Penn & Teller: Bull! 2x11

1. We're Penn and Teller, and tonight's bullshit is interactive.

2. We're told that 4/5 of American homes

3. have a Bible, so chances are you got one.

4. So? So go get it. Really? No kidding?

5. Go get your goddamn Bible.

6. If you don't read right along with us tonight,

7. you're going to think we're making this shit up.

8. So go get it.

9. I'll yap and told you a few cheesy magic tricks

10. to keep you amused while we're all waiting.

11. Go ahead.

12. We're told the Damn Bible is an important guide to live by.

13. And the same folks say it's the best selling book of all time.

14. And yet it never seems to crack the Amazon Top 100 list.

15. When you count everything

16. starting at Gutenberg, Johannes, not Steve, it's a bestseller.

17. Thank you Jesus.

18. Of course, all time bestseller number two is quotations from Chairman Mao.

19. Saint Paul.

20. And number ten is value of the dollar.

21. So you can decide how much stock you want to put in bestsellers.

22. Thank you. Jesus. No. Thank you time.

23. Tonight we're going to take you through the damn Bible

24. and show you that it's full of

25. inaccuracies, inconsistencies, and outright impossibilities,

26. that it's more fiction than fact and that a bullshit call got you.

27. Still a few seconds left on our award nominated title sequence.

28. Go find your Bible.

29. I find this

30. okay.

31. Okay, okay.

32. The boo boo boo boo. You.

33. You do. You.

34. You know, being.

35. On TV in a suit and yelling with this damn book in my hand feels very natural.

36. Look at the monitor till I look good like that, don't I?

37. I look just like one of those evangelical assholes.

38. The fact is, we are two evangelical assholes.

39. Bullshit.

40. Isn't evangelical show TV preachers are doing exactly what we are doing.

41. They are telling the truth as they see it.

42. They just don't have the crack research team.

43. We've got it. Bullshit.

44. If you're religious and you believe the Bible is real because of faith,

45. we can't touch you.

46. It's an automatic tie. No one can bust you.

47. Bible nuts pride themselves on believing in things that are hard to believe in.

48. They think God will bless them for that.

49. But if faith isn't enough, if you want history

50. or fact in your Bible book, you are so screwed.

51. It's fair to say the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history,

52. and pizza.

53. I don't believe in the Bible.

54. Yeah, I believe in the Bible.

55. I think scientifically, the biblical story

56. and God and everything doesn't really stand up.

57. I do believe that the Bible is, factual and that the events that happened,

58. I think everything in the Bible really happened to Adam and Eve happened.

59. And, Moses and, burning bush, and I believe all of that.

60. I believe in the Bible in a warm and fuzzy way.

61. But the devil is in the details.

62. It's mythic storytelling and nothing more.

63. Michael Shermer, publisher, skeptic magazine director, The Skeptic Society.

64. The more we learn about archeology and history of biblical times,

65. the more we realize that most of the stuff in the Bible is fiction.

66. The best way to interpret the Bible is use the Bible.

67. I'm Doctor Paul Meyer, professor of ancient history at Western

68. Michigan University.

69. There are many, many historical, reliable passages in the Bible

70. which should be credited and not simply, flushed away, as is often the case.

71. It's an article of faith.

72. It's part of a religious belief system that really doesn't fit the way we think.

73. When we think scientifically.

74. And we live in the age of science,

75. where we're supposed to ask for evidence and challenge beliefs.

76. Doctor Meyer is a well

77. known biblical scholar who's written books on ancient history.

78. He's got a PhD and calls himself doctor Michael.

79. Shermer has written books on religion and skepticism,

80. and he has a PhD so he could call himself doctor if he wanted to.

81. But he calls himself Michael Shermer.

82. But you people finally get your good books.

83. Great.

84. Put those books down and open your damn Bible to Genesis.

85. We'll start right at the beginning.

86. Genesis chapters one and two.

87. Once upon a time, God created heaven and earth in six days.

88. And then on the seventh Adam, Eve, the Garden of Eden.

89. Snakey. All in Genesis.

90. Go ahead.

91. You can read it to yourself while Michael and the doctor are talking.

92. They won't be offended.

93. They're on TV.

94. We can start right off with the first two books of the Bible in Genesis.

95. In the first chapter, God creates Adam and Eve at the same time.

96. In the second chapter, God creates Adam, and then Adam does a few things.

97. He names the animals, he does this and he does that, and he gets lonely.

98. And he talks to God and says, you know, I'm lonely.

99. God then says, all right, well, I'll provide you with a mate.

100. And then he takes the rib and creates Eve out of his rib and so on.

101. We all know these stories.

102. These are two different creation stories.

103. Well, I wouldn't call them contradictions as much as commentaries.

104. The one on the other.

105. again, let's point out we probably do have

106. two different authors here whose work was blended together.

107. Then an editorial, re revisioning somewhat.

108. yes, of course, to authors.

109. Sometimes the Bible is the word of God.

110. Sometimes it's the word of man, and sometimes it's the word of two or

111. more men.

112. Sometimes the Bible's literal, and sometimes it's simply symbolic.

113. The symbols don't always connote non reality.

114. Not by a long shot.

115. Now believers will say, oh, well, that's just two different versions

116. of the same event. Fine.

117. But then don't. In the next breath, tell me.

118. Oh, we have to take the Bible literally.

119. And when it says this, it means this.

120. Let's take a moment to consider the important, relevant lessons

121. Taylor and I have learned from the case of King.

122. Elvis Aaron Presley died in 1977.

123. He was born and lived at a time when most people in his land were literate.

124. We have many first hand reports about Elvis's life.

125. We have many reliable records medical, musical and otherwise.

126. Even so, there are people, lots of people,

127. who insist Elvis is not really dead.

128. Sound familiar?

129. Even the dozens of books written by people who actually knew Elvis

130. contain conflicting stories of his life.

131. Sound familiar?

132. There are people who insist Elvis didn't take drugs.

133. Sound familiar?

134. Yeah, that one doesn't to us either.

135. We have photographs of Elvis in the morgue.

136. Dad is a fucking doornail.

137. And in just 25 years, there are stories that he's not dead

138. and fit for a king.

139. An important work delving into the Elvis eating habits.

140. The author suggests

141. that in order to make Elvis his beloved fried chicken, you'll need three quarters

142. of a cup of flour, salt, paprika and pepper in.

143. Are you hungry tonight?

144. A definitive look into Elvis's favorite foods.

145. The King's beloved fried chicken recipe calls for one half cup of flour,

146. salt and pepper.

147. Glaring differences one quarter cup less flour, no paprika.

148. No fucking heretics.

149. Now imagine trying to figure which is the true Elvis chicken.

150. 2000 years from now, Elvis never did no drugs.

151. Now it's

152. time to turn to Genesis 611 through 13.

153. Noah's ark.

154. Read along.

155. There's no way you can. Get two of everything on a boat.

156. Animals and arks is kind of silly.

157. It's possible.

158. It's just a little far fetched.

159. God wanted him to do that. Told him to do it.

160. So it took him a long time to do it.

161. But he did it.

162. And yeah, with God's help.

163. There's no possible way that Noah could have retained

164. all 10 billion species,

165. on a single boat and then distributed them appropriately.

166. Where the marsupials are all in Australia and so forth.

167. This is just ridiculous. It is so ridiculous.

168. I find it embarrassing, for people who attempt to prove that it's true.

169. This is not a literal story.

170. This is a story about destruction, redemption, starting over, beginning anew.

171. Forgiveness, redemption, and so on.

172. To try to read it literally is to miss the point of the story.

173. But Doctor Meyer has his own explanation.

174. He believes that Genesis 1 to 10,

175. including Noah's story, is supposed to be a sort of compilation.

176. Let me give you a parallel.

177. some years ago, Saturday Evening

178. Post used to have fictional serial stories.

179. Six parts to them.

180. Now, what happened if you got to an issue

181. 2 or 3 issues into the story and you read it here?

182. This is interesting, but I sure would like to know what happened before.

183. What are the entities Saturday Evening Post?

184. Do they compress this material to give you a synopsis

185. in italics at the beginning of the account?

186. Genesis one through ten is that kind of italics.

187. So God wrote the Saturday Evening Post too.

188. Well, Meyer is partially correct.

189. The Noah thing is probably a mixture of stories

190. about a flood that really happened in the Euphrates

191. River, about 125 miles southeast of present day Baghdad.

192. Every spring, the Euphrates floods.

193. But according to archeologists, one June 1st around 2900 BC,

194. there was a six day storm and the river rose another 22ft.

195. The river overflowed the levees.

196. A lot of people got killed.

197. One of the survive was was a local Sumerian king named Zia Sugiura.

198. He Resourcefully commandeered a commercial barge

199. loaded with merchandise and rode the flood downstream

200. into the Persian Gulf, where he finally ran aground.

201. Thankful to be alive, the soldier offered a sacrifice in a hilltop temple.

202. That's it.

203. Big flood boat full of goods.

204. Happy landing on a hilltop.

205. And we have geologic and archeological evidence to support that.

206. No surprise that at least six

207. other cultures in the region had flood stories like Noah.

208. But see what happens when you abandon the faith world

209. and pretend to use science to probe your bullshit myths.

210. There's always a real scientist willing to check your facts.

211. Elvis didn't do no drugs.

212. Now we turn to Exodus 1422 to 31.

213. Moses and the Red sea.

214. Moses in the Red sea.

215. It's kind of hard to believe anything's possible.

216. I mean, I love the story and stuff, but

217. I know from as strong of a believer about it.

218. Thousands of Jews are supposedly enslaved by Gyptian pharaoh.

219. I don't want to sound like Mel

220. Gibson's dad here, but we can't find any evidence of that.

221. Not really.

222. None floods Wi-Fi but enslave Jews in Egypt.

223. Nowhere outside of the damn Bible.

224. So, Moses, we have no evidence of Moses outside of the damn Bible either.

225. None comes to Pharaoh and says, let my people go.

226. No notes from God.

227. Nothing. Pharaoh says no.

228. Now why would God just appear to Pharaoh and say it himself?

229. Because God works in mysterious, inefficient,

230. and breathtakingly cruel ways.

231. Pharaoh says no.

232. So God releases a set of ten plagues upon Egypt.

233. Number one, all waters in Egypt turned to blood.

234. And all of a fish die. Sea.

235. So the fish who go to Pasadena and Noah's flood get fucked in the blood water.

236. Maybe the fish were gloating.

237. And God hates quotas.

238. Number two frogs infest Egypt.

239. Yeah, I've been to Egypt.

240. This is not good for the frogs either.

241. Number three lice cover every man and beast.

242. Normal for that period.

243. So not that big a deal.

244. Number four, a cloud of insects attack the people it could get.

245. Yeah.

246. God, get the insects to fight your fucking battles for you.

247. Number five, a severe pestilence strikes the livestock.

248. Well, they're already covered in lice, frogs and bugs.

249. They want to die.

250. God is Kevorkian.

251. Finally show some mercy.

252. Number six.

253. All Egyptians are covered in boils again.

254. Who can tell the fucking difference at this point?

255. Number seven.

256. Thunder, hail and fire!

257. Hail and frogs.

258. That's just a fucking mess.

259. Number eight.

260. Locusts. Yeah, whatever. God, bring it on.

261. This is just food for any frogs not smushed by the hail.

262. Number nine. Darkness for three days.

263. At least you can't see the gross out.

264. Number ten.

265. Firstborn Egyptian child dies.

266. There's a kind.

267. Now free Moses leads the Jews to the Red sea.

268. And he parts the waters neatly as George W Bush parts his hair.

269. And they dance to the sea corner.

270. Literal story.

271. You people crack me up.

272. Elvis didn't do no drugs.

273. And I have a mealworm up my sleeve.

274. We are told that these people spent 40 years wandering around in the desert.

275. They escaped as slaves from Egypt and so forth.

276. There is not a shred of archeological or historical evidence outside of the Bible

277. that this is even true, that are that it ever even happened.

278. You would think that if a people spent 40 years

279. wandering around in the desert, they'd leave some archeological evidence.

280. There's absolutely none.

281. There's no

282. evidence that even somebody named Moses even existed.

283. Critics often say there no record

284. of their crossing the Red sea and that sort of thing.

285. Totally understandable. Why?

286. Because the Egyptians never recorded

287. any reverses or any defeats of any kind.

288. This would diminish the glory of the Pharaoh.

289. So can you imagine

290. the Pharaoh in charge saying, by the way, on my watch under my administration.

291. oh. Hundreds of thousands of Hebrew slaves were able to escape

292. when we wanted them to stay in Egypt.

293. They're not going to record this.

294. Okay.

295. Maybe the Egyptians were embarrassed or whatever, but.

296. But that is not an answer to the skeptics challenge.

297. That's just saying that it's true because there's no evidence for it.

298. Absence of

299. evidence is not evidence of absence.

300. simply because something isn't mentioned doesn't mean that didn't exist.

301. sorry.

302. And science, we we don't allow that form of reasoning.

303. These guys want to play in the realm of science.

304. They want to claim we have evidence for our beliefs.

305. Okay, what is it?

306. People often have trouble with biblical miracles, including the stupendous ones.

307. Like parting the waters of the Red sea, Allah, Cecil Beaton Mill, and so on.

308. Probably didn't happen that way at all.

309. probably they did not cross the 50,

310. 60, 70 mile wide Red sea.

311. They crossed the Sea of Reeds, the Reed sea.

312. Now you get a good north wind or good offshore breezes,

313. so it will dry up the land.

314. Once you buy the red reed thing.

315. Well, they walked across a low tide marsh on a windy day.

316. What's the miracle in that?

317. The smell didn't annoy them.

318. And why give us a pull dunk explanation for a miracle?

319. If it isn't a miracle, it isn't God.

320. If it isn't God, it's a bullshit story.

321. Walked across the dry marsh mire.

322. You're picking on your own feet.

323. You know,

324. I'm still pissed about God killing every firstborn child in Egypt.

325. I mean, couldn't he have just smacked the Pharaoh?

326. What kind of loving God does that kills innocent children?

327. Not the people who committed the crime, but their children.

328. You don't have to hear that verse in church

329. or see it in those children's illustrated Bible stories.

330. Do you?

331. Now let's turn to the New Testament.

332. Any of the Gospels will do.

333. I believe.

334. I believe in historical.

335. reference of the Bible.

336. I certainly believe that Jesus existed.

337. I believe that Jesus.

338. Was a person and he did walk the earth.

339. I believe there was Jesus.

340. Yes, but I don't do the Jesus.

341. The Jesus thing.

342. There's this guy who calls himself the Messiah, says he's the Son of God,

343. says he's going to change the world, says you can cure the sick, but he only cures

344. the ones he happens to bump into Jesus Christ.

345. An important question is, did Jesus actually

346. exist within the community of people who study this stuff?

347. There are some who are skeptics.

348. I would be willing to go so far as to say there would probably was

349. a man named Jesus.

350. When you find some of the same people and places

351. and episodes reported by non-biblical materials.

352. Well, then I think that pretty well confirms

353. that we're dealing with real events here.

354. It turns out this ancient Jewish historian named

355. Josephus wrote about Jesus and his followers later.

356. first century

357. Roman historian also wrote about him, including the fact that he was crucified.

358. So at least there are multiple sources for a story about a flesh and blood

359. guy named Jesus, but written, what, decades or centuries later.

360. And that proves what we know a guy named Jesus.

361. He plays world championship poker.

362. Jesus was not the only Messiah at the time.

363. There were lots of messiahs.

364. In fact, there was another fellow named Apollonius of Tyana,

365. who in the first century was claimed by his followers

366. that he healed the sick, he raised the dead.

367. He was able to walk through walls and buildings

368. that he was in fact persecuted for his religious beliefs.

369. He was brought to trial, by the local Roman courts.

370. He was crucified, and after he died, he, we are told, ascended to heaven.

371. And he came back where his followers saw him.

372. This is not the Jesus story.

373. This is Apollonius of Tyana.

374. Who the heck is that?

375. Apollonius. Christ.

376. I like that.

377. Hearing that so many other messiahs were walking around is weird, It was a.

378. It was a plague of messiahs.

379. Yeah.

380. Monty Python's Life of Brian was more historically accurate

381. than Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.

382. Some have said that Jesus miracles were simply sleight of hand magic.

383. But again, you have to remember that Jesus signs

384. were not just, changing water into wine.

385. You know, maybe by a fake canister there or something like that.

386. But we have blind people healed so they can see we have death.

387. People hearing we have cripples walking.

388. That's hard to arrange magically.

389. I don't think David Copperfield could pull that one off.

390. Don't be sucking.

391. Up to me. It's not even my show.

392. Look, most of the things attributed to Jesus are miracles

393. that could easily be performed by Penn and Teller on their stage show.

394. Exactly.

395. We just get a warm feeling about this Doctor Shermer.

396. He seems so sincere, smart and good looking too.

397. Okay, a few more pages into the Gospels.

398. I believe that Jesus was resurrected three days after the crucifixion

399. and died for our sins.

400. I honestly do not think that Jesus was resurrected.

401. Anything could happen.

402. Okay. If Jesus lived, he had to die.

403. Makes sense.

404. But what happened after he died is a whole other story.

405. Jesus.

406. This time it's personal.

407. Of course, it's

408. very difficult to believe that a dead body can come back to life.

409. And therefore, some have questioned the Easter

410. event itself, which is the core of the Christian proclamation.

411. The Christian proclamation is Jesus is the Messiah who rose from the dead.

412. Pretty impressive.

413. And Doctor Meyer thinks he's found the key for the resurrection of Christ.

414. I pay particular attention to the empty tomb.

415. We can definitely prove

416. the tomb was empty with all kinds of collateral secular evidence.

417. He's got us there finding a dead Jesus on the tomb would fuck up the story.

418. At very least, you need no dead Jesus.

419. I'm not trying to say that I have no proof in the resurrection.

420. Of course not. But reverse it.

421. You can't have a resurrection.

422. At least a decent one without the tomb being empty as its first symptom.

423. So the strongest evidence they presented

424. so far is no dead Jesus.

425. You have to believe the resurrection if you're a Christian or the game's up.

426. So, look, I understand the desire to prove that somehow it actually happened.

427. You don't have to prove it.

428. And there's no possible way you could prove that somebody was dead and

429. came back to life.

430. Who really wrote the damn Bible?

431. Most biblical theologians

432. who study this stuff seriously will tell you that.

433. In fact, we don't know exactly who wrote the Bible.

434. It's an authorship that was guided and inspired by God.

435. There's other gospels that we're just now beginning to hear about that

436. didn't make the Bible. They didn't make them.

437. What do you mean, they didn't make the Bible?

438. What are you talking about? This is the inspired Word of God.

439. The way the canon developed was by

440. what was being read on Sunday in the centers of Christianity.

441. What do you read on the second Sunday after Easter in the church in Jerusalem?

442. What's the Church of Rome reading at this time?

443. And they found that again and again

444. they were zeroing in on the same stories in the Gospels.

445. And so the core of the canon kind of developed

446. from the usage of the early church.

447. And the fact that we have books not in the Bible

448. that are still recognized as in many ways canonical.

449. They're they're sacred books, just not in the Bible.

450. You have to ask, why aren't they in the Bible?

451. And the answer is

452. because the committee that decided it didn't put them in committee.

453. Committee what? They voted. Yeah.

454. That's how it happened.

455. Obviously, it's an edited volume.

456. Examining the Bible is important because the book and its mindset

457. are so ingrained in our culture.

458. It's all about that little list called the Ten Commandments,

459. which was recently headline news again.

460. I have no.

461. Intention of removing the monument of the Ten Commandments.

462. In 2003, the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court

463. refused to remove a two and a half ton monument to the Ten Commandments

464. that he had placed in his courthouse when he was suspended.

465. He had plenty of rabid, faithful,

466. uneducated supporters inside and outside of Alabama.

467. Put it back.

468. Put the Ten Commandments back.

469. Polls showed that four out of five Americans

470. wanted the commandments to stay right where they were.

471. And candle in the Wind by Sir Elton John is the best selling song of all time.

472. Popular sure doesn't mean right.

473. I bet more people can sing some Elton John than know all ten Commandments,

474. Thou shalt not covet another man's wife.

475. Steal, kill,

476. Worship a false idol.

477. Ooh! Sabbath day, Holy day.

478. Keep it.

479. Something.

480. Don't cheat on your wife.

481. Don't.

482. cheat with your neighbor's wife.

483. And how about you?

484. How many you got, Don't look at the damn book you got killing and stealing.

485. How about adultery and raise your hands?

486. How many of you got?

487. The one about graven images.

488. You ain't taking my ten Commandments.

489. You ain't taking my Bible and you ain't touching my faith.

490. It's part of the Constitution in this country.

491. We is taking you commandments out of our courthouse.

492. We isn't taking you Bible or you faith.

493. The Constitution guarantees us freedom from you Bible and you faith,

494. while promising you can keep you Bible and you faith.

495. Elvis didn't do no drugs.

496. we do know that God laid down ten rules,

497. and they're pretty effective because, you know, show me one.

498. Law and the law books of any country in the world.

499. That isn't a corollary of one of those ten.

500. There's a certain genius behind those.

501. Those ten rules.

502. But what's amazing about the Old New Testament are the number of moral precepts

503. that stand the test of time, that are not culturally limited,

504. not chronologically limited, but they're applicable for all times.

505. Here's a big problem using the Bible

506. as a guide for moral, behavior and moral thought.

507. Which parts are you going to use?

508. In which parts aren't you going to use?

509. Look in the in the in the one

510. passage that conservatives always cite in the Bible about

511. a man should not lay with another man and therefore homosexuality is a sin.

512. Yeah, well, go to the next chapter

513. where it says that we should stoned to death disobedient children.

514. So look, what we do is we pick and choose, the passage we want.

515. And that's not consistent. And it's not fair.

516. You want to pick and choose?

517. We can go further.

518. Let's play along with Doctor Meyer and use the Bible to impeach the Bible.

519. Check these out. No. Out of context. Bullshit.

520. This is what it says.

521. Exodus 21 verse seven says it's okay to sell your daughter into slavery.

522. Not even in Nevada.

523. Exodus 35 verse two clearly states

524. that any one working on the Sabbath should be put to death.

525. You really gotta feel good about enforcing that one.

526. Oh, oh, look at this.

527. Corinthians 1114.

528. Doth not even nature itself teach you that?

529. If a man have long hair, it is a shame onto him.

530. Okay, well, it's it's right about that one.

531. And continuing on verse 19 to 24 commands

532. that a man should not go near a woman when she's on her period.

533. You try asking the judge

534. if she's on the rag before approaching the bench in traffic court.

535. If you believe it's your God and your God is infallible,

536. it can't throw out some of the rules just because you don't like them.

537. The Bible has written

538. all over it the fact that it was a human edited, socially constructed

539. collection of books put together by people over many, many centuries.

540. I'm not trying to save it now.

541. I have proven that the Bible is authoritative, is accurate historically,

542. of course, that you still have to have faith.

543. Smart people are very good at rationalizing things.

544. They came to believe for non-smart reasons.

545. But my needing God is not a proof that God exists.

546. I'll be the first to say that, but when I look around at nature

547. and I ask, how did it ever get here?

548. my mind, I think, would go up in smoke

549. if I couldn't see that there was some logic behind all this,

550. and there has to be logic behind it in terms of the incredible

551. complexity of creation.

552. They're making the mistake of linking their belief and faith

553. and their religion to actual factual tenets.

554. These are not factual stories to be taken as historical events.

555. They're really stories about how we should live our lives, their moral homilies.

556. What can I personally get out of the Bible for me today?

557. That's what those stories are about.

558. And to try to take them literally is you're missing the point of the Bible.

559. Take some time and put the Bible on your summer reading list.

560. Try to stick with it. Cover to cover.

561. Not because it teaches history.

562. We've shown you doesn't read it because you'll see for yourself

563. what the Bible is all about.

564. It sure isn't great literature.

565. If it were published as fiction, no reviewer would give it a passing grade.

566. There are some vivid scenes

567. and some quotable phrases, but there's no plot, no structure.

568. There's a tremendous amount of filler, and the characters are

569. painfully one dimensional.

570. Whatever you

571. do, don't read the Bible for a moral code.

572. It advocates prejudice, cruelty,

573. superstition, and murder.

574. Read it because we need more atheists,

575. and nothing will get you there faster than reading the damn Bible.

576. Elvis never did no drugs.

577. The characters and events depicted in the damn Bible are fictitious.

578. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

579. I can get. No.