1. This programme contains
strong language.Copy !req
2. Oh, man, record company meeting.
Finally!Copy !req
3. Yeah, but we got to watch it.Copy !req
4. A lot of these bastards just want
to give you an advance,Copy !req
5. promote your stuff,
then make a profit for them and you.Copy !req
6. Yeah, but we've got an in.
Pej's sister's mate inCopy !req
7. the legal department. Once you're
inside legal, that's it. Game over.Copy !req
8. Jeremy. Super Hans. I'm Cally.Copy !req
9. Sorry I'm late,
mental in the office.Copy !req
10. I'm finishing off the
Chemical Brothers' contract.Copy !req
11. Chemical Brothers, wow.Copy !req
12. So, I checked out your stuff onCopy !req
13. MySpace and I literally freaked.
Big time.Copy !req
14. I was so right to get us on the
Internet. It's gonna be massive.Copy !req
15. I keep telling you.Copy !req
16. Yeah, we'll see.Copy !req
17. Plus, I love your name.Copy !req
18. We've changed the name.
We're now Kersey's Metal Hands.Copy !req
19. I like it.Copy !req
20. So, the good news is
Universal aren't interested.Copy !req
21. Oh.Copy !req
22. But, I'm looking to source
my own acts, branch out,Copy !req
23. and I'd love to sign you up.Copy !req
24. And the timing's perfect
because we're about to startCopy !req
25. a new financial year. Any questions?Copy !req
26. Yeah, there are certain countries
within the European UnionCopy !req
27. I'm barred from entering.
You got a problem with that?Copy !req
28. No.Copy !req
29. I'm a very sexual performer. Are
you gonna be able to handle that?Copy !req
30. Yes. So, I want a yes or no
right now. Take your time,Copy !req
31. but if there's a lot of fucking
about, that for me is a bad sign.Copy !req
32. Right, OK.
'Wow, we finally met the man.Copy !req
33. 'And the man is a woman,
and he's hot!'Copy !req
34. What do you think? Is she for real?Copy !req
35. I don't know.
It's hard to tell.Copy !req
36. She looks like how you might think
one of them might look like.Copy !req
37. We don't really know
anything about her.Copy !req
38. She scares me.Copy !req
39. I don't trust her.Copy !req
40. Let's fucking go for it!Copy !req
41. Great night out.
You guys know how to celebrate.Copy !req
42. 'God, we're so horny. We're likeCopy !req
43. 'a pair of porn stars who aren't on
antidepressants or anything.'Copy !req
44. So, this is where the magic happens.Copy !req
45. That's right.Copy !req
46. And you're the magician...Copy !req
47. I guess so.
I'm a bit magic.Copy !req
48. Would you be able to
show me some magic?Copy !req
49. 'OK, here we go. God, we are
so hot after the cab. I wonderCopy !req
50. 'if I'll be able to do all the
stuff she was whispering in my ear.Copy !req
51. 'Might need a good foothold
somewhere or a harness.Copy !req
52. 'Is this a good idea?
Drunk sex with my new manager?Copy !req
53. 'Yeah, it's probably a good idea.Copy !req
54. 'There'd only be a problem
if there were complications.Copy !req
55. 'There aren't going to
be complications. Relax!Copy !req
56. 'Wow, this is definitely happening.Copy !req
57. 'OK, got to focus.
It's very important forCopy !req
58. 'my future career development
that I give my manager an orgasm.'Copy !req
59. Stop dicking around,
Jeremy, let's get going!Copy !req
60. 'I'd like a bit more foreplayCopy !req
61. 'but apparently I have to perform
on demand.Copy !req
62. 'Don't be bitter,
this has got to be great.Copy !req
63. 'Brilliant sex then novelty
bong then watch a film together.Copy !req
64. 'If Mark's got around to buying
a new SCART lead, that is.Copy !req
65. 'Maybe if we got another SCART lead,
I could use it to plug the digiboxCopy !req
66. 'in with the VHS player,
record straight onto that.Copy !req
67. 'Or, I could use the analogue
aerial into the video and off that,Copy !req
68. 'maybe switch around...'Copy !req
69. Jeremy.Copy !req
70. Yeah?Copy !req
71. Do you think this is going well?Copy !req
72. Y... yes?Copy !req
73. Nope, it's not really working.Copy !req
74. Oh, I thought it was.Copy !req
75. What's working about it?Copy !req
76. Well, now we're talking about it,Copy !req
77. it is maybe withering under
the lights a little bit.Copy !req
78. Let's not kid ourselves,
there's nothing going on here.Copy !req
79. We're just two planks of wood
rubbing against each other.Copy !req
80. You think?
If you want, I could put a finger...Copy !req
81. Let's just forget this ever happened
and get some shuteye, yeah?Copy !req
82. Oh, OK.Copy !req
83. 'This is like the time I made
Mark turn that boring DVD offCopy !req
84. 'in the middle. The Killing Fields.
This is probably how he felt.Copy !req
85. 'Frustrated and horny.'Copy !req
86. 'Jeremy's getting a manager,
I'm getting divorced.Copy !req
87. 'Maybe he'll end up happy
and successful and I won't.Copy !req
88. 'That would be typical.
I do everything society demandsCopy !req
89. 'and die in a ditch,Copy !req
90. 'he sits on his arse and accidentally
shits a golden egg.'Copy !req
91. You must be Mark.
I'm Cally, got any OJ?Copy !req
92. Yeah, I think there's
some in the fridge.Copy !req
93. 'Oh, Jesus, hope I'm not wearing the
boxers with the button missing.Copy !req
94. 'Don't think so, I have coverage.'Copy !req
95. Tropicana, nice, screw
the rest, get the best.Copy !req
96. I like Original, Jeremy prefers
Smooth, but I'm the one buying.Copy !req
97. Don't tell me he's a smooth
peanut butter man too?Copy !req
98. That's right.
It isn't as good, is it?Copy !req
99. 'Is there a button there?Copy !req
100. 'Sitting's gonna pull
the thing wide open if not.Copy !req
101. 'Maybe it's sexy.
Little glimpse of ballsack.'Copy !req
102. My date tomorrow night's cancelled
on me. He's back with his ex.Copy !req
103. But I thought...
Aren't you and Jeremy...?Copy !req
104. Oh, Jeremy and I aren't dating,Copy !req
105. we're strictly business.
Aren't we, Jeremy?Copy !req
106. Um... yeah.Copy !req
107. He's great, but he's
really not my type.Copy !req
108. Jeremy's the kind of guy who talks
the talk, but when it comes downCopy !req
109. to it, he's just never gonna
deliver the goods. Isn't that right?Copy !req
110. It's so frustrating.Copy !req
111. There must be thousands of cash rich
and time poor singles out there.Copy !req
112. I just don't have
the time to meet them.Copy !req
113. I'm a gap in the market.
Somebody fill me!Copy !req
114. 'I'll fill you!
I love you, Cally, you are the one!Copy !req
115. 'Let's get married by
Sir Alan Sugar and live offCopy !req
116. 'all-butter croissants
in Canary Wharf!'Copy !req
117. Better make a move. So, Jez, good
news. I'm sending them a CD,Copy !req
118. but looks like you're playing
the new Axe Tent at Festivus.Copy !req
119. Really? Festivus!Copy !req
120. I'm playing
the Wolverhampton Festivus.Copy !req
121. Oh my God, Mark, I'm in the money.Copy !req
122. Everything's gonna be all right,
I am going to be a legend.Copy !req
123. And you and all of this depressing
shit will just be a little footnoteCopy !req
124. in the massive biog of how rich
and fucked up I eventually became!Copy !req
125. Oh, man,
we're actually going on tour.Copy !req
126. It's gonna be brutal. On the way
here I was almost wishingCopy !req
127. I was gonna get hit by a bus.
Put my body safe, so I didn'tCopy !req
128. have to suffer the pure fucking
hell I'm gonna put it through.Copy !req
129. What stash have you brought?Copy !req
130. What, you kidding? A band
does not take a stash to a fest.Copy !req
131. You are a VI motherhumping P.Copy !req
132. Just open your gob and someone
will slip in something tasty.Copy !req
133. A pill, a nipple,
bit of fried halloumi, lovely!Copy !req
134. Cool. What's those? Something
a bit red hot for down time?Copy !req
135. Don't pigeonhole me, dude.Copy !req
136. Barchester Chronicles.Copy !req
137. Ecclesiastical politics
when you're high.Copy !req
138. These guys really knew how to do
a fucking number on each other.Copy !req
139. Hello, hello.
Room for one more?Copy !req
140. No. What?Copy !req
141. Managed to get a couple of days offCopy !req
142. round the weekend.
So thought I'd tag along.Copy !req
143. But, no, Mark. We're going on tour.Copy !req
144. We're going to get fucked up, monged
out and messed up and dipped over.Copy !req
145. We wanna wallow in
our own filth, Mark.Copy !req
146. Have a good old fucking wallow.Copy !req
147. But I've bought
a tour jacket especially.Copy !req
148. It's leather. It has lapels
so I can wear it to work.Copy !req
149. Yeah, if you start
working for the Gestapo.Copy !req
150. Look, man, we're a rock band, yeah?Copy !req
151. If people see us hanging out with
a doink like you, not being rude...Copy !req
152. You are being rude.Copy !req
153. .. then that takes away a hell
of a lot of our credibility.Copy !req
154. You got a bloody suitcase on wheels.Copy !req
155. Real men don't get the earth to help
carry their luggage, mate.Copy !req
156. They carry it themselves.Copy !req
157. This is because of Cally, isn't it?Copy !req
158. That's why you want to come. You're
trying to have a pop at the champ.Copy !req
159. No, not at all. I've always been a
big supporter of you and your music.Copy !req
160. Please, Jez. I'm getting divorced,
I need something to pep me up.Copy !req
161. I could do with a roadie.Copy !req
162. Someone to pick
the lovelies after the gig.Copy !req
163. Hump the gear.
Sniff out the street chat.Copy !req
164. Exactly. Drugs, birds, and physical
labour. Them's me specialties.Copy !req
165. All right, you can come, but
all the time while we're on tour,Copy !req
166. you will need to shut up. All right?Copy !req
167. 'Look at her go. Two phones,
spare battery for her Blackberry.Copy !req
168. 'No "I'm out of juice bullshit"Copy !req
169. 'from her!
She is so the one.'Copy !req
170. So, guys, good news about Festivus.Copy !req
171. They listened to your CD and they
loved itCopy !req
172. and now they don't want you
to play the Fest.Copy !req
173. What?Copy !req
174. And the brilliant thing is,
I've pulled in a massive favourCopy !req
175. and I've got you on the bill
at Life '08 -Copy !req
176. one of the fastest growing
Christian rock festivals out.Copy !req
177. Christian?Copy !req
178. You've booked us to
play a Jesus fest?Copy !req
179. It's a great circuit to get on.Copy !req
180. What do you think, Jez?
It is still a fest.Copy !req
181. Yeah, but we're cool.
We've got credibility.Copy !req
182. But if we play a Jesus gig,
we'll be selling our souls.Copy !req
183. Yeah, but Jesus is the best person
to sell your soul to.Copy !req
184. That's his whole set up.Copy !req
185. I vote you go for it.Copy !req
186. Well, I vote no. Let's call it off.Copy !req
187. OK, one V one. Mark?Copy !req
188. Well, from a business
point of view...Copy !req
189. "Well,
from a business point of view!"Copy !req
190. Since when did the roadie
have voting rights?Copy !req
191. I don't come round to your work and
tell you how to run your sweat shopsCopy !req
192. in Burma. Keep your beak out.Copy !req
193. Super Hans, looks like
you've got the casting vote.Copy !req
194. Executioner's Bong did
a bit of Christo.Copy !req
195. Now they all live in a fuck-off
bungalow in Fort LauderdaleCopy !req
196. eating cherry pie and banging
cheerleaders. I'm in.Copy !req
197. I think you made the right decision.Copy !req
198. "I think you made
the right decision!"Copy !req
199. Jeremy, we agreed not to do
the funny voices after That Week.Copy !req
200. Drink, drink, drink, drink!Copy !req
201. 'Two litres of supermarket cola.
I'd like to see Sting do this.'Copy !req
202. Drink, drink, drink!Copy !req
203. That is one serious
caffeine injection, my friend.Copy !req
204. Yeah, man. It's not such a drag
the fest being strictlyCopy !req
205. drink and drugs free after all,
is it?Copy !req
206. Word up.
But we still get monged.Copy !req
207. Just have to use our imagination.Copy !req
208. What are you... Hans, are you?Copy !req
209. Head rush.Copy !req
210. Safe!Copy !req
211. Hi, could you give my mate's
CD to your record company?Copy !req
212. 'Hm, sexy Christian disciples.'Copy !req
213. Groupies. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
214. She's not really a groupie.Copy !req
215. She spoke to the group,
she's a groupie.Copy !req
216. Hey, hold on, girls,Copy !req
217. we're gonna make a spliff out of
nutmeg and banana peel.Copy !req
218. Plus, the shit under my fingernails
probably got loads of gear in it.Copy !req
219. It's great they're doing this.
You know the download market aloneCopy !req
220. for Christian rock is
estimated at 40 million plus.Copy !req
221. I actually put together
a bit of research.Copy !req
222. Wow, ringbinding, laminated cover,Copy !req
223. copyright symbol,
I'm impressed, Mark. Thank you.Copy !req
224. This is interesting.Copy !req
225. Tell me what you thought of
the rehearsal today. Honestly.Copy !req
226. Actually, one thing did occur.Copy !req
227. Not wanting to be horrible to Jeremy
but Super Hans did seem more likeCopy !req
228. the kind of person you'd expect to
see in a band like this.Copy !req
229. He's fuckable.Copy !req
230. I'm sorry?Copy !req
231. It's an industry term, it means
someone might want to fuck him.Copy !req
232. Interesting. Forefront
Super Hans, sideline Jeremy.Copy !req
233. No, I didn't mean... I just meant...Copy !req
234. I thought you were a business brain
but you're better than that.Copy !req
235. You're what my grandma would
call a real piece of shit.Copy !req
236. Yeah?Copy !req
237. It's a great plan.Copy !req
238. Hans is the star, Jeremy's a
second stringer. Let's fuck him.Copy !req
239. That's our dick, that's Jeremy's
arsehole, we're fucking him.Copy !req
240. Look, Cally,
we don't have a shared dick.Copy !req
241. Not yet, anyway.Copy !req
242. How do you mean?Copy !req
243. Do you want to date?
Are you a dater?Copy !req
244. I have been out with women.Copy !req
245. Friend of mine's doing a little talk
over at a hippie shop in Ludlow,Copy !req
246. said I might pop in. Wanna come?Copy !req
247. OK. Sure.Copy !req
248. 'Wow, I've got a date.Copy !req
249. 'I'm a real piece of shit.Copy !req
250. 'I bet those two things go hand in
hand. Bet if I got into defraudingCopy !req
251. 'pensioners the pussy would
really start rolling in.'Copy !req
252. Oh my God.Copy !req
253. I'm so embarrassed
I brought you to this.Copy !req
254. Past life regression -
what a load of bullshit!Copy !req
255. It's fine, it was fun.Copy !req
256. People always say they were
Napoleon or an Aztec princess.Copy !req
257. Come on, guys, where are
all the Chinese peasants,Copy !req
258. where are the German toilet cleaners?Copy !req
259. 'God, I can't believe I'm
dating someone I really like.Copy !req
260. 'I've done it right!
I've done it right for once!'Copy !req
261. Hey, check out the crystal skulls.Copy !req
262. Oh God!Copy !req
263. I've read loads of books about them.Copy !req
264. 'She's funny.'Copy !req
265. They were probably crafted by
the ancient inhabitants of AtlantisCopy !req
266. and they're powerful
centres of healing.Copy !req
267. 'Is she still joking?'Copy !req
268. Oh, right, fascinating... theory.Copy !req
269. Oh, come on, Mark, the other
stuff, no, but the skulls -Copy !req
270. how could you possibly make one of
these except by some kind of magic?Copy !req
271. In a factory? From glass?Copy !req
272. Oh, sure, come on!
Could you make that?Copy !req
273. No.Copy !req
274. Could anyone?Copy !req
275. Yes.Copy !req
276. Look, Mark, this is important to me.Copy !req
277. If we're going anywhere,
I need you to tell meCopy !req
278. you believe in crystal skulls.Copy !req
279. 'Please don't make me believe in
them!'Copy !req
280. Do you believe?Copy !req
281. I do believe in crystal skulls.Copy !req
282. And what do you believe about them?Copy !req
283. I believe that they were crafted by
the ancient inhabitants of AtlantisCopy !req
284. and that they're
powerful centres of healing.Copy !req
285. Yeah, that wasn't so hard, was it?Copy !req
286. 'Sorry, science, sorry,
enlightenment.Copy !req
287. 'Sorry, logic.'Copy !req
288. 'Well, that was great.Copy !req
289. 'Apart from the crystal skull sending
out its invisible rays of bullshit,Copy !req
290. 'I think that might be my
best ever sexual experience!'Copy !req
291. OK, I think we have to have a talk.
About the whole thing.Copy !req
292. I'm sorry, the whole...?Copy !req
293. The whole sexual experience.Copy !req
294. I have to say
that was very disappointing.Copy !req
295. Oh, right.Copy !req
296. I don't mean to be rude but is that
the kind of thing you usually do?Copy !req
297. Well, I suppose...Copy !req
298. What exactly did I do wrong?Copy !req
299. Well, it was better
than with Jeremy though.Copy !req
300. With Jeremy, I had to
stop him in the middle.Copy !req
301. You stopped Jeremy in the middle?Copy !req
302. Sorry, is this weird for you?
Do you want to know?Copy !req
303. I do, a bit.Copy !req
304. He's like a red setter
bounding after a tennis ball.Copy !req
305. You're like a captain solemnly
going down with his ship.Copy !req
306. Well, that's good to know.Copy !req
307. But we can try again as long as
you're preparedCopy !req
308. for me to tell you exactly
what to do.Copy !req
309. That could be a good system.Copy !req
310. OK, now I'm gonna take your handCopy !req
311. and put it... there.
Are you OK with that?Copy !req
312. Yep.Copy !req
313. Now, I want you to move
your hand around like this,Copy !req
314. you can do that, right, it's easy.Copy !req
315. Not a problem.Copy !req
316. 'Is this humiliating?Copy !req
317. 'It is a bit humiliating.Copy !req
318. 'I guess the upside is that what I
was doing before was humiliatingCopy !req
319. 'in a way I wasn't even aware of.'Copy !req
320. OK, good!
Let's begin the sex!Copy !req
321. I'll drive.Copy !req
322. 'Oh my God, this is brilliant!Copy !req
323. 'I'm a sex robot servicing the one.Copy !req
324. 'I always wondered what my fetish was
and it seems what truly turns me onCopy !req
325. 'is being basically
absent for most of the sex act.'Copy !req
326. 'Look at them all, the Christians.Copy !req
327. 'It's not fair. I could be that happy
if I believed a lot of rubbish.'Copy !req
328. So listen, Hans and I had a big chat
and we're really into your idea.Copy !req
329. What idea?Copy !req
330. Getting rid of Jeremy.Copy !req
331. That wasn't... My idea was more
throw a bit more light on HansCopy !req
332. and maybe give Jez a tambourine.Copy !req
333. Look, imagine
you have a chocolate barCopy !req
334. and half of it was made
of delicious milk chocolateCopy !req
335. and the other half
was made of human shit,Copy !req
336. wouldn't you just break
off the half made of shit?Copy !req
337. I really don't think
that's a fair analogy.Copy !req
338. 'Is that Jeremy?Copy !req
339. 'Is he getting baptised?Copy !req
340. 'I can't let him out
'of my sight for a minute!'Copy !req
341. Damn, the contract, the
Chemicals have read the appendix.Copy !req
342. I need to get on this.
I've got to get back.Copy !req
343. Look, would you do me a huge oneCopy !req
344. and tell Jeremy
he's not playing tonight?Copy !req
345. What?Copy !req
346. No! It's not my job, you're
the manager. I'm just a roadie.Copy !req
347. It'll be better coming from you.Copy !req
348. You'll say better lies
about him not being terrible.Copy !req
349. Plus, I might not make the gig.
Pick you up at five.Copy !req
350. 'God, I'm the messenger.
Somebody please shoot the messenger!'Copy !req
351. Hey, Mark! I just got baptised.Copy !req
352. This is Ronnie, he was my baptiser.
Thanks, Ronnie.Copy !req
353. Peace be with you, Jeremy.Copy !req
354. Yeah, peace be with you too, Ronnie.Copy !req
355. The organisers were pretty keen for
me to get it done before the show.Copy !req
356. Initially I was a bit iffy
but then I thought,Copy !req
357. you know, gig in front
of hundreds of people, fuck it!Copy !req
358. Plus, there's like maybe a 1% chanceCopy !req
359. that the whole Jesus thing
could be true. Sorry, Ronnie.Copy !req
360. In which case, I've got something to
pull out the bag on Judgment Day.Copy !req
361. Yes... right.Copy !req
362. 'Just walk him into the car park and
shoot him in the back of the head.Copy !req
363. 'I'm Tony Soprano,
he's an FBI stripper.'Copy !req
364. I'm really looking forward
to the gig tonight after all.Copy !req
365. If Super Hans is into it,
then I'm into it.Copy !req
366. Everything's finally
coming together,Copy !req
367. everything's finally,
definitely gonna be OK!Copy !req
368. 'Oh God, he's on a raft,
floating towards Niagara Falls,Copy !req
369. 'flicking through Heat magazine
with one hand down his trousers.Copy !req
370. 'I've got to tell him.'Copy !req
371. Look, Jez.Copy !req
372. There's something I need to tell you.Copy !req
373. It's not good news.Copy !req
374. Cally told me...Copy !req
375. She and Super Hans, they want...Copy !req
376. You're out of the band.Copy !req
377. Me, out of the band?Copy !req
378. What the fuck?Copy !req
379. 'Might slip this one under the rug
while he's still reeling.'Copy !req
380. Yeah, cos we're going out,
and she told me she'd had this idea,Copy !req
381. and I said, "No, don't."
That's literally what I said...Copy !req
382. You're screwing Cally?Copy !req
383. I'm out of the band?Copy !req
384. They can't just do
this to me, can they?Copy !req
385. 'Seemed to get away
with the Cally thing.'Copy !req
386. Well, you'll have
to break up with her.Copy !req
387. What? Oh...Copy !req
388. No, Jez.Copy !req
389. She's trying to shaft me, Mark.Copy !req
390. You've got to dump her,
it's a no-brainer.Copy !req
391. It is not a no-brainer.
I'll have to think about it.Copy !req
392. It's a brainer, it's a real brainer.
See, the thing is...Copy !req
393. I don't think I've ever
done sex right before.Copy !req
394. You're fine, mate.
Just stick with missionary.Copy !req
395. You're a sexual civilian.
Leave the disgusting stuff to me.Copy !req
396. Cally's teaching me.Copy !req
397. She... She gives me second-by-secondCopy !req
398. detailed instructions of
what to put where for how long.Copy !req
399. That's cheating.Copy !req
400. Anyone can please a woman
if she tells you what to do.Copy !req
401. You're not allowed to ask,
that's the whole point.Copy !req
402. Look, if I break up with her,Copy !req
403. I don't see myself
having good sex ever again.Copy !req
404. Unless I'm, like,
going on holiday to HawaiiCopy !req
405. and the plane crashes
and all my fellow survivorsCopy !req
406. are women sex therapists
on their way to a conference.Copy !req
407. Even then, there'll probably be loads
of male sex therapists there too,Copy !req
408. and they'd love that,
wouldn't they?Copy !req
409. All fucking each other
and giving each other tipsCopy !req
410. while I sit on a rock,
wanking and crying.Copy !req
411. Yeah, all right, man, whatever.
Let's talk to Hans.Copy !req
412. If we can get him onsideCopy !req
413. maybe you can keep
your pathetic nookie lessons going.Copy !req
414. So, did Cally tell you
about her and me much?Copy !req
415. No. God, no. Don't worry.
Nothing like that.Copy !req
416. 'She stopped him in the middle!
I'll save that for a rainy day.Copy !req
417. 'That's money in the bank.'Copy !req
418. Right, what the fuck's going on?Copy !req
419. Where's Cally?Copy !req
420. Why have you got drugs?Copy !req
421. Cally came through
with a bit of herbCopy !req
422. the Christos keep on the down-low.Copy !req
423. Bishop weed.Copy !req
424. Cally told Mark I'm out of the band.
What the hell's going on?Copy !req
425. It's a disgrace.
I'm cut up about it.Copy !req
426. I told Cally, I said, "For me,
this is almost a resigning matter."Copy !req
427. Right. So, are you gonna walk?Copy !req
428. Almost did, mate.Copy !req
429. Almost fucking did.
I kicked off big time.Copy !req
430. But then I thought,
"Maybe I can work from the inside.Copy !req
431. "No point both of us getting
kicked out of the band."Copy !req
432. But we are the band.Copy !req
433. Look, all I'm hearing
is that you're out of the band.Copy !req
434. That's what everyone's saying,
that's all I'm hearing.Copy !req
435. "Jez is out the band."Copy !req
436. Now you're saying it.Copy !req
437. I'm quoting. Look, man.
I'm really gutted,Copy !req
438. but me and Tara want to kick back
with a bit of Barchester.Copy !req
439. So maybe you should fuck off.Copy !req
440. Right. If that's
the way it is, fine.Copy !req
441. Can I take a bit of drugs?Copy !req
442. Love to, mate. Love to.Copy !req
443. But this is all mine and I
want it all, so... Got to be a no.Copy !req
444. Fucking hell.Copy !req
445. Maybe it's for the best, though, Jez.Copy !req
446. Maybe solo you can do all the
things you've always wanted.Copy !req
447. That rap thing with Howard Marks.Copy !req
448. I've got to talk to Cally,
talk her round.Copy !req
449. You can be my spin-doctor,
tell her why I'm brilliant,Copy !req
450. why I'm so essential to the band.Copy !req
451. OK, sure.Copy !req
452. Just remind me again
why you are so brilliant?Copy !req
453. I mean, I know why
but it's good to have soundbites.Copy !req
454. Cally? Cally?Copy !req
455. No, Jeremy, you can't just...Copy !req
456. 'Shit. He's entering the chamber, the
sacred chamber of satisfactory sex.'Copy !req
457. Jeremy, let's just go.Copy !req
458. Or you could leave her
a very frank note.Copy !req
459. Or...Copy !req
460. We could piss on something.Copy !req
461. No, Jez.Copy !req
462. Yes, Mark. Come on, it's all fucked.Copy !req
463. This is rock'n'roll. She
screwed me over, now it's her turn.Copy !req
464. Let's fuck this place up.
We're the hammer of the gods!Copy !req
465. 'Oh yeah, take that, teabag tin.'Copy !req
466. Jez, no!Copy !req
467. She smashed my dreams,
let's smash her caravan!Copy !req
468. Come on!Copy !req
469. 'I could make the best of it,
go for a freebie on the skull.Copy !req
470. 'He'll get the blame, I'll
bank mate points. I'm golden.Copy !req
471. 'Ha ha! Unlucky, pal. I win!'Copy !req
472. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
473. 'The revenge of Atlantis.'Copy !req
474. Oh, this feels good.Copy !req
475. This just feels so right, you know?Copy !req
476. Jez, how long are you gonna keep
going with the orgy of destruction?Copy !req
477. Cos I'd rather not be here
when she turns up.Copy !req
478. Oh, yeah, man. No, you go.
I'm gonna stay.Copy !req
479. I'm gonna see the look on her face.Copy !req
480. No-one screws with the Jez man.Copy !req
481. 'Hope she's not too upset.Copy !req
482. 'Fuck it, if it's healing powers
are so legendary, it can fix itself.'Copy !req
483. 'Christian security?Copy !req
484. 'What's he gonna do,
excommunicate me?Copy !req
485. 'Yeah, this is gonna be good.
Rub her double-crossing face in it.'Copy !req
486. Jez, I've been looking
for you everywhere.Copy !req
487. I'm sure you have.Copy !req
488. I got a call from Super Hans.
He's having an ego attack.Copy !req
489. He's driving to Festivus
with all the windows down,Copy !req
490. shouting his own name.Copy !req
491. Reckons he's gonna make a supergroup
out of Hard-Fi and Kaiser Chiefs.Copy !req
492. He's talked about that before.Copy !req
493. So the thing is,
do you want to play the gig, solo?Copy !req
494. Well, yes!Copy !req
495. Brilliant. So, let's talk set lists.Copy !req
496. There's something you should know.Copy !req
497. 'Am I actually gonna do this?'Copy !req
498. Mark. He went mental.Copy !req
499. Oh, my God!Copy !req
500. It's a mess.Copy !req
501. What the hell happened?Copy !req
502. Yeah, this is classic Mark,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
503. He does this sort of thing
the whole time.Copy !req
504. He's passive aggressive. He won't
say anything, he just smashes.Copy !req
505. But my skull, my crystal skull!Copy !req
506. Yeah. He hates the skulls.Copy !req
507. He smashed it and then cut
his hand in a kind of mad fury.Copy !req
508. God, how could he?Copy !req
509. Well, he hates being told
what to do in bed.Copy !req
510. He hates you
for pushing me out of the band.Copy !req
511. I was, like, "Dude, these things
happen." But he was like, "No!"Copy !req
512. That's when he did the eggs.Copy !req
513. Really?Copy !req
514. Yeah. He's weird,
twisted, vindictive.Copy !req
515. He draws horrible cartoons of youCopy !req
516. and then wraps them up
in sausage meatCopy !req
517. and calls you a sausage-muncher.Copy !req
518. Jesus!Copy !req
519. On the bright side,
he wanted to shit on the sofa,Copy !req
520. but I managed to stop him.Copy !req
521. 'First proper gig.Copy !req
522. 'Dicked over Mark, but that's fine.Copy !req
523. 'This is worth it.
He's what it's all about.Copy !req
524. 'He's having a great time.'Copy !req
525. 'Ah, there she is.Copy !req
526. 'Leaving with the one.Copy !req
527. 'Not a bad weekend, all told.Copy !req
528. 'Got myself a girlfriend,
had the best sex of my life,Copy !req
529. 'did my bit to delay the
dawning of the Age of AquariusCopy !req
530. 'with my trusty friend,
the house brick.Copy !req
531. 'She's giving me the finger.Copy !req
532. 'The one is giving me the finger.Copy !req
533. 'Ah, yes, that's more like it.
The one is gone.Copy !req
534. 'The familiar gut-punch of pain
and confusion is back.Copy !req
535. 'Hello, old friend.'Copy !req