Penn & Teller: Bull! 2x7

1. Wow. That, that chee flowing through gives me a little tingle.

2. My name is Penn. This is teller.

3. We can feel what you're thinking.

4. We can see in your minds as you've.

5. You've tuned into our show.

6. Because, you know, tonight, in this very special night,

7. we will explore the the wisdom and wonder

8. of the philosophy known as new age.

9. And as you professionals call it, New Age.

10. We hear the nurturing voice of Mother Earth speaking from the core of our

11. collective ancient soul and uniting us in a single, joyful

12. cry of bullshit.

13. Ha ha ha ha!

14. Hey hey!

15. Boo boo boo you!

16. You do you.

17. Remember when hippies tuned in, turned on and dropped out?

18. They didn't know.

19. It might have turned out cool, but looking back on it now, it was just silly.

20. And that's fine. It's all right.

21. We live in a more enlightened and reasoning age.

22. Well, no, the moon is no longer in the seventh

23. house, and Jupiter is way out of alignment with Mars.

24. But some of the more industrious hippies found a way to parlay tie dye

25. thinking into business.

26. See how they see how the green is sort of coming out.

27. They're selling a spiritual grab bag of feel good flower child beliefs,

28. treatments and lifestyles from yoga to herbs to tarot cards to even something

29. called tantric sex, all claiming to enlighten the mind, body and soul.

30. We have a, bullshit theory.

31. It's quite simple, actually.

32. It's just we don't think anyone believes this

33. new age crap, not the people selling it, not the people buying it.

34. Know what they like, can delight someone to talk to

35. about their problems, like acting silly or a hike through some pretty countryside.

36. You set them down to a cup of coffee, looked him in the eye that admit New Age

37. is just an excuse to take some time out to get a massage, you know?

38. But when you talk to New Age, you just want to smack him in the head.

39. Then it smells nice.

40. That's up here. That's a biscuit. Viscous

41. tea tree oil tea tree.

42. Let's take a big inhale.

43. Draw the arms to the sky.

44. These people are stretching their muscles.

45. And exhale bend the knees.

46. Relax the. Head. Nothing wrong with that.

47. Stretching your muscles is a cheap, healthy, relaxing thing to do.

48. Two cheap.

49. In fact, the new age entrepreneurs want more than you'd pay for an exercise

50. class today.

51. Claim to stretch your consciousness while shrinking your waistline

52. and broadening your future choices for sexual positions.

53. Let's take a big inhale and reach the arms to the sky.

54. This pricey cosmic stretching is called yoga,

55. and your so-called consciousness doesn't take up extra space in the gym,

56. so it's added value with no extra overhead.

57. Yoga is about the science, the mind, because, what we're doing

58. is practicing the the peace that we are, we have within.

59. Come on. It's stretching.

60. It's given my life in myself where I am right now, a purpose stretching.

61. The main thing that it does is it helps to bring awareness

62. to the body, bring awareness to the mind.

63. Stretching brings health.

64. It brings balance and brings joy to people.

65. Good and exhale.

66. Eyes can remain closed.

67. Here's the stretching teacher.

68. She's very good at helping your students stretch

69. and liberate themselves from the material world.

70. I'm going to start over here with our kids cards.

71. These are yoga postures for children on cards,

72. and we have, kids DVD and VHS yoga Fit Kids.

73. This is my book published by Human Kinetics,

74. the largest sports publishing company in the world.

75. We've got Power Yoga Fit over here, yoga ABS, which also utilizes the core ball,

76. of course, yoga, but Yoga Fit Basics are beginners DVD senior Yoga Fit

77. starring my mother, June Shaw, and we also have prenatal for those expecting.

78. Wow, that's a lot of stretching.

79. And oh, sorry, she's still going. In yoga.

80. Class.

81. I can sleep easy at night knowing that I have.

82. Served.

83. The fitness environment.

84. She meant to say stretching environment.

85. Forget the mind body, soul claims.

86. Does this lengthy stretching even do anything?

87. Studies have shown that any stretching over 30s does squat.

88. They did an experiment where they went for 60s versus 30s.

89. They saw no improvement.

90. I'm Doctor Stephen Rice, a sports medicine physician.

91. I'm a media resource spokesperson for the American College of Sports

92. Medicine and Yoga.

93. They'll often hold positions for several minutes.

94. And so the question of whether you're really

95. gaining a measurable difference in your flexibility beyond

96. the 30s is really not been been demonstrated one way or the other.

97. It's tough to find time to devote to exercise.

98. It seems so self-centered to spend time away from job, relationship, and kids.

99. Just a stretch.

100. How can we justify that time?

101. Well, you call it spiritual.

102. Hey, I'll be more centered, cool and kind if I do yoga.

103. fuck that.

104. It feels great to stretch and that's enough.

105. Maybe even puts you in a good mood and helps

106. you be cooler and kinder, so why not lose the bullshit?

107. Keep the stretching, stretching,

108. good mysticism bad.

109. But yoga or stretching is just the tip

110. of the new age iceberg.

111. New age and new age thinking has come into the mainstream.

112. Rick Ross cult and New age researcher.

113. It's, everything from crystals and their special energy power.

114. To. Vortexes to. Channeling.

115. And herbs. Don't. Don't forget about herbs.

116. We went to an IRB convention

117. because there's a convention for everything and met this, gal.

118. And like everyone here, she thinks herbs like passion flower,

119. Yorba Marty, and something looks remarkably like

120. fossilized dog shit are the answer to just about everything.

121. I believe that plants contain innate wisdom

122. based on the wisdom of our planet as a as a being itself.

123. they work together

124. in synergistic ways to provide everything

125. that we need in terms of medicine, food, all kinds of healing.

126. It's not just bald chicks that think this way.

127. Here's a guy with hair and a tie and he's just as nutty.

128. Hi there.

129. My name is Otis Sherrington and I'm a novelist.

130. And behind me are all the different medicines

131. that herbs come in. Notice he doesn't say Doctor Otis Cherrington.

132. The good news is he's willing to play one on TV.

133. Herbs

134. have helped in a vast degree

135. from since men had diseases.

136. Okay that we know of.

137. We've had written from Egypt all the way till now.

138. You do?

139. So what do herbs like wormwood and they can Asia supposedly do.

140. See if you can follow this.

141. Herbs are

142. I should say I was I would say easily digested

143. and and become part of and combined with the human body.

144. When there is a peaceful stress less

145. a mental condition called health,

146. a healthy mental attitude towards herbs

147. is, towards our herbs, towards healing and letting go of problems.

148. Herbs work much more better that way, and they even work that.

149. They even work to some degree without that condition.

150. If you believe they work, they work.

151. If you don't, they don't.

152. You hardly ever hear that about penicillin.

153. And there are a number of things that herbs have done for me.

154. they've certainly helped me with my energy levels.

155. I've healed myself from chronic fatigue.

156. Epstein-Barr, Lyme disease, chronic arthritis.

157. and they've helped with all of those ailments.

158. If a person is so deeply invested in a new Age belief

159. that they are not, getting proper medical attention, that they're

160. ignoring symptoms of an illness, that that perhaps they need to address,

161. this can become a very unbalanced life.

162. So next, on our new age tour, tarot cards.

163. Practitioners of tarot say that these mystical cards are mirrors to your soul.

164. How about your prayer cards you pull out reflect your destiny?

165. Well, we set out to fuck with destiny a little bit by putting tarot to the test.

166. We set up shop in a downtown L.A.

167. loft gym under down.

168. A skeptical investigator for the center for inquiry, West agreed

169. to help us find out if a deck of cards can reveal our true selves.

170. We're on a date with destiny.

171. Believers think that tarot cards actually have magical powers in and of themselves.

172. In reality, tarot card readers aren't just visually analyzing someone,

173. they're picking up on their behavior.

174. They're picking up on their answers or picking up on their clothing

175. or appearance.

176. And they're you really using that to make the predictions and analysis

177. that the cards are there is really incidental to the reading.

178. To prove it, we went after three different tarot specialists.

179. Each one thought they were the only reader involved in the shoot.

180. Yeah. We're assholes.

181. First up was this guy.

182. I'm Mark watcher. I'm a tarot card reader.

183. While Mark was

184. getting ready, our man Jim turned himself into a pathetic loser,

185. complete with whiskers, dirty clothes, even tequila breath.

186. Why the make over to show the tarot reading

187. is really nothing more than the age old technique of cold reading.

188. I'm writing.

189. So what I'd like you to do first is

190. please shuffle the cards at least three times.

191. Jim was really poor and on the losing personality

192. would mark our first tarot reader buy into his act.

193. Represents work

194. so their surroundings aren't able to support you regarding work.

195. Oh, but you have to get the resumés out.

196. You have to let people know that you're available.

197. Yeah, okay.

198. He took one look at me and he saw three day growth, appeared

199. and thought, I'm unemployed or I'm sporadically employed.

200. And that's my major problem and that's why I'm here.

201. Remember, nothing will change until you do.

202. First. Yeah.

203. In reality, I'm happily employed, and,

204. I work a lot, and I love my job on top of it.

205. I see a broom and a spotlight.

206. In your future.

207. We'll get back to Mark in a bit.

208. Let's show you what happened with our next test subject.

209. Who isn't quite sure what she is.

210. Hello.

211. My name is Regina Perlmutter and I am a tarot reader.

212. Hello.

213. My name is Regina Perlmutter, and I am a tarot reader and a psychic.

214. Hello. My name is Regina Perlmutter.

215. I am a tarot reader, a psychic, and a psychotherapist.

216. We revamped Loser Gym and a completely different character,

217. a slick, highly stressed businessman, and we even told him to ham it up.

218. Let him, Regina, first catch a glimpse of him this way.

219. How many times we'll have to go to this with you?

220. Jesus.

221. Yeah.

222. If you want to keep your job.

223. Look, they're waiting for me.

224. I gotta go, all right, all right. Fine.

225. Hi, Regina. Hello.

226. Sorry about that.

227. Nice to meet you.

228. Nice to meet you.

229. Okay.

230. So please pick ten cards and hand them to me.

231. Ten cards any time now.

232. Remember, this is the very same gym as an hour ago.

233. If tarot cards really work, the reading should be the same.

234. Okay, so what I see is, that there's been,

235. probably a lot of hard work, some stress and some exhaustion.

236. I probably feel you're pretty tired at this time.

237. Is that suddenly,

238. instead of saying Jim needs a job now, the cards are saying he works too hard.

239. Ma'am, his basic character has changed a lot in an hour.

240. Because I see you have a tendency.

241. Even when you're not at work physically, you tend to think about work a lot.

242. I feel you have power issues.

243. Our sting was working like a charm.

244. Well, not really like a charm at all. A charm doesn't do. Dick.

245. Our scam is working like a clock.

246. Like a working clock with fresh battery.

247. We'll have more fun with Gina later on.

248. But right now, let's check in on Jim's third persona.

249. The studious, hardworking family man

250. and our third target.

251. I'm Alma Lopez, psychic tarot card reader.

252. Hi, sweetie. How are you doing?

253. Yeah, good.

254. Everything's going well.

255. I'll see you a little bit later.

256. I'll give you a call as soon as we get done with this stuff.

257. And, let's go out for dinner.

258. Yeah. You cook enough. That's fine.

259. Hi, I'm Jim.

260. Look at all the smile.

261. She thinks she's got all she needs to know to nail this bullshit reading.

262. Take ten cards. Okay.

263. One, two.

264. Three.

265. By now, you know where this is going. Okay.

266. This one is the lovers.

267. Love is going to stick and stay.

268. Shows you very happy in love, in marriage.

269. I am not married, and I'm not currently in any relationship.

270. you've chosen the symbol

271. of the amiable small.

272. The charade is even good enough.

273. Recall the dog and pony show.

274. It's just plain pony.

275. And it ain't a free ride.

276. I charge $25.

277. I charge a dollar a minute.

278. I charge $125.

279. Parading in my home.

280. You know, we love playing cards.

281. We just don't get the mystic shit.

282. Why not a round of poker, We all learn a lot more

283. from a friendly game of poker with our friends.

284. And we ever would from a tarot reader.

285. On the other hand, if you could charge me 125 bucks

286. to play cards with them, why take a chance on poker?

287. Pieces are starting to fall together.

288. Would you put it up here?

289. Let's go to Sedona, Arizona.

290. It's a beautiful place, only somewhat diminished by the availability

291. of $10 psychic readings and $10,000 crystal balls.

292. There are hundreds of ways

293. to buy spiritual enlightenment here, and people come in droves. Why?

294. The real reason is because it's beautiful.

295. The bullshit reason is a Sedona is the epicenter of 20 powerful vortexes.

296. And what the fuck is a vortex?

297. A vortex is a giant magnet of energy that's natural to the Mother Earth.

298. I'm Suzanne McMillan McTavish, the owner of Sedona Heart Center.

299. Welcome.

300. These power sites are doorways for spirit,

301. for the energy to come in from the heavens,

302. to go to the center of the earth, to go around the earth.

303. And according to Suzanne,

304. there are huge benefits to be reaped if you tap into the vortexes.

305. Power is what we are doing when we call on these energies

306. is bringing them in to empower us in our life now.

307. So for anywhere from $175 for a tour

308. to 3500 bucks for a seven day retreat, Suzanne will give life

309. power seekers like Aurora and Mikaela a full vortex experience.

310. So I'm going to give you a little bit of tobacco,

311. and then you're just going to find your spot

312. and align with whatever spot you feel drawn to,

313. so that you can receive the energy of that spot and the messages from it.

314. Okay, okay. This stuff is nuts.

315. We need someone with a serious college degree to straighten this out.

316. My name is Pete Sanders.

317. I'm an honors graduate of Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

318. author of the book You Are Psychic, and I give a weekly talk

319. on scientific vortex information here in Sedona.

320. To me, a vortex is an enhanced energy

321. location that helps people do mind, body,

322. or spiritual meditation or prayerful exercises.

323. And I feel what's

324. going on as energy flows in these deeper dimensions

325. that with training you can learn to soar on.

326. You know, college isn't really for everyone,

327. but that's a bullshit show we're saving for season three.

328. Back to the Vortex Tour.

329. Here I call on the spiritual energies of the land

330. and, of the spirits that live in the land.

331. And according to many native peoples, those spirits

332. live back in the rocks, the trees, the waters, the air, the wind.

333. And they speak to us in that way.

334. You know, I have to laugh

335. about the vortexes in Sedona because I grew up in Arizona.

336. Sedona began as a tourist place

337. where people from Phoenix and Tucson came to go fishing.

338. It wasn't until the late 70s and the early 80s that the New Agers came

339. in, and a kind of mythology was laid over the place that never existed.

340. I mean, growing up as a kid, what my dad used to say

341. is Sedona, that's where you go to get trout.

342. Hahaha.

343. Oh la taco, I say.

344. Wow, that was dramatic.

345. Was that an authentic Native American ceremony?

346. I am not Native American.

347. No shit.

348. And Scotch-Irish, English and Welsh and,

349. in no way is this a Native American traditional ceremony.

350. Oh, honey.

351. I was trained by Grandpa Roberts, who is a shaman of Cherokee descent,

352. and he told me that as long as I come from my heart, anything that I do is okay.

353. Yeah.

354. Grandpa Roberts, teller and I are direct descendants of the Cowie tribe.

355. So do you have any questions on that?

356. This is the vortex where we are now? Yes.

357. You're on the vortex now.

358. And this is airport Mesa. Vortex?

359. Suzanne. Airport Mesa is a mile away.

360. Maybe she's a for Kawi too.

361. We're not sure if Suzanne is on the wrong hill.

362. Or does it have a permit to go to the correct one?

363. But it does seem odd to perform this sacred for Kaua'I tradition

364. in a parking lot.

365. Take your tobacco and just sprinkle it on the mother.

366. Earth, or crush your tobacco on the mother asphalt.

367. Next stop on the tour some patch of dirt.

368. I am the coyote.

369. And I'm the roadrunner. Minute

370. I am the place of male phallic energy.

371. Whoa! Who knew she was such a good man?

372. This beats the fuck out of Marcel Marceau walking in the wind.

373. What mysterious power could give this woman the balls to mime a giant dick?

374. It all boils down to the claim that a vortex is a mysterious source

375. of powerful energy. But can it be proven.

376. If a person takes their measuring equipment

377. and measures a place that is not known to be a vortex, and then goes and measures

378. a place that is known to be a vortex, I am quite sure that you would see

379. a measurable difference in the energy that would be recorded.

380. Good thinking. Let's do it.

381. What we have here is a portable geo magnetometer,

382. and this device measures the Earth's magnetic field.

383. Other magnetic fields, and can also measure the presence

384. of an electromagnetic field.

385. I'm Tim Porter, and I'm a professor of physics at Northern Arizona University.

386. We asked Professor Porter to start by measuring the magnetic energy.

387. Had a non vortex area.

388. Well probably a non vortex area.

389. Who knows. It's it's Sedona.

390. And so we adjust to the angle of declination

391. and then the angle of inclination.

392. That's to show that he really knows what he's talking about.

393. We don't understand it either.

394. But this we get.

395. And so the magnetic field at this point is about 660mg.

396. Next, Professor Porter

397. took the same meter and measured the alleged airport Mesa vortex,

398. where Suzanne Aurora and McKayla Bast and all that great spiritual energy.

399. But this

400. spot at this location, at this time,

401. the magnetic field strength is 628 milli gauss.

402. That's 5% less than the reading of the non vortex site.

403. They probably absorbed all that extra milli gauss with their coyote dancing.

404. Maybe the vortex site, if anything has a smaller magnetic field.

405. That means that we're probably just measuring the magnetic field of the earth

406. and the slight variations of that magnetic

407. field owing to the materials underneath the ground.

408. We like Sedona.

409. It's a beautiful place for a vacation.

410. We like people jumping around like coyotes and mining giant dicks.

411. We love that 4 million tourists visit there every year

412. and they spend $50 million.

413. That's all just great.

414. We understand people having fun and making money.

415. We just don't understand why they need bullshit vortexes.

416. The vortexes essentially became a marketing tool.

417. Is there any science to support it?

418. Of course not.

419. I mean, the vortexes are essentially just dirt.

420. You know, this is our second season of bullshit.

421. We've been we've been really lucky.

422. So much so we think the studio is probably on a vortex.

423. I mean, I can feel the power.

424. Now, on top of that,

425. we're in Vegas, which is a great place for bike riding and massages.

426. So we're offering the Penn and Teller Vegas Vortex.

427. We got stretching coyote dancing, and big dick mime classes.

428. this newest stuff just keeps getting better.

429. Yeah.

430. Aloha. I'm Sasha lesson.

431. I'm dean of the school of Tantra,

432. and I'm a spokesperson for the World Polyamory movement.

433. I work with my wife, Janet, and we teach people

434. how to make love to each other better.

435. Welcome to Maui, the mid Pacific capital, the New Age movement.

436. And it's got surfing.

437. Sasha and Janet have come up with the most brilliant business going,

438. a way to have group sex with complete strangers

439. and charge them for it in the name of spirituality.

440. They call it tantra, but to our eyes it's just plain old sex.

441. For the male, it means having complete ejaculatory control.

442. For women, it means having ejaculatory orgasms

443. and having the kind of loving she wants when she wants it.

444. Basically, they claim

445. to teach men to last a long time so their women can have an orgasm.

446. We're cool with that.

447. Does it work better than thinking about baseball, love?

448. We are so careful to let our bullshitters on our bullshit show

449. be stupid without taking their bullshit out of context,

450. yet people still accuse us of editing tricks.

451. So here's the director's cut a little unedited Sasha,

452. without our bullshit smart ass voiceover.

453. Go ahead Sasha, explain tantric sex.

454. We teach them

455. how to be there for each other and to heal the hurts from the childhood

456. and to distinguish their mother from their dad and their lover.

457. So that you do.

458. Your mate is totally different from your parents.

459. You stop running trips and we show them how to be there

460. for people when they regress and reprogram your child.

461. Limited childhood programs to prevent them from having full eros life

462. force, being able to feel life at all its levels and appreciate

463. that and be able to have control of one's energy system.

464. So you decide how much you can open your heart in each situation,

465. how much you could express or keep quiet,

466. how much you, want to bring in your intellect or your intuition.

467. So you're at choice.

468. And you see, in the world around you, the things that you find difficult to

469. accept are really parts of you.

470. And you relax about it.

471. And the things that you overly admire in others are things

472. that are there to inspire you.

473. And that's what tortures for to get you past your skin encapsulated ego

474. so that you have your choice of what level you want to operate on.

475. And you love as many parts of yourself in there for the same time,

476. the world at the same time.

477. See, he doesn't believe it.

478. He can't explain it.

479. He just likes to fuck, but he doesn't know how to sell that.

480. Let's check out a class.

481. It has to be shorter than explanation.

482. If you want it.

483. You want to get her head on your chest so you can really feel her.

484. You want to hold her like it's like a child.

485. You know that something is going to come and see me in a relationship.

486. But soon Sasha's pulling out the visual aids like this, stuffed vagina.

487. You say? Sweetheart, I'd like to polish your pearl.

488. Would you like that?

489. And if she says yes, you maintain eye contact

490. and you breathe on her clitoris, make little baby kisses on it,

491. and start to really gently

492. tickle it with your tongue.

493. And put your mouth around it.

494. Sweetheart, I'd like to polish your pearl.

495. Would you like that?

496. Oh, yes, Mr.

497. Gillette, but don't you think you would like

498. to drink a glass of water while I sing a song first?

499. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah.

500. You have a glass of water.

501. Thank you, thank you. Here we go.

502. My body lies over the ocean.

503. My body lies over the sea.

504. Okay, I'm going to drown.

505. Oh, sweetheart.

506. I would like to distract you.

507. Would you like her?

508. she do like what I see.

509. Honey, don't you love having cable?

510. Hey. What's this? Only the woman get naked.

511. What kind of bullshit is that?

512. Janet may have some orgasms, but I save my seed.

513. And you don't have to have an erection.

514. A matter of fact, there's one things we teach men.

515. You can have a lot of fun with a limp lingam.

516. Honey, it's

517. no tantric trick to control your orgasm if you keep your dick in your pants.

518. This is just a mystic lap dance that he gets paid for. But

519. keeping

520. your right hand on the second chakra.

521. Touch your face with your left hand.

522. Hey, I'm kind of. Why?

523. Show the fucking show the fucking this.

524. This is an investigative show.

525. Bullshit. Exactly. Listen.

526. Tantra can affect the whole world.

527. A small percentage of change, 10% can cause a resonance.

528. Just like soldiers marching across the bridge that can change the morphic

529. genic field of society can change human mind to other possibilities.

530. Shut up and polish my pearl.

531. Let it go, Sarge. We all like the fuck.

532. Stop trying to make it seem like you need cosmic approval.

533. For the most basic of all actions.

534. Don't get all Deepak Chopra when you're really just wrong.

535. Jeremy. I would like to polish your pearl.

536. Would you like that? Oh,

537. yeah.

538. You're not watching the WB 150 bucks an hour.

539. Now, what do they want you to last forever?

540. Hookers take note.

541. Come out of the darkness and teach a fuck class.

542. Somehow it's legal to teach fucking.

543. It's important to embrace the part of you that likes to make money.

544. In the part that doesn't give a damn.

545. And to, recognize it.

546. Both part of you and I love making money, and there's a lot more to me than that.

547. But I'm glad to sell my services and share my time and advice,

548. which is my stock in trade with people that wish to buy it.

549. And just in case you forgotten how to fuck.

550. And we've written a book about it,

551. but we talk about how to choreograph love dances.

552. If you love more than one person, how, three people or four

553. people can form a consciousness unit where you synergize.

554. And, and you can fuck a bunch of people without thinking about baseball.

555. The New Age is just like a crystal ball.

556. It turns things upside down and makes them look smaller and a little weird.

557. And like New age we love over extending a metaphor new,

558. which is just a pricy lens for putting some distortion in your life.

559. If you're not content with beautiful scenery, playing cards

560. with friends and fuck off like crazy monkeys,

561. but we should all be content with that and save a few bucks.

562. We thought we'd let our tarot reader sum up our look at the new edge

563. by explaining exactly what tarot reading is.

564. Tarot reading

565. could be called a science and an art and a gift.

566. I would call it all three of.

567. Those tarot cards are scientific

568. very much.

569. And as for Marc.

570. Tarot card reading, I would not call a science.

571. He admits it.

572. I also do palmistry that I would call science.

573. Oh for fuck's sake.

574. That was, by the way, not the greatest reading of my whole life.

575. I mean, this was not very convincing.

576. Was anybody here really convinced? Had.

577. Any. You know.