Penn & Teller: Bull! 1x4

1. A STUPID FRENCH FUCK— NOSTRADAMUS—

2. WHO LIKED SAYING, "DOOM IS UPON US,"

3. WROTE AN END-OF-THE-WORLD BIT

4. IN RHYMING FRENCH...

5. BULLSHIT.

6. AND IF MY EAR WERE A VAGINA,

7. I COULD HAVE SEX WITH MYSELF.

8. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE LAST LINE,

9. BUT... THE REST OF IT IS BULLSHIT.

10. IT'S IN THE NEWS EVERY DAY— FRIGHTENING MADMEN

11. AND TERRIFYING THREATS SUGGESTING THE END OF THE WORLD IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

12. SO PERVASIVE IS THIS MESSAGE OF MASS DESTRUCTION,

13. IT'S GIVEN BIRTH TO A COTTAGE INDUSTRY OF THE APOCALYPSE.

14. AND THERE ARE MANY SALESMEN.

15. I HAVE 3 PRIME PIECES OF ADVICE.

16. NUMBER ONE IS GET OUT OF THE CITIES.

17. IT'S GONNA BE A CONFLICT TO END ALL CONFLICTS.

18. NUMBER 2 IS GET OUT OF THE CITIES.

19. AS MUCH AS, UH, UH, 60 TO 80%

20. OF ALL OF EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED.

21. AND NUMBER 3 IS GET OUT OF THE CITIES.

22. WE HEAR THESE PROPHETS WORKING ALL THE TIME.

23. WE SEE THEM ON TELEVISION. WE READ THEIR BOOKS.

24. THEY'RE NEVER CALLED TO TASK WHEN THEY'RE WRONG.

25. AND THEY'RE WRONG, WRONG, WRONG ALL THE TIME.

26. DAMN STRAIGHT, RANDI. WE'RE ALL STILL HERE,

27. AND SOMETHIN' TELLS ME WE AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE ANYTIME SOON.

28. HERE'S THE LIST COMPILED BY RANDI

29. WHEN THE WORLD WAS GONNA END AND WHO PREDICTED IT.

30. A LOT OF MISSES.

31. DIDN'T END IN 1665 OR 1704 OR 1736

32. WHEN BILL WAS WRONG. NOPE.

33. BUT THE NEXT GUY COULD BE RIGHT, COULDN'T HE?

34. HE COULD BE. COULD'VE BEEN 1881. COULD'VE BEEN 1947.

35. COULD'VE BEEN 1977, 1988, 1980s.

36. NOSTRADAMUS SAID 1999.

37. THESE END-OF-THE-WORLD HYSTERICS HAVE CONVINCED MANY

38. THAT IT'S TIME TO CASH IN THEIR CHIPS

39. AND HEAD FOR THE HILLS...

40. LIKE THE COUPLE THAT LIVES IN THIS HOMEY DUMP,

41. DEEP IN THE PINE BARRENS OF SOUTHERN NEW JERSEY.

42. WE'VE BEEN HERE, UH, BASICALLY A YEAR AND A HALF.

43. OUR LEGAL RESIDENCE IS INDIANA, BUT THIS IS RIGHT NOW...

44. THIS IS WHERE WE WANT TO BE.

45. I'M STEVE HAMBLING.

46. AND I'M DEL CASSIDY.

47. CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT

48. IS—IS—COULD DEFINITELY COME TO AN END.

49. YOU JUST LOOK AT THE— THE RESOURCE USE

50. AND—AND THINGS LIKE THAT ON OUR PLANET.

51. I MEAN, IT DOESN'T TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST

52. TO FIGURE OUT THIS IS ALL GONNA RUN OUT SOONER OR LATER.

53. THE GOOD NEW IS THAT ROCKET SCIENTISTS

54. ARE WORKIN' ON NEW TECHNOLOGIES,

55. NOT HIDING IN A SHACK LIKE THIS.

56. THINGS LIKE— LIKE FOOD, YOU KNOW,

57. WE CAN—WE CAN GO OUT AND GET FOOD IF WE NEED FOOD,

58. OFF THE LAND. IT'S JUST— IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

59. SO DO YOU EAT ANIMALS THAT YOU KILL?

60. WE'RE NOT THAT GOOD YET.

61. WE'VE TRIED.

62. SO DEL AND STEVE HAVEN'T GIVEN UP

63. THEIR TRIPS TO THE PIGGLY-WIGGLY.

64. BUT WHERE DID THEY LEARN THEIR AMAZING SURVIVAL SKILLS?

65. FROM THIS MAN.

66. HI. I'M TOM BROWN,

67. FOUNDER AND DIRECTOR

68. OF THE TRACKER WILDERNESS SURVIVAL SCHOOL.

69. TOM'S BURGEONING BUSINESS

70. CATERS TO THOSE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF TOMORROW.

71. PONY UP 700 BUCKS FOR A WEEK-LONG CLASS,

72. AND YOU'LL LEARN ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

73. TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS AFTER THE CITIES ARE GONE.

74. WELL, BASICALLY, IN A SURVIVAL WORKSHOP,

75. WE, UH, LEARN THE BASIC 4,

76. OR THE SACRED ORDER, AS IT'S CALLED—

77. SHELTER, WATER, FIRE, AND FOOD.

78. TOM'S EVEN GOT A WEB SITE AND A FEW BOOKS OUT

79. TO FULLY CASH IN ON THE SKY-IS-FALLING HYSTERIA.

80. NOT THAT ANY OF HIS DOUGH WILL MEAN ANYTHING

81. ONCE ALL THIS IS A RAGING INFERNO OF RADIOACTIVE HELL.

82. WE SPENT THE DAY AT THE SURVIVAL SCHOOL,

83. AND JUST TO MAKE IT INTERESTING,

84. WE ADDED THESE 2 GUYS TO THE MIX.

85. DAVID RICHICHI AND RICHARD TICHO ARE FROM BROOKLYN.

86. THE CLOSEST THEY'VE EVER GOTTEN TO THE WILDERNESS

87. IS WATCHIN' THE CROCODILE HUNTER.

88. IF I HAD TO DO THIS, I WOULD DO IT.

89. BUT I'D RATHER LIVE IN THE CITY.

90. YOU KNOW. I MEAN, I LIKE MY CAPPUCCINOS, MY EXPRESSOS, MY CABLE TV.

91. BUT IF PUSH COME TO SHOVE,

92. IT'D BE NICE TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE A HUT.

93. WHAT WE'RE GONNA BE BUILDING HERE

94. IS WHAT WE CALL A DEBRIS HUT.

95. THE FIRST TASK FOR THE CLASS

96. WAS TO GATHER SOME BRANCHES.

97. AND WE'LL PUT A GOOD LAYER

98. OF LATTICE WORK ALL OVER IT.

99. AND WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS?

100. IF I'M COLD AND I'M SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS,

101. I KNOW I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

102. AND, YOU KNOW, I CAN GO A MONTH WITHOUT FOOD,

103. BUT I CAN'T IF I'M COLD.

104. LADY, IF YOU WENT A MONTH WITHOUT FOOD,

105. YOU'D WANT TO BE DEAD.

106. JUST WIGGLE IN SLOWLY.

107. FINALLY THE HUT WAS COMPLETED.

108. RICHARD VOLUNTEERED TO TRY IT OUT.

109. HOW'S IT FEELIN'?

110. IT'S LIKE A COFFIN.

111. OHHH...

112. IT'S A LITTLE WET, AND, UH...

113. IT'S, UH, DARK.

114. I'M FEELING VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

115. THEN IT WAS OFF TO THE NEXT CHALLENGE.

116. AND RICHARD, WELL, HE EARNED THE MERIT BADGE FOR SUCKER.

117. MMM. YOU KNOW...

118. WHEN YOU HEAR PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD,

119. THEY ALWAYS PREDICT THAT 60 TO 90% OF THE POPULATION

120. WILL BE KILLED.

121. IT'S ODD THEY'RE ALWAYS WORKIN'

122. ON WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO

123. WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD.

124. TELLER AND I HAVE ALWAYS PLAYED THE ODDS,

125. SO WE'RE BETTIN' WE'RE GONNA DIE.

126. YOU SHOULD SEE OUR CREDIT CARD BILLS.

127. THEY'RE HIGHER THAN OUR CHOLESTEROL.

128. GOOD THING WE DON'T PLAN ON PAYIN' 'EM.

129. I'M SURE THAT WE'RE— CUT, CUT.

130. THE MIC WAS IN THE SHOT. WE GOTTA GO AGAIN.

131. FUCK YOU. IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

132. IF YOU LIVE, FIX IT IN POST.

133. I THINK YOU COULD DO... UH, A FULL BODY-OIL MASSAGE AT THIS POINT.

134. AS WITH MOST BULLSHIT IN THE WORLD,

135. THERE'S MONEY TO BE MADE IN THIS END-OF-THE-WORLD GARBAGE.

136. THE BIGGEST CASH COW IS THE LEFT BEHIND BOOK SERIES,

137. THIS HACK WRITING HAS SOLD OVER 50 MILLION BOOKS WORLDWIDE.

138. AND THERE'S NO END IN SIGHT.

139. I'D LIKE TO SAY I'M NOT SURPRISED

140. BY THE—THE SUCCESS OF THE SERIES, BUT I'D— I'D BE LYING.

141. I'M JERRY JENKINS, CO-AUTHOR OF THE LEFT BEHIND SERIES.

142. IT'S THE MOST PHENOMENAL SALES EVENT I'VE EVER SEEN

143. IN—IN MY LIFETIME OF PUBLISHING.

144. IN MY MIND, IN A WAY, WE'RE—WE'RE SALESPEOPLE FOR THE GOSPEL.

145. PEOPLE SAY THE L— THAT MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL,

146. AND ACTUALLY, IT'S THE LOVE OF MONEY

147. THAT'S THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.

148. UM, SO THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MONEY IF YOU USE IT RIGHT.

149. WHAT'S THE STORY ON MONEY IF YOU GET IT

150. BY CREATING AN IRRATIONAL FEAR IN PEOPLE?

151. I KNOW—IT'S JUST CHRISTIANS TRICKIN' OTHER CHRISTIANS

152. AND EMPTYIN' THEIR WALLETS. BUT SOMEHOW IT STILL DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

153. SPEAKIN' OF GULLIBLE, SINCE 9/11, THE WRITINGS

154. OF 15th CENTURY SCIENTIST NOSTRADAMUS ARE BACK IN VOGUE.

155. MICHEL DE NOSTRADAMUS WROTE DOWN HIS VISIONS OF THE FUTURE

156. IN A SERIES OF QUATRAINS THAT SOME NUTS CLAIM

157. PREDICTED THE STOCK MARKET CRASH OF 1929,

158. THE ASSASSINATION OF THE KENNEDY BROTHERS,

159. AND THE FALL OF THE SOVIET UNION.

160. WHAT IS CONTINUOUSLY FASCINATING ABOUT NOSTRADAMUS' PROPHECIES

161. OVER THESE LAST 41/2 CENTURIES

162. IS THAT THERE ARE ENOUGH OF HIS OVER 1,000 PREDICTIONS

163. THAT NAME NAMES, DATES, DESCRIBE INTIMATE DETAILS

164. THAT COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED

165. BY SOMEBODY WHO HAD FORESEEN THEM.

166. JOHN HOGUE, ROGUE SCHOLAR.

167. GET IT?

168. HOGUE... ROGUE. IT RHYMES.

169. AND SCHOLAR? WELL, NOT A CHANCE.

170. THIS DOOFUS HOGUE HAS WRITTEN MORE BOOKS AND MADE MORE MONEY

171. OFF NOSTRADAMUS

172. THAN... NOSTRADAMUS.

173. HE'S A MASTER OF EXPLOITING THE GIBBERISH

174. OF A NUTTY GUY WHO DIED 500 YEARS AGO.

175. THIS IS AN ANCIENT LATIN QUATRAIN

176. THAT REALLY PREDICTS SO MUCH THAT WAS TO HAPPEN.

177. "THE WHEELS OF THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND...

178. ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND."

179. NOW, THE WHEELS ARE THE SOLDIERS IN NAPOLEON'S ARMY,

180. OR BUS, 1812,

181. MARCHING ALL AROUND EUROPE, ENCIRCLING PRUSSIA,

182. INVADING RUSSIA, AND ALL THROUGH THE TOWN OF MOSCOW

183. THE MONEY ON THE BUS GOES CLINK, CLINK, CLINK

184. HERE, MONEY, OF COURSE, REPRESENTS GOLD TRANSPORTED ON THE... BUS...

185. MANCHESTER-LIVERPOOL RAILWAY,

186. CLINK, CLINK, CLINKING INTO THE SAFE FOR TRANSPORT.

187. THE NEXT CLINK, CLINK, CLINK

188. IS CLEARLY THE KEY STOLEN BY EDWARD PIERCE, 1855,

189. WHEN HE MASTERMINDED THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY.

190. AND LISTEN TO THIS— "CLINK, CLINK, CLINK!"

191. THE SOUND OF THE CELL DOORS CLOSING

192. ON PIERCE AND HIS 2 ACCOMPLICES, PREDICTED RIGHT HERE.

193. THE RECOVERED MONEY OF COURSE— CLINK, CLINK, CLINK,

194. BACK INTO THE BANK— A STORY TOLD

195. ALL THROUGH THE TOWN OF LONDON, ENGLAND

196. RIGHT THERE, CLEAR.

197. THE DRIVER ON THE BUS SAYS MOVE ON BACK

198. MOVE ON BACK AHA!

199. DECEMBER, 1955. JAMES L. BLAKE, THE DRIVER ON THIS BUS,

200. TOLD ROSA PARKS TO MOVE ON BACK, REPEATING THE COMMAND—

201. "MOVE ON BACK, MOVE ON BACK, MOVE ON BACK,"

202. TO EACH OF 3 OTHER BLACK PASSENGERS IN A ROW,

203. ALL THROUGH THE TOWN OF MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA

204. THE MOMMY ON THE BUS SAYS SHH, SHH, SHH

205. SHH, SHH, SHH

206. HERE THE MOMMY IS RICHARD NIXON,

207. SHUSHING HIS STAFF AS WATERGATE THREATENS HIS PRESIDENCY,

208. SHUSHING HIMSELF BEFORE THE SECRET OVAL OFFICE TAPE RECORDERS,

209. PAYING OUT SHUSH MONEY.

210. AND THE SECOND MOMMY, RIGHT HERE AT THE BOTTOM—

211. ROSEMARY WOODS, SHUSHING 171/2 MINUTES OF TAPED CONVERSA—

212. AAAHHH! AAAHHH! OHH! OHH!

213. OHHH!

214. ALL AROUND THE TOWN!

215. JOHN HOGUE AND OTHERS BELIEVE THE ANTI-CHRIST WILL APPEAR

216. JUST PRIOR TO ARMAGEDDON

217. AND THAT HIS ARRIVAL WILL BE MARKED BY A CATACLYSMIC EVENT

218. IN WHAT NOSTRADAMUS CALLED "THE NEW CITY."

219. HOGUE SAYS THAT NOSTRADAMUS WAS REFERRING TO... YEAH, YOU GUESSED IT—

220. THE ATTACKS OF 9/11.

221. QUATRAIN 97 OF CENTURY VOLUME 6 READS,

222. "AT 45 DEGREES LATITUDE, THE SKY WILL BURN.

223. FIRE APPROACHES THE GREAT NEW CITY."

224. AT LATITUDE 45 DEGREES,

225. THE ONLY NEW CITY SINCE NOSTRADAMUS' TIME

226. THAT YOU COULD CALL GREAT AND NEW AND VAST

227. IS THE CITY THAT RESTS BETWEEN 40 DEGREES AND 41 DEGREES LATITUDE,

228. WHICH IS MANHATTAN AND NEW YORK.

229. NOW... THAT'S A LITTLE OFF.

230. AND HE'S WAY UP IN CANADA SOMEPLACE.

231. I'M JAMES RANDI, AND I'M THE PRESIDENT

232. OF THE JAMES RANDI EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION.

233. WHEN HE SAID "THE NEW CITY,"

234. HE WAS REFERRING TO NAPLES.

235. HE REFERS TO IT SEVERAL TIMES IN HIS WRITINGS,

236. AND HE MAKES IT CLEAR THAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT NAPLES,

237. NOT NEW YORK CITY.

238. BUT WE'LL PLAY ALONG.

239. THIS ANTI-CHRIST— WHAT DO WE CALL HIM?

240. THIS ONE IS CALLED MABUS.

241. M-A-B-U-S.

242. THERE ARE A COUPLE WAYS TO DECODE THAT WORD.

243. M-A-B-U-S, UH, REVERSED, WHICH IS A COMMON PRACTICE

244. IN THE 16th CENTURY, BECOMES SUBAM.

245. IF YOU CAN THEN... ALWAYS REPLACE ONE LETTER WITH ANOTHER...

246. WHO SAYS YOU CAN DO THAT?

247. THE "U," THE "A"-- SADAM.

248. AS IN SADDAM HUSSEIN. BUT WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MOVING LETTERS AROUND?

249. THE RULE ABOUT DROPPING A LETTER OUT OR ADDING A LETTER

250. IS SOMETHING INVENTED BY THE NOSTRADAMIANS.

251. BECAUSE IF YOU ADD OR SUBTRACT A LETTER,

252. OR ADD AND SUBTRACT A LETTER TO ANY WORD,

253. YOU CAN MAKE IT INTO ALMOST ANYTHING YOU WANT

254. IF YOU MOVE IT AROUND ENOUGH.

255. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS WACK-JOB IS DOIN'.

256. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF BULLSHIT.

257. IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE THAT MABUS IS NOT ONLY

258. A MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE,

259. BUT COULD BE OUR OWN PRESIDENT.

260. M-A-B-U-S... MABUS.

261. UH, YOU CAN RET— REVERSE THE "M" INTO "W."

262. YOU HAVE B-U-S WITH THE SILENT LATIN "H."

263. MABUSH... OR W. BUSH.

264. THERE'S NO SILENT "H" IN LATIN, ASSHOLE.

265. JESUS CHRIST. WE'RE STILL, UH, WORKIN' ON THIS ANAGRAM.

266. HEY, RANDI, PUT THIS NIMROD JOHN HOGUE IN HIS PLACE, WOULD YOU?

267. COULD BE... CA-FOOKA.

268. I'VE READ JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT JOHN HOGUE HAS WRITTEN,

269. NOSTRADAMUS AND THE MILLENNIUM.

270. VERY ATTRACTIVE BOOK.

271. WE HAVE ON PAGE, UM... 124...

272. HE NAMES THE ANTI-CHRIST.

273. AND, UH, THE ANTI-CHRIST HE NAMES AS KHOMEINI.

274. THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.

275. SHORTLY AFTER THAT, THE AYATOLLAH DIED,

276. SO HE DIDN'T FULFILL HIS, UH, DUTY TO BE THE ANTI-CHRIST.

277. AH, BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP JOHN HOGUE.

278. HE DOESN'T PAUSE FOR A SECOND. HE WRITES A SECOND EDITION.

279. LOOKS THE SAME. OH, JUST ABOUT THE SAME,

280. BECAUSE WHEN WE LOOK IN HERE, OH!

281. GEE, THE AYATOLLAH ISN'T IN HERE ANYMORE.

282. UH, WHO HAS SUDDENLY BECOME THE ANTI-CHRIST?

283. SADDAM HUSSEIN.

284. YOU CAN'T REWRITE YOUR BOOKS

285. AFTER THE PREDICTIONS DON'T HAPPEN.

286. BUT JOHN HOGUE APPARENTLY THINKS THAT'S KOSHER.

287. APPARENTLY, HE THINKS YOU CAN DO THAT.

288. I DON'T THINK SO.

289. NOSTRADAMUS WAS NOTHING MORE

290. THAN A BAD POET WITH A PARANOID STREAK.

291. LET'S GO BACK TO THE SURVIVALIST SCHOOL,

292. WHERE IT'S TIME TO TEACH THE CLASS HOW TO MAKE FIRE.

293. YEP, THIS TECHNIQUE WORKS LIKE A CHARM.

294. WHICH IS TO SAY NOT AT ALL.

295. BUT THE GUY SEEMED REALLY INTERESTED.

296. MY NAME IS ERICH. IT'S E-R-I-C-H.

297. WHAT'S HIS LAST NAME, DAHMER?

298. SMITH.

299. SO HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE?

300. UM... OFF AND ON ACTUALLY FOR, UH...

301. ABOUT... 8 YEARS.

302. 8 YEARS?

303. DON'T YOU THINK IF YOU WORKED AT THE CRAPPIEST JOB

304. FOR 8 YEARS, YOU COULD SAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET A GUN

305. AND MAYBE SOME MATCHES OR A BIC LIGHTER?

306. MAYBE A SLEEPING BAG? MAYBE A TENT?

307. WELL, WE GUESS IT DOESN'T HAVE THE CHARM

308. OF THAT SLIMY PILE OF LEAVES.

309. MEANWHILE, OUR 2 BROOKLYN GUYS

310. WERE HAVING THEIR OWN TROUBLES.

311. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

312. ALL THIS MAY SEEM RIDICULOUS TO YOU, DEAR VIEWER,

313. BUT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE EAT THIS ARMAGEDDON SHIT UP.

314. LIKE ERICH. AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF FEAR MONGERS LIKE THIS GUY.

315. I WOULD SAY WE'RE IN THE LAST HOURS OF THE LAST DAYS.

316. HI. I'M HAL LINDSEY, AUTHOR OF THE LATE GREAT PLANET EARTH

317. AND MY LATEST BOOK, THE EVERLASTING HATRED, THE ROOTS OF JIHAD.

318. I BELIEVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE EVENT OF ALL TIME

319. THAT'S PREDICTED IN THE BIBLE IS VERY CLOSE TO HAPPENING.

320. GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THIS SPECIAL EDITION

321. OF INTERNATIONAL INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING.

322. HAL LINDSEY IS THE GRANDFATHER

323. OF THE RELIGIOUS END-OF-THE-WORLD MANIA.

324. THE LATE GREAT PLANET EARTH...

325. IT'S—IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO GET AN EXACT FIGURE

326. OF HOW MANY BOOKS ARE OUT THERE,

327. BUT IT'S CERTAINLY IN THE RANGE OF 35 MILLION.

328. AS LEAST.

329. ALL THE NATIONS THAT SURROUND

330. THE REBORN STATE OF ISRAEL

331. ARE NAMED IN PROPHECIES ABOUT THE LAST DAYS.

332. HE ARGUES THAT THE PROPHECIES

333. OF THE BOOK OF REVELATION ARE ON THE VERGE OF BEING FULFILLED.

334. FIRST AND FOREMOST, THE KEY OF IT ALL

335. IS THAT ISRAEL WOULD MIRACULOUSLY RETURN

336. FROM BEING SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE WORLD

337. AND BECOME A NATION AGAIN.

338. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENIN'.

339. WHAT HE'S NOT TELLIN' YOU IS THAT BACK IN 1970,

340. WHEN HIS BOOK HIT THE BESTSELLERS LIST,

341. HE PREDICTED THE END WOULD COME 40 YEARS

342. AFTER ISRAEL BECAME A NATION IN 1948.

343. THAT WOULD BE 1988.

344. WRONG!

345. HERE'S ANOTHER WHOPPER.

346. JESUS TALKED ABOUT, UH, THE MANY BIRTH PANGS

347. THAT WOULD BEGIN TO COME JUST BEFORE HIS RETURN.

348. HE SAID THAT THERE WOULD BE A GREAT INCREASE IN EARTHQUAKES.

349. WE CAN STATISTICALLY SHOW THAT.

350. THAT'S BULLSHIT, TOO!

351. THE ONLY INCREASE IS IN THE POPULATIONS LIVING IN EARTHQUAKE AREAS

352. AND IN OUR ABILITY TO ACCURATELY MEASURE THE EARTHQUAKES.

353. SO, HAL... WHAT'S THE STORY?

354. I'VE TRIED TO STICK TO THE BROAD THEMES OF PROPHECY...

355. AND, UH... TO NOT GET OUT TO SPECULATE.

356. I'VE—I HAVE SPECULATED A FEW TIMES, AND I'M SORRY I DID.

357. OH, WE BET!

358. IT SURE DOESN'T HELP YOUR CREDIBILITY

359. WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT MAKIN' SHIT UP.

360. BETTER TO BE VAGUE. AND THEN THERE'S THIS ASSHOLE.

361. TEXE MARRS, CHRISTIAN RESEARCHER AND AUTHOR.

362. HEY, TEXE, CLUTCH THAT BIBLE A LITTLE TIGHTER!

363. THERE WILL, AT THE VERY END,

364. BE A GREAT CLIMACTIC BATTLE BETWEEN THE FORCES OF GOOD AND EVIL.

365. IT'LL BE LIKE STREAMS OF BLOOD,

366. SO MANY PEOPLE WILL DIE THERE.

367. THERE'S NO DOUBT THAT A MAJORITY OF THE EARTH'S INHABITANTS

368. WILL LOSE THEIR LIVES.

369. ACCORDING TO MARRS' READING OF THE BIBLE,

370. JUST PRIOR TO ARMAGEDDON, A WORLDWIDE GOVERNMENT WILL ARISE,

371. AND PERSONAL FREEDOM WILL BE SEVERELY RESTRICTED.

372. THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT THE—THE BIG BROTHERISM.

373. YOU KNOW, GEORGE ORWELL'S 1984 CERTAINLY PARALLELS

374. WITH MUCH OF WHAT THE BIBLE HAS TO SAY

375. ABOUT PEOPLE'S FREEDOMS AND LIBERTIES BEING TAKEN AWAY.

376. AND WHO'S GONNA LEAD THIS BIG MARCH TO BROTHERISM?

377. HILLARY CLINTON WAS ASKED WHAT WAS HER FAVORITE BOOK.

378. SHE SAID GEORGE ORWELL'S 1984.

379. SHE IS A WITCH.

380. YOU SAY, "WELL, DO— DO YOU MEAN THAT AS A NEGATIVE TERM?"

381. NO, I MEAN THAT— THAT SHE LITERALLY DOES PRACTICE WITCHCRAFT.

382. OH, THIS'LL BE FUN. COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES

383. THIS ASSHOLE SAYS "LESBIAN." HA HA!

384. HE'S GOT SOME CARDS HE AIN'T SHOWIN'.

385. AS A CHRISTIAN, IT OFFENDED ME

386. THAT MOST OF THE WOMEN THAT SHE BROUGHT AROUND HER WERE LESBIANS.

387. YOU KNOW, THE—THE—

388. THE GAY COMMUNITY HELD A TREMENDOUS RALLY.

389. AND ONE OF THE GAY LEADERS GOT UP AND SAID, "ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

390. WE NOW HAVE A LESBIAN FIRST LADY IN THE WHITE HOUSE."

391. AND ANOTHER LESBIAN GOT UP AND SAID,

392. "WE FINALLY HAVE A FIRST LADY THAT I CAN...

393. F-U-C-K."

394. BUT MUCH TO HIS REGRET,

395. TEXE HAS BEEN FORCED TO CROSS OFF HILLARY'S NAME

396. ON THE LIST OF POTENTIAL ANTI-RISTS.

397. 'CAUSE IT SAYS THE ANTI-CHRIST

398. WILL BE A MAN IN REVELATION 13.

399. AND HIS NUMBER IS 666.

400. SO WE HAVE A BEAST. WE DON'T HAVE A BEASTESS.

401. DAMN! BUT IS THE BOOK OF REVELATION

402. REALLY MEANT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY?

403. IF NOT, THERE'S STILL SOME HOPE THAT HILLARY IS THE ANTI-CHRIST!

404. FOR THE BOOK OF REVELATION, MORE THAN MOST,

405. BECAUSE IT IS WRITTEN IN SUCH FANTASTICAL APOCALYPTIC LITERATURE,

406. CANNOT BE TAKEN LITERALLY.

407. FATHER DAVE HENEY, PASTOR OF ST. PASCAL BAYLON PARISH

408. IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA.

409. EVERY CENTURY HAS HAD ITS NATIONS RISING AGAINST NATIONS,

410. EARTHQUAKES, DISEASES, FLOODS.

411. SO PICK YOUR CENTURY, PICK YOUR REGION OF THE WORLD.

412. THE BOOK OF REVELATION APPLIES JUST ABOUT... ALL OF THEM.

413. OH, I LOVE CRITICS. I LOVE CRITICS.

414. UH, OF—OF COURSE, UH, THEY WOULD SAY EVERYTHING IS ALLEGORY.

415. UH, EVERYTHING IS, UH, METAPHORS. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

416. IT'S ALWAYS, UH, SYMBOLIC.

417. BUT LISTEN, IT SAYS IN THE LAST DAYS, FOR EXAMPLE,

418. EVERY PERSON WILL RECEIVE A MARK.

419. GO TO THE BEACH TODAY. WATCH TELEVISION.

420. EVERYBODY HAS TATTOOS. IT'S TRENDY.

421. ALL YOU'RE GONNA DO IS PICK YOUR— WHEN YOU SEE

422. YOUR ANIMAL, YOU'LL HAVE IT ALWAYS TUCKED IN THE BACK OF YOUR BELT,

423. YOU SEE SOMETHIN',

424. YOU CAN QUICKLY PULL IT OUT AND THROW.

425. BACK AT SURVIVALIST SCHOOL,

426. IT WAS TIME TO LEARN THE FINE TECHNIQUES OF STICK THROWING.

427. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR GUY RICHARD THREW LIKE A WUSSY.

428. OH...

429. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

430. THE IDEA IS TO HIT THE GREEN CAN.

431. CHECK OUT THE FINE FORM ON ERICH.

432. OOPS.

433. AND HE'S BEEN AT THIS FOR 8 YEARS?

434. BUT ERICH HAD OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND,

435. LIKE THIS SCARY OUTFIT THAT HE BROUGHT FROM HOME.

436. GOT SOME CAMOUFLAGE CLOTHING HERE.

437. SO THESE ARE THE, UH... WOOL... CLOTHING.

438. IN—IN CASE I HAD—

439. I DID HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF,

440. BEING UNDETECTED IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS.

441. I JUST USE THE BELT TO CARRY MY KNIFE.

442. IF SOMETHING WERE TO COME UP NOW, I FEEL CONFIDENT

443. THAT I COULD WALK INTO THE WILDERNESS

444. AND, UH, FEND FOR MYSELF OR PERHAPS

445. MYSELF AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE.

446. WE'RE GOIN' WITH ERICH.

447. YOU FOLKS FIND YOUR OWN NUT.

448. IF... THE 9/11 THING AND THE TERRORISTS

449. WERE EN MASSE AROUND THE COUNTRY,

450. UH... THEY WOULDN'T FIND ME.

451. YEAH, ERICH, 'CAUSE YOUR NAME

452. IS HIGH ON THE TERRORIST HIT LIST.

453. WE DON'T UNDERSTAND GUYS LIKE ERICH.

454. IF THE EARTH IS SCORCHED BY NUKES,

455. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

456. IF YOU KNOW HOW TO THROW A STICK?

457. WHAT DISASTER MAKES IT SO THAT GUNS AND MATCHES DON'T WORK?

458. IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE,

459. BUY A CASE OF AMMO AND SOME WATERPROOF MATCHES.

460. SAVE SOME TIME.

461. JUST IN CASE YOU THINK THE UNITED STATES HAS A MONOPOLY ON NUTS,

462. CHECK OUT THIS CANADIAN. HE'S BUILT AN UNDERGROUND REFUGE.

463. IT'S NOT A BOMB SHELTER. NO. IT'S THE ULTIMATE BOMB SHELTER.

464. YOU OK? MEET THE SOLE SURVIVOR

465. OF THE HUMAN RACE.

466. BRUCE BEACH, RADIOLOGICAL SCIENTIFIC OFFICER, ARK II.

467. BRUCE CALLS HIS UNDERGROUND EMPIRE ARK II.

468. THE REASON YOU CAN'T SEE IT IS BECAUSE THE LOCAL FIRE DEPARTMENT

469. HAS SEALED IT SHUT.

470. IRONICALLY, THEY SAY IT'S A SAFETY HAZARD.

471. BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP BRUCE

472. FROM GIVING US A FIRST-CLASS TOUR.

473. KINDA.

474. THIS IS PART OF THE NEW WORLD.

475. THIS IS THE MAIN PARKING LOT HERE.

476. WHEN ONE WENT IN THE ENTRANCE, WHAT YOU WOULD FIND

477. WOULD BE A CONVEYER GOING DOWN ONE LEVEL.

478. WE HAVE BIG FUEL STORAGE TANKS.

479. THEN THERE'S THESE LITTLE AIR EXHAUSTS

480. THAT WE HAVE ALL AROUND, ALL OVER THE PLACE.

481. AND WE KEEP A LITTLE BIT OF A BICYCLE SUPPLY RIGHT HERE.

482. WE SEE THAT HUMP THERE. WELL, THAT'S OVER THE TOP

483. OF WHERE THE, UH, GENERATORS ARE.

484. FALLOUT FALLS OUT,

485. AND SO THE FALLOUT FALLS OUT ON THE GROUND,

486. AND THE AIR THEN GOES UP.

487. IF I WENT DOWN THAT SHAFT,

488. WHY, THEN I KNOW RIGHT HERE I'M STANDING

489. WITH THE NURSERY FOR 90 LITTLE CHILDREN.

490. WE HAVE SURVEILLANCE SYSTEMS.

491. THERE'S A LIBRARY, AND THEN THERE'S THE MEN'S WASHROOMS AND ALL.

492. IT'S GONNA BE ONE WORLD, A WORLD OF PEACE.

493. AND THE WOMEN'S WASHROOMS.

494. SO, THIS IS THE REAR ENTRANCE.

495. AND, UH, THIS IS WHERE THE VENTS COME UP

496. FROM THE, UH, WASHROOMS.

497. WELL, WE'VE GOT THESE 8 MONITORS.

498. ACTUALLY, 8 SMALL MONITORS AND 2 BIG MONITORS,

499. AND YOU CAN SWITCH FROM THE SMALL MONITORS TO THE BIG MONITORS.

500. THIS IS A... RESIDENTIAL AREA.

501. ONE OF THE THINGS WE'RE GOING TO DO IN THE FUTURE

502. IS BUILD THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE INSTITUTE.

503. THIS IS FAR BEYOND ANYTHING THAT EXISTS

504. ANYWHERE ELSE THAT I'M AWARE OF.

505. IT IS A FORTRESS.

506. THERE'S NO, UH... QUESTION ABOUT THAT.

507. THIS IS THE LARGEST PRIVATE SHELTER IN THE WORLD.

508. WOW! SOUNDS AMAZING!

509. IT'S BEEN BUILT OUT OF 42 SCHOOL BUSES.

510. MAYBE NOT.

511. THEY'RE BURIED BENEATH THE SURFACE HERE.

512. AND... THEY... THEY'RE COVERED WITH CONCRETE.

513. YEAH, BRUCE'S MASTER PLAN LINKED 42 SCHOOL BUSES TOGETHER

514. INTO THIS UNDERGROUND LABYRINTH OF TERROR!

515. WE COULDN'T STAND RIDING ONE OF THESE TO SCHOOL,

516. LET ALONE THE YEARS IT WOULD TAKE TO GET THROUGH A NUCLEAR WINTER.

517. HEY, IF YOU GUYS THAT MAKE THE HALLOWEEN MOVIES

518. ARE LOOKIN' FOR A LOCATION TO SHOOT THE NEXT FILM,

519. GIVE US A CALL.

520. SO WHEN DOES BRUCE BELIEVE

521. THE BOMBS WILL START DROPPIN'?

522. THE DATE THAT AT LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FEELING

523. RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT IS ABOUT AROUND THE 8th OF DECEMBER.

524. RELAX! HE'S TALKIN' ABOUT 2002.

525. YOU CAN START BREATHING AGAIN.

526. WHO'S GONNA BE IN CHARGE

527. WHEN, UH, THIS PLACE IS... POPULATED?

528. WELL, IT—IT'S NOT LIKE A DEMOCRACY

529. OR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE.

530. IT—IT'S LIKE AN AIRPLANE OR A SUBMARINE.

531. AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE PERSON—THE COMMANDER.

532. I'VE BEEN TRAINED BY THE GOVERNMENT.

533. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT THE COMMANDER SAYS.

534. AND—AND WE HAVE A BRIDGE DOWN THERE.

535. YOU HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION TO ENTER THE BRIDGE.

536. WE CAN'T, YOU KNOW, NOBODY—THIS IS IT.

537. PEOPLE HAVE NO COMPREHENSION OF WHAT RADIATION IS

538. OR HOW RADIATION OPERATES.

539. YOU CAN'T HAVE THESE PEOPLE RUNNING... THE SHOW.

540. THEY—THEY'RE VERY AUTHORITATIVE

541. AND THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT THIS AND THAT.

542. BUT THEY DON'T KNOW FROM ANYTHING.

543. AND SUDDENLY... THEY— THEY SAY THIS IS NOT NECESSARY AT ALL.

544. THEN IT HAPPENS, AND THEN THEY'RE ALL GOIN' TO BECOME SO SMART

545. THEY KNOW HOW TO RUN IT? I DON'T THINK SO.

546. HA HA HA HA HA!

547. SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS USE ALL-NATURAL CAMOUFLAGE.

548. SPEAKIN' OF PARANOIA, OUR DAY AT SURVIVALIST SCHOOL

549. WAS DRAWING TO A CLOSE.

550. IF OUR 2 CITY SLICKERS WANTED THE FULL EXPERIENCE,

551. THEY'D HAVE TO LEARN THIS.

552. AND CHARCOAL THOSE 2 THINGS. AND BEHIND THE EARS.

553. THOSE ARE THE PLACES THAT PEOPLE MISS A LOT.

554. SO, NEXT WE'RE STARTIN' TO ADD SOME MUD.

555. HERE'S SOME— THE TEXTURE OF PINE NEEDLES.

556. SO WE'RE REALLY WORKING AT DULLING DOWN HIS SHINE.

557. GRAB WHAT'S LAYING AROUND ON THE GROUND.

558. SO YOUR DUST, YOUR LEAVES... PICK A TREE...

559. AND JUST KINDA... EVEN ERICH

560. WASN'T GOIN' THAT FAR.

561. OUR BROOKLYN BOYS WEREN'T BUYIN' IT, EITHER.

562. HOW WOULD ANY OF THIS HELP THEM SURVIVE THE END OF THE WORLD?

563. IF WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT SURVIVAL IN THE WOODS,

564. THAT'S ONE THING. IF WE'RE TALKIN'

565. ABOUT SURVIVAL AFTER ARMAGEDDON,

566. I THINK THAT'S 2 DIFFERENT THINGS COMPLETELY.

567. YUP, IF THIS IS WHAT SURVIVING THE END OF THE WORLD LOOKS LIKE,

568. WE'D RATHER DIE.

569. IF THE BIBLE IS CORRECT

570. AND THERE IS AN ANTI-CHRIST COMING,

571. IT'D BE BLASPHEMY TO EVEN FIGHT.

572. THE BIBLE PREDICTS THIS EVENT, AND TO TRY TO STOP IT

573. WOULD BE TO DEFY THE WORD OF GOD.

574. ANYWAY, I GOTTA SAY, IF I BELIEVED THERE WERE AN ANTI-CHRIST,

575. I'D DO MY DARNEDEST TO FIND OUT WHO IT WAS,

576. AND I'D TRY TO BE HIS PARTNER.

577. NO SENSE IN FIGHTING THE WORD OF GOD.

578. GOD!

579. OH, WELL.

580. IT'S... PARANOIA.

581. YEAH, THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.

582. IT'S PARANOIA.

583. DO YOU THINK THIS TAPE WILL EVER AIR?

584. I DON'T GIVE THAT A VERY HIGH PROBABILITY.

585. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—