1. - Hmm, once upon a time, I might've wokenCopy !req
2. to the sound of a song thrush.Copy !req
3. Now, it's a couple of guys pounding theCopy !req
4. living daylights out of each other.Copy !req
5. I mean, it's fine.Copy !req
6. It's just, when Jeremy had sex with women,Copy !req
7. I hated the noise,Copy !req
8. but at least there was
something in it for me.Copy !req
9. Now it's like there are two JeremysCopy !req
10. in there humping each other.Copy !req
11. That would be his dream.Copy !req
12. - Fuck!Copy !req
13. - So, just to be clear for my records,Copy !req
14. you're sleeping with Joe regularly now.Copy !req
15. - Can't handle it.Copy !req
16. - I can handle it.Copy !req
17. I'm fine with it, just
what, you've gone gay?Copy !req
18. - Your word, not mine.Copy !req
19. - Sure, but let's say,
you had a Wikipedia page,Copy !req
20. which obviously you don't,Copy !req
21. regardless of how many times
you try and put one up.Copy !req
22. Would it say that Jeremy
Usborne was gay or straight?Copy !req
23. - I don't fit into your tiny little boxes.Copy !req
24. I'm just looking for
that sacred connection,Copy !req
25. and for that, I'd fuck any
single member of the human race.Copy !req
26. - Yes, yes I believe that.Copy !req
27. - You know, I've always been a bit gay.Copy !req
28. I've always liked a bit of that.Copy !req
29. Like with Pedge in Darty.Copy !req
30. - You and Pedge?Copy !req
31. - We used to get pissed
and pull each other off.Copy !req
32. Didn't you?Copy !req
33. You should have, it was great.Copy !req
34. - I have a long and varied
list of regrets, Jeremy,Copy !req
35. but not being pulled off
by Pedge isn't one of them.Copy !req
36. - The thing about sex with a guy,Copy !req
37. it's like getting your car
fixed at the actual dealership.Copy !req
38. They've got all the codes,
and you just plug right in.Copy !req
39. I mean, you like blow
jobs, don't you, Mark?Copy !req
40. - I'm eating a Fruit Corner, Jeremy.Copy !req
41. - Course you do.Copy !req
42. But, what's the most blow jobs
you've ever had in one day?Copy !req
43. Like in the first happy
days of a relationship?Copy !req
44. - One.Copy !req
45. - Right. Well, my life now
is a 24/7 blow job bonanza.Copy !req
46. - I very much regret
starting this conversation.Copy !req
47. - Put it this way, I'm moving
out and I've got a new addressCopy !req
48. for you to forward my
post to, Blow Job City.Copy !req
49. - Jez, I've gotta make a move.Copy !req
50. - Cool, um, here's that Beastie Boys CDCopy !req
51. I was telling you about.Copy !req
52. - Thanks, but I don't own a CD player.Copy !req
53. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
54. Well, download the shit
out of them, they're cool.Copy !req
55. - Yeah? I think they
started before I was bornCopy !req
56. and one of them is dead.Copy !req
57. Listen, gotta go.Copy !req
58. See ya.Copy !req
59. - Bye.Copy !req
60. The gay couple.Copy !req
61. I live with a gay couple.Copy !req
62. It's political correctness gone normal.Copy !req
63. - I really like him, Mark.Copy !req
64. Do you think it matters if I'm notCopy !req
65. young, dumb and full of cum?Copy !req
66. - Oh, uh, no.Copy !req
67. I mean, you're older and
intelligent and full of cum.Copy !req
68. - Yeah, except I'm not that intelligentCopy !req
69. because I don't really understandCopy !req
70. almost any of what the news is about,Copy !req
71. and I'm not even certain
that I'm full of cum.Copy !req
72. - Oh I'm sure..Copy !req
73. How did I get here?Copy !req
74. - I'm sure you're full of cum.Copy !req
75. - That's nice, thank you.Copy !req
76. - So thank you all very much—Copy !req
77. - The one that got away.Copy !req
78. Lovely April, but you can't
get away from Google, April.Copy !req
79. Corrigan and Google,
the maverick detectives,Copy !req
80. who just won't give up.Copy !req
81. Yep, she's just as beautiful as she wasCopy !req
82. when I failed to sleep with her in Darty,Copy !req
83. and she knows a fuckload
about the Ottoman Empire.Copy !req
84. If she voices the audio book,Copy !req
85. then it's look out Saint Basil,Copy !req
86. because I am gonna buy a box of wet wipesCopy !req
87. and have me a wanky Byzantine party.Copy !req
88. - Um, things haven't been great
between me and Joe lately.Copy !req
89. Yeah, that will happenCopy !req
90. when he's busy sucking
off your life coach.Copy !req
91. - Maybe we should have a big
chat and I should just say,Copy !req
92. like, are you ready to
commit because I am.Copy !req
93. What do you think?Copy !req
94. - No.Copy !req
95. - Oh, right.Copy !req
96. Why not?Copy !req
97. - The point is, you do your thing, yeah?Copy !req
98. And let him do his thing,Copy !req
99. and don't talk about upsetting shit.Copy !req
100. That's the key to happiness.Copy !req
101. - That's not what I expected you to say.Copy !req
102. - I'm a straight shooter.Copy !req
103. - And
I'm fucking your boyfriend.Copy !req
104. - Time's up I think.Copy !req
105. - Oh, right.Copy !req
106. I'm gonna call him.Copy !req
107. - No, don't call him.Copy !req
108. - Fuck it, I'm gonna lock him out.Copy !req
109. - Yeah, lock him out.Copy !req
110. - Do you want to, stay
for a glass of wine?Copy !req
111. - She's
sexy, artistic, confused.Copy !req
112. It'd be rude not to.Copy !req
113. - We
studied ancient history atCopy !req
114. Dartmouth but that's all ancient history.Copy !req
115. No.Copy !req
116. - Thanks for coming.Copy !req
117. - Thank you.Copy !req
118. - Hi, I love the Ottoman Empire,Copy !req
119. I think I feel an affinityCopy !req
120. because some ingeniously savage childrenCopy !req
121. at my secondary school, called
me the sick man of Europe.Copy !req
122. Sorry, TMI.Copy !req
123. - No, I was actually ostracized
by some horrible girlsCopy !req
124. who called me Joan of Snark.Copy !req
125. - Two
peas in a fucking pod.Copy !req
126. - Who shall I sign it to?Copy !req
127. - Mark, Mark Corrigan.Copy !req
128. - Okay.Copy !req
129. - Does she recognize me?Copy !req
130. I should say something.Copy !req
131. Could come clean.Copy !req
132. You sold me some brogues
and I followed you 200 milesCopy !req
133. and faked being a mature
student to see you.Copy !req
134. - There you go.Copy !req
135. Thanks again for coming.Copy !req
136. - My pleasure.Copy !req
137. - This is my chance,Copy !req
138. and I'm doing nothing.Copy !req
139. I am now, this instant, missing my chance.Copy !req
140. - Sorry to flout the queuing systemCopy !req
141. like some syphilitic sultan,Copy !req
142. but I just wanted to say
that we did actually meetCopy !req
143. once before, years ago at Dartmouth Uni.Copy !req
144. - I thought I remembered
you, but I wasn't sure.Copy !req
145. - I transferred from Coventry
then I transferred back again.Copy !req
146. It was complicated.Copy !req
147. I think Bez won Big Brother around then.Copy !req
148. Kilroy started Veritas, crazy times.Copy !req
149. I'm rambling but how would you like to,Copy !req
150. have a glass of wine?Copy !req
151. - I have to say, this is the
first time I've ever betrayedCopy !req
152. the ethics of my life
coaching organization.Copy !req
153. - Well, it was outside
our coaching window.Copy !req
154. - Yeah, I mean, I bet it's fineCopy !req
155. if football coaches have sex
with their players so longCopy !req
156. as it's outside the coaching window.Copy !req
157. - Listen, Joe'll be back soon so,Copy !req
158. you should probably go.Copy !req
159. - Oh, I'd
love to hang out with Joe.Copy !req
160. But maybe tonight isn't the best night.Copy !req
161. - I'm gonna have to book a double sessionCopy !req
162. just to talk this shit through.Copy !req
163. - I'm
creating my own work,Copy !req
164. I'm living off my own mess.Copy !req
165. Like when they fed all
the cows to the other cowsCopy !req
166. in the 90's and we got, what was it?Copy !req
167. Super burgers?Copy !req
168. - My day job's lecturing
at South Thames College.Copy !req
169. - So, this is your secret identity,Copy !req
170. sort of like Indiana Jones.Copy !req
171. - Yes, I'm very much like Indiana Jones,Copy !req
172. except I don't have a whip and
I ain't 'fraid of no snakes.Copy !req
173. - An
Indiana Jones reference,Copy !req
174. mixed with a Ghostbusters reference.Copy !req
175. I love you, April Danecroft.Copy !req
176. - I couldn't help noticing
that your book's co-written.Copy !req
177. - That's my husband.Copy !req
178. - Shit!Copy !req
179. - I use my maiden name for books.Copy !req
180. - Of course,
of course she's married.Copy !req
181. - You write together,Copy !req
182. that sounds like a dream sort of setup.Copy !req
183. - Well, I do all the PR,Copy !req
184. and most of the bulk of the writing too.Copy !req
185. - Interesting.Copy !req
186. - I mean, it's fine.Copy !req
187. Angus is so busy with all his research.Copy !req
188. - Hello,
resentment, my old friend.Copy !req
189. I've come to stoke you up again.Copy !req
190. - Mark, I don't mean to
be weird or anything,Copy !req
191. but did anything happen between usCopy !req
192. at one of McLeish's weird Darty parties?Copy !req
193. - No, I mean, if I can just
search the old memory banks.Copy !req
194. - For the
moment I replay nightly.Copy !req
195. - We might've had one cuddle once,Copy !req
196. but that was about it, as I recall.Copy !req
197. - Look, it was so great to see you again.Copy !req
198. I better go.Copy !req
199. Angus awaits.Copy !req
200. - She's leaving again.Copy !req
201. Come on, Mark!Copy !req
202. Pull your dick from the stone.Copy !req
203. - As a matter of fact,Copy !req
204. I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night.Copy !req
205. Ridiculously short notice, I know but—Copy !req
206. - Well, I'm free tomorrow.Copy !req
207. Although Angus is going to a conference.Copy !req
208. - Well, why don't you come on your own?Copy !req
209. It's not like you're chained
together, or are you?Copy !req
210. - Not last time I check, clank, clank.Copy !req
211. - Tomorrow, it's a date.Copy !req
212. I mean, that is the date
on which it shall happen.Copy !req
213. - Great!Copy !req
214. - Yes!
Olympus has fallen.Copy !req
215. Now all I have to do is
cook a meal so deliciousCopy !req
216. she will make love to me.Copy !req
217. Such as, cheesy pasta.Copy !req
218. - Jez, don't forget your phone!Copy !req
219. - Thought you were going
to the cinema with Joe.Copy !req
220. - Whatever, it'll start
with half an hour of advertsCopy !req
221. which everyone sits through likeCopy !req
222. obedient disciples of the
capitalist dictatorship.Copy !req
223. What the hell are you even doing?Copy !req
224. - I'm making hummus.Copy !req
225. - Making hummus, he says,
like it's perfectly natural.Copy !req
226. No one makes hummus.Copy !req
227. - It's only hummus, Jeremy.Copy !req
228. - What are you gonna do next?Copy !req
229. Start making your own pasta?Copy !req
230. - As a matter of fact, I
have made my own pasta.Copy !req
231. - Jesus, Mark.Copy !req
232. Jamie Oliver and Sainsbury's
make the food, we eat the food.Copy !req
233. - April from Darty is
coming over, as it happens.Copy !req
234. - The girl from the shoe shop?Copy !req
235. You finally tracked her down andCopy !req
236. you're luring her back to your
lair to eat her with pasta?Copy !req
237. - It isn't a lair, it's my flat,Copy !req
238. and my sole subterfuge is that she thinksCopy !req
239. she's coming to a dinner party,Copy !req
240. but I've got a feeling
that the other guestsCopy !req
241. may cancel at the last minute.Copy !req
242. Naughty unreliable guests.Copy !req
243. - Finally, I'm rubbing off on you.Copy !req
244. - Jez, I think she might
actually be my perfect woman.Copy !req
245. She's a serious academic historianCopy !req
246. who got my joke about Indiana Jones.Copy !req
247. She just texted saying, Professor
Jones has her whip ready.Copy !req
248. I think its probably the sexiest textCopy !req
249. anyone has ever received.Copy !req
250. - Wow, you should go the full Indy.Copy !req
251. I love you, on the eyelids.Copy !req
252. - Brilliant.Copy !req
253. But far too mad.Copy !req
254. - Go on, it'll be hilarious.Copy !req
255. - I was thinking, how
can I turn up the heat?Copy !req
256. I could blink at her as
she came through the door.Copy !req
257. - More than hilarious, it'll be a hoot.Copy !req
258. - It would be a bit of
a hoot, wouldn't it?Copy !req
259. But its the sort of
thing you'd think aboutCopy !req
260. but never actually do.Copy !req
261. - Not on my watch.Copy !req
262. Come on.Copy !req
263. You've tracked down the love of your life.Copy !req
264. Go for it!Copy !req
265. - No, Jez!Copy !req
266. - Yes, Mark.Copy !req
267. This is what real friends are for.Copy !req
268. Making you do brilliant thingsCopy !req
269. that you'd never do otherwise.Copy !req
270. This is how the El Dude Brothers roll.Copy !req
271. - God!Copy !req
272. - Right then, hold still.Copy !req
273. Come on, Mark.Copy !req
274. - Oh, this is crazy!Copy !req
275. You're mental!Copy !req
276. How does it look?Copy !req
277. Oh my god, why would she be here so early?Copy !req
278. I haven't even finished
pureeing the chickpeas.Copy !req
279. - Megan!Copy !req
280. - Hey, Jezebel.Copy !req
281. - Great!Copy !req
282. - Got off work early, thought
I'd see how it's hanging.Copy !req
283. - Oh
no, Joe in the bedroom,Copy !req
284. Megan in the hallway.Copy !req
285. I'm playing genital Jenga.Copy !req
286. - Good to see you, it's just—Copy !req
287. - Megan.Copy !req
288. - Joe.Copy !req
289. - Megan, Joe popped over.Copy !req
290. What a fun coincidence.Copy !req
291. - Are you having a coaching session or..?Copy !req
292. - No, he came round for a friendly visit.Copy !req
293. - Why, do you have a
coaching session booked?Copy !req
294. - No, no.Copy !req
295. These are both just friendly
coincidental visits.Copy !req
296. How lucky and brilliant.Copy !req
297. - This
party needs to break up fast.Copy !req
298. How? Fire?Copy !req
299. Use a lighter to start a
little fire in the hall?Copy !req
300. - I'll be in, in a minute.Copy !req
301. - There we go.Copy !req
302. Four and a half hours of
tears and sweat and painCopy !req
303. and it will, if I'm lucky,
taste almost as niceCopy !req
304. as a slice of freshly buttered toast.Copy !req
305. - Okay,
lets get the fuck out.Copy !req
306. A run? Yeah, let's go for a totally normalCopy !req
307. Saturday night three person run.Copy !req
308. - April.Copy !req
309. Dr. Jones, I presume.Copy !req
310. Just whipping up a feast.Copy !req
311. - Hi Mark, I'm really sorry.Copy !req
312. Angus isn't going to his
conference tonight after all.Copy !req
313. Is it okay if we both
come to the dinner party?Copy !req
314. - No way!Copy !req
315. - No problemo, amigo.Copy !req
316. - Spanish?Copy !req
317. Has the stress turned me entirely Spanish?Copy !req
318. - I promise we're house trained.Copy !req
319. We'll fit right along in
with your other guests.Copy !req
320. - Of course, they won't mind.Copy !req
321. They're very relaxed, the other guests.Copy !req
322. One more person at the
dinner party, no big deal.Copy !req
323. - Thanks so much and
sorry for the short notice.Copy !req
324. See you in 30.Copy !req
325. - Adios.Copy !req
326. - Ugh, utterly fucked upCopy !req
327. and unaccountably Spanish.Copy !req
328. - Can you smell, like, smoke?Copy !req
329. - Um, no.Copy !req
330. - No? Maybe I'm not feeling very well.Copy !req
331. Perhaps you guys should—Copy !req
332. - Hi there, I know you've
probably got plans tonightCopy !req
333. but I insist you all stay
for a delicious feast.Copy !req
334. - That might not be so convenient.Copy !req
335. - Well, that's as it may
be but I'm afraid I insist.Copy !req
336. - Joe, Megan, it is going to be amazing.Copy !req
337. You must stay.Copy !req
338. - Uh..Copy !req
339. - Wonderful.Copy !req
340. - What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
341. - I'm sorry, but I need backup.Copy !req
342. Angus is coming.Copy !req
343. April's husband.Copy !req
344. - You didn't mention the husband,Copy !req
345. you dark, filthy, dirty horse.Copy !req
346. - Yes, well, she's got a
husband and in 30 minutes,Copy !req
347. he'll want some dinner.Copy !req
348. I need to bulk out.Copy !req
349. Lettuce!Copy !req
350. - Bulky lettuce?Copy !req
351. - They'll bring wine, but we need booze.Copy !req
352. Where's the rum?Copy !req
353. Get the rum, make a cocktail.Copy !req
354. - What cocktail?Copy !req
355. - Any fucking thing.Copy !req
356. Rum and water.Copy !req
357. Rum and milk.Copy !req
358. Chop some parsley into it.Copy !req
359. They're all basically horrible.Copy !req
360. It's action stations.Copy !req
361. Fuck! How quickly can you
get to Mr. Patel's and back?Copy !req
362. - Mr. Patel's?Copy !req
363. Austerity corn flakes and Latvian feta?Copy !req
364. Look, here we go.Copy !req
365. Beans, everyone likes beans.Copy !req
366. - I can't serve baked beans.Copy !req
367. - Beans are pasta sauce.Copy !req
368. - Beans are not pasta sauce.Copy !req
369. - They're tomatoey.Copy !req
370. - Ketchup is tomatoey.Copy !req
371. That's not a pasta sauce.Copy !req
372. - It is when I make pasta.Copy !req
373. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
374. - I'm picking the beans out.Copy !req
375. - With your disgusting human fingers?Copy !req
376. - Mashed! I can mash them.Copy !req
377. Right, we're getting somewhere.Copy !req
378. Cooking's all about confidence.Copy !req
379. I'm just gonna mix it all together.Copy !req
380. I need to go Nigella.Copy !req
381. I'm gonna be the Hairy Biker.Copy !req
382. - That's not Nigella.Copy !req
383. that's not even Ainsley, mate.Copy !req
384. - How about some lovely filling lettuce?Copy !req
385. - What are you doing?Copy !req
386. - I'm improvising.Copy !req
387. - Good, it's like Whose
Pasta Is It Anyway, yeah?Copy !req
388. - How old are these?Copy !req
389. - I dunno, they're always
good, eggs, aren't they?Copy !req
390. 'Til they hatch.Copy !req
391. - Are they? Yeah?Copy !req
392. - You know what, maybe it's fine.Copy !req
393. Is it Moroccan?Copy !req
394. - Maybe it is Moroccan.Copy !req
395. - Yeah, Morocco.Copy !req
396. Anything goes in Morocco.Copy !req
397. - Right, okay.Copy !req
398. I like it that way.Copy !req
399. They can't prove otherwise, fuck them.Copy !req
400. - Exactly, that's the dinner party spirit.Copy !req
401. Fuck them all.Copy !req
402. Listen, Mark, the pasta will be fine.Copy !req
403. It'll all be fine.Copy !req
404. - Do you think?Copy !req
405. - Absolutely.Copy !req
406. - Although, I would recommend gettingCopy !req
407. rid of the love message on your eyes.Copy !req
408. - Oh my god, I forgot.Copy !req
409. Oh my god!Copy !req
410. - Ugh, lid scour.Copy !req
411. - Is it coming off?Copy !req
412. Is it coming off?Copy !req
413. - Not exactly.Copy !req
414. - Jeremy, did you use permanent marker?Copy !req
415. - I might've used permanent marker.Copy !req
416. - I'm gonna have to bleach my eyes.Copy !req
417. - Good idea.Copy !req
418. Although eyes, bleach, is that a bad one?Copy !req
419. - I'm gonna have to keep
my eyes open all night.Copy !req
420. Is that possible?Copy !req
421. - I can do this.Copy !req
422. I can do this all night.Copy !req
423. Oh I can't do this.Copy !req
424. Don't blink, don't blink.Copy !req
425. - Hi, Mark.Copy !req
426. - Hi, April.Copy !req
427. - This is Angus.Copy !req
428. - Just got
to keep my eyes firmly open.Copy !req
429. That's the most important thing.Copy !req
430. - We brought you some
chocolates, instead of wine.Copy !req
431. 'cause everyone brings wine, don't they?Copy !req
432. - Oh, lovely.Copy !req
433. - That'll
be one bottle of wineCopy !req
434. between six then.Copy !req
435. Perfect.Copy !req
436. - So you and April were
at Dartmouth together?Copy !req
437. - Yes, briefly.Copy !req
438. - Almost
unbearable urge to blink.Copy !req
439. Ah, lovely, lovely blink.Copy !req
440. Enjoy it, last one of the night.Copy !req
441. - Shall we go through?Copy !req
442. Help yourself to hummus,
it's freshly made,Copy !req
443. and if I say so myself, quite delicious.Copy !req
444. - Unlike
the rest of the meal.Copy !req
445. - Cocktail?Copy !req
446. - Mm, rum,
water, lettuce, vinegarCopy !req
447. and the secret ingredient, salt.Copy !req
448. - April said you were off to a conference.Copy !req
449. - Yes, date mix up.Copy !req
450. But I think April will be able to join me.Copy !req
451. I'm actually talking tomorrow
on transcultural memoryCopy !req
452. in the Ottoman Empire.Copy !req
453. - Ooh, look
who's won the lettuce lottery.Copy !req
454. - Wow, this is um..Copy !req
455. - It's Moroccan.Copy !req
456. I love it, it's quite subtle.Copy !req
457. - Blink
impulse off the scaleCopy !req
458. and drink disgusting.Copy !req
459. - Um, I might take it slow.Copy !req
460. Leave some for your other guests.Copy !req
461. - Good idea.Copy !req
462. I'll just go and see where
the other guests have got to.Copy !req
463. Okay, can you haul in the
mannequins, the normalizers?Copy !req
464. Also, Megan, would you happen to haveCopy !req
465. a small makeup bag about your person?Copy !req
466. - Oh my god.Copy !req
467. - Yeah, that'll work.Copy !req
468. - Yeah?Copy !req
469. - Yeah, mate.Copy !req
470. - Do I claim fancy dress
or go full English,Copy !req
471. button down, hope they don't mention?Copy !req
472. - Look, you probably need to know.Copy !req
473. Joe thinks Megan's fucking around on him,Copy !req
474. and Megan thinks Joe's
fucking around on her.Copy !req
475. - Right. God.Copy !req
476. - And I happen to know
that they're both right,Copy !req
477. because I've sort of ended up
sleeping with both of them.Copy !req
478. - You're humping them both?Copy !req
479. - To be honest, it's getting quite tiring,Copy !req
480. especially when I have to
do them both in one day.Copy !req
481. - Oh, that must be really hard.Copy !req
482. I'm so sorry for you, Jez.Copy !req
483. - Yeah, on the plus side,
she's fucking around on himCopy !req
484. and he's fucking around on her,Copy !req
485. so if they find out about each other,Copy !req
486. then I don't see that they
can make much of a fuss.Copy !req
487. - Well, you can't fuck
them both, I'm afraid,Copy !req
488. that's not how civilization works.Copy !req
489. Civilization, schmivilization.Copy !req
490. - Did Maggie mention that
she's actually an artist?Copy !req
491. - It's Megan.Copy !req
492. - Of course. (chuckles)Copy !req
493. Maggie's just a nickname that she hates.Copy !req
494. - Are you wearing eyeshadow, Mark?Copy !req
495. - Uh, yes.Copy !req
496. That's something I'm doing.Copy !req
497. I understood it was the fashionCopy !req
498. but I may have been misinformed.Copy !req
499. - Serve up, move on.Copy !req
500. - So, you two are writing a book together?Copy !req
501. - I do the bulk of the writingCopy !req
502. but Angus' ideas are
what the book's built on.Copy !req
503. April's doing herself a disservice.Copy !req
504. She's the real historian of the two of us.Copy !req
505. I think of myself more
as a theologian, really.Copy !req
506. The Holy Roman Empire
is a guilty pleasure.Copy !req
507. - He's
very decent, very wholesome.Copy !req
508. How can I steal his wife?Copy !req
509. - These aren't fashionable subjects.Copy !req
510. - All about our heads.Copy !req
511. Especially yours, eh, Jez?Copy !req
512. Oh yeah, that's right.Copy !req
513. Always rely on Jez for a chuckle.Copy !req
514. I'll show them.Copy !req
515. - Can I ask you a question,
Angus, of a theological nature?Copy !req
516. - I'll see what I can do.Copy !req
517. - Did Jesus have a cat?Copy !req
518. - I wouldn't have thought personal petsCopy !req
519. in the sense that we—Copy !req
520. - If you don't know just say.Copy !req
521. - Well—Copy !req
522. - I do find it interesting
that all you pointy heads,Copy !req
523. living inside your Westminster bubble—Copy !req
524. - I'm not a politician.Copy !req
525. - People like you in your ivory towers,Copy !req
526. who are like, who gives a
fuck about the real issues?Copy !req
527. - The issue of whether Jesus had a cat?Copy !req
528. - Do dig in.Copy !req
529. - What is it?Copy !req
530. - It's Moroccan, like my eye shadow.Copy !req
531. - Tastes like baked beans
on spaghetti with lettuce.Copy !req
532. - I'd hate to call you a
racist at my dinner partyCopy !req
533. but I think it's a little
more sophisticated than that.Copy !req
534. It's from the Atlas Mountains.Copy !req
535. - This is a disaster.Copy !req
536. Joe thinks I'm an idiot.Copy !req
537. I'm not an idiot, I'm Paxman.Copy !req
538. - To be honest, uh, I've never
really got it about Jesus.Copy !req
539. I mean, apart from all
the Christian stuff,Copy !req
540. what did Jesus actually do?Copy !req
541. - What did Jesus do
apart from Christianity?Copy !req
542. - Yeah, put that aside.Copy !req
543. - The moral universe we all live in.Copy !req
544. - I'm not knocking the guy.Copy !req
545. I'm just saying, you
know, apart from that,Copy !req
546. what did he actually achieve?Copy !req
547. I'm not saying I like him but at leastCopy !req
548. Hitler did some paintings.Copy !req
549. - If you're comparing Hitler
and Jesus, I'm afraid I'm out.Copy !req
550. - Ooh, hello!Copy !req
551. Naughty, naughty Megan.Copy !req
552. Am I betraying Joe or Megan more?Copy !req
553. I like him loads, but I'm her life coach.Copy !req
554. What the fuck? Joe!Copy !req
555. No, don't cross the streams, shit!Copy !req
556. - What the hell?Copy !req
557. - I um..Copy !req
558. - That was actually Mark's foot,Copy !req
559. he does that sometimes for laughs.Copy !req
560. - What?Copy !req
561. - Put your foot in my
groin, under the table.Copy !req
562. - No, I don't.Copy !req
563. - Mark's got shoes on.Copy !req
564. - He's quick, he slips them on and off.Copy !req
565. It's part of our flirty, dirty game.Copy !req
566. - I have no idea what he's talking about.Copy !req
567. - There
goes a valuable glassful.Copy !req
568. - What's going on?Copy !req
569. - What's going on?Copy !req
570. My boyfriend is fucking my life coach.Copy !req
571. - No, Megan, can we
talk about this, please?Copy !req
572. - Oh, brilliant.Copy !req
573. Freak show sideshow at the shit show.Copy !req
574. - What the fuck were you doing?Copy !req
575. - What was I doing?Copy !req
576. What the fuck were you doing?Copy !req
577. - I might leave them to it.Copy !req
578. Oh, the Corrigan stare.Copy !req
579. The full Paddington.Copy !req
580. - I need a cigarette.Copy !req
581. Has anyone got a cigarette?Copy !req
582. - I thought you'd given up.Copy !req
583. - I thought things, you thought things.Copy !req
584. Turns out, people can surprise you.Copy !req
585. - Hello.Copy !req
586. - Go on, fine.Copy !req
587. Choke yourself.Copy !req
588. - At least I tell you when
I'm breaking a promise.Copy !req
589. - Stop
actually rubbing my hands.Copy !req
590. - Sorry, it's just a bit
of a flashback to Corfu.Copy !req
591. - Corfu?Copy !req
592. - Oh, it's nothing.Copy !req
593. Not nothing, when we were
in Corfu last summer,Copy !req
594. we had a little relationship trouble.Copy !req
595. - I'm sure all's well now.Copy !req
596. I don't want to pry.Copy !req
597. - Wheedle,
wheedle, pry and needle.Copy !req
598. - We've had counseling.Copy !req
599. We've dealt with the issues.Copy !req
600. We've moved on.Copy !req
601. - But the wounds are still there.Copy !req
602. - That can happen with wounds,Copy !req
603. it can be good to give them a
good inspection now and again.Copy !req
604. - As a penance, I went
to live with the monksCopy !req
605. on Mount Athos for three months.Copy !req
606. - Ten weeks.Copy !req
607. - Ten weeks, whatever.Copy !req
608. - Apparently, he lived on nothingCopy !req
609. but dry bread and goat milk.Copy !req
610. But when I picked him
up, there were a lot ofCopy !req
611. Nutella jars in his recycling.Copy !req
612. - I know and I'm sorry.Copy !req
613. I can be weak.Copy !req
614. - Weak? How exactly, Angus?Copy !req
615. - You don't have to achieve sainthood.Copy !req
616. Just, ooh, try not to fuck anyone else.Copy !req
617. - This is
amazing! So uncomfortable.Copy !req
618. This could be my night
of greatest triumph,Copy !req
619. if we weren't all about to dieCopy !req
620. from eating these poisonous eggs.Copy !req
621. - For the cheese course,
I have a soft cheese.Copy !req
622. Dairylea molded togetherCopy !req
623. with my bare hands.Copy !req
624. - Plus a tasty young Stilton.Copy !req
625. - Ingenious, but totally mental.Copy !req
626. - Out
of bread and crackers.Copy !req
627. Just need to state it with conviction.Copy !req
628. - It's time for cheese and lettuce.Copy !req
629. - Most natural
combination in the world.Copy !req
630. - So, we've got good news.Copy !req
631. - We're going to make a go of it.Copy !req
632. - We're looking a the possibilityCopy !req
633. of moving forward as a three.Copy !req
634. - Becoming a triangle.Copy !req
635. - A very respectful, very boundaried,Copy !req
636. rather horny triangle with guidelines.Copy !req
637. - Threeism.Copy !req
638. - Threeism?Copy !req
639. - Well, I think it's great
you're trying to approachCopy !req
640. the situation in the
most adult way possible.Copy !req
641. - My god, is that what you want?Copy !req
642. To give it a go with her and
me in some kind of triangle?Copy !req
643. - Oh,
Angus, you just can't seemCopy !req
644. to say the right thing.Copy !req
645. You lovely arsehole.Copy !req
646. - I'm sorry this all happened here.Copy !req
647. - Just very
sensitively shut her in.Copy !req
648. - I am upset, it's
obviously still a bit raw.Copy !req
649. But I do still love him.Copy !req
650. - Of course, of course you do.Copy !req
651. - Can you tell him I need to talk to him?Copy !req
652. - Maybe I will, April.Copy !req
653. Although you might've picked
a slightly corrupt postman.Copy !req
654. - Okay, I mean, this is very excitingCopy !req
655. but I might need to make
a move home, so, Joe?Copy !req
656. - Oh, I thought Joe was
staying here tonight, um,Copy !req
657. according to the guidelines.Copy !req
658. - No, it's Saturday, so
it's a Joe and Megan night.Copy !req
659. - Right, but you spent
last night together.Copy !req
660. - Oh no two consecutive nights
shall, et cetera, et cetera.Copy !req
661. - Yeah, but you two already fucked today,Copy !req
662. it's my turn for a go on Joe.Copy !req
663. - Oh okay.Copy !req
664. Well then, yeah, I mean,Copy !req
665. I guess it's up to Joe, is it?Copy !req
666. Is there a rule for..?Copy !req
667. - Oh, this is fucking bullshit!Copy !req
668. - What did she say?Copy !req
669. - Look, don't shoot the
messenger, but April said,Copy !req
670. she doesn't want to speak to you.Copy !req
671. She loves you, but she's
not sure she likes you.Copy !req
672. - Right.Copy !req
673. - Naughty postman.Copy !req
674. Drink down my lies, Angus.Copy !req
675. They taste good, don't they?Copy !req
676. - Is this Ribena?Copy !req
677. - Yes, it's Ribena.Copy !req
678. I'm an alcoholic.Copy !req
679. I'm a complicated guy,
with a complicated past.Copy !req
680. Like you and April.Copy !req
681. - Why did you have to sleep with her?Copy !req
682. - I'm right here.Copy !req
683. - Oh, everything was alright when you wereCopy !req
684. humping two people, but when
I started, that's not allowed.Copy !req
685. - No, no, you knew we were
humping when we humped.Copy !req
686. - You kept Megan a secret because
you like her more than me.Copy !req
687. Admit it.Copy !req
688. - No, I won't fucking admit
it because it's not true.Copy !req
689. - Angus loves you but he doesn't knowCopy !req
690. if he respects you.Copy !req
691. - April.Copy !req
692. - I was just explaining.Copy !req
693. I think I got it right—Copy !req
694. - I need some space to think.Copy !req
695. - Uh huh, that's wise.Copy !req
696. - I understand, I'll go.Copy !req
697. - That's
right, off you fuck.Copy !req
698. - April, if you like,
there's a B&B nearby,Copy !req
699. or I can take the sofa and you can—Copy !req
700. - That's kind, Mark,
but I want to go home.Copy !req
701. Gus, do you mind staying here?Copy !req
702. - Of course, let's talk anon.Copy !req
703. - Bye, Mark.Copy !req
704. And thank you.Copy !req
705. - Great, she's gone,Copy !req
706. and I'm left with the Jesus lunk who,Copy !req
707. because of manners, I can't
simply push out the window.Copy !req
708. - For god's
sake, this is pathetic!Copy !req
709. I never asked you to fight over me.Copy !req
710. - Yeah, the fighting phase
seems to be ending, actually.Copy !req
711. - Oh, for fuck's sake.Copy !req
712. - Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay.Copy !req
713. You're a good man.Copy !req
714. I feel like I want to talk, you know.Copy !req
715. Really talk about sin
and man and god and love,Copy !req
716. and the mystery of the Trinity.Copy !req
717. - Right. Yes.Copy !req
718. - Yep, lets sit here,Copy !req
719. me in my makeup and drink
vinegar and lettuce and rum,Copy !req
720. and eat molded Dairylea
and scribbled cheddar,Copy !req
721. and talk it all through forever,Copy !req
722. while those two gently hump in the corner.Copy !req