Penn & Teller: Bull! 3x10

1. Hi, I'm Penn Jillette.

2. There's a lot of unexplained shit in the world.

3. Things go bump.

4. Books fall off, shelves suck.

5. We can't explain why showtime keeps us on the air.

6. According to some polls, 51% of Americans

7. believe the unexplained shit is caused by ghosts.

8. Come on. Ghosts.

9. If somehow the pollster guys are correct in their guesstimates,

10. we're pretty sure that none of that 51% watches this show.

11. And we don't want them.

12. We don't mind preaching to the converted if the non converted

13. are that fucking stupid.

14. We're among friends here and we like it that way.

15. I mean are we really going to have to do a bullshit episode about Elvis sightings?

16. Ghosts and pollsters are bullshit.

17. I don't.

18. Have. Any.

19. Boo boo boo boo boo.

20. Do you.

21. Tonight we're spending the country in the search

22. for ghostly ectoplasm, mysterious electrical fields and the truth.

23. Not necessarily in that order.

24. This team of Ghostbusters. Hey.

25. One of them is pretty hot, and we're not saying

26. which one will give us a tour of the most haunted town in Texas.

27. We'll also meet another Ghostbuster who calls what he does science

28. and his assistants.

29. A lady who talks to the dead.

30. An Ivy League professor who says ghosts are a load of hooey.

31. And the 2004 Nobel Prize winner in physics,

32. who for some reason, we interviewed in his garage.

33. The idea of ghosts is fucked up in so many ways.

34. The dead always return dressed or wearing sheets.

35. Wouldn't real ghosts always been naked like this?

36. Why would clothing

37. have an afterlife if not baptized newborns?

38. Sons of Catholics aren't saved.

39. Would Jesus die on the cross for my socks?

40. Is the soaked cycle of my washing machine baptizing their souls?

41. And if clothing does have a soul, why don't your old shirts come back to

42. haunt you?

43. Maybe the dead are returning because they want to change their clothes.

44. Because their pants are too tight.

45. Ghost.

46. Ghost. Ghosts.

47. We scoured the globe to find them.

48. We traveled all the way to Leesburg, Virginia,

49. then made our way across to Jefferson, Texas.

50. Okay, we didn't really cross the globe.

51. We barely left our time zone.

52. In Jefferson, we met Nick, Lisa, and Clayton.

53. They're ghost hunters.

54. In Leesburg, we found Joe Holbert.

55. He's a paranormal investigator.

56. Two teams who believe in ghosts.

57. But will either one actually find anything?

58. Not sure.

59. I haven't read far enough into the script.

60. Up first.

61. Leesburg, Virginia.

62. Locals say this French cafe is haunted.

63. Look at that sign.

64. It's moving by itself.

65. What?

66. Oh, just the wind.

67. I almost pissed myself.

68. And that's, Joe Hobart.

69. He is the head of Virginia Science research.

70. There are a team of ghost hunters.

71. Slash ghost chasers slash Ghostbusters.

72. But our ghost hunters are not ghost chasers.

73. We're not Ghostbusters. We are strict scientists.

74. using equipment and, protocols.

75. Wow, a real scientist.

76. Have we thought this show was just going to be

77. a parade of whack jobs with beeping meters and name badges?

78. Thankfully, that's not you.

79. We are working with.

80. With hard science and hard science. In fact.

81. Hard science and attractive young assistants.

82. So what's Joe's area of expertise?

83. Electromagnetic fields.

84. It looks like the chicks dig them well.

85. Electromagnetic fields are very common.

86. They're everywhere.

87. we all have them as humans.

88. And the planet has one.

89. But these are.

90. Well, we're looking for fields that are that are not supposed to be there.

91. Joe says ghosts leave behind energy fields, too.

92. Go ahead, Joe, ditch the badge.

93. You're on TV now. You're a celebrity.

94. When people say that, they see something or hear something, we find a field.

95. What ghost?

96. Two people see at the Eiffel Tower cafe.

97. A tall man in a top hat who lived during the 1830s.

98. So, Lincoln, a young Lincoln, can make contact with the ghost.

99. Joe and his assistants are going to use this device specially designed

100. to detect electromagnetic fields around invisible top hats.

101. So, Joe, explain.

102. Why the fuck would you use an electric meter to detect a nonphysical entity?

103. And if it's paranormal beyond science, why would you pretend you're a scientist?

104. Hey, come on, pick some more shit up, would you?

105. Boys, light energy here.

106. Oh, this is what we call a fixed field.

107. Because that field does not move.

108. It's attached only to the building.

109. It's just like Christy.

110. But it's like Christy with some kind of memory attached to us.

111. It's just an image that's stuck in time.

112. Kind of like a paranormal video.

113. Joe, the bad news is that makes no fucking sense.

114. The good news is our music makes you almost forget.

115. It makes no fucking sense.

116. We're going to leave here for a bit and head to Jefferson, Texas, where

117. ghosts have been spotted at this old abandoned building

118. and in the popular Jefferson Hotel and in this house.

119. And it's here we met this team of ghost hunters.

120. Now, some people say we make people look like idiots on this show.

121. All right, we'll make these idiots look cool.

122. They already walk almost in step.

123. They got leather jackets, maybe leatherette shit.

124. We'll even give a techno soundtrack.

125. Now slow it down.

126. What does it look like? Film.

127. Oh, ghost hunters look cool in sepia.

128. Now, how could we be nicer than that?

129. Okay, that's all we're going to get out of us now.

130. Let's watch them fuck themselves.

131. I think this is a, We have a very experienced team

132. of ghost hunters and paranormal investigators.

133. Lisa Farwell, paranormal investigator and author of Haunted Texas Vacations.

134. Under Texas Vacations.

135. Where have I seen that?

136. Wasn't that the title of her paper in Scientific American,

137. or was that in the journal nature?

138. Oh, no no no, wait wait wait.

139. Maybe I'm thinking of the map rack of the Jefferson Hotel.

140. That's it.

141. Right next to the Cave of Mystery brochure.

142. My interest in the paranormal began when I was 15.

143. my father passed away, and about a week after he died,

144. I saw him standing in our living room.

145. The perfect choice for an impartial observer.

146. The week after my dad died, I was in no state

147. to answer the phone, let alone decide to do science.

148. Lisa heads a team of investigators that includes Nick Redfern.

149. He's the bald guy, and Clayton Stapleton,

150. the guy who isn't bald and isn't a woman.

151. One theory that's been put forward to explain why ghosts

152. might remain around after death, if you like, is not for their benefit.

153. It's not for the ghost's benefit,

154. but to actually try and comfort the surviving relatives and friends.

155. Do you even know what the word theory means?

156. You must think it means shit that you make up.

157. Is he trying to make Joe and his beeping meter seem scientific by comparison?

158. Nick is the editor of phenomenon magazine.

159. And it covers everything from UFOs to ghosts

160. to Bigfoot to life after death conspiracy theories.

161. Hey, just like this show, without the critical thinking and the research.

162. Oh, and the desire to find reality and common sense.

163. And he doesn't use the word asshole as much.

164. So actually, nothing like our show.

165. The last member of Lisa's team is Clayton.

166. He's the tech guy.

167. That means he gets to carry the camcorder and tripod.

168. But why should we be hunting ghosts?

169. I say that, people couldn't believe man could fly.

170. And we did.

171. people couldn't believe that man could go to the moon.

172. And we have.

173. And I believe ghost or paranormal activity is just

174. the essence of a person who lived.

175. Breathe. And

176. they're gone on to the next dimension.

177. And we believe that you believe that believing is all

178. it takes to make something real.

179. But flying and going to the moon took more than believing.

180. It took hard work.

181. Science does tell us that there is matter and there's energy.

182. What I believe is that when our physical bodies

183. die, this energy is left.

184. And according to your colleague, bald Nick,

185. that energy comes back to give solace to the bereaved.

186. Let's think about that.

187. How much solace do we get from having our electronics fucked up

188. and feeling a chill in the air?

189. The spirits come back from the dead because they forgot

190. to make someone uncomfortable.

191. Let's for a minute assume

192. we don't think calling ghost typing scientific is an insult to real science.

193. Sorry. Can't do it.

194. It's a it's a fucking insult to real science.

195. But they sure try to sound scientific.

196. There are a lot of techniques that paranormal investigators

197. use to try to measure the presence of ghosts.

198. using a variety of equipment.

199. some of the tools of the trade are,

200. electromagnetic field detectors.

201. That's the chick magnet Joe was using.

202. And Lisa's got one, too.

203. They also use digital cameras, 35 millimeter cameras, a video camera,

204. tape recorders record electronic voice phenomenon, a device

205. that detects changes in temperature that would be a thermometer.

206. And this cool looking gun that picks up sounds and can be used to track Bigfoot.

207. Bigfoot hunters like to use it down in the woods.

208. And we all know how effective that's been.

209. And which of these devices was actually designed and proven to detect

210. ghosts, not a needle pointing, battery operated stick of it.

211. But let's let them put their circuits to use up first in this abandoned building.

212. And hey, there's Lisa, Nick and Clayton.

213. Let's do the effect again.

214. No others do.

215. The two ghost hunters.

216. But they're ghost hunters.

217. Once inside, the team got right to work, and so did Gary Stockdale,

218. who writes our music.

219. We use things like this EMF detector to help,

220. point in the right direction

221. of anomalous energy.

222. I'm using night

223. scope on this camera, so usually I can see orbs flying around.

224. If there's any orbs.

225. And I'm not getting any.

226. For once, we agree with you 100%.

227. There's there's a lot of this that we're not getting.

228. What I'm hoping is that if we're getting anomalous readings

229. on the EMF detector and I take pictures in the same location,

230. and if anything anomalous turns up, then potentially we can put the two together

231. and make a case for something unusual being in that particular vicinity.

232. So if something he doesn't understand happens, or better still, if two things

233. he doesn't understand happen, he concludes he has a haunted manhole.

234. And we're getting an unusually high reading on our EMF detector.

235. Ghost hunters are classic pseudo scientists.

236. They think they're doing science.

237. They're sort of running around playing

238. at being scientists, but they're not doing any actual science.

239. Doctor Stephen Novella is a physician, a professor of neurology

240. at the Yale University

241. School of Medicine and president of the New England Skeptical Society.

242. And he is harvesting brains.

243. Oh, no, that's that's just a model.

244. Simply recording electromagnetic waves and spinning a fancy scientific

245. sounding theory about what could be causing it is not doing science.

246. Well, I think it's interesting.

247. You know, we're getting these anomalous readings on the EMF detector

248. so you can actually detect something, even if visually you're not able to see it.

249. Science is about formulating a way of testing your ideas

250. and then and then subjecting it to an experimentation or an observation

251. that could that could potentially prove false.

252. In science, we have the motto that,

253. extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

254. This is doctor Frank will check a professor at MIT with a PhD in physics.

255. He knows ghost hunters are full of it.

256. The phenomena they claim don't fit easily or at all

257. into a very powerful, very coherent

258. view of the world that I and my colleagues

259. have developed over centuries of careful investigation.

260. And who are his, colleagues?

261. Oh, just all the other Nobel Prize winners. Yep.

262. Doctor Frank will check.

263. Is the 2004 Nobel Prize winner in physics.

264. Let's just look at him for a minute.

265. This is the smartest guy we've ever had on the show.

266. All right, this guy gets a really cool effect.

267. Oh, and our winning discovery was,

268. figuring out what protons and neutrons

269. are made out of, namely quarks and gluons.

270. Quarks and gluons.

271. So you really work on testing your theories.

272. You don't just make shit up.

273. Yeah, whatever. Nobel dude.

274. So are the ghost or what?

275. When the, physical operation of the brain and other parts of the body stop,

276. then there's no known or credible mechanism,

277. whereby what used to be going on,

278. can continue to affect the physical world.

279. Wow. Can we just stay with doctor will Jack and forget the morons?

280. Well, they're easy to make jokes about.

281. We'll come back to our real scientist in a bit.

282. I can't tell you how excited we are waiting for each other to die.

283. There are a lot of reasons, but the main one is

284. the only way he communicates with me is through cold

285. spots, drafts, electromagnetic fluctuations.

286. That means when teller is dead,

287. I'll still be able to understand his messages from beyond.

288. I've already worked out the chill code.

289. he's asking me

290. why, when we have a chance to talk to a Nobel Prize winner.

291. We're asking such stupid, fucking insulting elementary school questions

292. when Doctor Wheeljack could be teaching us about quarks.

293. I know, man, it's tough.

294. Now watch the compass.

295. Now, teller is saying that he wishes this bit were over

296. because he's hungry for some grouper with black eyed peas

297. and artichoke hearts and some butterscotch pudding for dessert

298. with whipped cream.

299. But he has one more comment.

300. Let's head back to Leesburg, Virginia.

301. Perhaps Joe's gotten our message and will be a little more lucid

302. about his work.

303. Before people could actually see something.

304. This field we have to register over 100 millivolts.

305. Nope.

306. Okay, Joe.

307. Now, why don't you just introduce us to the scientists you work with?

308. This is Kate, and she's, does a lot of technical stuff for us.

309. Uses equipment. So.

310. Kate looks like a nice person.

311. We have to make sure everything's documented.

312. We don't have anything interfering with what we're getting on.

313. Try fields or anything human at all.

314. So documenting try fields.

315. Kate must have gone MIT and got a degree in electrical engineering, right?

316. Kate is

317. currently at school working on her degree in psychology.

318. Got it.

319. What about this other observer? She's standing around.

320. Must be a scientist in charge of protocol.

321. I do.

322. Title examinations for, an insurance company.

323. What about this other team member?

324. She's writing shit down.

325. I work for a shelter companion in hospice care.

326. Fuck.

327. I mean, it's great to help people who are dying, but I'm starting to suspect

328. that Joe's hiring criteria is based solely on the perking of the technicians.

329. Gluons, and not on their resume.

330. Last chance.

331. Maybe this guy who takes pictures of ghosts is a scientist.

332. I'm a fine art photographer, and I do not photograph ghosts.

333. Finally, someone with some passion.

334. Let's have him say one more thing.

335. Oh, get a load of this.

336. Are you a Ghostbuster?

337. It's an insult to call me a Ghostbuster.

338. We're not hunting ghosts.

339. Easy, big fella.

340. You think Ghostbuster is an insult?

341. How about asshole? Asshole?

342. You know what? This team needs?

343. Well, other than a smack on the side of the head, a psychic.

344. We could never use a psychic on our team.

345. It's not possible.

346. It would invalidate the data we got.

347. Joe's right.

348. Psychics have nothing to do with science, but they have a lot to do with funny TV.

349. This is Deborah Harrigan.

350. She's the psychic we brought to piss off Joe.

351. We put Deborah in the same room where Joe and his team searched

352. for electrical energy left behind by a tall man with a hat.

353. What would she say?

354. You see somebody right now? Yes.

355. Yes. Well, yes, I do see someone right now.

356. She, This particular person is standing,

357. maybe a foot or so behind me.

358. With luck, it's a waitress, and she's got a big, tall glass of.

359. Shut the fuck up.

360. Back in Jefferson, Texas. Clayton.

361. Lisa and Nick arrived at this house.

362. Hey, here's the owner. His name's Mitch.

363. There is no doubt in my mind that there are supernatural experiences

364. that happen almost on a daily basis in this house.

365. And historically, when we look back, they've been happening

366. for a number of years.

367. The team didn't waste any time.

368. They headed straight for the attic. Why?

369. Because in an old house, that's where the creepy shit happens.

370. Everyone knows that.

371. But before they got there.

372. Clayton's, battery on his camera just died and came back. On.

373. No spooky music, Gary.

374. We will not help them with the music.

375. That's better.

376. We had a huge spike, and all of a sudden my camera was dead.

377. These presences really seem to affect batteries and electrical equipment.

378. Okay, it's just a dead battery.

379. But when you're starved for entertainment, it'll have to do.

380. And in the attic, some more shit happened.

381. Just freak out.

382. Oh, my gosh, look at his camera's going crazy.

383. Now, again, interesting, because we were picking up some really

384. high readings on the EMF detector

385. just prior to the camera malfunction.

386. Batteries can die for for unknown reasons.

387. electrical equipment is notoriously unreliable.

388. When things don't happen exactly as as you might expect them to be,

389. the tendency is to interpret it as whatever phenomenon you're interested in.

390. If you're interested in ghost, a ghost,

391. if you're interested in aliens, then an alien did it.

392. The team was so excited

393. with their discovery, they immediately checked into this hotel.

394. Sadly, it was just to look for more ghosts than.

395. There are several spirits that haunt the hotel.

396. everyone from, former prostitutes to ghostly children

397. that have been heard running up and down the stairs and down the hallway.

398. Things like that.

399. All the way up to a ghost climbing in bed and spooning you,

400. which I would have not guessed would ever happen to me, but it did.

401. In the Jefferson Hotel.

402. You heard right.

403. Lisa was spawned by a ghost.

404. Plus, the ghost ate all the snacks out of the minibar.

405. Bastard. You know what that should cost?

406. Back at the hotel, the team was headed to the very room where Lisa got groped.

407. Hey, Gary.

408. It's a cool shot again.

409. Try, some spaghetti western music.

410. First, Clayton's set up his camera,

411. and they took some readings and some photos.

412. And then, for some reason, we turned on the night vision.

413. Clayton turned on a mini cassette to record EVP.

414. That's ghost voices.

415. Then in the avant garde portion of our program, Lisa spoke to the bed.

416. What is your name?

417. More night vision than some listening.

418. Listening with the Big Foot gun.

419. Even Nick got bored.

420. Then they stared at the camera.

421. And Lisa summed up the night.

422. So basically, in here, we're not picking up anything,

423. with any of the equipment. Oh.

424. I wonder what they would have reported if we hadn't been there.

425. And then a pseudo scientist dressed in leather

426. stumbled clumsily around the well lit bedroom.

427. One of them said the night before she felt the presence,

428. and the other two believed her.

429. A battery went dead

430. and then the video screen got weird for a few seconds.

431. They took lots and lots of pictures and weeks later

432. when they were developed, a couple of them had lens flare

433. and they didn't remember fucking up the pictures.

434. And then

435. the electromagnetic gizmo that they hadn't calibrated at all

436. went from 3 to 7,

437. getting some every time.

438. Okay.

439. Ghostbusters are primarily motivated

440. by just the appeal fascination of the fantastical.

441. life is more interesting if you're running around hunting ghosts

442. than if you're just spending your 9

443. to 5 in your cubicle and not doing anything else.

444. Let's knock off a few more of these mysteries like EVP,

445. Electronic Voice Phenomena, recording ghost voices.

446. They're really just dredging vast amounts

447. of noise and data for an apparent word or two.

448. And then, of course, they believe that that that is a communication from a ghost.

449. When we get back home, I'll be listening to the tape.

450. I'll be listening to headphones so I can listen to every noise that is made.

451. Every whisper on the tape.

452. Oh, if I can even stay awake listening to him talk about it.

453. And what about orbs?

454. Lisa?

455. Nick took these photos and sent them to us, along with a note that says,

456. these are two orbs that we caught on digital camera during our investigation.

457. Adding an orb is the basic energy pattern of the spirit world.

458. Okay, and here's what they say an orb is.

459. And this thing two.

460. Is that fucking proof of a ghost to you?

461. It could be a smudge on the lenses or the.

462. Wall. Man.

463. When you're a hot chick, you can get away with a lot of dumb ass shit.

464. Lisa said to let her know if we had any more questions.

465. Well we do.

466. How the fuck do you have the nerve to call this bumbling bullshit science?

467. Late that night, the team

468. went back to that grate in the floor in that old abandoned building.

469. See? Readings going pretty much off the scale right now.

470. We got elevated readings where there really wasn't

471. any electrical circuits that could interfere with the AMF.

472. And yet this was in precisely the same location where people are talked

473. about actually saying, you know, spirits, disembodied spirits, etc..

474. Look. The idiot's got to go down there.

475. I mean, that's something I enjoy doing is actually kind of,

476. you know, getting into the thick of things and carrying out a as in-depth

477. an investigation as possible.

478. Climbing down a well at night is kind of spooky.

479. And I guess, you know, late at night, you know, in a cellar in a haunted house

480. is the ideal location to do the investigation and.

481. Climb on down there. Shaggy.

482. Okay.

483. Wish me luck.

484. Got a Scooby Snacks with you?

485. I think when I was in the cellar perched upon this rocky ladder, you know,

486. with no lighting, and it was kind of like an underground chamber full of water.

487. It was an underground chamber full of water.

488. It's a sewer.

489. Oh, that's

490. that's a that is literally

491. at the very end of the chart.

492. And what's obviously very interesting is

493. there can't be anything electrical down in that setting at all.

494. What do you mean?

495. It's interesting.

496. I oh, fuck.

497. Let's just get out of the sewer and head back to Leesburg, Virginia

498. and see how Joe's misusing his machinery today.

499. Maybe he'll put his tongue on a battery.

500. Sadly, no.

501. Now, he says he's found a mysterious

502. electrical field on this pineapple, staircase.

503. This wood should not have an electrical field.

504. Just shouldn't. Now, it's literally impossible.

505. electromagnetic signals are everywhere.

506. And especially in

507. any home with electricity is going to have signals with power wires running nearby.

508. There's going to be electromagnetic fields.

509. So what?

510. Joe and his team and Lisa

511. and her team have relied so heavily on the device that they're dancing around

512. with is proof of paranormal activity, is measuring household wiring.

513. Yes, sir. Graham, off.

514. Electromagnetic fields are simply ubiquitous in our world.

515. So is it any wonder the meters were beeping

516. in this lit room and the nicely lit stairs of the attic?

517. Look, there's an electrical panel on the wall and all these sockets.

518. And here and in the hotel room there are lamps and lights and a video camera.

519. And the Eiffel Tower cafe.

520. Lights and plugs, too.

521. And this house with the banister.

522. Lights in the ceiling on the wall. Fuck.

523. Electric wiring is everywhere.

524. Not only that, electricity is also behind several other scientific principles.

525. That to the ignorant, I see mysterious.

526. But the scientists are well understood.

527. So here, by controlling an AC current,

528. I induce magnetic and electric fields that

529. can move this,

530. ring up and down.

531. And if you didn't know about the laws of physics,

532. you would think it was some sort of magic or spirit at work.

533. And this cool spinning top.

534. Look, it's floating in midair.

535. We're looking at magnetic fields holding up a spinning top.

536. It's a well understood physical effect, although quite an interesting

537. and subtle one for physicists.

538. Damn. That's cool.

539. So there's nothing left to debunk except this.

540. Why do people believe in ghosts?

541. Our sensory apparatus was,

542. built to deal with certain kinds of problems.

543. Like, sensing saber tooth tigers and being ready to run away.

544. I get it, our senses are built to detect big things.

545. Predators, dramatic changes in temperature.

546. But not the little things.

547. Things like little gusts of wind at a distance

548. or a static electricity or magnetic fields.

549. Those could confuse us.

550. So some of us start making shit up.

551. And then some instinct to generalize that to spirits.

552. Somehow causing those events.

553. The ghost hunters haven't even established that any of their phenomenon,

554. whether it's, cold spots or

555. EMF fields or photographs, are anomalous,

556. let alone saying that the anomaly is due to spirits.

557. So there are two steps away from anything that would be assigned to argument.

558. We'd love to be scientists and get to wear a lab coat,

559. but the problem is you have to be really smart and study for years

560. before they'll even let you in the lab to wash the dishes.

561. I just want to be a scientist,

562. like a guy who's five foot four wanted to play in the NBA.

563. That ain't going to happen.

564. So we do the best we can.

565. We cheer.

566. We're cheerleaders for science.

567. We can't play in the big game.

568. But fuck, at least we can wave pom poms.

569. Ghost hunters have that same fetish for science,

570. but they don't just cheer like us.

571. They dress up and jerk off.

572. Real scientists spend most of their lives finding nothing.

573. When they find stuff, it's really sexy because it's real.

574. A science fetish is great, but

575. if you're not going to do the real shit, be a cheerleader like us.

576. Maybe someday someone will let you wear a lab coat.

577. To me. You.