Penn & Teller: Bull! 3x7

1. Hi, I'm Penn and this is my partner, Teller.

2. If you're thinking the so-called Patriot Act is shredded, what was left

3. of the Bill of rights and give it even more power to the government?

4. You're probably right.

5. If you suspect shadowy figures may be following

6. your every move with new high tech surveillance equipment.

7. Well, right and right.

8. So it's all over.

9. Freedom's dead.

10. There's nothing you can do that can't be tracked.

11. Big brother is bullshit.

12. I. Can get.

13. Here.

14. Boo boo.

15. Boo boo.

16. You. On September 11th,

17. 19 religious fanatics with a very well-executed, faith based initiative

18. killed thousands of our citizens and scared the shit out of the rest of us.

19. The number one priority of this government and the future governments

20. will be to protect the American people against terrorist attack.

21. We have no way of stopping it.

22. Complete fear and chaos.

23. There are serious reasons to be afraid.

24. What the hell are we going to do?

25. What does an actual congressman have to say?

26. Almost

27. immediately after the events of nine over 11,

28. the Department of Justice came to us in the Congress and said,

29. these terrorists succeeded because we didn't

30. have we in the government did not have sufficient power to stop them.

31. And we therefore need the Congress to pass legislation correcting

32. these deficiencies in previous law and giving us the government more power.

33. So just six weeks after the attack on the World Trade Center,

34. Congress passed a new law called Uniting and Strengthening America by providing

35. appropriate tools required to Intercept

36. and Obstruct Terrorism act of 2001.

37. The Patriot Act sure

38. is the axis of evil for bad acronyms.

39. And this guy voted for it.

40. Why the hell would a real live U.S.

41. congressman appear on our bullshit show?

42. I'm Bob Barr.

43. I served in the Congress for eight years.

44. Now I don't. Bingo.

45. You might remember, Barr is the Republican representative who, back in 1999,

46. was concerned either with Bill Clinton's cock or the fact

47. that the president lied under oath.

48. I am, I'm not sure which it was so damn long ago.

49. But as a member of the House Judiciary Committee, Barr

50. became an important supporter of the uniting and strengthening America.

51. But now, fuck it, the Patriot Act.

52. I voted for the Patriot Act because of assurances

53. from the administration that would be used very narrowly,

54. and only for cases involving legitimate acts of terrorism.

55. Assurance is used narrowly. Sucker.

56. What else did the Patriot Act promise, Mr.

57. Ex-Congressman?

58. It did increase the numbers, for example, of federal agents and key areas.

59. Border, immigration, for example, that have been deficient in prior years.

60. We can get more federal agents. Wow.

61. What do we have to give in return?

62. We have to give the government more power.

63. But what power?

64. The Patriot Act is an act to deter and punish terrorist

65. acts in the United States and around the world.

66. To enhance law enforcement, investigatory tools, and for other purposes.

67. Other purposes?

68. What the fuck is that all about?

69. Other purposes.

70. You shouldn't

71. even allow that kind of loose language in a fucking gym membership contract.

72. If we're going to give the government

73. more power, we thought we should find out how people handle power.

74. So we decided to try one of our infamous unscientific bullshit experiments.

75. We set up shop in this Los Angeles residential neighborhood.

76. At this house across the street, we put this van

77. and rigged it with a camera on the roof and a control room inside as follows.

78. A nice touch, isn't it? Our bullshit story.

79. But this man, our pal Mark, worked for B s s

80. a division of the Department of Homeland Security.

81. And then we needed the suspicious house and the suspicious car in the driveway.

82. Watched.

83. We brought in the finest unemployed and unsuspecting

84. would be government employees with an ad on the website Craigslist.

85. And then we proceeded to fuck with them.

86. We told our government workers and a suspected terrorist was in the house,

87. and we wanted to get him on tape before he got into his car and left.

88. You get a terrorist on tape, you know, you steal part of their soul.

89. Now that's the guy's car.

90. We gave them some basic instructions.

91. There is a microphone on the, camera itself.

92. Made sure they knew how to use everything.

93. All right, so now here is your camera control.

94. All right?

95. Yeah, just like the game.

96. It's just like the game. Killzone.

97. That's exactly what it's like.

98. Yeah, and laid down the law.

99. We've got probable cause to look at this house button, but nothing else.

100. Then we left them alone in the sneaky.

101. Very good deal.

102. Thank you. Hey.

103. God bless America.

104. Damn right. All right.

105. We made sure nothing much happened for a while.

106. Then, just when boredom was setting in.

107. Hey, Tim.

108. Wow. Unless you want to see you.

109. She doesn't look like a terrorist.

110. No, I'm right outside. Come on, get out here.

111. I'm gonna fuck you now.

112. But that's what terrorist sound like, right?

113. Actually, she's an actress we hire.

114. The scariest thing she's done was the film Saddle Tramps.

115. Now, remember, our guinea pigs are the ones controlling this camera.

116. Really?

117. If they move the shot away from the terrorist house

118. to watch the sexy girl, they may not be breaking the law,

119. but they're putting America at risk by peaking right?

120. So what's it gonna be?

121. Sexy girl or America?

122. I'm so fucking horny right now.

123. What are you doing? You cannot be here. Yup.

124. He's with us, too. Yeah. Had so much fun with this.

125. It almost makes up for the two hours we spent with Noam Chomsky.

126. I told you, I am, I am married.

127. All right, listen.

128. Nobody breaks up with me.

129. And you are the best fucking sex that I have ever had.

130. And I am not letting you go absolutely anywhere.

131. Kill zone guy. Chose the sexy girl. I'm coming.

132. I was out in front of it.

133. This guy had a sexy girl.

134. And America at the same time.

135. Finally a professional.

136. We think this chick wanted

137. to watch the sexy girl, but just couldn't figure out how to use the camera.

138. I'm going to get laid tonight.

139. You are going to fuck me so goddamn hard.

140. Get your ass out here.

141. And this guy chose the sex.

142. Nope. Changed his mind.

143. He chose America. Really? He chose America.

144. He immigrated here from Kenya, and we're damned happy to have him. Yep.

145. You got to go to Kenya for a real American who can follow fucking directions.

146. We're all like this American.

147. We'd have nothing to worry about.

148. But we're not.

149. Look, it's no surprise that, four out of five

150. security deputies broke our bullshit rules.

151. It's great news.

152. The U.S.A. is a really safe place to be.

153. And no matter how much people try to scare us, we know that in our hearts,

154. we're betting that if the Jews of Nazi Germany were asked to watch

155. a security camera, they wouldn't be swinging the camera away.

156. But we're in no real danger.

157. We know we aren't in much danger.

158. Even if our bullshit boss tells us we are.

159. All right, look, we just.

160. Let's just make this quick.

161. Just roll real fast for a minute.

162. Man. It sure is a little sexier than watching a car.

163. Don't you think?

164. We'll come back later.

165. We promise.

166. We want to know more about the shady Patriot Act and that phrase.

167. Other purposes.

168. So we found a guy who actually helped write the damn thing.

169. The common theme to the Patriot Act is slightly expanding

170. government powers, often simply responding to changes in technology.

171. This is Orin Kerr.

172. He's a law professor, used to work for the Justice Department.

173. Assholes are lining up to do this show now.

174. Most of the provisions of the Patriot Act, about 95% of them are uncontroversial.

175. no one disagrees with them.

176. Even if that were true, and it isn't.

177. There's still these 5% of the Patriot Act people don't agree with.

178. What is it?

179. 5% say we asked. Amy Goodman.

180. She's that rarest of breeds.

181. A liberal radio host.

182. In section 215 of the Patriot Act.

183. It says that federal authorities can go to.

184. Oh, I know, I know.

185. To any cave in Afghanistan in which a Salman bin laden

186. might be hiding so they can stick grenades up his ass.

187. Okay. Roll the tape.

188. Go to a librarian or bookshop owner and demand to know what a patron has read.

189. Fuck. Now they'll find out.

190. I read the entire Nancy Drew series as an adult.

191. I'm going to prison.

192. The USA

193. Patriot Act allows for the sneak and peek operations.

194. You could go away for the day.

195. You wouldn't even know that the federal authorities had visited your home.

196. But I'm sure

197. all those congressmen read it closely to make sure things were on the up and up.

198. Most Congress members admit that they never even read it.

199. And there's the good news the people who want more info

200. about every little thing the 300 million people in the U.S.

201. are up to, can't be bothered to read a fucking 300 page report.

202. The same impotent bureaucrats who can't agree on school

203. lunches are in charge of national security.

204. The truth is, it isn't the poets, intellectuals,

205. or freedom fighters who are protecting us from our government.

206. It's pure incompetence.

207. The lawmakers didn't even read the law before they passed it.

208. Assholes.

209. All that protects us from their evil is their incompetence.

210. Tattoo that on your ass backwards.

211. You can read it in the mirror.

212. But under

213. the USA Patriot Act, among other things.

214. you can now have people who are tried on

215. a military barge off the coast, a U.S.

216. military barge off our coast, or some other country.

217. They could be tried by a military tribunal.

218. We wouldn't know the charges against them, let alone the evidence.

219. They could be convicted.

220. They could be sentenced to death by this military tribunal and thrown overboard.

221. And we wouldn't even know their names.

222. Holy Jesus, Mary the Jew.

223. Is that really true?

224. The claim that people can be tried in secret on a barge under

225. the patriarchy is simply false.

226. Who to believe?

227. If this comes down to one of us

228. having to read the fucking Patriot Act, there's going to be hell to pay.

229. I believe that the Patriot Act, as it has been

230. defined and implemented since

231. shortly after 9/11, is a very modest set of steps

232. to try to protect the American people in a very dangerous situation.

233. This is Frank Gaffney.

234. He's a national security expert who worked under Ronald Reagan

235. in the 1980s, writes for The Washington Times and appears frequently on Fox News.

236. So he's probably fair and well, you know.

237. People ask,

238. why should we accept

239. any of the constraints that the Patriot Act entails?

240. First, we are at war.

241. Second, we're at war.

242. And third, we are at war.

243. And what are the three most important things

244. to being called an asshole on this show?

245. Location. Location. Location.

246. Do we really want libraries to be sanctuaries for terror?

247. Terrorists didn't flight libraries into the Twin Towers?

248. The main problem with the Patriot Act is that it gives

249. law enforcement power to do things that it hasn't been able to do before.

250. Okay, good.

251. She seems sane.

252. We get we get freaked out

253. when we're the most levelheaded people we can find on our show.

254. This is Marsha Hoffman.

255. She's a lawyer who works to preserve constitutional rights.

256. Many provisions of the Patriot Act had actually been debated in Congress

257. before, and ultimately rejected because,

258. it was determined before nine over 11 that they were just too far reaching,

259. that they gave the government too much power.

260. And what does the man who voted for the Patriot Act have to say for himself now?

261. What has been particularly problematic about the Patriot Act is

262. it is tilted, the balance of power, way too far in the direction of government

263. power at the expense of personal liberty, civil liberties and personal privacy.

264. What? That's right.

265. After voting for the Patriot Act

266. and seeing how it's been used, Bob Barr regrets his vote.

267. Not as much as we do.

268. The government used the emergency presented by nine over 11

269. to get more powers because previously

270. in a non-emergency situation, they hadn't been able to.

271. It is an immutable law of the universe that if you give government power,

272. it uses it.

273. So how is the government using this Patriot Act power?

274. Well, in December 2003, the FBI forced Las Vegas hotels

275. to turn the information on over 300,000 guests.

276. Oddly, 260,000 of those guests were named Smith.

277. You're telling me that

278. all these people were involved in some terrorist investigation?

279. What happens in Vegas stays with the FBI.

280. How many

281. other innocent Smith have been affected by the Patriot Act?

282. Nobody knows except the Justice Department.

283. And they're not quacking.

284. But that doesn't bother this asshole.

285. I think we really are at risk.

286. We are in the middle of a war.

287. And as in the past, when we were in the middle

288. of the war, elected representatives.

289. So the people have made decisions about certain infringements

290. upon our civil liberties.

291. But just admit the Patriot Act does what we think it does play that back.

292. Certain infringements upon our civil liberties.

293. There it is, hanging out there all pink and naked.

294. No big deal.

295. Infringements always turn out well.

296. The Japanese Americans, we imprisoned for four years during World War two.

297. They didn't seem to mind the infringement.

298. Oh, wait.

299. That's backwards.

300. They did fucking mind it. Got it.

301. We all fucking mind it.

302. Americans should never, ever

303. be willing to give up our freedoms.

304. If you give up your liberties and your rights

305. in a time of crisis, you will never get them back.

306. So we lose a little freedom.

307. What is it we're really afraid of? What is freedom?

308. We're not terrorists.

309. So what do we care if they spy on us?

310. Big brother is a lame ass game show.

311. Government is surely only looking out for our good.

312. They know what's best for us.

313. They always act with our best interest in mind.

314. Thanks, man.

315. I love you.

316. Up to ten, 20, 30 times a day.

317. New Yorkers are videotaped without realizing it.

318. This is Bill Brown.

319. If anyone worries about the threat of Big Brother, it's this guy.

320. He's a founder of the surveillance camera players.

321. They put on plates in front of New York City security cameras.

322. It's their special way of saying fuck you.

323. The people who want to watch us 24/7.

324. Here's one of their off off, off under Broadway performances of George

325. Orwell's 1984.

326. Sure, it beats the fuck out of Mamma mia!

327. In addition to playing the leading skull on the road tour,

328. Bill leads weekly walking tours of the city's cameras.

329. Here's a camera laboring in anonymity.

330. It's hidden in such a way that you can't really see it.

331. Brown estimates

332. there are 8000 surveillance cameras on the island of Manhattan.

333. Three.

334. And their numbers are growing quickly.

335. This building, with its two cameras

336. every 20 or 30ft or so.

337. This is what new York is going to look like in the future.

338. And not a far off future either.

339. The future already

340. exists over in London, where there are 1.5 million surveillance cameras.

341. That's one camera for every five people.

342. So whether you're playing hooky from work at the local pub or

343. just avoiding your dentist appointment, the authorities could know about it.

344. If they're not too busy watching your neighbors fuck.

345. And America's not far behind.

346. The police have installed elaborate surveillance camera networks in

347. Los Angeles, Boston, Chicago, and especially our nation's capital.

348. So these things must make us really safe, right?

349. There were surveillance cameras at the airports

350. where the 9/11 terrorists boarded the airplanes.

351. It didn't stop them from doing what they did.

352. No cameras can't stop terrorists weapons.

353. Civilians with weapons on the plane would have stopped the terrorists.

354. But Marshall thinks maybe the cameras have some other purposes.

355. When people are recorded all the time, everywhere they are,

356. they become desensitized to it and are, you know, more willing to accept it

357. as the norm and willing to, later accept more

358. egregious violations of their privacy?

359. Which brings us back to our bullshit terrorist stakeout.

360. Here they are.

361. Now that our soft core porn players are inside,

362. they have a constitutional right to their privacy.

363. Full. Our security personnel respect that.

364. Will they get back to the heavy load of protecting America?

365. Can we trust any American not born in Kenya?

366. Let's find out who's this?

367. My six year old.

368. Oh. Why?

369. You're surprised.

370. My boobies. Think about you all the time.

371. Who knew it was easier to write insightful comments

372. about our constitutional rights than natural sounding fuck dialog?

373. Yeah, I like it.

374. This girl really wanted to watch, but she still couldn't

375. figure out how to use the camera.

376. But lucky for us all, this guy knew how to use the camera.

377. And we're betting he's not thinking about our constitution. Oh,

378. wait, where are you putting that? oh.

379. You caught me hotter than a frying pan.

380. Health wife can never work your ass like that.

381. Takes us.

382. I love her.

383. Hey, where the hell are you going?

384. Oh, wait, wait. He's.

385. He's protecting our freedom. Good man.

386. We'll come back and consummate this cheesy but very constitutional,

387. insightful demonstration. Later.

388. This is Richard Hamacher.

389. He's an engineer.

390. Looks like a nice guy.

391. He's about to scare the living shit out of you.

392. So he's invented something called the Roadrunner system.

393. It's pretty cool if you're a dickless bureaucrat who loves to spy.

394. Richard has built a mechanical private dick.

395. A virtual vibrator to make your nosy ass squeal with delight.

396. The system uses the global positioning satellites to get its location.

397. It then takes that data and transmits it over the cellular phone network.

398. That data is interpreted, interpolated by our network

399. and made available through the internet.

400. Crazy ass engineers always have a way with words.

401. GPS is that handy gadget in fancy cars.

402. It tells you where you are.

403. As if that ever matter to you.

404. But Richard has this little box that tells him where you are.

405. Fuck.

406. There's really no way anybody can escape the eye of this system.

407. Because it works on all of North America.

408. Dumb fuck with a scoop of ice cream.

409. We wanted to see how Richard's thingy worked,

410. so we asked Richard to track our production assistant,

411. Terry as he went on the run.

412. We follow behind with a camera to make sure Richard wasn't bullshitting us.

413. There he goes.

414. He's, leaving the parking lot now.

415. Yep. There goes Terry.

416. Hard working, diligent model employee.

417. Terry.

418. We like Terry.

419. And there he is.

420. He's heading down DeSoto Avenue.

421. DeSoto Avenue.

422. Okay, that's where our post office box is.

423. And there's Terry parked in front of the post office.

424. What a guy.

425. Where's Terry headed next?

426. So he looks like he's at the 4

427. or 5 headed south at 55 miles an hour.

428. Wait.

429. Richard knows how fast Terry's traveling.

430. Hey, it's only 55.

431. That's. We get for paying him by the hour.

432. We can find out the speed, the direction.

433. Approximate address.

434. The closest known address to where he's at.

435. We can be alerted if the trunk is opened or one of the doors is open.

436. We can even disable the starter if we want it, to make sure

437. that nobody could use the vehicle once it was parked.

438. We try it on Terry, but he's supposed to be bringing back our lunch.

439. Showing that he's on Kashmere Street in Los Angeles.

440. Kashmere Street?

441. Okay. Terry must be going to our payroll company.

442. See, there he is carrying our paychecks.

443. We really trust Terry. And why shouldn't we?

444. We're telling him it looks like he's traveling northeast on Sunset Boulevard.

445. Sunset Boulevard.

446. What's Terry doing there?

447. I knew it, that son of a bitch.

448. He has the nerve to goof off and ignore his duties and flagrantly defy our wishes.

449. And we pay him 200 bucks a week before taxes.

450. Where's he going, anyway?

451. The hustler store.

452. All right.

453. Yeah, he's picking up something for teller.

454. Hey, this is genius.

455. There are only 204 million cars in the U.S..

456. Here we have a map of every car in the Los Angeles area.

457. Watch as we track their every move.

458. So how much chance is there

459. that our government could even find the time to read the Patriot Act?

460. Well, actually follow every click of your web surfing.

461. But that's not stopping, Richard.

462. See, here we have a history of his last few known locations,

463. so we're able to refer back to that.

464. If a unit is installed in your vehicle and the police find out,

465. they can subpoena the information and get the location data.

466. Okay, we know what you're thinking.

467. I don't even have one of those gizmos in my car.

468. But most new cars are built with them.

469. Or anyone could pick one up at a car stereo shop to track it.

470. Or the police could just slap it on your car.

471. They don't even need to get a warrant.

472. At least that's what one federal judge ruled during a recent case in New York.

473. Still far too much for our optimistic bullshit.

474. Now, you think I don't even own a car?

475. Well, you're worried about our product tracking a vehicle.

476. But right now, in each new cell phone, there's a GPS receiver,

477. and somebody has access to that data.

478. It's intended for the 911 emergencies only,

479. but the data is there and available to someone.

480. That's right.

481. If you're carrying a cell phone in your pocket,

482. the feds could know where you are at this very moment.

483. We knew this guy was going to scare the shit out of us.

484. Thanks a lot, Richard.

485. But Richard's got nothing on this guy.

486. He's so scary.

487. He sits in the dark.

488. Actually, he's a private detective.

489. By the sound of it. A pretty good one.

490. I can get literally

491. anything on anybody.

492. Credit card transactions, purchases, date and time.

493. I can find out what every call was made on your cell phone since you've had it.

494. Or the penetrate or bank accounts or account balances, what income they've had.

495. Oh, in all but in their lifetime, every job that person's.

496. Ever worked in your life.

497. Whoa.

498. This be.

499. I've been working undercover for 26 years.

500. He asked us not to use his name, but he didn't say anything about his nickname.

501. It's lollipop.

502. Scary, He says there's no such thing as privacy anymore.

503. No one is safe.

504. It's like you're standing naked out in the middle of a frozen lake.

505. There's no place to go and there's no place to hide.

506. And everyone can see everything a vulture. Britney.

507. Sexy lollipop.

508. He really believes with the combination of computer databases and the internet.

509. You can be watched by everyone.

510. You're putting a monkey in a chair with the telephone in the

511. for the monkey to research.

512. Just as well as anyone that's.

513. Been in this business for. Years.

514. Speaking of monkeys and chairs, government bureaucrats

515. are keeping massive databases of information on all of us.

516. You, the citizens of this country, don't know what's going in there.

517. You don't know how it's being analyzed.

518. You don't know whether it's accurate or not.

519. You don't know who it's going to be shared with.

520. You have no control over it.

521. You have these brainiacs sitting around government,

522. and they have all these computers out there and all of this, this

523. data processing capability.

524. And I figure we've got to do something with it.

525. That's a congressman saying that.

526. Or at least a guy that used to be a congressman.

527. And that brings us back to this guy.

528. He thinks he's sitting inside a truckload of high tech government equipment,

529. and he's supposed to be protecting America.

530. He's using it to watch this.

531. bullshit.

532. The only show to make a constitutional argument with a pair of double D's.

533. We're all very proud.

534. Homeland security officer couldn't keep his hands off his joystick. Oh!

535. Ha ha ha ha!

536. And out and out.

537. That's just how we move the camera.

538. Oh, you know what's sad?

539. We never know when to quit.

540. oh. Could that be a terrorist?

541. what the hell are you doing?

542. Oh, shit.

543. Yeah, it's.

544. A terrorist, all right.

545. It's. Oh, Hubie been cheating.

546. You're upset.

547. I come in, I see my husband and my assistant.

548. Yeah.

549. She's upset because you paid her less than the other actors.

550. Hey, she wouldn't take her shirt off.

551. But if you think we haven't been cruel enough to set.

552. Did you get it?

553. Did you get it?

554. The car.

555. Where's the car? The car is gone.

556. The car was right there.

557. Surprise!

558. Well, he was busy watching the neighbors get busy.

559. We move the terrorist car. You're looking for.

560. Oh. Come on. He knew we were gonna.

561. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

562. We're going to be up here.

563. We're going to be up here.

564. But we weren't done yet.

565. Oh, wait a minute.

566. Wait a minute. Oh.

567. Oh! Thank God.

568. I recorded it, you recorded it?

569. Thank you. Oh. Yep.

570. He recorded people having sex for the Department of Homeland Security.

571. Now we're going to be sending this tape in

572. to Vice President Cheney.

573. We're going to be sending it into all the homeland executive chiefs.

574. We'd never send this tape to Dick Cheney.

575. He must have more than enough for his own security footage to walk to.

576. We're going to be fine.

577. Yeah.

578. You didn't actually point the camera at someone else's house, did you?

579. you tell me.

580. Because this is going to be Dick Cheney. Tell me.

581. Yeah, I do.

582. The threat of Dick Cheney.

583. It always works.

584. You pointed the camera at someone else having sex

585. in another house while you're working for the U.S.

586. government?

587. I don't know. Yeah, man. I'm nervous.

588. Yeah.

589. Okay. We've been let this guy off the hook before.

590. He sweats all over the American flag.

591. You're on a TV show for a real scare.

592. The really cool part is, this guy signed a release for us to show you this footage.

593. You did? No.

594. We have to get permission from people to videotape them, didn't you?

595. I mean, didn't you?

596. But why did he watch in the first place?

597. You can't even help it.

598. Big brother can't even help it.

599. That's the part George Orwell forgot about.

600. You know, we try to end all these shows that adopting an America is really safe.

601. And the government probably doesn't care enough to spy on you.

602. But it's still so wrong.

603. So very wrong and so very sad.

604. We can call our government guys clowns, sure,

605. but as runaways and circus animals will tell you,

606. clowns will fuck you.

607. I don't care if it hurts.

608. My head hurts.

609. Okay.

610. Think.