1. Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/
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2. 'I wonder what kind of socks
Sophie wears.
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3. 'Do women wear socks? Well, yes,
sometimes is the answer to that.
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4. 'Socks before or after trousers, but never
socks before pants - that's the rule.
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5. 'Makes a man look scary, like a chicken. '
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6. 'He just does not give one solitary shit. '
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7. 'Yeah, take that, big Suze.
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8. 'Your toilet-seat regime is over.
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9. 'Ah, freedom! '
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10. 'Brown for first course,
white for pudding.
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11. 'Brown is savoury,
white's the treat. '
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12. 'I'm the one who's laughing
because I love brown toast. '
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13. 'There he is. '
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14. - Dr J!
- Good morning, Mark.
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15. Sorry I didn't hook up
with you and Super Hans...
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16. - 'Wedge of ballast, then bed again. '
- Barbara pops up. "Is the file ready?"
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17. 'It's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars
but red hot.
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18. 'What if Mum and Dad
were trapped in one
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19. 'and I had a hook to rescue one of them -
who would I pick? '
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20. I didn't get a chance to tell you
the good news.
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21. We need a clerical assistant
and I've swung you an interview.
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22. - Uh-huh.
- 'Clerical assistant?
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23. 'I can't be a clerical assistant.
I'm a musician.
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24. 'You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers
to do your laundry. '
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25. So is tomorrow at 11 all right?
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26. Tomorrow at 11.
Yeah, sure. I'll set the video.
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27. - 'Don't joke. '
- 'I'm not. '
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28. It's a damn good company
and it'll be the two of us together -
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29. Jez and Mez, the El Dude Brothers.
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30. It's just the music.
It's really starting to hot up.
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31. You know how much
I respect your music. It's just...
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32. Super Hans got a bass loop
for our track that is so good
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33. that when he tried turning it off,
he physically couldn't do it.
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34. I'm on your side.
Every artist needs his patron
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35. but, you know, there's a limit.
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36. Oh. The rent.
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37. I'm not some kind of land baron
trying to milk his cash cow.
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38. - It's just...
- Don't worry, you'll get your milk.
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39. - This track's a banker.
Somethin' Stupid)
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40. - Everybody needs a Somethin' Stupid.
- Sorry?
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41. The guy who wrote that,
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42. he's probably up to his neck
in penny loafers and blue pool tables.
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43. - Right.
- Blimey, what's God up to?
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44. - 'So let's do just a... '
- Just in case the song doesn't work out,
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45. maybe you'd better fill this out
and fax it over by three.
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46. Hmm.
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47. Think about it.
And have a great day. Yeah?
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48. - See you tonight.
- Yeah, cool. Have a good one.
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49. - You, too, mate.
- Bye, mate.
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50. 'Work-shy freeloader. '
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51. 'Tight-fisted cock-muncher. '
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52. 'Next time I have breakfast,
he'll make me sit a fucking exam. '
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53. 'I wonder what
Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today? '
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54. - 'I really should ask her out for lunch. '
- Can you hold that?
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55. 'You bastard. '
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56. Thanks Third floor?
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57. 'I mean, what's the worst
that could happen? She could say no. '
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58. 'Actually, that would be terrible.
It would destroy me if she said no. '
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59. There is a notice
about only riding the lift to the first floor.
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60. You're wasting mine and other people's
time, not to mention...
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61. Oh. Er, OK.
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62. 'People like him should wear stickers.
Their cars have them.
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63. 'Oh, yeah. Great idea, Adolf. '
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64. - Morning, Mark.
- Hey, Sophie.
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65. - 'Go on, ask her! '
- Sophie, are you...?
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66. I mean, would...?
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67. How's your day going thus far?
Have a nice shower or bath?
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68. - Why? Do I smell?
- God, no, you don't.
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69. I mean, you smell nice -
not that I've smelt you.
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70. Oh... See ya.
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71. Later, potater.
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72. 'Oh, potater. What have I become? '
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73. 'Super Hans said he'll be here
in 20 minutes. Means I've got an hour.
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74. 'I bet Mark's got some porn here
somewhere. '
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75. 'OK, where's today's cartoon? '
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76. 'Mm, not bad.
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77. 'No discernible romantic overtones.
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78. 'OK, pen, let's flirt with Sophie... '
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79. 'Mark's got no conception.
He thinks I'm so...
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80. 'But I'm busting my creative balls here,
day in, day out.
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81. 'No, but it's all,
"Where's the money? Where's my rent?
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82. "'The rent, Mr Jim Morrison? Mr Keats?"
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83. "'No, you don't like the attack dog,
do you, Mr Keats?"
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84. 'Hold on...
I think I've struck the motherload! '
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85. 'What the hell is that?
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86. 'That is very gay. That's what that is.
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87. 'Come on, go crazy!
You're hungry like the wolf. '
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88. "'Fantasy Figure Modeller. "
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89. 'Jesus. Maybe this is his porn. '
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90. 'I'm giving her a love heart.
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91. 'Yes, that's... good.
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92. 'No, no, it's not good. It's terrible.
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93. 'Think "crazy horse", think
"in your face". What would Jeremy do?
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94. 'Yeah, that's it.
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95. 'Loves the Nazis. Yeah, crazy love.
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96. 'Nazi love. I'm a nutter! '
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97. 'I'm a dirty hobbit
and she's a sexy elf
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98. 'so she might be...
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99. "'Ohh! You dirty hobbit.
Take off my bodkin and my jerkin. "
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100. 'Oh, yeah...
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101. 'Pixie ears.
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102. 'But that sword.
What if she was a hobbit slayer?
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103. 'I'd just use my enchanted amulet.
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104. 'Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer.
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105. 'You will touch my magic cock. '
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106. '? And then I go and seal the deal
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107. '? By doing something wicked
like this cartoon?
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108. 'Swastika love.
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109. 'It's bloody mental. '
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110. - So what do you think?
- I dunno.
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111. - Yeah, it's zzzhhhh! In your face.
- It's just...
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112. I don't like it.
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113. No, well, I do.
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114. - I just don't.
- Oh, right. This is it, is it?
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115. - The end of the Hair Blair Bunch.
- We are not the Hair Blair Bunch.
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116. - Whatever. Spunk Bubble.
- Momma's Kumquat.
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117. No, it's not. I never agreed to it
being Momma's Kumquat.
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118. Look, if this is John and Paul, 1970,
then I need money for the equipment.
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119. This is like your whole
Balearic bullshit, innit?
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120. One minute, it's all, "I love ya, man,"
the next, it's, "Where's that 50 quid?"
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121. - I'm just saying I need money...
- Listen, mate.
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122. Shit is as shit does, my friend.
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123. Look, this is bullshit.
We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch go.
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124. We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!
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125. 'A bloody swastika. That is
the single worst single bloody idea ever.
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126. 'I mean, a swastika!
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127. 'It's gone. It's happened.
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128. 'Oh, yeah, do what Jeremy would do.
Thanks, Jeremy. You tit. '
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129. 'Yeah, perfect plan. "I want
to fax this off. Oh, Toni, I feel tired. "
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130. "'Let's just both lie down on your bed. "
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131. 'Hope she gets out the bong,
not the cafetiere. '
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132. I was wondering.
You're an urban, switched-on lady.
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133. You've probably got
a fax machine, right?
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134. A fax machine?
Right, like I'd have a fax machine.
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135. Have you just come from the 1980s?
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136. It's like The Spaceman And King Arthur,
but in reverse.
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137. Yeah. I've just got
this crappy job application.
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138. Right. OK.
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139. Tell me something, Jeremy.
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140. Have you ever tried washing up
without using washing-up liquid?
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141. What? Has Mark been talking to you?
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142. Could you clean a pot or a pan
without using a scrubbing brush,
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143. a sponge or a scouring pad?
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144. - I don't think so.
- So what you're saying is
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145. these products are essential -
products no one could do without?
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146. Well, you're kind of
making me say that but...
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147. The first thing to say is that this is
definitely not pyramid selling, OK?
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148. Right. Good.
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149. What's pyramid selling?
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150. 'Enter the pit of Sarlak,
little crisps.
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151. 'She's ignoring me.
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152. 'Of course, she's ignoring me.
I sent her a swastika.
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153. 'Jesus! This is the worst thing
to happen to anyone ever and...
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154. 'Relax, Mark.
You're not Hitler in his bunker.
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155. 'He was really under the cosh.
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156. 'Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend.
OK, enough mooning.
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157. 'Let's strap on the nosebag
and eat some serious work. '
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158. I mean, does that look like
a pyramid to you?
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159. Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.
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160. And... it's like a big, lovely club
with free money for everyone?
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161. - It sounds great, but...
- Free money for everyone.
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162. Ha! Look out the window.
That'll never happen in this old world.
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163. No, see, the early birds
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164. are going to find their bird table
covered in money pie.
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165. - Right...
- But the Johnny and Sally Come-Latelys,
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166. they get a slice of the pie
but then they look closer
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167. and - oh, dear - it's only pastry.
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168. Boo-hoo, Johnny and Sally.
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169. Are you with me?
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170. 'Blown it with Sophie.
Who's next?
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171. 'Big Suze?
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172. 'Never met her.
Not necessarily a disadvantage.
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173. 'Why don't I ever get
this fucking thing fixed?
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174. 'Every night... Ah, it always comes out
eventually. Fuck it. '
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175. - Hey, Mark. Liked the cartoon.
- Oh, I'm so... You did?
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176. Yeah, it's meant to be me and Barbara
from Personnel, right?
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177. And... she's handing me
this heart of holiday pay
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178. but in the heart, it's just...
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179. - Race hate?
- Exactly.
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180. That's so Barbara. She's such a racist.
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181. Huh, huh. Right. Exactly.
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182. Listen, Sophie, I was wondering
if I could get your home number.
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183. I mean, for work, in case I need to
swap a shift or... That is, if you don't...
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184. No, I don't, if that's what you want.
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185. 'She's actually writing it. '
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186. There you go. See you later.
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187. Oh, hang on. This isn't enough numbers.
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188. Oh, no, it is enough numbers.
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189. 'Oh, God, I hope she doesn't mind
about my balls. '
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190. 'One step out of line. The slightest hint
of maverick behaviour and you're out. '
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191. Exactly. If it's such a bad thing to do
things by the book, there'd be no book.
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192. 'Must keep an eye on him if
he gets it. JLB doesn't need a maverick. '
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193. - So anyway, things went rather well -
- I bet he did it.
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194. Oh, what? Just because he's black?
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195. No, I mean, not because...
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196. - He was at the garage at the beginning.
- I know what you meant.
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197. Anyway, in the end,
I got Sophie's number.
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198. We know he's the only one
with the key to the lock-up.
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199. So do you think I should give her a call?
I probably should.
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200. - I don't know if I should.
- Maybe you should.
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201. OK, listen, if God's doing mountains
or sky or water, I'll call.
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202. - If he's doing trees or critters, I won't.
- All right, let God decide. Ready?
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203. Yeah, sky!
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204. Right, here goes.
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205. 'And with a large brush,
I'm gonna... '
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206. 'The following names were
presented to us by temping agencies. '
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207. - Answerphone.
- Ah, you see!
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208. He did do it, but for a nice reason.
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209. Who's the racist now, Mark?
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210. Er, Sophie. If you heard that,
please ignore it. I'm not a racist.
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211. Far from it.
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212. Anyway...
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213. It's good to hear your voice.
I know it's only a recording
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214. but you have got a bloody nice voice
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215. and...
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216. God, I just called up to say hi and then...
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217. ? Then I go and spoil it all
by saying something stupid like...
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218. I mean, not that.
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219. But anyway...
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220. I noticed that the paper in
the photocopier is running a bit low so...
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221. I know it's not really your job but...
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222. You know, so... See you tomorrow.
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223. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
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224. - Oh, fuck!
- Oh, my God.
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225. - Jesus!
- I've really fucked it. Have I fucked it?
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226. Maybe it was charming.
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227. - It was the behaviour of an oddball.
- No, not an oddball. A maverick.
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228. You may not play by the rules, but...
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229. by Christ, you get results.
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230. Come on, let's go and have a drink.
Forget about it.
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231. Have you forgotten about
the phone call yet?
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232. - No.
- Right.
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233. How much washing-up do you think
you could do without washing-up liquid?
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234. - I'm sorry?
- Exactly. And friends and colleagues?
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235. Everyone needs cleaning products
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236. and that's never gonna change, right?
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237. - Why are you talking like this?
- Very interesting question.
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238. The first thing to say is
that this is not pyramid selling.
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239. - You're doing pyramid selling?
- Not pyramid selling.
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240. - I can't believe you're pyramid selling.
- Listen, it's not, it's network marketing
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241. and it's a guaranteed money-making...
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242. - I've seen the charts.
- Oh, the charts.
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243. - You didn't tell me about the charts!
- Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?
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244. I'm trying to protect you from...
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245. pissing all over yourself.
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246. I'm not about to piss
all over myself. I'm...
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247. I'm pissing... into the big time.
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248. - You're still coming to the interview.
- Well, I thought...
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249. Listen, Jeremy. You don't understand.
Nothing you want will ever happen.
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250. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red.
People don't walk on stilts.
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251. Maybe somewhere, you can earn a living
drinking margaritas through a straw
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252. but in this world, you've got to turn up,
log on and grind out.
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253. But if you get in early...
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254. Come Friday,
you will owe me three months' rent.
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255. You're coming to the interview.
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256. OK.
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257. 'I'll come to the interview,
all right, but I won't be getting the job. '
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258. What?
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259. Er, nothing, just...
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260. something funny.
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261. Can you...?
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262. 'Maybe she did find it charming.
Yeah, maybe.
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263. 'Just work out her... I could say
Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it
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264. 'because he's a crackhead
and he does that all the time.
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265. 'Yeah, that sounds great - me in my
crack house. You can be a crack bitch
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266. 'and sit on my... Shit!
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267. 'Shit, piss, poo, pants, bollocks.
Yes, blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes!
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268. 'You can't touch me in the Ardennes,
concealed in the cupboard.
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269. 'Everything's OK in the cupboard.
I'm safe in the cupboard. '
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270. Mark?
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271. - You're in the stationery cupboard.
- That's right, Jeff.
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272. OK... Right.
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273. Well...
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274. - I hope you're having a good time.
- Yeah, well...
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275. Hi, Mark.
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276. Hi... Sophie.
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277. I'm just in the cupboard right now.
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278. - About the message, we'll talk later, OK?
- Er, yeah, fine.
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279. 'Here we go. Operation Come Over
Like An Unemployable Freak. '
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280. Jeremy Osbourne?
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281. Hi, I'm Barbara.
Do you want to walk this way?
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282. Right you are.
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283. I might wobble
because I'm a bit pissed from last night
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284. and I don't want to get your hopes up
cos I must say...
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285. - I'm only really here because...
- Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.
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286. - 'Oh, shit. '
- Mark would be one of your managers.
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287. 'Must be careful. Don't want the job
or to piss off the land baron. '
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288. 'He looks like crap. '
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289. We have to make sure
we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak
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290. and kept everything above board.
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291. So if I can outline the basic requirements
of the role you'll be undertaking.
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292. You'll be responsible for updating
and maintaining the filing system.
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293. That may not sound important
but the truth is...
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294. 'Shit, what's she talking about?
Nod. Look serious.
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295. 'I'm Di, she's Bashir. '
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296. whole company communicates...
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297. 'He'll be able
to pay off the Blockbusters fine,
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298. 'plus I'll be able to order him around.
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299. 'Not horrible, just...
"Jeremy, could you file this for me?
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300. "'Jeremy, could you take that for me?
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301. "'Jeremy, could you suck this for me... "
Jesus! Where did that come from? '
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302. It's a valuable asset.
Do you have any experience in this field?
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303. Er, I've done quite a lot, actually.
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304. I mean, not formal filing
but alphabeti-pi-cising the videos,
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305. doing the spices...
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306. I'd want to build on that experience
in a professional zone.
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307. Sphere. I meant sphere.
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308. 'God, that sounded amazing!
Don't accidentally get the bugger. '
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309. We're doing great.
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310. So, I see you used to be a nurse.
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311. Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?
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312. Yeah, I suppose it would, actually,
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313. although I'm looking for something
more relaxing.
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314. Challenging. He means, challenging.
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315. - I expect Jeremy knows what he means.
- Yes, right.
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316. No, challenging is right
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317. but a bit more of a relaxing challenge.
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318. More like doing a crossword
than a tracheotomy.
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319. - Right.
- 'Oh, shit.
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320. 'My natural bloody charm's
only swinging it. Got to do something. '
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321. - Are you OK?
- What?
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322. - It's just a thing I have.
- What thing?
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323. Facial spasming.
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324. Facial spa... You do not have...
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325. - I do... sometimes.
- Well, er...
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326. I guess that's everything. Jeremy,
is there anything you'd like to ask?
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327. Yes, Barbara. Yes, there is.
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328. How much washing-up do you think you
could do without any washing-up liquid?
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329. - No, Jeremy.
- Where's this...?
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330. - It's a unique business opportunity.
- It's pyramid selling.
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331. - It's not pyramid selling, Mark.
- It is.
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332. - You're making a fool of yourself.
- You're pissing on my bonfire!
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333. - There is no bonfire!
- Because you keep pissing on it!
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334. Sheesh. This is low. This is really low.
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335. Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy
elves and pixies.
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336. What does that mean? I literally have
no idea what that is supposed to mean!
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337. OK...
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338. Well, thanks for coming in.
We'll be in touch.
Copy !req
339. 'Well, that was a fucking disaster.
I want reparations - brutal reparations!
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340. 'I want the Rhineland.
It's going to be 1919 all over again.
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341. 'Fuck the inevitable backlash!
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342. 'OK. It's OK, Mark. Later.
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343. 'Now, calm.
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344. 'Calm, honest and mature. '
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345. Hi, Sophie.
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346. Hey, Mark.
I just bumped into your flatmate.
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347. - Oh... yeah?
- He kept talking about washing up.
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348. - Very funny. Like Jim Carrey.
- Huh. Yeah, I know what you mean.
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349. 'Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy. '
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350. But listen, Sophie...
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351. About the message last night.
I want to kind of come clean really.
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352. It's a bit embarrassing but...
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353. Well...
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354. the thing is...
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355. Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh,
makes me say things with a bread knife.
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356. - He's obviously not a crackhead but...
- Uh-huh. OK.
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357. Yeah.
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358. Look, you don't have to...
About the phone message,
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359. - you don't have to be embarrassed.
- I don't?
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360. - No, it's just one of those things.
- Is it? It is?
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361. Oh, right. Fantastic.
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362. And... you haven't told anyone about it?
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363. Of course not.
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364. - Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- 'Calm down. She's not Pontius Pilate. '
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365. Yeah, well, you know...
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366. The truth is...
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367. The truth is I suppose...
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368. I like you.
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369. That's why I said the song. I like you.
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370. Is that such a crime?
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371. Should I be hounded to the ends
of the earth just for liking you?
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372. I like you and if you can't handle it,
you can just...
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373. you know...
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374. fuck off.
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375. No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.
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376. Good.
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377. Right, excellent. OK.
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378. Bye.
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379. Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy.
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380. He was quite the find.
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381. Er, yeah...
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382. Right, I'm really sorry.
I mean, I thought it would be a good...
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383. that he might... but...
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384. Hey! Hey, there!
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385. Feeling better now, are we?
Fully recovered?
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386. Hey, I see you!
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387. I see you!
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388. He used to have a limp!
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389. I mean, he pretended to have a limp.
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390. He's a faking little pegleg!
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391. Hi, Jeff.
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392. 'Well, fuck you if you're
not doing small talk. I'm not helping.
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393. 'Let's die together. '
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394. ? And then I go and spoil it all
by saying something stupid like
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395. ? And then I go and spoil it all
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396. ? By saying something stupid
like I love you
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397. ? I can see it in your eyes
that you despise the same old lies
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398. ? You heard the night before
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399. ? And though it's just a line to you
For me, it's true
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