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3. Plus it was so cold and wet and boring
in the outfield.
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4. I don't think I've ever seen
a ball that slippery.
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5. It was a difficult catch, Mark.
I wouldn't worry. And it's just softball.
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6. 'This is it. All systems are go.
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7. 'The apple is ripe,
the cross hairs are centralised. '
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8. Soph, I was... wondering.
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9. Do you... like Indonesian food?
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10. Erm, Thai, I quite like...
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11. 'I can't do it. It's too much.
I'm not American. I can't... date.
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12. 'Restaurant on a barge?
I might as well propose.
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13. 'The pub. That's the English way. '
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14. Why?
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15. Oh, just... Nothing.
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16. Everyone's going to the pub.
You want to...?
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17. The work gang? I don't think so.
Mind if I get changed?
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18. Oh, no, no. Not at all.
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19. 'Oh, my God. She's taking off her top.
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20. 'This is very promising. Or is it...?
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21. 'Would she do this if she fancied me?
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22. 'Maybe we're... Oh, God, no, no.
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23. 'We're only bloody friends! '
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24. And she gave me
a peck on the cheek. It's a nightmare!
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25. - Mm-hm.
- I've got to close the deal,
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26. ask her out without asking her out.
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27. One step forward, two steps back -
that's the key.
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28. - Mm. Yeah.
- So how was your day?
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29. Oh, fine. Kind of weird.
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30. Mum rang to say
that my Uncle Ray is a bit ill.
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31. - Yeah? Is it serious?
- Dunno.
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32. He's in the hospice
so I guess he's being looked after.
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33. Hospice? You... Jez, you know
what a hospice is, don't you?
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34. Like a hospital but nicer.
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35. A hospice is where people go to...
Who... are terminally ill.
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36. Oh. Right.
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37. Yeah, Mum said he was... what you said.
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38. I'm sure he'll be fine. He's not a quitter.
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39. Well, I have to say, probably not, mate.
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40. Probably not.
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41. No, he won't quit. Do you know
what I fancy now? Some Good Life.
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42. Where's more Good Life?
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43. - '? Sail away, sail away...? '
- Are you going to give him a call?
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44. Ray? No. No.
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45. He'll have people calling him
night and day, probably sick of it.
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46. I thought probably best
to give him some peace and quiet.
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47. - '... inside... '
- You should call him.
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48. 'My stomach's in my mouth
and I think, "This isn't good. "'
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49. Good to see you, Uncle Ray.
What you been up to?
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50. Mostly I've been lying in bed
taking painkillers.
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51. Right. Cool.
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52. 'Jesus, that wasn't very friendly.
At least I came. '
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53. So, Ray,
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54. Jez tells me you worked on the force.
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55. That's right, Mark. 30 years.
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56. Blimey.
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57. So must be nice getting a bit of support
from your police mates.
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58. The force. You can trust the force,
can't you?
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59. - Yeah.
- 'What's this?
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60. 'This is meant to be my visit.
He's hijacking my visit. '
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61. Mostly they just eat me wine gums...
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62. 'Come on, say something. Something
not about dying. Something inspiring. '
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63. Yeah.
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64. People can be so funny
when it comes to illness, can't they?
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65. I mean, it's good that you, you know...
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66. Yeah, that's the one upside
of this whole thing.
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67. Rediscovered that little guy with the
crown of thorns and the big old heart.
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68. Yeah, that's really...
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69. a great thing to have, a faith.
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70. Yeah.
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71. Oh, yeah.
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72. Yeah.
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73. 'That's nice. Ray's such a nice guy.
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74. 'What a shame everything he believes
is total rubbish. '
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75. OK, well, thanks for calling, Mum.
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76. OK, I will. Bye.
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77. Has it...?
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78. - Ray's dead.
- Oh, man, I'm sorry.
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79. Uncle Ray.
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80. Football, ciggies.
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81. He was gonna make me a bow and arrow
that could go through a dustbin.
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82. He never did, of course, but... wow.
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83. Shall I... turn over?
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84. Yeah. Maybe some Newsnight
or something.
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85. I mean, I wish... maybe
the family could come together.
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86. We could campaign against...
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87. or for something.
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88. Maybe a foundation.
The Ray Foundation,
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89. - for Christians and coppers.
- That's a nice idea.
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90. Something positive's
got to come out of all this.
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91. Something.
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92. I guess I just need some comfort.
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93. Why does it have to happen?
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94. Why does death happen?
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95. Shit, I don't even know
which day the binmen come.
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96. 'This is pretty low.
Milking Uncle Ray to get a...
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97. 'Hey, I'm feeling bad.
Why not get some nooky out of it? '
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98. I just feel so alone, you know?
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99. Sure. It's like after Tony left,
I thought, "This is it, everything's over. "
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100. But then I thought, "Hey, no, sort it out. "
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101. - Buy a juicer.
- Right. But Toni...
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102. You'd better go.
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103. Classified dates
can be uptight about times.
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104. Go. But I really feel that tonight,
I need someone to...
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105. Jeremy, this is a hot one.
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106. He's six foot, he loves movies and walks,
and we totally clicked on the phone.
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107. 'How can she be this heartless to
someone who's as upset as I say I am?
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108. 'Maybe I am as upset as I say I am,
it's just coming out weird. '
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109. Toni, listen, nothing could make me feel
better about Ray's death.
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110. Except maybe one thing could.
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111. Look, Jeremy, death happens,
people die. Move on.
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112. My dad died when I was three
but it didn't screw me up.
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113. 'Right. '
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114. I don't waste my life looking for a man
to fill a dad-shaped hole.
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115. 'It's perfect.
Big social occasion but no invites.
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116. 'It's not a date but it is.
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117. 'What if it all goes right, though?
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118. 'What about my massive, freakish balls?
Don't get ahead of yourself. '
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119. - Hey, Soph.
- Hey, Mark, how's it going?
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120. Well, actually,
things have been a bit tough.
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121. - Jeremy's uncle passed away yesterday.
- Oh, no.
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122. - Oh, that is difficult. Is he OK?
- Yeah, bearing up.
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123. But listen, Sophie, I wanted to ask you,
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124. might you be free on Friday?
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125. - For the funeral?
- The funeral?
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126. 'Oh, no, shit.
It's not perfect, it's cracked. Piss. '
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127. You don't have to.
I just thought it might be nice if...
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128. No, I'd be honoured.
If you want a friend to go, then...
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129. No, no, not friend. No. As a kind of... date.
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130. I thought afterwards, if you like,
we could go somewhere.
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131. - Won't there be a wake?
- Somewhere like the wake.
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132. Sure. Great.
Erm, er, if that's OK, I'm invited?
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133. That's the beauty. No invites at a funeral.
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134. Right.
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135. "As Jonno let rip
with the stolen Kalashnikov
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136. "and Squarehead fired off
a round of monkey puzzler,
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137. "I looked at the towel-head I'd slotted... "
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138. 'Where did they get this guy?
This is a freak show.
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139. 'Why am I even here? Why is she here? '
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140. "I didn't stop to think about it long.
We all get slotted sometime. "
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141. Thanks, Keith.
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142. Scorpio Patrol,
Real Life Behind Enemy Lines.
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143. One of my brother's favourites.
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144. Now, whilst no one would suggest
that the faith Ray claimed to find
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145. in those last weeks was only a product...
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146. 'I'm glad we stopped going
to Liz's for Christmas.
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147. "'Thanks for the Fairtrade nuts, Auntie. "
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148. 'She's loving this. What a stitch-up. '
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149. Now, in the humanist ceremony
at this point,
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150. we like to encourage anyone
who wants to share a thought or memory
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151. or reflection about my brother,
to speak up.
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152. 'Words... coming. '
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153. 'Hey, yeah. OK.
The sympathy vote. '
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154. 'I'm gonna blow this gaff
wide open. '
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155. Er, yeah.
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156. I spent some time with Ray
before he... went.
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157. And I just wanted to say
that I think we should all remember
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158. that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus.
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159. Now, I know, Liz,
there's no proof for Jesus,
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160. but then there's no proof
for lots of things
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161. like... science or... the stock market.
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162. And we believe in them.
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163. Look, what I'm trying to say is that,
if I was dying, and I decided that
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164. even though I'd never
particularly been into, say...
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165. Enya before
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166. but that now I really, really was into Enya
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167. and that in fact I thought Enya was great
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168. and that Enya died for our sins
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169. and I wanted an Enya-themed funeral
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170. with pictures of Enya
and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya,
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171. then I think it would be
a bit bloody rich for my sister
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172. to ban all mention of Enya
from my funeral.
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173. Yeah?
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174. 'Well done, Jez, old mate.
You did him proud.
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175. ' Oh, poor Ray.
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176. 'He's in there,
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177. 'in that cardboard box.
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178. 'I can't believe it.
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179. 'Shit! This just gets better and better. '
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180. Yeah, I guess it just came from in here.
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181. Or maybe...
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182. - up there?
- Ah, yes.
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183. Yeah?
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184. - Here's to God!
- To God.
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185. - Can I get you anything?
- No, I'm OK.
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186. I'll be fine.
I've got to be strong for Jeremy.
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187. He was great, wasn't he? Moments like
this make you realise how short life is.
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188. Right. One minute we're alive,
the next we're dead.
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189. Sometimes we're so wrapped up
in the nonsense of life.
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190. Right, yeah.
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191. I mean, if I want an Xbox,
why don't I just get an Xbox?
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192. - Yeah.
- 'You're losing her. '
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193. It's a brief candle.
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194. A bloody brief candle.
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195. Yep.
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196. Sophie...
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197. c- can I say how beautiful you look?
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198. - Thank you, Mark.
- Can...
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199. Can I kiss you, Sophie?
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200. 'Oh, my God. Umm...
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201. 'What about my abnormal knackers?
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202. 'Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they?
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203. 'What I really need is a good, long look
at another man's bollocks.
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204. 'But that's so fraught
with potential problems. '
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205. Oh. That was nice.
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206. - Yeah, that was nice.
- 'Thank you, Ray! Thank you, Ray! '
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207. ? Onward Christian soldiers
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208. 'It must have been taken
shortly before he died. '
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209. 'God. You think you're in, then the
smiting, plagues and pestilence starts.
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210. 'Shit, I can't believe it. '
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211. Hey, Jez! I've got news!
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212. - So have I.
- Sophie's coming away with me
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213. to a cottage with a bed for the weekend.
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214. Now, listen, mate,
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215. I need to ask you a straight-up,
man-to-man question about bollocks.
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216. The hospital called. What Ray died of,
Boden-Georgeson syndrome,
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217. - it's hereditary.
- What? Y-You're kidding.
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218. I might have it.
They want me to go in for tests.
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219. Tests? Jesus, mate. Fuck.
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220. - No, are you OK?
- Yeah.
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221. No. To be honest, I'm scared.
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222. - Look, don't be scared.
- I am scared.
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223. Don't be scared.
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224. I am scared.
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225. That's fine, that's fine.
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226. It's perfectly natural to be scared.
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227. 'Doctor Runciman has seen this
a thousand times.
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228. 'It's just two guys, one with his hand
on the other guy's balls. '
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229. Mark Corrigan?
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230. Dr Runciman's on call.
I'm the practice nurse.
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231. Oh. Pleased to meet you.
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232. 'No. No, no, no, no, no. '
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233. - So how can I help?
- Oh, it was just...
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234. I think I should see the doctor.
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235. Not that I've got anything
against your... kind.
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236. If you tell me the problem,
maybe I can deal with it.
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237. Basically, it's -
not wishing to beat about the bush -
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238. it's a problem with...
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239. with my...
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240. Penis?
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241. Testisticles.
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242. - So if you'd feel happier, I...
- OK, trousers down, hop on the couch,
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243. let's have a look at the little fellows.
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244. 'Oh, I hope I don't... No leaping
to attention, Captain Corrigan.
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245. 'Anyone would say
she's an attractive woman.
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246. 'She should have to wear a mask.
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247. 'Reagan or Batman or...
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248. 'Actually, she'd look pretty horny
as Batman. Jesus, no, don't! '
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249. So have you worked here long?
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250. - Blimey.
- Blimey? What's blimey?
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251. - Does that feel painful?
- No, no. That feels great.
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252. I mean, not great, just normal.
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253. 'Oh, how much can a man take? '
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254. You've got a large hydrocele.
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255. It's a simple procedure. The scalpel just
slips in at the back of the scrotum.
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256. 'That's cooled things off,
a regular bucket of water. '
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257. 'Abandon self-cherishing,
love only others.
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258. 'Yeah, well, Mr Dalai Lama,
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259. 'you've got to be a suck-up
if you haven't got your own country.
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260. 'OK, stay focused.
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261. 'Don't have to do them all,
just till you find something to hold on to.
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262. 'Islam. Not really
such a fashionable religion.
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263. 'Hinduism? That's got a nice vibe.
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264. 'Find out the Hindus and the Hindon'ts.
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265. 'Good old Bible. Bit "dribble not
the ass's milk on Tuesday. "
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266. 'And I know most of it from The Omen. '
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267. OK, Jez, mate. I think that's about it.
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268. Uh-huh. Well, have a good time, mate.
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269. - Is he OK?
- I don't know.
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270. He gets the test results on Monday.
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271. - What do you think?
- He seems a bit on edge.
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272. The thing is, he's not definitely dying.
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273. - He's not even definitely ill.
- You're probably right.
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274. - What about the carving on his arm?
- That's just Biro.
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275. Anyway, he seems to be over that now.
And the whinnying.
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276. Things are looking positive. He's
investigating the key to all spiritualities.
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277. 'Try and read a poem,
listen to inspiring music,
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278. 'look at a wonderful painting... '
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279. 'Or I could finish
the last of that skunk,
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280. 'sit on Big Suze's dildo
and wank myself dry.
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281. 'I could go to that place Super Hans says
is a knocking shop.
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282. 'If not, bang a tab and get a massage. '
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283. Er, Jez.
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284. Me and Soph,
we were just having a chat,
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285. and, well, what we were saying
is that what we both really want
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286. is for you to come along
on our weekend.
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287. Yeah? Oh, I kind of had plans.
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288. Oh, you can take
your religious texts with you.
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289. - 'Maybe he doesn't want to come. '
- No point, it's all bullshit.
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290. 'God, he really wants me to come. '
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291. It'll be such a laugh.
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292. 'Please say no, please say no. '
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293. Er, well, all right. I guess.
If you really want me to.
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294. 'I didn't realise
he was this terrified of sex. '
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295. 'If I can get the first one over
without major embarrassment.
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296. 'First fuck is damage limitation.
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297. 'In, out, as much pleasure
as I can give her,
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298. 'apologise, and then we can move on.
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299. 'Jesus, look at him. What a disaster. '
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300. Jeremy, it's your go, isn't it?
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301. Er, whatever.
I just want to rewind this bit.
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302. Do you have to?
We're trying to play a game.
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303. I gave you the choice -
Tom and Barbara being nice
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304. or Gloria and Mitzy being nasty.
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305. If you don't want your go,
I'll attack Irkutsk.
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306. Fine. Can't you get it into your closed-off
little mind that I don't give a flying fuck?
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307. You will when I take Asia.
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308. Bleaurgh, bleaurgh,
bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh.
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309. Nothing means anything. It's all just shit!
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310. Games, snacks, fires, man, woman, love.
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311. We're all gonna end up in the cold,
deep ground, and that's all there is. OK?
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312. Well, fine. I'm off for a shower.
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313. Good night, Jeremy.
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314. - See you in the bed... room, Soph.
- Yeah, sure.
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315. 'Oh, what I really want's a woman.
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316. 'Oh, God, I'm never gonna have
a woman again in my life.
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317. 'I never planted my seed.
My loins are like dried buckwheat.
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318. 'It's not fair. '
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319. So Jeremy, I'm going to turn in.
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320. Hope you sleep OK.
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321. Er, thanks.
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322. Er, Sophie, could I have a quick word?
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323. - In private.
- Sure, I mean, this is private.
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324. Must be hell trying to cope with all this.
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325. Well, yeah.
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326. Bloody hell, what are you doing?
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327. Oh, go on.
This could be the last time I do it.
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328. Imagine how committed I'd be?
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329. - I'm here with Mark.
- Mark...
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330. doesn't love you.
He doesn't even like you.
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331. - What?
- He...
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332. He said he's only snogging you
for a joke.
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333. And he draws horrible, vicious
cartoons of you
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334. and wraps them up in sausage meat
and calls you a sausage muncher.
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335. You're drunk, Jeremy.
Try and get some sleep.
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336. Go on. I might be dead in a week.
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337. Jeremy, look, I'm flattered
but I'm here with Mark.
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338. - What about a threes-up?
- Jeremy, Mark's...
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339. All right, OK, I get the message.
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340. Sophie?
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341. Jez must've gone for a walk. Thank God.
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342. You think he'd be more grateful.
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343. He'll change his tune
when I'm in charge of the morphine.
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344. It's like that, is it?
That's how it's going to be?
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345. - Well, excuse me!
- Jez, I didn't... I didn't mean.
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346. 'Oh, wow. Oh, yeah.
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347. 'Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, she is so...
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348. 'Where am I?
Put your tongue out and see.
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349. 'Neck? Yeah, neck. Oh.
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350. 'Whoo-hoo-ho-ho. Ha-ha!
You can do that again. Oh, yeah. '
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351. - Mark?
- Yeah?
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352. Are you going to take your pants off?
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353. Er, yeah.
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354. Yeah, I will. But, Sophie, before I do,
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355. I need to prepare you for something.
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356. I intend to have an operation
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357. but until I do, I don't want you to be
alarmed by the size of my...
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358. Mark, stop boasting
and get some johnnies.
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359. Shit, they're in the bathroom.
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360. - Stay there, don't go away.
- I'm not going anywhere.
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361. 'Got to be quick. Don't want to
have to get her all worked up again.
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362. 'Did she say johnnies plural?
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363. 'Hope she doesn't think
I'm some sort of superman. '
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364. 'Couldn't even be bothered to go to bed.
It's pathetic.
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365. 'What's...? Oh, my God. He's...
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366. 'No. Don't be dead, mate.
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367. 'Shit, no. Oh, God, no. In front of...
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368. 'Tenko. That was probably the last straw.
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369. 'Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Don't be dead, mate!
Please don't be dead!
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370. 'My cock's gone right down. Fuck. '
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371. Sophie! Soph!
Something awful has happened.
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372. What?
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373. He's opened his eyes.
Jez, we're right here, Jez.
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374. - What's going on?
- You're in safe hands now, Jez.
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375. Was he behaving strangely
before the overdose?
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376. No. No more than usual.
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377. Well, he did... I didn't tell you this.
He did make a pass at me.
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378. A pass? He... The bloody...!
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379. He's been under a lot of stress recently.
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380. How many pills did you take, Jeremy?
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381. It's important you remember
how many you took.
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382. Pills? Just the one.
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383. He's delirious, the bottle was empty.
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384. Yeah, it was the last one.
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385. I had a headache. Has anyone got
any Coke? My mouth's all...
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386. I invite you here
and you repay me by trying to...
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387. have it away with my girlfriend.
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388. - I don't think girlfriend's quite...
- I've been feeling very low.
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389. Oh, were you? Were you?
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390. Yeah. I was feeling desperate.
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391. I mean, that's why...
that's why I took the overdose.
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392. - What? But you...
- I couldn't admit it.
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393. I was ashamed. But I did it.
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394. The bottle was full,
I... I took the whole lot.
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395. OK, if you two step to one side,
I'm gonna do a stomach pump.
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396. What? Er, no... Actually...
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397. I admit it, I was joking.
I was lying just then, not before.
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398. I didn't take an overdose.
Put away the hardware.
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399. I was lying just then.
Don't pump me! Don't pump me!
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400. - What the fuck?
- Soph, it's only me.
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401. - I've got something for you.
- Don't do that.
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402. - No one was coming.
- That's not the point.
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403. - It's not?
- No. Mark, we need to have a talk.
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404. - A talk? Oh.
- Mark...
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405. a funeral, it's an emotional time,
lots of emotions.
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406. - Are you finishing with me?
- We weren't ever really...
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407. Right.
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408. Not that something might not,
some day...
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409. Everything was a bit "whoosh!" and
I'd rather it was "dum-de-dum-de-dum".
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410. OK, well, that's just... I guess...
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411. you know...
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412. Did you want to give me something?
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413. Er, no, it's...
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414. it's your pants.
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415. Oh.
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416. I found them in my suitcase
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417. and I thought you...
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418. Anyway, er...
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419. here you go.
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420. Er, well, thanks.
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421. Not a problem.
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422. OK, well, I'll see you.
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423. See you... not around but here.
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424. OK, g... great. See you.
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425. So I, er... I got the test results.
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426. It's positive.
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427. Oh dear.
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428. - Oh, Jez.
- Are you OK?
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429. It's all broken. It's knackered.
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430. He dumped me.
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431. Daddy's gone again.
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432. Why does it happen?
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433. There are all these people
singing and dancing but never me.
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434. I'm sorry, I'll shut up.
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435. My problems are nothing compared to...
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436. Three months?
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437. Three to six.
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438. Jesus, Jeremy. Jesus.
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439. 'I'll say miracle drug cure. Maybe she'll
give me another one as congratulations.
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440. 'God, hope she doesn't
start crying again.
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441. 'Got to... before she...
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442. 'Come on.
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443. 'I am gonna feel so low
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444. 'as soon as this is over. '
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445. ? Sail away, sail away, sail away
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446. ? Sail away, sail away, sail away
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447. ? Sail away, sail away, sail away
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448. ? Sail away, sail away, sail away
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449. ? From the north to the south
Ebudae into Khartoum
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450. Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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