Phoenix Nights 1x6

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Things are finally looking up for Brian Potter in this final episode when the Talent Trek grand final comes to the Phoenix Club. But at what cost to Jerry St Claire?

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Oh-ho, Corfu for Christmas!

2. Hey? That's what we want! Fantastic, that!

3. Must be thirsty work -

4. the bar's open next door if you want a drink.

5. Be my guest.

6. Bloody hell, where's me fruit machine gone?

7. 'Then you spray on the affected area.'

8. 'Right. Wow!'

9. I was enjoying that.

10. You'll enjoy this even more.

11. I have a special announcement to make.

12. After hours of tremendous pressure and...

13. - Are you listening, Tony?

14. and ruthless negotiation I am proud to announce...

15. we got Talent Trek!

16. - The grand final!

17. Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

18. - Praise Brian Potter. I got it. - When is it?

19. - Thursday. - This Thursday?

20. - Correct. - That's two days away.

21. I know. We have got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.

22. I want everything shit-shaped and Bristol fashion

23. and spread the word because the Phoenix is rising.

24. - Hello? - Les, it's Brian.

25. - 'Hello Brian.' - You all right?

26. Listen, I've got some great news. We've got Talent Trek!

27. - You're joking! When? - just now.

28. - No, when is it? - This Thursday.

29. We can't, we've got the big show.

30. - What big show? - Karate Kid: The Musical.

31. Screw the Karate Kid, I need my backing band.

32. We can't let 'em down, it'll break their hearts.

33. 'Can we not do it next week?'

34. Yeah, you're right, probably. I'll give 'em a ring.

35. Can they balls!

36. Shift the grand final so you can frig about in a church hall?

37. Brian, we just can't do it, mate. I'm sorry.

38. Sorry, Lesley? This is the...

39. Right, then. Well, now I know where I stand.

40. I think I'll go and give Right Said Frank a ring.

41. - 'You can't do that.' - Why?

42. They'll be busy.

43. Busy? A Right Said Fred tribute band? How will they be busy?

44. If they're any good they can have the job.

45. - What job? - Yours and Alan's - you're sacked!

46. Shithead.

47. - Clamp it up. - Yeah, I'm pulling it through.

48. - Good morning, Patrick. - Oh, aye.

49. - Wet enough for you? - It's never wet enough for me.

50. - What you doin'? - (Max) We're fitting an alarm.

51. - We? - Shut it. Yes, we.

52. You all right?

53. Hey, what's in your box?

54. - Cocaine? - Top secret.

55. Hey, lads! Spread the word, the Phoenix is rising!

56. What is it? Present for your girlfriend? For Mary?

57. No, in fact I'm thinking of letting things cool down a bit.

58. Wi' Mary? Why?

59. She's getting too keen. Paddy likes to play the field.

60. Have a kick about, put a few in the net.

61. Two words, Paddy: own goal.

62. You've got a cracker with Mary, don't blow it, son.

63. - Do you hear me? - Yes!

64. Yes!

65. What's everybody on today?

66. - Eh? - Hey? Come on!

67. - Come here, come here. - What?

68. Oh, get off me, you girl!

69. - 'Ey? - You've heard, then?

70. Oh, I've heard! 'Ey?

71. - And? - Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

72. Spasms. Just got spasms!

73. - What? - I'm A1. I got the all clear.

74. Fit as a fiddle. Look, look at that, Brian.

75. You're all clear?

76. - Yeah. - Who've you told?

77. Shut the door. Who've you told?

78. I've not told anybody.

79. Oh, isn't life wonderful?

80. Breathe it in, Brian. Breathe with me.

81. Take a deep breath of life, it's... it's like being born again.

82. - A new life. - You, you, you.

83. - What? - I've something to tell you.

84. - We've got Talent Trek. - We've not?

85. - The grand final. - What a day!

86. How did you get that? I bet Den Perry weren't happy.

87. - Cryin' in his beer. - Oh, when?

88. - Thursday. - This Thursday?

89. Have you told Les and Alan?

90. Shut up! I've got to tell you something.

91. Just sit down.

92. I'm all clear, me. I'm all clear.

93. Yeah, I know. Shut up, listen.

94. Now, I want you to know...

95. it's not... it's not easy for me to tell you this, Jerry.

96. I was under tremendous pressure at the time.

97. What? What is it?

98. You're dying.

99. - I'm... What? - You're dying.

100. No, I've got the all clear.

101. I know, but I told the committee that to get Talent Trek.

102. So you told them I were dying?

103. I were desperate.

104. I said I didn't think you'd see Christmas.

105. That swung it - they loved it. Said it could be your swan song.

106. How could you say that?

107. It just came out, I don't know...

108. But we've got Talent Trek!

109. The grand final from Den Perry, Jerry!

110. This is the one, the light at the end of our tunnel.

111. But I'm all clear.

112. Trust you to bloody ruin everything.

113. Everyone thinks you're dying. We had a collection for you.

114. But I'm all clear.

115. I know... You're all clear but we're not, are we?

116. We're in the red! Up to here with bills!

117. We're going tits up! We're in a Catch-21 situation.

118. - Only you can get us out. - Me? How?

119. - Pretend you're dyin'. - But I'm all clear!

120. I know you are, you keep tellin' the world.

121. Shut up. You know and I know

122. but no one else needs to know, do they?

123. Not till after Talent Trek.

124. The difference between the Invader 2000 and other security systems

125. is you've got the facility to personalise your alarm.

126. She's ready. Wanna give her a go?

127. - This it? - Aye.

128. Arming the Invader.

129. - Activate. Activate... - Just flick the switch.

130. - What? - Flick the switch.

131. Flicking the switch.

132. - See them? Lighting up there.

133. See, it is now alarmed and any exterior force will trigger it.

134. - It's new, it'll need tweakin'. - Maybe if...

135. That's me! That's my voice!

136. Now, that is shit-hot!

137. And at a price you can afford.

138. 'I'll break your legs!'

139. - 'Get back, you bastard!'

140. - Pretend you're dyin'. - I can't. I can't do it.

141. If not for me, do it for the club. Do it for the Phoenix.

142. I've been offered a cruise.

143. Oh.

144. Ohh. I wondered why Duggy Hayes was sniffin' around.

145. Yeah? When's it sail?

146. Next month.

147. All the more reason to do it if you're going away anyway.

148. - What have you got to lose? - You're not bothered, are you?

149. Oh! Ohh, I'm bothered.

150. I'm bothered, but I'm more bothered about this club.

151. We deserve this.

152. We deserve the... pot at the end of the rainbow.

153. Do it, Jerry.

154. Do this one thing. Be the hero.

155. Go out in style.

156. This is what we want, Jerry. Packed house, grand final, eh?

157. How many keyboards does he need?

158. Talent Trek this, not Live Aid.

159. Shut up, you girl. I've got something for you.

160. - I want you to wear this. - Why?

161. Because it makes you look ill.

162. - I can't, Brian, honest. - You can. Go on!

163. Live the dream. Don't forget you're dying.

164. Look what the cat spat out.

165. Den Perry. You come to see how it's done, Den?

166. Never miss Talent Trek, Brian, you know that.

167. You missed it this year.

168. Must've come as a bit of a shock, Dennis.

169. I'll not lie, I was gutted when I heard.

170. It's the golden goose, we all know that.

171. Oh, this is just the beginning, this, Dennis.

172. You better get used to it.

173. You've not lost the Potter touch, I'll give you that.

174. I know when I've been beat. There's no hard feelings.

175. That's my word. And you can put my word in the bank.

176. Let's get tonight's Talent Trek grand final underway.

177. - Long live the Phoenix. - Long live the Phoenix.

178. - Bastard. - Bastard.

179. Will you welcome onstage, act number one -

180. it's Michelle... Coffee! Come on!

181. ♪ You can reach me by trailway

182. I told him they'd be like this.

183. My name is Mr Miyagi.

184. From Okinawa.

185. This is the story of Daniel-san.

186. A young street punk from New Joisey

187. who came to Carifornia with a suitcase full of dreams

188. and left...

189. - ..a Karate Kid.

190. Can you turn that off, please, love?

191. Just, er, nipping for a fag, Jerry.

192. Good.

193. Here we go. In for a penny...

194. - Come on!

195. Cheers.

196. The Singing Builders! Well done, lads. Great stuff.

197. The Singing Builders there. Fantastic, eh? Fantastic.

198. - Paddy? - Yeah?

199. - Paddy, you in there? - Yeah! Whoa, hang on.

200. Wait... Right, come in.

201. Why've you been avoiding me?

202. What've you done to your hair?

203. - Why? What? - It looks all big.

204. Me hair, it grows really quick, it always has done.

205. D'you like it?

206. What will you do, Daddy?

207. Who am I, Daddy?

208. David Hunter and Noogoo!

209. Now, ladies and gentlemen be prepared to be amazed

210. by Miss Bonny la Muff!

211. Shit.

212. I knew this was gonna happen. What are we gonna do?

213. Kenny, you phone the police.

214. - We'll tackle them. - We? We won't.

215. I'm ill, remember? Let the police sort this lot out.

216. I'll go and tell Potter.

217. Right.

218. What you up to, boys?

219. You made me jump then.

220. Get inside, you've seen nothing.

221. I've seen enough.

222. 'Get back, you bastard! I'll break your legs!'

223. 'Get back, you bastard! I'll break your legs!'

224. 'Get back, you bastard! I'll break your legs!'

225. What's up? Hm?

226. It's just that... you never seem to have the time to...

227. Shh!

228. '..you bastard! I'll break your legs!'

229. - All right, Ray? Need some help? - I wouldn't mind!

230. - What'll you do on your own? - He's not on his own.

231. 'I'll break your legs!'

232. - What have you done to your hair? - Nothing.

233. - Are you wearin' a wig? - No.

234. - Is that a wig? - Shut up about me hair!

235. Sweet Baby James!

236. - Call the police! - I've called 'em!

237. - What are those? - Car stereos.

238. Tell him to get off me, Potter!

239. I knew you'd be like this! Who's that? The Fonz?

240. I've called an interval but they're getting restless.

241. What we gonna do?

242. - Shut up, you girl!

243. We're gonna have to beg, Jerry.

244. Sweep the legs. No mercy. Finish him.

245. Ah, ah, ah, ah, Daniel-san.

246. Always eye.

247. - What? - Hello, Lesley? It's Brian.

248. - 'You busy?' - What do you want?

249. - Fancy your old jobs back?

250. Tonight.

251. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, at very short notice,

252. the best backing band in clubland - it's Les Alanos!

253. Your very own!

254. There can only be one winner but... getting to the final, they're all...

255. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

256. - I have the result! - It's Brian Potter!

257. Give him a round of applause!

258. Ladies and gentlemen, I have the results

259. but these are not the results of Talent Trek.

260. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm disabled.

261. Ladies and gentlemen,

262. I can't stand up on this stage like this brave man,

263. singing and dancing for your entertainment.

264. Those of you who know Jerry "The Saint" St Clair

265. know he's not been a well man.

266. Yes, it's been touch and go,

267. and he's had some tests, ladies and gentlemen,

268. and these are the results of those tests, Jerry!

269. - These are the results! - I can't believe this.

270. - Drum roll, please, Lesley.

271. - Gold envelope. - Must be BUPA.

272. - Thanks.

273. It's an all clear, ladies and gentlemen! Jerry's all clear!

274. An all clear! Hit it, boys!

275. Come together! ♪ It's up to you Jerry's better!

276. Clap along!

277. Come on, Jerry! Live the dream!

278. Hey, hey, hey! Thank you. Long live the Phoenix!

279. It's a crackin' little club, ain't it?

280. Oh, yeah. A crackin' little club.

281. Long live the Phoenix.

282. - Can't believe you did that. - Did what?

283. - You know. - They loved you. They loved you.

284. They'll kill me if they find out.

285. They'll not find out. Don't trust me, do you?

286. No.

287. You'll be off on your cruise soon.

288. I better start looking for a new compere.

289. We'll miss you, Jerry. You know that, don't you?

290. - Will you miss us? - No.

291. - What? - I'm not goin'.

292. - You're not goin'? - I changed me mind.

293. Well, can you see me on a cruise?

294. I get seasick. I threw up on a pedalo once.

295. Besides, I'd miss this place too much.

296. Aye, you know it, Jerry. This is where you belong!

297. This is it. Me and you - and this is just the start, this.

298. Aye. It's not much but it's our Caesar's Palace.

299. Correct.

300. Who won Talent Trek? Ventriloquist.

301. He didn't? He was movin' his lips!

302. I booked him. Oh, Jesus.

303. Jerry, this is supposed to be a new beginnin'!

304. A fresh start.

305. How much we payin' the monkey?