Penn & Teller: Bull! 1x5

1. GOOD EVENING.

2. MY NAME IS PENN JILLETTE, AND THIS IS MY—

3. AHEM. EXCUSE ME. UM...

4. WE'RE JUST GOING TO RECORD A LITTLE THING NOW.

5. COULD YOU JUST KEEP IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT?

6. GOOD EVENING. MY NAME IS PENN JILLETTE, AND THIS IS MY PARTNER TELLER.

7. ON TONIGHT'S SHOW— WE'RE, UH, WE'RE ACTUALLY RECORDING.

8. THIS IS GOING TO TAPE,

9. SO JUST—IF YOU COULD JUST KEEP IT DOWN.

10. UM...

11. MAYBE YOU COULD PLAY AT ANOTHER RESTAURANT.

12. MAYBE YOU COULD PLAY AT A RESTAURANT IN ANOTHER COUNTY.

13. YES, ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, WE'RE GONNA BE—

14. WHERE THE FUCK DID HE COME FROM?

15. UM... YEAH.

16. GOOD EVENING. MY NAME IS PENN JILLETTE—

17. COULD WE GET THE OWNER OVER HERE?

18. IS THE OWNER OF THIS PLACE HERE? COULD WE GET HIM OVER HERE?

19. I'M NEVER COMING TO THIS PLACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

20. I FIND THIS IRRITATING!

21. THIS IS NOT PART—UH...

22. I WOULD LIKE TO PASS LEGISLATION AGAINST THIS,

23. BECAUSE THIS IS BULLSH— BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.

24. IF THEY GATHER IN A PLACE THAT'S SMOKE FREE,

25. THEY'RE STILL GOING TO HAVE...

26. EVERY OTHER RESTAURANT IN THE CITY HAS BEEN HURTING SINCE 9/11...

27. IF YOU WENT INTO A BAR,

28. AND YOU STARTED SPRAYING AROUND

29. CANCER-CAUSING CHEMICALS,

30. THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.

31. WHY SHOULD I RISK GETTING SICK JUST TO HOLD A JOB?

32. I'M A BARTENDER. I MADE A LIVING—

33. I MAKE A LIVING IN THIS CITY FOR 15 YEARS BEHIND A BAR.

34. PROTECTING THE HEALTH OF PEOPLE. COME ON.

35. HOW MANY PEOPLE GOT TO DIE?

36. I'M A SMOKER. WHEN I'M NOT PREGNANT...

37. AND HER BABY'S LIFE AT RISK.

38. WE LOVE NEW YORK CITY.

39. YOU DON'T HAVE TO A SCIENTIST TO KNOW

40. THAT IF YOU'RE BREATHING IN THAT CRAP...

41. THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON HERE.

42. A FIGHT BETWEEN SMOKERS AND THOSE WHO HATE THEM.

43. 20,000 PLACES IN THIS CITY THAT YOU CAN GO TO THAT ARE SMOKE-FREE.

44. THE NEW YORK CITY COUNCIL HAS PASSED LEGISLATION

45. THAT MAKES SMOKING ILLEGAL

46. IN ALMOST EVERY BAR AND RESTAURANT.

47. TELLER AND I ARE HEADING INTO THE FRAY

48. REPRESENTING THE VOICE OF REASON.

49. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

50. IF YOU DON'T LIKE SECONDHAND SMOKE IN A CERTAIN PLACE,

51. DON'T GO IN.

52. THEY'RE TRYING TO LEGISLATE BEHAVIOR.

53. WHY DON'T WE WORRY ABOUT CRIME?

54. WHY DON'T WE WORRY ABOUT KEEPING THE STREETS CLEAN?

55. PEOPLE ARE SPEAKING OUT.

56. THEY WANT—THEY JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IN NEW YORK

57. THIS LEGISLATION WOULD PASS.

58. A NO SMOKING SIGN ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?

59. IT'S CRAZY!

60. SMOKE ALL YOU WANT,

61. I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH,

62. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO FORCE THOSE RISKS

63. ON INNOCENT PEOPLE AROUND YOU,

64. AND THAT'S WHAT SECONDHAND SMOKE DOES.

65. HI. I'M JOE CHERNER, AND I'M PRESIDENT

66. OF SMOKE FREE EDUCATIONAL SERVICES,

67. THE LARGEST SMOKE-FREE ADVOCACY GROUP IN THE COUNTRY.

68. HI, LINDA. NICE TO MEET YOU. LINDA, THIS IS MARK GREEN.

69. JOE CHERNER IS AT THE FOREFRONT OF NEW YORK'S

70. ANTI-SECONDHAND SMOKE CRUSADE.

71. AFTER MAKING A KILLING IN THE STOCK MARKET,

72. HE DECIDED TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE...

73. FOR HIM.

74. THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN WITHOUT JOE CHERNER.

75. I ALWAYS SWORE IF ONE DAY I HAD TIME AND MONEY

76. TO DO SOMETHING GOOD, I WOULD.

77. I TURNED MY BACK ON WALL STREET,

78. AND I FOUND OUT THAT THE GREATEST CAUSE OF DISEASE AND DEATH

79. IN OUR SOCIETY WAS TOBACCO ADDICTION.

80. SO JOE JUMPED INTO THE BATTLE BETWEEN SMOKERS AND ANTI-SMOKERS.

81. THIS IS TODAY'S DAILY NEWS. WE DID A POINT/COUNTERPOINT.

82. I TOOK THE SIDE THAT ALL WORKPLACES IN NEW YORK CITY SHOULD BE SMOKE FREE,

83. THAT THE HEALTH OF ALL WORKERS IS IMPORTANT.

84. YOU DO NOT HEAR THE BARTENDERS AND THE WAITRESSES

85. SCREAMING THAT THEY NEED TO BE SAVED.

86. WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS 40 YEARS, AND IT HASN'T AFFECTED ME.

87. AND WE HAVE ANOTHER GENTLEMAN THAT'S BEEN IN THE BUSINESS 60 YEARS,

88. AND HE'S STILL WORKING AT 85.

89. STUDY ABOUT SECONDHAND SMOKE THAT'S ACCEPTED,

90. SAYS THAT IT'S ONLY DANGEROUS—

91. I MEAN, THAT'S JUST A LIE.

92. THAT'S A SPECIOUS ARGUMENT.

93. WE NEED SOMEONE TO STEP IN

94. AND DECIDE WHOSE RIGHTS SHOULD PREVAIL,

95. AND THAT'S GOVERNMENT'S RESPONSIBILITY.

96. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.

97. IT'S WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY?

98. WE'RE GOING TO GO INTO CITY HALL NOW...

99. WE GUESS THE GOVERNMENT

100. ISN'T INTERFERING ENOUGH IN JOE'S LIFE.

101. HE WANTS A FULL-TIME BABY-SITTER.

102. I WAS BORN WITH VISION ON TO SEE THIS KIND OF DECEPTION

103. AND THIS KIND OF DECEIT OF THE TOBACCO CARTEL.

104. SO THEY DIDN'T GET ME.

105. HE WAS BORN WITH THE VISION TO SEE THIS KIND OF DECEPTION.

106. YET, SOMEHOW, HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO DETECT BULLSHIT.

107. IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH THAT THIS ASSHOLE

108. WANTS TO FORCE US TO BEHAVE THE WAY HE SAYS WE SHOULD.

109. HE'S GOING TO PRETEND IT'S HIS RIGHT.

110. OH, AND IF THE "YOU HAVE TO ACT THE WAY I WANT YOU TO ACT" ARGUMENT

111. ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU,

112. HOW ABOUT THE SCIENCE?

113. THESE—THESE FOLKS ARE GOING—

114. THESE FOLKS ARE GOING TO PRETEND

115. THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE IS TERRIBLE FOR YOU

116. AND THAT SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS AS UNDENIABLE FACT.

117. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

118. LAWS ARE BEING PASSED,

119. BUSINESS ARE BEING FORCED TO SHUT DOWN,

120. AND NOT ONE STUDY ANYWHERE OFFERS CONCLUSIVE PROOF

121. THAT BREATHING IN SECONDHAND SMOKE CAUSES CANCER.

122. NOT ONE!

123. I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO PULL A HOOKAH OUT OF HIS ASS.

124. THE ENTIRE WORLD HEALTH

125. AND SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY

126. AGREES THAT BOTH PRIMARY SMOKING

127. AND SECONDHAND SMOKE CAUSE CANCER.

128. WELL, THAT'S WRONG, THAT'S JUST FALSE.

129. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GOT THAT.

130. THE ENTIRE SCIENTIFIC WORLD DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT AT ALL.

131. LARRY ELDER, TALK-SHOW HOST.

132. LARRY ELDER'S RADIO SHOW IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR IN THE COUNTRY,

133. AND HE APPLIES HIS LIBERTARIAN VIEWS

134. TO MANY POLITICALLY INCORRECT ISSUES.

135. THE COURT OF RADIO-FREE AMERICA IS BACK IN SESSION.

136. THE HYSTERIA OVER SECONDHAND SMOKE

137. IS ONE OF HIS BIGGEST COMPLAINTS.

138. IN FACT, MANY SCIENTISTS, WHO ARE HONEST AND WHO HAVE INTEGRITY,

139. WILL TELL YOU THAT WHILE THEY PERSONALLY MAY ABHOR SMOKING,

140. THE SCIENCE IS JUST NOT THERE

141. FOR THIS BOGUS SECONDHAND SMOKE STUFF.

142. IT'S JUST NOT THERE.

143. I'M DR. ELIZABETH WHELAN,

144. AND I'M PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN COUNCIL ON SCIENCE AND HEALTH.

145. THERE ARE THOSE WHO MAINTAIN THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE

146. IS A MAJOR CAUSE OF CANCER, OF HEART DISEASE,

147. OF MANY UNDERLYING CHRONIC CONDITIONS.

148. AND THE EVIDENCE ON THAT IS EXTREMELY SCANTY.

149. THE SCIENCE REGARDING THE LINK BETWEEN SECONDHAND SMOKE

150. AND TOBACCO-CAUSED HARMS IS TENUOUS AT BEST.

151. I'M BOB LEVY, SENIOR FELLOW IN CONSTITUTIONAL STUDIES AT THE CATO INSTITUTE.

152. THE STUDY THAT GETS THE MOST PUBLICITY

153. IS A STUDY BY THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY

154. THAT WAS RELEASED IN 1993.

155. AND THAT STUDY WAS THE CATALYST

156. THAT OPENED THE DOORS FOR LOTS OF PLACES

157. TO INITIATE BANS ON INDOOR SMOKING.

158. THE EPA STUDY WAS A MEDIA BOMBSHELL.

159. AND ITS CONCLUSION, THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE

160. CAUSES 3,000 DEATHS IN THE U.S ANNUALLY,

161. QUICKLY BECAME THE RALLYING CRY

162. OF ANTI-SMOKING ACTIVISTS EVERYWHERE.

163. IT'S NOT A BIRTHRIGHT,

164. IT'S AN ACQUIRED ADDICTION

165. THAT KILLS MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

166. BUT IN 1998,

167. A FEDERAL COURT LAMBASTED THE EPA FOR THE STUDY,

168. SAYING IT DEMONSTRATED NO LINK BETWEEN SECONDHAND SMOKE AND CANCER.

169. AND WORSE, THAT THE EPA HAD INTENTIONALLY IGNORED DATA

170. THAT CONTRADICTED THEIR PREDETERMINED CONCLUSION.

171. THEY FAKED IT...

172. AND PEOPLE BOUGHT IT.

173. SMOKING BANS SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY.

174. IN SHORT, THEY LIED. THEY LIED TO US.

175. THEY OVERESTIMATED IT, IGNORED THEIR OWN FINDINGS,

176. IGNORED THEIR OWN STANDARDS OF SIGNIFICANT RISK

177. IN ORDER TO REACH A POLITICALLY ARRIVED-AT CONCLUSION.

178. THEY LIED.

179. JOE CHERNER AND OTHER SMOKE-FREE ADVOCATES

180. ALSO CITE THIS STUDY BY THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION.

181. HERALDED IN A PRESS RELEASE THAT PROCLAIMED...

182. BUT PRESS RELEASE ASIDE,

183. THE ACTUAL REPORT HAD A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CONCLUSION.

184. Bob Levy: WHEN YOU READ THE REPORT ITSELF,

185. IT SAYS...

186. THE "RESULTS INDICATE NO ASSOCIATION

187. "BETWEEN CHILDHOOD EXPOSURE TO ENVIRONMENTAL TOBACCO SMOKE

188. AND LUNG CANCER RISK."

189. NO ASSOCIATION.

190. AND FOR ADULTS, THE STUDY ADMITTED

191. THAT THE INCREASED RISK OF LUNG CANCER FROM SECONDHAND SMOKE

192. WAS NOT STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT.

193. NOW, IT'S INTERESTING TO CONTRAST THOSE CONCLUSIONS

194. WITH THIS BALD-FACED LIE THAT APPEARS IN THEIR PRESS RELEASE

195. THAT SAYS PASSIVE SMOKING CAUSES LUNG CANCER IN NON-SMOKERS.

196. SO I THINK THE W.H.O. STUDY, LIKE THE EPA STUDY,

197. IS ENTIRELY WITHOUT MERIT.

198. AND NEITHER ORGANIZATION HAS OWNED UP TO THAT FACT.

199. WAIT, WAIT. EVERY HEALTH

200. AND SCIENTIFIC ORGANIZATION IN THE WORLD

201. AGREES THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE

202. AND PRIMARY SMOKING CAUSE CANCER,

203. INCLUDING THE SURGEON GENERAL...

204. THESE GROUPS HAVE NO INTEREST IN LYING.

205. GRANTED, THESE GROUPS ALL DO STATE

206. THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE IS A KILLER.

207. BUT WHAT DO ALL OF THESE ORGANIZATIONS USE AS THEIR PRIMARY SOURCE?

208. THAT'S RIGHT, THE VERY SAME EPA STUDY

209. THAT WAS THROWN OUT BY A FEDERAL COURT.

210. AND IT GETS WORSE.

211. THESE GROUPS HAVE NOW INFLATED THE NUMBER

212. OF U.S. DEATHS FROM SECONDHAND SMOKE

213. FROM 3,000 TO UP TO 50,000 A YEAR.

214. BUT THIS NEW NUMBER ISN'T BASED ON HARD DATA,

215. IT'S A PROJECTION BASED ON MORTALITY RATES

216. FROM HEART DISEASE AND OTHER CAUSES OF DEATH.

217. WHAT THE GOVERNMENT DOES IS IGNORE ALL THOSE FACTORS.

218. YOU DIE, AND THEY GO, "OH, YOU LIVED WITH SOMEBODY WHO SMOKED.

219. THEREFORE, YOU LIKELY DIED BECAUSE OF SECONDHAND SMOKE."

220. AND THEY THROW ALL THOSE VARIABLES OUT THE WINDOW

221. TO COME UP WITH THIS STAT OF 50,00 PEOPLE WHO DIE BECAUSE OF SECONDHAND SMOKE

222. AND TO SCARE THE HELL OUT OF PEOPLE.

223. AND IT'S B.S.

224. AT SOME POINT, REASONABLE PEOPLE

225. HAVE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE.

226. SMOKE FREE. THIS IS JOE.

227. JOE CHERNER KNOWS THESE FACTS,

228. BUT TRIES HIS BEST TO DANCE AROUND THEM.

229. DANCE, JOE, DANCE.

230. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

231. I—I CAN READ THESE REPORTS AND NOT UNDERSTAND THEM,

232. BUT AS A LAY PERSON, I'M IN THE POSITION

233. WHERE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE SIDES WITH—

234. LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY AND THEN TAKE SIDES

235. WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO DO THE MEDICAL RESEARCH.

236. IF THEY'RE TELLING ME IT CAUSES CANCER,

237. I'M GOING TO BELIEVE THEM.

238. THAT THE BEST WAY TO LOSE AN ARGUMENT IS TO OVERSTATE IT.

239. ANTI-TOBACCO ADVOCATES HAVE OVERSTATED THE ISSUE.

240. HERE'S THE DEAL.

241. IF YOU ACCEPT THE EPA's OWN STUDY,

242. THE ANTI-SMOKING FANATICS WILL SAY YOUR CHANCES OF DYING OF LUNG CANCER

243. INCREASERS BY 25% IF YOU ARE A NON-SMOKER

244. LIVING AND WORKING AROUND A SMOKER.

245. BUT HERE'S THE BULLSHIT WAY THEY CALCULATE THAT 25%.

246. THE CHANCES OF DYING FROM LUNG CANCER

247. FOR PEOPLE EXPOSED TO SECONDHAND SMOKE IS...

248. FOR PEOPLE NOT EXPOSED TO SECONDHAND SMOKE...

249. OK, NOW THAT MAY SOUND LIKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.

250. WHEN YOU DO THE MATH,

251. THE ACTUAL DIFFERENCE IN THESE FIGURES IS...

252. VS...

253. WHICH IS STATISTICALLY OF NO SIGNIFICANCE.

254. AND THIS DATA WAS THROWN OUT BY A FEDERAL COURT.

255. CORNERED ON HOW THEY TWIST THE NUMBERS AND SPIN THE FACTS,

256. ZEALOTS LIKE JOE FALL BACK TO THIS ARGUMENT.

257. EVERY LOCALITY THAT HAS PASSED SMOKE-FREE WORKPLACE LEGISLATION

258. HAS SEEN BUSINESS GO UP, NOT DOWN.

259. IF THIS WAS BAD FOR BUSINESS,

260. DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REPEALED?

261. WHAT ABOUT THE GUY WHO CATERS TO SMOKERS?

262. CLEARLY, HIS BUSINESS

263. IS NOT GOING TO BE JUST AS GOOD AFTER A SMOKING BAN.

264. I THINK IT'S DESPICABLE.

265. I THINK IT'S AN INFRINGEMENT ON PEOPLE'S RIGHTS.

266. AND I THINK IT'S AN INFRINGEMENT ON THE RESTAURANT OWNERS

267. AND BAR OWNERS IN NEW YORK CITY.

268. IF I HAD ENOUGH PEOPLE WHO SAID,

269. "WE DON'T WANT SMOKING.

270. WE DON'T WANT TO BE HERE BECAUSE OF SMOKING,"

271. AND MY BUSINESS FELL OFF BECAUSE OF IT,

272. I WOULD BAN SMOKING IN A MINUTE.

273. Larry Elder: IF I HAVE A RESTAURANT,

274. AND PARTICULARLY, IF MY CLIENTELE

275. IS CONSISTING OF PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SMOKING

276. AND COME TO MY RESTAURANT BECAUSE IT IS SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY CAN SMOKE,

277. IT IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR AND ARBITRARY AND WRONG

278. FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO WAVE THIS STUDY, WHICH IS BOGUS,

279. AND TELL ME THAT I'M KILLING PEOPLE,

280. AND THEREFORE, I SHOULD BAN SMOKING.

281. THAT IS JUST WRONG.

282. WHEN THE BUSINESS ARGUMENT FAILS,

283. ACTIVISTS LIKE JOE WILL TRY A BIT OF THE OLD

284. "I'M ON YOUR SIDE" PATRONIZING.

285. SMOKERS ARE GOOD PEOPLE,

286. AND THEY'RE WELCOME EVERYWHERE.

287. IT'S THE SMOKE THAT'S BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.

288. IT'S THE SMOKE THAT'S NOT WELCOME.

289. I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE SMOKERS.

290. I LOVE MY SMOKER FRIENDS.

291. MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS A SMOKER.

292. AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU,

293. JOE'S GOT ALL KINDS OF SLIPPERY ARGUMENTS.

294. AND THE PEOPLE ARE EXTREMELY SUPPORTIVE.

295. POLITICIANS CAN COUNT VOTES.

296. YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S ONE THING POLITICIANS CAN DO,

297. THEY CAN COUNT VOTES.

298. AND THEY WOULDN'T DO THIS IF THIS WEREN'T POPULAR, YOU KNOW?

299. THIS IS DRIVEN BY POLITICS,

300. DRIVEN BY PC.

301. THEY'RE REACHED THEIR CONCLUSION,

302. AND THEY'VE USED SCIENCE TO WORK BACKWARDS,

303. IGNORING ALL THE DATA THAT CONFLICTS THEIR PRECONCEIVED CONCLUSION.

304. YOU DESERVE IT.

305. ALL WORKERS DESERVE A SAFE, HEALTHY,

306. SMOKE-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT.

307. IT'S SIMPLY A QUESTION OF WHEN.

308. IT WILL BE IN A CITY NEAR YOU SOON.

309. I AM SOMEWHAT TROUBLED BY GOVERNMENT COMING IN

310. AND TELLING PRIVATE— THE PRIVATE SECTOR WHAT TO DO.

311. PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO SMOKE CIGARETTES.

312. IT'S A LEGAL PRODUCT.

313. YOU SOME 5 PACKS A DAY IN YOUR CAR,

314. I AM THRILLED FOR YOU.

315. YOU KNOW, I GOT ENOUGH OF MY OWN PROBLEMS.

316. I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOURS.

317. BUT WHEN YOU SMOKE IN FRONT OF ME,

318. YOU MAKE IT MY PROBLEM.

319. AND WHEN YOU SMOKE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE

320. WHO DON'T WANT TO BREATHE THAT CRAP,

321. YOU MAKE IT THEIR PROBLEM.

322. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE SMOKING,

323. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE SECONDHAND SMOKE,

324. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE SMOKE IN YOUR HAIR,

325. I REALLY DO RESENT IT IF YOU WALK INTO A RESTAURANT

326. AND TELL EVERYBODY IN THERE, SOME OF WHOM ARE SMOKING,

327. "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT AROUND ME,

328. "BECAUSE THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME.

329. "AND EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I DON'T LIKE,

330. I'M GOING TO USE SOME SORT OF LEGISLATOR TO OUTLAW."

331. THAT IS SIMPLY FLAT-OUT WRONG.

332. SHOULD THEY STOP US FROM EATING CAKE

333. BECAUSE AMERICA'S AN OBESE SOCIETY?

334. WHEN FASCISM COMES TO AMERICA,

335. IT WILL ARRIVE IN A WHITE COAT WITH A STETHOSCOPE.

336. IT'S THE SMOKERS THEY WANT TO GET RID OF.

337. THIS SHOULD BE CALLED "THE NEW YORK CITY SMOKER-FREE AIR ACT."

338. ARE THEY GOING TO COME INTO MY HOME AND SAY I CAN'T SMOKE A CIGAR THERE, TOO?

339. WHAT'S NEXT?

340. WE COULD SHUT DOWN ALL SOCIAL INTERACTION

341. IF WE ALLOWED EVERYBODY TO BAN ACTIVITIES THAT ANYONE OBJECTED TO.

342. NONE OF THIS BOTHERS UNCLE JOE, OF COURSE.

343. SEE, HE KNOWS BEST.

344. AND HE'LL TELL YOU THAT UNTIL YOUR EARS BLEED.

345. THAT ONCE YOU START USING THIS DRUG...

346. 5 PACKS A DAY...

347. THE SURGEON GENERAL...

348. SECONDHAND SMOKE... CAUSE CANCER...

349. CANCER... CANCER...

350. YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT...

351. EVERYONE ALREADY AGREES...

352. PEOPLE THINK...

353. YOU DON'T HAVE THAT RIGHT...

354. THE RIGHT TO SMOKE...

355. CALL ME NAIVE OR CALL ME STUPID...

356. BOTH PRIMARY SMOKE AND SECONDHAND SMOKE...

357. CAUSES DISEASE... CAUSE DISEASE...

358. NOT TO MENTION THE CANCER.

359. COME ON! IF SOMEBODY SAYS TO ME,

360. "I DON'T LIKE SMOKE," THAT'S FINE,

361. BUT DON'T GIVE ME THIS STUFF ABOUT THERE'S A SCIENTIFIC BASIS

362. THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE KILLS PEOPLE.

363. AND IT'S B.S.

364. IF ALL THIS IS BULLSHIT,

365. WHY IS JOE CHERNER DOING THIS?

366. WHAT DRIVES THIS MAN TO MEDDLE IN OUR LIVES?

367. IT'S MY KIND OF ISSUE.

368. I GREW UP WITH COMIC BOOKS.

369. BECAUSE ONE SIDE HAD ALL THE RIGHT,

370. AND THE OTHER SIDE HAD ALL THE MONEY.

371. COMIC BOOKS? NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

372. JOE CHERNER WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO.

373. BUT LIFE'S NOT A COMIC BOOK, JOE,

374. AND LAST WE CHECKED, NEITHER IS THE CONSTITUTION.

375. JUST FOR THE RECORD,

376. NEITHER OF US SMOKES,

377. AND WE BOTH HATE SECONDHAND SMOKE,

378. BUT FREEDOM IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR COMFORT.

379. AND THERE ARE BIGGER ISSUES.

380. WHEN WE MAKE OUR KILLING IN THE STOCK MARKET,

381. WE'RE GOING TO WORK FULL TIME

382. ON GETTING KENNY G. MUSIC BANNED IN RESTAURANTS.

383. YOU KNOW, THAT JUST CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOU,

384. AND WE'LL FIND BULLSHIT SCIENCE TO SUPPORT OUR CLAIM, TOO.

385. HEY, YOU GUYS KNOW ANY MOZART?

386. WELL, THERE'S A, UH...

387. THERE'S A BABY RIGHT OVER THERE.

388. FOR NEW PARENTS, THE FIRST 3 YEARS

389. OF THEIR BABY'S LIVES ARE FILLED WITH ANGST.

390. ARE WE DOING ENOUGH FOR OUR BABY?

391. WILL HE BE LEFT BEHIND IN PRE-SCHOOL?

392. WILL HE GO TO YALE, OR WILL HE GO TO JAIL?

393. WHO DOESN'T WANT TO GIVE A KID A HEAD START?

394. BOMBARDED BY CONFLICTING ADVICE,

395. WARNINGS, AND BABY PRODUCTS,

396. MANY PARENTS FIND THEMSELVES SHELL-SHOCKED,

397. NOT KNOWING WHERE TO TURN OR WHO TO TRUST,

398. BUT KNOWING THEY BETTER NOT FUCK THINGS UP.

399. LET'S CLAP IT, EVERYBODY.

400. NEW PARENTS ARE SCARED SHITLESS.

401. WHEN IT COMES TO RAISING THEIR BABIES,

402. THEY'LL DO ANYTHING.

403. THEY'LL EVEN SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO THIS.

404. WHEN I WANT TO HAVE FUN WITH MY FRIENDS

405. I WIGGLE MY TAIL AND DIVE RIGHT IN

406. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE A GOOD PARENT,

407. BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT.

408. IF WE'RE NOT GOOD PARENTS, THEN SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE

409. BROUGHT UP A GOOD LITTLE CITIZEN.

410. AS BEING A NEW DAD, I LACK EXPERIENCE,

411. SO I'M WILLING TO TRY ALMOST ANYTHING TO GIVE HIM A PROPER UPBRINGING.

412. AND THERE'S BIG MONEY IN THE MARKET OF PARENTAL PANIC,

413. $6 BILLION A YEAR.

414. TODAY, THOUSANDS OF BOOKS, VIDEOS, COMPUTER PROGRAMS,

415. EDUCATIONAL TOYS, CLASSES, AND WORKSHOPS,

416. ALL PROMISE TO HELP YOU RAISE A BETTER BABY.

417. THE LATEST SENSATION IS PEDIATRICIAN DR. HARVEY KARP,

418. WHOSE BOOK THE HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK,

419. HAS BECOME THE MUST-HAVE PRODUCT OF MOMS AND DADS EVERYWHERE.

420. WELL, HAVING A NEW BABY IS ONE OF THE MOST JOYOUS EXPERIENCES

421. THAT CAN HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE,

422. BUT IT ALSO IS FILLED WITH CHALLENGES.

423. I TAKE SCIENTIFIC INFORMATION

424. AND CONVERT IT INTO INFORMATION THAT'S EASY TO FOLLOW FOR EVERYBODY.

425. IN OTHER WORDS, HE'S COLLECTED AGE-OLD PARENTAL TECHNIQUES

426. AND PACKAGED THEM INTO A SLICK MESSAGE

427. THAT DESPERATE PARENTS ARE ONLY TOO EAGER TO BUY...

428. LITERALLY.

429. SHUSHING IMITATES THE SOUND OF THE UTERUS, OF THE BLOOD—

430. WHOOSHING THROUGH THE ARTERIES OF THE UTERUS.

431. THE SOUND IN THE UTERUS IS LOUDER THAN A VACUUM CLEANER.

432. SHH.

433. CALL HIM A SHREWD BUSINESSMAN EXPLOITING A MARKET,

434. BUT DR. KARP'S TECHNIQUES SEEM TO BE BENEFICIAL.

435. THEN AGAIN,

436. EVEN OLD HARVEY CAN'T RESIST MAKING A BUCK.

437. UM, ON MY WEBSITE,

438. I ALSO SELL CDs OF THE SOUND OF THE UTERUS.

439. SOUNDS OF THE UTERUS?

440. WAS THAT SIMON AND GARFUNKLE?

441. FOR EVERY LEGITIMATE BABY-REARING TECHNIQUE AVAILABLE,

442. THERE'S A HUNDRED THAT ARE PURE BULLSHIT,

443. OR STINKY POO-POO.

444. ONE OF BIGGEST SMELLY DIAPERS

445. IS THE SO-CALLED "MOZART EFFECT,"

446. WHICH PROMISES A HIGHER I.Q.

447. IF YOUR BABY LISTENS TO CLASSICAL MUSIC.

448. THE IDEA OF HOW WE THINK AND REASON

449. IS OBVIOUSLY ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING QUESTIONS WE CAN ASK.

450. I'M GORDON SHAW,

451. AND I'M PROFESSOR EMERITUS OF PHYSICS

452. AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, IRVINE.

453. GORDON SHAW CREATED A FIRESTORM IN THE LATE 1990s

454. WHEN HE PUBLISHED PAPERS CONCLUDING THAT LISTENING TO MOZART

455. COULD IMPROVE THE BRAIN'S ABILITY TO CONDUCT SPATIAL REASONING.

456. THE APPEAL OF THE MOZART EFFECT

457. WAS THAT IT SEEMED TO CONTRADICT THE IDEA

458. THAT INTELLIGENCE WAS FIXED AND UNCHANGEABLE.

459. CHRISTOPHER CHABRIS,

460. DEPARTMENT OF PSYCHOLOGY, HARVARD UNIVERSITY.

461. THE IDEA WAS THAT IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO MUSIC FOR 10 MINUTES,

462. YOU'D BE SMARTER AFTERWARDS.

463. BUT THE MOZART EFFECT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

464. IT WAS A SHORT-TERM EFFECT. IT ONLY LASTED 10 OR 15 MINUTES.

465. 16 STUDIES HAD BEEN PUBLISHED ON THE MOZART EFFECT.

466. WHEN YOU AVERAGE THEM ALL TOGETHER,

467. THERE'S ALMOST NO MOZART EFFECT.

468. IN SPITE OF BEING WORTHLESS,

469. BABY MOZART PRODUCTS ARE EVERYWHERE...

470. AND THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE BABY SECTION.

471. WHY?

472. THE LISTENING EXPERIMENTS

473. WERE DONE WITH COLLEGE STUDENTS AND OTHER ADULTS.

474. THAT'S RIGHT. THE MOZART EFFECT WAS AN ADULT REACTION.

475. IT WASN'T EVEN TRIED ON BABIES.

476. AND THIS IS THE REAL GUY SAYING THIS.

477. THERE WERE NO STUDIES DONE WITH VERY YOUNG CHILDREN.

478. ABSOLUTELY NONE BY ANYONE.

479. LISTENING TO A LITTLE MOZART

480. IS NOT GOING TO HARM YOUR CHILD,

481. BUT IT CERTAINLY—

482. THERE'S NO RESEARCH TO SHOW THAT, UM,

483. THAT—THAT'S GOING TO MAKE THEM SMARTER.

484. BUT THE MOZART EFFECT IS ONLY ONE KIND OF BABY BULLSHIT

485. THAT PARENTS HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO.

486. AND THEY ALL STEM FROM A BASIC MISUNDERSTANDING OF A CHILD'S FIRST 3 YEARS.

487. NOW YOU WANT TO DISLOCATE THE SHOULDER.

488. SEE? LIKE TELLER. JUST DISLOCATE—

489. THERE'S A LOT OF HYPE THAT SAYS THAT CHILDREN

490. HAVE TO BE EXPOSED TO ALL SORTS OF THINGS,

491. OR ELSE THEY'LL BE CRIPPLED FOR LIFE.

492. AND THAT'S SIMPLY NOT TRUE.

493. I'M ROBERT NEEDLMAN. I'M A PEDIATRICIAN

494. AT METRO HEALTH MEDICAL CENTER IN CLEVELAND.

495. IT'S BASED ON THE MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE SCIENTIFIC DATA.

496. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT MORE AND MORE STRUCTURED

497. AND MORE SCHOOL-LIKE LEARNING EARLY ON IS HELPFUL FOR CHILDREN.

498. AND IT SIMPLY ISN'T.

499. BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER CRACKPOT IDEAS

500. OUT THERE TO BUILD A SMARTER BABY...

501. LIKE THE VIDEOS PUT OUT BY THIS YO-YO.

502. I'VE USED EVERYTHING THAT I LEARNED ABOUT HOW BABIES LEARN,

503. AND I PUT THAT INTO THE TAPES.

504. SO IT'S NOT JUST SOMETHING

505. THAT IS ENJOYABLE FOR THE BABY,

506. OR STIMULATING FOR THE BABY,

507. BUT IT'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP THE BABY LEARN.

508. DR. ROBERT TITZER HAS SOLD OVER 100,000 COPIES

509. OF HIS YOUR BABY CAN READ VIDEOS.

510. HE CLAIMS HE TAUGHT HIS OWN KIDS TO READ

511. BEFORE THEY WERE 12 MONTHS OLD.

512. IF YOU BUY HIS TAPE,

513. YOUR TODDLERS CAN LEARN TO READ, TOO.

514. I CALL THIS A MULTI-SENSORY READING APPROACH.

515. SO IF THE WORD SAYS "CLAP,"

516. THE BABY WOULD SEE THE WORD "CLAP"

517. AND HEAR THE WORD "CLAP."

518. THE BABY WOULD SEE ANOTHER CHILD CLAPPING

519. AND THEN THE BABY IS ASKED TO PARTICIPATE.

520. BUT SHOULD WE EVEN BE TRYING TO TEACH OUR BABIES TO READ?

521. SO I AM A HUGE BELIEVER

522. IN READING ALOUD TO YOUNG CHILDREN FROM A VERY EARLY AGE,

523. NOT TO TEACH THEM TO READ EARLY.

524. THE CHILD WHO READS AT AGE 3 OR 4 IS NOT NECESSARILY

525. GOING TO DO BETTER IN LIFE THAN THE CHILD WHO READS AT AGE 5 OR 6.

526. 3-YEAR-OLD TWINS SOPHIA AND CARISSA

527. STARTED WATCHING DR. TITZER'S VIDEOS WHEN THEY WERE 6 MONTHS OLD.

528. SO THEY'VE BEEN WATCHING THEM FOR 21/2 YEARS.

529. PRETTY GOOD MATH, HUH?

530. SEE? SEE? I DIDN'T HAVE THE TAPES, AND I TURNED OUT OK.

531. BUT HAVE THE TAPES WORKED WITH THE GIRLS?

532. DR. TITZER AGREED TO CONDUCT A DEMONSTRATION.

533. CARISSA, LOOK AT THIS.

534. COULD YOU FIND THE WORD "BILLOW"?

535. WHICH WORD WOULD SAY "BILLOW"?

536. THIS ONE. YOU THINK SO? HMM.

537. THIS WAS A WORD FROM THE VIDEO. OK.

538. DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS ONE HERE?

539. DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS ONE?

540. BALL. NO.

541. COULD YOU JUST GUESS WHAT THAT ONE SAYS? DO YOU WANT TO GUESS?

542. FLOWER.

543. NO, NOT FLOWER. THAT ONE'S "NED."

544. WE'LL TRY THIS ONE HERE.

545. TRUCK.

546. NO.

547. SOPHIA, COULD YOU TRY TO FIND THE WORD "CLAP" AGAIN?

548. WHICH WORD SAYS "CLAP"?

549. WELL, THIS ONE SAYS "TOES."

550. WHICH WORD DO YOU THINK SAYS "ELEPHANT"?

551. VERY GOOD.

552. WHEW! THAT WAS EASY.

553. WELL, AT LEAST THE GIRLS ARE HAVING LOTS OF FUN WITH THEIR READING.

554. LET'S GO FOR A BIKE RIDE.

555. FOR BABIES, WATCHING VIDEOS

556. IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PASSIVE EXPERIENCE.

557. IT'S NICE. IT'S A BABY-SITTER.

558. THAT'S GREAT, BUT THEY SHOULDN'T KID THEMSELVES

559. INTO THINKING THAT THIS EXPERIENCE

560. IS SOMEHOW WONDERFULLY STIMULATING FOR THEIR BABY.

561. IT ISN'T.

562. EVEN SO, EVERY YEAR COUNTLESS NEW VIDEOS HIT THE MARKET.

563. FROM TAPES PROMISING TO STIMULATE THE UNBORN BABY IN THE WOMB

564. TO THOSE AIMED AT PREPARING A TODDLER FOR THE BEST PRE-SCHOOL.

565. THESE PRODUCTS ARE SCOOPED UP

566. BY CONCERNED PARENTS LOOKING FOR ANSWERS.

567. FROM A PARENT'S POINT OF VIEW,

568. THERE IS A WORLD OF EXPERTS,

569. AND SOME OF THESE EXPERTS REALLY ARE EXPERTS

570. AND SOME OF THEM ARE CHARLATANS.

571. SOME OF THEM ARE IN IT FOR THE MONEY.

572. HELLO. I'M TRACY HOGG, THE BABY WHISPERER.

573. Penn, whispering: Why does the baby whisperer whisper?

574. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?

575. WHEN THEY'RE CRYING IN THE CRIB,

576. WHAT THEY'RE ESSENTIALLY SAYING IS,

577. "WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?"

578. YEAH, TRACY HOGG COULD BE THE NEXT BIG THING.

579. IN ADDITION TO THIS VIDEO,

580. SHE'S GOT A 2-BOOK DEAL,

581. AND A NEW TV SERIES IN PRODUCTION.

582. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, LEGIONS OF PARENTS ARE SHELLING OUT MONEY

583. TO HEAR HER SAY

584. REMEMBER THAT THIS TINY BABY

585. IS A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS.

586. NO? YOU THINK?

587. THIS FORMER NANNY, WITH HER IMPRESSIVE BRITISH ACCENT,

588. INCREDIBLY, CHARGES UP TO $1,000 A DAY

589. TO PERSONALLY TUTOR NEW MOMMIES AND DADDIES.

590. AND HER EXPERT ADVICE IS NO MORE THAN BASIC COMMON SENSE.

591. ALL BABIES, WHETHER THEY'RE BREAST-FED

592. OR WHETHER THEY'RE FED WITH A BOTTLE WITH FORMULA,

593. NEED TO EAT.

594. I GOTTA REMEMBER THAT.

595. TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S A HUMAN BEING.

596. CLEARLY, THAT'S GENIUS.

597. NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

598. BUT A GRAND A DAY?

599. WE REALLY WANT TO BE GENTLE WITH OUR BABIES.

600. WHAT A REVELATION!

601. AND CHECK OUT THE INGENIOUS PRODUCTS

602. SHE HAS FOR SALE THROUGH HER WEBSITE.

603. THIS IS A BLANKET THAT I'VE DESIGNED AND JUST HAD PATENTED

604. TO HELP YOU SWADDLE YOUR INFANT.

605. THERE'S A HOLE IN THE TOP.

606. A BLANKET WITH A HOLE IN IT!

607. GOOD THING SHE HAD IT PATENTED.

608. THE BABY WHISPERER?

609. WHAT THE HELL ARE PEOPLE THINKING?

610. I MEAN, I KNOW PEOPLE WITH LITTLE KIDS,

611. MAYBE THEY'RE FALLING FOR THIS TYPE OF CRAP DUE TO SLEEP DEPRAVATION.

612. THERE'S—THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION.

613. PARENTS ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF WHEN THEY'RE AT THEIR WEAKEST

614. JUST BECAUSE THEY CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN.

615. NOW WATCH UNCLE HOUDINI

616. GET OUT OF THE STRAITJACKET.

617. NO, JUST LIKE HIM.

618. HOW MUCH HAS THIS BABY BULLSHIT

619. TURNED PARENTS INTO NOTHING MORE THAN TERRIFIED SUCKERS?

620. HI. I'M JENNY WHITE,

621. AND WELCOME TO THE TRIANGLE OF LOVE

622. TO FIND OUT, WE STAGED A PHONY INFOMERCIAL TAPING,

623. COMPLETE WITH A BULLSHIT BABY-REARING METHOD

624. AND OUR FRIEND CAROLYN SPERRY PLAYING ITS CREATOR.

625. WELL, I'D LIKE YOU TO INTRODUCE YOURSELVES FIRST

626. AND YOUR LITTLE ONES.

627. WE LURED THESE REAL PARENTS

628. INTO TRYING THE STUPIDEST BABY-REARING TECHNIQUES WE COULD THINK OF.

629. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BURPING.

630. THE BEST WAY TO GET YOUR CHILD TO BURP

631. IS TO HAVE THEM EMULATE YOU.

632. SHOW THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO DO.

633. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

634. YEAH, ACTUALLY, IT DOES.

635. IN GENERAL?

636. NOW MAKE SURE THAT YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT...

637. AND THEN YOU JUST WANT TO...

638. SHOW THEM HOW TO DO IT.

639. VERY GOOD.

640. OHH...

641. VERY NICE, MARC. YOU GOT AHOLD OF IT.

642. AH...

643. IT'S GOT TO BE LACK OF SLEEP, RIGHT?

644. THEN MISS JENNY HAD ANOTHER SURPRISE FOR THEM.

645. YOUR CHILD IS WEARING THESE DIAPERS ALL THE TIME,

646. AND THEY NEVER SEE THEIR MOM OR DAD IN THEM.

647. HERE AT BULLSHIT, WE'RE REALLY PROUD

648. OF THIS NEXT VERY SPECIAL TELEVISION MOMENT.

649. ESSENTIALLY, WE JUST PUT THEM ON LIKE YOU DO WITH ANY CHILDREN.

650. AND JUST REMEMBER THIS IS IMPORTANT TIME WITH YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

651. YOU KNOW, I'LL START WITH MARC OVER HERE.

652. WHAT? YOU DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA PUT IT ON?

653. PARTICIPATING LIKE THIS JUST MAKES YOU MORE IN TOUCH WITH YOUR KIDS,

654. AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT EVERY FATHER WANTS.

655. I THINK YOU COULD PROBABLY WEAR A SLIGHTLY SMALLER SIZE, HUH?

656. OK, SO WE HAD THEM DO THIS JUST FOR LAUGHS.

657. WE'RE BASTARDS.

658. MAYBE THE POWER HAS GONE TO OUR HEADS,

659. BUT STICK WITH US.

660. WE'RE PRETENDING TO ACTUALLY MAKE A POINT HERE.

661. CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO. HERE COMES THE TRAIN.

662. THIS IS JUST FOR MOMMY.

663. THERE YA GO.

664. WHAT A GOOD BOY.

665. OK, HERE'S OUR POINT.

666. WHEN IT COMES TO DOING WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST FOR YOUR KIDS,

667. LOVING PARENTS WILL TRY JUST ABOUT ANY KIND OF BULLSHIT.

668. IT'S THEIR KIDS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

669. AND THEY LOVE THEM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

670. THEY'RE JUST TOO EASY TO SCAM.

671. WEARING THE DIAPER TODAY, I LEARNED THAT MY CHILD IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE,

672. AND WHEN THEY CRY—NOW I KNOW WHY THEY ARE CRYING.

673. I WOULD RECOMMEND THE JENNY WHITE COURSE TO MY FRIENDS THAT HAVE KIDS.

674. IT KINDA TAUGHT ME TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX A LITTLE BIT.

675. WITH CARING, LOVING DADS LIKE THESE,

676. THEIR CHILDREN ARE IN GOOD HANDS.

677. THEY DON'T NEED LOVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH A COMPUTER

678. OR A VIDEOTAPE OR EVEN A RECORD PLAYER OR A CD.

679. THEY NEED LOVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH HUMAN BEINGS.

680. YAY. YAY.

681. I THINK WE ALL HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF HOW TO RAISE A CHILD.

682. LOVE THEM, PLAY WITH THEM, READ TO THEM.

683. THEY EAT IT UP.

684. "A LONG TIME AGO IN A PLACE CALLED BUDAPEST,

685. THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY NAMED ERICH WEISS."

686. ERICH WEISS!

687. ERICH WEISS COULD PICK LOCKS AND GET OUT OF STRAITJACKETS

688. JUST LIKE THAT,

689. AND HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO HOUDINI.

690. NOW, I LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH,

691. SO I'D LIKE YOU TO ESCAPE FROM THE STRAITJACKET.

692. COME ON, ESCAPE FROM THE DAMN STRAITJACKET.

693. AND MAKE IT ENTERTAINING.

694. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—