Peep Show 9x1

1. - God, I'm nervous, I haven't seen Mark for six months.

2. Hope he's not too horrible.

3. Maybe he'll have forgotten I tried to steal his girlfriend,

4. I pretty much have.

5. - I'll never forget he tried to steal my girlfriend.

6. But I won't mention it tonight, can't ruin Super Hans' stag.

7. I've reached acceptance.

8. With the aid of a self-help CD I loathe,

9. I've reached acceptance.

10. Oh, my God, there he is.

11. - Here we go, Mr. Big,

12. the ex-provider of my cheddar.

13. - Relax, no recriminations on the stag.

14. I haven't had a night out for months,

15. no recriminations on the stag.

16. Hello Jeremy.

17. - Mark.

18. Good to see you.

19. - Likewise, I'm sure.

20. - So.

21. Going to relax this shit out with a lean.

22. Yeah, so hows yous?

23. - I'm most content.

24. - Right, that's good that you're happy.

25. - I mean, obviously not that happy

26. since Dobby moved to New York.

27. Ugh, I did recriminations on the stag.

28. - Yeah, right.

29. The Elephant Man never forgets.

30. Well, this is it, Super Hans' stag.

31. Hard hats on, time to descend into the depths of depravity.

32. - Oi oi, it's Snoopy and the Red Baron, come in,

33. you pair of fucking carb-loaders.

34. Now, the base juices are all paid for,

35. lads, so just choose your fucking additions

36. and let's detox till we've got mega cocks.

37. Oh, my God, he's cleaned up for the wedding.

38. Iggy's gone to rehab, sober Hans.

39. This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed,

40. Which? Magazine approved, childproof,

41. high-vitamin fucking bullshit.

42. - Jez, do you think at some point

43. to say that it's gonna start to degenerate?

44. - And antioxidants.

45. Oh, here we go, lads, more juice.

46. - Delicious, Hans, I'm just not sure how much

47. more juice I can manage, to be honest.

48. - Yeah, after you've had three or four really big juices.

49. - Yeah, whatever.

50. So listen, I thought we would hang

51. here for a bit, have a little stroll down Oxford Street,

52. take in the funny T-shirts, hit one of my fave Prets,

53. more juice, bit of a relax,

54. then this avo, shopping, relax, juice, and then Tussauds.

55. They've got a new waxwork of Zoella

56. and some other wicked YouTubers.

57. Sound tasty?

58. - When do you think it'll degenerate?

59. - I would think it'd degenerate soon.

60. Oh, pissing pure Innocent smoothie,

61. there's no way we can talk more about juice.

62. - See, the thing about juice from most

63. places is you get all the fiber

64. and most of the vitamins, but if it's been pasteurized

65. a fucklot of the micronutrient content has been neutralized.

66. Oh no, I don't think so, love, we're not.

67. Did one of you jokers order this?

68. - Sorry, wrong table.

69. - Unless, um. - One little siparoo?

70. - No, mate, no!

71. No.

72. What, just to wet the whistle?

73. - Exactly, just to wet the whistle.

74. - If it's just to wet the whistle.

75. That's right, get that big,

76. old whistle really nice and wet.

77. - Mm.

78. That is quite refreshing.

79. Everyone!

80. - Like, I'm really passionate about my art,

81. but I'm stuck working here, and it's like,

82. when is it going to happen for me, you know?

83. - Probably never. - Right.

84. - What are your actual chances

85. of making a living as an artist?

86. - I don't know, like, not very high?

87. - Exactly, not very high.

88. - Jez, I want to go full horrible.

89. Take me to the nasties.

90. - All in good time, Hans.

91. Look, I'm a life coach,

92. so when I say sometimes you have to kill a dream

93. to follow a dream, that's advice

94. backed by a professional standards body.

95. Mm, I've said body, she'll be thinking about my body.

96. - 'Scuse me there, mate. - Fuck off!

97. I heard The Strokes before you.

98. - Ha, it did degenerate.

99. - I knew it would.

100. - I want Molly, I love Molly!

101. - She's not here, Hans.

102. - Alright, you're home now, let's get you on the futon.

103. Sleep it off. - I fucking hate a futon.

104. - Everyone does, but they're indestructible,

105. so we are stuck with them.

106. - You're living here with Super Hans

107. and his fiancee, the three of you in their tiny flat?

108. - Yep, oh yep. - So where do you?

109. - Come on through.

110. It's a great space, extremely versatile.

111. - This is your room?

112. - The humidity is actually great for my chest.

113. I mean, it's not number one Hyde Park Palace,

114. but it suits me down to the ground.

115. - This is the most

116. pathetic sight known to man.

117. - I think of it as a sunken bed.

118. - Yeah, that's probably a good way to think of it.

119. - Don't even need to leave the tub.

120. Drink from the tap, and when I need to,

121. just push the bag down, bang, the bog's right there.

122. Just kneel and piss directly down the plughole.

123. It's my system.

124. - Ah, okay, that's a good system.

125. - And you haven't even seen the kitchen.

126. I love it. - Clever.

127. You've got a great set-up here.

128. Mmm, toilet toast.

129. - Jez, I need to. - Oh, right,

130. yeah, no problem, wicked.

131. Will it be a longy or a shorty?

132. No worries, you decide.

133. Take your time.

134. That is the one small downside, but it's cool.

135. - Right, well, you probably want to turn in.

136. Once Super Hans has finished his disgusting business.

137. I'll see you around.

138. - There he goes, my other half, my better half, 'er indoors.

139. Mark, we need to talk,

140. there's something I need to say to you.

141. - Finally, let the apologathon commence.

142. - No, it's going to be a longy.

143. - But maybe not here.

144. Sorry, Mark, I'm sorry.

145. So simple, and yet it feels like if I say it,

146. I might actually die.

147. Okay, no need for an apology now, I'm back in.

148. We'll just pick up where we left off.

149. - Jez, this is Jerry.

150. Jerry, Jez.

151. - Jerry?

152. - Jerry's a colleague from the bank.

153. - The bank? - I work at a bank now,

154. Johnson got me in. - Johnson?

155. - Yep, and he's off the sauce.

156. - Um, unless you count tomato sauce.

157. - Yes, he certainly likes a lot

158. of tomato sauce on his chips.

159. Jerry moved in a few weeks back.

160. - Yeah, I've just split from my ex.

161. She was a miner from Moldova, a gold miner.

162. So me and Mark are the Rebound Brothers.

163. Boing! - Boing.

164. - The El Dude Brothers

165. trump the Rebound Brothers, you total fucking asshole.

166. - I'm the new, improved you.

167. - He's using my mug, Mark.

168. - They're all my mugs, Jez.

169. Jerry's a William Morris fan, we both are.

170. Have nothing in your room that you do not believe to be

171. beautiful or know to be useful.

172. - I don't know why, but I hate Jerry.

173. Hey, that's my duvet! - I don't think so.

174. So, what was it you wanted to say?

175. I've got work in the morning

176. so I'd quite like to get to bed.

177. Watch him grovel live, while I swirl a brandy

178. and hold a breadstick like a big cigar.

179. - I'm out, Jerry's in, apology redundant.

180. Pretty sure that is my duvet.

181. - That's it? - That's it.

182. - You don't perhaps wish to play

183. the classic board game Sorry?

184. - No.

185. I'll give you a twatting at Operation if you like.

186. - Or we could hunt for YouTube clips

187. of the Ronnie Corbett sitcom Sorry!

188. while we ate some bit much sorrel soup.

189. - Look, Mark, I know what you're getting at,

190. but the fact is, that day with Dobby I had a,

191. a medical brain attack.

192. I've got a note from the doctor, somewhere.

193. If I can find the bloody thing.

194. - Right.

195. You are not to blame for anything?

196. Well, fine.

197. Goodnight.

198. I'll see you around, no doubt.

199. - Fine, I'll go, but before I do,

200. I'm reclaiming the Falklands.

201. - What are you doing? - Taking my duvet,

202. if that's cool. - No, it's not cool,

203. Jerry needs it, it's not yours.

204. - Fuck Jerry, it's mine.

205. - Jeremy, this isn't normal.

206. It is, it's all totally normal!

207. - There he goes, duvet cape man

208. off to his toilet kitchen.

209. - Another night in the bath.

210. I really don't think you could call my life a failure.

211. Look at that, I've got a sleeping bag and a duvet.

212. If this was the olden days,

213. I'd be a billionaire.

214. - Jez, I'm fucked,

215. Molly found a wrap of coke in me pocket.

216. - Oh man, so you're in the shit.

217. - Yeah.

218. Well, no, I had to say it was yours, so,

219. you're in the shit.

220. You take the hit for me, mate?

221. Please.

222. She'll break it off if she finds out I've been coking.

223. - Jeremy, is it true?

224. - The coke?

225. Yes, yes, it's mine.

226. I brought some coke to the stag,

227. and even though Hans asked me not to,

228. and, but he refused to have any.

229. - Yeah.

230. He was like, come on!

231. And I was like, no, no.

232. - Why was it in his pocket?

233. - Because he took it off me.

234. - Why?

235. - Why, because he was trying to spike people

236. and drug little kids, and I was like no way, dude.

237. - Jez.

238. - Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a spiker,

239. it's just one of my things.

240. Yeah, he was like, let's spike these shitheads,

241. and I was just like no way.

242. I couldn't see that happen, spiking.

243. - I guess I'm just a terrible, terrible shithead.

244. - Look, we've put up with a lot with you staying here.

245. - Yeah. - But I think

246. if we want the lifestyle we want,

247. - Yeah, look, sorry, Jez,

248. but you're a bad influence,

249. and I think you need to leave.

250. - Can't I stay one more night?

251. After everything I've done for you?

252. Not just in the past, but like really recently.

253. - I'm sorry, Jez, but you broke, you broke our trust.

254. You're a liar, and a pervert, and a scumbag,

255. and I never want to see you again.

256. - Finally working at a bank,

257. and banks have turned into phone shops.

258. But it is still a bank.

259. I'm the Wolf of Wall Street.

260. Look out, Boots, I'm going to buy 100 meal deals

261. and eat them off a prossie in the nude.

262. - Hey, hey, hey, Marco.

263. How you going, good buddy?

264. - Yeah, great, actually, old pal.

265. - Oh, really?

266. I thought you might be feeling like a guy

267. who's just walked into a high-class restaurant

268. with a sausage dog on the end of his dick.

269. - Uh, no.

270. - I got something up on my visual

271. display unit this morning, Mark.

272. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit.

273. Then I took a closer look, and I realized

274. it was actually your sales record.

275. - Oh.

276. Right. - I pulled strings

277. to get you in, Mark.

278. If you look like a sausage dog fucker,

279. then I look like a sausage dog fucker, do you get me?

280. - Got to get my dick out of the dog.

281. - Someone didn't get enough tomato sauce on his bacon butty.

282. - Ha, yeah, he certainly needs a little more sauce.

283. Ugh, just repeating the joke.

284. I need to elaborate on the conceit,

285. but too worried about redundancy.

286. - Hello, how hard can I shaft you today?

287. - Jerry's sales record shits on mine.

288. I need to sell a loan.

289. Fuck, where's a good old-fashioned

290. gullible idiot when you need one?

291. - Mark?

292. I felt a bit bad about the other night,

293. so I got you a biscuit.

294. I mean, they call them cookies,

295. but I know you prefer me to call it a biscuit.

296. - Uh-huh, the good thing is that to get, say,

297. 3,000 pounds, you'd pay just 21% APR.

298. - Is that good? - It's pretty good, yeah.

299. And you'd only need to repay 2% of the capital a month.

300. If you want the loan to last 184 years.

301. - Three grand, free?

302. - It's not quite free.

303. - But I get it without having to give you anything?

304. - Yes. - So basically,

305. it is free, really.

306. - Yes, you've winkled me out.

307. It is basically free.

308. And the interesting thing about you

309. is that you'd actually qualify as an F6.

310. - That sounds good.

311. - It's a credit rating especially for people like you.

312. The terminally ill and criminals

313. who might flee to Thailand.

314. - Ooh, I've got a credit rating.

315. - Yes, you have, Jez.

316. You have.

317. And to qualify for this loan,

318. all you need is a reference

319. from a landlord or a former landlord.

320. Would you like to play capitalism?

321. - Great.

322. And now I'm all signed up, could we have

323. a chat about living arrangements?

324. Yeah, I've moved out of Hans'.

325. So yeah, I'm considering something really exciting,

326. a night in one of the Royal Parks.

327. Unless. - Homeless Jeremy.

328. No, harden the heart, I'm moving on.

329. Look, Jez, you wouldn't want to live with me and Jerry.

330. We're stick-in-the-muds who like nothing better

331. than watching Civilization with Kenneth Clark

332. whilst eating artichokes and sea bream.

333. - No, great, good.

334. I'll be fine in the park till the loan comes through.

335. Anyway, thanks.

336. There goes the first beat of the butterfly wing

337. that starts the next financial meltdown.

338. 6:45.

339. There's a lot of evening, isn't there?

340. Without the goggle box.

341. - Maybe we should treat ourselves,

342. get back to the William Morris documentary.

343. - Um, yeah, brilliant.

344. Ugh, more William Morris.

345. Wallpaper and worker's rights.

346. God, this is like the Dark Ages.

347. Centuries and centuries with nothing to look forward to

348. except the slim possibility a Viking

349. might break down the door and rape me.

350. Crush, crush the candy.

351. So relentless, so satisfying yet unsatisfying.

352. Like Cleopatra, Candy Crush makes

353. hungry where most she satisfies.

354. Crushing candy, quoting Shakespeare,

355. hiding in a toilet in my own home.

356. This is the confused high point of Western civilization.

357. - Are you okay in there, Mark?

358. - Oh, fine, thanks, Jerry.

359. Shouldn't be too much longer now.

360. - Take your time, mate, I've paused it.

361. - Thought I'd killed

362. 20 minutes of Morris, but no!

363. - Oh, hello, Mark.

364. Got time for a chat?

365. - Uh, could just shut the door?

366. Maybe you'd better come in for a minute.

367. Has he read the loan small print?

368. Yeah right, he doesn't read the large print.

369. But he might protect me temporarily from Morris.

370. - Look out, Mark,

371. my brain's got something in it,

372. and you don't know what something.

373. Quite like to get back to my reading, so.

374. - Yes, so, Mark, did you know

375. that every time you play Candy Crush

376. on your phone you sent out a Facebook invitation?

377. - Fucking Facebook!

378. Zuckerberg's fucked me again, that asshole.

379. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

380. - I don't think you know your settings very well.

381. You're pumping out invites every time you play.

382. - Perhaps I was hacked.

383. - That happens a lot. - It could.

384. - Mm, it just tends to happen to people

385. who have just sent pictures of their cock on Twitter.

386. They're all hacked.

387. - Well, I can't think of any other explanation.

388. - Look, the problem for you is I'm your friend.

389. I know you, Mark.

390. I know you like to pretend that you're this stuffed shirt

391. who reads incredibly boring books about dead people

392. killing each other with bayonets and typhoid,

393. but I know the truth.

394. I've watched Grand Designs with you.

395. That smile when some eco-glass

396. gets delayed on its way from Antwerp

397. and the nice couple gets pushed over budget.

398. That's the real you.

399. - It wasn't Antwerp, it was Freiburg.

400. - You're this pathetic human who likes Twirls

401. and Downton and Bond and burgers,

402. so don't come the big guy with me,

403. because it won't fucking wash.

404. - Mark, the embroidery is over.

405. It's back onto the gold, Rossetti and the seizures.

406. - I do want Octopussy and a Twirl,

407. but I'm not giving him the satisfaction.

408. Shall we? - After you.

409. - I'm interested.

410. - Well, if you're going to stick around,

411. you might want to get a book out.

412. - Yeah, well, I haven't got Mr. Nice with me.

413. - You're reading Mr. Nice again?

414. - There's a hell of a lot to it.

415. And when I read it I'm usually extremely high,

416. which makes it better,

417. but also means that I've forgotten most of it,

418. which is actually great because then it never gets boring.

419. Come on, nerd, raise the drawbridge.

420. King Jeremy's coming back to his castle.

421. Lovely and warm in here.

422. - Oh God, he's going for the thermostat.

423. - I take it you're a 23 degree guy, Terry.

424. - Jerry. - Whatever.

425. - Yes, I am. - Mm,

426. must be awkward for Mark.

427. He's a real 21 degree-er.

428. - The Aldi Poirot

429. with his CBBC magnifying glass.

430. - 23 versus 21, it's like Israel versus Palestine, isn't it?

431. The endless beef.

432. There's really no possible compromise.

433. - Mark and I often settle on 22.

434. - 22, yeah good, that's good.

435. Both one degree uncomfortable.

436. - Right, who wants a nice cup of the Kenco?

437. - Jerry said he doesn't want coffee.

438. He said he'd make his own later.

439. He said, like he was joking,

440. that your coffee tastes like horse piss.

441. But I don't think he was really joking.

442. - Try a bit harder, Jeremy.

443. - And then he hit me. - He did not hit you.

444. - Look, Mark, you need to face facts.

445. Jerry's a wanker.

446. Kick him out and kick me back in.

447. - No. - Why not?

448. - No reason.

449. - Is this the Dobby thing?

450. - No. - But is it?

451. - Of course it's the fucking Dobby thing.

452. - I knew it!

453. - You tried to profess your love to my girlfriend

454. who I was trying to propose to.

455. You fucked up my life!

456. - So, what do you want me to do?

457. - I want you to apologize.

458. - Fine!

459. Obviously, I think we're both

460. very sorry about what happened.

461. - No dice.

462. - I'm really, really sorry, Mark.

463. - Say it properly, Jeremy!

464. - I'm sorry.

465. - Nope. - Alright, fine.

466. I admit I shouldn't have come on your picnic.

467. - And? - What?

468. Look, I'm sorry, alright?

469. - Finally!

470. - And if you like, I'll lay it on with a trowel

471. and tell you how I like you.

472. - Oh, Jesus,

473. he's going to say he loves me.

474. - And even. - Apology accepted.

475. - Well, thank you.

476. - Come on, Mark!

477. We're into Kelmscott Manor and the Icelandic landscape!

478. - Maybe I do sometimes wonder about Jerry,

479. but I've made my bed, so I've just got to.

480. - Well, maybe I can help with that.

481. - What's he doing?

482. - Mark, look, if you're really

483. not into the William Morris doc, why don't we change gear?

484. - The Sopranos?

485. - Ruskin.

486. - Oh.

487. John Ruskin. - Art patron, draftsman,

488. watercolorist, and philanthropist.

489. Yeah, listen, I'm afraid

490. I have an announcement to make.

491. I've discovered that in order to keep himself interested

492. with all this garbage he pretends

493. to like, Jerry drugs his head off.

494. - Don't be pathetic.

495. - I saw you put something in your pocket.

496. I didn't like what I saw.

497. Coke, Mark.

498. Jerry is a cokehead who loves to take coke.

499. - No, you put that in there.

500. - I took it out, which is a very, very different thing.

501. - No, you put it in earlier.

502. You put it in at an earlier time.

503. - Oh, what a terrible thing to accuse me of.

504. - Come on, Mark.

505. Tell him to knack off

506. and we'll get down to some Ruskin and a-readin'.

507. - The thing is, Jerry,

508. I'm not sure I could live with a drug head.

509. - This is ridiculous, it's laughable.

510. Why are you trying to get rid of me, Mark?

511. You don't believe him.

512. - Maybe I'm not quite as interested in William Morris

513. as I thought I was when you first started

514. to go on about him.

515. - Why didn't you just say?

516. - I can't just say things, Jerry.

517. - What if I don't want to go?

518. - Well, we can't go back now.

519. The atmosphere is soured.

520. We have no choice. - No, I can live

521. in a sour atmosphere.

522. - Well, I can't. - Yes, you bloody can.

523. - Tough.

524. I'm going to go to my bedroom now,

525. and I will be coming and going as I please.

526. - What about going Litvinenko?

527. - Kill him?

528. With polonium? - Not full Litvinenko.

529. Just a little bit of something

530. debilitating in his pasta each night.

531. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic

532. and you can just scoop him up

533. like a sick whippet and dump him.

534. - Um. - You might quite like

535. tending him as he grows weaker and weaker.

536. - Here's your tea, Jerry.

537. God, you must get better soon.

538. - Oh, do sit up, Jerry, while I spoon

539. you some more of this slightly silvery porridge.

540. Should I keep my voice down? - No,

541. he's an irritatingly sound sleeper.

542. Earplugs and eye mask, the full blot.

543. - Well, we could start by just moving his stuff out.

544. - No, no, we couldn't.

545. Could we?

546. Okay, we're nearly there.

547. - Last two. - This doesn't feel good.

548. - It's fine, Mark.

549. It's like a prank.

550. - Oi oi.

551. How's the ethnic cleansing going?

552. - Hans? - I thought it might be a good

553. idea to have some backup.

554. - I owe Jez, he took a bullet for me.

555. You, you're a pure chrome dildo.

556. Solid.

557. - Okay, everything's out.

558. What now?

559. We could tie him to a hot air balloon.

560. Then he would drift away out of the window.

561. - Um. - You like that?

562. The hot air balloon?

563. Or punch him, Hans?

564. - What you looking at me for?

565. You punch him.

566. Maybe you could sit on him, intimidate him, yeah?

567. Fart on his face.

568. - Psychological warfare.

569. Yeah, grind him down.

570. Attack his beliefs. - Yeah.

571. That, plus we fart.

572. - What is this, farty Guantanamo?

573. No, I,

574. I think we have to wake him up,

575. just tell him to leave, like men.

576. Or, he is sort of bagged for our convenience.

577. - What? - We could just

578. bag him up and sling him out.

579. - I'm definitely going to agree to this.

580. I just need to put up an acceptable

581. level of objection so I can be all reproachful

582. if it proves to be a disaster,

583. which it almost certainly will.

584. No!

585. No way, no.

586. Well,

587. okay, but on your heads be it. - Bag him, Hans.

588. - Hey, hey,

589. hey, hey, hey! - I got him, he's bagged.

590. - You fucking, what's going on?

591. - Sorry, pal, you are surplus to requirements.

592. - Put him out.

593. I'm sorry, Jerry.

594. - Jez, I thought you were going to grab the other end.

595. That's the normal way. - The normal way?

596. - None of this is normal!

597. I've got a verbal contract!

598. - He doesn't,

599. you don't, Jerry. - Yes, I do!

600. Small claims court!

601. - I'm not part of this, Jerry.

602. - Put him in the lift, Hans. - The lift?

603. Fucking hell, you got a wheelbarrow?

604. - Why are you doing this, Mark?

605. - I want to read my Napoleon correspondence

606. and watch Storage Hunters.

607. Does that make me a bad person?

608. - Don't put me in the lift!

609. - Stop wriggling.

610. - Should I give him a kick?

611. - Don't kick him.

612. - Do not kick me! - Jerry, stay still.

613. This will all be over soon.

614. - I'm being kidnapped!

615. - All good here, it's just a prank.

616. It's hijinks.

617. We're the Croydon Bullingdon.

618. - It's not a prank!

619. - Shush, Jerry.

620. - I'm calling the police! - Shut it

621. or you're getting waterboarded.

622. - Do not bloody waterboard me!

623. - I warned you.

624. Waterboard!

625. - This is horrible.

626. You two, seriously, you need to take a look at yourselves.

627. - He's right, offensive behavior!

628. - In he goes.

629. - This is against the Geneva Convention!

630. I'm contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau!

631. - I'm back, baby. The bitch is back.

632. - Bye, Jerry.

633. See you at work tomorrow.