1. Happy sweet sixteen Taylor
in that *** gold shit.
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2. He fucks it up, I'm coming down
to his gay fucking bakery
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3. and take a giant shit down his hole!
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4. His mouth hole!
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5. - Jesus fuckin' Christ. You got kids?
- Haven't met that special lady, yet.
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6. Yeah well don't.
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7. Nothing but bitching. Hundred bottles
of custom nonalcoholic cristal,
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8. a four thousand dollar hooker dress,
and 40 grand for this asshole rapper
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9. "Dro Grizzle" to mumble
his bullshit for an hour.
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10. - You know this rap shit?
- More of a "Sting" man, myself
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11. all to try and get one
fucking smile outta that kid.
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12. Not to worry, at Party Down
we have extra smiles to pass around.
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13. I hope the jackets fit.
We had valhalla catering,
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14. but those cocksuckers
double-booked us. What?
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15. Tell that motherfucker
I'm gonna rip his dick off
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16. and use it to fuck
his fucking dog in the ass!
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17. To death!
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18. God it is so weird
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19. I look like a playah in this outfit.
You look like a vaudeville clown.
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20. That's the idea.
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21. Oh shit.
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22. What are you doing?
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23. My agent made me get my teeth bleached,
but he didn't say it'd hurt this much.
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24. You have got to be the biggest
fucking pussy on the entire universe.
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25. Fuck you, it kills.
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26. Oh, wait, wait I think,
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27. - they missed one.
- Are you serious, where?
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28. - Right there.
- Dude, shit.
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29. Oh yes, you are
the biggest fuckin' pussy!
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30. Kyle, get up.
Get up please.
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31. Our client,
Leonard Stiltskin, producer,
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32. he's throwing a sixteenth birthday
for his lovely daughter Taylor.
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33. Okay, and there's a theme.
"Da club boat. "
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34. Now FYI we took over
for valhalla catering.
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35. They double-booked,
their loss, our gain.
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36. Because I wanna show Mr. Stiltskin,
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37. what true professionalism
looks like.
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38. Like fucking ass-clown.
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39. I feel like Lou Ferrigno
in this motherfucker.
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40. We look like we're in the gay
secret service or something.
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41. Do we seriously
have to wear this shit?
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42. Because today, we're not just
serving food and beverages.
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43. We are also dream weavers.
Weaving a dream for Taylor, okay?
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44. There are two hundred of the coolest
people on a luxury boat,
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45. a real rapper, and us.
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46. In costume, playing the part,
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47. because today
this boat isn't just a boat,
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48. it's a fairy-tale fantasyland,
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49. where every boy is a "playah"
and every girl a "bitch! "
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50. Party Down
S01E06
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51. Can you imagine inviting 200 people
to your party and ten losers show up?
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52. This poor girl,
I mean it's her sweet sixteen.
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53. What are you doing?
You can't just stand there do something.
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54. What should we do?
This party's a bust.
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55. It's unprofessional
to just stand around.
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56. Wipe some counters,
clean some glasses. Keep busy.
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57. - We already finished doing that stuffs.
- Well do something different.
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58. I take a shit in the middle
of the dance floor
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59. - and Kyle could clean it up?
- Be professional! Go.
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60. Dude, it stings.
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61. Where is your fuckin' kid?
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62. Well, find out and get 'em here!
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63. Never in a million years.
Where is she now?
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64. She's locked in her fucking
stateroom and won't come out.
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65. The shit I go through
to make that kid happy.
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66. What do I get? A smile?
Or maybe a "thank you daddy?
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67. Bupcuss, just six figures
down the fuckin' toilet.
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68. I'll go talk to her.
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69. Would you fuck-off
with the goddamn sliders, please.
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70. If she won't talk to her real mother.
She she is not gonna talk to you
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71. She's not going to talk to you, either.
These are girl issues.
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72. She's right.
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73. You're a girl, right?
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74. Go get my daughter out of
the fuckin' stateroom, will ya?
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75. I'm on it.
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76. - Am I early?
- Nope.
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77. Shit.
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78. Jack and ginger, then.
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79. Henry Pollard?
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80. - Michael?
- Yeah.
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81. Shit, man, it's been years.
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82. - How you doing?
- I'm, I'm good, how are you?
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83. - What are you doing here?
- I'm in Leonard's new movie.
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84. You know big breakout
of the indie world, so I had to come by,
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85. make an appearance, kiss the ring.
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86. Sure, sure, that is so great.
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87. - Yeah, what about you?
- I'm...
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88. I'm working.
You know and making money.
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89. - All right.
- Yeah, yeah, it's great,
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90. - It's great.
- Yeah.
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91. Hi honey,
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92. hi, Taylor?
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93. I'm Constance,
from Party Down catering.
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94. I'm here to see
if you wanted something.
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95. I wanna die.
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96. "Da club boat. " Good times, huh?
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97. You having fun?
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98. Great, enjoy, it's free. Yum.
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99. Where the hell have you been?
No one's covering the buffet.
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100. This kid's eaten
practically half of it.
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101. Okay where's your sunglasses?
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102. I fucking walked into a wall
on the way to the batroom.
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103. I'm not wearing those things.
I can't see shit.
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104. Oh and some guy said that
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105. - "Gruzzle" needs something?
- Oh degenerate rappers.
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106. They probably want ho's,
I'll take care of it.
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107. Watch the buffet, be professional.
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108. Professional.
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109. My middle name.
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110. Come on, come on.
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111. - They said you needed something?
- I'm on the phone, give me a second.
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112. Howard, wait.
Hold on for a second Howard.
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113. Hey can you do me a favor?
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114. Can you check
and see what time we go on stage?
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115. 'Cause we're due
in Newport for another kid's bash.
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116. - It's in our contract.
- I'll go find out.
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117. You got the number, of course
I wanna see. Hold on, last time Howard.
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118. One more thing, man?
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119. I want you to look at something.
It's a bunch of candy on the table.
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120. Like we not kids, can we get
some food, real food? Please?
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121. Right, yes very good,
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122. - I will get on that.
- Thank you man.
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123. Hey matter of fact,
what the fuck you got up in there?
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124. - I'm sorry?
- What do you have to eat, man?
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125. Well we have...
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126. We have curly fries,
we have chicken fingers,
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127. we have sirloin sliders.
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128. - That is very strong smoke.
- That's the good, man,
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129. you want some of this shit, man?
We got tons.
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130. - I'm good.
- Take a hit.
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131. No, thank you
those days are behind me.
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132. - Strictly business now.
- All right suit yourself.
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133. So...
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134. asparagus spears and...
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135. curly fries,
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136. - chicken fingers and...
- Said that already.
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137. Howard, this is where
you're messin' up at
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138. you gotta spell it out to 'em.
If this is a franchise
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139. you gotta let him know the things
that he should know. Hold on Howard,
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140. - so you said you got chicken what?
- Fingers.
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141. Chicken fingers, shit.
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142. - Did you say "franchise? "
- Yeah, business term.
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143. Yes, I know,
because actually have my own...
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144. Hey man, we really thank you
for the food, man.
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145. - That's why I'm here.
- One more thing, man,
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146. can you please find out
what time we're going on?
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147. I'm sitting here, I'm not doing
nothing. It's not professional.
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148. You're preachin'
to the choir on that one.
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149. Professionalism.
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150. - Can I get a witness?
- Is he still here?
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151. I hear that.
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152. - You're Edgar Allen Poe?
- Yeah, a graphic novel,
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153. it's the writer,
but he's killing vampires.
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154. It's Leonard's next movie.
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155. You're Edgar Allen Poe?
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156. Fuckin' up vampires
in old Baltimore.
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157. That's... that's great man,
that's great.
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158. What about you, last time I saw you
you were doing good, you were doing...
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159. those commercials with the
"are we having fun yet? "
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160. Yeah, no, that actually
kinda killed my career.
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161. - Shit.
- Yeah.
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162. That freaks me out.
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163. I mean this guy all the talent
in the world tending bar?
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164. - I should talk to Leonard.
- No, Michael, no.
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165. Really I...
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166. I actually read for him
once and think that was enough.
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167. And I'm done
the towel has been thrown.
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168. Leonard and I are tight.
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169. He listens to me.
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170. You would be perfect
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171. for young Lincoln.
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172. - Abraham Lincoln?
- When he was a congressman,
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173. he meets Poe helps him steal
his amulet from the smithsonian.
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174. Now it sounds dumb,
but it's a great role.
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175. All you need is one great role
and boom you're back!
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176. - Yeah?
- Okay?
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177. - Yeah it does some kind of great.
- Shit, I'm telling you,
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178. me playing Edgar Allen Poe,
you tending bar, it's like...
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179. The universe is crazy am I right?
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180. You're friends with famous people now,
you don't introduce me.
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181. Yeah Casey this is Michael,
Michael, Casey.
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182. Michael's playing Edgar Allen Poe
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183. In like the comic version
with the vampires?
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184. I didn't even know they were making
that movie that's amazing.
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185. - How do you know this one?
- Acting school, he was the next Pacino.
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186. I shit you not.
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187. You never say,
that you had any talent.
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188. - He's exaggerating.
- No I'm not, he was great.
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189. And I'm gonna get him back
on his feet, right?
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190. Henry come on, you, me, here, what?
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191. It's fate.
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192. - It is kind of fate.
- It's fate.
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193. - Casey?
- Yes.
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194. - What'd I say about professionalism?
- I don't remember.
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195. I said...
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196. circulate... and...
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197. Well, let's get Constance to do it.
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198. No I can't do that because
she's in the stateroom
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199. offering support
to the birthday girl.
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200. - She is, Constance is?
- Yes she is.
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201. Shit... okay, I'm gonna...
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202. - nice to meet you.
- And you.
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203. There he is.
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204. I'm supposed to be doing something.
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205. - Ron, you reek of pot.
- What?
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206. You smell like,
I thought you didn't...
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207. - I don't smoke pot.
- Well you smell like pot.
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208. Those rappers.
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209. I think I have a pretty good idea
of what "Dro Grizzle" stand for.
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210. It's slang for
"strong hydroponic marijuana. "
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211. Kinda what I was gonna guess.
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212. I gotta to bring them food.
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213. Hey Ron, Ron look,
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214. are you high?
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215. I can take care of it,
if you don't wanna be around all that.
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216. No, I have stuff
that I have to talk to them about.
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217. You just look busy.
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218. Okay.
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219. - He's so fuckin' high.
- Yeah.
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220. No, no, I know what you mean.
I was medium popular in middle school,
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221. but by the time I got to be a junior,
I was fully popular.
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222. People don't appreciate
the responsibility you have,
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223. setting the example.
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224. - How's it going?
- Hey Casey,
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225. We have a sit'chiation here,
my sister.
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226. So, Taylor is dating Chad.
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227. Who's maybe number five
in the class hottie's list.
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228. But Chad was being
kind of a douche bag lately
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229. so Tristan, probably
the top guy at school,
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230. he flirts with her at a party
they fool around,
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231. Tristan's girlfriend
finds out, tells told Chad...
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232. and now they boycotted my party.
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233. And there's no one
here but the losers.
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234. Vodka Redbull.
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235. - Club drink of choice.
- Don't say that.
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236. I used to go clubbing all the time,
before I married that thing.
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237. I love clubbing, you know I love it.
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238. - How do you deal?
- Booze, facebook, shopping.
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239. Random flings with hot guys.
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240. How would you like to be young Lincoln
in an Edgar Allen Poe film?
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241. Yeah.
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242. No, I know it's rough, but there's
friends here who came to see you.
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243. Those aren't my friends,
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244. those're just the losers I hung out with
before I got cool friends.
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245. The cool friends didn't come
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246. Okay but what I'm trying to say is
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247. that those kids are
kind of cool for showing up.
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248. Or they're just trying to hitch
a ride on your popularity.
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249. Hey it use to happened
to me all the time.
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250. It's one of the drawbacks of being
really, really popular,
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251. People try to use your popularity
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252. To make themselves
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253. seem more popular
than they really are.
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254. Can I talk to you outside?
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255. We're trying to get that girl
to come out and I just
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256. don't think anything you're saying
is helping like, at all.
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257. I know how to deal with these issues.
I was very popular.
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258. Yeah, well, okay,
I was pretty popular too.
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259. - Not like I was popular.
- You don't know...
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260. - Not for a fact.
- Is this Taylor's party?
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261. Yeah what clique are you in?
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262. This is Taylor's party,
but she's not so feeling well.
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263. - What's your name?
- Megan Linderman.
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264. Hi, I can give that to her for you.
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265. And everyone's just in the ballroom.
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266. Yeah back that way.
Bye.
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267. See ya.
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268. So can I please just talk to her
alone for a minutes, please?
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269. Tell her to hold out for Tristan.
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270. You know what a great story
this is gonna make?
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271. I was at a kids party on a boat...
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272. Henry we're good.
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273. All right watch.
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274. Okay, if he won't sign
I'll fire a bazooka up his ass.
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275. And take a giant shit down
the bazooka hole!
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276. I've got enough shit with your fucking
kid blowing off my kid's thing.
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277. He fucking better,
or you'll never see the Lakers again.
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278. Fuck you.
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279. Michael, I'm sorry,
I'm dealing with a real shitstorm, here.
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280. - No problem.
- Thank you for coming.
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281. - Larry this is Henry.
- Yeah no I'm good.
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282. No, actually Leonard...
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283. Well fuck him!
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284. Fuck his face off, and when he pick it
up off the floor, fuck him in the ass!
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285. Leonard I wanted you to meet Henry,
because he is the best actor I know.
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286. This waiter, we're talking about?
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287. He is a good waiter,
he's is a fantastic actor.
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288. - Wa... wait a second.
- Yeah, there it is,
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289. - He read for you a few years back?
- I did.
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290. All right, you come with me.
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291. - Harry, right? Doesn't matter.
- Henry.
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292. I don't know, I thought it'd be
so great being popular, but
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293. it's so confusing.
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294. I know, I was popular for like,
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295. I dunno, two years before
I figured that shit out.
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296. Cause it's like you try so hard
to be cool, right?
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297. But then if you're trying
to be cool then that's not cool.
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298. And the kids who aren't trying
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299. their the ones that seem
to having all the fun, so...
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300. I don't know, don't you wanna like
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301. forget about being "cool"
for a second and just have fun?
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302. Your friend megan's here.
She brought you this.
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303. Oh my god.
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304. We used to play this
at slumber parties like all the time.
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305. - See?
- Sweetie!
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306. God dad! Will you get out of here!
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307. Hey, hey, look who's here
to say happy birthday.
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308. - It's Michael.
- Taylor.
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309. Happy birthday, sweetheart.
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310. And look who's here
with a question for you?
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311. "Are we having fun yet? "
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312. - Right, from those commercials?
- Beer commercials
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313. She used to run around
the house saying it all the time.
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314. - Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
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315. Jesus, not even a goddamn smile?
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316. God, dad, I was, like, nine.
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317. When she was nine she wasn't a fuckin'
complete fuckin' spoil fuckin' brat!
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318. Okay we will get this
at a different...
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319. - moment.
- Okay.
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320. So do you normally
do the casting decision and stuff?
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321. Did you see "blob, extreme? "
The guy who played the fireman in that
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322. he was one of mine,
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323. but he wasn't't half
as cute as you are.
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324. I'll get you something much
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325. better in Poe.
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326. You're gonna make
a great young Lincoln.
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327. Maybe this isn't like
the best time to like do this.
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328. Don't worry about about Leonard.
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329. I never would've married him
if we didn't have an
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330. understanding.
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331. You're so hot.
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332. Thank you.
You're very hot yourself.
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333. Oh god, yeah,
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334. It's nice on the ear.
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335. So the "Dro Grizzle"
is a franchise that people can buy into?
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336. Right, right.
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337. You buy in, do your thing
under the umbrella of the brand.
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338. - You help us grow, we support you
- Here you go.
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339. Like that soup thing
you were telling us about.
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340. Soup R' Crackers.
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341. Fastest growing non-poultry,
non-coffee franchise
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342. in all of southern California.
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343. All you can eat soup, salad,
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344. - bread.
- I ain't never heard of that.
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345. You for real, like all you can eat.
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346. The only limit is
your digestive system.
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347. You find out
when we're going on, man?
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348. - You find out what time we going on?
- Right, it's nuts out there.
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349. Hey before I go,
since you guys never heard of it,
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350. I'm wondering if there's an opportunity
to open up a franchise to south central,
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351. for guys like you
who never had all you can eat soup?
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352. I might be on the ground floor
of a sensation, here.
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353. No, no you gotta check
your demographics, man.
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354. If you do, you'll find
south central L. A.
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355. is increasingly home
to a majority latino population.
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356. - Is that right?
- Dead serious.
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357. Ain't a lot of brothers
hankerin' around for no soup.
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358. - So, it's like a white thing?
- Well, put it like this,
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359. when I think about soup,
I think about Reese Witherspoon
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360. - eating that shit.
- I think Matt Damon.
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361. What about
those bitches off the hills?
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362. Nancy Reagan, old soup eatin' ass.
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363. Hannah Montana fuckin' ass.
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364. That bitch probably eatin'
some rich soup.
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365. Tiger Woods, he probably would.
I can see him eatin' that shit.
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366. The guy's part Thai.
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367. No, he come from a long
culinary tradition of exotic soups.
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368. You know what I'm saying'?
I don't imagine it's that exotic.
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369. It's more hearty soup,
like chicken rice.
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370. Now see my dilemma is,
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371. I don't see black people going nowhere
that say "cracker" anything.
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372. - That's true, I know I'm not.
- Hold on, that's interesting to me,
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373. - why is that?
- Show him why Greg.
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374. - Souper crackers.
- You don't get what he sayin',
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375. imagine your grandma
goin' into a place to buy soup
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376. and it's called
souper angry blackman.
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377. History of the south, man.
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378. All that racist shit.
Man it's just all bad.
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379. You might as well call it
"Slave whippin' soup. "
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380. "All you can eat
slave n' salad and shit. "
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381. "Lynch and soup. "
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382. What about "Soup R' Oppression"
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383. The "Jim Crow soup and salad. "
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384. "No nigger soup. "
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385. Right?
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386. No, you look awesome.
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387. Go out there and have fun, you know.
Be yourself.
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388. - Are the real friends coming?
- Constance! Just keep walking, okay.
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389. What the fuck man,
that was the best part of the comics,
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390. Edgar Allen Poe,
total alcoholic fights vampires.
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391. Well, in the script,
he's not an alcoholic.
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392. So he's not really Edgar Allen Poe.
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393. He didn't really
kill vampires, now did he, sweetheart.
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394. Is the love interest still
his 13 year old cousin?
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395. - They're lookin' at Natalie Portman.
- Who's like 40.
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396. Fuck.
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397. These assholes always
fuckin' up the comics.
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398. - You guys see Dark Knight?
- My dad said it was too violent,
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399. - he wouldn't let me go.
- Shit, we should go.
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400. Give me you number,
this weekend maybe, or...
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401. I'll come pick you up or...
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402. I'll be over here.
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403. We gotta play this.
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404. Finally, she's out.
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405. Hey you, I owe you big time,
you're Mary Todd Lincoln.
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406. - Whatever, where are those rap guys?
- They're in back.
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407. FYI, I won't pay to see Edgar Allen Poe
fight vampires sober.
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408. Nobody gives a shit
what you think, dink.
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409. People care what I think.
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410. I have a prestigious blog, sir.
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411. Nice work, Klein.
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412. I feel like an extra
in an after-school special.
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413. I do too, kind of.
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414. So what happened with Leonard?
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415. What do you mean what happened,
you were there.
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416. I know but did Michael go and talk
to him is he gonna give you a part?
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417. He's not gonna give me a part.
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418. Why?
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419. - Sometimes they give you a part.
- Come on!
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420. - It has to happen sometime.
- I remember this feeling, okay,
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421. and it's like beating my head
against that wall.
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422. - I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
- What?
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423. I didn't know,
that you loved this loser
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424. minimum wage life-style so much
that you didn't want to part with it.
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425. - I do.
- I wasn't aware.
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426. - I do.
- I'm sorry.
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427. What I should go talk to him
because what, it's fate?
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428. You should just not be
a total idiot for one second
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429. of your entire life. And just do it.
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430. Just do it.
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431. Just do it, what the fuck?
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432. All right party's on, Leonard's happy,
it's the perfect moment,
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433. - you wanna do it?
- I don't...
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434. come on,
this is how these movies end.
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435. Everyone's happy at the end.
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436. You don't wanna be
the young Abe Lincoln?
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437. No I really wanna be,
I really wanna be Lincoln.
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438. That's good!
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439. I love that.
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440. You love that?
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441. Shit!
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442. What the fuck?
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443. No bullshit, he'd be perfect
for the role of young Lincoln.
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444. Mikey, if you say so?
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445. He looks a little bit like Lincoln.
Where are those fuckin' rappers?
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446. No bullshitting he's perfect for it.
Maybe we get the script...
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447. Wait a minute now,
if he's the next Pacino,
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448. - what does that make you then?
- The next Costner.
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449. All right listen man,
can you come in to read? You mind...
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450. You gotta be fuckin' kidding me
now it's fuckin' waiters?
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451. - He's an actor.
- Beautiful and actor,
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452. so now I get to put
this fuckin' guy in a movie.
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453. Don't get your dick in a wad,
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454. it didn't get that far,
I think he's fuckin' gay.
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455. I'm not gay!
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456. My teeth!
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457. So, maybe we'll have him
call the office on Monday.
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458. Yeah, yeah sure...
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459. Here we are, fuck, about time.
Let's go man, you're on.
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460. Nah, dude, I'm done, that's it.
It says it in my contract, I'm out.
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461. You can't fucking walk out now!
We got her out of the stateroom.
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462. - What is a stateroom?
- It's what they call a room on a boat.
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463. So why don't they just call it
like that?
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464. Why don't they call
the front the front?
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465. We'll have Stephanie
fax over a script...
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466. You fuckin' walk out on me now,
I will kill your entire family
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467. chop them up
into little pieces eat them!
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468. Come over to your house the next day
and shit them out on your face.
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469. Don't do that, that's a lot of shit.
Just call our lawyer, man.
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470. Dude, good shit, man.
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471. And I mean that,
good luck with the soup shit too.
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472. When it come out,
I'ma eat some my nigga, real.
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473. Dro, I appreciate the advice.
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474. Do you know who I am,
you fuckin' fuck you, you fuckin'...
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475. - fuck!
- That's original.
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476. Tell you what Leonard,
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477. you're dealin' with a lot of stuff
let me take one off your plate,
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478. young lincoln, look at that profile
that's a penny, that's a lucky penny.
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479. I fuckin' hate Pacino.
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480. Is that right?
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481. All right, all right.
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482. So?
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483. My fate is with the losers.
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484. Feel like dancing?
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485. I think this went much better than it
would've went with Valhalla catering.
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486. Fuck off.
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487. Chad?
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488. Chad baby, I'm so sorry.
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489. Fuck this.
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490. It's like a fairy tale!
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491. You still like me, right?
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492. I do,
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493. but...
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494. I probably would like you more
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495. if you were helping Edgar Allen Poe
fight vampires.
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496. What did Stiltskin write
on the comment card?
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497. - I don't wanna say...
- Let me guess, he wrote,
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498. "You fuckin' suck at catering
you fuckin' fat
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499. fuckin' pieces of fuckin' shit,
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500. you fuckin' stupid fuckers,
fuck you. "
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501. All right you freakin' me out,
that's exactly what he said.
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502. - Word for word?
- Look.
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