Peacemaker 2x4

1. What the fuck is that?

2. Dad, don't!

3. Tell me "don't"?

4. Since when I take orders from you?

5. Dad, there's something over there,

6. where he was going.

7. Lion to Claws,

8. we'll be there in less than ten minutes.

9. Copy, Lion.

10. What are you looking at?

11. Remember that time you smashed my car with a truck

12. and snuck up behind me and hit me in the head with a tire iron?

13. - Yeah. Why? - Just curious.

14. Well, it was a great fucking moment.

15. Hot take.

16. You hit this little Chinaman with a tire iron?

17. I'm Vietnamese, Wild Bill Suckcock.

18. And yes, he did.

19. I wish I'd killed him.

20. I wish he was sitting there right now, dead.

21. You wish my corpse was here in front of you?

22. - Yes. - You would carry it around

23. - with you everywhere? - Yeah, 'cause you're small and light,

24. and it's a reminder of my victory.

25. So, you'd torment my loved ones

26. who'd have to watch you carry around my dead body?

27. You're taking it a little too seriously now.

28. Shit, Ginger Cool, you are hardcore.

29. Hey, fuck you too, asshole.

30. Shit.

31. GC is a little upset 'cause we're about to go arrest his friend

32. and kill his favorite parrot.

33. You know, I wasn't gonna say anything,

34. but does Bordeaux know that you were making faces

35. when you were on the phone with her?

36. I don't know what this man is talking about.

37. If I was making a face, then that comes with having a face.

38. What kind of faces?

39. He winked at me

40. like he had you wrapped around his fucking finger.

41. - You winked at him? - No.

42. I'll take a polygraph. I don't give a shit.

43. If I did, it was a wink like, "Hey, we're all in this together."

44. When the fuck does a wink mean "we're all in this together"?

45. I'm from Illinois. It— Maybe it's a Midwestern thing.

46. I spent many years in the hills of Illi-noise hunting balds,

47. and ain't nobody ever winked at my ass to say we're in this together.

48. And that there is a point for Hagrid here.

49. I don't want you on my side, you fucking psychopath.

50. You judge me for ridding the world of beak-ed vermin

51. when you hit a little incapacitated Chinaman!

52. He just said he was from Vietnam, asshole.

53. Well, ain't that one of the places Chinamens come from?

54. Question, are you the dumbest cunt who's ever existed, or just top five?

55. That ain't nice at all, son.

56. Shut the fuck up, all of you!

57. Hey, I didn't say anything.

58. Now, you did, didn't you?

59. Jesus.

60. Eagly?

61. Eagly, what happened?

62. - Claws to Lion. Copy? - Copy, Claws.

63. We're in position.

64. - Waiting on your word. - Less than a minute out.

65. No.

66. It's not your food. This is my food.

67. My food's over here. Your food's over there.

68. Fuck it.

69. "Get..."

70. "Get out— Get out of your house innediately"?

71. Or maybe he means "immediately," I don't know.

72. "Argus tagent." What the fuck is a "tagent"?

73. Oh, fuck. Wait.

74. We'll enter at the front.

75. Jagger and Kline, make your way to the back.

76. Fleury, left side. Economos and St. Wild, right.

77. Shit!

78. Well, you said I didn't have to work with Captain Cultural Appropriation.

79. Fuck. Fine.

80. Shit.

81. Eagly, we gotta go.

82. No, bro.

83. We gotta go!

84. Motherfucker!

85. Hey, hey. Here. Yeah, yeah.

86. That's right. Yeah, baloney? Yeah, come on. Come on.

87. Come on.

88. Eagle droppings.

89. That's good.

90. Four days old.

91. Hints of... cold cuts.

92. Tater chips.

93. Ki...

94. ai!

95. Come on!

96. What the hell, bro?

97. You screwed the world once. I won't let you do it again.

98. Say goodbye, demonic bir—

99. Oh, shit.

100. You're like a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe...

101. I just can't pick off.

102. Yes!

103. Snap.

104. "... like to gift you..."

105. Man, this is so fucking cool.

106. Here we go.

107. Snap.

108. Pretty sweet, huh?

109. "ASAP"?

110. Somebody get Economos.

111. Thank God.

112. Man. That was insane. It's the craziest thing I've—

113. Oh, my God.

114. What the hell happened?

115. I... I came up behind you when you were about to shoot Eagl—

116. That eagle.

117. Yeah, I remember getting a beat on it,

118. - but I can't quite remember... - Yeah, and—

119. - ... anything after. - And then a...

120. Another eagle.

121. - Another eagle? - Yeah, a... a...

122. a second eagle

123. flew in fast and, boom!

124. Just knocked you over and you slammed into that rock.

125. No, no, no, that don't make no sense, son.

126. - No? - I mean, eagles are solitary creatures.

127. Yes, that's what's so weird, right?

128. This could only mean one thing.

129. The eagle I was about to shoot was the...

130. was the primal eagle

131. foretold in the Yakama and Meskwaki myths.

132. - What? - The eagle that rules over all the eagles.

133. Everything in my life has led me to this moment, son.

134. To kill the primal eagle!

135. The soul of our country shall be purged of all of our transgressions

136. against all the native and indigenous peoples of this land.

137. That's the one thing it could mean?

138. 'Cause I—

139. I feel like it could mean a lot of different things.

140. - Nope. - And I feel like

141. - you're just making up a bunch of stuff... - Nope.

142. just to rationalize your weird desire to kill eagles.

143. No, sir.

144. It's kind of strangely condescending to Native Americans.

145. Well, son, we disagree on some of the specifics.

146. But at the end of the day,

147. we both agree what's most important.

148. That so-called Eagly needs to die.

149. We don't agree on that at all.

150. We most certainly do.

151. - No. - Yes, we do.

152. Economos. Bordeaux needs to see you. Now.

153. What happened to you?

154. My third eye's been opened, son.

155. Ain't no way that eagle's gonna hide from me now.

156. Ads!

157. Eagly!

158. - We gotta go. - Yo, what's going on?

159. We gotta go fast. I gotta move the dimensional portal.

160. - You gotta what? - We gotta go, please, Ads.

161. What are you wearing?

162. - Ads, fucking go! - Okay, okay, where?

163. Head towards Settlers' Hills.

164. Vij. Yeah. I need you to pick up some doors at Lowe's.

165. Yeah? What do you want?

166. What's your problem, Economos?

167. Who can say?

168. I couldn't possibly be upset that I'm teamed up

169. with an insane redneck bird-killer

170. and some little kung fu Bulbasaur

171. who once tried to murder me,

172. while we try to arrest my friend.

173. How wacky would that be?

174. Well, get over it.

175. I'm not getting paid to deal with your shit.

176. I think you kind of are.

177. What?

178. If you read my dossier, you'd know I have social deficiencies

179. that are worth dealing with for all my other talents.

180. So, you do kind of explicitly get paid

181. to deal with my shit.

182. You are one curmudgeonly motherfucker, Ginger Cool.

183. What the fuck?

184. I told you not to call me that.

185. - Motherfucker! - Back off, Fleury.

186. What kind of grown man spits on another person?

187. Is one of your talents that you can hack the lock on this door?

188. - If I had my equipment. - Where is your equipment?

189. It's in the mobile unit.

190. Outside, 20 feet away.

191. - No. - No?

192. - It's 30 feet. - Go fucking get it, John.

193. Yeah.

194. We're all in this together, right?

195. What did you mean you have to move the portal?

196. I mean, I gotta transfer the door from my dad's house

197. to where we're going, if we make it in time.

198. - Transfer? - Yeah.

199. I use this to do it. I don't know if I still can.

200. I was a kid the last time I did it.

201. - A kid? - Yeah. Moved it twice.

202. Once when we found it in the woods to my dad's trailer.

203. I think my dad was afraid it was dangerous,

204. so he had me and Keith do it.

205. - What a champ. - Yeah.

206. And then I did it again myself when we moved to my dad's house.

207. Your dad didn't make the portal?

208. No way.

209. I thought he was some sort of super genius.

210. You fucking kidding? He flunked out of tenth grade.

211. So, how'd he make all them helmets and stuff?

212. It's... complicated.

213. - Yeah? - Yeah, you're gonna get me arrested.

214. I almost killed a guy while saving Eagly's life.

215. - What? How? - It's not important.

216. I'm about to go in there and pick the lock on that closet door.

217. Economos, I need you to stall them for a little bit.

218. - There isn't time. - Just a little bit.

219. Okay? All right?

220. I'll try, okay?

221. Fuck! I—

222. Bordeaux sent me out here to help.

223. Yeah, I don't need help. I just... need this thing, okay?

224. Fuck.

225. What's so important about this door?

226. Okay.

227. Six months ago, right?

228. I'm fucking around in there with Eagly.

229. Just letting him fly around. It's cold outside.

230. He disappears for a minute.

231. And I go running after him. I'm yelling, screaming for him.

232. I find him.

233. He's by a door that's not mine, but he's squawking at it.

234. And then I realize the lock is exactly like mine.

235. And weirder, it's got a rack of Peacemaker helmets next to it.

236. What?

237. I don't know why, but I tried my dad's code.

238. It worked.

239. - So, I went in and... - Wow.

240. my dad was there alive.

241. Chris. This is like after your father died.

242. - It's not. - You saw him then.

243. - It's not the same. - Those visions, they haunted you.

244. They messed with you. I was worried, bro.

245. It's... It's not the same, okay?

246. This isn't my mind playing tricks on me, all right?

247. It's one of the 99 doorways to other dimensions in there.

248. And it leads to a parallel world that's almost exactly like ours,

249. but it's better.

250. - Better? - Yeah.

251. It's not just my dad.

252. It's Keith.

253. He's alive.

254. We're best friends. Him and my dad.

255. All three of us. We fight crime together. They...

256. They call us the Top Trio.

257. - The Top Trio? - Yeah.

258. There's murals.

259. Wait, this is it. Make a left.

260. - What is this place? - It belonged to my grandfather.

261. We used to come up here with my dad when we hunted.

262. There's fucking spiders everywhere.

263. Adrian would love this.

264. - Goddamn it. - Shit!

265. Okay.

266. There's different ways to crack this code.

267. Which way's best?

268. You don't know?

269. I'm trying to think through the various possibilities.

270. Didn't you hack into the CIA when you were 14?

271. I did. That's how I got recruited.

272. - Yeah. - And you can't hack this?

273. I can. I just want to find the best possible way.

274. And I got caught hacking into the CIA.

275. And I promised myself I would never make that mistake again.

276. Quit stalling, John.

277. I'm not stalling. That's a f...

278. That's just a weird thing to say to a—

279. Just do whatever way is best.

280. Fine.

281. I'm gonna use this thing.

282. Great.

283. This is a...

284. This is a good thing to...

285. to use.

286. I just plug it in.

287. I mean, obviously, it's not a wireless.

288. I just gotta hook up the leads to...

289. Yeah.

290. I just have to... hit this switch.

291. Whoa! Whoa.

292. What?

293. - You guys hear a cat? - A cat?

294. Yeah, it sounds like a kitten crying out.

295. I'm worried it might be stuck in a drawer. Should we check all the—

296. I don't care if there's a cat in a drawer.

297. Okay. Callous.

298. - Just open it, Economos! - Open the door!

299. Just do it, asshole.

300. Okay, fine.

301. As long as we just go back and get the cat afterwards.

302. This is the part I'm not so sure about.

303. Whoa!

304. Okay, here's where I need you to go outside.

305. - Why? - Just do it.

306. I'll be right behind you.

307. What the fuck?

308. Shit!

309. Is that what you wanted it to do?

310. Maybe.

311. Whoa.

312. General, Sasha Bordeaux is on line one.

313. Sasha.

314. Nothing?

315. Why would he have a lock like that on a closet with old sweaters?

316. Right.

317. Jeannie, get me an address for Emilia Harcourt.

318. Hey, kid.

319. General, I—

320. You do not have to call me General. It's Rick, you know that.

321. Rick. Right.

322. Mind if I come in?

323. Of course, sir.

324. You doing okay?

325. Yes, sir. You?

326. Yeah.

327. Heard you were injured a while back.

328. Yeah, I broke my back. Waller's bullshit.

329. Right. Congratulations on the promotion.

330. Director.

331. - You want some coffee, or... - Sure.

332. - A smidge of milk, no sugar? - Yeah.

333. And yet you can't remember to call me Rick.

334. You remember what you told me after the funeral?

335. - Sir. - Rick.

336. Rick.

337. At the end of the day, Smith killed your son

338. because Waller ordered him to.

339. Yeah, me in Pokolistan, you and Ricky in Corto Maltese,

340. we all defied Waller's orders when she went too far.

341. Yeah.

342. I'm not judging you.

343. I'm sure you miss Ricky, too.

344. Can't imagine you flew across the country to talk about your son, General.

345. No.

346. So, you know...

347. you have been black-booked?

348. Yeah, I was fairly certain that was the case.

349. It is.

350. Waller did it?

351. On her way out the door, yeah.

352. So, I can't be hired by any of the intelligence agencies

353. for the rest of my life.

354. That's what it means, yeah.

355. Fucking...

356. That's—

357. That is fucking bullshit,

358. - to be honest, General. - I know.

359. I was one among five agents who eradicated an alien threat,

360. saving countless lives,

361. and I nearly lost my life in the process.

362. I had nothing to do with Amanda Waller's daughter

363. outing her on national TV.

364. Had Agent Adebayo asked my advice, I would have strongly advised against it

365. and offered other potential solutions for keeping Agent Smith out of prison.

366. So, I have no fucking idea

367. why I am the one being black-booked here.

368. You know Waller, kid.

369. Woman can hold a grudge.

370. She needed to blame somebody for corrupting her daughter,

371. and, rightly or wrongly, that fell on you.

372. So, my 18 years of service to my country means fucking nothing?

373. Don't tell me you were in this for the accolades, Emilia.

374. Accolades, I can live without.

375. I'd rather not do without my utilities, which are about to be shut off.

376. That's why I'm here.

377. I'm thinking there may be a way for you to get back

378. in the good graces of the U.S. government.

379. Anything.

380. You have to bring us Peacemaker.

381. My ad just came out in Pro Soldier.

382. - Pro Soldier? - That's right.

383. Now, I'm just waiting for the calls to start rolling in.

384. Ads, Pro Soldier is a scam.

385. - What? - Yeah, nobody reads it.

386. They make all their money off...

387. wannabe mercenaries buying their advertising.

388. How many copies they sell?

389. - I don't know, like, 12? - Thousand?

390. No.

391. - Twelve hundred? - Nope. You see where this is going?

392. - Fuck! - Yeah. Twelve.

393. I know all the guys who read it, and they're not hiring anybody.

394. They're just watching the Game Show Network,

395. collecting their urine in jars, posting on psoriasis Reddit threads.

396. I get it. I get it.

397. Yeah. I'm sorry.

398. - Is there a you in there? - What?

399. You say there's your dad, there's your brother,

400. but is there a you in there?

401. I got kinda fucked up.

402. How?

403. Well, I didn't mean to, you know.

404. Mean to what?

405. Kill him.

406. You killed your own self from a parallel dimension?

407. It was self-defense. He was gonna kill me. He found me in his room.

408. Doing what?

409. Looking at a picture of me and Emilia Harcourt, like, in love.

410. Back the fuck up.

411. She's dating Rick Flag Junior, who's still alive,

412. but really still in love with me.

413. Rick Flag Junior is in love with you?

414. - No! No, Harcourt. - Wait, okay.

415. This is becoming some fucked-up Twilight Zone shit.

416. Yeah, right.

417. You ever thought that maybe there ain't another dimension at all?

418. - What? - Like, maybe you walk

419. through that door in there and you're in some sort of world

420. that messes with your mind and gives you whatever it is you wanted,

421. but none of it's real.

422. No, I'm pretty sure it's real.

423. At the end of the day, does it matter?

424. - Yeah. - Why?

425. You can't be thinking about going back in there.

426. - I have to. - Why?

427. First off, my brother, okay?

428. Losing him as a kid, that was the worst moment of my life.

429. Now, he's gonna lose me if I don't—

430. He already lost his brother if you killed him, Chris.

431. - You don't understand. - Maybe I do.

432. I owe Emilia an explanation about something.

433. About what?

434. Whether or not I wanna explore a relationship with her.

435. What?

436. I'm not just gonna fucking stand the girl up.

437. She's damaged enough. He cheated on her.

438. Dude, if it's real, which I still very much doubt,

439. she thinks you're somebody else.

440. No, not really. We have the same DNA.

441. - I passed a fucking eye test. - What's an eye test?

442. Where they put that thing over your eye!

443. - Like at the airport? - Yes. Yeah.

444. He's like me, except more of a dick

445. - with worse taste in clothes. - I find that hard to believe.

446. Look what I'm wearing!

447. Looks like a Saudi prince vomited his fucking dining room all over me.

448. - You're wearing his clothes? - You think I bought this, Ads?

449. That's fucking hateful.

450. Chris, no matter how green the grass is over there,

451. our biggest problems in life are the ones that we carry within ourselves.

452. Everything else evens out.

453. This is where God put you. You belong here.

454. - Maybe I don't. - Why?

455. Maybe the universe fucked up, Ads, you know?

456. You know, maybe I belong in there,

457. and my asshole doppelganger belongs here.

458. But some fucking cosmic occurrence switched us.

459. So, I end up in the dark dimension where I can't catch a fucking break.

460. He ends up in the land of goodness and light

461. with a brother who's still alive

462. and a father who fucking loves him.

463. The good us.

464. Where I'm a fucking hero.

465. It don't feel right, Chris.

466. P— P— P— Peacemaker!

467. Hey, Ads.

468. Hey, Adrian.

469. I got some doors and hinges, just like you asked.

470. Quantum Unfolding Chamber?

471. Sick.

472. I've been in there a bunch of times, you know,

473. it's best-friend stuff.

474. And I bet there's another me in there somewhere.

475. - Don't you think? - I don't know, Adrian.

476. Let's see if we can fit one of those doors on here.

477. Fu—

478. - Vij, I need to borrow your ride. - Where are you going?

479. To see Harcourt.

480. Is that safe?

481. I need her to answer a question before I know what to do next.

482. Take the phone.

483. I don't trust him. Watch him.

484. Did you find anything out?

485. Emilia, this is your one shot getting back in the good graces of ARGUS.

486. This is bullshit.

487. - I don't deserve this and neither does he. - Emilia.

488. I'm going to meet him now.

489. Kupperberg Park, at Hartley and Vermont.

490. I'll keep him occupied and distracted, and then you come in.

491. And it better be more than just these two bozos.

492. These what?

493. You're not taking the Peacemaker down alone.

494. We'll have everyone there.

495. You're doing the right thing, Emilia.

496. I know I am.

497. Settlers' Hills.

498. I got you, motherfucker.

499. Eagle droppings.

500. Four days old. Hints of cold cuts, tater chips.

501. - No. - I get hints of peppermint,

502. SPAM, Twizzlers. M&Ms.

503. Fruity Pebbles, and...

504. - And... - I... I get it.

505. protein powder. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

506. Tikka masala.

507. Come on, man, you can't really tell.

508. Lima beans, pad Thai,

509. A-5 Wagyu.

510. - He ate all that... - Yeah.

511. since his fucking last shit?

512. Beluga caviar.

513. There's no fucking way you know what beluga caviar tastes like.

514. Oh, my God.

515. That eagle eats better than I do.