Phoenix Nights 1x4

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It's Single's Night at the Phoenix! Brian runs over a lady's foot with his wheelchair which leads to sparks flying between the two.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - What? - 'Could I speak to Mr Potter?'

2. Speakin'!

3. 'Mr Potter from the Phoenix Club?'

4. Yeah, who's this? It's half-three in the pissing morning!

5. - 'It's... Mixu Paatelainen.' - Who?

6. 'Bolton Coroner's Office.'

7. I'm afraid your club has burnt down.

8. What? Oh... Oh, God, no!

9. - Oh, no, not again! - We've found a body, Mr Potter.

10. 'A body? Oh, God, no!'

11. Jerry - oh, Jerry, the compere!

12. 'He was asked to lock up! Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!'

13. 19 years. No goodbyes.

14. All we need to know, Mr Potter, did he have false teeth?

15. Did he what? False teeth?

16. How the pissin' hell should I know?

17. - Who is this?

18. Hey? I know who you are! Who are you?

19. Mixu Paatelainen!

20. You sick animals!

21. Laughin' at death! Half-past three in the mornin'!

22. Bloody world's gone mad!

23. - Who is this? Hello! - 'Mr Potter?'

24. - Who is this? - 'Sergeant Patterson.

25. 'It's about a break-in at your club.'

26. Ohh! Break-in now, is it?

27. Who's broke in? Bloody Fire Brigade(?)

28. - You sick bastards! - 'l beg your pardon?'

29. Do you? Well, cop this!

30. Good night.

31. Thanks for coming, Sergeant Patterson.

32. - I appreciate it. - Not at all, Mr Potter.

33. Like I said, I can't understand anyone stealing beer crates.

34. Young bulls sniffing crack.

35. Straight up their noses, them beer crates.

36. See ya.

37. (Ray) Lonely This Christmas.

38. It's singles night here at the Phoenix Club

39. where you could meet the love of your life!

40. We're living La Vida tonight!

41. (Ray) There are people here to suit all tastes

42. and the flavoured condom machine is restocked!

43. We're gonna move straight along with the fantastic Eric Carmen.

44. All By Himself.

45. I bet you've cried yourself to sleep many a night with this one!

46. (Ray) Shabba!

47. Where are all the women?

48. I woke up, rolled over. Guess who's lying next to me?

49. - Bonnie Langford! - Look at that lot.

50. They're like pigs on heat.

51. Nearly broke her back.

52. No wonder they're all single, they're all hangin'.

53. Who let the dogs out?

54. - Evenin' boys. - Jerry.

55. On your own?

56. What have you got on? You stink.

57. Summat you can't afford.

58. - What? Fabreze? - Who said that?

59. Sorry, Paddy, didn't see you with the light bouncin' off your head.

60. Who's that with Ray Von?

61. Dunno.

62. She's dicin' with death.

63. Better warn her. They'll drag her out of the canal Monday.

64. You know, song lyrics make good chat-up lines.

65. Like, "heaven must be missing an angel," or

66. "if I said you had a beautiful body

67. "would you hold it against me?" Stuff like that.

68. "I don't know who you are

69. "but you're a real dead ringer for love."

70. - Who sang that? - Meatloaf.

71. Aye, Meatloaf.

72. "Everywhere you go...

73. "you always take the weather with you."

74. No.

75. Hey.

76. - Ray. - Hello, Mr Potter.

77. You've tapped off quick.

78. This is my girlfriend, Mr Potter. Tracy.

79. - Do you fancy a beer? - No, ta. Beer's not my cup of tea.

80. I'll have a drop of Teacher's though.

81. Tracy, his last one were called Tracy. Must be a name thing.

82. - Run while you can. - What?

83. Just get out of here. DJ Death. The Yorkshire Rapper.

84. You don't know what happened to Tracy Burns? Papers.

85. I am Tracy Burns.

86. You're Tracy...? You're Trace...

87. You're Tracy Burns! You're Tracy Burns! You're alive! You're alive!

88. Here in the flesh, all grown-up and breathing!

89. I didn't recognise you without your Hula Hoop!

90. Excuse me while I sack me backing band.

91. Oh!

92. Well, if you'd move!

93. I don't know if you'd noticed but I'm...

94. in a rush!

95. What have you done? Have I run over your foot?

96. It's fine.

97. It's like a shopping trolley, mind of its own.

98. Spilt your drink down you. D'you want another one?

99. It'll numb the pain. You've dropped your brolly now.

100. Marion? Drink! What d'you want, love?

101. - Just a Coke, thanks. - A Coke.

102. - Is that all? A Coke? - Tia Maria. Double, please.

103. Jesus. Double.

104. It's on me.

105. Are you with somebody? Are you on your own?

106. It's a singles night.

107. Oh, aye, innit it just?

108. I should know, I organised it.

109. Oh, d'you work here?

110. Sometimes, yes.

111. I own it, all this.

112. I'm the manager. Brian.

113. - Beverley. - No, Brian.

114. Don't think I'm gonna get me end away tonight.

115. - You're addicted to sex. - I am. It's an illness.

116. Michael Douglas had it.

117. You are. And you know, you're gonna be single for a long time.

118. - Like you? - That's through choice.

119. Yeah, hers!

120. - Who is that behind t'bar? - That's Mary. Holy Mary's youngest.

121. - I didn't know she had kids. - Yeah, two. Mary and Joseph.

122. Joe's doing a BTEC in Joinery down at the college.

123. - Want a drink? - Lemonade.

124. Hey, you, she's too young for you.

125. Hey, if there's grass on the pitch...

126. I see Ironside's copped off here.

127. (All) Hey!

128. (Max) Go on, Brian!

129. OK, we're gonna slow things right down now

130. as we enter the erection section.

131. If you've met somebody get them on the dance floor!

132. If you haven't, what are you still here for, you losers?

133. I'm horny. Horny, horny, horny.

134. Piss off.

135. Go on, that's it, Patrick!

136. - All right? - Kenny, lad. How's it hangin'?

137. Nearly hangin' off - just had three of 'em round the back.

138. Shouldn't you be collecting glasses, Mary?

139. Listen, what are you doin' after work?

140. Fruit machine pinned me up against t'servin' hatch.

141. I were in a coma till new year.

142. I lost me club, I lost me legs - I lost me will to live.

143. Can't go back. Can't go back.

144. There's...

145. - Think they want us to leave. - They do.

146. Jeez, I've gotta lock up.

147. - I've really enjoyed tonight. - Yeah, yeah.

148. I don't get chance to go out much, runnin' this place.

149. We could go out sometime, if you wanted.

150. Who, us?

151. - Yeah. - Ooh.

152. - If, I mean... - Oh, yeah. I'd like that.

153. - Well, we can do that. - I'd like that very much.

154. - Great. Lovely. - Yeah.

155. Flower for the lady?

156. Fuck off.

157. ♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero?

158. Thank you very much. That's for Beverley, there.

159. Thank you. I've finished.

160. Brian Potter, ladies and gentlemen! Your very own!

161. - Let's hear it one more time! - Thank you.

162. - Jerry! - Yeah?

163. - Who's done this? - Dunno.

164. Who's knocked all this off?

165. Vandals! Wants screwin' in, that.

166. - Christ, me eyes are burnin'! - Not my fault.

167. I've not been the same since that cowboy punched me.

168. Are you regular, Brian?

169. Like a Kennedy funeral. Set your watch by my arse.

170. - Big night tonight. - Yeah, yeah.

171. Bucket bingo. Should be good.

172. - No, me and Beverley! - Oh?

173. I'm taking her to chez Potter for a meal.

174. Meal? I didn't know you could cook.

175. Oh... There's a lot you don't know about me.

176. A meal for two and then the world's your lobster.

177. I'm thinking of giving her a pearl necklace.

178. - Does she know?

179. - I'm gonna surprise her. - You might just do that!

180. - Jerry? - Yeah?

181. W-What d'you do, Jerry?

182. - Compere. - No! What d'you do?

183. - What d'you mean? - You know, women.

184. Tactics, manoeuvres.

185. Well, you and Jean must at some point, I mean...

186. Me and Jean? No, never.

187. What, never?

188. Well, once or twice but I'm not a machine.

189. But Beverley's a modern woman, I can tell.

190. I'll tell you this - don't rush.

191. I had a girl once I rushed - big mistake.

192. .. covered in piss.

193. Thanks again for this present.

194. It must've cost a fortune.

195. They were me mother's, them. But they're no use to me.

196. And she would've wanted you to have them.

197. You must miss her.

198. She's not dead. She lives up the lane. Toblerone?

199. Er, no, thanks. If I eat anything else I'll burst.

200. Lovely meal, that. It's a cracker, that burger bar.

201. They do the lot - kebabs, burgers.

202. Blue Nun? Drop of Blue Nun?

203. - Top up? Go on. - Yeah, go on, then.

204. - You only live once. - I've gotta go soon cos...

205. I've got an early start tomorrow.

206. - Have you? - Yeah.

207. You can't go without seeing me jukebox.

208. Look at that - Motown special.

209. - Cracker, isn't it? - Great.

210. I got that from the States. America. Mm.

211. Only a few in the world. D'you like Motown?

212. - Lovely. - Can't whack it.

213. Got any change? Five for a pound.

214. Yeah, I think I have. Hang on.

215. 26B, a bit of Marvin. He knew the score.

216. - D'you ever get lonely? - No. Not with Marvin, anyway.

217. - Have you ever been to America? - No.

218. Me and Jerry went when the Neptune burnt down.

219. Oh, yeah. Had a marvellous two weeks.

220. Jerry got the shits. Lovely time.

221. I've got a video of it, on the floor down there.

222. Just whack it in - I've set it. On top of there, yeah.

223. Jerry did it with his camcorder. On top of Flashdance. It's set.

224. ♪ .. sensitive people

225. This is it, look. There you go.

226. Last night this, they had a big firework display.

227. Have you always lived on your own?

228. No, I were with Jean for many years.

229. Worse luck. Ha.

230. Here we are, look at these rockets.

231. Stand well back! Blow your head off, them.

232. Marvellous what they can do.

233. - Oh!

234. (Man) 'Splash your cream in her headlights!'

235. Where's the remote? It's Jerry's tape, this!

236. It's Jerry's! Knock it off!

237. Oh, it's wonderful.

238. Feels great.

239. Ooh, it's been years since I felt like this.

240. I told you you'd like it if you gave it a try.

241. Is it orthopaedic?

242. Is it orthopaedic, love?

243. It is. And can you take your feet off?

244. - So... water bed, eh? - That's right.

245. You're splashin' out. Splashin' out - get it?

246. Do you begrudge me a bit of happiness?

247. No, it's just... Well, it was only a kiss.

248. Oh, it was more than a kiss. It was a connection.

249. Don't get carried away.

250. It's too late, she's started a fire in Potter's heart.

251. See, I always thought that love was only true in fairy tales,

252. there for someone else but not for me.

253. It's been 12 years. He thinks he's in for life, you know.

254. - Who? - Him?

255. He's up for parole soon.

256. If he gets out I want him comin' home in style.

257. Listen, Beverley, um...

258. - I'm not very good with words, I... - Shh.

259. Won't be long now.

260. Just you wait.

261. Things I'm gonna do to you.

262. Climb on.

263. - Yeah. Feel it? - Yeah.

264. - It's water, that. - Feels weird.

265. I've never been on a water bed before

266. I think I've found me sea legs. Ooh, steady.

267. Before we crack on, there's something I wanna ask you.

268. Now, oh, actually, I wanted to talk to you.

269. Say "cheese."

270. Listen, there's something I really want to...

271. Be a good 'un, that.

272. I need to talk to you about something and it's not easy.

273. - Be a good 'un, that. - Listen.

274. - Me and you. - Brian, please.

275. What?

276. I'm not the person that you think I am.

277. - You're not a bloke, are you? - No.

278. - You didn't used to be? - No.

279. - Like Hayley. - I've never been a bloke.

280. Thank God for that.

281. You... you never ran over my foot that night in the club.

282. What?

283. I work for the DSS, Brian.

284. They sent me to investigate you for fraudulent disability claims.

285. - What? - just hear me out, will you?

286. I know what you're thinking, right, but it's not like that,

287. I never expected any of this.

288. I never expected any of this to happen - never.

289. I've never felt like this about anybody.

290. That's why I wanted to tell you, you know, the truth,

291. cos I can't keep lying to you any more.

292. From the be...? All this time?

293. Turn away.

294. Turn away!

295. Look over there, I don't wanna look at you!

296. - Turn away! - Brian...

297. Brian, it's my job, you know? I... I've got no choice.

298. You know where the front door is.

299. You'll understand if I don't see you out.

300. Right.

301. So you all right?

302. Yeah, I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be all right?

303. This ole' heart of mine's been broke a thousand times, Jerry.

304. I thought that phone were out of order?

305. Knackered.

306. Hello?

307. Still, must've been a shock. Must be painful.

308. Like watching you compere, Jerry.

309. - She's phoned again. - Mm?

310. - Twice now. - She'll stop.

311. There you go.

312. Never even christened it.

313. Still, fraudulent claims!

314. Whoa! Whoa! Shout it around the world!

315. I can't believe it, that's all.

316. Yes! It's gone, all right? Forget about it.

317. Bigger fish to fry.

318. No woman, no cry.

319. Hmm. Worry about this place now.

320. Put me energies into here.

321. Get this year's Talent Trek, we're back in the fast lane.

322. - That's what's important. - Oh, no!

323. I've found your missing beer crates.

324. - But they've nicked your organ. - Bastards.

325. ♪ Whoa...

326. (All) Next!