Peep Show 1x4

Neil Fitzmaurice as Jeff Heaney • Matt King as Super Hans • Paterson Joseph as Alan Johnson

Mark attends a work conference and in the process makes a new friend, Alan Johnson, which upsets the 'El Dude' partnership. This forces Jeremy to consider who could replace Mark as flatmate and best friend. Super-Hands is the potential replacement, but he doesn't match up as well. Mark grows a moustache, like his new hero, Johnson whilst Jeremy is haunted by flashbacks to 'the one bad thing' that happened when he was wrecked with Super-Hands.

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3. 'Don't screw this up. No screw-ups. Got to impress! '

4. So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I have one question.

5. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

6. Er, well, no.

7. Right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.

8. 'Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it. '

9. Then I'll make you feel like a turkey fucker.

10. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shit heel, right?

11. 'Brilliant. That is just so spot on. '

12. Or... I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer

13. and we'd both end up winners.

14. - Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan? - Right. Absolutely!

15. - Dead right. - 'Alan Johnson, I'm in love.

16. 'I'm in love with you, Johnson. '

17. 'There are two basic energies in the world.

18. 'Stress and relaxation. '

19. Super Hans...

20. - What are we doing? - We...

21. are looking through the other end of the telescope.

22. I don't feel very well.

23. - Did something bad happen? - Everything's OK.

24. There's two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation.

25. - Did I break through? - You passed out after the love beans.

26. I thought the table was being ironic.

27. But what was the bad thing?

28. 'Floss is boss. Floss is boss. '

29. - Floss is boss! - 'No, not that.

30. 'Something worse. '

31. - What happened? - That will probably become clear later.

32. Like the French Revolution.

33. - I think we need to tidy up. - Absolutely not.

34. That is the one thing I stand against. A thousand times, no.

35. Hi! Come in, come in.

36. - Hi, guys. - Hiya, Soph.

37. - How's it going? - Oh, good, thanks.

38. 'Ask her to go to the bar. Ask her! '

39. We're just watching a bit of Morse. Care to join us?

40. I don't think right now. Er, Mark...

41. - I just wanted to say about the lift. - 8:15 sharp?

42. Yeah. I forgot about Debbie's wheelchair.

43. - Yeah? - I think it'll take quite a bit of room.

44. - Right, well, that... - Dave's helping her so I said to him...

45. I mean, I could... help.

46. Yeah... Yeah, sure. It's just Dave's been, you know...

47. Oh, yeah. Totally. Absolutely.

48. 'Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave. '

49. I'm really sorry. I'm sure you'll be able to get another lift or a train.

50. - Honestly, it's fine. - Sorry.

51. Thanks. Well, see ya.

52. Bye.

53. - Night. - OK, night.

54. 'Yes, I know what you're thinking.

55. 'I'm shit, you're great. I'm the worm, you're the king.

56. 'Eat your nuts and go fuck yourself. '

57. 'Oh, I feel like loam, a piece of loam. Jesus, what am I talking about?

58. 'I wish Mark was here. No more drugs. I don't need drugs.

59. 'I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs?

60. 'Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, the Prodge, Aphex - the list is endless really.

61. 'But they could have done it twice as fast with half the mess if they just...

62. 'Ah, was that the bad thing?

63. 'Not that. Something wronger.

64. 'Mark'll be so pleased when he sees this. He's just so...

65. 'Maybe I could open my bank statements.

66. 'Maybe you can be boring and cool. '

67. 'I only asked about the bus. I'm not a freak.

68. 'Checking into the hotel, it's all, "And can we get you fresh whatever?"

69. 'Once you're leaving, it's, "Well, one of you is liable for the cashews. " Sophie...

70. 'Jeff?

71. 'That fucking... Oh!

72. 'What's the story there?

73. 'This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever. Oh, my fucking life.

74. - 'It's Alan Johnson. ' - Mark! It is Mark, isn't it?

75. - Yes, it is. It's Mark. - So?

76. - Do you want a lift or what? - I would love a lift.

77. 'Shit! This is the best thing to happen to anyone ever. '

78. 'Look at me. Friends with a big black businessman

79. 'like it's the most natural thing in the world.

80. 'If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed, I could come to his aid and... '

81. - Jez? - Hey, you're back! This is great.

82. - You're really back. - Er, yes.

83. The El Dude Brothers are back in town. Aaaggh! Aaaggh!

84. Uhhhh. Uhhhh.

85. Come on in. Sit down. Tell me all about your trip. I want to hear everything -

86. all the gory details.

87. Did you bring back any little tiny soaps?

88. - Jez, are you all right? - Course I am. Now you're back.

89. Right. That's very nice and everything, Jez, but I should open some wine.

90. - Rather a good friend is coming over. - Wine?

91. Friend?

92. But you haven't got a friend. Who's your friend?

93. Phoney Tony, I call him.

94. This government is all spin, it's smoke and mirrors.

95. I totally agree. I couldn't agree more.

96. - The way he licks Bush's arse. - Pathetic!

97. They're spending more on schools but where's the evidence?

98. What schools? Where? Where the heck are they? Can you see them?

99. 'This is good. Yeah, three guys sitting around, shooting the shit.

100. 'Politics doesn't have to be boring. A lot of Moby's stuff is political, I think. '

101. Yeah, it's all lies, isn't it?

102. Don't tell me that Blair wears a suit when he's at home watching Big Brother.

103. - 'God. Not in front of Johnson. ' - How do you mean exactly?

104. They should be more honest.

105. At least, Tony Adams from the IRA,

106. he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people. "

107. If they were more honest,

108. maybe people wouldn't switch straight over when the news comes on.

109. You turn over when the news comes on?

110. No, no. No, sometimes...

111. maybe for a treat, but generally, it's great.

112. Who do you support? I mean, Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine.

113. Makes it more interesting when you pick a...

114. No?

115. So I'll show you what I've done so far on the book.

116. - The book? - Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs.

117. It's only chapter one, but it gives a flavour...

118. 'Oh, my God. The bad thing.

119. 'That's the bad thing! '

120. Make a tsunami!

121. Can I have a look?

122. It doesn't seem to...

123. Oh! Oh, dear.

124. Look what you've... Oh, is it all right?

125. - Well, no, but it wasn't working when... - Oh, yes, it was.

126. It was working fine and then you spilt your drink on it. That's what happened.

127. That's what I saw.

128. 'Me and Johnson. We only met a fortnight ago.

129. 'Everything's happening so fast. ' That sounds... That sounds just...

130. - amazing. - Excellent. Second.

131. Yeah, but the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy,

132. - it feels a bit weird, Dad. - 'Shit! '

133. - Sorry? - It feels weird, daddio.

134. - 'Good save. ' - Why, daddio? Third.

135. Well, nowadays, email and so forth, do I really need to move to Cardiff?

136. Let me tell you a story. It's about two mountain climbers.

137. One's climbing. The other one is injured, weak, clinging to the first guy's leg.

138. - Uh-huh. Interesting. - The first guy has a choice.

139. Let his pal cling on and they're both yak food or...

140. shake him off and make it to the top -

141. solo.

142. 'I've got to tell him. How am I going to tell him?

143. 'Oh, this is horrible. He might crumble.

144. 'He's weak. Remember the Johnson. '

145. - Hey, Jez! - Hey.

146. So, what do you make of this place? You choose what you want.

147. 'This could be good. Just like the old days. Don't slag off Johnson yet. '

148. Johnson told me about it. According to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...

149. Oh, Johnson says, Johnson says!

150. If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?

151. Where did this come from all of a sudden?

152. Why don't you actually screw him, since you clearly want to so much?

153. Jeremy!

154. I've got nothing against being gay but I'm not and neither is Johnson.

155. He's black, which I expect you've noticed.

156. So just because he's black, I have to like him.

157. Do I? That's political correctness gone mad. Look, Mark, I'm sorry...

158. 'Jesus, I'm just the sort of person who'd be gay and repressive to himself. '

159. The thing is, well...

160. There's no easy way to put this but... Johnson's invited me in with him.

161. He wants me to get into bed, team up with him.

162. - It would mean relocating to Cardiff. - You're kidding?

163. Look, I really feel I need to go for this, Jez.

164. Look, it's not as if it's the end... for us.

165. We're still the El Dude Brothers. We always will be. It's just...

166. I'm leaving.

167. I can't spend my life with you at base camp.

168. OK, OK...

169. That's fine. I'm fine with that.

170. Good.

171. 'If I keep smiling, maybe he won't leave. '

172. This is a pretty cool place, isn't it?

173. Chopsticks.

174. Hmm, these are a bit long for me actually.

175. 'He's cracked. I hope he doesn't do anything drastic. '

176. That's better. So tell me all about the wasabi sauce.

177. 'If he hangs himself,

178. 'I could put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident. '

179. I'm so glad you came here for a follow-up, man.

180. You totally blew apart Barbara's whole stone-age business paradigm.

181. Like taking candy from a baby.

182. 'Maybe I do fancy him. He's handsome.

183. 'Not in a gay way. It's just obvious. He's a good-looking guy - a guy's guy.

184. - 'But would I...? ' - Hey, Mark.

185. Sophie!

186. Sophie, Sophie, Sophie! You know Alan, of course.

187. Yeah, quite a seminar. Barbara went home crying.

188. I'm just a doctor. I didn't make the needles sharp.

189. It's not a wig, Alan. That's actually her hair.

190. You've got to admit, she was asking a lot of questions.

191. - Thought you big kahunas should know. - Yeah, whatever.

192. See you.

193. Jesus, some people!

194. You point them to a lift and they're like, "No, I'll take the stairs. "

195. 'I do want to be with him but could I think about kissing?

196. 'Well, I'm thinking about it.

197. 'No, I'm just thinking about thinking about it. '

198. Yeah, she's very...

199. Yeah... I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.

200. - Well, my advice is keep it little. - Yeah?

201. Women? Does a balance sheet ever cry and say it needs time to think?

202. Business doesn't say it loves you then runs off with a buddy.

203. Take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her.

204. What do you see? What do you see in her,

205. compared to, say, a supermodel like Giselle?

206. She's...

207. I think she's... very pretty.

208. Come on, look at her arse.

209. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse?

210. She's got a fat arse.

211. - Say it. - Well, she's...

212. Maybe it is a bit...

213. nice, but in a sense...

214. If we're gonna do this, it's just you and me.

215. No stress-buster mini-breaks, no women.

216. Just us, a pile of Chinese food and some fuck-off spreadsheets.

217. 'Oh, yes, take me, Johnson. I'm yours! '

218. Yeah, Jeremy and Super Hans.

219. This is perfect because I'm being evicted soon.

220. We are gonna have parties in this place that go beyond fun

221. and actually get really, really nasty.

222. When's the Iron Duke moving out?

223. Erm, I dunno. Maybe a few weeks.

224. - Nothing's really decided yet. - As a fuck-off present, let's spike him.

225. Yeah... or maybe get him a nice watch or...

226. He'll be like, "Can't make the meeting, boss.

227. "I've gotta fax my soul off to God for an upgrade. "

228. 'It could be all right. Mark can make us a cleaning rota.

229. 'We'll just stick religiously to the rota. '

230. 'There's probably much less to worry about with gay sex.

231. 'You know where you are with a cock.

232. 'Still, even if I am gay, Johnson isn't.

233. 'It'll be hard enough turning me gay, let alone... '

234. - Hiya, Mark. - 'OK, listen to the Johnson. '

235. - Huh. - 'Yes, take that. '

236. - How are you? - Oh, you know...

237. 'Stay strong, brother. '

238. I've been meaning to say, about the other day, back from the hotel...

239. - Didn't phase me, sweetheart. - 'That's a bit too much. '

240. Yeah. Because, in the end, Dave had to go early.

241. Then I knocked on your door and Jess said you'd gone.

242. So that's what happened, in case you were wondering.

243. - Whatever. - 'That's all very possible. '

244. - Are you OK? You weren't pissed off? - 'Don't weaken. '

245. - No, no. Why? - You seem a bit...

246. I dunno. I hope everything's still, with us, yeah, all right.

247. 'This is ridiculous. She's beautiful. I'm not gay. Forget Johnson. Go for it! '

248. Oh, Mark!

249. - Are you all right? - Fine.

250. No, it's fine...

251. Just... nothing. A bump.

252. 'It's staring you in the face, Mark. There's only one other sex to try. '

253. 'Good old, unfriendly Mr Patel.

254. 'Never says a word, whether you're buying cornflakes, fabric softener

255. 'or gay porn.

256. 'So here we go. Watch without prejudice.

257. 'I'm just testing the water. I'm a sexual scientist.

258. 'So, OK, I'm keeping in trim.

259. 'This is fine. Typical evening in.

260. 'Johnson's doing the spreadsheet. There's nothing to be afraid of.

261. 'The Romans liked it and they got a lot done.

262. 'How's it going, Johnson? Ha-ha!

263. 'So quick?

264. 'Yeah, some good kissing.

265. 'Maybe I'm bi-curious. What if that actually was Johnson?

266. 'Would that make me hotter?

267. 'What if he had Sophie's face or Sophie's body with Johnson's face?

268. 'Mum, Dad, I'm bi-curious. Yeah, right, the bum.

269. 'Nothing wrong with a bum...

270. 'Ah, that's a little too rich for me. I just don't know! '

271. Do you think he really wondered, Sting, if the Russians loved their children too?

272. No, it's a rhetorical question.

273. Like Can You Feel The Force? Or Do They Know It's Christmas?

274. I'm not so sure. He really seems to be sincerely hoping

275. that the Russians love their children too, which I think is a little bit patronising.

276. I really need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy before Johnson gets here.

277. I could... drive you.

278. - What? - Well, he gave you the keys.

279. No, he forgot the keys after the pub.

280. Then he called to put me in charge of the keys until he reclaims the keys.

281. It's probably an initiative test. Will you... walk like some kind of stupid duck

282. or will you drive like...

283. Clarkson?

284. What if something happened?

285. Oh, right, suddenly I'm going to drive off the non-existent quayside.

286. I'm insured on my mum's insurance to drive any car.

287. It's freezing out there. Johnson won't mind, if he's a real mate.

288. - You're insured on any car? - Yes!

289. 'Probably. '

290. 'Who's the Johnson now, huh? Who's the Johnson now, Johnson? '

291. Shall we... open her up a bit?

292. No, absolutely not! We're almost at the office now.

293. If it feels good, do it. Isn't that Johnson's philosophy?

294. No.

295. They love it really.

296. God, Jeremy, no! That was Mica from... I hope they didn't recognise me.

297. What do you two do in the car then? Sit and talk about the VAT on cigarillos?

298. Of course not! Sometimes he lets me do the gears.

299. Hey, I've got an idea...

300. This doesn't feel right.

301. - This is so right. - But I can't drive.

302. Yes, you can. All you have to do is believe. Driving is bullshit.

303. Oh

304. my

305. God.

306. Just very slowly take your foot off the clutch

307. and just tickle the accelerator, OK?

308. OK.

309. OK...

310. OK.

311. Look at me go! I'm driving!

312. Look at me driving, Jez!

313. - You're driving. Very slowly in first gear. - Yeah.

314. Yeah, come on. I'm driving. I'm Johnson. Driving is bullshit! I'm Johnson!

315. That's right. It's easy.

316. Now, just give it a bit more juice and hang a right.

317. Right is bollocks. I'm going rogue.

318. - Hey, isn't that Sophie? - Jesus.

319. Yeah, h-how do I... How do I do stopping?

320. The pedal. No, the middle one!

321. - Blimey, Mark, when did you...? - What? This old banger?

322. It's not, is it? It's a brand-new Beamer.

323. And you'd probably like a spin, but we're just tooling around town.

324. It's a guy thing.

325. - Right. - You sure you're all right to...?

326. It's cool, Jez.

327. See you around, Soph.

328. Oh, Jesus...

329. Wow.

330. Alan Johnson's Beamer.

331. Alan... Johnson's...

332. Beamer.

333. Do you think he's going to mind?

334. I think it's possible he might mind.

335. If Mark can't drive, why did he...?

336. - You've got to help me out here. - Sure, mate. Sure.

337. I'll tell Super Hans that you'll be staying now.

338. Look, Jez, you've got to take the rap.

339. I mean, you don't have to, but...

340. I have a future

341. whereas you... not don't,

342. - just, it's different... - 'He's grasping at straws.

343. 'It's all over for him and Johnson.

344. 'Might as well get some brownie points by acting "the big friend".'

345. Sure, mate. If you really, really want me to... mate,

346. I'll do it. I'll...

347. face the firing squad.

348. - True mates. - True mates.

349. - Ehhh... - Uhhh...

350. Johnson is here! Johnson is here!

351. You're such a good guy.

352. 'We'll be in Cardiff within the fortnight.

353. 'Relax, Mark.

354. - 'Business before pleasure. ' - Mark, I'm a little concerned.

355. - My 5 Series isn't where I left it. - Alan, come in.

356. Something terrible has happened.

357. - What's happened to my car? - Yes, there's a bit of a problem there...

358. You see, I borrowed the keys, drove it around for a bit of a laugh

359. - and then I crashed it. - He says "borrowed", but I had no...

360. - Blimey. - Yes, "blimey".

361. Hey-ho. So, you got the Newport projections?

362. What? Hold on. Aren't you...?

363. The car. You trusted... You gave the keys to...

364. What? I'm insured out of my arse, mate. I'm covered.

365. So, sushi or cappuccino? I'm easy.

366. 'Shit, he doesn't care.

367. 'Mark's in the clear. It's going to be me and Super Hans - forever. '

368. No, don't go, because...

369. Sorry, Mark. I just can't take any more lies. He smashed up your car.

370. He did it because he hates you, really.

371. You really are a bitter loser, aren't you,

372. Mr No Logo, Mr Work A Day For World Peace?

373. - Mark, shall we split? - But you two...

374. This is never gonna work! You don't know him.

375. You don't know how he likes his toast.

376. In a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York.

377. Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.

378. - I'm so outta here. - No, don't go. You can't because...

379. The truth is he doesn't love you for your business plan.

380. He loves you for your...

381. - He loves you for you. - Jeremy, for God's sake!

382. Mark's gay, Johnson. I can handle that. I'm fine with that. Are you?

383. Look... I'm a businessman.

384. That's what I am. That's what I do.

385. I don't want... this.

386. I didn't come here for this. Mark, you don't...

387. - love me do you? - Love you?

388. Of course not!

389. No...

390. Yes... yes, maybe a bit. I do possibly somewhat.

391. But... Alan, it's not how it seems.

392. I'm 850/0 sure I'm straight.

393. It's just... I do have feelings for you and, in principle, I'm not against...

394. more...

395. I don't think I'll know until it's right in front of me,

396. whether I'll be able to go through with it, OK?

397. You love me, not the business?

398. I just don't know any more!

399. I think it's best if you go now.

400. Yeah.

401. 'My name's Andrew. I'm 25 years old. I'm a chef. '

402. 'Not this. I don't want this. Not now.

403. 'I'm not gay. Possibly bi, but basically uncurious. '

404. 'I love beauty, hate arrogance and I love sucking cock. '

405. The bad thing...

406. That... was the bad thing.

407. Right, my turn now.

408. ? Don't know why

409. ? You're so blue

410. ? The sun's gonna shine on everything you do

411. ? And the sky

412. ? Is so blue

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