Penn & Teller: Bull! 3x13

1. Whoa! I'm Penn. This is my partner, Teller.

2. And there's the last show in season three.

3. And I'll tell you what. We saved the best for last.

4. This could be our best show. It's not the best off.

5. It's about the best.

6. How do we all want the best?

7. Hope we get the best guest and the best topic.

8. And we're done taping.

9. We're the best party ever.

10. The best, the best.

11. Hi. I'm Robin Leach, and the best is

12. bullshit for.

13. All my

14. hard.

15. Boo boo boo boo boo boo. You.

16. Guys.

17. Oh! Tonight we'll leave.

18. Well, a few stones unturned.

19. To show you that the pursuit of the best is one of the worst.

20. Waste of time. There we go.

21. We got two pretty good experts for the smart stuff and.

22. Okay, gadget geek, a big and sort of cool convention.

23. And a perfectly good hidden camera video featuring a talented young actor who's.

24. Oh, fuck it.

25. He's the best liar we've ever met.

26. You two are in for a special treat.

27. Our pursuit of the best is not without consequences.

28. In America alone, there were 1.5 million personal bankruptcies last year.

29. The average American family has 15 credit and ATM cards with a debt of over $7,000.

30. Our debt payments account for 14.3% of our take home pay.

31. Fuck.

32. Well enough statistics to prove we did our homework and quoting stats

33. will not make this the best show.

34. To one drop off the best.

35. You got to go see this guy.

36. Because this is the deck of him Wide Awake Carry-On

37. right from the can itself without any.

38. Accessories.

39. Our pal Robin Leach knows the best.

40. Hey, he has us, his friends.

41. We caught up with him during his caviar breakfast.

42. Shit.

43. I had pop tarts and Froot Loops.

44. I guess Robin Leach sort of set the reputation levels for defining the best.

45. Fucker is so the best.

46. He talks about himself in the third person.

47. I hate to tell you, that's about $100 a spoon.

48. We know we paid for it.

49. Thanks for sharing.

50. The best is something you can't touch, and it can relate

51. to everything from the lens of a limousine,

52. and the comforts contained therein behind

53. the smoked mirrored glass.

54. Or it can be, you know, the finest of foods and, the best of the bubbly.

55. Or the latest in high tech gadgets.

56. If you want the best in wireless communication,

57. you need to go PBA, which stands for Personal Digital Assistant.

58. It's kind of cute, but it won't pick up your dry cleaning.

59. And sexual favors are not even possible.

60. Why? No. Not even possible.

61. This is Matt Miller.

62. He's owned over 40 PDAs.

63. He's so nuts about him.

64. He should have a license plate that says PDA geek.

65. Yeah. Fuck. This guy's in bad shape.

66. If I wasn't such

67. an addict with these devices, I could easily say I could stick with one.

68. And it would be good for a couple of years.

69. I just, you know, I like to have the latest and the greatest.

70. Nothing wrong with that.

71. Or is there?

72. Matt, you might want to meet Professor Barry Schwartz.

73. He has the best opinion about the need for the latest and greatest.

74. We have been sold a bill of goods.

75. As a society, that acquiring stuff

76. is sort of our patriotic duty as Americans.

77. We are spending an inordinate amount of time making decisions that don't matter.

78. Nice house.

79. Maybe the point is, you don't need to have the best.

80. We have to pull back a little, relax a little.

81. Fuck the best.

82. It's a very nice trick. Really good.

83. But it surely isn't the best trick for making the point we're trying to make.

84. But it's a fine trick.

85. Okay, cut.

86. the trick was good, but we need a lot more energy from you, Penn.

87. And we saw the whole.

88. It was perfect.

89. Using mistake makes it the best way to make our point.

90. It was fine.

91. Don't tell Maddie.

92. Spending an inordinate amount of time or money on PDAs.

93. He's generously agreed to talk to us about his history with PDAs.

94. He's the best.

95. The first one, of course, was a U.S.

96. robotics pilot. 1000.

97. Of course.

98. Then I had the palm three,

99. and then I had a palm three x, which was the palm three with it more Ram.

100. But it also had the ability, if you took it apart.

101. Sorry. Sorry, Matt. It's yours.

102. Last show I off.

103. And I actually had to buy that from Jeremy because it wasn't something that a.

104. Camera's on a tripod.

105. Now, if we don't make any loud noises, I can sneak out.

106. You'll never know.

107. Which was the first color device I ever had.

108. I remember the first day I got that, I was like, oh, color on a display.

109. Why do many of us, like Matt, seem to be constantly pursuing

110. a level of satisfaction that's always out of reach?

111. The good feeling doesn't last.

112. We get used to having a Mercedes.

113. It's spectacular.

114. It's better than sex. The first week.

115. It's better than a meal in a great restaurant the second week.

116. It's pretty damn good the third week.

117. And after that, it's just your car.

118. And people aren't satisfied with good.

119. They want to feel great.

120. We stop getting a big kick out of the good things we already have.

121. Take the beanbag chair.

122. You might have one in your garage from the 70s.

123. These things were everywhere.

124. The best in interior design.

125. If you went to a party and saw a room full of beanbag chairs,

126. you knew you were in for a good time, or at least a comfortable time.

127. I mean, these fucking things were soft.

128. They conformed to the contours of your body, the the cradle, your ass.

129. And they're just pleather balloons filled with plastic beads.

130. But you can't have them in your living room now.

131. No way.

132. They're so not the best.

133. No one thinks they're the best.

134. You gotta get new, better chairs.

135. Chairs that don't cradle your ass.

136. So what you do with beanbag chairs today?

137. I mean, they were cool,

138. but now they're just filling up more space and landfills and disposable diapers.

139. This is Russ.

140. He's the prop guy on our show.

141. Normally, he's making giant penises and talking vaginas.

142. He's a specialist at making shit look good.

143. We needed a chef for this hidden camera bit.

144. So now he's making dinner.

145. He can't cook, and he doesn't shower.

146. And he has this cool boil on his ass.

147. We paid him a quarter to see.

148. We gave him 44 bucks, a toaster oven and a hairnet

149. and stuck him in an alley behind this fancy restaurant. Why?

150. We want to see how much of the best was all of the mind.

151. We're going to test the palates of these unaware and hungry diners.

152. We told Russ to make the best

153. looking dinner, but cheapest ingredients he could find is.

154. It's our first guinea pig, Andrea.

155. She's a 22 year old, lost to

156. her date.

157. Dean is working with us.

158. Oh, welcome to Villa Cherry. My name is Tim.

159. I'll be your weight in the evening. You remember this guy, right?

160. He was so great.

161. Is Tim the water steward in season one's bottled water episode?

162. He's pretty handy with a hose.

163. And he's the best liar. And we know liars.

164. But first, I want to start you off with the chef's special bruschetta.

165. this is a hand ground semolina,

166. that is grown in a fertile Tuscan valley.

167. It's organic.

168. Sounds great. Just one problem.

169. That fancy bread from Italy.

170. It's actually a stale sandwich roll.

171. The 24 hour Korean grocery near office

172. cost one quarter, and we should have bargained them down.

173. Topped with hand-picked, organic heirloom tomatoes.

174. He's right about one thing.

175. The tomatoes are hand-picked out of a can cost $0.32 a serving.

176. Then we have a fresh basil, a hand pressed olive oil, all of which is organic.

177. And the olive oil comes from the same valley in Tuscany.

178. I don't know where the basil came from, and I'm not going to ask,

179. but Russell bought the olive oil at a gas station near the airport.

180. Will they taste the difference?

181. So the taste is good.

182. It's good. It's good. It's very.

183. Okay. She seems young for our experiment.

184. She has her whole life ahead of her to learn about the best.

185. What about this guy, Bill?

186. He looks like he's been around.

187. And his best friend Jan. Who set him up well.

188. Ex best friend.

189. She told us he loves gourmet food and he knows the best when he taste it.

190. Surely he wouldn't fall for our bullshit.

191. You're blind.

192. Come on sweetheart.

193. Oh, oh, you're.

194. In big trouble, Bill.

195. You have no idea.

196. I want to start you off tonight with our chef's

197. special bruschetta.

198. What do you think of this?

199. It tastes pretty good. Oh, yeah. Incredible.

200. You wouldn't think that if you saw it being made.

201. This next guy, Eric, looks like a skeptical sort.

202. Would you realize what he's eating is bland and tasteless?

203. You know, that can of tomatoes made a funny hissing noise when we open it?

204. I don't know.

205. We sit over our friend

206. Beth playing the restaurant owner to see how special Eric thinks.

207. His bruschetta. Is.

208. I think the oh. That's great.

209. Yeah. Yeah.

210. Would Travis feel the same way?

211. I like the.

212. Bruschetta a lot. Fantastic.

213. You can really taste the freshness.

214. Yeah, it's fresh out of the can.

215. While they work their way through our cheap appetizer,

216. let's head out to Las Vegas,

217. where every year they hold the International consumer electronics Show.

218. This is where the tech masters of the world

219. gather to show their best for the upcoming electronics year.

220. Here we found David Mansbridge.

221. He knows what's best for the modern kitchen.

222. In 2004, we won the Best of Innovations

223. with our internet controlled refrigerated oven.

224. Internet connected refrigerator, oven.

225. Genius. That's a refrigerator.

226. And an oven.

227. And a web browser.

228. I'm so excited!

229. I love hot cold food and Google.

230. Show us how it works.

231. You'll go ahead and you'll set your temperature.

232. Then you'll set your cooking time either for probe

233. cooking top and bottom, or your conventional just set to roast

234. at 330 for an and now at a second cooking stage as well.

235. Broil to sear that meat on top for five minutes.

236. We want to add one more step and then we'll go into a warm phase.

237. 45 minutes.

238. We confirm our step. We're going to roast that real fine.

239. We're going to share and broil it for five.

240. I'm going to go into a warm mode and the oven is off and so on.

241. And the oven is off and running. Stupid.

242. How many of you are searching for it on the web right now?

243. If you buy into the whole best thing, you're gonna get fucked.

244. First season bullshit won a Writers Guild award for best writing.

245. Now we are always proud of our show.

246. We knew it was good, but now we had a serious award

247. that said we were best than were nominated for an Emmy as Best Reality show.

248. We thought, hey, we're not a reality show, we're making jokes,

249. but we aren't fucking around. We got real information.

250. Well thought out opinion.

251. We're not even bugs, but somehow we get sucked in.

252. All of a sudden we could be the best reality show.

253. We're going to be the best.

254. We offer the best flight to LA because the best tuxedos got the best limo.

255. We walked down the red carpet with our heads held high.

256. We sat patiently through four hours of the worst television in history

257. that we lost to a group of queer guys who tell grown men how to dress themselves.

258. We weren't the best reality show.

259. We didn't even feel that good anymore.

260. We went from doing a great show we're really proud of to not being the best.

261. If you buy into the best, you'll always get fucked.

262. The question

263. of whether there's the best, it depends on the best.

264. For what?

265. Virginia Pastoral, author of The Substance of Style.

266. The most miles per gallon in an automobile.

267. Something that's really easy to measure.

268. That's one dimension.

269. Then you can talk about the best, what more often is

270. the case is it's the best for someone.

271. this is the best tasting

272. spaghetti sauce to me.

273. And in many cases, there is no best.

274. Left.

275. Back of the fancy restaurant.

276. It's time to sample an incredible bottle of bullshit.

277. Right.

278. Say that.

279. Sir, would you like to smell the cork?

280. I sure

281. can, you are.

282. Now, this particular wine is a five star rating.

283. Of course, it's won gold medals all over the world.

284. It's really quite spectacular.

285. It's got an unctuous texture to it.

286. It has, hints of licorice and cassis,

287. and it's really got a nice smoky flavor to it.

288. And it closes with a colossal 65 second finish.

289. We sure wish we'd written that, but we didn't.

290. It's an actual connoisseur's critique of $1,000 bottle of wine.

291. This is the most expensive bottle of wine in our wine cellar.

292. Yeah, but our cellars in the back alley.

293. And that wine costs a buck 99.

294. Go ahead and try that, sir.

295. Don't sniff too closely.

296. You might smell the fertile vineyards of new Jersey.

297. So? That is good.

298. Really? Very nice. Terrific.

299. There you go.

300. Come on.

301. You can really even get that. That licorice.

302. Yeah.

303. Smell it.

304. Yeah. It's terrific.

305. Chateau Cole, you know,

306. you won't remember that in their low chateau. See?

307. What else?

308. Three letters I can remember.

309. You'll definitely remember it.

310. Once you learn that Cole is French for ass.

311. Would you like another whiff of Castle of Ass?

312. Oh. Into the bullshit of the past

313. doesn't necessarily mean that people are shallow or stupid.

314. Means they're human.

315. Because we're all hardwired to desire.

316. We're all hardwired to desire the best and hate.

317. Hey, these are good people.

318. Out for a fun night on the town. And a beautiful restaurant.

319. Food and wine look great in the service.

320. When's the last time you went out to dinner?

321. And the waiter in the restaurant?

322. The waiter in the restaurant. Owner.

323. Want to know what you thought about

324. every bite you took?

325. Raw bite and bullshit every day.

326. But, you know, trying to be the best doesn't always

327. bring out the best in people.

328. It's time for the appetizers.

329. This is medallion of Maine lobster.

330. poached in a boudoir of carrots, leeks and celery

331. with a of Ruger caviar and a dollop of, clotted cream from devolved.

332. Everybody loves expensive lobster.

333. Russ will now show you how you can prepare it at home.

334. First, forget about the lobster.

335. Use cheap ass monkfish.

336. Monkfish is best if you're paying and not eating.

337. Then take some tasteless fish raw and dyed black to look like caviar.

338. Add some shavings of supermarket carrot and cucumber and a dab of cheap

339. sour cream.

340. Finish with 6 to 20oz of rotgut wine and voila!

341. Wow. Good.

342. Yeah.

343. Oh, okay.

344. There's a good.

345. Okay, so Eric's not swallowing our bullshit.

346. Some people ruin all the fun.

347. It's not his fault.

348. He's just more concerned with taste than enjoying a night out.

349. But he's still eating it.

350. We'll be back for the main course in a bit.

351. In the meantime, I gotta go take a pee.

352. Des, how's our friend Matt?

353. I've had most of the palms.

354. 505.

355. The five x.

356. I just picked up my first trio.

357. It's still working.

358. What stars?

359. Abi. Which is a Linux OS spider.

360. those are great devices.

361. Really? For the serious geek.

362. It's that juice that's this.

363. Back where they seem to have Mozart on a fucking loop.

364. It's time for the main course.

365. And guess what?

366. It's a veritable buffet of bullshit.

367. Today we have a Kobe beef fillet.

368. it's hand fed whole grain beef.

369. They massage the beef daily.

370. The cows daily from birth.

371. And this particular cut that we're working from this evening is only 2% fat.

372. It's more like only 2% beef.

373. It's a TV dinner that we nuked on high for three minutes.

374. You better eat while it's hot.

375. When it cools, it reverts to shoe leather.

376. You bastards!

377. Sucking up when you putting it on?

378. It's very lean.

379. Yeah.

380. The lean is loafer.

381. Money can buy.

382. What about Travis Zia, shoe connoisseur.

383. How's the beef?

384. It's very good.

385. Next. Very, rich.

386. I really like it. Rich.

387. That me costs us a whopping $2.39.

388. And it came with a cherry cobbler dessert, which we ate.

389. Hey, how about that gravy lumpy right out of the jar.

390. It may have been recalled by the FDA.

391. We're still checking the gravy's.

392. Pretty spectacular, too, isn't it?

393. Yeah, that's pan seared. Great.

394. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the gravy makes it.

395. And what about these potatoes?

396. Here's how Tim described it.

397. Gotten Yukon potatoes.

398. Hydroponically grown,

399. by the way, at the University of Oregon by a group of graduate students

400. who volunteer specifically for this kind of a project.

401. Oh, cool.

402. Oh, my.

403. Mashed potatoes are here.

404. Oh, this is so much fun.

405. The best mashed potatoes he's ever had are really dry

406. potato flakes made from a box.

407. But we used a tourniquet to give them that special gourmet shape.

408. Plus an exotic touch of flavor for the difference in price.

409. You could probably fuck a few of the hydroponic grad students in Oregon,

410. isn't it?

411. What he made of the part about the students to fucking Tim.

412. Something in this.

413. What do you think?

414. Like smoke flavoring.

415. You think? Yeah.

416. Tuna juice and a blowtorch.

417. And then it was time for the piece de resistance.

418. Let me get these out of your way, and we'll be back with a Belgian white

419. chocolate mousse with 25 year old liqueur on top.

420. All right.

421. Well we were sure we get nailed on the dessert.

422. I mean, Russ was getting tired and cranky and a bit pungent,

423. so he didn't give this one much effort.

424. Just dollop a few spoonfuls of 59 cent discount, whipped topping

425. into fancy glasses and put some chocolate shavings on top. Yep.

426. This bullshit was going to demand Tim's finest performance of the evening.

427. I mean, would lover of gourmet food Bill fall for this? Wow.

428. Thank you.

429. Take it away, Tim.

430. As I say, this is a Belgian white chocolate mousse.

431. It has been whipped 150 strokes.

432. It is

433. about the lightest thing you'll ever taste.

434. And it's also been, topped with a 25 year old, cinnamon liqueur.

435. Oh, my gosh.

436. This is. Wow.

437. I never had anything like it before.

438. This is not your average Cool Whip.

439. He's right about that.

440. It's the cheaper Cool Whip knockoff.

441. Poor bill.

442. The DVD says this footage will last forever.

443. But, hey, Bill believes he's eating the best, so he is eating the best.

444. So savor it, Bill.

445. Because to you, it's delicious.

446. And here at bullshit, we're all about making people happy.

447. Or at least for a while.

448. I think it's more about ambiance and friendships

449. and other things that make up the best.

450. It doesn't have to be, you know, a $25,000 bottle of red wine and, foie gras.

451. The notion

452. that you're always going to look for the best in every dimension is crazy.

453. Yes, you will drive yourself crazy.

454. if if you are constantly feeling like you're never satisfied.

455. Clearing away the clutter of meaningless choices would free up a lot of time

456. in people's lives for doing things that are much more important

457. and more rewarding than getting the best, sweater or the best toaster.

458. This is our Patty, Tim and Nate.

459. Tim. With the show.

460. Since the very beginning, we've grown to like these people a lot.

461. Now, we spent pretty much every penny of our budget for this year.

462. We wanted to celebrate with our pals.

463. We asked Russ to fix dinner for us.

464. We're eating the same cheap

465. ass food that we served the poor monkeys at the fancy ass restaurant.

466. And since we know what it is, it should be horrible.

467. But right now, sit with our friends here.

468. Tastes pretty great.

469. Now, this may not be the best food money can buy,

470. but it is some of the best food the human race has ever had available.

471. Even our worst food is pretty fucking good.

472. And the average food with people you love is a lot better than Kobe

473. beef with an asshole.

474. Oh fuck.

475. Cheap whipped topping.

476. So delicious.

477. Thanks for cooking rice.

478. And then we made it. Back to the restaurant.

479. We finally told our gourmet diners

480. the real reason behind their first class dinners.

481. There is one other thing that I do need to tell you.

482. Everything that you've had tonight, from the bruschetta all the way up to this

483. fine dessert is complete bullshit.

484. In fact, it's Penn and Teller.

485. Bullshit.

486. And if you look over there, you'll see a camera in that tree.

487. And there's a camera in that pedestal.

488. And there's a camera behind those doors.

489. And there's a camera in that tree over there.

490. And she's in on it.

491. Very well.

492. Well, that explains a lot.

493. Well, that's it for season three.

494. We've had a great time, but there's a lot more bullshit left in the world.

495. We sure hope you all want us to do a season four.

496. We're thinking, you know, televangelists and asshole astrologers.

497. Maybe gravity. I'm just kidding.

498. But why not the Boy Scouts?

499. I give them a merit badge and bullshit.

500. We got lots of great ideas, and we love doing the show.

501. We promise you that season four will be the check.

502. well, we hope we can, we can do it for you.

503. We hope you all enjoy it.

504. Good night, buddy.

505. Good bunch.

506. Great. Let's move on.