Peacemaker 2x6

1. I wanna make a toast

2. to my goofball son, Chrisper.

3. You've had some hard times...

4. but you came out the other side a better man.

5. Yeah.

6. And lucky for us,

7. you realized that this gorgeous little lady here

8. is about the best thing that ever happened to you.

9. Hear fucking hear!

10. - Yeah. - Here, then.

11. Such wise words, August.

12. Yep.

13. You can ask. We'll go with you.

14. I'm nervous.

15. - Please. - Please, please, please, please.

16. - Come on, let's go. - Boy.

17. - Come on, come on. Go. - So uncool.

18. Mr. Blue Dragon,

19. can we get a photo with all you guys?

20. Absolutely, kids. Gather around.

21. Blue Dragon loves taking selfies.

22. Except he's terrible at it.

23. If you want pictures of your foreheads,

24. - let him take it. - Can you believe that?

25. That's my own son talking to me like that.

26. You're giving him way too much respect.

27. Look, it's a horrible photo.

28. Can you put me in the picture?

29. - Yeah, that's a little much. - Emilia, can you save the day?

30. All right, all right. I'll take it.

31. She's a professional selfie person.

32. All right, get in here. Get in here.

33. - Here we go. - All right. You ready?

34. Everybody say, "Top Trio."

35. - Top Trio! - Top Trio!

36. You sure this is our best option?

37. ARGUS doesn't know Vigilante's secret identity,

38. so if we connect from here, they won't find it.

39. Hey, just so you guys know,

40. my mom can be a total be-atch.

41. Is she going to rat us out?

42. - No. - Well, then we don't have another choice.

43. Are you sure you wanna do this?

44. You can have your whole career back

45. if you just turn that silver container into ARGUS.

46. All you've talked about for months is getting your job back.

47. Then we better do it before I change my mind.

48. John, are you in?

49. No, I'm not in.

50. I'm just incredibly susceptible to peer pressure.

51. - Adrian! - Hi, Mom.

52. We're going to my secret room. You're not allowed to follow.

53. Hi, Mrs. Chase. I'm Lee, Adrian's friend.

54. His friend?

55. Adrian doesn't bring his friends around very often.

56. Not since the D&D group broke up.

57. He didn't have enough players,

58. so I became a 40th level cutpurse.

59. Jesus, Mom,

60. what part of "You're not allowed to follow,"

61. don't you understand?

62. I'm sorry, Adrian. I'm so sorry.

63. If you're sorry, why are you still coming? Jesus, fuck.

64. Anyone else here have a mom

65. who's a fucking tick on your dick all the time?

66. You must be John.

67. - Jesus! - You're not that dorky.

68. And don't tell me.

69. This is Hardcore?

70. - Shut up, Mom! - Harcourt, not Hardcore.

71. I thought it was Har—

72. You're not alone, but no.

73. Mom, we're going into my secret room now,

74. so do you mind? Scoot.

75. Of course. Of course. I'm sorry.

76. And I am so sorry if Adrian hurt you.

77. - Mom, shut up! - Excuse me?

78. I was just so excited that he had a girlfriend.

79. - Mom, shut up! Shut up. - Girlfriend?

80. I don't think that being too slutty

81. - is any reason to break up. - Mom, stop!

82. Mom, would you please fuck off?

83. - Go. Mom! - I told Adrian...

84. - Stop! - ... it's a new era.

85. People have the pornography on their phone now.

86. Please, fuck off!

87. - They can't help but be slutty. - Just zip it.

88. It's up to a mature man

89. - to teach his partner... - Oh my God.

90. about how making love can be a way to connect.

91. - Oh my God. - Yeah.

92. You're hurting my brain. Stop!

93. Stop!

94. I'm sorry.

95. I guess these lovers' quarrels are none of my beeswax.

96. I'll see you all when you come upstairs.

97. I'll make sammiches!

98. She's great.

99. Yeah, that was so weird. She has dementia.

100. I think she was confusing you with my other girlfriend.

101. Weird. Yeah.

102. Also, sometimes I have to say stuff

103. to hide that I'm out doing superhero stuff.

104. Yeah, like I'm slutty?

105. Yeah, I have to base it in some truth.

106. Wow.

107. Holy hell.

108. What in the fuck is this?

109. You know, if I bust up a drug ring or whatever,

110. I just take everything and I put it here.

111. - Why? - Because if I give it to the cops,

112. there's a good chance they're corrupt and they could steal it.

113. Or worse, use it themselves.

114. Dude, there has to be, like, millions of dollars here.

115. Adrian, just last week you told me you were broke

116. and asked me to pay for your breakfast.

117. Well, I'm not gonna use this, man. No way.

118. It's blood money, you crazy?

119. Yeah, man, you don't want to deal with blood money,

120. and that shit goes to the grave with you. Trust me.

121. Hey, what do you guys think the chances are

122. I'll meet another me in there?

123. Prob— Probably not too likely.

124. But— But... we should try to avoid shit like that

125. just in case we cause a dimensional disturbance

126. - and explode or something. - It might be worth it, though.

127. How about this?

128. That should work.

129. Okay, but just be careful. That's my Beanie Baby collection.

130. I'm pretty sure the market is about to bounce back

131. and they're gonna be worth a shitload.

132. What's with all the ostriches?

133. Stretch? He's the cutest of them all.

134. Okay, I think you do this.

135. Okay, everybody move back a little.

136. Move back? How far back?

137. Just go all the way to the wall.

138. God damn it.

139. This is fucked.

140. We are fucked, man. We are insane.

141. Is this what it's supposed to do?

142. What the fuck!

143. I have fucking cocaine all over me!

144. Fuck, Adrian!

145. Why can't you fucking flush your drugs down the toilet

146. like a normal person?

147. Because of the alligators in the sewer system,

148. you callous piece of shit.

149. - What? - Oh my God.

150. As if the addiction epidemic facing the country isn't bad enough,

151. he also wants the alligators in the sewers to be junkies.

152. You're a moron.

153. What the fuck does that have to do with alligators?

154. Speaking of which,

155. does anyone want to quiz me on alligator facts?

156. - No! - No!

157. That seemed rehearsed.

158. This is unbelievable.

159. Okay, how about I just spit out alligator facts

160. until there's one you know,

161. - and then whoever knows it takes over? - No, Adrian.

162. Stop it. Come on.

163. How could Chris not tell us about any of this?

164. He said it was like me being Methodist.

165. It was so normal to him.

166. He grew up with it, so he didn't think twice about it.

167. - Alligators have four stomachs. - That's cows.

168. Jesus fucking Christ.

169. Hi.

170. Don't wave at it.

171. Why? I'm being friendly.

172. You don't know what waving means to that thing.

173. The peace sign means "fuck you" in England

174. and we speak the same fucking language.

175. It means "up yours," not "fuck you."

176. Okay. Well, I'll be sure in pointing out the nuances

177. to the Xenomorph over there

178. after he rips your head off

179. for telling him his favorite son should die

180. 'cause that's what fucking waving means.

181. What are you fucking doing?

182. Waving means your favorite son should die?

183. - No. - No.

184. That's such a simple gesture

185. to mean something so complicated that you'll hardly ever say.

186. How do we know where Chris went?

187. He said there was a lock on the door like the one back there

188. and a rack of Peacemaker helmets.

189. We just need to look for that.

190. - Hey, Chief. - Yeah?

191. In addition to losing Peacemaker,

192. Economos and Emilia Harcourt are both MIA.

193. Jesus Christ.

194. Has Judomaster made any contact?

195. No. Can't find him either.

196. Fuck me, man!

197. We need to find Peacemaker.

198. I don't think you understand how important this is

199. to the United States, to the world.

200. Well, I don't know the protocol.

201. - Should we put out an APB on— - Just stop. Just stop.

202. Don't do anything.

203. Just give me a second to think.

204. You're kidding me, right?

205. Alone.

206. - Please. - Okay.

207. Cool.

208. Fucking idiots.

209. Jessica, have the jet prepped

210. to leave for St. Roch, Louisiana in a half hour.

211. I want you to call the warden of Belle Reve Prison.

212. You tell him I'm coming to meet a prisoner.

213. Guys.

214. Guys, come over here.

215. Yo, can you hear me? Hey!

216. Wow.

217. I guess that rules out this being a figment of Chris's imagination.

218. Yeah.

219. Hey, John, can you hack this lock?

220. Not without all my shit.

221. Two-six-one-zero-one-one.

222. What?

223. That's Chris's dad's code. I'm guessing it's the same.

224. Say it again.

225. Two-six-one-zero-one-one.

226. No wonder Chris likes it here.

227. Top of the town.

228. Nice digs.

229. Reverse Peacemaker's rolling in it.

230. How the heck are we supposed to find him?

231. I don't know. Maybe just find some place to camp out here until he's back.

232. Don't you think I should go and see if there's another me somewhere?

233. Why would you do that?

234. Because maybe I'm best friends with Peacemaker here, too.

235. That's probably a constant throughout the multiverse.

236. And I bet Vigilante 2 is a rad guy who could help us out.

237. I wouldn't count on that. Chris's doppelganger tried to kill him.

238. I know.

239. I helped him incinerate his corpse.

240. Fucking creepy.

241. This is fucked up.

242. This whole fucking thing is really fucking wrong, Ads.

243. There's no way Chris should be here.

244. Like, maybe just trust in the wisdom of the universe

245. just a little bit.

246. It put us in a completely different dimension—

247. Emilia?

248. Sorry, I just took a shit in there.

249. It's...

250. rancid.

251. So, what's up? How's it going?

252. Good. Good. I thought you were with Chris.

253. I was. I was. But, you know...

254. He said he was heading to ARGUS.

255. I figured you two just would be together.

256. No. No, no, no.

257. He dropped me off here so that I could...

258. pick up...

259. this thing... for him.

260. Why would he want you to get that?

261. Right?

262. Yeah, I mean, he said, you know, take this thing and...

263. put it on your desk, so...

264. You know, you...

265. you shake it and then snow comes.

266. That's what most snow globes do.

267. Right?

268. Yeah, why was he so weird about it?

269. Our mother gave him that on her deathbed.

270. So, I'm just

271. kind of surprised he's giving it to you.

272. Me too.

273. Yeah.

274. Well...

275. I guess I should get going back to work.

276. I'm— I'm heading to ARGUS if you want a ride.

277. Oh.

278. I...

279. Okay, sure. Why not?

280. You know, it's wild.

281. I've never seen you wear black before.

282. - No? - No.

283. - Or pants. - Pants?

284. What, I'm always in my fucking underwear?

285. You're just as weird as your boyfriend is.

286. You got white stuff in your hair, by the way.

287. Thanks for pointing that out.

288. What'd she do that for?

289. Maybe she's hoping he'll lead her straight to Chris.

290. Who was that?

291. That was Chris's dead brother, Keith.

292. Oh, no. Are you fucking kidding me?

293. No.

294. Oh my God.

295. Yo.

296. Oh my God. Don't throw up, man.

297. Why is that making you throw up?

298. It's too fucking weird.

299. Being weird doesn't make normal people throw up.

300. - I've never even heard of that. - It happens all the time.

301. I thought it was neat to meet someone dead.

302. Also, not normal.

303. We— We should turn back.

304. Go back and forget this shit.

305. And just leave Harcourt here, too?

306. - Get the fuck out of here. - Right.

307. What I think we need to do is divide and conquer.

308. - No. - I should go

309. - and find my other self... - No!

310. and question him about Peacemaker. Why no?

311. Adrian, yesterday you were crying in my arms

312. - because Chris left us. - No, I wasn't.

313. Okay.

314. I wasn't crying. That wasn't crying, Ads.

315. I gave you a hug to comfort you.

316. You were crying like a little baby!

317. All right, whatever the case,

318. it seems like now you don't even care about Chris.

319. You just want to meet your other self.

320. Maybe we just stay here forever.

321. Wow, that's a sharp left turn.

322. I mean, everything I like is here.

323. Eagly, Peacemaker, you guys, another me.

324. I mean, if they have manta rays and crows, I'm good to go.

325. We are going back after we get Chris,

326. - and now Harcourt. - Okay, well,

327. then I need to go find myself and question him.

328. No, Adrian, come on, man.

329. I'll be right back. I won't be long.

330. Come the fuck on.

331. You like Helloween?

332. - Helloween? - Yeah.

333. They say it's between them and the Beatles.

334. For what?

335. Greatest rock band ever.

336. I mean, I know. It's a stupid argument.

337. It's subjective.

338. But to me... Helloween, I mean, they might have all the hits,

339. but... they didn't revolutionize rock and roll

340. the way that Mick, Paul, George, and Ringo did.

341. - Mick? - Jagger?

342. Lead singer of the Beatles?

343. - Right. Yeah. - Yeah.

344. - Sorry. - It's...

345. God, Chris is spot-on about you.

346. You spent all those years in books.

347. You don't know the first thing about the most basic

348. of pop culture trivia.

349. I mean, I love it.

350. 'Cause me and Chris, God, we need you to class us up.

351. Really.

352. Yep.

353. Yeah, I've spent my whole life in books.

354. Hey, Keith wanted me to go down to ARGUS

355. to fill out some paperwork on the Kaiju fight.

356. You want me to wait? You want me to meet you down there?

357. No, no worries. You go ahead.

358. I'll meet you there.

359. I've got some stuff to take care of here.

360. Whoa, whoa, girl!

361. Eva! Eva!

362. Heel! Heel!

363. I'm sorry, miss. Eva detects an illicit substance.

364. I'm gonna need you to hold right there.

365. Fucking Adrian.

366. Hey, guys,

367. I'm sure there's just been a misunderstanding here.

368. I'm sure, sir.

369. But I'm gonna need you to come with me, miss.

370. I— I'm sorry.

371. I'm so sorry, Miss Harcourt.

372. Don't worry, we'll get you out of this.

373. - I'll get this back to you. - Shove it up your ass.

374. Right this way, miss.

375. Oh my gosh! My house looks almost exactly the same.

376. So cool.

377. What?

378. Who are you guys?

379. You're a chipmunk in my world.

380. What—

381. What is this?

382. Did I make you? Supposed to be a snake, not a dragon.

383. What? But there's supposed to be three! Why are there six?

384. What do six cats have to talk about?

385. Oh my God, what the fuck is this?

386. They spell it just a little differently.

387. Oh my God, that's amazing.

388. I'm keeping this shit.

389. My Dad's not gay here.

390. No way.

391. Are you kidding me?

392. Yes.

393. Unbelievable.

394. Hello?

395. What the fuck?

396. Who are you, and why are you here?

397. Dude, hold on. Hold on, hold on, dude. Dude.

398. It's me.

399. I'm you from another dimension.

400. My keys worked to get in here.

401. Are you fucking kidding me?

402. - No! - Holy shit!

403. - Hey! - We—

404. We Spider-Man meme'd!

405. Hey! Hey! Hey!

406. - Hey! - Hey!

407. So, we're just supposed to wait here until they get back?

408. What else are we gonna do?

409. We should probably wait back in our world, don't you think?

410. I mean, what if the White Dragon shows up?

411. Dude, why did you even come?

412. Eagly!

413. Dude, what are you doing?

414. Creating a mess.

415. Boy.

416. God.

417. Yo, we gotta clean this up.

418. We're traveling between dimensions to clean up Eagly's bullshit?

419. - Fuck, Jesus. - Okay, all right.

420. General Flag. What an unexpected delight.

421. Lex.

422. Last time I saw you,

423. you were denying metahumans were a threat.

424. And now it seems

425. they're taking over the world.

426. Sort of, yeah.

427. You have the Justice Gang and Superman determining international politics.

428. Meanwhile, I'm here in Belle Reve

429. listening to a bear-sized man with dragon skin

430. butt-fucking a glowing twink with cartoon eyes

431. in a cell beside me every night.

432. I did everything I could

433. to eradicate the metahuman blight,

434. and now I'm enshrouded in it for the next...

435. What did the judge say?

436. Two hundred and sixty-five years.

437. What if I can get you transferred to another prison?

438. What kind of other prison?

439. One with no metahumans.

440. I see you need my help, and you're here to barter.

441. Well, if you're willing to start

442. with an offer of choicer surroundings,

443. then where you end will undoubtedly be significantly better.

444. So, why don't you just start with your final offer

445. and not waste either of our times?

446. You won't be able to outmaneuver me in negotiations, General.

447. I don't even know if you can give me what I need, Lex.

448. Then, by all means, what is it you're looking for?

449. You heard of Peacemaker?

450. - Meta? - No.

451. Just a costumed vigilante.

452. Then who gives a shit? Being goofy is no threat.

453. But he's in possession of some kind of dimensional portal.

454. He's able to move it around.

455. Keeps popping in and out of the Maridal Radar.

456. I need to find it.

457. Why?

458. For one thing, I don't need another rift tearing apart half the city.

459. That hurts.

460. But I have another idea.

461. One which could be beneficial for all of us.

462. So, if I had a scanner,

463. say, that could pinpoint the location of that portal,

464. that would be of use?

465. Yes, it would.

466. Enough to give me my freedom.

467. Not a fucking chance. Not gonna happen, Lex.

468. Then what could I get?

469. What is the United States government willing to give me to stop this clown?

470. An opportunity for redemption.

471. I'm listening.

472. Thanks, man.

473. Hey, thanks. I appreciate you letting me in.

474. I know it's not protocol.

475. - Are they letting me out of here or what? - What are you doing?

476. How'd you even get here? What the fuck is going on?

477. What are you doing, Chris?

478. I told you. I wrote the letter.

479. That letter was bullshit.

480. It was fucking heartfelt!

481. Fuck that shit!

482. I fucking forgave you for double-crossing me.

483. I didn't fucking double-cross you, Chris.

484. - I saved your goddamn life. - What?

485. A cyborg had a gun pointed at your head and was about to take you out.

486. The only way that I could save you was to do what I did.

487. And you should have fucking known that.

488. You should know that I would never, ever do something like that to you.

489. - Sorry. - And so that hurt my feelings,

490. to be honest.

491. You want to talk about feelings?

492. Jesus, fuck, I said sorry! How many times do you want me to say it?

493. At least give me fucking twice.

494. Okay.

495. Are they letting me out of here?

496. You didn't have any drugs on you.

497. I trust your blood isn't gonna test positive?

498. Of course not.

499. Yeah, so I think so. Why were you covered in cocaine?

500. Because Vigilante's a moron and has Al Capone's vault in his basement.

501. Never been. Heard about it. A lot of Beanie Babies?

502. Not as many as kilos of fentanyl.

503. Why are you here?

504. We're all here, Chris.

505. To get you to come back.

506. Me, Ads, Adrian, even Economos.

507. You can't do this, man. This isn't where you belong.

508. I tried to talk to you about this in the park.

509. In the park,

510. surrounded by agents with guns pointed at your head.

511. That's where you wanted to have a real heart-to-heart?

512. Fine! Let's talk about it now.

513. Why don't you tell me how you feel?

514. - What? - About what happened on the boat.

515. Oh my God.

516. It's always the boat.

517. You can't even talk about it. That's the thing.

518. And you never even told me about you and Rick Flag Junior.

519. I know.

520. So, what, you guys were a thing?

521. He was my friend, and he had a girlfriend.

522. But I guess, yeah, we had a thing, as mortifying as that is to say.

523. This whole time, I've been trying

524. to get close to somebody whose boyfriend I killed.

525. - He wasn't my boyfriend. - Yeah.

526. I didn't hide it, Chris.

527. I made my disdain for you pretty apparent when we first met.

528. Yeah.

529. That changed, of course. I...

530. - I know you don't hate me. - I know you know I don't.

531. But I'm in love with you, Emilia.

532. Yeah, I know.

533. Yeah, I figured.

534. You know, can we just talk about that then, maybe?

535. Just tell me the truth.

536. Do you have feelings about me or not?

537. So, what? So, you're going to stay here

538. if I don't and come home if I do?

539. See? You just keep talking around it.

540. Chris, I'm a fucking nightmare!

541. I don't care.

542. I do, okay?

543. I don't have access to my feelings like you do.

544. So— So, you're right, what you said on the roof the other night.

545. What I do is I go and I get in bar fights.

546. - I know. - Just so I can fucking feel something.

547. And I still love you.

548. Are you coming back or not?

549. - I can't. - Yes, you can.

550. Emilia, my dad...

551. my brother.

552. You know, I...

553. I like the other you, you know?

554. She's nice. She's not you.

555. But I can't just run out on these people.

556. Fucking bullshit.

557. Blood tested negative for drugs. She's clear to go.

558. Did he give you what you need?

559. - He did. - And in return?

560. We're going to transfer him to Van Kull.

561. - And? - Not much else.

562. Other than now we're partners with Lex Luthor.

563. Okay, here's one. What's the best Pokémon?

564. - Infernape! - Yes!

565. What's the best thing to press your face against?

566. - Shag carpeting. - Yes!

567. But what's the worst thing to softly touch you?

568. Human skin.

569. Yes.

570. What's the coolest thing about a platypus?

571. Poisonous spike on the back of his ankles!

572. Are you able to pee if something's touching your butt?

573. - No way. I look down upon people who can. - Right?

574. Do you ever look up at the clouds,

575. and you see a face in the clouds looking down at you,

576. and you go, "This isn't a figment of my imagination,

577. that's a cloud man looking down at me,

578. and now I have to go inside, so he can't see me?"

579. Every day. Is your favorite color teal?

580. Yes. Is your favorite food Malt-O-Meal?

581. Yes. Does your hair look best at 3:00 p.m.?

582. Yes. Is your best friend Peacemaker?

583. - Peacemaker? - Yes.

584. - I fucking hate that guy. - What?

585. I've dedicated my entire life to tearing down everything he stands for.

586. You're friends with Peacemaker?

587. Yes. He's... He's my BFF. We're two peas in a pod.

588. Peacemaker? Christopher Smith?

589. - Yeah. - He's my fucking archenemy.

590. He's the reason I joined the Sons of Liberty

591. - in the first place. - The what?

592. Wanna go for a walk?

593. No way.

594. Just around the block, John.

595. Clear our heads.

596. It's safer than in here.

597. I'm staying.

598. Fine.

599. Suit yourself.

600. Oh, that's not trash.

601. Hey, Billy, how's it going?

602. Miss Harcourt? Miss Harcourt!

603. You don't notice anything weird here?

604. No, like what?

605. She's there!

606. I haven't seen a single person of color ever since I've been here.

607. No way.

608. One got out! A Black!

609. What?

610. Hey!

611. - Stop her! - I've got her!

612. What the fuck?

613. Fuck me.

614. This is your perfect world, huh?

615. No! No! No!

616. My fucking hand, bro!

617. - Who the fuck are you? - I'm John Economos.

618. I'm from another dimension.

619. I'm here to get our friend Peacemaker,

620. who's your son, but he's not really your son.

621. I guess he killed your son.

622. Fuck, I am saying way too much.

623. Fuck!

624. Guards, arrest that woman. That isn't me.

625. Shit!

626. That's what our mother gave him on her deathbed.

627. Yeah, she was a lovely lady.

628. Yeah, she was really nice to me.

629. We had a great connection, she and I.

630. She passed away when he was two.

631. Right. Yeah, we talk to her sometimes.

632. In the afterlife?

633. Yes, she's a ghost.

634. Okay.

635. She... haunts.