1. (DJ) 'You're Listening
to Chorley FM.
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2. 'I'm Paul LeRoy comin' in your ears
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3. 'and here's Yazz and she's goin' up!
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4. 'The Phoenix Club in Bolton
has its grand reopening tonight
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5. 'with chart-topping pop folk band
Half A Shilling
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6. 'and TV's own Roy
"It's The Way I Tell 'Em" Walker
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7. 'cutting the ribbon at 7:30.
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8. 'Tickets are £15,
including supper and bingo.'
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9. - Hello?
- Hello?
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10. - You've just been on the radio!
- Did they mention the prices?
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11. - Yeah, they did. Where are you?
- Behind you. I'm comin' in now.
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12. - Get me chair ready.
- Kenny, get his chair ready.
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13. - What do you think?
- You'll need more bulbs.
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14. Think Las Vegas.
A couple missing there.
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15. - Where?
- At the back there.
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16. You wanna see it for miles around.
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17. Opening night tonight!
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18. I can't... I can't hear no bangin'.
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19. - Where's Rafferty?
- On his dinner.
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20. Dinner? It's half past ten!
Look, this is a disgrace.
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21. We've got VIPs coming tonight.
That should be...
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22. Where is she?
Who?
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23. Holy Mary.
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24. - What are all these about?
- You said banners.
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25. I said... Don't wind me up,
not today. Get 'em down.
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26. - What, here?
- "Make it right, see the light."
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27. Pop 'em or sling 'em.
It's a club, not a mosque!
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28. - Brian, they're doing no harm.
- Tell that to Cat Stevens.
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29. We'll be servin'
holy tonic water next.
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30. - God loves you.
- Oh? Funny way of showing it.
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31. Rafferty!
I'll... I'll bloody kill him!
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32. Oh, you're 'ere!
Nice of you to pop in.
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33. That phone's not stopped.
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34. I've enough to do
without being your secretary.
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35. Mayor's office have confirmed,
local papers are coming down,
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36. Eric's sending a fruit machine,
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37. Roy Walker's comin' at six
and t'pot washer won't work.
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38. - Where is the lazy sod?
- Motor's playin' up.
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39. And think again
if you think I'm using these.
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40. 17 quid these, each.
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41. - Where's the Saint?
- Where d'you think?
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42. - Jerry?
- What?
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43. - How long you gonna be?
- How long's a piece of string?
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44. - What string?
- It's a saying.
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45. Balls to that!
Have you phoned the band?
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46. No, not yet.
Look, I've had some bad reports.
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47. The Vulcan had 'em last week
and there was nearly a riot.
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48. With Half A Shilling?
They're a folk band, not The Who.
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49. Flat caps and clogs,
this lot'll lap it up.
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50. Anyway, they've been
booked for months.
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51. - I've got a bad feeling.
- It's your arse. Get 'em rung.
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52. And we should have
had a support for £15.
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53. They've got enough - free bingo
and a pasty and pea supper.
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54. - I'm not sure.
- I am.
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55. Stop crappin', get cracking.
We've work to do. Avanti!
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56. (Man) It's the last one.
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57. I don't care if
it's the last of the Mohicans,
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58. - I ordered The Matrix, not Das Boot.
- It was a classic film!
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59. You take it for your front room,
impress your friends.
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60. I don't gamble.
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61. Neither do I -
that, my friend, is a gamble.
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62. Where's Eric?
I wanna speak to the organist.
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63. - He's busy.
- I'm busy! What?
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64. - What door do you want me on?
- Not now, Captain. I'm busy too.
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65. I'll give you a fortnight free.
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66. Make it a month.
Stick it in the Pennine Suite.
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67. Oh, where the hell have you been?
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68. - Getting supplies.
- What for, your gut?
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69. I don't know if you've heard
but we open tonight.
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70. Don't worry, it'll all be sorted.
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71. I might agree
but I'm not as feng shui.
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72. Now get the rest of
the Village People inside.
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73. Oi, oi, oi, this way.
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74. Kenny, get me Zantac,
I'm fillin' up.
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75. And me! Get me and all!
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76. Come on. Pennine Suite, dickhead.
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77. - Hiya, Jed.
- Hiya.
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78. - Les. Seen the bingo machine?
- You seen Alan?
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79. - Why, has he got it?
- No, he's not.
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80. What's up?
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81. - He should be here by now.
- Where is he?
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82. Driving - long haul from Stranrae.
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83. Stranrae? In Scotland?
Does Potter know?
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84. Who's gonna do t'keyboards
for my opening number?
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85. (Les) He'll be here.
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86. Spencer, did you find us all right?
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87. - Yeah, just about.
- Jerry, Spencer.
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88. - He's doing the disco.
- All right, Jerry?
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89. You havin' a sale, son?
Cos we've not got a CD player.
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90. He jumps on me bike,
I slip me jacket off,
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91. he went down,
I went in with me boot.
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92. - Nowt wrong with that.
- Quick scissor kick.
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93. See, that's why I don't
go to parents' evenings,
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94. they get me angry, know what I mean?
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95. - Up you go.
- Up YOU go, not me.
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96. - Why not?
- Two words. Falklands.
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97. - What door am I on?
- Sod off.
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98. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
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99. Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans,
what's going on?
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100. Wh... Are my eyes dreaming,
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101. or have you got
two builders singing Acapulco?
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102. No, it's me new opening
for tonight.
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103. There's not gonna be an opening,
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104. not with the pissing
Lighthouse Family up there
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105. singing instead of graftin'!
Where's Alan? Well, Lesley?
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106. - Stranrae.
- Where?
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107. Stranrae!
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108. Stranrae?
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109. In Scotland? Today? Stranrae?
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110. Ooh, me angina. You're killin' me.
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111. Wanna sing at me funeral, lads?
Cos it's comin'.
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112. Not responding. He probably
can't get a signal in Stranrae!
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113. Balls to you. Can we close
the circus and open the club?
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114. The man from
the brewery's here!
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115. Kenny, give these to Max
and Paddy - headsets. No buts.
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116. Anything else?
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117. Somebody's nicked the bingo machine.
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118. Let's get ready to rumble!
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119. Lesley, can I have a word?
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120. - You holding these or what?
- Shut up. Stop moanin'.
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121. - Chuck us that hammer.
- Here.
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122. - You goin' bald?
- No.
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123. - I can see your head.
- It's always been like that.
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124. - Since when?
- Me hair's very fine.
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125. I don't know about fine, it's thin.
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126. - It's not thin.
- It's anorexic.
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127. - Shut it!
- Oi, dickhead!
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128. Brian says you gotta wear these.
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129. - What are they?
- Headsets.
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130. - Headsets?
- Sets? For your head?
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131. It's all there, "Grand gala opening".
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132. - Yeah, very good. Who's Brain?
- Brain?
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133. Brain Potter. Brain Potter.
And on the back, Brain Potter.
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134. Brain on the front,
Brain on the back. Disgrace.
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135. - Pop-up.
- Pop-up? What club's that?
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136. Whose club's that?
That's not my club, son.
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137. Er...
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138. - Da-daa!
- Who's that supposed to be?
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139. - It's you.
- Get it off. Get it off now.
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140. Stick 'em up your arse.
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141. I know why you won't wear 'em -
you don't wanna mess your hair.
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142. What hair you've got left.
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143. - Don't.
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144. Eh... baldy?
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145. - Baldy bouncer.
- Leave it.
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146. Baldy, baldy. Baldy.
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147. Baldy, baldy, baldy...
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148. Leave it!
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149. That's it.
Every last one of 'em.
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150. What were that?
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151. (Man) Is he all right? Was he fell?
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152. Jesus Christ... Help me.
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153. - Get up, you girl.
- Help me...
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154. - My window!
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155. Whoa! Can you move back, please?
Can you move back, please?
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156. 15 quid a ticket?
Why can't we go round there?
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157. It's for VIPs only, love.
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158. Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this.
We're penned in here like cows.
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159. 'Punch her in the face.'
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160. Let's get on
with the ribbon. Ten!
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161. Nine! Eight!
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162. Seven! Six!
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163. Five! Four!
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164. Three! Two! One!
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165. Look at the lights!
Oi, love, look at the lights!
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166. Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy,
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167. welcome to the Phoenix Club!
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168. Make your way to the Pennine Suite.
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169. Canapes will be served forthwith.
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170. Eyeball, I've got a convoy here.
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171. - '10-4, rubber dick.'
- Eh, less of the rubber dick...
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172. baldy.
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173. Hold it, whoa, what's goin' on here?
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174. 30 pence apiece,
and don't forget the raffle.
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175. - 20 pence...
- Is Alan here yet?
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176. Tell Alan he'll be playin'
his organ down the bloody Job Club.
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177. You hear me?
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178. Evenin', ladies.
No concealed weapons, I hope?
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179. There you go. That's it, in you pop.
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180. That's the way.
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181. Lordy, I wouldn't mind
hangin' out of that.
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182. 'And that.'
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183. What's goin' on here?
Can I get through?
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184. - What's goin' on, Captain?
- Who's signin' this lot in?
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185. That's TV's own Roy Walker, that!
Go on through, Roy.
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186. Can you get through?
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187. Let's get ready to rumble!
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188. All right, comin' up now,
a classic hit,
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189. Aled Jones singin' that...
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190. Walking In The Air song,
classic. Here we go.
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191. (DJ) There we go. In the air.
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192. Listen to his high voice.
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193. ♪ Walking in the air
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194. - Sorry about the smell of gloss.
- That's all right.
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195. - We just had it tarted up.
- Nice.
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196. - D'you like it?
- Yeah.
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197. - How's TV goin'?
- All right, you know.
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198. - Is Catchphrase coming back?
- I don't do that any more.
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199. - Really?
- No, no.
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200. So you've pissed on your Mr Chips?
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201. - 'Patrick, can you hear me?'
- 'Yeah.'
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202. - 'Can you hear me now?'
- 'Hear you? I can see you!'
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203. - 'Can you hear me now?'
- 'You'll have to go further.
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204. - 'They're dear, these.'
- 'Can you hear me now?'
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205. Know what I mean?
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206. Oh, 'ey up, hello, Billy.
Like your glasses.
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207. Hey, the glamour girls are in.
All right, Moira.
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208. - How's Ron, still in hospital?
- No.
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209. - Oh, that's good news.
- He's dead.
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210. So, there we go, Aled Jones and
that classic Walking In The Air.
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211. He was actually flying,
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212. it's a complete misnomer
on every conceivable level.
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213. Now here we go with Paul
Hardcastle's anti-war song, 19.
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214. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen.
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215. We should've started by now.
ls Alan here yet?
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216. No. But the band are.
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217. - Go and find out where Alan is.
- Right.
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218. - Roy?
- Yeah?
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219. - W-w-warm in here, isn't it?
- No, I'm fine.
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220. You sure? Slip your jacket off.
You'll feel t'benefit outside.
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221. - No, honestly.
- Sure?
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222. - Thanks for asking.
- Yeah?
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223. Yeah.
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224. Do you... do you like the club?
The room and that?
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225. Yeah... yeah,
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226. I like it, I like it,
I like the way you've got the...
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227. - The...
- Say what you see, Roy.
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228. Say what you see, eh?
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229. Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my privilege and my pleasure
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230. to welcome you all to
the gala opening night of...
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231. the Phoenix Club!
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232. A very special occasion and because
of that tonight there'll be no bingo.
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233. (All) Ohh!
(Man) Bloody hell!
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234. Without further ado,
will you welcome on stage
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235. the best backing in clubland,
it is Les Alanos!
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236. Please welcome to the stage,
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237. your host with the most,
the compere without compare,
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238. your very own
Jerry "The Saint" St Clair!
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239. Welcome to the show.
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240. Let's get the show on the road,
here we go, join in.
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241. This one you'll know and love.
Here we go.
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242. Ohh...
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243. Kenny? The bloody power's gone!
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244. - We'll sort it out.
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245. We'll be back in a few minutes.
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246. - (Max) 'Can you hear me now?'
- Yeah, where are you?
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247. 'I'm on the bus - Look, I'm here!
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248. 'Hey, look, I'm on the bus! He-ey!
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249. 'Look, I'm on the bus! Hey!'
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250. - There you go.
- Thank you.
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251. - Reminds you of t'war, don't it?
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252. Oh, that's the toilet.
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253. - What's the damage?
- I got a shock!
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254. Shut up, you girl.
Where's Les and Alan?
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255. Me decks aren't working!
It's ridiculous!
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256. It's unprofessional!
You can stick your disco!
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257. Who is that?
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258. - This it?
- Pack that in!
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259. - You trying to kill me?
- That one?
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260. - Brian, this is Ray Von.
- Ray who?
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261. - Von. As in rave on!
- Is he a turn?
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262. No, a spark. Tell him what you said.
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263. You've overloaded your
main circuit. Too many bulbs.
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264. I said that! Can you fix that?
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265. I wouldn't know where to begin.
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266. - I'll pay you.
- I'll get the gear.
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267. - I said...
- You never said!
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268. - ..I'm saying things!
- Is it a three-day week?
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269. - Who's that?
- It's black as owt.
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270. You'll be lucky to go on - power cut.
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271. Nay, we durn't need electric,
we're t'folk band.
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272. Can you speak English?
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273. We're acoustic.
Unplugged.
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274. They're acoustic!
Get 'em straight on!
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275. We've no microphone.
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276. There's old saying in show business -
the show must go on.
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277. So will you welcome on stage
your very own Half A Shilling!
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278. How's thou doin'?
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279. (All) Fine!
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280. A one, two, three, four...
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281. Brian Potter?
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282. Debra Quinn,
Bolton Independent Leader.
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283. Have you, er... got
a problem with your electrics?
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284. Oh, no, it's part of the show,
these boys insist on it.
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285. So there I was on the centre court -
I'd not even been seeded!
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286. Back on now.
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287. - Should be right now.
- Well done, son.
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288. It's great how you keep up the Irish
accent when you're not on the telly.
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289. I am Irish, you know.
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290. - Are you?
- Aye.
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291. - Not like that Gerry Adams.
- He's Irish as well.
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292. - Is he?
- Aye.
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293. Fair play to him.
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294. Salt and vinegar?
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295. Patrick,
d'you want salt and vinegar?
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296. 'Yeah, and tomato sauce.'
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297. Yeah, and tomato sauce, please.
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298. Tomato sauce...
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299. Here you go. Next, please.
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300. - Can I have a lightly battered?
- OK, fine.
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301. So your first club flooded,
your second one burnt down,
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302. - now you've rebuilt this. Why?
- Third time lucky.
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303. - Is there a future for clubs?
- Clubland'll never die.
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304. Always be as popular as ever.
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305. But how will you compete with
the more established clubs
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306. - like the Banana Grove?
- The Banana Grove?
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307. Den Perry -
Den of lniquity we call him.
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308. Lap dancin' on the sabbath.
Little kiddies... Disgrace.
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309. The secret to a successful club
is to cater for the family,
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310. - nothing offensive, Donna.
- Debra.
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311. Whatever.
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312. - How's tha doin'?
- (All) We're doing fine!
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313. This song's about
when I asked me mam and dad
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314. for some white Holy Communion shoes.
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315. Times were hard. Dad had to work
shifts to buy us those shoes.
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316. Any road, when they come back
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317. they weren't white, they were black,
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318. so he said, "Send the buggers back!"
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319. A one, two, three...
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320. See, nothing offensive, nothing blue.
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321. - No, just racist.
♪ He blew a bloody fuse
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322. Get 'em off the stage!
Kenny, get 'em off!
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323. Get 'em off the stage!
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324. Security!
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325. Max! Max, get back here quick,
it's kicking off!
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326. Get 'em off!
Get 'em off the stage!
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327. There you go! Half A Shilling!
Let's hear it for 'em.
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328. Half A Shilling.
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329. All together now,
here we go - chorus!
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330. I can't hear you, you're mumbling!
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331. Hey!
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332. You're a gentleman, Roy.
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333. Kenny, can you smell turps?
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334. Listen, I'll ring you about that
film with you and Nick Nolte.
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335. You bailed us out tonight,
is that what you do - you a sparky?
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336. No, I'm a DJ.
Electrics is just something I do.
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337. - You got bookings?
- No.
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338. I've been out of the game
for a while.
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339. Why don't you, er, get a job here?
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340. I don't think
Jive Jive Bunny'll be coming back.
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341. - Really?
- Oh, aye.
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342. - Cheers, thanks, Mr Potter.
- OK.
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343. The equipment's not up to much.
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344. I'll sort that out. I build me
own gear, lights, sound systems.
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345. - Do you?
- Yeah.
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346. Couldn't look at
our pot washer, could you?
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347. - I'll have 'mares, you know.
- How do you think it went?
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348. Couldn't have gone better!
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349. A power cut and
a singalong with Combat 18.
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350. I can't wait for tomorrow's papers.
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351. "New Club In Racist Riots!"
It'll ruin us!
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352. They had nothing to do with us.
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353. - You booked 'em!
- Me?
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354. The only good thing was Ray Beam
or whatever he's called.
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355. He's solid gold, that lad.
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356. Oh, and you, Alan "Stranrae" Johnson!
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357. Today of all days, driving!
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358. What's he doin'?
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359. He's brought the chips,
he's brought 'em and dropped 'em!
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360. Why do I pay you two good money?
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361. - Look at this!
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362. - Get up!
- Where's the tomato sauce?
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363. You act like bloody children!
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364. The power's gone again.
That's twice now.
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365. Where's that wire go?
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366. The bloody club's
wired to the lamppost!
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367. Has Ray Von done that?
Where's he learnt that?
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368. Off the waltzers.
He worked on the fairs.
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369. He's a gyppo? Oh, my... We're cursed!
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370. He'll be Tarmacking the car park
and selling us pegs!
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371. That were all years ago,
he's changed.
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372. - Since he got out of prison.
- Prison? Prison?
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373. - Do you not remember him?
- I do not!
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374. - He went out with Tracy Burns.
- Tracy who?
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375. I don't know no Tracy Burns.
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376. She won that Junior Talent that year.
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377. - With the Hula Hoop.
- Oh, young Tracy?
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378. - I've not seen her for years.
- I know. He killed her.
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379. - Next!
- What?
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380. - Next!
- What?
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381. - I can't hear you!
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382. Here y'are.
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