1. (DJ) 'This is Chorley FM,
coming in your ears!'Copy !req
2. Do you want one of these
for the station?Copy !req
3. - What happened?
- Police stopped me again.Copy !req
4. Right.Copy !req
5. Come on, hurry up!Copy !req
6. Spellin' it wrong! Spellin' it wrong!Copy !req
7. What's a "piss-kick"?
Supposed to be "psychic"! Tit!Copy !req
8. (Max) That's it. Put it on now,
let's have a look.Copy !req
9. That's what we want!Copy !req
10. - Put the porn on.
- Hey!Copy !req
11. - No porn on at this time.
- Get it off.Copy !req
12. You can print that
to any size you like.Copy !req
13. - Amazing what they can do.
- Mm.Copy !req
14. - Technology.
- It's easy as well.Copy !req
15. - I just cut your head off...
- What?Copy !req
16. See that?Copy !req
17. - And drop it wherever you want.
- Yeah.Copy !req
18. (All) Whoa!
(Max) Get out the way!Copy !req
19. Don't think you're
congregating here every day.Copy !req
20. This is for t'regulars.Copy !req
21. - We are regulars.
- You're staff.Copy !req
22. You're not on till seven.
Now, get out and get a life.Copy !req
23. I've got a life, just not got Sky.Copy !req
24. (Ray) Look at the blades -
go right through t'bone, that.Copy !req
25. Yeah, very good.Copy !req
26. W-where did you get
that picture from?Copy !req
27. - Downloaded it off the net.
- D'you like that sort of thing?Copy !req
28. That get you going?
Murders? D'you like murders?Copy !req
29. Yeah, fascinated by it, me.Copy !req
30. (Ray) Look at this, Hannibal Potter!Copy !req
31. - Are we goin' to this meeting?
- Let's. Let's go now.Copy !req
32. Imagine calling
an affiliates' meeting at this time!Copy !req
33. - I know.
- Bloody Den Perry. Bighead.Copy !req
34. - Ah, Brian, can I have a word?
- We're late, Lesley.Copy !req
35. You know this drama group
me and Alan run at the youth club?Copy !req
36. - No.
- You do.Copy !req
37. - We're doing a show.
- What show?Copy !req
38. - Karate Kid: The Musical.
- Come on.Copy !req
39. Our rehearsal room's being fumigated.Copy !req
40. - You want to use mine?
- Only for a few days.Copy !req
41. - They told Terry Waite that.
- This room's free.Copy !req
42. Bigmouth.Copy !req
43. Hey... Oh, look at that!Copy !req
44. That's bloomin' widescreen!Copy !req
45. Cinerama! That's fantastic.
Special that, isn't it?Copy !req
46. - Look at that.Copy !req
47. Didn't know Cracker were French.Copy !req
48. We'll be sellin' popcorn soon!Copy !req
49. Will be when they
put the bluies on, eh?Copy !req
50. Brian, psychic phoned, wanted
to know what time he were on.Copy !req
51. If he's any good
he'll know already.Copy !req
52. Oh! Whoa, where's me dartboard gone?Copy !req
53. Don't throw them in there.
It's Anaglypta, 12 quid a roll!Copy !req
54. It's like livin' in a ghetto,
every bloody week.Copy !req
55. Kenny, we'll have that bull mastiff,Copy !req
56. - if it's not been nicked.
- Right.Copy !req
57. - How they gettin' in?
- Kids with nothing to do.Copy !req
58. Amen to that. Probably one of
your lot. Teaching him karate?Copy !req
59. Ours are good kids.
Can we have this room?Copy !req
60. - If it was up to me...
- It is!Copy !req
61. No, you can't.Copy !req
62. What's in it for me?
(Les) Nothing!Copy !req
63. Well, they can sod off.
Spongers, they wanna get a job.Copy !req
64. Jobs won't come looking for them.
When I were their age...Copy !req
65. Hiya. You all right?Copy !req
66. Make sure they get
some pop and crisps.Copy !req
67. Avanti, Jerry.Copy !req
68. And check 'em for dartboards!Copy !req
69. Like I say, she has got a cock,
so you have been warned.Copy !req
70. Now, as I'm sure you all know
we here at the Banana GroveCopy !req
71. are thrilled to be hosting
the heats for Talent TrekCopy !req
72. and no doubt
for the grand final as wellCopy !req
73. so I must say it's time
somebody decent had it.Copy !req
74. If you'd like some posters,Copy !req
75. they're by the Tropicana Suite,
near the toilets.Copy !req
76. Speaking of shithouses, I'd like
to welcome back Mr Brian PotterCopy !req
77. from the newly refurbished
Phoenix Club.Copy !req
78. Killed many pensioners
this week, Brian?Copy !req
79. If you like folk music with
a touch of racism, he's your man.Copy !req
80. Fat pig.Copy !req
81. A few committee notes to read out...Copy !req
82. Oh, no, look who's on.Copy !req
83. - Who?
- Keith Lard.Copy !req
84. You know Keith Lard. He got done
for interfering with dogs.Copy !req
85. That's him?Copy !req
86. Been on newspapers and in court.Copy !req
87. Got off though, didn't he?Copy !req
88. You get an Alsatian to testify.
Where is he?Copy !req
89. I'd like to now unleash
our guest speaker, Mr Keith Lard,Copy !req
90. here to discuss fire safety
in the workplace.Copy !req
91. Would you care
to take the lead, Keith?Copy !req
92. He's a good lad, this.Copy !req
93. His bark's worse than his bite.
Sorry.Copy !req
94. There you go, mate.Copy !req
95. Fire.Copy !req
96. Smoke kills in seconds,
fire kills in minutes.Copy !req
97. And there's no smoke without fire.Copy !req
98. You know what my biggest fear is?Copy !req
99. - (Man) Rabies?Copy !req
100. No. Ignorance.Copy !req
101. - You ever smelt burning flesh, son?
- Yeah.Copy !req
102. This is Veronica.Copy !req
103. - (Man) She's a bit of a dog!Copy !req
104. - 'Spray on the affected...'
- 'Right.'Copy !req
105. 'Wow! Now you can see that
going to work already.'Copy !req
106. (Max) This is shite.Copy !req
107. - You can turn this crap off.
- No, we're having it on.Copy !req
108. - We like it.
- Home shopping bollocks.Copy !req
109. 'Hey presto, a beautiful
full head of hair.'Copy !req
110. 'Wow, incredible! Now that's
what I call ready for action.'Copy !req
111. 'And Spray Maine's
available in brown, black,Copy !req
112. 'dark brown, silver...'Copy !req
113. There you go,
assorted colours, Paddy.Copy !req
114. Who else have you told, bigmouth?Copy !req
115. Haven't told anybody.Copy !req
116. They've got eyes,
they can see your problem.Copy !req
117. '.. delivered to you in the
comfort of your own armchair.Copy !req
118. 'Don't delay. Call today.'Copy !req
119. If it were my ideal club,
lads and lasses...Copy !req
120. I'll draw the basic club.Copy !req
121. The, er, car park'd be there,
fire exits here...Copy !req
122. Is he drawin' a dog?Copy !req
123. - Back entrance there...
- That's a dog he's drawing.Copy !req
124. He's obsessed.
That's a dog he's drawing.Copy !req
125. - He's drawn a dog.
- .. comes out of this entrance.Copy !req
126. See the idea, what I do
is I QC the situation...Copy !req
127. - Pay attention, please.Copy !req
128. - You prick!
- Laugh or burn, take your pick.Copy !req
129. 'For many men,
sex is a frustrating hobby.'Copy !req
130. 'Yeah, like playing snooker
with a rope.'Copy !req
131. 'Exactly. Well, technology
and an ancient herbal remedyCopy !req
132. 'has combined to create Piagra.'Copy !req
133. - 'A chewing gum?'
- 'It is.Copy !req
134. 'Its juices, when mixed with saliva,Copy !req
135. 'enhance sexual performance
for up to six hours.'Copy !req
136. 'Wow! Hard times a-comin'!
Does it come in a flavour?'Copy !req
137. 'Aniseed, spearmint and lidament.'Copy !req
138. Dead - you're all dead.
It's that easy.Copy !req
139. I'll leave you with this, a friend
of mine sent me from America.Copy !req
140. Shocking headline -
Fire Inferno Wrecks Lives.Copy !req
141. Not for the squeamish,
if you want to cover your ears.Copy !req
142. "To my surprise, 100 storeys high" -Copy !req
143. that's how high fire can get -Copy !req
144. "people get loose who were
trying to get down from the roof.Copy !req
145. "Folks were screaming,
out of control." Pandemonium.Copy !req
146. "It was so devastating
when the boogie..." -Copy !req
147. which must be the American
term for fire, I think -Copy !req
148. ".. started to grow."Copy !req
149. Someone said,
"Burn, baby, burn..."Copy !req
150. ".. disco inferno. Burn, baby,
burn, burn that mother down."Copy !req
151. Another child orphaned.Copy !req
152. Sick minds we're dealing with.Copy !req
153. 419-87-6672.Copy !req
154. Have you, er... got aniseed flavour?Copy !req
155. OK.Copy !req
156. Max. Max!Copy !req
157. - What?
- You want some of this Piagra?Copy !req
158. Do I balls. I don't need it, me.Copy !req
159. 'A piece of history on your
wrist. What I call "wristory".'Copy !req
160. No, no, it's not for me.Copy !req
161. - Den.
- I see you booked that psychic.Copy !req
162. - Yeah, he's on tonight.
- Pure gold, that boy.Copy !req
163. You won't go far wrong with him.
Shifted many tickets?Copy !req
164. Aye, we've sold out, yeah.Copy !req
165. Ding-dong.Copy !req
166. Brian Potter, we don't want
your new club ravaged by fire,Copy !req
167. - what is it? The, er...
- Phoenix.Copy !req
168. Phoenix, right.
I haven't got me readers.Copy !req
169. I'm off there now,
your first inspection.Copy !req
170. I've got a bloke who does that,
had it done the other week.Copy !req
171. Dave Sherland? He's suspended -
allegations of bribery.Copy !req
172. - Bribery?
- Backhanders.Copy !req
173. Some clubs stop at nothing,
even risking customers' lives.Copy !req
174. I'll see you down there directly.Copy !req
175. Watch yourself down there,
Keith - dog rough!Copy !req
176. - All right, Brian?
- Den.Copy !req
177. Dog rough.Copy !req
178. - Pack it in!Copy !req
179. They're on green! Come on, hurry up!Copy !req
180. Me? I was waiting for you!Copy !req
181. I'm disabled, Jerry,
I can't slide through the window.Copy !req
182. We've got to get back
before Keith Lard.Copy !req
183. Why? It's all right,
we've got a licence.Copy !req
184. - We've got a colour photocopy.
- Who are you ringin'?Copy !req
185. - The club, to warn them.
- The phone's out of order.Copy !req
186. The diver's watch.Copy !req
187. 19.95. The one with the light.
The diver's watch.Copy !req
188. 'Look at that.
That is a powerful light.'Copy !req
189. I'm doing 30 as it is.Copy !req
190. - Where are your balls?
- Brian, pack it in! No!Copy !req
191. Get round here.Copy !req
192. - Oh, no!Copy !req
193. - What?
- Look. Police!Copy !req
194. Ignore him,
he doesn't want... Oh, he does.Copy !req
195. Swines, they are. They clamped
me outside the gym last week.Copy !req
196. Can we not shake him?Copy !req
197. If I was a fire I wouldn't knock.Copy !req
198. What you doin'?
I'm fakin' an attack.Copy !req
199. - What's the rush, gents?
- Me dad's havin' an attack.Copy !req
200. Who's that?
All I can see's a bright light.Copy !req
201. - Should I walk towards it?
- Needs his medication.Copy !req
202. Is that one of
our glorious boys in blue?Copy !req
203. - Where you off to?
- Hospital.Copy !req
204. Follow me.Copy !req
205. "Dad"?Copy !req
206. - One, two, three and one!Copy !req
207. You with us, Pat?Copy !req
208. - There's Weenie Lard's lad.
- Where?Copy !req
209. - There.Copy !req
210. - Too loud, that.
- Let's see those stretches!Copy !req
211. - Hey, I never told you, did I?
- Up!Copy !req
212. Me and Pauline went on
a power walk last week.Copy !req
213. This car's engine was running,Copy !req
214. and it was still running
when we got back.Copy !req
215. I thought, "What if someone's
tried to do themselves in?"Copy !req
216. You know, suicide.Copy !req
217. So we looked but the windows
were all steamed up.Copy !req
218. Then Pauline shouts, "There's
a man on back seat with a dog!"Copy !req
219. When I looked it were young Keith
with a spaniel across his lap.Copy !req
220. - A Spaniard?
- He's been done for that before.Copy !req
221. He got off, didn't he?Copy !req
222. He was gettin' off then an' all.Copy !req
223. ls there
a fire extinguisher under here?Copy !req
224. - Get 'em off!
- Yeah.Copy !req
225. When I was in Mexico
I saw the giant redwoods.Copy !req
226. - Ever seen them?
- It's not a coat hook.Copy !req
227. When they go up you know about it.Copy !req
228. Chucking kiddies out of windows,
we were catching 'em.Copy !req
229. - You ever been to Mexico?Copy !req
230. Padlocked? A fire door?Copy !req
231. Do you know the Mexican for
"Let us out, we're burning! Aaah!"Copy !req
232. Djanos salir,
estamos quemndonos. Aaah!Copy !req
233. Fork off.
What?Copy !req
234. - Fork off. Here.
- Brian, no!Copy !req
235. There you go, lost him.Copy !req
236. (Les) # This is the bonsai,
the rikkle tree of rifeCopy !req
237. Focus on the fact
it's highly flammable.Copy !req
238. We've got
a full house tonight!Copy !req
239. Oh, no, look who it is.
No, he can't do that!Copy !req
240. - Closed, until further notice.Copy !req
241. He's here!Copy !req
242. Oi, you can't do that!Copy !req
243. I can and I have, Potter.Copy !req
244. - Why?
- Why?Copy !req
245. For serious breach of
fire regulations. You're closed.Copy !req
246. Oh, no, we're full tonight!Copy !req
247. We're full!Copy !req
248. - 'Tantasy, the new tan aid...'
- What are we gonna do?Copy !req
249. I don't know, Jerry. I do not know.Copy !req
250. We need that licence for tonight.Copy !req
251. If we could...
Can you flick that thing off?Copy !req
252. We're in the shit here!Copy !req
253. 'Tantasy gives you a luxurious...'Copy !req
254. - Can we not reason with him?
- Keith Lard?Copy !req
255. You're jokin', he's power mad.
He wants to destroy us.Copy !req
256. He's got it in for me.Copy !req
257. Me and Paddy
could have a chat to him.Copy !req
258. Bite his ears off.Copy !req
259. I'm friendly with the SAS.Copy !req
260. But you're not, Kenny!Copy !req
261. - Why don't we fight fire with fire?
- Eh?Copy !req
262. John, chapter eight, verse seven?Copy !req
263. What?Copy !req
264. "Let him who is without sin
cast the first stone."Copy !req
265. Is it me or has everybody gone mad?Copy !req
266. - Tell him what you told me.
- Tell him what?Copy !req
267. Edie says that Keith Lard...Copy !req
268. Keith? Brian Potter.
You've made a big mistakeCopy !req
269. and I think
it's gonna cost you your job.Copy !req
270. 'I don't make mistakes...'Copy !req
271. Do you think he'll come back?Copy !req
272. If he knows what's good for him.Copy !req
273. - Well, Potter, what do you want?
- Sit down.Copy !req
274. - I'm not gonna be here that long.
- Just give us a licence and go.Copy !req
275. It's not as simple as that.Copy !req
276. We've done everything.
We need that licence.Copy !req
277. Too little too late.
This isn't about a list.Copy !req
278. This is about your attitude.Copy !req
279. Your shoddy attitude
towards fire safety.Copy !req
280. If I had a wet nose
and a waggy tail you'd give me one.Copy !req
281. You're a disease and I'm the cure.Copy !req
282. You're the disease, Dogtanian -
I hear you're back on the prowl.Copy !req
283. - What do you mean?
- You know what I mean.Copy !req
284. There's been sightings of cars,
of you on back seats with dogs.Copy !req
285. I wondered how long it'd take -Copy !req
286. how long it'd take you
to dig up the past.Copy !req
287. Not guilty!
Don't you read the papers, Potter?Copy !req
288. Lack of proof. Where's your proof?Copy !req
289. You see? You've nothin'.Copy !req
290. What's this?Copy !req
291. Man and beast in perfect harmony.Copy !req
292. A excited look
rarely seen on an Airedale.Copy !req
293. That's not me.Copy !req
294. It's amazing what you can do
with a computer and t'internet.Copy !req
295. And the right picture. Right, Ray?Copy !req
296. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
297. You'll never get away with this.Copy !req
298. You won't... No one'll believe it!Copy !req
299. If you throw enough shit,
some sticks.Copy !req
300. 300 of those dumped
in the right places and...Copy !req
301. you know what people'll say -
there's no smoke without fire.Copy !req
302. 'Hundreds of years ago,
when man walked the planet,Copy !req
303. 'he had no real
means of communication.Copy !req
304. 'In time, man developed a phenomenonCopy !req
305. 'which has never been fully
understood by the psychic community.Copy !req
306. 'This phenomenon is...
Clinton Baptiste.'Copy !req
307. - Y'all right?Copy !req
308. Now... I'm getting a voice.Copy !req
309. The spirit's very strong tonight.Copy !req
310. Hey... Oh.Copy !req
311. I'm gettin' the name...Copy !req
312. I'm hearing the name...Copy !req
313. - John. Ls there a John here?
- (Men) Yes!Copy !req
314. (Max) How's that Piagra?
All right.Copy !req
315. Shit for bubbles.Copy !req
316. Oh. Hey?Copy !req
317. Great, these.
What flavour did you get?Copy !req
318. - Aniseed.
- Has it kicked in yet?Copy !req
319. Can't tell.Copy !req
320. Should've got a diver's watch.Copy !req
321. It's not the kind of divin'
I'll be doing.Copy !req
322. Evenin', girls.
Wanna look into me crystal balls?Copy !req
323. - See where you're goin'?
- What's that smell?Copy !req
324. - In you go.
- It stinks!Copy !req
325. - Yeah. Get in.
- See where you're goin'.Copy !req
326. It's half six in Japan.Copy !req
327. Your mother, John - quite young
when she died. Am I right?Copy !req
328. 93.Copy !req
329. But she were young in herself -
young at heart.Copy !req
330. And she slowed down
towards the end. Am I right?Copy !req
331. Yeah.Copy !req
332. This is your partner, correct?Copy !req
333. There's something you want
to tell her, am I right?Copy !req
334. - No.
- I think there is.Copy !req
335. Something you wanted
to get off your chest,Copy !req
336. you're maybe a bit ashamed of?Copy !req
337. Don't you think
you should tell her, john?Copy !req
338. Nothin', there's nothin'!Copy !req
339. - What is it?
- Hey, mouth!Copy !req
340. Dave likes to see me holding what?Copy !req
341. - Anything?
- Nothing. Not a pulse.Copy !req
342. Come on, son, let's have you.Copy !req
343. Don't worry,
you'll still be able to visit.Copy !req
344. Now, I'm feelin' it
very strongly... over here.Copy !req
345. What's your name, love?
Don't tell me... It's Se... So...Copy !req
346. - Sonia.
- Sonia. Sonia.Copy !req
347. Now, Sonia, you've not been
very well. Am I right?Copy !req
348. No. Debbie's been ill.Copy !req
349. Debbie... You have,
haven't you, love? Been very poorly.Copy !req
350. - It's not been easy, has it?
- No.Copy !req
351. - And it is terminal, isn't it?
- No, no.Copy !req
352. Right, hands up...Copy !req
353. who can't have children.Copy !req
354. - Shit, I'm out of oxygen!Copy !req
355. I know there's something goin' on.
Tell me what's goin' on!Copy !req
356. Nothing!
It's wrong what he's doing.Copy !req
357. - He's just offending people!
- Tell me what's goin' on!Copy !req
358. Whoa, stay back, Paddy.
Domestic. Don't get involved.Copy !req
359. You've gotta be cruel to be kind.Copy !req
360. Hey, don't shoot the messenger!Copy !req
361. This is what
the spirits are telling me.Copy !req
362. Now, I'm gettin' the word...Copy !req
363. - .."nonce".
- Ooh!Copy !req
364. - Thank you. Good night.
- Night, Bill.Copy !req
365. - We're not comin' here again.
- Where did you get him from?Copy !req
366. - Came highly recommended.
- By who?Copy !req
367. Den Perry.Copy !req
368. Den Perry? Jerry, Jerry, Perry?
Jerry, Perry, Perry!Copy !req
369. He wants us shut down!Copy !req
370. Oh! Thank you.
Thank you, good buddy.Copy !req
371. Thank you for upsetting my customers
that I've had to refund!Copy !req
372. - How long did I do?
- 15 minutes.Copy !req
373. Really? I don't usually last ten.Copy !req
374. It's them -
they can't handle the truth!Copy !req
375. Some bloody psychic -
you didn't see that coming!Copy !req
376. - Can I have me money?
- Can you have...?Copy !req
377. Can you read minds?
Can you read minds? Read this.Copy !req
378. Hey?Copy !req
379. You can walk.Copy !req
380. Get out of it. Get off!Copy !req
381. Dad, oh, not again! No, Dad!Copy !req
382. This isn't the hospital, son!Copy !req
383. Another attack, sir?Copy !req
384. Must be me you're allergic to, eh?Copy !req
385. - I've brought you a prescription.Copy !req
386. Three points...Copy !req
387. and a £200 fine
to be taken immediately.Copy !req
388. Jerry.Copy !req
389. Fire!Copy !req
390. Next!Copy !req