much beer are you getting?
Don't overload it.
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19. Oui, fear not, Monsieur Alan.
She is in good hands.
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20. Think on because
if anything happens, I'm for it.
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21. I used to drive one like this.
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22. She's safe with me.
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23. - Vive la France. Off we go.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
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24. 'There's a family fun day today
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25. 'at the soon-to-be re-restored
Phoenix Club in Bolton.
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26. 'This is the What's On Guide
on Chorley FM,
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27. 'where the listener comes first.'
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28. Could somebody tell me
why we've got a bike on the wall?
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29. - It's a theme pub.
- What theme?
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30. Hiroshima? Old shite?
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31. And is that my good typewriter up there?
Get that down now!
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32. Loads of pubs are doing it now, Brian.
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33. We're not a pub, we're a club.
Get it all down!
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34. Get it on the jumble sale, we'll sell it.
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35. No, we won't. I like it.
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36. - I do an' all, I think it's fancy.
- Yeah.
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37. All those in favour
of it staying, say aye.
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38. Aye.
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39. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I say aye!
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40. No, Brian, I'm the licensee now,
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41. I'm running this meeting, and I say aye.
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42. Those in favour
of Jerry saying aye, say aye.
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43. - Aye.
- Right. Good. Next.
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44. Right. Item three.
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45. What are we gonna call
the new games room?
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46. I propose The Sir Steve Redgrave Suite.
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47. "Sir" Steve Redgrave?
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48. Christ, they're given out
to anybody these days.
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49. He won five gold medals for rowing.
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50. - Oh, big hook.
- No, fair play.
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51. You gotta be super fit,
have huge upper body strength.
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52. Don't talk to me about upper
body strength, I wrote the book.
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53. - My forearms are massive.
- Too much trumpet polishing.
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54. 'Ey, toilet mouth.
There's a child's bike outside.
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55. - Can we get on with this meeting?
- You brought up Sir Steve Redgrave.
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56. I think chucking knighthoods
at boat people is a bit much.
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57. - How hard is it to ride a boat?
- I don't know. It's not easy.
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58. They move around a lot,
you've gotta hold on really tight.
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59. You don't ride a boat, you row a boat.
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60. Oh, a boat.
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61. I thought you said goat.
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62. Get them trucks over here.
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63. Howdy. Where do you want it?
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64. - What is it?
- Inflatable for Brian Potter.
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65. Sounds like a good swap.
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66. Set it up out here.
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67. Madame Zelda, fortune-teller.
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68. - Mary.
- That's me.
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69. Leslie and Alan,
you're on the lorry with me.
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70. Kenny Senior, bouncy castle.
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71. - How much will I charge?
- 50p.
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72. 50p? A pound for five minutes, more like.
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73. People have got giros burning
a hole in their shell suits.
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74. Whatever you'd normally charge,
double it. Today's about money.
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75. I thought today was about
raising the profile of the club.
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76. Jerry, there won't be no club
if we don't finish the decorating.
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77. And there won't be a club
until we've got something to drink.
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78. You can't run a club without a brewery.
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79. Balls to the brewery, we don't need it.
We can do it ourselves.
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80. - How?
- I've told you how.
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81. That bar tonight will be stacked
with the finest foreign, quality beers.
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82. As we sit wasting time and money,
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83. Max and Paddy
are on their way to France.
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84. - To France?
- Yes, France.
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85. And if my Casio's on the ball,
should be halfway there by new.
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86. Come on.
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87. What's that crap?
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88. Necessities.
Hey - and a bit of gold for the road.
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89. Dink, dank, doo.
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90. You're gonna go blind, Patrick.
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91. What? Who? Who said that? Max?
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92. Funny, aren't you?
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93. Ooh, look at them, eh?
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94. She could breast-feed a crèche.
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95. They're not real.
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96. And?
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97. You wanna pace yourself, Patrick.
You only get a bucket and a half.
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98. Is that all?
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99. That's all I got.
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100. You won't have seen one like this.
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101. Right, now, then.
Cadillac rides, what's that?
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102. Rides in a Cadillac.
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103. - I know. Whose?
- Mine.
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104. Us struggling for money
and you swanning round in a Cadillac?
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105. That Cadillac's my pension.
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106. Can we just get on?
We've got to rehearse.
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107. Don't tell me,
tell Keith Moon with his drugs.
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108. They're not drugs,
they're herbal medication.
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109. Aye. You'll be shooting up
in the bogs next.
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110. - Whoa.
- It's pleased to see ya.
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111. How about that?
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112. You all want one, don't ya?
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113. Look, we're struggling here.
I've not got enough helpers.
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114. Not got anybody to do face painting.
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115. Ray Von's mate is doing it.
I've sorted all this out.
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116. Just relax.
You're twistin' me melon, man.
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117. Everyone knows what to do,
everything's gonna be all right.
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118. Oh, my God.
Sweet Jesus of Nazareth.
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119. Well? What do you think?
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120. - It's not a castle.
- You never said a castle.
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121. - We're not having that.
- I said an inflatable.
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122. - It is an inflatable!
- It's...
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123. inflatable filth, that's what it is.
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124. It's almost as big as mine, that.
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125. - Where did you get it?
- Festival in Amsterdam.
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126. It's one of a set. I've got the other,
do you want to see it?
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127. - No, I do not!
- We're not having that.
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128. Damn right, Jerry,
it's going back. Take it.
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129. - But, Brian...
- It's a family fun day, man.
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130. - Yeah?
- There's kiddies running round.
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131. They can't go jumping
up and down on a...
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132. love length!
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133. On a what?
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134. Can we not disguise it?
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135. Yeah, yeah, we'll put a woolly hat on it,
say it's you.
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136. It's not what it looks, Brian.
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137. It's not how it looks?
It's a 20-foot cock and balls, man!
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138. It don't look like nothing else.
Get me Zantac, Kenny.
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139. It's not happening. What's so funny?
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140. Hey, lads, he thinks
this is how you have to have it.
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141. No, Brian, the cock's optional.
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142. All you have to do is strap it down,
whap the tarpaulin over
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143. and hey presto! Sammy Snake!
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144. - Ahh.
- Sammy Snake?
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145. It's only got one eye.
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146. No, it hasn't.
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147. Ta-daa!
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148. What about the balls?
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149. Snake's eggs.
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150. Kids love reptiles.
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151. Brian, you'll make a fortune.
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152. Stick it in the corner, then.
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153. Lance.
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154. Jerry, you gotta have eyes
in the back of your arse.
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155. - What's that?
- What's what?
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156. That.
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157. Oh, that?
That's my Big Pink Paradise!
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158. It's for the kids! Come on, I'll show you.
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159. Come on, Jerry, up and at 'em.
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160. That's it. What do you think, eh?
My Big Pink Paradise!
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161. - No, no, no.
- What?
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162. It's a portable toilet.
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163. Forget them. Was a portable toilet,
Jerry, not any more.
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164. Now it's a playroom for the kids.
What do you think?
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165. - Climbing frame there.
- What's that?
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166. For the kids, the little 'uns.
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167. Scaffolding?
Have you gone mad? Feel this.
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168. - That'll take a kid's eye out.
- Bit of bubble wrap, Jerry.
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169. Look at that - ball pool.
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170. Where've you got these from?
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171. Off the roof. Yeah?
Give 'em a rinse, good as new.
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172. Look at these, Jerry, look at these.
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173. Brian Potter and the Hurricane Dryers.
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174. Whooo!
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175. Blast of air as they run past,
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176. they love stuff like that, little 'uns.
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177. Why's everything got Potter on it?
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178. Potter's all the rage, kids love Potter.
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179. - Do you not go to the pictures?
- No.
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180. I've not forgot you, Jerry.
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181. Look at that. Jerry the Berry,
fruity penny chews.
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182. Tell me that's not a condom machine.
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183. Was. Now it does penny chews,
ten pence apiece.
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184. I don't know how I think 'em up.
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185. I'm sorry, Brian, it's not gonna happen.
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186. It's a bloody deathtrap.
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187. It's not finished, Jerry!
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188. I'm the licensee.
They'll shut us down.
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189. It's a bloody good thing, this.
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190. Everything under one roof,
that's the future.
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191. The kids love a playroom.
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192. No way, it's not gonna happen.
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193. Right, fine. I'll tell the papers
not to bother coming.
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194. You never told me about papers.
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195. Newspapers were coming down,
TV were coming out, radio,
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196. to watch you
do the grand official opening.
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197. Me? You never said anything
about papers.
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198. Course I didn't, Jerry,
it was a surprise, a thank you
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199. for dragging me out the shit,
helping with the club.
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200. Well, it'll be all right for today.
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201. Like you said, a bit of bubble wrap.
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202. Now, get into your costume.
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203. - Costume? What costume?
- I've told ya.
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204. Jerry the Berry.
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205. Hey, Max. Max!
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206. Look at these!
"Les Cadbury's Fingres"!
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207. Cadbury's chocolate but French!
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208. Yeah.
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209. Whoa!
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210. Go on, go around.
No harm done, go round.
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211. - You France?
- You what?
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212. - You France?
- Flance?
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213. France? Oh, no,
we're not France, my friend.
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214. No, no, we're English,
my friend. English.
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215. English. Rule Britannia.
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216. - Oh! Rule Britannia!
- That's right.
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217. Beautiful language, Patrick, isn't It?
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218. - What are they?
- Haven't got a clue.
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219. Shabba!
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220. That's right, welcome, everyone,
to fun day at the Phoenix!
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221. What have we got for you today?
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222. We've got a bouncy castle
with Sammy the Snake.
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223. - Let's have you all...
- Take your shoes off the snake.
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224. Don't look at his eggs!
You're at the rebirth of the Phoenix!
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225. Come and enjoy yourselves,
spend a bit of money!
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226. Why don't you try
our fabulous mobo-karts
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227. if you fancy yourself
as a bit of a Michael Schumacher?
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228. Why should the physically
impaired have all the fun?
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229. Jump on board! Break the speed limits!
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230. Why don't you check out
your future with Madame Zelda?
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231. Maybe you don't have a future.
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232. You pay your money,
you take your choice.
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233. Enter, my child.
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234. - I wondered if...
- First, you must cross my hand
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235. - with gold.
- Gold?
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236. A pound, love.
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237. - Here y'are.
- Ta.
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238. Now, two questions only.
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239. A pound for two questions?
It's a bit expensive, love, isn't it?
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240. It is, love, yes.
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241. And your second question?
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242. The fabulous jumble sale
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243. with a selection of books,
sporting goods and clothing.
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244. Maybe they once belonged to you.
Go and check them out.
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245. Shabba.
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246. I now declare
Brian Potter's Big Pink Paradise open!
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247. Hey!
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248. There you go.
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249. Whoa, whoa. Two quid.
Two quid a kid.
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250. Two quid, two quid a child.
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251. Well, what's this fun day in aid of?
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252. It's the new Phoenix, love.
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253. The all-new Phoenix
rising from the ashes!
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254. We're heading a new campaign,
everything under one roof.
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255. And the new licensee,
Jerry St Clair, is he around?
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256. He's around somewhere, love.
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257. He's there! Look at that!
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258. - Brian!
- He loves getting involved.
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259. - Get 'em off me!
- Go on, Jerry!
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260. - Who are you texting?
- What?
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261. - Who are you texting?
- Potter.
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262. Let him know we're coming home.
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263. Whoa!
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264. - Sortez de la voie!
- Full of beer. Le dickhead.
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265. Can't you see?
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266. Had to blow one of these up
with me mouth once.
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267. - Did ya?
- Oh, aye.
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268. Keep that... snake tied up.
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269. 'Ey up.
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270. "On our way back with booze.
Max and Paddy." Oh, aye.
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271. Ooh, I tell ya, beautiful, this.
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272. We've got a shitload of it,
how do we get through customs?
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273. Don't worry. Piece of piss.
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274. I've got a plan.
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275. Can't believe you did
the opening without me.
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276. You were busy, Jerry,
playing with the children.
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277. They love you, Jerry.
You're like the Pied Piper.
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278. - Yeah, followed by rats.
- Oh, no, don't say that.
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279. - They're the future, Jerry.
- I look like an idiot.
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280. You look like a berry, Jerry.
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281. Ridicule's nothing to be scared of.
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282. Will you sod off? I'm not a ride!
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283. Bring back the birch. Little swines.
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284. Come on, lad, have a go.
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285. Ooh, unlucky.
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286. Ooh.
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287. - That's bollocks, that.
- Gravity's a bitch.
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288. - Have another go.
- I want my three quid back.
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289. Priests?
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290. Yeah.
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291. Have you never seen
The Cannonball Run?
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292. Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr?
Worked for them.
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293. - Which one am I?
- Never mind which one you are,
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294. just shift your porn mag.
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295. Put your rosemary beads on.
We'll sail through.
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296. They won't suspect a couple of
priests bringing in altar wine.
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297. Oh, I don't know. You reckon?
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298. - Everything all right, boys?
- Oh, yeah.
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299. - Everything's fine.
- What's in the back?
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300. - Just... s-s-stuff.
- Stuff.
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301. - Stuff. Things.
- Stuff.
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302. Get here!
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303. Wait here!
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304. Go on, Max, floor it.
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305. - How do we get out of here?
- Follow that sign - E-X-I-T.
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306. - Excite?
- Exit!
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307. Indicate, indicate.
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308. And we're out! We're on the way!
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309. Oh, aye! Oh, yes!
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310. What do you want, eh?
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311. I've come to congratulate you,
Potter, on your open-air club.
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312. You've no right being here. Sod off!
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313. And it's not an open-air club,
it's a family fun day.
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314. Ooh, a family fun day in November?
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315. I thought you'd have had a bonfire.
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316. Sorry, I forgot - you've already had one.
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317. Your lad's let himself go.
Is he on steroids?
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318. He's a berry, Perry.
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319. - He's Jerry the Berry, Perry.
- Is he?
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320. Looks like something
Disney forgot to draw.
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321. All the way, all the way.
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322. Turn it!
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323. - Oh, look at that!
- Uh-oh.
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324. Oh, my God.
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325. Get it down!
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326. - Get it down!
- You've excelled yourself!
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327. - Family fun day, eh?
- Get it down!
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328. Hey, keep moving.
♪ Don't it feel good?
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329. Ooh, heck!
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330. It's gonna blow! Get back!
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331. Brian! Brian!
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332. Christ. Cheers, Brian.
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333. Come on, bring it on.
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334. I've tried everything -
Swarfega, soap and water, everything.
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335. It won't come off.
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336. Have you tried bleach?
Battery acid's a good remover.
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337. Everything, nothing, it won't come off.
I've been scrubbing for ages.
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338. Don't scrub too hard,
you'll end up like him.
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339. Face like a smacked arse.
What's the matter with you, man?
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340. What's the matter with me? I'll tell you -
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341. me first week as licensee,
I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan
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342. cos somebody
sold me clothes on t'jumble,
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343. I've been rolled round t'car park
dressed as a hernia,
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344. and 12 people are in casualty
with rubber burns.
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345. Rubber Burns?
Weren't he a Scottish poet?
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346. Very funny.
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347. Have you swept that cock up, you?
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348. Most of it. One of the balls
went over a garden.
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349. They said we can't have it hack!
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350. Very funny.
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351. - Max and Paddy are here with your beer.
- Ooh, good.
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352. Wait till you see this. Oh-hoh!
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353. Crack it open, boys,
and let the good times roll!
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354. Rule Britannia!
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355. Rule Britanniaaaaa!
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356. Bit of juggling, bit of juggling.
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357. Oh, no. Oh, no.
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358. What's she doing now?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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359. - She's not wearing any...
- I can see, Leslie. What's she doing?
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360. Oh!
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361. - Oh, my word.
- Next!
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362. No, next! Next!
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363. Next!
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364. Where are they coming from?
She only had four!
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