Penn & Teller: Bull! 1x7

1. TONIGHT'S BULLSHIT IS FENG SHUI,

2. —OR CHI—

3. YOUR FURNITURE.

4. U-UH, THE IDEA SEEMS TO BE

5. ON A CERTAIN AXIS,

6. YOU BECOME HEALTHIER...

7. YOUR RECLINER,

8. YOUR CAREER TAKES OFF.

9. YOU KNOW,

10. CLAIMING IN THE BIG PICTURE,

11. OF CAUSE AND EFFECT,

12. BUT FENG SHUI...

13. WE DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

14. MY NAME IS PENN.

15. THIS IS MY PARTNER TELLER.

16. AND THIS...

17. IS BULLSHIT.

18. Penn Jillette: TAKE A LOOK AT THIS LUXURIOUS SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HOUSE.

19. IS PERFECTLY HAPPY THERE.

20. IS BEAUTIFULLY APPOINTED,

21. ATTRACTIVELY FURNISHED,

22. OF FENG SHUI MAKE IT BETTER?

23. WE HIRED 3 PROFESSIONAL

24. OF THE HOME.

25. DAVID CHO, FENG SHUI GUY.

26. IN FENG SHUI, WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR

27. OR CHIs—

28. A COSMIC GAME OF MUSICAL CHAIRS.

29. NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M MILAN.

30. LIKE THIS YELLOW BALL.

31. IT'S—IT'S JUST MOVING...

32. BOUNCING... TRAVELING...

33. IT'S NOT JUST BOUNCING AND TRAVELING.

34. YOU'RE THROWING IT.

35. KARTAR DIAMOND, FENG SHUI CONSULTANT.

36. CHI IS LIFE-FORCE ENERGY.

37. IT'S WHAT THE MOLECULES ARE MADE OUT OF.

38. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT IN SUPER SCIENTIFIC TERMS,

39. BUT IT'S—IT'S ENERGY.

40. WE DON'T REQUIRE SUPER SCIENTIFIC,

41. DO BETTER THAN "ENERGY"

42. IS ANY SORT OF SCIENCE,

43. NEVER MIND A SUPER SCIENCE.

44. OR MEASURE THE "CHI" THEY'RE CLAIMING TO DIRECT,

45. YOU'D WIN A NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS.

46. BUT

47. STRANGERS' FURNITURE

48. AT RANDOM FOR MONEY?

49. HI! HI, I'M DAVID.

50. THE ONLY ONES BEING CONSULTED.

51. THEY NEVER CROSSED PATHS.

52. WE'RE NOT STUPID.

53. IS REALLY A TRUE SCIENCE,

54. WITH THE SAME ADVICE,

55. BUT WILL THEY? LET'S SEE WHAT THEY SAY

56. REMODELED MASTER BEDROOM.

57. WE'LL DRAW THIS ANALOGY.

58. THE UPSTAIRS IS IOWA. OK.

59. AND WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT,

60. A LITTLE BIT TO IOWA,

61. IT'S ALMOST LIKE TRANSPLANTING CALIFORNIA INTO IOWA.

62. OH. OK.

63. IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANALOGIES,

64. JUST DON'T USE 'EM.

65. IT'S LIKE A PIG ON A TIGHTROPE.

66. NOW, THE FIRST FEW MONTHS AS A CALIFORNIAN,

67. YOU'RE GONNA WATCH WHAT YOU EAT,

68. YOU'RE GOING TO EXERCISE.

69. BUT, AFTER A WHILE,

70. YOU'RE GONNA START HITTING THAT BACON...

71. WELL, WE LIKE BACON.

72. IS REALLY KIND OF LIKE,

73. THAT'S BEEN GLOMMED ONTO IOWA,

74. OF THE STATE OF IOWA.

75. IS MR. CALIFORNIA SAYING THAT IOWA IS BAD?

76. 2 DIFFERENT AREAS OF THE HOUSE.

77. KARTAR, USING SECRET SCIENCE,

78. OF THE BED WAS ALL WRONG.

79. Kartar Diamond: YOU'RE WHAT WE CALL "WEST-TYPE" PEOPLE,

80. AND YOU'RE SLEEPING HEADS EAST,

81. WOULD DO BETTER SLEEPING HEAD WEST.

82. HOW SHE FIGURED THAT OUT,

83. SHE'S CLEAR ABOUT IT.

84. TO BE ON THE WEST WALL.

85. THE SOUTH WALL.

86. THE SOUTH WALL?

87. IS IOWA SCIENCE.

88. IF YOU'RE AN INTERIOR DECORATOR,

89. IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SCIENCE.

90. THEY ALL USE THAT WORD.

91. LET'S ASK.

92. YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS. THE SCIENCE

93. ALL THIS, RIGHT? EXACTLY.

94. IT'S A VERY RELIABLE

95. THE ENERGY REALLY IS.

96. SO IT IS A SCIENCE, RIGHT?

97. YES, IT IS.

98. YEAH, RIGHT.

99. ON TO THE FAMILY ROOM,

100. TO HAVE FOR SALE.

101. A LOVELY TURTLE.

102. AND, AS YOU CAN SEE,

103. THERE'S A BABY TURTLE ON ITS BACK.

104. PROVIDES SUPPORT,

105. OF YOUR HOUSE...

106. UH-HUH,

107. AND NURTURE THEIR YOUNG.

108. THEIR YOUNG ON THEIR BACK.

109. WITH MAMA TURTLE,

110. COMING SHELL TO SHELL.

111. THERE'S A TRANSFER

112. OF THE LITTLE BABY TURTLE.

113. YOU'LL OFTEN SEE A GAGGLE.

114. WELL, THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY CALLED A GAGGLE,

115. THERE'S SEVERAL—

116. ON TO THE FAMILY ROOM,

117. THAT WASN'T NAILED DOWN.

118. David Cho: WE MOVED

119. FOR WEALTH AND SUCCESS.

120. SO THAT'S WHY YOU MOVED THE COUCH IN THIS WAY? YES.

121. A LITTLE BIT OF THE WALKWAY.

122. WOULD BE A PROBLEM,

123. 'CAUSE I USED TO WALK STRAIGHT THROUGH HERE,

124. AND NOW THERE'S A VERY TIGHT WALKWAY THERE.

125. AND, ALSO,

126. THE TELEVISION FROM THERE?

127. NO. IS IT TOO CLOSE—OH,

128. SO YOU COULDN'T REALLY WATCH THE TV FROM THERE?

129. NO TV? BASTARD!

130. THAT'S OUR BREAD AND BUTTER.

131. THAT WALKWAY?

132. IF YOU DIE IN A FIRE?

133. KEEP PATHWAYS CLEAR!

134. EVEN WORSE THAN A FIRE,

135. YOUR TOE?

136. GOD, I HATE STUBBING MY TOE!

137. I'D CONSIDER GIVING UP

138. THAT I WOULD NEVER, EVER AGAIN STUB MY FUCKIN' TOE!

139. ANYWAY,

140. OUT OF THERE,

141. TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION.

142. IT WAS MILAN'S TURN.

143. THAT DAVID MADE?

144. HELL, NO!

145. SHE MOVED NOTHING.

146. NEITHER DID KARTAR.

147. OUT OF THE COLOR.

148. IN THE FAMILY ROOM,

149. THE BIG RED COUCHES,

150. FOR THIS PART OF THE HOUSE,

151. IS THE FIRE ELEMENT,

152. TO BE EXTREME.

153. WITH ALL THAT RED COLOR,

154. UM, IT COULD CAUSE PROBLEMS

155. WITH THE TEETH, THE MOUTH,

156. THE JAW, THE CHEST AREA.

157. WOW! THAT'S SOME SERIOUS STUFF.

158. RED IS BAD.

159. YOU KNOW, ANDREA,

160. FOR THE, UH, LIVING—

161. UM, FAMILY AREA IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

162. IS A PERFECT COLOR FOR THIS ROOM.

163. BURGUNDIES, REDS, PURPLES...

164. AN EDWARDIAN BORDELLO.

165. MORE ACCIDENT-PRONE.

166. THAT PARTICULAR ROOM.

167. YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE BETTER,

168. REQUIRES RED RIGHT HERE.

169. I'M HOPIN' THAT SOFA ISN'T AS RED

170. ONCE THEY SEE THIS SHOW.

171. NOW, IF FENG SHUI IS A REAL SCIENCE,

172. SO INCONSISTENT?

173. MR. ANALOGY—CAN EXPLAIN.

174. A COSMIC VOLLEYBALL GAME...

175. UH...

176. IS—IS STRUCTURED.

177. NEVER FUCKIN' MIND.

178. ASSURED US IT WASN'T RELIGION, ART, OR TASTE,

179. BUT A SCIENCE.

180. OH, SURE.

181. I HAVE $23.

182. APPARENTLY, IT'S NOT A SCIENCE

183. KNOW SCIENCE,

184. YOU KNOW,

185. OF SCIENCE-Y THING.

186. OF SCIENCE YOU TAKE ON FAITH,

187. LIKE RELIGION.

188. THAT YOU CAN ASSURE GOOD HEALTH,

189. WEALTH, AND PROSPERITY

190. AND YOUR FAMILY.

191. OH.

192. UH, $23.

193. PROSPERITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY.

194. OF COURSE, MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN FENG SHUI'D CHINA

195. AND HAVE ONLY RECENTLY,

196. WITH OUR HELP,

197. TO FEED THEIR OWN PEOPLE.

198. OH, I, UH— I GOT A, UH—

199. I GOT A GOOD FEELIN' ABOUT THIS ONE.

200. YEAH, IT'S $23 NOW.

201. AND NOT JUST IN THE FURNITURE-MOVING BUSINESS.

202. OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM.

203. FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA.

204. AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS PLACE.

205. I'M PHYLLIS SULLO,

206. AND I'M THE OWNER OF SULLO SALON AND SPA,

207. IN FENG SHUI BEAUTY TREATMENTS.

208. TO PHYLLIS,

209. WILL BRING GOOD FORTUNE.

210. THEY'RE CHARGING 150 BUCKS FOR THAT EXPERIENCE.

211. LIKE WE'RE GIVING AWAY

212. WE ALREADY HAD.

213. EITHER WAY, IT'S CLEAR

214. SOME GOOD FORTUNE.

215. HAIRCUT WORKS,

216. OR SUBJECTS.

217. I'M RAY SMITH...

218. AND I'M RON SMITH...

219. IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA.

220. WHEN YOU LOOK ALIKE,

221. TALK TOGETHER.

222. WE DON'T THINK EITHER ONE OF THESE GUYS NEEDS A HAIRCUT,

223. AT THE SULLO SALON.

224. HE SAT DOWN WITH DAVID, THEIR TOP STYLIST.

225. ISN'T ONE OF THE FURNITURE GUYS NAMED DAVID?

226. I'LL BET THE LETTERS IN "DAVID"

227. FOR "NAME" CHI.

228. I'M GETTIN' INTO THIS.

229. OK, TO GET A FENG SHUI HAIRCUT,

230. WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

231. TO READ RIGHT HERE.

232. RAY HAD TO

233. FUCKIN' QUESTIONS

234. AND LIFESTYLE.

235. "SUBMISSIVE..." "RESILIENT..."

236. UH, I'LL MARK "SUBMISSIVE."

237. IS PREDOMINANT,

238. YOUR MASCULINE SIDE.

239. WHICH IS VERY GOOD.

240. OK. SEXY.

241. ASK HIM PERSONAL FUCKIN' QUESTIONS

242. BEFORE A HAIRCUT?

243. MEANWHILE, WE WENT TO JOE'S BARBER SHOP,

244. WHICH IS RIGHT ACROSS TOWN,

245. BUT A WORLD APART.

246. RAY'S BROTHER RON DOWN

247. FOR A $16 HAIRCUT WITH OWNER JOE,

248. WITHOUT A QUESTIONNAIRE.

249. MAKE IT NICE AND CLEAN-CUT,

250. LIKE A BUSINESS LOOK.

251. WAS THE FIRST TO FINISH.

252. OK. I'M DONE.

253. NOT BAD,

254. AND THAT'S WITHOUT TAPPING INTO RON'S FEMININE SIDE.

255. CALL RON "SEXY."

256. WHEN I DO MEN'S HAIRCUTTING,

257. WITH MY BARE HANDS.

258. WHOO! ONE CHI-FILLED HOUR LATER,

259. RAY'S FENG SHUI HAIRCUT.

260. AMAZING.

261. WHAT A DIFFERENCE.

262. WHICH HAIRCUT WAS WHICH.

263. OF COURSE, THIS ISN'T A SCIENTIFIC POLL,

264. WHEN WE'RE FUCKIN' AROUND.

265. RAY'S FENG SHUI HAIRSTYLE IS ALWAYS ON YOUR LEFT.

266. RON'S BARBERSHOP CUT IS ALWAYS ON YOUR RIGHT.

267. OR IS IT THE LEFT? I...

268. GODDAMN IT, I CAN'T TELL.

269. TURN TO THE LEFT.

270. UH, WELL, THAT'S A LOT LONGER,

271. HE'LL GET MORE ENERGY

272. WITH IT BEING SHORTER.

273. IT'S THIS ONE.

274. TO THE RIGHT.

275. RIGHT HERE.

276. $16 HAIRCUT.

277. IS THE BARBERSHOP.

278. THE RESULTS?

279. 14 PEOPLE WERE CORRECT,

280. 14 PEOPLE WERE INCORRECT.

281. WELL, HE JUST COULDN'T DECIDE.

282. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE.

283. THEY'RE TWINS, MAN.

284. IT'S BULLSHIT!

285. AND GO SEE JOE.

286. AND WE'LL TELL YOU YOU'RE SEXY FOR FREE.

287. THAT MY HAIRCUT LOOKS BETTER.

288. MEANWHILE, BACK AT ANDREA'S HOUSE...

289. THINK ABOUT THIS ROOM?

290. WE SHOULD CHANGE?

291. IT'S ACTUALLY A PERFECT ARRANGEMENT.

292. THERE'S NOTHING

293. AS BEING A PROBLEM. OK.

294. "OVERTLY VISUAL"?

295. DOES THAT MEAN?

296. I HOPE THERE'S NOTHING SUBTLY INVISIBLE.

297. ANYWAY, KARTAR SAYS THE FURNITURE IS PERFECT AS IS.

298. WOULD MILAN AGREE?

299. SO WHY DON'T WE MOVE AROUND YOUR SECTIONAL SOFA...

300. NOPE.

301. MILAN WAS FINISHED,

302. PERFECT FENG SHUI ENERGY.

303. THAT IS, UNTIL DAVID TOOK A LOOK AT IT.

304. IS WHAT WE NEED TO DO WITH YOUR LIVING ROOM...

305. TO A THIRD VERSION.

306. SETTLED IN THE LIVING ROOM.

307. THAT, OF COURSE,

308. OF EMPIRICAL OBSERVATIONS.

309. SHOW YOUR WORK?

310. NAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

311. I DON'T WANNA SAY

312. SOME OF THIS UP,

313. HIS MICROPHONE WAS ON?

314. WHOA!

315. THAT OBSERVATION WITH ANDREA?

316. WOW, YOU REALLY CHANGED A LOT IN HERE.

317. YOU MOVED EVERYTHING.

318. DAVID... WELL, BASICALLY,

319. WAS RESPECT THE...

320. YEAH, "RESPECT" IS THIS ASSHOLE'S MIDDLE NAME.

321. SO HERE'S DAVID'S SHIT-FUCK LIVING ROOM ARRANGEMENT,

322. HERE'S MILAN'S CREATION,

323. AND HERE'S HOW KARTAR LEFT IT.

324. WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SCIENCE.

325. BEFORE SCIENTIST MILAN LEFT,

326. SHE HAD

327. TO HAVE FOR SALE.

328. HAVING STUDIED, UM,

329. USING ALL 360 DEGREES,

330. FOR YOU FOR EXTREME WEALTH,

331. AND IT BE A WATER FOUNTAIN.

332. MILAN CONVENIENTLY BROUGHT WITH HER.

333. Penn, laughing: THAT'S REALLY THE NOISE IT MAKES! NO KIDDING!

334. HELL, A LAWN MOWER

335. THE SAME FUCKIN' NOISE!

336. FUCKIN' SCUMBAG!

337. SO YOU CAN HAVE

338. AND INCREASED WEALTH.

339. SO THAT'S WHAT THE FOUNTAIN WILL ACCOMPLISH,

340. THE WEALTH? YES.

341. TO BRING WEALTH.

342. WOULD BE THE COST OF THE FOUNTAIN?

343. WELL, UM,

344. WE'VE PICKED OUR TOP-OF-THE-LINE FOUNTAIN FOR YOU,

345. IS THE MOST ELEGANT,

346. AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE GOOD TASTE.

347. OH, THANK YOU.

348. IS $995. OK.

349. 1,000 BUCKS FOR THAT NOISY PIECE OF SHIT?

350. AND THAT'S ON TOP OF HER $3,000 CONSULTING FEE.

351. CHARGE FOR THEIR HOUSE CALLS?

352. I CHARGE 1,500 A DAY.

353. I'M GENERALLY CHARGING BY THE SQUARE FOOT,

354. ANYTHING FROM 10 CENTS TO $2 PER SQUARE FOOT.

355. AT THAT RATE,

356. WITH ANDREA'S FURNITURE CAN COME TO OVER $7,000.

357. BUT, AFTER ALL, THAT'S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY

358. AND TRANQUILITY IT BRINGS.

359. OF COURSE, IT'S A HUGE PRICE TO PAY

360. IF IT'S ALL FUCKIN' BULLSHIT.

361. OOH, I'M SORRY. UH...

362. YEAH. $23 STILL.

363. YOU KNOW, TELLER, I CAN'T STOP THINKIN'

364. YOUR HEALTH.

365. AAH!

366. IT'S SO...

367. IT'S SO...

368. IT'S SO...

369. STUPID.

370. ALL RIGHT, SO WE'RE GONNA START TASTING UP HERE.

371. WE'RE JUST ABOUT READY TO GO.

372. THESE EPICUREAN EXPERTS TASTING SO EARNESTLY?

373. VINTAGE WHITE WINES? FINE RUSSIAN VODKAS?

374. NOPE. THEY'RE PUTTING

375. THE FINER POINTS OF BOTTLED WATER.

376. SEEM CRAZY?

377. LAST YEAR,

378. OVER $4 BILLION ON BOTTLED WATER.

379. AT PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR?

380. IT'S DEFINITELY GOT LESS POLLUTANTS.

381. I'M LOOKING

382. IN MY WATER,

383. I CAN FIND THAT IN BOTTLED WATER.

384. I THINK IT'S CLEANER THAN OUR REGULAR TAP WATER.

385. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT AS IMPURE

386. OF THE TAP WATER CAN BE.

387. 'CAUSE SOME OF THE TAP WATER I REALLY DON'T TRUST.

388. IS SAFER THAN TAP WATER, AND THAT'S EXACTLY

389. COMPANIES WANT US TO BELIEVE.

390. IT MAY ALL BE BULLSHIT,

391. THESE BOTTLES.

392. LET ME JUST GET A FOOTING. OK, HERE WE GO.

393. NOW WE GO.

394. YEAH!

395. BY THE U.S. FOOD

396. FOOD PRODUCT.

397. STEPHEN KAY. SPOKESMAN,

398. BOTTLED WATER ASSOCIATION.

399. THE F.D.A.

400. FOR SAFETY, QUALITY,

401. THAT CONSUMERS ENJOY.

402. THAT IT'S A LOT SAFER AND IT'S A LOT CLEANER THAN TAP WATER.

403. I'M ERIK OLSON.

404. I'M A DRINKING WATER EXPERT

405. DEFENSE COUNCIL.

406. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING INTO THE GROCERY STORE,

407. OFF THE SHELF,

408. OR 2 BUCKS

409. DOESN'T MEAN

410. THAN WHAT YOU'RE

411. OUT OF YOUR TAP.

412. THE N.R.D.C. CONDUCTED A COMPREHENSIVE 4-YEAR SCIENTIFIC STUDY

413. OF 1,000 BRANDS OF BOTTLED WATER.

414. INCREDIBLY, THE RESULTS SHOWED THAT 1/3 OF THE BOTTLED WATERS

415. STANDARDS FOR WATER QUALITY.

416. IT'S CLEAR THAT JUST

417. DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HAVE BACTERIA IN IT.

418. A LOT OF IT DID WHEN WE TESTED IT.

419. AND IT DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HAVE ARSENIC IN IT.

420. DID HAVE ARSENIC IN IT.

421. BACTERIA? ARSENIC?

422. WE'RE BETTING IT'S HARMLESS TRACE AMOUNTS,

423. BUT 1,000 TIMES THE PRICE OF TAP WATER FOR THAT SHIT?

424. SHOULDN'T THE STANDARDS BE HIGHER?

425. BY LAW, BOTTLED WATER

426. PROTECTION AGENCY STANDARDS FOR PUBLIC WATER.

427. BUT THE E.P.A. DOESN'T ENFORCE BOTTLED WATER REGULATIONS,

428. THE F.D.A. DOES,

429. AND THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.

430. TO REGULATE TAP WATER.

431. F.D.A. HAS LESS THAN ONE PERSON.

432. IS NO COP ON THE BEAT FOR BOTTLED WATER.

433. IS NO ONE KEEPING AN EYE ON THE INDUSTRY.

434. DID YOU HEAR THAT?

435. LESS THAN ONE PERSON.

436. I GUESS THAT MEANS HE'S

437. THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO SELL US NEXT.

438. IN THE SYSTEM.

439. Erik Olson: F.D.A. SAYS THEY DON'T REGULATE ANY BOTTLED WATER

440. THAT'S BOTTLED AND SOLD WITHIN THE SAME STATE.

441. SO, MANY STATES

442. NO BOTTLED WATER REGULATORY PROGRAM AT ALL.

443. OK, PURITY AND SAFETY AREN'T GOOD REASONS TO DRINK BOTTLED WATER,

444. SOME REASON.

445. ALWAYS THE BEST-TASTING.

446. I DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OF CHLORINATED WATER.

447. TASTES BETTER AT LEAST,

448. AND IT LOOKS BETTER, SO I DRINK IT.

449. OF COURSE! THE TASTE.

450. THAN TAP WATER, RIGHT?

451. TO CONDUCT ONE OF OUR FAMOUS, UNSCIENTIFIC BULLSHIT TESTS.

452. AS WE FILLED BOTTLE "A"

453. WHILE BOTTLE "B" CONTAINED A RELATIVELY EXPENSIVE STORE-BOUGHT BOTTLED WATER.

454. OK, CHEERS. 1... 2... 3...

455. TRIED THE BOTTLED WATER.

456. IT'S A LITTLE BITTER.

457. A LITTLE BITTER. YES.

458. TOO SWEET.

459. TOO SWEET.

460. IT'S A LITTLE AMARGA? YES.

461. IT'S BITTER. BITTER.

462. THE WATER FROM THE FAUCET.

463. THIS ONE BETTER. YEAH.

464. IT'S BETTER. THIS ONE'S BETTER?

465. YEAH. THIS ONE IS THE "A." YEAH. THIS ONE IS THE "A."

466. "A." YEAH, "A"

467. IT'S BETTER.

468. "A" IS NEW YORK TAP WATER.

469. NO WAY!

470. WAY!

471. 75% OF THE PEOPLE

472. PICKED NEW YORK'S TAP WATER OVER BOTTLED WATER.

473. WE'VE NOW RULED OUT SAFETY, PURITY, AND TASTE.

474. PAY SUCH A PREMIUM FOR BOTTLED WATER?

475. IS IT ALL IN THEIR MINDS?

476. TO FIND OUT, WE TOOK OVER A VERY TRENDY CALIFORNIA RESTAURANT.

477. ON THE BALCONY TO WATCH.

478. INSTEAD OF A WINE STEWARD,

479. WE CREATED THE WORLD'S FIRST WATER STEWARD.

480. AS $7 PER BOTTLE.

481. OF THESE CHIC WATERS?

482. ON THE RESTAURANT PATIO.

483. OHH! I LOVE THIS FUCKIN' SHOW.

484. GOOD EVENING, FOLKS. HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD EVENING, FOLKS. HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

485. WELCOME. MY NAME IS TIM,

486. TONIGHT. COOL!

487. OUR SPECIAL WATER LIST.

488. IT'S LIKE A WINE LIST.

489. WHAT DO YOU WANNA TRY? YOU WANNA TRY THIS?

490. IT SOUNDS FRENCH?

491. Male diner: YEAH.

492. I GUESS WE'LL GET THE L'EAU DU ROBINET.

493. THE L'EAU DU ROBINET? YEAH.

494. OH, FANTASTIC.

495. IT'S FRENCH FOR "TAP WATER."

496. AND, UH, FOR YOU, SIR,

497. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ONE, MAYBE COMPARE NOTES?

498. YEAH, DO THE OTHER ONE.

499. SURE, I'LL DO THE MOUNT FUJI.

500. Water steward: THE MOUNT FUJI?

501. AH...

502. 2 EXCELLENT CHOICES.

503. CHEERS. OK...

504. YEAH. IT TASTES CLEAN.

505. IT HAS A FLAVOR TO IT.

506. TO TAP WATER?

507. OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY BETTER THAN TAP WATER.

508. IT DOESN'T HAVE AN AFTERTASTE TO IT.

509. IT'S GOT—IT'S GOT

510. FEELS LIKE A...

511. THAN WATER,

512. OR ANY ADDITIVES.

513. L'EAU DU ROBINET PASSED THE TASTE TEST.

514. NOW, HOW ABOUT MOUNT FUJI,

515. WHICH, OF COURSE, CAME FROM THE SAME FUNKY HOSE?

516. IT'S RIGHT FROM THE TOP OF MOUNT FUJI.

517. IT'S A VERY PURE WATER.

518. IT'S A NATURAL DIURETIC AND AN ANTITOXIN.

519. IT DOES FEEL GLACIERAL, LIKE IT—IT DOES.

520. GLACIER-ORIENTED.

521. THIS IS GOOD. YEAH.

522. I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY

523. OF OUR AGUA DE COULO.

524. OK.

525. IT'S 6.50 PER BOTTLE.

526. MMM!

527. IT'S GOT A VERY FRESH TASTE TO IT.

528. IT'S CRISPER—

529. OF A KICK.

530. WASN'T REPRESENTATIVE.

531. LET'S SEE HOW SOME OTHER PEOPLE RATED OUR PREMIUM HOSE WATER.

532. IT'S REALLY GOOD.

533. THAN TAP WATER.

534. L.A. COUNTY WATER.

535. WE'RE PRETTY SURE THE HOSE

536. THAT WAS SO WIDELY PRAISED.

537. WITH NAMES CONVEYING PURE AND PRISTINE WATER SOURCES.

538. OF ALASKAN FALLS WATER?

539. OF OUR 49th STATE, RIGHT?

540. SORRY, FOLKS.

541. LIQUI-BOX CORPORATION BUILDING IN WORTHINGTON, OHIO.

542. OF THE COOL, PRISTINE WATERS

543. CALIFORNIA'S HIGH SIERRAS?

544. WELL, THEN THE MARKETERS HAVE DONE THEIR JOBS.

545. WATER IS ACTUALLY 400 MILES AWAY IN NORTHEAST LOS ANGELES.

546. HOW ABOUT EVEREST WATER?

547. SEND A CAMERA CREW TO NEPAL?

548. NOT NECESSARY.

549. FROM THE INDUSTRIAL SECTION OF CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS.

550. IN FACT, IF YOU READ THE FINE PRINT ON THE FUCKIN' LABEL,

551. COMES FROM A MUNICIPAL SOURCE.

552. THAT IS TAP WATER,

553. OF THE CULT OF THE BOTTLE.

554. HEY, SHOULDN'T WE GET

555. MUNICIPAL WATER SOURCES?

556. AND TREATMENTS THESE GUYS ARE SELLING BACK TO US.

557. SAFE TAP WATER ISN'T FREE.

558. WE IN THE U.S. ALREADY PAID

559. FOR THAT GREAT,

560. THROUGH FEES AND TAXES.

561. OF THE WORLD,

562. TAP WATER EQUALS RAPID,

563. OR THE INTRODUCTION OF NEW,

564. TO YOUR INTESTINES OR ORGANS.

565. WE NEED TO DISGUISE IT?

566. I LOVE THESE BOTTLES.

567. THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GOOD, BUT I SLIPPED.

568. SOFT DRINK GIANTS TO TAKE THE PLUNGE.

569. COKE CALLS THEIRS DASANI.

570. PEPSI MAKES AQUAFINA.

571. TO SEE IT AND GOT INVOLVED.

572. MARKETING AND THEIR EXISTING TRANSPORTATION AND SO ON,

573. AND THEY'VE—THEY'RE

574. THEY SELL THE COKE OR PEPSI.

575. THINK ABOUT IT.

576. TAKE OUT OF THE GROUND FOR ALMOST NOTHIN',

577. PUT IN A FANCY BOTTLE,

578. FOR MORE THAN GASOLINE?

579. IT'S ALMOST LIKE PRINTIN' MONEY.

580. HOW TO GET IN ON THE ACTION, THEN WE REMEMBERED...

581. OUR HOSE!

582. BACK IN THE RESTAURANT,

583. VERY SPECIAL BOTTLED WATER FOR OUR DINERS TO SAMPLE,

584. A UNIQUE INGREDIENT.

585. BY THE BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST'S NATURAL FILTRATION SYSTEM.

586. THIS PARTICULAR WATER, IF YOU'LL NOTICE,

587. SPOTTED ARACHNID.

588. IT'S PURIFIED.

589. A SPIDER, YES.

590. OF SPIDER?

591. IT'S CALLED THE AMAZONIAN ARACHNID.

592. IT'S PURIFIED.

593. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO TOXINS INVOLVED IN THE WATER.

594. THE MEDICINAL QUALITIES OF THE WATER ITSELF.

595. OUTSIDE OF THE MOJAVE,

596. WITH A SPIDER IN IT?

597. BECAUSE, JUST LIKE WITH REAL BOTTLED WATER COMPANIES,

598. IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU SELL IT.

599. OF HOSE WATER THEY SAMPLED?

600. ABOUT THE AMAZON?

601. IT WAS FRESHER.

602. UM, IT JUST FELT PURER.

603. OK, NOW I CAN TASTE THE DIFFERENCE ON THIS ONE.

604. THE DIFFERENCE, TOO.

605. YOU CAN TASTE THE MINERALS.

606. IT'S A HARDER WATER, I GUESS, YOU KNOW?

607. BUT, UH, IN THIS ONE,

608. I DON'T TASTE THE MINERALS SO MUCH.

609. WELL,

610. THEY'D BEEN DRINKIN'.

611. OF THESE WATERS CAME FROM THE SAME GARDEN HOSE?

612. THE BOTTLES MYSELF.

613. NO, YOU DIDN'T.

614. I DID.

615. YOU'RE KIDDING ME?

616. FROM A WATER HOSE.

617. OF WATER, SO WHAT?

618. NO HARM, RIGHT?

619. WELL, I GUESS WE COULD

620. OF PESKY,

621. WORLDWIDE,

622. BUT THAT LANDFILL CRISIS, EH, THAT'S A LITTLE BIT OF BULLSHIT, TOO.

623. OUT OF THE BOTTLES.

624. IS ALL MADE OUT OF RECYCLED BOTTLES.

625. IN FACT...

626. WE'VE BEEN THINKIN',

627. FOR YOUR ENERGY. SURE!

628. MAKE YOU THIRSTY.

629. TASTES BETTER,

630. AND IT'S—IT'S GOOD FOR YOU. IT'S PURE.

631. FOR 150 BUCKS A BOTTLE.

632. AND IT'S NOT JUST FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS ANYMORE.

633. CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—