Penn & Teller: Bull! 3x12

1. It's good, it's good.

2. It's good.

3. Yeah.

4. They. I'm Penn and this is Teller.

5. You know, showbiz and religion have more in common than you might think.

6. Both Hollywood and the religious use special effects

7. to make people buy into impossible stories.

8. Yeah, that could be a thorny crown.

9. And this is a little Jesus. See?

10. Right in here.

11. Very nice.

12. Hollywood nowadays using mostly CGI.

13. And they do all their work in computers.

14. The religious do the cheaper version to make you do most of the work in your head.

15. Can you claim that a statue that leaks oil like an old Volkswagen,

16. or a dirty sheet with fake pictures on it, proves the existence of God?

17. Some can and that sells tickets.

18. The superstitious call that religious icons, we call it

19. bullshit.

20. I find them

21. okay, okay.

22. Okay.

23. Yeah. And.

24. The movie.

25. Is you.

26. Tonight we're on a whirlwind journey

27. to discover the truth behind religious icons.

28. Those statues, pictures and images of Jesus

29. and the Virgin Mary all over the world that allegedly cry, sweat, bleed,

30. ooze oil, or more recently, sit on a crusty old cheese sandwich.

31. These icons convince millions that God exists

32. and is trying to communicate to something.

33. So what's going on?

34. Why this epidemic of bleeding statues, crying paintings, and Christ

35. that sweat oil.

36. Some say these icons are appearing in protest

37. of all the suffering and injustice in the world.

38. Others say it's God's way of sending a message of hope

39. for all.

40. Okay.

41. Well, I always been a Christian.

42. I've been serving my Lord for so many years.

43. I praise him, I

44. love him, and you know I got Jesus alive in my heart.

45. This is Matilde Munoz.

46. She's a housewife and devoted, churchgoing lady from Waterbury, Connecticut.

47. And she says she got a gift from God.

48. That gave me this.

49. So people who come here and know that he's alive,

50. and he wants people to walk with him and delight. Wow.

51. And what did you get?

52. I'll bet it's something cool,

53. like a an entertainment center after all, Jesus was a carpenter.

54. Before we reveal their gift, we're off to Turin, Italy,

55. to meet the most famous religious icon of all,

56. the one that has enthralled the faithful for hundreds of years.

57. This ratty old sheet known as the Shroud of Turin.

58. It's supposed to be the holy Shroud of Christ.

59. Joe Nickell is a senior research fellow for the Scientific Investigation of Claims

60. of the paranormal, which, judging from the flak jacket, is dangerous work.

61. He's been debunking the Shroud of Turin for years.

62. And sorry, Joe, can you go through it one more time?

63. First, tell us what the shroud supposedly shows.

64. It has the imprints of an apparently crucified man,

65. the front and back imprints, sort of a faint sepia color.

66. And red, rather bright red blood stains,

67. from the wounds of Christ.

68. But Joe doesn't believe all that shit.

69. See, in 1988, the shroud was debunked through carbon dating

70. and determined to be a fake cooked up circa 1300.

71. We phoned the Vatican to ask for an explanation.

72. We're just waiting for them to call back.

73. The claim that it's a miraculous burst

74. of radiant energy from Christ's resurrection is ludicrous.

75. But unfortunately, not to everyone.

76. I think that the evidence for authenticity

77. far exceeds the evidence against authenticity.

78. Sure you do.

79. This is Doctor Frederick Zogby.

80. He's a former chief medical examiner

81. and an associate professor at Columbia University.

82. And I'm a forensic pathologist.

83. Oh, right. Right. And a forensic pathologist.

84. Whatever that means.

85. Yeah. Here in his high tech lab.

86. I mean, his Cape Cod style house, actually, his garage.

87. Fred Zogby, in spite of all

88. the evidence, is on a quest to prove that the Shroud of Turin is real,

89. which should be really easy, because he's got this portal

90. to heaven.

91. Portal comedy aside, why is he working in his garage?

92. Does he does that snow blower also do DNA analysis?

93. Is he in a grunge science band? No.

94. The reason Fred Zogby is in the garage is because of this.

95. Across.

96. Well, most of across, he didn't quite have enough ceiling space.

97. We're trying to get as near as close as nailing your hands to the

98. cross.

99. So we prepared a pure gantlet.

100. That's right.

101. Fred Zogby is conducting crucifixions and in suburban two car garage.

102. Oh, this is so fucking cool.

103. And I thought only Mel Gibson did that.

104. Oh, that's his son and daughter.

105. Whole family's in on the air.

106. Tell her this is a sitcom we've been looking to produce.

107. Call our agents.

108. We'll call it sucker B.

109. Shred is authentic.

110. It provides a first class relic

111. unlike any other relic of actually of Jesus.

112. It actually shows that, Jesus did exist.

113. Everything is wrong with that statement,

114. even if it's from the right era, even if it's really an image of a person.

115. Even if there was no way anyone could prove it was fake.

116. And even if Zogby proved that it covered someone named Jesus,

117. the shroud wouldn't prove the existence of any god.

118. But all of that worry you?

119. Fred's going to straighten this whole mess out with a little show biz.

120. It'll be a crucifixion.

121. So dramatic it'll give Mel Gibson a four hour erection.

122. Speaking of boners, a hundred miles away in Connecticut,

123. Matilda claims God reached out and touched her butt.

124. But not in an inappropriate way.

125. I was cleaning my kitchen and walking back and forth.

126. All the sudden I see something there like the Lord told me, look at here.

127. I'm here with you. So what's Matilda icon?

128. This door.

129. This door.

130. Holy shit. Jesus.

131. That's a door of God.

132. We thought it was the bathroom.

133. I hope none of our crew. Oh, fuck.

134. We are in such trouble.

135. That's going to beneath us.

136. So when I look at the door, I saw those beautiful eyes.

137. And I say, oh my God, Lord, those are your beautiful eyes. Yes.

138. And I just feel chills all over my body.

139. I felt the Holy Spirit all over me.

140. Yep. Mattel believe the knots in the wood are the eyes of Jesus.

141. So does this guy.

142. He's Matilda's son, Antonio.

143. And apparently the religious nut doesn't fall far from the religious nut tree.

144. For years I my mother lived here

145. and I never saw that there.

146. That just appeared on their Monday.

147. So I looked at the door.

148. I say, oh, all of a sudden my heart started pounding because it was for real.

149. I never saw nothing like that before.

150. Never, never, never in my life.

151. Because he's never been to a lumberyard.

152. And Jesus, his eyes are the only thing they see in the door.

153. See those wood grains?

154. This is like the veil of the Blessed Mother.

155. Okay? This is like her gown.

156. And like her hands are going like this.

157. Yeah. Down there.

158. Matilda also sees Jesus's mama, Antonio.

159. Well, he sees Jesus again.

160. It's a. Common mistake.

161. Jesus and his mama dress alike.

162. This is the head.

163. This is his shoulders. And this is the gown.

164. Is it Jesus or is it Mary?

165. Looks more like the Batman logo to me.

166. What we need is someone who can explain all of this.

167. You know, one of those clever white haired man in a thoughtful blue sweater.

168. Society normally pushes us to be logical.

169. Yeah, but when it comes to religion in general, that's

170. where logic is not only discouraged, it's it just doesn't seem to apply.

171. I'm James Alcock, professor of psychology at York University.

172. So you learn to accept some things and some areas of your life on faith

173. and not to apply logic to it.

174. Professor Allcock, we don't have to do every cock job thrown our way.

175. No, we do not.

176. All cock specializes in credulity, superstition and belief systems

177. and he fakes the shot of answering the phone really well.

178. He claims all logical people might scoff at religious icons,

179. but the deeply religious, they're just like bacon.

180. What this does is tap into part of a belief system where

181. you know they're miracles, you know they're miraculous appearances.

182. And here's one of them, and you're here.

183. You're right here where it's happening.

184. But you've got to have that preexisting structure belief.

185. Coming

186. up next on our Magical Miracle tour, I.

187. Think it's a miracle.

188. It's beautiful.

189. It's just it gives me I have goose bumps.

190. Oh, my God.

191. That gives me pause to think, oh, I wonder how this is happen.

192. Well, maybe it opens up new vistas from.

193. What I to be talking about.

194. To find out, you got to visit this kitchen in Hollywood, Florida.

195. It's the home of Diane Dicer.

196. I didn't know why she had come to me.

197. Why me?

198. Who's Diane and who is the.

199. She she's talking about?

200. Diane is the blessed griller eater and publicist

201. of the grilled cheese sandwich, with the image of the Virgin Mary on it.

202. You know, the one that's sold on eBay for $28,000.

203. I've cooked

204. a thousand of them over and over because that's basically what I live on.

205. I eat grilled cheese a lot.

206. Talk about a miracle.

207. You should be dead by now.

208. Do you know what all that cheese does to your arteries?

209. Tell us, Diane, how have thou come upon so great a sign?

210. Has this cheese a sandwich?

211. What happened was that I called for my husband and spit out the part that,

212. you know, I had bit.

213. You know, it scared me.

214. I didn't know what it was.

215. And he.

216. Right away, he got scared, too.

217. And it appeared to me to be the Virgin Mary.

218. With all the grilled cheese sandwiches.

219. The real miracle is that Diane didn't just eat the damn thing and laugh about it.

220. There a shitload of grilled cheese sandwiches made every year.

221. It would be amazing if there weren't Virgin Mary's once in a while.

222. It's very likely that all of us over the age of 40 have eaten

223. at least one virgin Mary food item, and not even noticed it.

224. Hey, isn't it time for one of our world famous bullshit experiments?

225. We sent our crew to the boardwalk in Venice,

226. California with a couple of pictures on Mattel's door.

227. They show them to a bunch of random folk who were just glad

228. we didn't smell like urine like everyone else on Venice Beach.

229. Finally, after a few hours and a shower to wash the smelly urine off,

230. we found one guy who did see Jesus.

231. This character. Here's Jesus right there.

232. You can see someone sitting right next to him. The table right here.

233. Okay.

234. He sees Jesus and a table.

235. I think he's going for the Last Supper.

236. Whatever.

237. The point is, he didn't see the Jesus.

238. Matilde and Antonio saw.

239. And what about all those other people?

240. Well, after studying the photos, lots of them saw.

241. But it's not about it.

242. I'm trying, man, I don't see anything.

243. Some of them saw animals.

244. Llama.

245. If anything. You see a llama or. A goat?

246. Wolf a lion.

247. Although this guy saw God with a rock and roll guy.

248. It looks like, you know, it looks like flesh.

249. From guns N roses. Think about it.

250. We also brought along another weird ass photo.

251. Would anyone see a religious icon in this?

252. Now that Shroud of Turin.

253. Somebody a look on.

254. His forehead, his eyes, nose, mouth.

255. We got Jesus standing on a cloud right here.

256. So what does this picture of?

257. Well, if we told you, you might post one on eBay before we sell ours.

258. Besides, we got a crucifixion to get to

259. the back of the set of zucchini.

260. Things are getting wacky.

261. They're retrofitting the cross for Zach Junior.

262. Their cross is adjustable.

263. It's almost time for the show to begin.

264. So what the hell is all this about?

265. Well, the injuries depicted on the Jesus figure in the shroud

266. suggest he was crucified through his hands.

267. But the one guy that tried this technique on cadavers said that was impossible

268. because the spikes pulled right through the hair.

269. According to medical authorities, the weight of the

270. the hands would not hold the weight of the body, and crucifixion.

271. But if Fred Zucker could prove that it is possible to crucify

272. someone through the hands, that would lend credence to the shrouds authenticity.

273. And that's what Fred Zucker is up to.

274. Of course, Fred isn't really proving anything unless he claims

275. that when Jesus was on the cross, he was wearing leather reinforced

276. gardening gloves and wise Fred wearing a lab coat.

277. Well, he wants to look like a scientist.

278. we have a group of people.

279. They have engaged in pseudoscience to convince us

280. that the Shroud of Turin is some sort of miracle.

281. It isn't.

282. It's at best a graven image.

283. And it's a fake. And a shame.

284. The last five

285. dudes with a Popemobile license all said the shroud was the work of God.

286. But where does the church stand today on weeping

287. icons and bleeding statues and all those other so-called miracles.

288. The church has shied away in recent years from some of these miracles

289. because they've been burned so many times.

290. This is James Randi.

291. He's the world's most accomplished

292. amidst a fire of paranormal and pseudoscientific claims.

293. We love him when we look at not holes in the door,

294. we see Randy's beautiful eyes.

295. All they all do is

296. say we have no opinion, except that we know that these things do happen.

297. That leaves them off the hook all together, but turns out to be a fake

298. and say, well, remember, we didn't say it was the real thing.

299. Yep, the church is making money on miracles because miracles

300. put asses and pews.

301. And if I were, a priest in a small church and I was concerned

302. about declining attendance, it might be tempting

303. if someone could produce an icon that brought in the faithful.

304. And I can

305. see how a priest might rationalize that I'm trying to bring people to God.

306. Yeah, this is a cheap theatrical stunt, but it works.

307. The basic question of Christ is what you ask why would people still continue

308. to believe in it, even though the proof can be given that

309. it can't be that way because they're unsinkable ducks,

310. they not only want this to be true, they need it to be true.

311. Antonio sure wants to be true.

312. See, he's had a three day headache, and he's hoping the door will help him

313. get rid of it.

314. Let's watch and kneel down.

315. Yesterday on the floor, my mother prayed for me.

316. I put my hand on the door, which is, you know, that door there, Jesus Christ.

317. And they just took it away.

318. Amazing. Amazing.

319. You had that headache for three days before he fought to use his magic

320. door cure.

321. Now, Antonio's headaches may have been real,

322. and he may have felt better after he prayed to the door.

323. Wouldn't it be a bit more convincing if he regrew a lost arm or something?

324. You know, as you say in the movie, hey.

325. Be careful, that might be a call from Jesus.

326. So I guess it was just his buddy.

327. Hey, Zeus.

328. But Matilda, well, she's always getting calls from the real Jesus.

329. She must be on a speed dial.

330. And I'm looking at his eyes.

331. He just look at me more and more and more.

332. Less.

333. And I just feel more joy in my heart.

334. I can feel the his presence.

335. And feeling

336. Jesus's presence can induce the kind of euphoria

337. one might normally associate with a big ass vibrator.

338. There's a whole raft of physiologic tickle responses that goes with that euphoria.

339. The whole nervous system is very aroused.

340. And so I was closing my eyes.

341. I could see I could see those beautiful eyes too.

342. And since these are very rare, it's a very memorable experience

343. that people can't explain.

344. So when it happens, we're astonished.

345. And then we take the reaction itself

346. as proof that the situation is really important.

347. So oddly enough, the very reaction comes to justify the interpretation.

348. And the interpretation, of course, was responsible for the reaction.

349. Next stop on our Magical Miracle Tour, the Worcester, Massachusetts

350. home of Audrey Santo, revered by many as a victim, Saint.

351. The victim part sure is right.

352. The Audrey Sandoz cases is really cruel and it disturbs me a lot.

353. Audrey Santo has been in a coma like state since

354. suffering a near-fatal drowning accident at the age of three.

355. However, since then, the religious icons that fill her home have supposedly

356. been oozing oil, which your mother says is a sign that God exists.

357. I guess it's better to say Audrey's condition is God's

358. will than to say my three year old fell into a pool,

359. Audrey's been put on display, and hundreds have flocked to her

360. Massachusetts home in search of a religious quick fix or miracle cure.

361. In 1998,

362. the Washington Post had the oil tested at the micro Back laboratories

363. in Pittsburgh, and it turned out to be 80% vegetable oil and 20% chicken fat.

364. So you guessed it, the tears of Jesus.

365. Well, they taste just like chicken.

366. We wanted to ask Audrey's mother about this.

367. We even sent her an old episode.

368. I mean, everyone loves the bottled water gag from the first season.

369. Here's a reply.

370. This is Linda Santo, little Elijah's mother.

371. We have viewed the video and as I'm sure the quality

372. of that's extremely offensive, we certainly will continue to pray

373. for all of you there, but certainly pray that,

374. you'll change your attitude on what should be put on television.

375. Thank you very much. God bless you.

376. Who? Not already sick enough.

377. This is a flier we got from little Audrey's nonprofit ministry.

378. An oil soaked cotton ball is stapled to it.

379. They don't take money for this miracle oil.

380. But look here.

381. Attached to our greasy freebie is an order form for all sorts of Audrey shit.

382. videos. 20 bucks.

383. T shirt, 15 bucks.

384. Mouse pad, seven bucks.

385. Refrigerator magnets

386. are lame ass bullshit.

387. Swag is cheaper than that.

388. She gave us a greasy cotton ball for free

389. to reciprocate and give Audrey's mother one thing for free.

390. We thought she could use a conscience.

391. The one she's got is clearly not working.

392. Meanwhile, back on the Venice boardwalk.

393. Remember this guy?

394. He looked at this photo and said.

395. Now that Shroud of Turin.

396. And it just might be,

397. you know, if Jesus were buried in a slice of head cheese when he died.

398. It's a closeup of head cheese feet, holy head cheese.

399. The human ability to see

400. pictures out of randomness is called pareidolia.

401. We tend to see faces, very easily, very readily.

402. A couple of spots, and we see eyes in another spot and we see a nose.

403. you call that data searching?

404. It's an instinct.

405. It's it's hardwired into us.

406. We don't have much control over it.

407. It's rather, sad to see some of these people

408. putting so much stock in something that has a perfectly mundane explanation.

409. We got Jesus standing on a cloud right here.

410. Now, that's a couple fucking right up there.

411. It's a couple fucking.

412. Oh, and there is a nice set of tits right?

413. Right in there by a set of tits.

414. And, Oh, there's there's some lips puckered.

415. to kiss my ass and. Oh,

416. the point is that people see, whatever

417. their personality is predisposed to say, wow, that's a great one.

418. Can I keep it?

419. A lot of the

420. the attraction for these kinds of things is that people

421. don't want to sit in church and listen to a boring sermon or, or an old ritual.

422. A lot of people want to experience a miracle for themselves.

423. But unfortunately, religious icons, even really bogus ones,

424. are here to stay because, like fucking a celebrity

425. or winning the lottery, they're one of the few things around

426. that can change a humdrum life into a glamorous one.

427. If you're the kind of person who yourself is having visions

428. yourself as receiving messages from God, or you have produced icons,

429. suddenly your ordinary, dull life becomes really, really important.

430. People come to see you, they go to your web page.

431. And for the sake of argument, let's assume that there's no chicanery,

432. that people are really sincere.

433. Nonetheless, their lives are made much more interesting by it.

434. They come in like Matilde.

435. Her knot holes have made her a star.

436. All kinds of people are swarming in to see her miracle door.

437. And we're not talking scientists.

438. Oh my God.

439. I know God always had his hand on his town.

440. And I know there's some solid Christians and I do believe in miracles.

441. So he says, I'm going to come up and witness this thing for myself.

442. You know, he said in his word, he gives signs and wonders.

443. And I'll tell you what, this is definitely a sign.

444. I mean, you can see his eyes clearly looking at you, and I'm

445. moving to the right.

446. And I'm moving to the left.

447. And his eyes are following me.

448. He's like watching me everywhere I go.

449. And of course, in the Bible says he's.

450. His eyes are always watching us.

451. He's looking just at me now. All right.

452. I'm going to start heading out the door. I want to check this out.

453. Hallelujah.

454. His eyes are following me all the way out.

455. I could just see it so clear. You.

456. You know

457. I'm feeling something to feeling something in this room, I feel.

458. It, yes, yes.

459. Yes. It's called the heat of the movie.

460. Lights shining in your face.

461. They're going to be on TV, and that's some powerful mojo.

462. Diane Dicer feels the glow of fame, too.

463. Thanks to her grilled cheese sandwich.

464. She's become a rock star and also a human billboard.

465. And shameless glory hound who lined your pockets, showing off

466. her raw, shock grilled cheese sandwich at events like this.

467. When I'm with her and we're at a show or something,

468. people will either come up to me, want to touch me,

469. or she'll just start crying when they see her.

470. Cheese. Sandwich. It's just so emotional.

471. It's a grilled fucking cheese fucking sandwich.

472. It's not an icon that is barely even a sandwich.

473. A Reuben is a sandwich.

474. A pastrami on a little sauerkraut, some Russian dressing.

475. These are worthy of our worship, you tell her.

476. Here's the face of Randy right here.

477. Okay,

478. okay. Let's face it.

479. The only reason you all have showtime is to watch people mail each other.

480. So let's get back to Lockerbie.

481. Oh, my God, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

482. It's crucifixion time. Be warned.

483. What you're about to see is extremely graphic.

484. Mel Gibson, grab your icon. Hurry up.

485. Get out the tissues and hand lotion, Mel, because here we go.

486. Our experiments definitively show

487. that the palms of the hand would hold the weight of the body.

488. If the feet were also secure.

489. And the hands

490. were encased in leather, canvas, and nylon.

491. This is contrary to 2000s of articles, but nobody's ever done any experiments.

492. And so we're very, very confident.

493. But now that that it is authentic.

494. You know what?

495. This is a terrible idea for a sitcom.

496. Hey, wait a second, didn't I?

497. And tell us she'd give us a recipe for grilled cheese?

498. We hear it's divine.

499. Turn it on to about five, five and a half.

500. You put your

501. your cheese, land O'Lakes cheese

502. and public spread.

503. No oil, no butter.

504. She's done the pan,

505. and you just cook it.

506. Oh, wait. Look what's happening.

507. Oh my God, look, look, look out over the court.

508. There's it's it's another miracle sandwich. Another one.

509. There's an image of a dam.

510. Too late.

511. So the all powerful creator of the universe

512. is communicating with us through leaky, oily statues, grilled cheese sandwiches,

513. or by redesigning the woodgrain of a bathroom door.

514. It's hard to find fault with that logic.

515. Oh my lord, tell her it is the mystic bunny in the pancake.

516. Look at that. The ears, little cottontail.

517. It's the mystic. No, no, it's not the mystic duck.

518. That's not a beak. You're seeing the beak because you want to see a beak.

519. Neither duck nor bunny, neither death nor bunny.

520. It's a couple fucking see in the little the browner part. Right.

521. There's no no, no, no.

522. Truth is, you see,

523. whenever you want to see, if you want to see a duck, you see a duck.

524. It's a pancake.

525. That's what it is.

526. And here's an idea for all you religious rubes.

527. If you're hellbent on tossing your money into the pits of hell, go to a carnival

528. and at least have some fun playing with real American icons.

529. In the meantime, America claims religious icons for all.

530. Bullshit. Take it with a grain of salt.

531. Or maybe a little Massachusetts maple sirup.

532. Oh that's good. Eat.

533. The true believer will never be dis convinced of anything,

534. no matter how strong the evidence is against it.

535. The true believer will always believe because they embrace it.

536. They have a miracle in their hands.

537. They clutch it and they say, I got a piece of heaven right in my hand here.

538. Has your mother ever experienced anything like this before?

539. All she did,

540. she did in a picture.

541. I don't know if you guys saw it.

542. You guys see the picture?

543. You guys see the other picture?

544. Jesus, show your,

545. It. You guys.

546. Did you guys see this picture?

547. All right.

548. This picture was taken, like, 15 years ago here in Waterbury.

549. Austin. Roll it. The picture saw all day.

550. I got, like, orange spot.

551. Never mind the orange spots.

552. What do you see here?

553. I see clouds and sun.

554. Right.

555. There's an eye right here.

556. Eye right here in the nose here.

557. I don't know if you see that.

558. There's the eye right here. Another.

559. I hear the eyelash in the nose.

560. You see that?

561. That's Jesus.

562. God, I love that.