Phoenix Nights 1x1

Directed by

Tim Healy as Mike Fiddler • Roy Walker as Himself • Daniel Kitson as Spencer • Tony Xu as Chinese Man • Jayne Bickerton as Debra Quinn

The Phoenix Club is re-opening tonight with the help of Roy “It's The Way I Tell 'Em” Walker and Brian and the crew have to make sure everything runs smoothly which isn't helped by a Nazi bandit, singing builders, short circuit a racist folk band and Max and Paddy. Opening Night is sure to be great.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (DJ) 'You're Listening to Chorley FM.

2. 'I'm Paul LeRoy comin' in your ears

3. 'and here's Yazz and she's goin' up!

4. 'The Phoenix Club in Bolton has its grand reopening tonight

5. 'with chart-topping pop folk band Half A Shilling

6. 'and TV's own Roy "It's The Way I Tell 'Em" Walker

7. 'cutting the ribbon at 7:30.

8. 'Tickets are £15, including supper and bingo.'

9. - Hello? - Hello?

10. - You've just been on the radio! - Did they mention the prices?

11. - Yeah, they did. Where are you? - Behind you. I'm comin' in now.

12. - Get me chair ready. - Kenny, get his chair ready.

13. - What do you think? - You'll need more bulbs.

14. Think Las Vegas. A couple missing there.

15. - Where? - At the back there.

16. You wanna see it for miles around.

17. Opening night tonight!

18. I can't... I can't hear no bangin'.

19. - Where's Rafferty? - On his dinner.

20. Dinner? It's half past ten! Look, this is a disgrace.

21. We've got VIPs coming tonight. That should be...

22. (Brian) Where is she? (Kenny) Who?

23. Holy Mary.

24. - What are all these about? - You said banners.

25. I said... Don't wind me up, not today. Get 'em down.

26. - What, here? - "Make it right, see the light."

27. Pop 'em or sling 'em. It's a club, not a mosque!

28. - Brian, they're doing no harm. - Tell that to Cat Stevens.

29. We'll be servin' holy tonic water next.

30. - (With helium) God loves you. - Oh? Funny way of showing it.

31. Rafferty! I'll... I'll bloody kill him!

32. Oh, you're 'ere! Nice of you to pop in.

33. That phone's not stopped.

34. I've enough to do without being your secretary.

35. Mayor's office have confirmed, local papers are coming down,

36. Eric's sending a fruit machine,

37. Roy Walker's comin' at six and t'pot washer won't work.

38. - Where is the lazy sod? - Motor's playin' up.

39. And think again if you think I'm using these.

40. 17 quid these, each.

41. - Where's the Saint? - Where d'you think?

42. - (Brian) Jerry? - What?

43. - How long you gonna be? - How long's a piece of string?

44. - What string? - It's a saying.

45. Balls to that! Have you phoned the band?

46. No, not yet. Look, I've had some bad reports.

47. The Vulcan had 'em last week and there was nearly a riot.

48. With Half A Shilling? They're a folk band, not The Who.

49. Flat caps and clogs, this lot'll lap it up.

50. Anyway, they've been booked for months.

51. - I've got a bad feeling. - It's your arse. Get 'em rung.

52. And we should have had a support for £15.

53. They've got enough - free bingo and a pasty and pea supper.

54. - I'm not sure. - I am.

55. Stop crappin', get cracking. We've work to do. Avanti!

56. (Man) It's the last one.

57. (Brian) I don't care if it's the last of the Mohicans,

58. - I ordered The Matrix, not Das Boot. - It was a classic film!

59. You take it for your front room, impress your friends.

60. I don't gamble.

61. Neither do I - that, my friend, is a gamble.

62. Where's Eric? I wanna speak to the organist.

63. - He's busy. - I'm busy! What?

64. - What door do you want me on? - Not now, Captain. I'm busy too.

65. I'll give you a fortnight free.

66. Make it a month. Stick it in the Pennine Suite.

67. Oh, where the hell have you been?

68. - Getting supplies. - What for, your gut?

69. I don't know if you've heard but we open tonight.

70. Don't worry, it'll all be sorted.

71. I might agree but I'm not as feng shui.

72. Now get the rest of the Village People inside.

73. Oi, oi, oi, this way.

74. Kenny, get me Zantac, I'm fillin' up.

75. And me! Get me and all!

76. Come on. Pennine Suite, dickhead.

77. - Hiya, Jed. - Hiya.

78. - Les. Seen the bingo machine? - You seen Alan?

79. - Why, has he got it? - No, he's not.

80. What's up?

81. - He should be here by now. - Where is he?

82. Driving - long haul from Stranrae.

83. Stranrae? In Scotland? Does Potter know?

84. Who's gonna do t'keyboards for my opening number?

85. (Les) He'll be here.

86. Spencer, did you find us all right?

87. - Yeah, just about. - Jerry, Spencer.

88. - He's doing the disco. - All right, Jerry?

89. You havin' a sale, son? Cos we've not got a CD player.

90. He jumps on me bike, I slip me jacket off,

91. he went down, I went in with me boot.

92. - Nowt wrong with that. - Quick scissor kick.

93. See, that's why I don't go to parents' evenings,

94. they get me angry, know what I mean?

95. - Up you go. - Up YOU go, not me.

96. - Why not? - Two words. Falklands.

97. - What door am I on? - Sod off.

98. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

99. Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans, what's going on?

100. Wh... Are my eyes dreaming,

101. or have you got two builders singing Acapulco?

102. No, it's me new opening for tonight.

103. There's not gonna be an opening,

104. not with the pissing Lighthouse Family up there

105. singing instead of graftin'! Where's Alan? Well, Lesley?

106. - Stranrae. - Where?

107. Stranrae!

108. Stranrae?

109. In Scotland? Today? Stranrae?

110. Ooh, me angina. You're killin' me.

111. Wanna sing at me funeral, lads? Cos it's comin'.

112. Not responding. He probably can't get a signal in Stranrae!

113. Balls to you. Can we close the circus and open the club?

114. (Woman) The man from the brewery's here!

115. Kenny, give these to Max and Paddy - headsets. No buts.

116. Anything else?

117. Somebody's nicked the bingo machine.

118. Let's get ready to rumble!

119. Lesley, can I have a word?

120. - You holding these or what? - Shut up. Stop moanin'.

121. - Chuck us that hammer. - Here.

122. - You goin' bald? - No.

123. - I can see your head. - It's always been like that.

124. - Since when? - Me hair's very fine.

125. I don't know about fine, it's thin.

126. - It's not thin. - It's anorexic.

127. - Shut it! - Oi, dickhead!

128. Brian says you gotta wear these.

129. - What are they? - Headsets.

130. - Headsets? - Sets? For your head?

131. It's all there, "Grand gala opening".

132. - Yeah, very good. Who's Brain? - Brain?

133. Brain Potter. Brain Potter. And on the back, Brain Potter.

134. Brain on the front, Brain on the back. Disgrace.

135. - Pop-up. - Pop-up? What club's that?

136. Whose club's that? That's not my club, son.

137. Er...

138. - Da-daa! - Who's that supposed to be?

139. - It's you. - Get it off. Get it off now.

140. Stick 'em up your arse.

141. I know why you won't wear 'em - you don't wanna mess your hair.

142. (Laughs) What hair you've got left.

143. - Don't. - (Laughing)

144. Eh... baldy?

145. - Baldy bouncer. - Leave it.

146. Baldy, baldy. Baldy.

147. Baldy, baldy, baldy...

148. Leave it!

149. (Brian) That's it. Every last one of 'em.

150. What were that?

151. (Man) Is he all right? Was he fell?

152. Jesus Christ... Help me.

153. - Get up, you girl. - Help me...

154. - (Brian) My window! - (Groans)

155. Whoa! Can you move back, please? Can you move back, please?

156. 15 quid a ticket? Why can't we go round there?

157. It's for VIPs only, love.

158. Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this. We're penned in here like cows.

159. (Headphones) 'Punch her in the face.'

160. (Brian) Let's get on with the ribbon. Ten!

161. Nine! Eight!

162. Seven! Six!

163. Five! Four!

164. Three! Two! One!

165. Look at the lights! Oi, love, look at the lights!

166. Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy,

167. welcome to the Phoenix Club!

168. Make your way to the Pennine Suite.

169. Canapes will be served forthwith.

170. Eyeball, I've got a convoy here.

171. - '10-4, rubber dick.' - Eh, less of the rubber dick...

172. baldy.

173. Hold it, whoa, what's goin' on here?

174. 30 pence apiece, and don't forget the raffle.

175. - 20 pence... - Is Alan here yet?

176. Tell Alan he'll be playin' his organ down the bloody Job Club.

177. You hear me?

178. Evenin', ladies. No concealed weapons, I hope?

179. There you go. That's it, in you pop.

180. That's the way.

181. Lordy, I wouldn't mind hangin' out of that.

182. 'And that.'

183. What's goin' on here? Can I get through?

184. - What's goin' on, Captain? - Who's signin' this lot in?

185. That's TV's own Roy Walker, that! Go on through, Roy.

186. Can you get through?

187. Let's get ready to rumble!

188. All right, comin' up now, a classic hit,

189. Aled Jones singin' that...

190. Walking In The Air song, classic. Here we go.

191. (DJ) There we go. In the air.

192. Listen to his high voice.

193. (Out of tune) # Walking in the air

194. - Sorry about the smell of gloss. - That's all right.

195. - We just had it tarted up. - Nice.

196. - D'you like it? - Yeah.

197. - How's TV goin'? - All right, you know.

198. - Is Catchphrase coming back? - I don't do that any more.

199. - Really? - No, no.

200. So you've pissed on your Mr Chips?

201. - 'Patrick, can you hear me?' - 'Yeah.'

202. - 'Can you hear me now?' - 'Hear you? I can see you!'

203. - 'Can you hear me now?' - 'You'll have to go further.

204. - 'They're dear, these.' - 'Can you hear me now?'

205. Know what I mean? (Laughs)

206. Oh, 'ey up, hello, Billy. Like your glasses.

207. Hey, the glamour girls are in. All right, Moira.

208. - How's Ron, still in hospital? - No.

209. - Oh, that's good news. - He's dead.

210. So, there we go, Aled Jones and that classic Walking In The Air.

211. He was actually flying,

212. it's a complete misnomer on every conceivable level.

213. Now here we go with Paul Hardcastle's anti-war song, 19.

214. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen.

215. We should've started by now. ls Alan here yet?

216. No. But the band are.

217. - Go and find out where Alan is. - Right.

218. - Roy? - Yeah?

219. - W-w-warm in here, isn't it? - No, I'm fine.

220. You sure? Slip your jacket off. You'll feel t'benefit outside.

221. - No, honestly. - Sure?

222. - Thanks for asking. - Yeah?

223. Yeah.

224. Do you... do you like the club? The room and that?

225. Yeah... yeah,

226. I like it, I like it, I like the way you've got the...

227. - The... - Say what you see, Roy.

228. Say what you see, eh?

229. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and my pleasure

230. to welcome you all to the gala opening night of...

231. the Phoenix Club!

232. A very special occasion and because of that tonight there'll be no bingo.

233. (All) Ohh! (Man) Bloody hell!

234. Without further ado, will you welcome on stage

235. the best backing in clubland, it is Les Alanos!

236. Please welcome to the stage,

237. your host with the most, the compere without compare,

238. your very own Jerry "The Saint" St Clair!

239. Welcome to the show.

240. Let's get the show on the road, here we go, join in.

241. This one you'll know and love. Here we go.

242. (Audience) Ohh...

243. Kenny? The bloody power's gone!

244. - (Booing) - (Jerry) We'll sort it out.

245. We'll be back in a few minutes.

246. - (Max) 'Can you hear me now?' - Yeah, where are you?

247. 'I'm on the bus - Look, I'm here!

248. 'Hey, look, I'm on the bus! He-ey!

249. 'Look, I'm on the bus! Hey!'

250. - There you go. - Thank you.

251. - Reminds you of t'war, don't it? - (Laughing)

252. Oh, that's the toilet.

253. - What's the damage? - I got a shock!

254. Shut up, you girl. Where's Les and Alan?

255. Me decks aren't working! It's ridiculous!

256. It's unprofessional! You can stick your disco!

257. Who is that?

258. - This it? - Pack that in!

259. - You trying to kill me? - That one?

260. - Brian, this is Ray Von. - Ray who?

261. - Von. As in rave on! - Is he a turn?

262. No, a spark. Tell him what you said.

263. You've overloaded your main circuit. Too many bulbs.

264. I said that! Can you fix that?

265. I wouldn't know where to begin.

266. - I'll pay you. - I'll get the gear.

267. - I said... - You never said!

268. - ..I'm saying things! - Is it a three-day week?

269. - Who's that? - It's black as owt.

270. You'll be lucky to go on - power cut.

271. Nay, we durn't need electric, we're t'folk band.

272. Can you speak English?

273. (Posh voice) We're acoustic. Unplugged.

274. They're acoustic! Get 'em straight on!

275. We've no microphone.

276. There's old saying in show business - the show must go on.

277. So will you welcome on stage your very own Half A Shilling!

278. How's thou doin'?

279. (All) Fine!

280. A one, two, three, four...

281. Brian Potter?

282. Debra Quinn, Bolton Independent Leader.

283. Have you, er... got a problem with your electrics?

284. Oh, no, it's part of the show, these boys insist on it.

285. So there I was on the centre court - I'd not even been seeded!

286. Back on now.

287. - Should be right now. - Well done, son.

288. It's great how you keep up the Irish accent when you're not on the telly.

289. I am Irish, you know.

290. - Are you? - Aye.

291. - Not like that Gerry Adams. - He's Irish as well.

292. - Is he? - Aye.

293. Fair play to him.

294. Salt and vinegar?

295. Patrick, d'you want salt and vinegar?

296. 'Yeah, and tomato sauce.'

297. Yeah, and tomato sauce, please.

298. Tomato sauce...

299. Here you go. Next, please.

300. - Can I have a lightly battered? - OK, fine.

301. So your first club flooded, your second one burnt down,

302. - now you've rebuilt this. Why? - Third time lucky. (Laughs)

303. - Is there a future for clubs? - Clubland'll never die.

304. Always be as popular as ever.

305. But how will you compete with the more established clubs

306. - like the Banana Grove? - The Banana Grove?

307. Den Perry - Den of lniquity we call him.

308. Lap dancin' on the sabbath. Little kiddies... Disgrace.

309. The secret to a successful club is to cater for the family,

310. - nothing offensive, Donna. - Debra.

311. Whatever.

312. - How's tha doin'? - (All) We're doing fine!

313. This song's about when I asked me mam and dad

314. for some white Holy Communion shoes.

315. Times were hard. Dad had to work shifts to buy us those shoes.

316. Any road, when they come back

317. they weren't white, they were black,

318. so he said, "Send the buggers back!"

319. A one, two, three...

320. See, nothing offensive, nothing blue.

321. - No, just racist. ♪ He blew a bloody fuse

322. Get 'em off the stage! Kenny, get 'em off!

323. Get 'em off the stage!

324. Security!

325. Max! Max, get back here quick, it's kicking off!

326. (Panicked squeal) Get 'em off! Get 'em off the stage!

327. There you go! Half A Shilling! Let's hear it for 'em.

328. Half A Shilling.

329. (Jerry) All together now, here we go - chorus!

330. I can't hear you, you're mumbling!

331. Hey!

332. You're a gentleman, Roy.

333. Kenny, can you smell turps?

334. Listen, I'll ring you about that film with you and Nick Nolte.

335. You bailed us out tonight, is that what you do - you a sparky?

336. No, I'm a DJ. Electrics is just something I do.

337. - You got bookings? - No.

338. I've been out of the game for a while.

339. Why don't you, er, get a job here?

340. I don't think Jive Jive Bunny'll be coming back.

341. - Really? - Oh, aye.

342. - Cheers, thanks, Mr Potter. - OK.

343. The equipment's not up to much.

344. I'll sort that out. I build me own gear, lights, sound systems.

345. - Do you? - Yeah.

346. Couldn't look at our pot washer, could you?

347. - I'll have 'mares, you know. - How do you think it went?

348. Couldn't have gone better!

349. A power cut and a singalong with Combat 18.

350. I can't wait for tomorrow's papers.

351. "New Club In Racist Riots!" It'll ruin us!

352. They had nothing to do with us.

353. - You booked 'em! - Me?

354. The only good thing was Ray Beam or whatever he's called.

355. He's solid gold, that lad.

356. Oh, and you, Alan "Stranrae" Johnson!

357. Today of all days, driving!

358. What's he doin'?

359. He's brought the chips, he's brought 'em and dropped 'em!

360. Why do I pay you two good money?

361. - (Groans) - Look at this!

362. - (Brian) Get up! - Where's the tomato sauce?

363. (Brian) You act like bloody children!

364. (Brian) The power's gone again. That's twice now.

365. Where's that wire go?

366. The bloody club's wired to the lamppost!

367. Has Ray Von done that? Where's he learnt that?

368. Off the waltzers. He worked on the fairs.

369. He's a gyppo? Oh, my... We're cursed!

370. He'll be Tarmacking the car park and selling us pegs!

371. That were all years ago, he's changed.

372. - Since he got out of prison. - Prison? Prison?

373. - Do you not remember him? - I do not!

374. - He went out with Tracy Burns. - Tracy who?

375. I don't know no Tracy Burns.

376. She won that Junior Talent that year.

377. - With the Hula Hoop. - Oh, young Tracy?

378. - I've not seen her for years. - I know. He killed her.

379. - Next! - What?

380. - (Brian) Next! - What?

381. - (Fires toy ray gun) - I can't hear you!

382. Here y'are.