Peep Show 9x4

1. - Gorgeous Joe.

2. I want to crawl inside your lovely pink mouth.

3. - Jez, I need to get to work.

4. - Oh, yeah, of course.

5. Me too.

6. Busy, busy, busy.

7. - Storage Wars, Walnut Whip,

8. wank into a flannel.

9. - It's like, who's the most famous

10. person you've life-coached?

11. - Uh, I would probably have to say ...

12. - Think of someone famous.

13. Think of someone famous.

14. - ... the Queen.

15. - Interesting choice.

16. - The Queen?

17. - Yeah.

18. It was either the Queen, or, Jenson Button, but,

19. in the end, I'd probably have to say, the Queen.

20. - You've life coached the Queen?

21. - It wasn't just me.

22. A small cadre of life coaches were airlifted into Highgrove.

23. - What was she like?

24. - She is ...

25. outlandish.

26. She's funny.

27. She's saucy and she's got the filthiest laugh.

28. Kind of ...

29. - Wow.

30. No offense, Jez, I just thought your life coaching was,

31. maybe, a part-time thing, 'cause you do it out your bedroom.

32. - Oh Joe.

33. Oh, I have an office, Obvs.

34. - Whereabouts?

35. - It's ...

36. You know the office block

37. on the corner of, uh, Cowper Street?

38. - Yeah.

39. - Oh.

40. - You do?

41. Great.

42. Yeah, well, I have a place there.

43. - I'll have to pay you a visit sometime.

44. - Yep.

45. You do that.

46. - This is just another small,

47. insignificant lie I'll have to maintain until the day I die.

48. Mark still thinks I know what the public sector is.

49. - Right, I want to beat Angus

50. but fuck April.

51. Freudian mixed doubles.

52. - Jeremy, can you hold your racket up?

53. - Oh, this is just one thing after a-bloody-nother.

54. - Face forward, please, Jeremy.

55. - Actually, I'm probably going to go.

56. - You can't go.

57. This is match point.

58. - Ooh, are we gonna win the match?

59. What if we lose the match?

60. The match, the match, the match!

61. - Can we just finish the game

62. and do this afterwards, please?

63. - Fine.

64. If it comes at me again, I'm not hitting it.

65. - Unlucky, Angus.

66. Welcome to hell, old man!

67. - Shot, Mark!

68. - Can I go now?

69. 'Cause I am only here so you can fuck the historian,

70. and I really don't see that happening.

71. - It's Angus.

72. They've made up and now he's everywhere.

73. I invite her to the library, he offers to give us a lift.

74. Tennis... he makes it doubles.

75. I mean, just look at him, hogging his wife.

76. The big, brainy, wife-hogging shit.

77. - Fuck tennis!

78. It's basically bullshit ping pong for giants.

79. - I'll bring the car around.

80. - Okay.

81. - Now, Mark.

82. Steal his wife while he fetches the Vectra.

83. - So, April, there's a —

84. there's a talk, uh, at the British Academy on Friday,

85. and Andrew Roberts is doing a jam on

86. World War I trench letters.

87. - Love amongst the mustard gas.

88. - There's literally only two tickets left, sadly.

89. - 'Cause I bought the last eight

90. and burned the other six.

91. - So, I was wondering if you'd—

92. - Oh, mark, I'd love to, but—

93. It's kind of embarrassing, but,

94. I'm going to have my moles mapped.

95. - Oh?

96. - Yeah, I can get a little bit jumpy... mole-wise.

97. Freckle on my kneecap... "That wasn't there yesterday!"

98. Next thing I'm picking at it with a craft knife,

99. trying to cauterize the wound with one of those...

100. creme brulee torches.

101. - Oh, April and your charming neurosis!

102. - I've been looking for a half-decent

103. mole-mapping place for ages.

104. By no means am I excessively moley.

105. It's not like I'm riddled.

106. I'd just like a full body ordnance survey.

107. - Well, that's amazing, 'cause not everybody is up for,

108. you know, having their genitals photographed.

109. - No, I—I am.

110. I'm bang up for that.

111. - Well, be nice to have some company.

112. - It's a date!

113. - A weird, kind of creepy, dermatological kind of date.

114. - They all count, April.

115. They all count.

116. - How are you feeling today?

117. - Like a piece of shit.

118. - Why is that, do you think?

119. - Because you fucked my boyfriend

120. and then you stole my boyfriend.

121. - Interesting.

122. - I fucking hate you, Jeremy.

123. You are unmanly.

124. And you are basically uninteresting.

125. And you hide behind this mask of, like, slacker bullshit,

126. like the fact you've never done anything with your life

127. is some kind of Gen X lifestyle choice when really...

128. It's just because you're a small, talentless worm.

129. - Hunker down, Jeremy, into the brain bunker.

130. - And you don't deserve Joe, 'cause I've been with him,

131. and he fucks like a dinosaur.

132. You fuck like a little child, like an eight-year-old

133. that has just been told off for sucking his thumb.

134. - Okay, that's all we've got time for today.

135. - No, it isn't.

136. We've still got 48 minutes left.

137. Unless you don't want me to pay you for the full session?

138. - Let's just dive back in, shall we?

139. Back into the cesspool.

140. - I'm gonna make you cry, Jeremy.

141. I'm gonna make you cry delicious tears,

142. and then I'm gonna collect those tears

143. in a little silver bowl and I'm gonna drink them all up.

144. Yeah?

145. - Walnut Whip, little cry, wack into a flannel.

146. - I got the slot immediately after April!

147. We're going mole-mapping!

148. - God, that's romantic, Mark.

149. What next?

150. Take her out in a hot-air balloon

151. and get your anuses bleached?

152. - It's a date, and no-one can prove otherwise.

153. - Mark, can I ask you something?

154. And I want you to be honest.

155. Am I a shit?

156. - Absolutely you're a shit.

157. Milk's gone.

158. - So I am?

159. I'm a shit?

160. - Oh, you're a shit, Jeremy.

161. You are the shit on my shoe.

162. - I'm a total shit?

163. - A giant, walking, talking

164. anthropomorphized shit on stilts.

165. A shit for all seasons.

166. The shit man of Europe.

167. - What a total, total shit!

168. - Well, I've enjoyed this, Jeremy.

169. It's pepped me up, it really has.

170. - I need to get my act together, Mark.

171. - Yes, well, I may have mentioned

172. something about this, Jeremy.

173. - I'm just a waster, floating through life,

174. jazzing into the flannel.

175. And Joe, he's like this great guy, and cool job—

176. - Sorry, you jazz into the flannel?

177. - Oh don't be so parochial, Mark.

178. I'm laying it out there, the inner churn,

179. the workings of man, and you're hung up

180. on whose jizz ends up on what bit of cloth.

181. - Which flannel, Jeremy?

182. - I don't know!

183. I can't be expected to remember where it all goes.

184. - Right!

185. Which flannel have you jazzed on?

186. Answer the fucking question!

187. Jesus Christ, Jeremy!

188. That is beyond the... pale!

189. - You know what?

190. You're right.

191. I've gone too far this time, Mark.

192. Well, I am turning a corner.

193. I'm growing up and getting an actual office

194. and I'm gonna stop just flinging my jizz around

195. hither and yon.

196. - How very reassuring.

197. Now, excuse me while I boil-wash my face!

198. - So, where's this gastro pub, then, Hans?

199. - Just up here.

200. They've got a fruity.

201. I call it the Isa, 'cause

202. it's basically my pension plan.

203. Go in there twice a week and bleed it like a radiator.

204. Mind you, I've got cramp in my hand

205. from hitting the $10 repeater so many times.

206. No, it's turned, it's fucking turned on me.

207. - Doesn't look very gastro, Hans.

208. There's a man over there eating Quavers out of an ashtray.

209. - Hey, hey, choir boy!

210. Fancy seeing you here.

211. Jez, this is Wadey, mate of mine from Halfords days.

212. - All right?

213. - Actually, Jez, it's lucky you're here 'cause, uh...

214. Mr. Wadey has been off working at Center Parcs.

215. Isn't that right, Wadey?

216. - Yeah, that's right, Hans.

217. I've been working at a Center Parcs.

218. - Yeah.

219. But he's been made redundant, sadly.

220. And I'm thinking maybe you could

221. have a little chat with him.

222. - Oh, is this about your self-esteem?

223. Yeah?

224. 'Cause I always think self-esteem

225. is a lot like actual steam.

226. You can't see it, but it definitely exists.

227. - No, what I wanted to ask you was—

228. You know your mate Mark?

229. Can you get me his swipe card for the bank?

230. - What's that?

231. Sorry?

232. - His swipe card that gets him in the back of the bank.

233. Can you get it for me?

234. - Super Hans, quick natter?

235. - Mmm.

236. Wadey, just give us a minute, will you?

237. - All right.

238. - Is he a fucking bank robber?

239. - Behave!

240. He's not a bank robber, Jeremy.

241. He's a burglar.

242. I'm joking!

243. Lighten up!

244. - I've been burned before, Hans.

245. Never trust the pub man.

246. - Things between me and Molly,

247. they've gone a bit rancid.

248. - You've just got back from your honeymoon.

249. - I know, mate, that's what's so surprising.

250. It is one hot, toxic mess.

251. And, uh, well, I just need some bunce

252. for a bit of a love bombing.

253. You know, sexy Dresden.

254. And if Wadey, he could just borrow Mark's swipe card,

255. we'd both be quids in.

256. - I don't like it.

257. It smells of crime.

258. - You'll be well compensated.

259. Money up front.

260. I'm talking five figures.

261. - Five figures?

262. - Well, there's a decimal place

263. after the first three figures.

264. - So three figures?

265. - Five figures total.

266. Three figures actual.

267. Look, he's harmless, Wadey.

268. - Sorry, Hans, I'm out.

269. I'm getting my shit together.

270. - Eh...

271. Yep.

272. They all let you down eventually.

273. Fruities, wives...

274. mates.

275. They all let you d—

276. Oh, hello.

277. Three golden eggs!

278. And I'm up the beanstalk.

279. - So, what was your final tally?

280. What's the scores on the doors?

281. - Including warts and skin tags?

282. - Including warts and skin tags.

283. - Drum roll...

284. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh...

285. 32.

286. - 41!

287. I win.

288. What do I win?

289. Most physically defective male?

290. - Can I ask you something?

291. - Sure.

292. - Does Angus seem okay to you?

293. - Well, I thought his service game seemed a little off,

294. but I didn't like to crow.

295. - A few years back he became totally obsessed

296. with writing a book about the Byzantine Church,

297. but for the general reader.

298. It had to be for the general reader.

299. He was really very insistent about that.

300. - How interesting.

301. Do I detect a mental defect?

302. - Next thing I know,

303. he's gone off to Turkey for five months.

304. Checked himself into a hostel in Marmaris.

305. He cut these kind of tramlines into his hair.

306. He'd written the Nicene Creed all over his legs.

307. - April, that's—

308. that's awful!

309. I smell it, the sweet stench of weakness.

310. - Maybe he's going back to that.

311. I don't know, maybe I'm losing him again.

312. - All aboard the Coconut Express.

313. Next stop, Loony Town!

314. - Yeah.

315. I need quite a lot of storage space

316. for my personal effects when hiring an office,

317. 'cause I've ordered a briefcase off Amazon.

318. It's coming from Holland.

319. What's—

320. Oh, my god!

321. There's a socket in the floor!

322. Unbelievable!

323. Um, do you monitor the things I look at on the internet?

324. - No.

325. - Great!

326. I love this office.

327. - It's $400 per calender month.

328. - Four?

329. 400?

330. Fuck my mouth!

331. - This is nice, isn't it?

332. A goodly stroll.

333. Invite him out for a walk,

334. lure him to a Greek Orthodox Church,

335. precipitate am insanity spiral.

336. My plan certainly has become quite Byzantine!

337. - Mark, I understand you went mole mapping with my wife.

338. - Oh... yeah.

339. We went for a little checkup.

340. The old mole patrol.

341. - I was wondering...

342. - Is this a walloping?

343. - If you'd like to come for a colonoscopy.

344. - Right.

345. - I've been putting it off for some months and I thought,

346. "Seems like it might be in Mark's wheelhouse."

347. You know, guys looking out for each other?

348. - Yeah, no, sounds great.

349. - We could go for a pint after.

350. You know, get the cancery bit out of the way

351. and then pop into the Whistle for a pint of IPA.

352. - Rectal exams with the love rival?

353. - And thanks for taking April.

354. She needed that.

355. She needs... an outlet.

356. You know, some nights she's like,

357. 'Let's take drugs and go crazy."

358. And I'm thinking Herodotus and a bowl of muesli.

359. It's just not me.

360. - Tell me your wife's secret desires.

361. They'll be safe with me.

362. - Say, that's—

363. that's an interesting church.

364. Is it Russian?

365. - Yes, a Russian Orthodox Church.

366. How fascinating.

367. - Uh, I believe it's Greek, Mark.

368. - Okay, well, I propose a wager, good sir.

369. Loser buys the ploughmans's?

370. Oh, I'll buy you a ploughman's, Angus,

371. but it'll be the last ploughman's you eat as a sane man.

372. - In terms of praxis,

373. the difference between Russian and Greek

374. just comes down to order of service.

375. - Put on the tap shoes, quick dance on his grave.

376. And is there a comprehensive history of the Byzantine Church

377. you could recommend, you know, for the general reader?

378. - Okay, I'm going to surprise you here, Mark,

379. and say no, there isn't, unless you include

380. John Julius Norwich's so-called History Of Byzantium,

381. and I don't.

382. - Right.

383. 'Cause you've got Simon Baker on Rome

384. and Karen Armstrong on the Western Christian tradition,

385. but nothing on the Byzantine Church?

386. Doesn't that just seem insane?

387. - It does seem a little nutty.

388. - This isn't horrible.

389. I'm just encouraging him.

390. Follow your dream, Angus,

391. all the way into the big mind mincer.

392. - ... and the only first-hand account we have is,

393. as you'll know, Martin of Opava's

394. Chronicon Pontificum Et Imperatorum,

395. and, frankly, it's a pamphlet.

396. It's so limited in scope as to be almost worthless.

397. - God, this really is interesting.

398. No!

399. Don't get sucked in!

400. Otherwise it's going to be me and Angus

401. sleeping in a Turkish hostel,

402. reading Scripture and getting rectal exams.

403. - Cup of tea and a Twirl.

404. Finally get a proper look at my arse.

405. Yep, there he is, that's my arse all right.

406. The dark side of the moon.

407. - So, mark, I got your letter.

408. - That's not from me, Jeremy.

409. That's from the bank.

410. It's a standard loan statement.

411. - Do you have any idea of the monthly

412. repayments on that fucking thing?

413. - Yes, Jeremy.

414. Yes, I do.

415. - So that's it?

416. Office gone.

417. There's no way I can afford it any more.

418. All my hopes and dreams, everything I've been working for

419. for the last 39 years flushed down the toilet.

420. - You've wanted this office since yesterday.

421. - You never should have sold me that loan, Mark.

422. You were exploiting me.

423. Well, guess what?

424. I've got one word for you.

425. Ombudsman.

426. - Ha!

427. - I'm going to the ombudsman.

428. So if there's a bang at the door and you answer it

429. and there's a man in a stovepipe hat

430. with a long, hooky stick, that's him.

431. The ombudsman.

432. - The ombudsman isn't a person, Jeremy,

433. it's a toothless regulatory body made up of

434. junior and often very obliging civil servants.

435. - One eye open, Mark.

436. - You know, Angus would have been more than welcome to—

437. - Yeah, he... didn't fancy it.

438. I caught him reading the Nicene Creed on the toilet.

439. - Oh!

440. April...

441. You are joking!

442. Ting!

443. - He said you went to a Byzantine church?

444. - Look, I—

445. I didn't want to dob him in, but we went for a stroll and...

446. It was like he couldn't help himself.

447. I mean, we went for a ploughman's afterwards,

448. but the mood was pretty somber.

449. So I ate both his pickled onions!

450. You know, April, it's at times like this

451. when I just want to throw my hands up and say,

452. "Let's take drugs and go crazy!"

453. - Hm!

454. Oh, God, help me.

455. - I haven't done this since Uni.

456. Am I doing it right?

457. - Yeah, no...

458. That's great.

459. Some lovely fat lines of... chang.

460. - Do you always have coke lying around, you big druggie?

461. - It's leftovers for Super Hans' stag.

462. But it's good shit.

463. It's real top-quality, taste the difference shit.

464. - Let the Great British Snort-Off begin.

465. - Eye of the tiger.

466. Fuck you, everyone!

467. Fuck you, Dad!

468. Ah... Mmm!

469. Delicious, as always.

470. Mein compliments to the chef.

471. Christ!

472. It's gone all the way up my nose

473. and into my throat!

474. Doesn't taste very nice.

475. What if it's off?

476. What if my head swells up like a melon

477. and I never sleep again?

478. I feel completely normal.

479. But also... a bit like I want

480. to karate-chop my hand

481. through a very high stack of poppadoms.

482. - You could hold up a keema naan

483. and I could punch my fist through it.

484. - Kung food!

485. I have never been this intensely funny.

486. - Angus would never do this

487. unless we'd talked about it and tabled it with our therapist

488. and dissected it to death.

489. - Oh, tedious.

490. I mean...

491. I don't even want another line.

492. The last thing I feel like is another line.

493. Well, that's it.

494. I'm an addict.

495. But that was actually, probably, my favorite

496. line of the two.

497. - 'Cause I found this cruise, okay?

498. Three months in the Med, just what we need.

499. - God, she's trying

500. to patch things up with Angus.

501. God, my teeth are dry!

502. - Cocktails, six meals a day, bad karaoke.

503. He said no.

504. - April, if I've said it once,

505. I've said it a thousand times.

506. First time I've ever said it.

507. You've gotta live in the moment 'cause right now I feel like

508. staying up all night, or running to Thornton Heath,

509. or throwing my iPad out the window.

510. - Go on, then.

511. - Yeah?

512. I mean, which?

513. 'Cause I'll do it.

514. - iPad.

515. - Yeah, 'cause it's just an iPad.

516. I mean, what is it, really?

517. Just some very thin microchips.

518. - Go on.

519. - I'm going to do it.

520. Don't you think I should do it?

521. I'm totally doing it.

522. Should I do it?

523. - You should totally do it.

524. - I'm totally doing it.

525. Regretting act of spontaneity

526. before I've completed act of spontaneity.

527. Bye-bye!

528. Fuck you, iPad!

529. - I can't believe you just did that.

530. - I know.

531. - You're like...

532. the Incredible Hulk.

533. The Incredible Mark.

534. - Mark Smash!

535. She thinks I'm funny.

536. Mark Smash!

537. Oh, my God!

538. - I should get going,

539. but thank you for an amazing evening.

540. - I've kissed her.

541. I've kissed her on coke.

542. If we take smack, maybe she'll get divorced and marry me.

543. - I've got you the goods.

544. - Mark's swipe card.

545. Mmm.

546. - But on one condition.

547. Say pub man is a bank robber,

548. we tell him, no shooting of Mark.

549. And that is an absolute red line.

550. God, I'm a good friend.

551. I've really stuck my neck out for Mark there.

552. - Good.

553. Hang on to it for now.

554. Let's just say young My. Wadey's attempts

555. not to rob Mark's bank have taken

556. a surprising, unexpected turn.

557. - Like what?

558. He's basically doing it right now.

559. - Hang on.

560. But he's not actually going to do it, though?

561. - Well, it's hard to tell with Wadey.

562. Don't get me wrong.

563. He's a teddy bear, but he's a violent teddy bear.

564. - You said he was harmless.

565. - Well, he's more than one thing, Jeremy.

566. He's harmless, he's deadly.

567. He's a devil, he's a saint.

568. He's happy, he's furious.

569. - He's got a multiple personality disorder, basically.

570. Shit!

571. Right, text pub man, tell him not to shoot Mark.

572. I've got to warn him.

573. What if he's already shot him?

574. What if he's wounded him?

575. God, imagine Mark in a wheelchair.

576. He'll be insufferable.

577. - I need something new to throw out

578. the window before April loses interest.

579. Could bung my George Foreman off the balcony.

580. - Oh, sorry, mate.

581. - Oh, it's grudge time with Jerry.

582. When is he ever going to forgive me

583. for bundling him into a sleeping bag

584. and throwing him in a lift?

585. - Mark?

586. - Oh!

587. Angus, uh... hi.

588. I wasn't expecting—

589. - So, I found a place that does

590. something called an air-contrast barium enema.

591. They basically pump air into the rectum.

592. Apparently, you get an incredibly clear silhouette

593. of the whole downstairs area.

594. - Sounds perfect.

595. Inflating my colon like a weather balloon?

596. - I'm not here to talk to you about a colonoscopy, Mark.

597. I need a loan.

598. 5K.

599. I think I'm losing April and she wants this cruise.

600. I don't know, I feel like if we go away together,

601. that might fix everything.

602. - Sure.

603. Sure, it might.

604. Well, let me just enter your details into the system.

605. Look at me.

606. I'm entering his details into the system.

607. Telephone, telephone, sunglasses, smiley face,

608. crucifix, and "enter."

609. Oh, Angus, your credit rating is, frankly, sub-Grecian.

610. - Look, I have mortgage statements.

611. - Mate, I'm—

612. I'm sorry.

613. It's a no.

614. Three-way spite-feast!

615. No commission for me, no cruise for April,

616. no marriage for Angus.

617. And it tastes great!

618. - Mark, I need five, like, quite intense minutes right now.

619. Hi, Angus.

620. Just FYI sort of thing,

621. there is a very slim possibility that...

622. a bank robber is heading into the bank right now.

623. So, you know, act normal, but also

624. be on permanent high alert.

625. - Jeremy, what are you talking about?

626. - It's just some mate of Super Hans, some pub man.

627. - A pub man?

628. I-I'm getting robbed?

629. - No, it's all fine, because I told Hans

630. to tell him, "No shooting Mark."

631. - What do you mean, no shooting?

632. I was going to get shot?

633. - No, because it was a red line.

634. - Oh, and no one ever goes over a red line, do they, Jeremy?

635. Tuition fees was a fucking red line.

636. - Look, it's just a caper gone bad.

637. He wanted your swipe card, and then I...

638. took it, but then I didn't give it to him, and—

639. - You took it?

640. Jesus Christ, Jeremy!

641. - Come on, Mark, on your high horse.

642. It's a bank.

643. They're insured.

644. It's a victimless crime.

645. - No, Jeremy, it isn't.

646. It's a victimy crime, and the victim is me!

647. I'm going to get shot.

648. - Oh, how many times, Mark?

649. You are not getting—

650. You are not getting shot.

651. Why does it always have to be about you?

652. - Oh, I'm sorry, Jeremy.

653. I'm sorry for being all self-pittying

654. about my potential shooting!

655. - In a way, you do work in a bank.

656. - What's that supposed to mean?

657. - Well, I mean, come on.

658. You're probably due one.

659. - Oh, great.

660. I'm due one, am I?

661. I'm due a good shooting?

662. Its my turn for the big, shiny bullet?

663. - Oh, shit!

664. - Is...

665. Is that him?

666. Is that the robber?

667. Shit!

668. Where's the panic button?

669. I can't find the panic button.

670. I'm panicking and I can't find the panic—

671. - Just fucking calm down, Mark, for fuck's sake!

672. - Why do they make these bloody things so hard to find?

673. - Will you stop panicking?

674. He's just some nutter.

675. - Exactly.

676. He's a nutter, Jeremy.

677. A nutter who may or may not have got the memo reading,

678. "No shooting me".

679. He's queuing.

680. Why is he queuing?

681. Robbers don't queue.

682. - We need to leave.

683. - What if he shoots everyone?

684. - He won't.

685. And if he does, what are we supposed to do?

686. Stop him?

687. Yeah, that's what we'll do, Mark, we'll stop him.

688. We'll stop the armed maniac, me and you.

689. - I'm not running away.

690. I'm just walking over here to reassess the situation.

691. All the way over here and out of the back.

692. - It's fine.

693. Everything's going to be fine.

694. No one's getting shot.

695. Right, we need to move.

696. He's quite obviously gonna shoot everyone.

697. - What?

698. What am I doing?

699. I need to go back in!

700. Wha— What about Angus?

701. - He's a cadaver, Mark.

702. He's toast.

703. Coffee shop.

704. We'll wait in the coffee shop until the shooting stops.

705. Macchiato and a blueberry muffin, please.

706. - A muffin?

707. You're going to stand here

708. waiting for a massacre eating a muffin?

709. - What difference does it make?

710. - Unbelievable.

711. Uh, flat white extra hot and a biscotti.

712. But this is on you!

713. I'm holding you fully accountable.

714. - You know what... soz.

715. - "Soz" is not an appropriate level of apology

716. for facilitating an armed fucking robbery.

717. - Joe?

718. - Jez?

719. - Hey.

720. - I'm the the offices on Cowper Street.

721. They don't seem to know who you are.

722. - Oh, uh... sorry.

723. I can't really hear you.

724. I— I'm just at Highgrove.

725. Uh, in fact, Joe, there's a...

726. very distinguished older gentleman

727. who'd really like to have a word with you right now.

728. (whispering) Do a Prince Philip.

729. - What?

730. - Do a Prince Philip and I'll go

731. and tackle the robber, or whatever.

732. - Oh, Christ!

733. No, I'm not doing a fucking Prince Philip!

734. - Uh, sorry about that, Joe.

735. He's famously flighty.

736. - You're not really at Highgrove, are you, Jeremy?

737. - Uh, no.

738. I'm actually at Balmoral and—

739. Hello?

740. Hello?

741. He's gone.

742. It's happening then.

743. Joe's starting to see through me.

744. - Really, Jeremy?

745. Tell me more 'cause I'm so invested

746. in your domestic horseshit right now.

747. - Mark?

748. What the hell are you doing over here?

749. - Oh, hi, Alan.

750. Just on a quick coffee run.

751. - Oh, really?

752. Hanging out with your little buddy?

753. Hm?

754. Playing Conkers with your little chum?

755. Get back to work.

756. - What about my coffee?

757. - I'll bring it.

758. Exit...

759. Mark.

760. - Jeremy, are you coming?

761. - Sorry, mate.

762. - Right.

763. Off I go.

764. On my own.

765. Off on my merry way.

766. No one seems dead.

767. It's a promising start.

768. Oh, God!

769. Here he goes.

770. Oh, he's bottled it!

771. He's just a big, beardy pen thief.

772. - Mark, it's going through.

773. Your mate sorted it.

774. We're going cruising!

775. - Brilliant, Angus.

776. I- I'm happy for you.

777. Thanks, Jerry.

778. - Oh, not a problem, Mark.

779. I'd happily steal your sales all day long.

780. - Commission for Jerry,

781. cruise for April, marriage for Angus.

782. Get the pub man back.

783. I want my shooting!