Peacemaker 2x3

1. Hey. Come back to bed.

2. I have to get ready for work, Rick. So do you.

3. Don't remind me.

4. You ship out today. You should really be with June.

5. You're jealous?

6. You know I'm not. I'm just not fond of lying.

7. Yeah. Well, she's a fucking sorceress.

8. And?

9. And I'm afraid if I break up with her,

10. she's gonna burrow a hole through the planet.

11. - Dude. - What?

12. Can you possibly self-aggrandize more?

13. I'm serious.

14. I know. That's the problem.

15. Maybe it's worth it.

16. What?

17. A hole through the planet.

18. Me and you.

19. You're the only friend I have, Rick.

20. And I'm pretty sure I'm yours. You want to fuck that up?

21. Newsflash, Emilia Harcourt, we already fucked that up.

22. I'm serious.

23. Come on.

24. You ship out to Corto Maltese in two hours.

25. Peacemaker, what a joke.

26. Dude, what are you doing?

27. Dude, it's past eleven.

28. Dude.

29. Where the fuck have you been?

30. Dad and I have been freaked out. There's blood in the library.

31. - Where the fuck did that come from? - What library?

32. Our library?

33. Yeah, I...

34. - call that the trophy room. - Since when?

35. Where have you been?

36. - Are you hungover? - A little bit.

37. I thought you were gonna slow down with all that.

38. I mean, at least it's just alcohol.

39. It is just alcohol, right?

40. Yeah. Yeah.

41. All right, get up. Come on.

42. - I'm fixing us some eggs. - Okay.

43. Okay.

44. Shit.

45. Fuck.

46. Come on. Piss!

47. What the fuck?

48. Whoa.

49. Keith. Sorry, but I gotta go!

50. Also, why do all my clothes look like the Kardashians' furniture! Huh?

51. Who are the Kardashians?

52. Seriously?

53. Where are you going?

54. I took your advice.

55. I'm going to see Harcourt.

56. What about the jarhead?

57. Fuck him.

58. Agreed.

59. Fuck him!

60. Fuck that guy.

61. Hey. Before I go,

62. pop quiz.

63. - Pop quiz? - Yes.

64. Can you name the entire address, including zip code,

65. of Emilia Harcourt's workplace?

66. What?

67. - Come on, this is fun. - It's not fun. It's weird.

68. Why would I know the address of ARGUS?

69. ARGUS. Okay, second question.

70. That counts as right?

71. Can I borrow the keys to your truck?

72. What kind of fucking pop quiz is this?

73. - I don't make the rules, bro. - It seems like you very much do.

74. - Why are you being so weird? - Just answer the question.

75. Why don't you drive your fucking Peace-cycle?

76. That's the correct answer.

77. What the fuck?

78. Oh yeah.

79. Peacemaker!

80. Peacemaker, I love you!

81. Love you too, little man.

82. Peacemaker! I love you!

83. - Peacemaker! - That's a bit much.

84. Peacemaker!

85. Best. Dimension. Ever.

86. Shit. Dude.

87. My head.

88. How much did we drink last night?

89. Shoot.

90. I need some water.

91. You drank as much as anyone here.

92. Aren't you in agony?

93. Does it help somehow to bitch about it?

94. - You want some coffee? - Just water.

95. Chris stormed out of here last night.

96. Did something go down between you two?

97. No. Just Chris being Chris.

98. I don't mean just last night,

99. but, like, a couple of weeks ago?

100. Because you guys were hanging out, like, a lot, and then...

101. So, did something happen between you two then?

102. No.

103. No way.

104. How would you know?

105. 'Cause Peacemaker's my best friend, and we share everything with each other.

106. - Yeah? - Even all our deepest, darkest secrets.

107. Like what?

108. Like, you know, like...

109. Okay. Don't make fun of me, but how...

110. I like spiders.

111. Peacemaker taught me that that's not something I should be ashamed of.

112. Along with owls and dolphins and manta rays,

113. they're one of my favorite animals,

114. and no matter how much I can tell you're both judging me right now,

115. I'm not gonna be ashamed of that.

116. So, your deep, dark secret is that you dig spiders?

117. Yes. I know it makes me ghoulish,

118. but, you know, we all have our faults.

119. Adrian, how many people have you killed?

120. How many is a shit-ton?

121. Wait, why are you changing the subject?

122. Hey, are you wearing my robe?

123. I know everything there is to know about spiders.

124. - You wanna quiz me on some spider facts? - No.

125. I could probably take a spider test right now

126. and get a professional entomology degree.

127. A spider test.

128. Crows. Crows are also one of my favorites.

129. Adrian, it is too early for this.

130. You guys aren't on the crow train?

131. Oh my God, I know so many crow facts.

132. Do you know they're the only bird to use tools?

133. - No, I didn't. - Yeah.

134. They can take a paper clip,

135. straighten it out, and then if another crow is being a dick,

136. he can stab him to death with it.

137. Crows do that?

138. I didn't say they do do it. I said they could.

139. - You know what, Adrian? - No. What?

140. John fell asleep in the bathtub last night.

141. I'm suddenly getting afraid he choked on his own vomit in there.

142. Fuck!

143. Why are you just telling me this now?

144. Why are you encouraging him?

145. I'm sorry. I fell face-first in the Adrian vortex.

146. Whoa, what are you doing?

147. I'm making sure you're alive.

148. Why are your fingers in my mouth?

149. I'm checking for throw-up.

150. Jesus Christ, dude!

151. Wait, wait, wait.

152. So, did something happen between Chris and you, or no?

153. Nothing happened.

154. I'm gonna get some sun. You coming?

155. Want to quiz me on some spider facts?

156. I'm here to see Emilia Harcourt.

157. Mr. Smith! So good to see you.

158. Hey, what's up, old buddy?

159. Good to see you again too.

160. You keeping our country safe, huh?

161. Absolutely.

162. How did Mr. Grant's test turn out?

163. Very positive.

164. That's terrible.

165. Right?

166. I was hoping it wasn't cancer.

167. Can you just put your eye there across from the scanner, sir?

168. Yeah, yes.

169. - Just like this? - That's perfect.

170. All set.

171. Picture of me.

172. Third floor, of course.

173. Ms. Harcourt will be waiting for you.

174. He just said

175. you guys went on a party boat a couple weeks ago,

176. and you kinda ghosted him after.

177. I didn't ghost anyone.

178. Did something happen?

179. - Where? - On the party boat.

180. No, Ads. I told you, no.

181. - Well... - Well, what?

182. - Why not? - Are you kidding me?

183. No. Chris, he's nice. He's funny.

184. He's got splendid hygiene.

185. Yeah, other than the eagle shit everywhere.

186. Other than that, he's super-yoked,

187. nice jawline,

188. and he's in love with you.

189. Shut up.

190. - What? - He's not.

191. He sat by your bed for five days while you were in a coma, Em.

192. He wears a fucking clown costume.

193. - Dude. - What?

194. I'm just saying, I love you,

195. but you're not exactly the picture of a balanced life.

196. All right.

197. When I first met you, I thought you had it all together.

198. And I'm not saying you don't come off cool, you do.

199. But since really getting to know you,

200. I realized you're more fucked up than anyone I know.

201. Okay, Economos and Vigilante?

202. Well, not them,

203. but you're a fucking train wreck.

204. Okay.

205. What's that?

206. That's you exploding 'cause you're so fucked up.

207. Look, your point is taken,

208. but me and Chris is not a thing.

209. It's never gonna be a thing.

210. He know that?

211. When he gets really happy,

212. he's got one ear that just, like, sticks up.

213. - Just the one ear. Cute. - Thank you.

214. I think I'm going to have to rescue, like, seven more dogs.

215. - This is fucking stupid. - Hey.

216. What's going on, Chris?

217. Jesus fucking Christ.

218. You got, like, some business or something here?

219. What's up, Rick?

220. Just asking you.

221. How you doing, man?

222. - Going— - Chris.

223. Yeah, I was just asking him what he's doing here.

224. If he's got, like, something official, or something I should be a part of.

225. No, Rick, it's personal.

226. - Personal? - It's...

227. friendly.

228. Chris wanted to talk.

229. - Just wanted to talk, huh? - Yeah.

230. Like, about what, dude?

231. Hey, Rick, will you just— will let us talk?

232. Yeah. Of course. I'm cool.

233. Hey, Harcourt.

234. Oh hey, Smith.

235. What, we're calling each other by our last names now?

236. No, just being funny.

237. - Hilarious. - Sorry.

238. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was...

239. I didn't mean to bust your balls.

240. So, hey.

241. - Hey. - Hey.

242. Hey.

243. Oh my God.

244. I am so sorry. He was not supposed to be in today.

245. The jarhead?

246. I don't know why you and Keith call him that.

247. He's army, not Marines, so not a jarhead.

248. Yeah. Right.

249. Let's just go out, okay? Is that cool?

250. - Sure. Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.

251. - Sh— shit. Shit! Shit! - Come on.

252. Hey, that's not supposed to be around the corner.

253. - I— I— I told you that. - Whoops.

254. See, this is all,

255. shit, a big problem.

256. Glad you came.

257. Me too.

258. We're both going down at the same time. You know what they call that?

259. I don't.

260. An elevator ride.

261. - Is that what they call it? - Some of the kids do.

262. How many eyes does a tarantula have?

263. Trick question.

264. Eyes by definition come in pairs, so two.

265. Tarantulas have eight eyes.

266. Shit.

267. You said that so confidently, I had to actually look back at my phone.

268. Eyes don't always come in pairs.

269. Right.

270. I forgot about Martians, one big eye.

271. Ask me if tarantulas are furry.

272. I already know they're furry and it's gross.

273. That's a little harsh.

274. - Fuck. - Who is it?

275. Hello?

276. Why didn't you tell us Smith has some kind of super-powered duck?

277. A meta-duck.

278. He doesn't have a super-powered duck.

279. He's got a regular eagle.

280. That regular eagle

281. just took down five agents.

282. One's in the ICU.

283. Another lost an eye.

284. Another one needs to have reconstructive facial surgery.

285. Fuck. Okay, I'll be right in.

286. Make it fast.

287. He told me duck.

288. What kind of man takes advantage of another man's bird blindness?

289. Sorry. Excuse me. Okay.

290. Who was that?

291. Fucking work. I gotta go.

292. Where the fuck are my pants?

293. I washed and folded them and put them on the kitchen counter.

294. Jesus Christ, why would you fucking do that?

295. Hey, they have some pretty good hot dogs over there.

296. - You want a hot dog? - Sure.

297. - Thank you. - Good.

298. What do you want on here? You want some mustard?

299. Actually, you got this?

300. - I got it, I got it. - All right, cool, no problem.

301. - Okay... - Oh my God.

302. - Oh my God. I'm so sorry. - No, no, no, that's good, that's good.

303. I'm gonna take this one. I like a lot of mustard,

304. like a one-to-one mustard to hot dog ratio, so...

305. - Do you? - This is gonna work for me.

306. - Is it? - I'm just gonna...

307. I don't know what else to do. Can I get a straw?

308. So, you wanted to talk?

309. Well, yeah, I...

310. I just wanted to see what's going on.

311. What's that mean?

312. You know,

313. see what's happening.

314. What's happening?

315. With, like, you and Rick Flag or whatever.

316. I mean, he's a good guy.

317. He's not gonna fuck around on me.

318. What?

319. No...

320. it's good that he doesn't do that.

321. You know, I've...

322. changed a lot since I last saw you.

323. - Yeah, you seem less arrogant. - Yeah?

324. Sorry. I mean...

325. No, no, no, no, no.

326. I've actually been working on that.

327. That and a lot of other stuff.

328. - What? - Like your delts.

329. I'm just waiting for you to say like your delts.

330. Always my delts, you know.

331. But seriously, stuff like...

332. how I push people away by being a dick.

333. And just trauma that I've had my whole life that I just

334. let define me, you know?

335. What?

336. You really are different.

337. I am.

338. Last night in the texts...

339. Sorry, I was a little drunk.

340. - You think? - Sorry.

341. You said you wanted to explore things?

342. Yeah.

343. What did you...

344. - Mean? - Yeah.

345. This is what I meant. This.

346. Like, to see you.

347. See if anything was there.

348. The last thing I need is

349. getting my heart broken again because you're curious, Chris.

350. Right.

351. You really hurt me.

352. I'm sorry.

353. I mean, if I was ever to reconsider things...

354. Yeah?

355. I couldn't have somebody fucking around on me all the time.

356. I wouldn't do that.

357. - Sure. - I'm serious.

358. And I couldn't have someone walking out on me

359. just because they thought I was, like,

360. criticizing their driving or whatever.

361. Right. That's bullshit.

362. Somebody would really have to fucking commit.

363. I don't know. We'd both have to—

364. - to think about it, you know? - Yeah.

365. The last thing I need is you being impulsive

366. and saying you want this

367. and then changing your mind three days later,

368. Chris-Smith-style.

369. Okay.

370. I'll think about it.

371. I mean,

372. you know, I guess if all those things were in place,

373. we could see where we were.

374. Yeah.

375. I— I should get back to—

376. Jerry!

377. Fuck!

378. Hey, you can't come in here with that stuff! Stop!

379. Everybody get the fuck on the floor!

380. The man said, "Down on the motherfucking ground!"

381. - You okay? - Yeah.

382. Oh Jesus.

383. Fucking Sons again.

384. They're gonna kill more people.

385. We, the Sons of Liberty,

386. are united in fighting our oppressors.

387. They have ruled all of us under their corrupt thumb

388. - for long enough. - No, no.

389. That is why we're gonna continue to destroy

390. one governmental agency a week

391. until our demands are met.

392. Hey, if any of you pigs come closer,

393. I swear to God somebody in here is gonna die.

394. Move quickly but carefully.

395. This stuff is dangerous.

396. You all saw what happened to Jerry out there.

397. Step the fuck back!

398. I need backup. I need it right now.

399. Everything you got. Step back, lady.

400. ARGUS.

401. - Sorry, ma'am. - What do we know?

402. A group of them went in, maybe nine or ten, carrying bags.

403. There could be enough cefanalolol explosives in them

404. - to blow up the whole block. - "Cefanalolol"?

405. That a real word?

406. The same as was used to blow up

407. that Housing and Development office last week.

408. "Housing and Development"?

409. Chris, I think you should stand down.

410. I think you might be having a reaction to the blow.

411. No, I got a little dizzy, shaken up. I'm— I'm fine.

412. We got backup on the way,

413. but it's only gonna take the Sons of Liberty

414. a few minutes to set up that bomb.

415. Chris, where are you going?

416. I'll be back in a minute. I'm fine.

417. You got a way to your roof?

418. I gotta get these little guys out of here, man,

419. before they blow them all up.

420. Hey. I'm going to stop that from happening, okay?

421. I gotta get to your roof.

422. - It's in there. - Yeah.

423. Come on, little guy.

424. Oh my God.

425. Hey, you hear something?

426. Quit freaking out, dude.

427. I heard something, though.

428. - Upstairs. - Yeah, then go check it out.

429. - That guy's Peacemaker, right? - Yeah.

430. But he ain't wearing his suit.

431. No.

432. Wait.

433. What happened?

434. Hey! That's close enough!

435. Somebody here is gonna die

436. just looking for an excuse to kill this state-owned bitch!

437. So, just give it to me.

438. Fuck was that?

439. Brad, you there?

440. Jim?

441. Gary, you better go check that out.

442. Yeah, I— I don't get it. Everyone seems to be—

443. Just finish it and let's get the fuck out of here.

444. A— Amy!

445. Where are you, motherfucker?

446. I'll fucking kill you.

447. That's our ride.

448. Let's go.

449. Let's go!

450. Should be any minute!

451. We've waited long enough! We gotta go! Go! Go!

452. Fuck!

453. - You stop the bomb? - Fuck yeah!

454. Fucking Chrisper! Yeah!

455. Best dimension ever.

456. - You tip off Smith, Economos? - What? No. Me? No.

457. Then how did he know to have that bird in place?

458. - Eagly is always there. - Eagly.

459. - Yeah, read his dossier, dude. - Don't "dude" me.

460. Your life at ARGUS is hanging by a thread.

461. Don't blame me.

462. You didn't even consult me about breaking in.

463. Blame him. I told him about the eagle.

464. You told me it was a duck.

465. The fuck I did. Why would I say an eagle is a duck?

466. A practical joke.

467. Trying to use my disability against me.

468. Is it funny? Yeah. Very.

469. But you almost got Titties killed.

470. I said eagle.

471. None of this matters.

472. What matters is the dimensional discrepancy

473. Vega picked up in the house.

474. After the Metropolis incident took out half the city,

475. these type of threats are ARGUS's top priority.

476. I have every agent in the Northwest on the way to Smith's home now.

477. And I brought in Red St. Wild here to assist.

478. How you doing there, sonny boy?

479. - World's foremost eagle hunter. - Eagle hunter?

480. - He's gonna kill Eagly? - We can't take chances.

481. Ain't no one kills a eagle more good than me.

482. Yeah, that's nothing to be proud of.

483. In what fucking country is hunting eagles even allowed?

484. For the next few hours, ours.

485. First, we kill the bird.

486. And any other eagle in the vicinity?

487. No, just the bird in the house.

488. Then we do our best to take Smith alive.

489. I'm sorry, our best?

490. I know he's your buddy, Economos.

491. But if he really is in possession of a dimensional portal,

492. he's not going to see the outside of a prison

493. for the rest of his life.

494. Are you in or not?

495. I'm not. Fuck this.

496. - Then you're fired. - I'm in.

497. But I don't wanna work with some piece of shit eagle killer.

498. - Come on, man. - You don't have to.

499. I'm partnering you up with our new agent,

500. Rip Jagger.

501. Who the fuck is Rip Jagger?

502. Hey, fatty.

503. Fuck!

504. Everything good?

505. Yeah. Yeah.

506. Thanks.

507. You good, man?

508. Yeah, I'm great.

509. Dad's just been a little worried, you know?

510. You've been disappearing even more than usual.

511. You aren't, like...

512. taking the pills again or anything?

513. No.

514. You know I love you no matter what, right?

515. I mean, I don't say it enough, but...

516. you're my brother,

517. and you always will be no matter what you do.

518. And you can always tell me what's going on.

519. I really...

520. missed you.

521. More than you could ever...

522. You don't gotta miss me, man. I'm right here.

523. I'm not going anywhere.

524. I never will go anywhere.

525. I am now and always will be your big brother.

526. I love you, buddy.

527. You did good today.

528. Sleep well.