1. (ON THE PHONE) Where the
hell are you, Jeremy?Copy !req
2. We're gonna be late for the
christening.Copy !req
3. Chill, brother. Where are
you?Copy !req
4. I'm at the station, where you
were supposed to be 15 minutes
ago. I'm in a phone box.Copy !req
5. What are you doing in a phone
box?Copy !req
6. Have you put a farthing in
the slot? Mark's in a phone
box!Copy !req
7. - Is it an ironic thing?
- Are you doing it ironically?Copy !req
8. - I've got rid of my mobile.
- You've what? Oh, my God,
this is massive!Copy !req
9. What are you gonna do next,
move into a hut and start
drinking your own piss?Copy !req
10. We've got a land line. Times
are hard, Jeremy.Copy !req
11. I'm putting my clarinet on
eBay. I'm making my own
hummus.Copy !req
12. - This is the end times. A
mobile's a luxury.
- Yeah, right (!)Copy !req
13. What if I need to contact
you? What if I take a mega
trip and forget who I am?Copy !req
14. What if we run out of Marmite
and you're at the shop?Copy !req
15. These are all real-life,
nightmare scenarios.Copy !req
16. Look, where are you? I'm
coming to get you.Copy !req
17. - Zahra's.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
18. We were doing some work for
Ben and it got late and I
stayed over. God!Copy !req
19. Well, be ready. We've missed
the train. I'll get us a cab.Copy !req
20. Free cab ride to the
christening. Another win for
the lazy man.Copy !req
21. - Right, I'm rolling.
- OK, let's brew this thing!Copy !req
22. Fuck!Copy !req
23. Bye, Jeremy.Copy !req
24. How long is this gonna take?
How long does a washing
machine take?Copy !req
25. Could be, like, 15 minutes.
Could be, like, 18 hours.Copy !req
26. I bang it in and leave it for
a couple of days.Copy !req
27. We're going to be late if we
don't leave right away.Copy !req
28. Well, fine, but I can't just
take them out, can I?Copy !req
29. It's so frustrating. I can
see them, but I can't get to
them.Copy !req
30. - We'll buy you trousers on
the way. We need to leave now!
- Great, Tesco trousers (!)Copy !req
31. Ben's. I can get them back by
tonight. He'll never know the
difference.Copy !req
32. Oh, great. Steal his woman,
steal his trousers.Copy !req
33. You and your wicked willy.Copy !req
34. Has it never occurred to you
that two human beings of the
opposite genderCopy !req
35. could have a simple human
relationship without sex being
involved?Copy !req
36. You think you know me so
well, but you don't.Copy !req
37. Jeremy, you once told me that
chairs make you feel horny.Copy !req
38. I'm not just some filthy sex
beast, you know.Copy !req
39. I am capable of higher
thought.Copy !req
40. I do have feelings,
ambitions, dreams...Copy !req
41. I thought of that hat that
could keep beer cool if you...Copy !req
42. Sure. Great. Now, there's a
minicab place not far from
here.Copy !req
43. - We can... What's...?
- (DOOR RATTLES)Copy !req
44. - Just turn the knob.
- Well, I am turning the
knob, obviously.Copy !req
45. - Turn it properly.
- I am turning it properly.Copy !req
46. Obviously not, otherwise the
door would be open.Copy !req
47. It's not opening. It's not
opening!Copy !req
48. Let me try... Mr Patheto-hand.
Oh.Copy !req
49. - A little bit pleased he
didn't manage it with ease.
- It can't be locked.Copy !req
50. Uh-oh.Copy !req
51. - Someone's double-locked it?
- Fucking fucklebucks!Copy !req
52. Don't sweat it, dude. I'll
call Zahra.Copy !req
53. - Hi, it's Zahra.
- Oh, answerphone.Copy !req
54. - Please leave a message.
- Er, hi, Zahra. Jez here.Copy !req
55. Yeah, we're locked in your
building,Copy !req
56. so if you could release us
from the cage, that'd be much
appreciated.Copy !req
57. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.Copy !req
58. We can't get back in and we
can't get out!Copy !req
59. We're trapped, Jeremy. We're
bloody trapped!Copy !req
60. Relax, I'll credit-card the
lock. That's a debit card.Copy !req
61. Oh, fuck, this is impossible.Copy !req
62. It's really irresponsible of
films to make out this is an
option, because it isn't.Copy !req
63. Oh, God! I'm the sort of
person who rewinds if I miss a
tiny bit of a film,Copy !req
64. even a film I'm not
particularly enjoyingCopy !req
65. and now I'm gonna miss the
whole of my son's christening.Copy !req
66. All I have in the dad bank
is my record of punctuality.Copy !req
67. Without that, I've got
nothing.Copy !req
68. Come on, Flat B, was it you
who so coldly locked us in
here to die?Copy !req
69. Or the security-obsessed
wanker in Flat A?Copy !req
70. - Ring Zahra again.
- No, my battery.Copy !req
71. I've only got, like, a
milli-bit of power bar left.Copy !req
72. I suppose a phone of your own
might be quite useful now.Copy !req
73. Yes, it would, and I'm an
idiotCopy !req
74. and any attempt I make to
escape the debt-driven rat
raceCopy !req
75. must be punished immediately
and in the most brutal
fashion.Copy !req
76. OK? Happy now?Copy !req
77. I suppose we do need to get
out of here quite soon,Copy !req
78. before the air supply runs
out.Copy !req
79. - What?
- Well, in here,Copy !req
80. the air supply's gonna run
out sooner or later.Copy !req
81. What? I'm not an idiot...Copy !req
82. Why does that make me an
idiot?Copy !req
83. I need to make one call. Just
one call.Copy !req
84. Just one. I'm not having you
being profligate with my bar.Copy !req
85. - Hello, Directories? Thornton
Heath locksmiths, please.
- That's two.Copy !req
86. They're putting me through.
It counts as one. Hello?Copy !req
87. It's just possible you could
save my life.Copy !req
88. Yeah. I've got myself locked
in my flat, if you can believe
it.Copy !req
89. The address? Er, yep, the
address.Copy !req
90. - It's, erm, King's Road...
- King's Drive.Copy !req
91. King's Drive. And the
number... The number...?Copy !req
92. 52. Ooh, 54.Copy !req
93. - Er, fif...
- It's in the 50s.Copy !req
94. Is it a 40? 40-something?
It's a 40...Copy !req
95. Perhaps you could come to
King's Drive and walk up and
downCopy !req
96. - and I'll shout through the
letter box?
- 42! 42 King's Drive!Copy !req
97. 42! We're pretty sure we live
at 42 King's Drive.Copy !req
98. Well, that's customer
service. He called me a prong.Copy !req
99. "Prong"? OK, Mark, give me
the phone.Copy !req
100. Yeah, but there's the police
or the fire brigade?Copy !req
101. If we tell one of them,
they'll alert the others, cos
they're all friends.Copy !req
102. - I mean, not friends...
- Mark, I know this phone.Copy !req
103. It's not one of these fakers
that can run forever on one red
millimeter.Copy !req
104. - This doesn't fuck around.
- I never used to let my
battery run down.Copy !req
105. - I miss you, phone.
- Ambulance?
- Pizza.Copy !req
106. You can't waste the bar on
pizza!Copy !req
107. - Yes, I will hold.
- Don't hold!Copy !req
108. I'm hungry, Mark! I didn't
have any breakfast!Copy !req
109. Or would you have us both
starve to death?Copy !req
110. - Yes, I'd like a large...
- Look at him,Copy !req
111. the greedy gobfather
gobbling pizza on his godson's
time.Copy !req
112. Are you posting yourself out
piece by piece?Copy !req
113. I'm trying to catch the light
with my watch face, send out
an SOS.Copy !req
114. - Morse code. A passer-by
might notice it.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
115. Maybe you'll attract a naval
captain, who'll come and
rescue us in his frigate (!)Copy !req
116. - Ooh, I tell you what,
though. What?
- I really need a wee.Copy !req
117. Maybe... in a corner?Copy !req
118. Or we could make an area that
became... disgusting?Copy !req
119. I'm not having it in here. If
you need to wee, there's the
letter box.Copy !req
120. - Flop the hose out the slot?
- Well, needs must.Copy !req
121. What if a passer-by decides
to try and to turn off the
nozzle?Copy !req
122. Hm? What if a squirrel wants
a sausage?Copy !req
123. I'm not just sending my
member out into the world solo
to seek his fortune.Copy !req
124. I look after him and he looks
after me.Copy !req
125. That's the contract. The
letter box is not a glory hole
for urine.Copy !req
126. I'm going to this
christening. I'm gonna bloody
well kick the door down.Copy !req
127. Are you serious? You're going
to kick the door,Copy !req
128. using one of your legs, with
enough force, it's going to be
smashed open?Copy !req
129. - Yes.
- Mark Corrigan is going to
kick down a door!Copy !req
130. Oh, this is too good.Copy !req
131. Don't start yet. Just let me
get settled.Copy !req
132. OK... and go, go, Gadget Leg!Copy !req
133. Mm, mm, good. Good first
kick.Copy !req
134. Of course, you are going to
have to smash it out of the
frame,Copy !req
135. so only another million more
kicks like that and we'll be
out.Copy !req
136. Fuck you. I'm not wearing the
right shoes.Copy !req
137. Oh, right, yeah, wrong shoes!
Yeah, sure. Bummer.Copy !req
138. Arrrgh! I am so screwed!Copy !req
139. I'm so utterly, utterly
screwed!Copy !req
140. Look, dude, Zahra's gonna
call backCopy !req
141. but, you know, until she
does, we're in the Nether
Zone, yeah?Copy !req
142. Time moves at a different
speed in the Nether Zone. We
need to relax.Copy !req
143. You can't relax! We've got to
fight, worry, speculate, tut,
pace, swear!Copy !req
144. - Why?
- Because it's an emergency!Copy !req
145. And in an emergency, you
watch breaking newsCopy !req
146. and count your tins of butter
beans.Copy !req
147. You don't just sit in the
garden and put on Kiss FM.Copy !req
148. Dude, we're here for the
duration. Let's chill out.Copy !req
149. We have an obligation to be
anxious.Copy !req
150. It's a mark of respect for
the gravity of the situation.Copy !req
151. - Let's get to know each
other.
- Oh, for God's sake!Copy !req
152. OK, um... Oh, ooh!Copy !req
153. OK, if you had to - if you
had to - would you have sex
with me?Copy !req
154. It's a stupid question.Copy !req
155. If you had to. If the men
came and they made us, with
their guns.Copy !req
156. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
157. I suppose... maybe I could do
it, just so long as you
didn't...Copy !req
158. - What?
- .. enjoy it.Copy !req
159. I think maybe I could make it
through, as long as I knew you
weren't enjoying it.Copy !req
160. Hang on. You're saying you
could rape me, but you
couldn't make love to me.Copy !req
161. That is so you. That is you
all over.Copy !req
162. That is not me all over.Copy !req
163. OK, here's a history one.
What would you have done in
France in the war?Copy !req
164. - Would you have joined the
Resistance?
- I'm not getting into that.Copy !req
165. You want to, though. I've
tickled your historical
G-spot.Copy !req
166. Jeremy, you could at least
try to take this seriously.Copy !req
167. You are the godfather.Copy !req
168. What do you think about this,
Jeremy?Copy !req
169. Do you think this is too
high?Copy !req
170. Nah, that's fine. Totally
fine.Copy !req
171. Why don't you just jump out
of the window?Copy !req
172. I think I could probably do
it.Copy !req
173. I just need to lower myself
the initial portion and then
drop.Copy !req
174. - We're not in Road Runner.
- Jeremy, I'm a father. I need
to be at my son's christening.Copy !req
175. I'm not a park bench White
Lightning guy.Copy !req
176. Besides, after weeks of
negotiation,Copy !req
177. I finally got Sophie to agree
to James Ian, rather than Ian
James, after her dad.Copy !req
178. - Baby Ian.
- Mm...Copy !req
179. Ian Chapman. You'd have a
baby that sounded like a
solicitor.Copy !req
180. Exactly. So I need to make
sure she doesn't swerve
off-road at the last moment.Copy !req
181. Do you really think it's
impossible?Copy !req
182. Well, I mean, I could make
it, but...Copy !req
183. You think I couldn't do it
but you could?Copy !req
184. Yeah, if I needed to.Copy !req
185. I'd jump over the trellis,
bounce off the wall,Copy !req
186. hit the ground, parachute
roll - basic moves.Copy !req
187. - Well, go on, then.
- Nah.Copy !req
188. - Why not?
- Not in the mood.Copy !req
189. Could I jump? Might
make it easily.Copy !req
190. More likely splatter like a
blood-filled pumpkin.Copy !req
191. Oh, that's better.Copy !req
192. - You're actually doing it?
- Yes, I'm actually doing it.Copy !req
193. God, Jeremy! What if someone
outside thinks it's some sort
of comment?Copy !req
194. I hope there's no black or
minority ethnic person walking
past who thinks it's...Copy !req
195. Mark, it's a perfectly
friendly piss. I'm not...Copy !req
196. Oh, shit! Withdraw all units.
If it's the cops, don't open
the door.Copy !req
197. I can't open the door,
Jeremy.Copy !req
198. That's one of the key things
about this whole situation.Copy !req
199. Pizza.Copy !req
200. Pizza! Nutritious, delicious
pizza!Copy !req
201. How's he supposed to deliver
it through a locked door?Copy !req
202. I've thought about that.Copy !req
203. Just slide that baby through
the letter box, dude.Copy !req
204. Of course, the letter box.
Your new pleasure portal.Copy !req
205. It won't fit, mate. It's a
large one.Copy !req
206. Defeated by your own greed.
It's like a Grimms'
fairy-tale.Copy !req
207. Piece by piece, dude. Piece
by piece.Copy !req
208. - Oh, you've got to be
joking.
- OK. Money first.Copy !req
209. Keep the change.Copy !req
210. This is so not how I
imagined the day of my
first-born son's christening.Copy !req
211. Oh, shit, no, the brush!Copy !req
212. Dude, dude, we're getting
fucked with the brush!Copy !req
213. Do you want some?Copy !req
214. A slice of bristly,
cheese-free pizza,Copy !req
215. lightly brushed in your piss:
how can I refuse (?)Copy !req
216. What happens if you eat
letter-box hair?Copy !req
217. There's been very little
research into that scenario.Copy !req
218. Does post even need brushing?
Who wants brushed post?Copy !req
219. Hang on, dude, I've got it.
I've got a sheath.Copy !req
220. Use this as a protective
covering.Copy !req
221. Look at him, the James Dyson
of pissy pizza.Copy !req
222. Yeah... Hey, Mark, it's
working. We've cracked it!Copy !req
223. We should sell these.
Periodical pizza shields.Copy !req
224. - We could take these to the
Dragons!
- We'll make our fortune.Copy !req
225. This is a situation millions
of people find themselves in
every day (!)Copy !req
226. There's no name for this
situation, it's so unusual!Copy !req
227. - (RINGS)
- Hello?Copy !req
228. Oh, hi, Ben.Copy !req
229. Er, where am I?Copy !req
230. I'm at home right now.Copy !req
231. - OK, he's lying. This is
interesting.
- I'll be on vibrate.Copy !req
232. Fine, I'll get the pizza,
shall I?Copy !req
233. OK, you're popping over to
Zahra's? Do you need to, dude?Copy !req
234. Great, I'm gonna miss the
champagne and canapesCopy !req
235. - because I'm working as
Jeremy's mad pizza butler.
- Great.Copy !req
236. Would actually quite like a
slice but if I ate one, I'd
feel like he'd won.Copy !req
237. - Thanks!
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh,
shit!Copy !req
238. Ben's coming here! He's got a
key.Copy !req
239. He's gonna pick up his
laptop. Oh, fingerbobs!Copy !req
240. That's great. We're saved.
We're rescued!Copy !req
241. We might make it to the
christening in time.Copy !req
242. - Everything's all right!
- No, it's not.Copy !req
243. Everything's triple-fried
fucked!Copy !req
244. Oh? Why?Copy !req
245. Because I did sleep with
Zahra last night, OK? If you
really want to know.Copy !req
246. Then why did you have a go at
me for being filthy-minded?Copy !req
247. I don't know. I was just
enjoying being self-righteous.Copy !req
248. Besides, we very nearly
didn't.Copy !req
249. - I see.
- But then we totally did.Copy !req
250. I mean, if it makes you feel
any better, the sex was
terrible.Copy !req
251. We didn't connect. She's
Lego, I'm a Stickle Brick.Copy !req
252. She's very orally focused,
whereas I'm...Copy !req
253. - It's fine.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
254. Oh, this is bad. This is
really, really bad.Copy !req
255. I'm gonna lose the best job
I've ever had. Oh, what am I
gonna do?Copy !req
256. Why don't you try having sex
with women who aren't already
in relationships?Copy !req
257. Oh, that's nice (!) Kick the
dirty dog while he's down.Copy !req
258. The dirty, filthy dog
deserves another quick boot in
his tender nuts.Copy !req
259. It is quite nice kicking him
in his tender nuts, the
filthy, filthy bastard.Copy !req
260. We've got to get out of here!Copy !req
261. Yes, that has been my view
for some time, as it happens.Copy !req
262. Ooh.Copy !req
263. Oh. Is this the same window?
Cos it looks much higher up.Copy !req
264. - What, now you're
considering it?
- Oh, I can't do it.Copy !req
265. Of course. He's a pathetic
worm, just like me. Good.Copy !req
266. Ben's gonna be here any
minute. I've got to hide.Copy !req
267. Brilliant, hide.Copy !req
268. You could pretend to be a
stuffed beast or an extremely
peculiarly shaped parcel.Copy !req
269. Hey, Dr Sarcasmo, I've found
something. Look.Copy !req
270. OK, congratulations, you've
found an area.Copy !req
271. - But we can utilize this
area.
- Uh-huh?Copy !req
272. It could be great for
sleeping, this could be where
we sleep, or do our business.Copy !req
273. We are not shitting or
sleeping in the area, Jeremy.Copy !req
274. I could hide in the area when
Ben comes.Copy !req
275. Perfect!Copy !req
276. Hmm. Didn't get four across,
"boat", but they aced
"solipsism"?Copy !req
277. Who was this person?Copy !req
278. - Hey, look, Mark!
- Yeah?Copy !req
279. A thing. A bit.Copy !req
280. This is our ticket out of
here. We can do anything with
this!Copy !req
281. Your faith in the bit is
touching, Jez.Copy !req
282. We could smash a window, or
break a lock, or hit a man
over the head with it.Copy !req
283. It's like Whose Line Is it
Anyway? for criminals.Copy !req
284. We could sit on it for
entertainment, or I could
wedge it in.Copy !req
285. - Come on, bit. Don't let me
down now, bit.
- Hold on, Jeremy.Copy !req
286. I might have found a simpler
way of doing that, under the
bucket.Copy !req
287. Zahra's spare?Copy !req
288. - Ahhh!
- Great (!) Into the flat.Copy !req
289. Back to square one. Woo-hoo
(!)Copy !req
290. - Right, phone.
- Food! Water!Copy !req
291. I wonder if she's the sort of
dirty sausageCopy !req
292. that keep a little skin flick
at the back here.Copy !req
293. Jeremy, do you think we could
take a brief time-outCopy !req
294. from the masturbatathon that
is your life to go to my son's
christening?Copy !req
295. Right, what's Sophie's mobile
number?Copy !req
296. 0-77-00... That's definitely
how it starts.Copy !req
297. - You can do it, Rain Man.
- 0-77-00...Copy !req
298. ..9-0-0-5-6-3?Copy !req
299. I think that's right.Copy !req
300. It's ringing! It's ringing!
Hello?Copy !req
301. It's not her. It was a man.Copy !req
302. Try again. Try all the
variations.Copy !req
303. Try all the variations of the
five or six numbers I'm not
sure of?Copy !req
304. Yeah. There can only be a few
variations.Copy !req
305. - Of all the numbers?
- Yeah.Copy !req
306. - You really are an imbecile,
aren't you?
- I'm only trying to help.Copy !req
307. - You're not helping, you...
- Yeah, I'm just heading in to
my bitch's place right now.Copy !req
308. - (KEY TURNS IN LOCK)
- Hide.Copy !req
309. What?Copy !req
310. - We've got to hide!
I'm grabbing my laptop,
chow down on some brunchicus.Copy !req
311. No, Jez. No, I don't want to
hide.Copy !req
312. - We should be safe in here.
- I can't believe I'm doing
this.Copy !req
313. Look, we should just go out
thereCopy !req
314. - and face up to our
responsibilities like men.
- Sure, go on, then.Copy !req
315. I mean, not actually, but we
should at least consider it.Copy !req
316. Once he's had brunchicus,
he'll piss off and we can make
a break for it.Copy !req
317. - How long's that going to
take?
- I don't know!Copy !req
318. Since we're here, you might
as well answer my question
about the French Resistance.Copy !req
319. I dunno, Jeremy. It would
have been a terribly difficult
timeCopy !req
320. but I would probably have
kept my head down.Copy !req
321. You're kidding! I totally
would have joined up.Copy !req
322. That's very easy to say,
Jeremy,Copy !req
323. but you would have risked
death, not just for yourself,
but for your family.Copy !req
324. I'd have got on a train to
Berlin and taken Hitler down.
Boof! The whole thing's over.Copy !req
325. - We'll never know for sure.
- Oh, I know. I definitely
know. No question about it.Copy !req
326. Well, congratulations. You
would have been a brave, brave
man.Copy !req
327. I can't believe you wouldn't
be in the Resistance with me.Copy !req
328. - I'm really disappointed in
you.
- I can only apologize.Copy !req
329. Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to... Europe.Copy !req
330. - I don't know why they're
called beanie hats.
- Oh, shit, he's coming!Copy !req
331. OK, give ourselves up, come
clean.Copy !req
332. Or...Copy !req
333. Bloody hell!Copy !req
334. - (DOOR CLOSES)
- I just think beanie hats are
what it's all about now, dude.Copy !req
335. (BELT BUCKLE CLINKS)
Oh... my... God.Copy !req
336. Well, I don't know why
they're called beanie hats.Copy !req
337. Maybe in the olden days
people used to store beans in
them? Who fucking cares?Copy !req
338. - (SPLOSH)
- Yeah, all right, call me in
a bit.Copy !req
339. Over, Gold Leader.Copy !req
340. - (SPLOSH)
- Ohh!Copy !req
341. So... horrible.Copy !req
342. I know, I know.Copy !req
343. - OK, right, I've got to get
out of here.
- No, Mark.Copy !req
344. If you go out there, you'll
destroy me. You'll destroy my
career.Copy !req
345. Or destroy my relationship
with my son.Copy !req
346. Bollocks. He's how old, one
month?Copy !req
347. All he knows is that it's
bath time in the biggest,
weirdest bath in the world.Copy !req
348. If you've got to go, can you
at least do something, like
run out with the radio?Copy !req
349. - Then he'll think you're a
burglar.
- The radio-loving burglar?Copy !req
350. - What if he stabs me?
- He won't stab you. You're so
overly dramatic.Copy !req
351. Ben?
- Yeah, hi, honey, I'm in your
home!Copy !req
352. Forgot my laptop.Copy !req
353. - (PHONE RINGS)
- Beanie man!Copy !req
354. Here she comes. If
she washes, I stay put.Copy !req
355. - Toilet action and I'm
coming out.
- (ZIPPER ZIPS)Copy !req
356. - (GASPS)
- Hello.Copy !req
357. - Hi.
- What the hell...?Copy !req
358. - We got locked in the Nether
Zone.
- The what?Copy !req
359. The airlock between your flat
and the front door.Copy !req
360. And then we got back in, and
then Ben came, so we hid.Copy !req
361. - He doesn't know that
you're...?
- No.Copy !req
362. - Well, what are you going to
do?
- We don't know.Copy !req
363. Didn't you get my message?Copy !req
364. This is really, really weird.
You're in my shower!Copy !req
365. No, Zahra, it's not some
weird thing.Copy !req
366. We're not touching ourselves,
or touching each other.Copy !req
367. My boyfriend's out there.Copy !req
368. I know, and I guess this
might be a good time to,Copy !req
369. as we discussed, break up
with him.Copy !req
370. I mean, he might leave, all
crying, and, you know,
everyone's cushty.Copy !req
371. I can't handle this right
now, Jeremy.Copy !req
372. I think we should put the
whole thing on ice.Copy !req
373. - You mean us dancing on ice?
- No, like they put dead
bodies on ice.Copy !req
374. Is this about last night? Cos
I can do better. I know I can.Copy !req
375. I didn't even... go down on
you, which is a great shame,Copy !req
376. because I love to go down on
women, don't I, Mark?Copy !req
377. Rinse and repeat.Copy !req
378. Always with the rinse and
repeat.Copy !req
379. It's over, Jez. That's the
headline, OK?Copy !req
380. Jez, come on!Copy !req
381. Look, I really, really don't
want to get into this
conversation.Copy !req
382. I'm missing my son's
christening, so if you'll
excuse me...Copy !req
383. Mark, no. Ben can't find out
what's been happening.Copy !req
384. We can't break up over one
little blip.Copy !req
385. "One little blip"? Why do I
keep getting dumped?Copy !req
386. What's wrong with me? Am I a
bad person?Copy !req
387. No, you're not a bad person,
Jez.Copy !req
388. Zahra's just having a little
wobble. It's going to be fine.Copy !req
389. - I don't think it is.
- I'm going. I've got to go.Copy !req
390. - I'm sorry, but it's not my
fault.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)Copy !req
391. Hey, hon, can I jump in
the shower?Copy !req
392. - I'm so sweaty my sack's stuck
to my leg with superglue.
- Give me five minutes.Copy !req
393. Jeremy! Mark?Copy !req
394. Er, yeah, sorry. I've got to
go. Goodbye.Copy !req
395. - What the hell are they
doing here?
- Look, I should, er, explain.Copy !req
396. Sometimes, we come here, me
and Mark. Zahra lets us use
this place.Copy !req
397. - What for?
- To meet.Copy !req
398. Um, it's just a good place
for us to... meet at lunchtime.Copy !req
399. - What, are you and Mark...?
- It's complicated.Copy !req
400. - You use this place to...?
- Well, often we'll just have
a glass of wine and a chat.Copy !req
401. But, yes, sometimes Mark and
I will... jump in the shower
together.Copy !req
402. - Still locked. Double-locked.
Can I get the key?
- No!Copy !req
403. But, what the fuck? Why here?
Why not at your place?Copy !req
404. Why here? Er, Mark, you
explain.Copy !req
405. Well, we just feel safe here.Copy !req
406. There's a lot of prejudices
and labels in the world, but
here it's a free zone.Copy !req
407. - Now can I get the key?
- No.
- Very well.Copy !req
408. We used to go to the
Travelodge, but—Copy !req
409. - Why is he wearing my
trousers?
- Look, the truth is that,Copy !req
410. sometimes, we like to pretend
that one of us is youCopy !req
411. so that the other one gets to
fuck him.Copy !req
412. That's bullshit. You're not
gay guys.Copy !req
413. You look like shit for gay
guys.Copy !req
414. You don't know all the kinds
of gay guys. We're not all
clones from the clone zone.Copy !req
415. - God, I'd be a great gay
guy!
- Argh!Copy !req
416. You did it, man! Did you do a
parachute roll?Copy !req
417. - Sort of.
- You da man!Copy !req
418. - My God, he did it! What an
incredibly brave dick pipe.
- Ow!Copy !req
419. - We made it in time for the
party.
- Hmm.Copy !req
420. - Are you OK?
- He didn't actually say I was
sacked. He didn't say it.Copy !req
421. - I think it was implied.
- I actually think I aced it.Copy !req
422. I feel bad when
everything's basically fine,Copy !req
423. while he feels good after
enduring the most humiliating
day of his life.Copy !req
424. It's infuriating.Copy !req
425. Hello, Ian. Sorry we're late.Copy !req
426. You've missed your son's
christening, but you've made
it in time for the sandwiches?Copy !req
427. - Congratulations.
- Yes, well...Copy !req
428. My children's christenings
were two of the proudest days
of my life. But you...Copy !req
429. What? You took the wrong turn?
Your sat-nav was broken? What
was it?Copy !req
430. It was complicated.Copy !req
431. It was complicated. You can
tell that to your son.Copy !req
432. - You missed it.
- I know. I was just...Copy !req
433. Jeff was kind enough to stand
in as godfather.Copy !req
434. Oh, that's good. Hate for him
to go to hell cos of silly old
me.Copy !req
435. Just get us a pint, mate, and
we'll call it quits.Copy !req
436. Yeah, and I hope you don't
mind,Copy !req
437. but we put our heads together
at the last minute,Copy !req
438. and we felt Ian James just
sounded more him.Copy !req
439. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
440. How about a toast?Copy !req
441. To baby Ian!Copy !req
442. Baby Ian!Copy !req
443. Mm. Sweet, delicious, rancid
Champagne.Copy !req