1. - Oh-ho, Corfu for Christmas!
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2. Hey? That's what we want!
Fantastic, that!
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3. Must be thirsty work -
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4. the bar's open next door
if you want a drink.
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5. Be my guest.
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6. Bloody hell,
where's me fruit machine gone?
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7. 'Then you spray
on the affected area.'
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8. 'Right. Wow!'
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9. I was enjoying that.
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10. You'll enjoy this even more.
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11. I have a special
announcement to make.
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12. After hours
of tremendous pressure and...
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13. - Are you listening, Tony?
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14. and ruthless negotiation
I am proud to announce...
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15. we got Talent Trek!
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16. - The grand final!
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17. Hallelujah, praise the Lord!
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18. - Praise Brian Potter. I got it.
- When is it?
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19. - Thursday.
- This Thursday?
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20. - Correct.
- That's two days away.
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21. I know. We have got to grab the cow
by the horns and pull together.
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22. I want everything shit-shaped
and Bristol fashion
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23. and spread the word
because the Phoenix is rising.
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24. - Hello?
- Les, it's Brian.
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25. - 'Hello Brian.'
- You all right?
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26. Listen, I've got some great news.
We've got Talent Trek!
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27. - You're joking! When?
- just now.
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28. - No, when is it?
- This Thursday.
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29. We can't, we've got the big show.
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30. - What big show?
- Karate Kid: The Musical.
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31. Screw the Karate Kid,
I need my backing band.
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32. We can't let 'em down,
it'll break their hearts.
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33. 'Can we not do it next week?'
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34. Yeah, you're right, probably.
I'll give 'em a ring.
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35. Can they balls!
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36. Shift the grand final so you can
frig about in a church hall?
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37. Brian, we just can't do it, mate.
I'm sorry.
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38. Sorry, Lesley? This is the...
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39. Right, then.
Well, now I know where I stand.
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40. I think I'll go and give
Right Said Frank a ring.
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41. - 'You can't do that.'
- Why?
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42. They'll be busy.
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43. Busy? A Right Said Fred tribute band?
How will they be busy?
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44. If they're any good
they can have the job.
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45. - What job?
- Yours and Alan's - you're sacked!
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46. Shithead.
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47. - Clamp it up.
- Yeah, I'm pulling it through.
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48. - Good morning, Patrick.
- Oh, aye.
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49. - Wet enough for you?
- It's never wet enough for me.
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50. - What you doin'?
- (Max) We're fitting an alarm.
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51. - We?
- Shut it. Yes, we.
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52. You all right?
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53. Hey, what's in your box?
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54. - Cocaine?
- Top secret.
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55. Hey, lads! Spread the word,
the Phoenix is rising!
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56. What is it? Present for
your girlfriend? For Mary?
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57. No, in fact I'm thinking of
letting things cool down a bit.
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58. Wi' Mary? Why?
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59. She's getting too keen.
Paddy likes to play the field.
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60. Have a kick about,
put a few in the net.
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61. Two words, Paddy: own goal.
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62. You've got a cracker with Mary,
don't blow it, son.
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63. - Do you hear me?
- Yes!
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64. Yes!
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65. What's everybody on today?
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66. - Eh?
- Hey? Come on!
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67. - Come here, come here.
- What?
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68. Oh, get off me, you girl!
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69. - 'Ey?
- You've heard, then?
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70. Oh, I've heard! 'Ey?
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71. - And?
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
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72. Spasms. Just got spasms!
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73. - What?
- I'm A1. I got the all clear.
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74. Fit as a fiddle.
Look, look at that, Brian.
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75. You're all clear?
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76. - Yeah.
- Who've you told?
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77. Shut the door. Who've you told?
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78. I've not told anybody.
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79. Oh, isn't life wonderful?
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80. Breathe it in, Brian.
Breathe with me.
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81. Take a deep breath of life,
it's... it's like being born again.
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82. - A new life.
- You, you, you.
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83. - What?
- I've something to tell you.
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84. - We've got Talent Trek.
- We've not?
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85. - The grand final.
- What a day!
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86. How did you get that?
I bet Den Perry weren't happy.
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87. - Cryin' in his beer.
- Oh, when?
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88. - Thursday.
- This Thursday?
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89. Have you told Les and Alan?
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90. Shut up!
I've got to tell you something.
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91. Just sit down.
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92. I'm all clear, me. I'm all clear.
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93. Yeah, I know. Shut up, listen.
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94. Now, I want you to know...
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95. it's not... it's not easy for me
to tell you this, Jerry.
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96. I was under tremendous
pressure at the time.
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97. What? What is it?
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98. You're dying.
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99. - I'm... What?
- You're dying.
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100. No, I've got the all clear.
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101. I know, but I told the committee that
to get Talent Trek.
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102. So you told them I were dying?
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103. I were desperate.
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104. I said I didn't think
you'd see Christmas.
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105. That swung it - they loved it.
Said it could be your swan song.
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106. How could you say that?
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107. It just came out, I don't know...
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108. But we've got Talent Trek!
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109. The grand final
from Den Perry, Jerry!
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110. This is the one,
the light at the end of our tunnel.
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111. But I'm all clear.
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112. Trust you to bloody ruin everything.
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113. Everyone thinks you're dying.
We had a collection for you.
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114. But I'm all clear.
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115. I know... You're all clear
but we're not, are we?
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116. We're in the red!
Up to here with bills!
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117. We're going tits up!
We're in a Catch-21 situation.
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118. - Only you can get us out.
- Me? How?
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119. - Pretend you're dyin'.
- But I'm all clear!
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120. I know you are,
you keep tellin' the world.
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121. Shut up. You know and I know
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122. but no one else
needs to know, do they?
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123. Not till after Talent Trek.
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124. The difference between the Invader
2000 and other security systems
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125. is you've got the facility
to personalise your alarm.
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126. She's ready. Wanna give her a go?
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127. - This it?
- Aye.
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128. Arming the Invader.
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129. - Activate. Activate...
- Just flick the switch.
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130. - What?
- Flick the switch.
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131. Flicking the switch.
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132. - See them? Lighting up there.
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133. See, it is now alarmed and
any exterior force will trigger it.
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134. - It's new, it'll need tweakin'.
- Maybe if...
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135. That's me! That's my voice!
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136. Now, that is shit-hot!
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137. And at a price you can afford.
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138. 'I'll break your legs!'
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139. - 'Get back, you bastard!'
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140. - Pretend you're dyin'.
- I can't. I can't do it.
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141. If not for me, do it for the club.
Do it for the Phoenix.
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142. I've been offered a cruise.
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143. Oh.
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144. Ohh. I wondered why Duggy Hayes
was sniffin' around.
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145. Yeah? When's it sail?
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146. Next month.
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147. All the more reason to do it
if you're going away anyway.
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148. - What have you got to lose?
- You're not bothered, are you?
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149. Oh! Ohh, I'm bothered.
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150. I'm bothered, but I'm more
bothered about this club.
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151. We deserve this.
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152. We deserve the...
pot at the end of the rainbow.
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153. Do it, Jerry.
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154. Do this one thing. Be the hero.
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155. Go out in style.
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156. This is what we want, Jerry.
Packed house, grand final, eh?
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157. How many keyboards does he need?
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158. Talent Trek this, not Live Aid.
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159. Shut up, you girl.
I've got something for you.
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160. - I want you to wear this.
- Why?
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161. Because it makes you look ill.
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162. - I can't, Brian, honest.
- You can. Go on!
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163. Live the dream.
Don't forget you're dying.
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164. Look what the cat spat out.
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165. Den Perry. You come
to see how it's done, Den?
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166. Never miss Talent Trek, Brian,
you know that.
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167. You missed it this year.
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168. Must've come as
a bit of a shock, Dennis.
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169. I'll not lie,
I was gutted when I heard.
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170. It's the golden goose,
we all know that.
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171. Oh, this is just the beginning,
this, Dennis.
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172. You better get used to it.
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173. You've not lost the Potter touch,
I'll give you that.
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174. I know when I've been beat.
There's no hard feelings.
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175. That's my word. And you can
put my word in the bank.
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176. Let's get tonight's
Talent Trek grand final underway.
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177. - Long live the Phoenix.
- Long live the Phoenix.
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178. - Bastard.
- Bastard.
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179. Will you welcome onstage,
act number one -
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180. it's Michelle... Coffee!
Come on!
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181. ♪ You can reach me by trailway
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182. I told him they'd be like this.
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183. My name is Mr Miyagi.
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184. From Okinawa.
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185. This is the story of Daniel-san.
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186. A young street punk
from New Joisey
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187. who came to Carifornia
with a suitcase full of dreams
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188. and left...
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189. - ..a Karate Kid.
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190. Can you
turn that off, please, love?
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191. Just, er, nipping for a fag, Jerry.
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192. Good.
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193. Here we go. In for a penny...
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194. - Come on!
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195. Cheers.
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196. The Singing Builders!
Well done, lads. Great stuff.
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197. The Singing Builders there.
Fantastic, eh? Fantastic.
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198. - Paddy?
- Yeah?
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199. - Paddy, you in there?
- Yeah! Whoa, hang on.
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200. Wait... Right, come in.
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201. Why've you been avoiding me?
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202. What've you done to your hair?
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203. - Why? What?
- It looks all big.
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204. Me hair, it grows really quick,
it always has done.
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205. D'you like it?
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206. What will you do, Daddy?
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207. Who am I, Daddy?
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208. David Hunter and Noogoo!
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209. Now, ladies and gentlemen
be prepared to be amazed
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210. by Miss Bonny la Muff!
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211. Shit.
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212. I knew this was gonna happen.
What are we gonna do?
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213. Kenny,
you phone the police.
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214. - We'll tackle them.
- We? We won't.
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215. I'm ill, remember?
Let the police sort this lot out.
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216. I'll go and tell Potter.
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217. Right.
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218. What you up to, boys?
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219. You made me jump then.
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220. Get inside, you've seen nothing.
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221. I've seen enough.
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222. 'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'
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223. 'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'
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224. 'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'
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225. What's up? Hm?
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226. It's just that... you never seem
to have the time to...
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227. Shh!
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228. '..you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'
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229. - All right, Ray? Need some help?
- I wouldn't mind!
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230. - What'll you do on your own?
- He's not on his own.
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231. 'I'll break your legs!'
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232. - What have you done to your hair?
- Nothing.
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233. - Are you wearin' a wig?
- No.
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234. - Is that a wig?
- Shut up about me hair!
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235. Sweet Baby James!
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236. - Call the police!
- I've called 'em!
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237. - What are those?
- Car stereos.
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238. Tell him to get off me, Potter!
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239. I knew you'd be like this!
Who's that? The Fonz?
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240. I've called an interval
but they're getting restless.
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241. What we gonna do?
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242. - Shut up, you girl!
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243. We're gonna have to beg, Jerry.
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244. Sweep the legs. No mercy. Finish him.
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245. Ah, ah, ah, ah, Daniel-san.
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246. Always eye.
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247. - What?
- Hello, Lesley? It's Brian.
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248. - 'You busy?'
- What do you want?
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249. - Fancy your old jobs back?
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250. Tonight.
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251. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back, at very short notice,
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252. the best backing band in clubland -
it's Les Alanos!
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253. Your very own!
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254. There can only be one winner but...
getting to the final, they're all...
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255. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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256. - I have the result!
- It's Brian Potter!
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257. Give him a round of applause!
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258. Ladies and gentlemen,
I have the results
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259. but these are not
the results of Talent Trek.
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260. I don't know if you've noticed
but I'm disabled.
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261. Ladies and gentlemen,
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262. I can't stand up on this stage
like this brave man,
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263. singing and dancing
for your entertainment.
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264. Those of you who know
Jerry "The Saint" St Clair
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265. know he's not been a well man.
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266. Yes, it's been touch and go,
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267. and he's had some tests,
ladies and gentlemen,
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268. and these are the results
of those tests, Jerry!
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269. - These are the results!
- I can't believe this.
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270. - Drum roll, please, Lesley.
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271. - Gold envelope.
- Must be BUPA.
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272. - Thanks.
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273. It's an all clear, ladies and
gentlemen! Jerry's all clear!
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274. An all clear! Hit it, boys!
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275. Come together!
♪ It's up to you Jerry's better!
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276. Clap along!
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277. Come on, Jerry! Live the dream!
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278. Hey, hey, hey! Thank you.
Long live the Phoenix!
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279. It's a crackin' little club,
ain't it?
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280. Oh, yeah. A crackin' little club.
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281. Long live the Phoenix.
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282. - Can't believe you did that.
- Did what?
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283. - You know.
- They loved you. They loved you.
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284. They'll kill me if they find out.
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285. They'll not find out.
Don't trust me, do you?
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286. No.
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287. You'll be off on your cruise soon.
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288. I better start looking
for a new compere.
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289. We'll miss you, Jerry.
You know that, don't you?
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290. - Will you miss us?
- No.
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291. - What?
- I'm not goin'.
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292. - You're not goin'?
- I changed me mind.
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293. Well, can you see me on a cruise?
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294. I get seasick.
I threw up on a pedalo once.
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295. Besides,
I'd miss this place too much.
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296. Aye, you know it, Jerry.
This is where you belong!
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297. This is it. Me and you -
and this is just the start, this.
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298. Aye. It's not much
but it's our Caesar's Palace.
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299. Correct.
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300. Who won Talent Trek?
Ventriloquist.
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301. He didn't?
He was movin' his lips!
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302. I booked him.
Oh, Jesus.
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303. Jerry, this is
supposed to be a new beginnin'!
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304. A fresh start.
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305. How much we payin' the monkey?
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