1. - (Scattered applause)
- Thank you.Copy !req
2. Perfect Ten -
and we're ten perfect minutesCopy !req
3. from tonight's Open The Box!Copy !req
4. Where the jackpot stands
at a big £33.Copy !req
5. So I'll leave you
in the very capable handsCopy !req
6. of your brand-new resident DJ,
Mr Ray Von!Copy !req
7. (Ray) Yeah! That's right!Copy !req
8. My name is Ray Von
so let's r-r-rave on!Copy !req
9. Excuse me! Hey!Copy !req
10. Could you lower it, son?Copy !req
11. - What?
- Bangin'.Copy !req
12. Cheers! Come on
and reach for the lasers!Copy !req
13. Have you not got a nice foxtrot?
Bit of Kenny G?Copy !req
14. Oh, what's this?Copy !req
15. Smoke machine - it's jammed!Copy !req
16. (Brian) Knock that off! What's that?Copy !req
17. (Brian) Too much!Copy !req
18. - (# Heavy industrial continues)
- (Brian) Kenny!Copy !req
19. (Kenny) Brian! Where are you?Copy !req
20. - Turn it off!
- Brian! Sorry, Brian.Copy !req
21. Where is he? Turn this thing off!Copy !req
22. Sorted.Copy !req
23. Come on, Captain, home time.Copy !req
24. I wanna lock up.Copy !req
25. Captain! Time's time, cock!Copy !req
26. Ship ahoy!Copy !req
27. Shit!Copy !req
28. - Well?
- He's dead, Brian.Copy !req
29. - (All gasp)
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
30. Who's gonna do the bloody door?Copy !req
31. Come on, Captain, lad, wake up!Copy !req
32. - He can't hear you, he's dead.
- Never seen a dead body before.Copy !req
33. I used to bag 'em up in 'Nam.Copy !req
34. We'll swing for this -
it'll finish us!Copy !req
35. - We didn't kill him.
- No, but Smokey Robinson did!Copy !req
36. - He's a psycho!
- He's had an asthma attack.Copy !req
37. - It's all this smoke!
- He had angina and all.Copy !req
38. He-he-he-he was! He was
asthmatic, he was asthmatic.Copy !req
39. Put him in the Pennine Suite.Copy !req
40. - Why?
- Why?Copy !req
41. In here's murder,
next door's natural causes.Copy !req
42. Stick him in there.Copy !req
43. I'll tell you what,
I'm havin' his fridge freezer.Copy !req
44. It's less than 12 months old.Copy !req
45. (2nd woman) And the dog?
(1st woman) Get it put down.Copy !req
46. - Deaf Tony died yesterday.
- He didn't?Copy !req
47. - 56.
- That's no age.Copy !req
48. Bin lorry, reversed over him.Copy !req
49. - How's Irene takin' it?
- Oh, bad.Copy !req
50. And they didn't empty her bin.
(Chortles)Copy !req
51. Remember where y'are.Copy !req
52. If we spread his ashes
do we get money back on t'urn?Copy !req
53. Come on!Copy !req
54. - Brian.
- All right, Brian?Copy !req
55. Hello, Les. Hello, Alan.Copy !req
56. I see, er,
your Ray Van's not turned up.Copy !req
57. Good. I'm glad.Copy !req
58. Never batted an eyelid, did he?Copy !req
59. Very comfortable around death,
that lad. Used to it, you see.Copy !req
60. - Did he really kill Tracy Burns?
- Oh, aye.Copy !req
61. It were in all the papers,
weren't it?Copy !req
62. Why's he not in prison, then?Copy !req
63. Technicalities, innit?Copy !req
64. - Look at OJ Simpson.
- Yes.Copy !req
65. - I'm gonna get rid of him.
- Ooh, you can't do that.Copy !req
66. That were Tracy's mistake.
She ended up in a wheelie bin.Copy !req
67. - Her head did.
- (Tapping glass)Copy !req
68. A bit of respect, ladies and
gentlemen, for the Captain.Copy !req
69. The Captain.Copy !req
70. I'll never forget
the day we first met.Copy !req
71. D-day it were. Aye, D-day.Copy !req
72. We were fourth off the
landing craft up Sword beach.Copy !req
73. 60 yards up the beach
they get him, the bastards,Copy !req
74. but he kept on runnin' -
blew his eyeball right out.Copy !req
75. But I caught it!
And d'you know what he said to me?Copy !req
76. He said, "You were supposed
to keep an eye out for me!"Copy !req
77. But that was the Captain,
always a joker.Copy !req
78. - The Captain.
- (All) The Captain.Copy !req
79. (Les) What the hell's that?Copy !req
80. 'Wundebar! Das jackpot! Wundebar!'Copy !req
81. - Turn that thing off.
- 'Schnell! Dive! Dive!'Copy !req
82. (Woman on TV)
'It's an amoeba, a single cellCopy !req
83. 'and this is it feeding.Copy !req
84. 'An amoeba can change shape easily.Copy !req
85. 'By pushing its cell surface
forward, it engulfs its food.'Copy !req
86. (Man) Bloody hell.Copy !req
87. (TV) 'That's fine if you're
a single-celled organism...'Copy !req
88. Sorry, guys.Copy !req
89. And who should pop his head
out of the next tent -Copy !req
90. Mr Robert De Niro.Copy !req
91. Loves Pwllheli.
Was there with his family.Copy !req
92. He's doing another
Deer Hunter in Rhyll.Copy !req
93. Absolutely hammered him at Swingball.Copy !req
94. - (Engine revving)
- Whoa!Copy !req
95. Whoa!Copy !req
96. Whoa! Wind the window down.Copy !req
97. Wind it down. Not as clever
as you think, are you?Copy !req
98. You forgot this.Copy !req
99. - Nothing gets past these.
- Cheers, mate. Nice one.Copy !req
100. (Brian) Let me get this straight.Copy !req
101. Two lads walk in off the street
and take the televisionCopy !req
102. and you did nothing?Copy !req
103. We thought you'd arranged it.Copy !req
104. - Arranged what?
- They were wearing overalls.Copy !req
105. Oh, overalls! Oh, well,
excuse me, then - overalls!Copy !req
106. Oh, well... Jesus H!Copy !req
107. That was a brand-new set!
The world's gone mad.Copy !req
108. They were probably drug addicts.Copy !req
109. In overalls?Copy !req
110. Where'd you get
that new motor, Brian?Copy !req
111. - Somewhere.
- Must've cost a bob.Copy !req
112. It must have.
Traded me Shopmobility.Copy !req
113. For a Cadillac?Copy !req
114. If I'd been on the ball I'd have
worn overalls and driven it out.Copy !req
115. (Man) This snooker table's knackered!
Are you getting it fixed?Copy !req
116. - Has he not been yet?
- No.Copy !req
117. You should've told 'em to take that.Copy !req
118. They only had a Citroën.Copy !req
119. (French accent)
'Allo, Games Sans Frontières.'Copy !req
120. - Eric? Brian.
- 'Brian! How's it goin'?'Copy !req
121. It's not going.
It's as crooked as you.Copy !req
122. 'What d'you mean? What's up?'Copy !req
123. I've got a deformed snooker table,Copy !req
124. a Nazi bandit
that pays out in DeutschmarksCopy !req
125. and a flavoured condom machine
ten years out of date.Copy !req
126. 'And?'Copy !req
127. Would you suck a ten-year-old banana?Copy !req
128. - 'No.'
- Neither will they.Copy !req
129. - 'I'll have to get me papers.'
- No, get your arse hereCopy !req
130. for this snooker table,
before I nail you to it.Copy !req
131. Shithead.Copy !req
132. Well, what do you think?Copy !req
133. It's hard to find the words
to describe it, Eric, really.Copy !req
134. Oh, I've found some.
What the frig is it?Copy !req
135. This? This is what the punters want!Copy !req
136. - A mechanical bull?
- A bucking bronco!Copy !req
137. - Get rid of it.
- The van's gone.Copy !req
138. This is the future,
snooker's dead and buried.Copy !req
139. - I'm not convinced.
- Trust me, Brian,Copy !req
140. they'll all want one
when they've seen yours.Copy !req
141. Oh! Where have I heard that before?
Indoor golf?Copy !req
142. Foxy boxing? I've just got shot
of your six-foot Ker Plunk!Copy !req
143. Have a ride, see what you think.Copy !req
144. I'll give you a week's free trial,Copy !req
145. then she's got to go to the
European finals in Düsseldorf.Copy !req
146. Düsseldorf? Good, you can take
das fruit machine with you.Copy !req
147. I'll throw in an aeroplane,
one previous owner.Copy !req
148. Who were it? John Denver?Copy !req
149. Come on, Brian, you'll not regret it.Copy !req
150. Give it a couple of days,
it'll be shitting money.Copy !req
151. If not it had better learn
how to shit snooker tables.Copy !req
152. 'This is Jerry St Clair welcoming
you to an afternoon of bingo.'Copy !req
153. 50p a line,
seven pound your full house.Copy !req
154. Get your dobbers, your dabbers
and cards, we're ready to go.Copy !req
155. Here... What's that?Copy !req
156. New bingo machine.Copy !req
157. I built it! Guts of a Hoover.Copy !req
158. Can you flick it to upholstery?Copy !req
159. Eyes down,
looking for your first number.Copy !req
160. Oh!Copy !req
161. Four and nine, 49.Copy !req
162. (Women) We've had it!Copy !req
163. You can't, I've just picked it
up off the bloody floor!Copy !req
164. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
165. (Muttering) Bloody hell.
One and two...Copy !req
166. Let's hear it for Albert!
Albert's a registered diabetic.Copy !req
167. The louder you scream
the faster the ride!Copy !req
168. Those are the rules, folks!Copy !req
169. - (Cheering)
- What else have you got to do?Copy !req
170. Come on, you're nearly at the
pensioners' record! Here we go!Copy !req
171. - There he is!
- Who?Copy !req
172. - Ray Von.
- Thinks he's on the waltzers.Copy !req
173. I've not seen this lot so excitedCopy !req
174. since they printed that
paedophile's address in t'paper.Copy !req
175. Shit, not another one.Copy !req
176. - Hey!
- (Cheering)Copy !req
177. Let's get another victim...
another contestant on the ride!Copy !req
178. Just a little joke there!Copy !req
179. You know what we should have?Copy !req
180. - St John's Ambulance?
- Wild West Night.Copy !req
181. - You reckon?
- With that thing there?Copy !req
182. Get some gunslingers in,
some line dancing.Copy !req
183. Line dancing? That's a bit old hat.Copy !req
184. Den Perry had it and it was sold out.Copy !req
185. - Made a fortune.
- Did he?Copy !req
186. I draw the line at lynchin'.Copy !req
187. Howdy, ladies.Copy !req
188. Evenin', y'all.Copy !req
189. God, I wouldn't mind ridin' that.Copy !req
190. D'you wanna go faster?
Let's try it the other way!Copy !req
191. Come on, George, here we go!Copy !req
192. - (Thud)
- Yay!Copy !req
193. Absolutely brilliant, George!
Who's next in line?Copy !req
194. So, cowboys and cowgirls,
we've got a special treat for you.Copy !req
195. Give a mighty Phoenix welcome
to a fabulous act -Copy !req
196. it's Wild Bill and Trigger!Copy !req
197. I'm Wild Bill, say hello to Trigger!Copy !req
198. There is a horse
in my Cabaret Suite.Copy !req
199. A hat's the worst thing
you can wear if you're going bald.Copy !req
200. - Look, don't start.
- Telling you.Copy !req
201. You've either gotta
accept it or cover up.Copy !req
202. Cover up? It's you
that's going bald, not me.Copy !req
203. I've lost most of my hair
worrying about yours.Copy !req
204. What's he doing now?Copy !req
205. He's digging for gold!Copy !req
206. Well done, boy!Copy !req
207. Well, what d'you think?Copy !req
208. There is a horse in my Cabaret Suite.Copy !req
209. Brilliant, isn't he?Copy !req
210. Is it real?Copy !req
211. (Wild Bill) Down. That's a good lad.Copy !req
212. Oh, it's real, my friend.
It's real, you better believe it.Copy !req
213. - I'll clean it up.
- 30 grand, that cork floor.Copy !req
214. What's he doing now? Ohh!Copy !req
215. - Come on...
- (Applause)Copy !req
216. Bruce Willis.Copy !req
217. Er... Yul Brynner, Sean Connery.Copy !req
218. Skin's in, man. Women - they love it.Copy !req
219. Can't get enough.
Nothing to be ashamed of.Copy !req
220. I'm not ashamed
cos I'm not going bald!Copy !req
221. Connery -
Connery wants best of both worlds.Copy !req
222. See his wig in The Rock? Amazing!Copy !req
223. He loves wearing 'em, Connery.Copy !req
224. Never Say Never Again -
that were another. Can't get enough.Copy !req
225. (Jerry) One more time!
Wild Bill and Trigger!Copy !req
226. I'm gonna leave youCopy !req
227. with your own rootin',
tootin', shootin' DJ,Copy !req
228. Mr Ray Von!Copy !req
229. Just let me clean that shit up.Copy !req
230. Yeah! Rave on, y'all!Copy !req
231. (Laughs) Shabba!Copy !req
232. Highlander. Wig.
He had a wig in Highlander.Copy !req
233. Highlander 2: The Quickening. Wig.Copy !req
234. What were that mad one
where he got his cock out?Copy !req
235. - Zardoz.
- Zardoz. Wig.Copy !req
236. (Ray) Here we go,
let's set the dance floor on fire!Copy !req
237. Here we go! Check this out!Copy !req
238. - (Scratching)
- Check it out!Copy !req
239. Yeah!Copy !req
240. (Ray) Garage, house - it doesn't
matter. It's all OK for DJ Ray!Copy !req
241. Can I have chips and black-eyed peas?Copy !req
242. What's in your snake-eyed pie?Copy !req
243. - Chicken and mushroom.
- I'll have two.Copy !req
244. Two snakes, Marion!Copy !req
245. (Ray) Rawhides on the dance floor!Copy !req
246. - What time's the gunfight?
- After supper.Copy !req
247. The Keighley Confederates
against the Preston Posse.Copy !req
248. (Ray) Comin' at ya! Come on!Copy !req
249. You what?
Lancashire against Yorkshire?Copy !req
250. Bloody hell,
you don't mix the counties!Copy !req
251. I wondered why we had a gap.Copy !req
252. Ike and Tina, chalk and cheese -
they don't go!Copy !req
253. - It's gonna kick off.
- No, it's not!Copy !req
254. It's all part of the show.
Do it all the time.Copy !req
255. It better be.Copy !req
256. Here we go! Something sticky!Copy !req
257. - (Scratching)
- (Dancers groan)Copy !req
258. - Who's judging?
- Ray Von.Copy !req
259. Oh, my God.Copy !req
260. Don't give him a gun,
we'll be knee-deep in bodies.Copy !req
261. The Hunt For Red October. Wig.Copy !req
262. The Avengers. Wig.Copy !req
263. No, he were bald in The Avengers.Copy !req
264. - Think on.
- He was, he was.Copy !req
265. But it were a flop, though.Copy !req
266. No wig, no hit. Shit.Copy !req
267. - Brian Potter!
- Colin, I thought it were you.Copy !req
268. Hope your money's not gone up.Copy !req
269. Last time I saw you, Barracuda Club,Copy !req
270. you were in a double act
with what's-her-name...Copy !req
271. - Mini Ha-Ha.
- Yes. Not laughing now, is she?Copy !req
272. Lost a leg to diabetes, poor cow.Copy !req
273. - I've got Trigger now.
- She's a beauty, ain't she?Copy !req
274. Sorry, he. Nearly had me eye out.Copy !req
275. Mind if I put him in that
other room? It's pissing down.Copy !req
276. It's pissing down in here -
on 40 grand of cork floor.Copy !req
277. Hey? No, you can't, forget it.
Get it away from me.Copy !req
278. - He doesn't change, does he?
- No.Copy !req
279. Stick him in the Pennine Suite,
he'll never know.Copy !req
280. Good boy, good boy.Copy !req
281. (Jerry) Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back, pardnersCopy !req
282. to Gunfight at the Phoenix Corral,Copy !req
283. with me, Deputy St Clair.
Hey? Look at that, 'ey?Copy !req
284. Tonight we've got
the Keighley Confederates...Copy !req
285. .. against the Preston Posse!Copy !req
286. So without further ado,Copy !req
287. can we have the first two
gunslingers up on their marks?Copy !req
288. (Man) Go on, George!
(2nd man) Go on, Frank!Copy !req
289. Come on, Yorkshire.Copy !req
290. Draw!Copy !req
291. So let's hear it for the
undefeated world champion,Copy !req
292. a good friend of mine, Cisco Sid!Copy !req
293. Come on over... (Laughs)Copy !req
294. (Jerry) Christ, I've died
and gone to Memphis.Copy !req
295. It's Silverado Presley!Copy !req
296. Come on, son, crack a smile.
He's a welder during the day.Copy !req
297. Is that gold or is it chocolate?
Is it chocolate, eh?Copy !req
298. It's very good, son, keep it up.Copy !req
299. Come on, come on, here we go.Copy !req
300. On your marks.
Lancashire, are you ready?Copy !req
301. Ready!Copy !req
302. - Yorkshire, are you ready?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
303. - (Laughter)
- (Man) Get out of town!Copy !req
304. Draw.Copy !req
305. Ray?Copy !req
306. Lancashire!Copy !req
307. No way! There is no way!
That was cheating!Copy !req
308. And...Copy !req
309. ..fire!Copy !req
310. Lancashire again!Copy !req
311. No way!Copy !req
312. Here we go.Copy !req
313. Next up for the Confederates
we've got Georgia Jed!Copy !req
314. Where's Georgia Jed?Copy !req
315. - Stand up, son. Oh, he is.
- (Confederates) Go on, Georgia!Copy !req
316. Brian! There's a horse
in the Jocky Wilson Suite!Copy !req
317. - Yeah, right.
- There is! Come on, quick!Copy !req
318. (Jerry) Typical Yorkshire.Copy !req
319. (All) # Away, awayCopy !req
320. All right, Jed? Have we got a box?Copy !req
321. There you are. Told you.Copy !req
322. Get off!Copy !req
323. - What's wrong with it?
- What's up with it?Copy !req
324. It's pissed,
that's what's up with it!Copy !req
325. - Let go of me!
- How do you know?Copy !req
326. I know a pissed horse when I see one!Copy !req
327. Get it a kebab.Copy !req
328. So Jed, what do you wanna be
when you grow up? Taller?Copy !req
329. No, he was born on
the cusp of Leo and Capricorn,Copy !req
330. which makes him a leprechaun
if I'm right - am I right?Copy !req
331. (Jerry) Get it, Jed? Where's he gone?
There you are.Copy !req
332. He says he's 47 and single -
there's a surprise -Copy !req
333. you think? He's probably one of
them bandits, know what I mean?Copy !req
334. Rode into town,
shot up the sheriff...Copy !req
335. (Brian) Oh, my God. What's he doing?Copy !req
336. - (Rhythmic creaking)
- Pull it off.Copy !req
337. You what?
I'm not pullin' off a horse!Copy !req
338. (Brian) We've not got
a licence for this.Copy !req
339. Kenny, get the mop.Copy !req
340. You better get in there,
all hell's breakin' loose!Copy !req
341. Who's taught him that?Copy !req
342. I thought it were Yul Brynner?Copy !req
343. No, this is Guns Of The Seven.
It's Cogburn, this!Copy !req
344. He picks the chair up,
the bloke ducks,Copy !req
345. he chucks it straight
through the window!Copy !req
346. - They've got guns!
- (Gunshots)Copy !req
347. (Max) Get 'em out,
come on, get 'em out!Copy !req
348. Come on. Elvis has left the building.Copy !req
349. (Brian) 45 grand, that floor,
destroyed by him! He's one!Copy !req
350. - I've ruptured an artery.
- Good! I'm glad!Copy !req
351. Wild West? Wild, that's for sure!Copy !req
352. You know why Den Perry
stopped having 'em now.Copy !req
353. It was like this every night.
They're animals, this lot.Copy !req
354. Now you tell me, eh?Copy !req
355. You! He's in there
and he's pissed out of his mindCopy !req
356. and he's got a corporate
in Torquay tomorrow!Copy !req
357. He'll have to go
back on the wagon.Copy !req
358. (Patrick) Friggin' hell!Copy !req
359. (Brian) Chuck the key away!Copy !req
360. Hold on! Any minute now. (Grunting)Copy !req
361. (Magician, muffled) This is me!Copy !req
362. Seeing is believing!Copy !req
363. Whose keys are those?Copy !req
364. - I dunno.
- (Muffled) Big finish!Copy !req
365. These your keys?Copy !req
366. What?Copy !req
367. (Brian) Next!Copy !req
368. Oh, fu...Copy !req