Penn & Teller: Bull! 1x2

1. HE'S HAD BOUTS OF LOW ENERGY, LOW ENDORPHINS,

2. DELUSIONS, HALLUCINATIONS, DEPRESSION,

3. CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME,

4. LYME'S DISEASE, CATARACTS, GLAUCOMA, SCIATICA,

5. A FEW RETINAL DISORDERS, CANCER, ACID INDIGESTION,

6. AUTISM, BRAIN DAMAGE, MACULAR DEGENERATION,

7. ECZEMA, AND MOST HEARTBREAKING OF ALL,

8. BED-WETTING.

9. WE'RE GOING TO SEE

10. TO A DOCTOR.

11. LET'S TRY SOME BULLSHIT.

12. IN DAYS OF OLD,

13. WAS ALTERNATIVE.

14. AND INVENTIONS, FROM MIRACLE ELIXIRS TO STRANGE HEALING DEVICES.

15. CRAZY PANACEAS AND PLACEBOS,

16. ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.

17. WERE BEHIND US, THINK AGAIN.

18. OUTRAGEOUS BULLSHIT WILL HELP HEAL THEM.

19. I'M PENN, THIS IS MY PARTNER TELLER,

20. AND THIS IS BULLSHIT.

21. THAT'S THE NAME OF THE SHOW AND, COINCIDENTALLY,

22. WHAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT.

23. WE'RE LOOKING FOR BULLSHIT, AND IN ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE,

24. IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF WHERE DO WE START?

25. HOW ABOUT REFLEXOLOGY?

26. THROUGH REFLEXOLOGY, YOU CAN GET SOMEONE TO RELAX.

27. CAN THEN RESPOND TO THE CRISIS,

28. AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DIE.

29. AND MAGNET THERAPY.

30. THE HEAD LIKE THIS.

31. DELUSIONS, HALLUCINATIONS, DEPRESSION,

32. THEY'LL ALL DISAPPEAR IN A FEW MINUTES.

33. IT MAY SEEM MAINSTREAM,

34. CHIROPRACTIC MEDICINE.

35. THE BODY CREATES ILLNESS,

36. KNOWN TO MAN.

37. BUT ARE THESE 3 FORMS OF ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE LEGIT OR NOT?

38. BEEN AROUND FOR A LONG TIME,

39. AND WILL, PRESUMABLY, CONTINUE TO DELUDE PEOPLE.

40. SO, LET'S BEGIN WITH REFLEXOLOGY,

41. THE BIG MONEY WORLD OF ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE.

42. BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS IT?

43. AND ORGAN IN THE BODY,

44. ON THE VARIOUS POINTS OF THE FOOT,

45. CAN BE ALLEVIATED.

46. REALLY.

47. IN FACT, TELLER BELIEVES IN AUTOMOTIVE REFLEXOLOGY.

48. HE'S CHANGING MY SPARK PLUGS.

49. I'M DR. ZACHARY BRINKERHOFF. I'M A REFLEXOLOGIST.

50. BUT NOT ANY ORDINARY REFLEXOLOGIST.

51. NO, DR. BRINKERHOFF IS A RAMBLIN', GAMBLIN' REFLEXOLOGIST

52. PLYING HIS TRADE FROM TOWN TO TOWN,

53. AND SEEKING ADVENTURE.

54. IT'S GOOD TO BE ON THE ROAD AGAIN!

55. FIRST STOP, TAKING MONEY FROM THIS PATIENT WITH A BAD BACK.

56. DOES THE DOCTOR OFFER?

57. AS REAL AS THAT SKY.

58. NOW, THIS IS A LITTLE MACHINE THAT DOES PERCUSSION.

59. ACTION THERE?

60. MM-HMM.

61. OK, NOW, WE'RE GONNA TURN IT UP TO HIGH.

62. THIS'LL GO UP TO 4,400 IMPACTS A MINUTE.

63. FOR $55 AN HOUR, HE'S GOING TO JACKHAMMER HER FOOT?

64. RIGHT THERE? THAT'S DEFINITELY THE SPOT?

65. OK, WELL, THAT'S WHERE WE WANT TO WORK.

66. SO, THINK OF

67. IN A RELAXED STATE.

68. FOR EXAMPLE, STRESS CAN REALLY LOWER YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM.

69. THAT'S GOT A METHOD

70. THE BODY'S IMMUNITY.

71. I'M DR. STEPHEN BARRETT. I'M A CONSUMER ADVOCATE.

72. THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME KIND OF A HYPOTHETICAL BUILD-UP OF STRESS,

73. WHICH, AGAIN, CAN'T BE MEASURED,

74. IN THEIR IMAGINATION.

75. IT'S WAY MORE THAN JUST A FOOT MASSAGE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.

76. IT'S SOMETHING

77. OF THE BODY'S SELF-HEALING PROCESSES.

78. DOESN'T THAT FEEL GOOD?

79. NO, IT HURTS.

80. Dr.

81. NOTHING IN THE BODY.

82. AND WHAT GOES TO WHAT.

83. BLOOD VESSELS ALL OVER.

84. NERVES ALL OVER.

85. NO REFLEXOLOGY PATHWAYS ALL OVER.

86. CONTRACT A MUSCLE,

87. OF ANY DISEASE.

88. THAT IF YOU WENT TO 10 REFLEXOLOGISTS,

89. YOU'D GET 10 DIFFERENT SETS OF IDEAS.

90. THAT VERY SEXY FOOT BANGING,

91. HOW DOES THE PATIENT FEEL?

92. I FEEL GOOD. RIGHT NOW I DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN

93. NERVE AT ALL.

94. ARE KILLING HER.

95. YOU KNOW, THE POWER OF SUGGESTION IS WONDERFUL.

96. AND, UH, IT'S

97. PROCESS FOR PEOPLE.

98. I'M ROBERT PARK. I'M A PROFESSOR OF PHYSICS

99. OF MARYLAND.

100. DR. PARK IS THE AUTHOR OF VOODOO SCIENCE,

101. AND ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE.

102. THAT AFFLICT US,

103. WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING AT ALL,

104. WE'RE DOING AT THE TIME

105. GET THE CREDIT.

106. ISN'T CONTENT

107. WORKING ON PATIENTS,

108. ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

109. OUT THERE DOING THIS,

110. WITH REFLEXOLOGY.

111. WHILE DR. BRINKERHOFF

112. TO THE NEXT TOWN,

113. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE WORLD OF MAGNET THERAPY,

114. A YEAR BUSINESS,

115. TO ARTHRITIS.

116. THAT NEGATIVE FIELDS HAVE HEALING POWERS.

117. THAT MAGNETS CAN HELP BROKEN BONES HEAL FASTER,

118. RELIEVE PAIN, CAUSE IMPROVED BLOOD CIRCULATION,

119. ALTER NERVE IMPULSES, INCREASE OXYGEN,

120. OF BODILY FLUIDS.

121. MAGNETIC DEVICES FOR YOUR PETS.

122. THE RECORD CLEAR,

123. THEY DON'T WORK EITHER.

124. NOW THAT WE'VE HEARD THE CLAIMS,

125. LET'S MEET A REAL MAGNET THERAPY DOCTOR.

126. DR. WILLIAM PHILPOTT, M.D.

127. WHAT MAGNET THERAPY DOES, IT'S AN ENERGY FIELD,

128. THE ENZYMES.

129. SO, A PERSON SLEEPS WITH THESE MAGNETS ON AT NIGHT,

130. THE NEXT MORNING WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF ENERGY.

131. WELL, I HAVE MAGNETS HERE.

132. WE'RE USING THEM FOR MEDICAL PURPOSES.

133. NOW, LET'S EXPLAIN WHAT A MAGNET IS.

134. THROUGH AND AROUND THIS,

135. THE FIELD,

136. AND NOW IT'S WHAT WE CALL A MAGNETIC FIELD,

137. BUT IT MOVES ELECTRONS.

138. WELL, YOU CAN FIND A CLAIM FOR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

139. WHATEVER IS AILING YOU, THERE IS A MAGNETIC CURE FOR IT,

140. IS A GREAT DEAL OF SCIENCE BEHIND THIS,

141. WHEN, IN FACT, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SCIENCE AT ALL.

142. OK, SO WHAT DO THEY CLAIM THESE MAGNETS DO?

143. AND YOUR POSITIVE POLE.

144. AND THE NEGATIVE POLES.

145. AND PUT IT UP ON THE HEAD AND RUN AN E.E.G.,

146. IT'LL SHOW THIS ANTI-STRESS.

147. THAT'S THE FREQUENCY WILL BE ANTI-STRESS.

148. THE OTHER SIDE AROUND,

149. IT'S GOING TO SHOW THAT IT'S A STRESS.

150. E.E.G. DOESN'T MEASURE STRESS.

151. COMES TO ILLNESSES, IT'S THE STRESS.

152. HAS BECOME A PROBLEM.

153. WITH A NEGATIVE.

154. ARE YOU POSITIVE?

155. TO GET SICK.

156. AND WE'LL TAKE OUT THE TOXINS,

157. AND WE'LL RELIEVE THE ACCUMULATED STRESS.

158. WELL, THERE IS NO STRESS ACCUMULATED.

159. THEY CAN GET,

160. I SUPPOSE, THE SAFER THEY CAN BE.

161. TYPES OF MAGNETS,

162. DO YOU WEAR THEM?

163. A MAGNETA MAGNET.

164. YOU KNOW, YOU PULL THE STRING.

165. IS THESE MAGNETS ARE FLYING PAST EACH OTHER,

166. THE OPPOSITE POLES, AND THEY MAKE A SPARK.

167. HERE IS ONE. HERE IS ONE FOR THE SHOES.

168. I MEAN, THE INSOLES.

169. THAT YOU PUT ON THAT CUTS OUT THE LIGHT,

170. WE'LL TAKE THIS AND PUT—

171. FASTEN IT RIGHT TO THAT, RIGHT OVER THE EYE.

172. OVER THE HEART,

173. ANTI-STRESS THE HEART.

174. NOW, WE USE THIS ONE IN OUR SUPER-MAGNETIC BEDS.

175. WE HAVE 70 OF THESE PLACED AN INCH APART,

176. AND THAT'S 400 POUNDS OF MAGNETS.

177. 4 POUNDS APIECE.

178. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

179. 70 TIMES 4, THAT'S 280 POUNDS, ASSHOLE.

180. HE CAN'T DO MULTIPLICATION AND YOU'RE GOING TO TRUST HIM WITH YOUR HEALTH?

181. ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT DOES HE SAY THESE MAGNETS CAN CURE?

182. INFECTIONS, SYSTEMIC, AND FOR LYME'S DISEASE.

183. OR WE TREAT, SAY, MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS LIKE THAT.

184. LIKE CARPAL TUNNEL. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL FOR CARPAL TUNNEL.

185. CATARACTS, GLAUCOMA, RETINAL DISORDERS,

186. MACULAR DEGENERATION.

187. NO EFFECT ON THE HUMAN BODY.

188. WE'RE JUST NOT MADE OF MAGNETIC STUFF.

189. WITH ALL OF THESE CURES,

190. THAT THINGS ARE WORKING.

191. IT'S SORT OF MENTAL MASTURBATION.

192. PHYSICAL MASTURBATION,

193. ON THE BENEFITS OF MAGNET THERAPY.

194. MY NAME IS LAURA LARSON.

195. RIGHT ON,

196. JUST FEEL RIGHT WHERE THE PAIN IS,

197. SLEEP WITH IT...

198. VOILA, IT'S BETTER.

199. SHE HAS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

200. I'VE BEEN VERY,

201. WITH WHAT'S HAPPENED WHEN I USE MAGNETS.

202. I'M VERY SOLD ON THEM.

203. I PUT IT ON MY KNEE, AND IN ABOUT 2 OR 3 MONTHS,

204. IT WAS WITHOUT PAIN.

205. 2 OR 3 MONTHS?

206. I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS,

207. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT WORKS, BUT IT WORKS.

208. ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE,

209. THAT SCIENCE HAS LEARNED WE CANNOT RELY ON.

210. TOO MUCH?

211. AND MAKE YOURSELF WORSE.

212. RAISE ENDORPHINS.

213. A SENSE OF EXCITEMENT,

214. TO KEEP DOING IT REPEATEDLY, AND YOU'D BE AN ADDICT.

215. SO MAGNETS ARE A CHEAP, LEGAL HIGH?

216. WHY IS ANYONE USING CRACK?

217. THE LOCATION OF THE MAGNET.

218. IN THAT AREA MORE QUICKLY.

219. LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS.

220. OH, DEAR EVIL JESUS, IT DOES!

221. OOPS, JUST KIDDING, IT DOESN'T DO DICK.

222. WE ASK DR. PHILPOTT

223. THAT MAGNETS CURE ALL THESE DISEASES?

224. AT THIS STAGE, WE CAN'T OFFICIALLY,

225. WE CAN CURE ANYTHING.

226. AT THIS STAGE, WE CAN'T OFFICIALLY,

227. WE CAN CURE ANYTHING.

228. AT THIS STAGE...

229. HEY, BILL!

230. SO YOU CAN READ IT IN THE MIRROR!

231. YES, MEDICAL BULLSHITTERS PREY ON PEOPLE LOOKING FOR CURES,

232. WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE.

233. SO, JUST TO SEE HOW STRONG THE POWER OF SUGGESTION REALLY IS,

234. AT A POPULAR MALL.

235. OF OUTRAGEOUS FAKE MEDICAL EQUIPMENT,

236. VERY OWN FAKE DOCTOR,

237. TO A LOT OF WILLING BELIEVERS,

238. LIKE THIS LADY.

239. BIT ABOUT WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

240. OH, MY PROBLEM IS WITH MY RIGHT WRIST.

241. IT'S SOMETHING THAT KIND OF COMES AND GOES,

242. WHERE IT'S PAINFUL.

243. MAGNET THERAPY, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW,

244. THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

245. IN THE BLOOD,

246. SO IF YOU'D LIKE TO TRY IT...

247. SURE, ANYTHING THAT WOULD HELP RELIEVE THIS PAIN.

248. ALL RIGHT.

249. WITH A CHILD'S TOY MAGNET

250. TO SEE HOW THAT WOULD WORK.

251. OOH, I DO FEEL.

252. OH, IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING

253. THROUGH THERE,

254. RUSHING SENSATION.

255. WELL, THAT MAGNET REALLY SEEMED TO BE DOING THE TRICK.

256. EARLIER WE DEMAGNETIZED ALL THE MAGNETS,

257. AND THEY WEREN'T DOING DIDLEY.

258. SEEMED TO WORK SO WELL,

259. A BIGGER MAGNET DO?

260. OUT OF ALUMINUM RAIN GUTTER.

261. WOW.

262. SO, I'M GOING TO

263. AND START MOVING IT,

264. ANYTHING,

265. IF THAT'S STRONGER, OR...

266. OH, I FEEL IT. RIGHT IN HERE,

267. AND IT IS A LITTLE STRONGER.

268. SEEMED TO BE DOING THE TRICK.

269. BUT WE WEREN'T THROUGH YET.

270. SO, LET'S TRY OUR MAGNO-MITTS.

271. OK.

272. HAVE MAGNETS ON THE OUTSIDE,

273. AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY HAVE THEM SEWN ON THE INSIDE.

274. HELPS YOU.

275. EASIER TO DO THAT FOR YOU?

276. YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I ACTUALLY THINK I'M FEELING

277. WITH THIS MAGNET.

278. WELL, THE MAGNO-MITTS WERE REALLY WORKING.

279. BE EVEN MORE BENEFICIAL.

280. OUR VERY SPECIAL MAGNO-HAT.

281. HER VERDICT.

282. OF, UH, OH, MAYBE A LITTLE MORE ENERGY.

283. WELL, THE POWER OF SUGGESTION WAS WORKING ITS MAGIC,

284. HOW MUCH SHE'D PAY FOR A PAIR OF MAGNO-MITTS.

285. AH, MAGNO-MITTS LIKE THIS?

286. OH, MAYBE $30 FOR THE PAIR.

287. YOU KNOW, IF WE WORKED HER, SHE'S GO 50.

288. MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE ROAD,

289. OUR RAMBLIN', GAMBLIN' REFLEXOLOGIST

290. INTO THIS TRUCK STOP.

291. AND WHILE HE WAS THERE,

292. A LITTLE REFLEXOLOGY GOSPEL.

293. THIS WON'T TAKE TOO LONG,

294. YOU'LL FEEL GOOD.

295. IF NOT, I'LL GIVE YOU $5.00.

296. WHAT THAT'S DOING IS PULLING

297. FROM YOUR BRAIN.

298. AND SEE IF YOU CAN FEEL YOUR OVARY TWITCHING. DO YOU?

299. DID HE JUST SAY, "SEE IF YOU CAN FEEL YOUR OVARY TWITCHING"?

300. OK, NOW, YOU'RE A TRUCK DRIVER?

301. YUP.

302. LEAN BACK. WE'RE GONNA

303. REGENERATION GOING HERE.

304. PAIN'S GONE.

305. IN THIS CHAIR, IT'S GONE.

306. IN MY FEET, MY LEGS.

307. IT'S HELPED MY DIGESTION AND MY HEARTBURN.

308. CAN YOU SAY HALLELUJAH?

309. HALLELUJAH.

310. MAKE YOU SAY "HALLELUJAH".

311. WE'RE GOING

312. UNTIL WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE PEOPLE TO WORK ON.

313. AT THE TRUCK STOP,

314. DR. BRINKERHOFF IS BACK ON THE ROAD.

315. AND WHILE HE'S RAMBLIN' TO THE NEXT STOP,

316. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE WORLD OF CHIROPRACTIC MEDICINE.

317. OVER 18 MILLION

318. SPEND OVER $8 BILLION VISITING THE CHIROPRACTOR.

319. SO WHAT'S THE DAMN DEAL?

320. HASN'T CHANGED SINCE ONE GUY JUST STATED IT WITH NO PROOF IN 1895.

321. SAID THAT SUBLUXATIONS,

322. OF THE SPINE,

323. MOST MEDICAL PROBLEMS.

324. OF THE SPINE,

325. AND CURE HEALTH PROBLEMS.

326. IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S JUST REFLEXOLOGY,

327. SPINE FOR FOOT.

328. IT'S ALL THE SAME KIND

329. LIKE A VOODOO DOLL.

330. AND THAT ONLY WORKS ON TV.

331. NOW, WE'RE NOT SAYING

332. CAN'T HELP LEGITIMATE BACK AND NECK PROBLEMS.

333. IN FACT, IT CAN HELP MANY WHO SUFFER FROM MUSCULAR INJURIES.

334. BUT IN SOME CASES,

335. YOU GET FROM A GOOD MASSAGE.

336. IRRESPONSIBLY PROMISE MUCH MORE.

337. IS DR. JEFFREY PTAK.

338. I AM A CHIROPRACTOR.

339. IN YOUR SPINE.

340. I'VE HAD CHRONIC BACK PROBLEMS FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS,

341. AND I'VE FOUND

342. HELP ME IMMENSELY.

343. OH, GOOD.

344. CHIROPRACTIC... IS ABOUT PRODUCING LIFE.

345. AND TO BE HAPPY.

346. FOR ME, CHIROPRACTIC IS ONE THING,

347. AND IT IS

348. OF A VERTEBRAL SUBLUXATION.

349. SO IT IS

350. IN THE NERVOUS SYSTEM,

351. AND THE SEPARATION OF SELF.

352. SEPARATION OF SELF? THAT SOUNDS SERIOUS. I'D MISS ME.

353. AS IN ALL THESE MADE UP SCIENCES,

354. NOT ALL PRACTITIONERS AGREE.

355. CAN CAUSE AUTISM, DOWN'S SYNDROME,

356. BRAIN DAMAGE, CANCER,

357. BED-WETTING, CROSSED EYES,

358. INDIGESTION, HEART PROBLEMS.

359. I AM DR. CHARLES E. DUVAL JR.,

360. AND I AM A CHIROPRACTIC PHYSICIAN.

361. YES, THE BODY HAS RECUPERATIVE POWERS.

362. DAY HELP? NO.

363. A LOT OF IT IS PLAYING TO WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.

364. DR. PTAK'S CRACKS ARE ADULTS.

365. WELL, THINK AGAIN.

366. OK, SWEETIE, SO, TAKE A BIG BREATH, AND...

367. IS DEEPLY DISTURBING TO US AT BULLSHIT.

368. YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY. NO KIDDING.

369. FUNNY ABOUT THIS.

370. AND JUST RELAX EVERYTHING.

371. YOU'RE SO GOOD. GOOD JOB, SWEETIE.

372. TAKE A BREATH. WE GOT ONE RIGHT THERE ALL THE WAY OUT.

373. FROM TWO THUMBS,

374. EVERYTHING'S MOVING NICE AND EASY. GOOD JOB.

375. Dr. I MEAN, THE CHILD IS NOT EVEN SOLID BONE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

376. THEY HAVEN'T DEVELOPED.

377. WHAT ARE YOU TREATING?

378. I HAD A BABY WITH ECZEMA.

379. SHE WAS 2 YEARS OLD OR MAYBE LESS,

380. AND, UH, AFTER 2 WEEKS OF CARE,

381. HER ECZEMA CLEARED.

382. NO MEDICATION, NO NOTHING.

383. WAIT A MINUTE.

384. HE TREATS BABIES?

385. I'VE ADJUSTED

386. A MINUTE AND A HALF OLD.

387. PLEASE UNDERSTAND,

388. IT'S A BAD IDEA TO CRACK YOUR BABY'S NOT-FORMED BONES.

389. WE DON'T HAVE A GAG HERE.

390. JUST MAKES ME ANGRY, SCARED, AND DEPRESSED.

391. JUST CALLED 9-1-1.

392. THERE, A DEEP BREATH ONE MORE TIME.

393. ABOUT THE RISKS FOR ADULTS?

394. CHIROPRACTORS DON'T

395. WITH MANIPULATION.

396. BECAUSE, THINK, ANY TIME YOU CAN RELIEVE A PROBLEM,

397. A PROBLEM.

398. IS NOT A PANACEA,

399. AND IT MAY— IT CAN CAUSE FRACTURE,

400. DISLOCATION, DISK HERNIATION,

401. AND IN THE CERVICAL SPINE, MAY CAUSE A STROKE.

402. FUNNY, DR. PTAK NEGLECTED TO MENTION ALL THOSE THINGS,

403. ABOUT DR. PTAK

404. ONE-STOP BULLSHIT.

405. HE'LL TREAT ALL MEMBERS OF A HOUSEHOLD, SICK OR NOT.

406. 4 GENERATIONS,

407. AND MY MOM, MY GRANDMOTHER, MY DAUGHTER, MYSELF,

408. AND EVEN MY SISTER'S CAT.

409. YOU KNOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS SHOW,

410. BUT, WELL,

411. CHIROPRACTIC JOKE YOU CAN PULL.

412. AND HIDE IT UNDER YOUR ARM.

413. CATCH A CAT.

414. THE CAT'S HEAD AND NECK.

415. AT THE SAME TIME, CRUSH THE BOTTLE UNDER YOUR ARM.

416. ISN'T THAT GREAT?

417. DON'T ACTUALLY HURT THE CAT OR ANYTHING.

418. IF YOU DO HURT THE CAT, KEEP OUR NAMES OUT OF IT.

419. THERE'S NO REASON

420. SADOMASOCHISM.

421. KNEES AND HIPS.

422. IF YOU ASK, PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK THESE MANIPULATIONS WORK.

423. AND A LITTLE BIT FREER IN MY MOVEMENT.

424. AND WHY DO THEY FEEL BETTER?

425. FABULOUS SALESMANSHIP.

426. EVANGELISTS MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

427. INTO THE SELL.

428. THEY'RE HITTING THE BUTTON THESE PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.

429. AND WHY DO CHIROPRACTORS CONTINUE TO GIVE REGULAR ADJUSTMENTS,

430. WEEK IN AND WEEK OUT, TO PERFECTLY HEALTHY PEOPLE?

431. CAN BUY A PORSCHE.

432. ACTUALLY, IT'S "PORSCHE-UH."

433. MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE MALL,

434. HIS OWN BIT OF CHIROPRACTIC FLIM-FLAMMERY TO TRY OUT.

435. GONNA FALL FOR IT?

436. A CHIROPRACTIC COAT.

437. CONSUMER SELF-ADJUSTING CHIROPRACTIC COAT.

438. IT'S ALL DONE WITH WEIGHTS.

439. THAT WEIGHT?

440. YEAH, YEAH.

441. I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE JUST SORT OF

442. TO THE LEFT HERE.

443. OK.

444. THESE WEIGHTS AND REDISTRIBUTE THEM.

445. TO STICK THAT THERE, FOR EXAMPLE,

446. VERY SIMPLE, RIGHT?

447. YEAH.

448. NOW WE'RE GONNA TAKE

449. AND PLACE THEM HERE.

450. WE'RE GONNA DO NOW

451. IS LET YOU WALK IN THE COAT,

452. AND WE'LL TALK TO EACH OTHER ON THIS WALKIE-TALKIE.

453. OK.

454. HOW'S IT FEELING?

455. IT FEELS, UH... IT FEELS GOOD.

456. FEELS GOOD.

457. UH, EVERYTHING FEELS PRETTY MUCH BALANCED.

458. A LITTLE MORE WEIGHT TO MY LEFT THAN MY RIGHT.

459. Dr. WHY DON'T YOU TRY CHANGING THAT RIGHT NOW?

460. OK, I'VE MADE THE ADJUSTMENT.

461. Dr. EXCELLENT. LET ME KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

462. IT FEELS REALLY GOOD.

463. WORKING MY VERTEBRAE.

464. Dr. RAISE YOUR RIGHT ARM.

465. LET'S PUT

466. AND THE LEFT ARM UP.

467. ON THE GROUND.

468. THE CHIRO-COAT,

469. I FELT MORE SLUGGISH,

470. THE CHIRO-COAT,

471. I FELT MORE ENERGIZED.

472. A LOT BETTER THAN I DID BEFORE.

473. FOR A COAT?

474. TO ABOUT 200 BUCKS.

475. SOLD!

476. BACK ON THE ROAD,

477. THE RAMBLIN', GAMBLIN'

478. TO HIS NEWEST STUDENT,

479. A REFLEXOLOGIST HERSELF.

480. CHRISTY? UH-HUH.

481. OH, GOOD. OK.

482. WELL, I GUESS WE'RE GONNA STOP BY

483. A LITTLE TUTORING.

484. I AM QUALIFIED AS A REGISTERED NURSE.

485. I'VE BEEN IN NURSING FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS NOW.

486. ABOUT REFLEXOLOGY ON THE INTERNET.

487. SO AS WE PUT THIS DYNAMIC STIMULUS ON THIS ONE MERIDIAN,

488. THAT IT OVERFLOWS INTO THE NEXT,

489. TO THE NEXT, TO THE NEXT.

490. WELL, HIS LESSONS MAY BE CONFUSING,

491. BUT THERE'S ONE PART

492. THAT ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND.

493. I PUT 1,200 DOWN,

494. AND I PAY 100 A MONTH FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE 2,400.

495. WAIT A MINUTE!

496. 2,400 BUCKS? 1,200 DOWN?

497. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

498. A FANTASTIC FINANCE PROGRAM.

499. AT $100 A MONTH WITH NO INTEREST.

500. WELL, THE TUITION MAY BE EXPENSIVE,

501. BUT ACCORDING TO THE DOCTOR, IT'LL ALL WORK OUT FINE.

502. THIS IS A PRETTY BIG TOWN.

503. YEAH, IT IS.

504. WHAT'S THE POPULATION OF THIS TOWN?

505. IT'S ABOUT 4,500, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

506. AW, LISTEN, YOU CAN...

507. BOOMING BUSINESS OUT HERE.

508. YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

509. I MEAN, YOU COULD CHARGE $10 A TREATMENT AND DO REAL WELL.

510. AND PAY AS YOU GO.

511. YOU'VE PAID 1,200 DOWN, RIGHT?

512. AND YOU'RE PAYING 100 A MONTH?

513. YOU'VE GOT TO START

514. SO YOU CAN MAKE THAT $100 A MONTH PAYMENT, RIGHT?

515. OTHERWISE, YOU'LL BE COMING UP SHORT,

516. AND I WON'T BE GETTING MY INCOME THEN.

517. OF REFLEXOLOGY, YOU KNOW?

518. AT THE SAME TIME.

519. YEAH! HE'S TELLING

520. THE CLASSES.

521. DID YOU ALL SEE THAT?

522. YOU STILL THINK IT'S REAL?

523. WELL, WE'VE BEEN JACKHAMMERED,

524. MAGNETIZED, AND MANIPULATED.

525. WE'RE BEGINNING TO WONDER IF THERE'S ANYTHING

526. OUR GOOD DOCTOR COULDN'T PERSUADE PEOPLE TO TRY.

527. SO LET'S GO BACK TO THE MALL

528. IN OUR GOOD DOCTOR'S MOST AMBITIOUS SCHEME YET.

529. I HEAR YOU'RE HERE

530. MUCUS MASK.

531. YES, SIR.

532. THE SNAIL MUCUS, FOR EXAMPLE, CONTAINS GLYCOPROTEIN.

533. OK.

534. YEAH. HE SAID SNAIL MUCUS.

535. THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO LET US DO THIS, ARE THEY?

536. THEY'LL START GOING HERE.

537. FEEL GOOD?

538. MM-HMM.

539. ON MY FACE.

540. FEEL THAT?

541. OH, YEAH.

542. AS THEY MOVE, 'CAUSE I DO FEEL THEM MOVING ACROSS MY FACE,

543. UM, WHERE THEY LEAVE THEIR MARK, MY SKIN IS TIGHTENING UP.

544. YEAH. HE'S ENJOYING HIS SNAIL FACIAL.

545. AND IT WASN'T JUST HIM.

546. WITH US, TOO.

547. THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER HEARD OF THE MUCUS MASK.

548. IT'S A VERY RELAXING EXPERIENCE.

549. IT'S FEELING BETTER. I CAN TELL, ESPECIALLY UP UNDERNEATH MY EYES.

550. MASSAGING MOVEMENT.

551. ACTUALLY IT'S FEELING PRETTY NICE,

552. ON MY FACE.

553. IT'S LIKE A LITTLE SNAIL MASSAGE.

554. YEAH, KIND OF COOL. I LIKE THAT.

555. REALLY SENSE WHERE THOSE EYE WRINKLES ARE,

556. EVEN MORE IMPORTANT, THE SNAILS REALLY CARE ABOUT GETTING RID OF YOUR WRINKLES.

557. WOULDN'T PAY FOR THIS KIND OF TREATMENT.

558. I WOULD PROBABLY PAY ABOUT $25 FOR A MUCUS MASK TREATMENT.

559. SNAIL FACIAL,

560. OF THE MUCUS MASK.

561. OH, YEAH, THE WRINKLES ARE GONE AROUND MY EYES.

562. UNDERNEATH THE EYELIDS.

563. MY FACE DOES FEEL TIGHTER, LIKE I'VE USED AN ASTRINGENT OR SOME TYPE OF MASK.

564. IT WAS ALL DRY UNDER THERE. NOW IT'S NICE AND SMOOTH.

565. IT FEELS RELAXED.

566. THESE PEOPLE AREN'T STUPID.

567. THESE PEOPLE ARE US.

568. PEOPLE TRUST OTHERS, AND SADLY,

569. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

570. THE MALL TO THE SNAIL GAG,

571. AND WALKED OFF.

572. AND AT WORST HURTING PEOPLE.

573. PEOPLE AWAY FROM TREATMENTS THAT COULD REALLY HELP.

574. LOOK, IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE,

575. BUT YOU DON'T WANT

576. JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN'T ASKING ENOUGH QUESTIONS.

577. FORTUNATELY, THERE WERE PLENTY

578. WERE BULLSHIT.

579. IT JUST WASN'T AS FUNNY, SO WE DIDN'T SHOW IT.

580. AND SO, DR. BRINKERHOFF HEADS

581. TO HELP MORE PEOPLE,

582. ARE WILLING BELIEVERS,

583. BULLSHITTERS TO PREY ON THEM.

584. WE CAN'T DO MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE BEING HOSED BY THESE WHACK-JOBS,

585. BUT SCIENCE CAN.

586. VERY SAD EXCEPTIONS,

587. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE THAT DO STUFF LIKE DON'T TAKE INSULIN

588. BECAUSE OF THESE CURES,

589. EXIST IN THE MARGINS,

590. HASN'T SOLVED YET.

591. AS SCIENCE MOVES AHEAD,

592. WILL HAVE TO GET REAL JOBS.

593. A CHIROPRACTOR, REFLEXOLOGIST,

594. YOU'VE BOUGHT A PILE OF MAGNETIC CRAP,

595. OR YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF SNAILS ON YOUR FACE,

596. AND SAY BULLSHIT.

597. QUACK. QUACK QUACK QUACK.

598. CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—