1. - I JUST WANT TO CHECKCopy !req
2. ONE LAST TIME
THAT YOU'RE OKAYCopy !req
3. ABOUT THIS DATE
WITH MARK.Copy !req
4. - OH, MY GOD, I AM SO FINE
WITH IT, ANN, SERIOUSLY.Copy !req
5. IT'S SO FINE.Copy !req
6. AS LONG AS YOU AND I
ARE COOL.Copy !req
7. YOU KNOW MY CODE.Copy !req
8. HOS BEFORE BROS.Copy !req
9. UTERUSES BEFORE DUDERUSES.
- GOT IT.Copy !req
10. - OVARIES BEFORE BROVARIES.Copy !req
11. MM.Copy !req
12. YOU MAKE SUCH GOOD COFFEE.Copy !req
13. - LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING
YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT,Copy !req
14. BUT I'VE BEEN
IN THIS POSITION BEFORE.Copy !req
15. AND I HAD A FRIEND
WHO DATED AN EX,Copy !req
16. AND I SAID I WAS OKAY,
BUT I WASN'T ACTUALLY.Copy !req
17. IT WAS KIND OF WEIRD.Copy !req
18. - THE THING IS,
MARK ISN'T MY EX.Copy !req
19. YOU KNOW, WE SLEPT TOGETHER
SIX YEARS AGO.Copy !req
20. ANYWAY, I'M OVER IT.Copy !req
21. OR AM I?
I'M JUST KIDDING.Copy !req
22. - OH.Copy !req
23. - OH. OH.Copy !req
24. THIS IS ONE
OF MY GREATEST BRAINSTORMS EVER.Copy !req
25. A COMMUNITY GARDEN.Copy !req
26. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE PIT.Copy !req
27. WE'RE ENCOURAGING PEOPLE
TO JUST COME OUTCopy !req
28. AND PLANT WHATEVER THEY WANT.Copy !req
29. AND TOM AND I SOMETIMES
GET HERE EARLY AND HELP OUT.Copy !req
30. - IT'S SO HOT.Copy !req
31. I HAD TO GET
SOME MORE ICED TEA.Copy !req
32. - PEOPLE HAVE
JUST REALLY EMBRACED THISCopy !req
33. AND PLANTED THE COOLEST STUFF.Copy !req
34. AND TOM IS
OUR MASTER HORTICULTURIST.Copy !req
35. HE KNOWS ALL THE SCIENTIFIC
NAMES FOR EVERYTHING.Copy !req
36. RIGHT, TOM?
- YUP.Copy !req
37. - LIKE THIS.
WHAT'S THIS, TOM?Copy !req
38. - THOSE ARE, OF COURSE,
TOMATOES.Copy !req
39. OR SOULJABOY TELLEMS.Copy !req
40. WHENEVER LESLIE ASKS ME
FOR THE LATIN NAMESCopy !req
41. OF ANY OF OUR PLANTS,Copy !req
42. I JUST GIVE HER THE NAMES
OF RAPPERS.Copy !req
43. - AND THOSE OVER THERE?Copy !req
44. - THOSE ARE SOME DIDDIES.Copy !req
45. THERE'S SOME BONETHUGS
AND HARMONIUMS RIGHT HERE.Copy !req
46. - GROWING BEAUTIFULLY.Copy !req
47. - THOSE LUDACRISES
ARE COMING IN GREAT.Copy !req
48. - LOOK. SOMEONE PLANTED
SOMETHING NEW.Copy !req
49. WHAT'S THIS?Copy !req
50. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
CARROTS?Copy !req
51. IF THAT'S TRUE, WE HAVE
A GARDEN PEST ON OUR HANDS.Copy !req
52. MAYBE SOME KIND OF SPICE?Copy !req
53. - YEAH, YOU KNOW, LESLIE,
THE BEST WAY TO FIGURE OUTCopy !req
54. WHAT KIND OF SPICE THAT IS,Copy !req
55. IS ROLL IT UP INTO A JOINT
AND SMOKE IT.Copy !req
56. - RON, DID YOU GET MY TEXT?Copy !req
57. - NO.
- DID YOU GET MY EMAILS?Copy !req
58. - MM-MM.Copy !req
59. - DID YOU SEE
THAT I PAGED YOU?Copy !req
60. - I DID NOT.Copy !req
61. - DID YOU CHECK
YOUR VOICEMAIL?Copy !req
62. - I DIDN'T.Copy !req
63. - WE HAVE A CRIMINAL EMERGENCY
ON OUR HANDS.Copy !req
64. SOMEONE PLANTED A GATEWAY DRUG
IN THE COMMUNITY GARDEN.Copy !req
65. - OKAY.
CALL THE COPS.Copy !req
66. - THAT'LL LEAK TO THE PRESS.Copy !req
67. THEN THERE'LL BE
AN INVESTIGATION.Copy !req
68. AND THEY'LL FIND
MY FINGERPRINTS ON THE MANURE.Copy !req
69. AND THEN WE'LL LOSE
OUR FUNDING.Copy !req
70. - YOU DON'T HAVE FUNDING.Copy !req
71. - AND WE NEVER WILL
IF THIS GETS OUT.Copy !req
72. LOOK, I WILL CALL THE COPS,Copy !req
73. BUT JUST GIVE ME ONE DAY TO DEAL
WITH THIS INTERNALLY, OKAY?Copy !req
74. - SURE.
- THANK YOU.Copy !req
75. AND LISTEN,
IF THIS THING BLOWS UP,Copy !req
76. I WAS NEVER HERE.Copy !req
77. - OKAY.Copy !req
78. I HAVE A HERNIA.Copy !req
79. I'VE HAD IT FOR A WHILE.Copy !req
80. AND I'VE BEEN IGNORING IT...Copy !req
81. SUCCESSFULLY,
BUT THIS MORNING,Copy !req
82. I MADE THE MISTAKE
OF SNEEZING.Copy !req
83. BUT AS LONG AS I SIT STILLCopy !req
84. AND DON'T MOVE MY HEADCopy !req
85. OR TORSO,Copy !req
86. I'M GOOD, I GOT THIS.Copy !req
87. - WE NEED TO FIND OUT
WHO WE'RE DEALING WITH.Copy !req
88. WHO IS THIS PERSON?
WHO IS THIS KINGPIN?Copy !req
89. - IT'S A 13-YEAR-OLD KID
NAMED STEVIECopy !req
90. WHO LIKES TO GET HIGH AND MAKE
HIS TRANSFORMERS LOOKCopy !req
91. LIKE THEY'RE HAVING SEX
TOGETHER.Copy !req
92. - I WOULD LIKE TO BE PRESIDENT
SOME DAY,Copy !req
93. SO, NO,
I HAVE NOT SMOKED MARIJUANA.Copy !req
94. I ATE A BROWNIE ONCE.Copy !req
95. AT A PARTY IN COLLEGE.Copy !req
96. IT WAS INTENSE.Copy !req
97. IT WAS KIND OF INDESCRIBABLE,
ACTUALLY.Copy !req
98. I FELT LIKE I WAS FLOATING.Copy !req
99. TURNS OUT THERE WASN'T ANY POT
IN THE BROWNIE.Copy !req
100. IT WAS JUST
AN INSANELY GOOD BROWNIE.Copy !req
101. YOU KNOW, IF WE CATCH HIM,
THEN WE AVOID A SCANDAL.Copy !req
102. 'CAUSE WE FLIP THE HEADLINE.Copy !req
103. AND IT'S NOT "COMMUNITY GARDEN
INFESTED WITH POT,"Copy !req
104. IT'S "BRAVE PUBLIC SERVANTSCopy !req
105. "RID NEIGHBORHOOD OF DRUGS,Copy !req
106. EARN PRAISE FROM MAYOR,
COMMA, EVERYONE."Copy !req
107. WE GOTTA CATCH THIS GUY.Copy !req
108. GET THE VAN,
MEET ME AT 7:00.Copy !req
109. IT'S STAKEOUT TIME.Copy !req
110. - APRIL.Copy !req
111. - YEAH?Copy !req
112. - GET MY LUNCH FOR ME,
PLEASE.Copy !req
113. - OKAY, LIKE ORDER YOU
SOMETHING?Copy !req
114. - NO, GET IT FROM THERE.Copy !req
115. - IS THIS SOME KIND
OF WEIRD POWER TRIP?Copy !req
116. - PLEASE.Copy !req
117. THANK YOU.
THAT'LL BE ALL.Copy !req
118. - YOU'RE WELCOME.Copy !req
119. - I HAVE STAKEOUT SUPPLIES.Copy !req
120. THIS IS STUFF
THAT WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA NEED.Copy !req
121. WE HAVE NOTEPADS,
PENCILS, AND PENCIL CASE.Copy !req
122. SHAKABLE WHIPPED CREAM.
CAMERAS.Copy !req
123. UM, GORP.Copy !req
124. UH, AND...Copy !req
125. CANDY NECKLACES.Copy !req
126. IT'S LIKE WE'RE REAL POLICE.Copy !req
127. AND I MADE US
A MIX CD.Copy !req
128. IT'S ALL FILLED WITH SONGS
ABOUT PEOPLE WATCHING PEOPLE.Copy !req
129. IT'S MOSTLY STING.Copy !req
130. AND LOOK, I PUT OUR FACES
ON THERE.Copy !req
131. - IT'S REALLY COOL.Copy !req
132. - ARE YOU GONNA WEAR
THAT SHIRT?Copy !req
133. - YEAH. YOU LIKE IT?Copy !req
134. - TOMMY HILFIGER?Copy !req
135. - NO, TOM HAVERFORD.Copy !req
136. I SPENT 120 BUCKS
TO GET IT MONOGRAMMED.Copy !req
137. - OKAY, HERE YOU GO.Copy !req
138. - EVERYONE THINKS
IT'S TOMMY HILFIGER.Copy !req
139. - WELL, HERE, YOU SHOULD BE
WEARING SOMETHING LIKE THIS.Copy !req
140. TAKE THIS.Copy !req
141. WEAR BLACK.
- DO I HAVE TO?Copy !req
142. - BLACK IS WHAT YOU WEAR
IN A STAKEOUT.Copy !req
143. OKAY, I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
HOW THIS WORKS.Copy !req
144. - JUST LET ME FOCUS UP
ON THIS.Copy !req
145. - PRETTY BUMMED
THIS FITS.Copy !req
146. - OKAY, NOW WE JUST NEED
TO TAKE A TEST SHOTCopy !req
147. AND SEE HOW THIS GOES.Copy !req
148. - YEAH, TAKE A TEST SHOT.
YOU READY?Copy !req
149. JUST FOCUS UP ON THE PIT.Copy !req
150. ALL RIGHT.
- STOP.Copy !req
151. - FOCUS UP RIGHT WHERE THE—
- STOP.Copy !req
152. - FOCUS UP RIGHT
WHERE THE WEED—Copy !req
153. - STOP.
STOP.Copy !req
154. - LESLIE SWEARS IT'S OKAY.Copy !req
155. SO I'M GOING OUT
WITH MARK.Copy !req
156. I GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE.Copy !req
157. WHEN ANDY AND I USED
TO GO TO THE MOVIES,Copy !req
158. HE WOULD ALWAYS TRY TO GUESS
THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE.Copy !req
159. AND HE WOULD ALWAYS GUESSCopy !req
160. THAT THE MAIN CHARACTER
HAD BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.Copy !req
161. EVEN WHEN WE SAW
RATATOUILLE.Copy !req
162. - OH, LOOK, IT'S MARK.Copy !req
163. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?Copy !req
164. - WHAT? I'M JUST CHECKING
TO MAKE SURE THIS LENS WORKS.Copy !req
165. GOOD. YEAH.Copy !req
166. - HEY. ANN.
- HEY.Copy !req
167. - SO ARE YOU READY TO GO?Copy !req
168. - OH, NO, I NEED ANOTHER HOUR
TO GET READY.Copy !req
169. - SERIOUSLY? 'CAUSE I THINK
THE MOVIE STARTS IN LIKE...Copy !req
170. OH, YOU'RE—YOU'RE JOKING AROUND
RIGHT NOW.Copy !req
171. - WOW, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.Copy !req
172. - YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
WITH A BODY LIKE THIS,Copy !req
173. YOU DON'T GET THE BRAINS TOO.Copy !req
174. - EW.
- THAT WAS SILLY.Copy !req
175. - WHOA, ARE THEY DATING NOW?Copy !req
176. BRENDANAWICZ IS THE MAN.Copy !req
177. HOT CHICK FROM THE NEWSPAPER,Copy !req
178. HOT CHICK FROM THE POST OFFICE,Copy !req
179. HOT CHICK FROM THE HOSPITAL.Copy !req
180. - HER NAME'S ANN.
YOU KNOW HER NAME.Copy !req
181. HER NAME'S ANN.Copy !req
182. - I'M JUST SAYING,
NOBODY TURNS HIM DOWN.Copy !req
183. - I DID.Copy !req
184. YEAH.Copy !req
185. - YEAH, I DID.Copy !req
186. - WE WERE DRUNK,
AND HE TRIED TO KISS ME,Copy !req
187. AND I SAID, "NUH-UH,
NO, SIR, MARK BRENDANAWICZ.Copy !req
188. I DON'T NEED
YOUR BUSINESS HERE."Copy !req
189. GET DOWN!Copy !req
190. - WORKING LATE?Copy !req
191. - YUP.Copy !req
192. - LESLIE'S BEEN PLAYING SHOVEL
GUITAR FOR ABOUT AN HOUR NOW.Copy !req
193. YOU'RE NOT FROM HERE, RIGHT?Copy !req
194. - NO, I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.Copy !req
195. - BUT YOU MOVED
TO SOUTH CAROLINA FROM WHERE?Copy !req
196. - MY MOTHER'S UTERUS.Copy !req
197. - BUT YOU WERE CONCEIVED
IN LIBYA, RIGHT?Copy !req
198. - WOW. NO.Copy !req
199. - I WAS CONCEIVED
IN AMERICA.Copy !req
200. MY PARENTS ARE INDIAN.Copy !req
201. - WHERE DID THE NAME HAVERFORD
COME FROM?Copy !req
202. - MY BIRTH NAME IS
DARWISH ZUBAIR ISMAIL GANI.Copy !req
203. THEN I CHANGED IT
TO TOM HAVERFORDCopy !req
204. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
BROWN GUYSCopy !req
205. WITH FUNNY-SOUNDING MUSLIM NAMESCopy !req
206. DON'T MAKE IT REALLY FAR
IN POLITICS.Copy !req
207. - WHAT ABOUT BARACK OBAMA?Copy !req
208. - OKAY, YEAH, FINE,
BARACK OBAMA.Copy !req
209. IF I KNEW A DUDE
NAMED BARACK OBAMACopy !req
210. WAS GONNA BE ELECTED PRESIDENT,Copy !req
211. YEAH, MAYBE
I WOULDN'T HAVE CHANGED IT.Copy !req
212. - DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE?Copy !req
213. OH, MY GOD, IT'S THE KINGPIN.Copy !req
214. WRITE THIS DOWN.Copy !req
215. OKAY, WHITE MALE,
LIGHT BROWN HAIR.Copy !req
216. - JUST TAKE PICTURES.Copy !req
217. - OH, MY GOD.
IT LOOKS LIKE ANDY.Copy !req
218. - THAT IS ANDY.Copy !req
219. - THAT IS ANDY.Copy !req
220. ANDY IS THE KINGPIN.Copy !req
221. - ANDY, COME HERE.
- OH, HEY, YOU GUYS.Copy !req
222. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?Copy !req
223. - SHH.
- IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.Copy !req
224. - QUIETLY.
- WHAT HAPPENED?Copy !req
225. - YOU'RE LIVING IN THE PIT NOW?Copy !req
226. - FOR NOW, YEAH.
IT'S AWESOME.Copy !req
227. SOMEBODY JUST PLANTED A GARDEN
DOWN THERECopy !req
228. WITH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, SO
I'M GETTING A LOT OF VITAMINS.Copy !req
229. - YEAH, THAT'S
OUR COMMUNITY GARDEN.Copy !req
230. - YEAH, AND SOMEONE PLANTED
A WHOLE MESS OF WEEDCopy !req
231. NEXT TO THE TOMATOES.Copy !req
232. - OH, DON'T LOOK AT ME.Copy !req
233. THERE'S WEED DOWN THERE?Copy !req
234. I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE TOPS
OF CARROTS.Copy !req
235. - RIGHT, I KNOW. LISTEN,
WE'RE ON A STAKEOUT, OKAY?Copy !req
236. SO WHY DON'T YOU COME TO THE VAN
AND HELP US?Copy !req
237. WE'RE TRYING TO CATCH THE GUY.Copy !req
238. MAYBE YOU CAN TELL US
WHAT YOU'VE SEEN.Copy !req
239. - I'M SUPPOSED
TO HAVE A ROCK FIGHTCopy !req
240. WITH THIS CRAZY GUY.Copy !req
241. HE'S LIKE 20 MINUTES LATE.
ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
242. LET'S DO IT.
- OKAY.Copy !req
243. - DO YOU LIVE HERE?Copy !req
244. - APRIL?Copy !req
245. - YEAH, DO YOU LIVE HERE?Copy !req
246. - NO.Copy !req
247. - CATCH.Copy !req
248. YEAH, I THOUGHT SO.Copy !req
249. I WENT HOME,
BUT I HAD THIS STRANGE FEELINGCopy !req
250. THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOU,Copy !req
251. SO I CAME BACK.Copy !req
252. - IT'S JUST
A MINOR MEDICAL ISSUE.Copy !req
253. - AIDS?Copy !req
254. - NO, I'M SAFE.Copy !req
255. - BLINDNESS?Copy !req
256. - NO.Copy !req
257. - IS IT LIKE A PARASITE
OR A VIRUS OR SOMETHINGCopy !req
258. YOU GET FROM A BEE?Copy !req
259. - I HAVE A HERNIA.Copy !req
260. - DO YOU HAVE SYPHILIS?Copy !req
261. - I SAID IT'S A HERNIA.Copy !req
262. - I KNOW. IT'S POSSIBLE
TO HAVE TWO THINGS.Copy !req
263. DO YOU NEED A RIDE
TO THE HOSPITAL?Copy !req
264. - YES, PLEASE.Copy !req
265. - OKAY,
BUT I RODE MY BIKE HERE,Copy !req
266. SO I HAVE TO GO HOME
AND GET MY DAD'S STATION WAGON.Copy !req
267. - THANK YOU.Copy !req
268. - BYE.Copy !req
269. - YOU STILL HERE?Copy !req
270. - YEAH. I JUST WANTED
TO SEE IF YOU COULD TELL.Copy !req
271. - ARE YOU STILL HERE?Copy !req
272. - IT IS REALLY GREAT
TO HAVE SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.Copy !req
273. MAN, OH, MAN.Copy !req
274. SO HOW'S ANN?
SHE'S DOING GOOD?Copy !req
275. OH, I MISS HER SO MUCH,
IT'S RIDICULOUS.Copy !req
276. HOW'S SHE DOING?Copy !req
277. - DOING GOOD TONIGHT.
SHE'S OUT ON A—Copy !req
278. - ANN IS GREAT.Copy !req
279. AND I BET
SHE REALLY MISSES YOU.Copy !req
280. OH, I'M GONNA NEED MORE OF THESE
IF I'M GONNA STAY UP TONIGHT.Copy !req
281. - IS THAT CANDY?Copy !req
282. - YEAH, IT'S A NECKLACE
MADE OUT OF CANDY.Copy !req
283. WANT ONE?
- OH, ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
284. GREAT. ALL I'VE HAD
IS FRUITS AND VEGETABLES...Copy !req
285. FOR WEEKS NOW.Copy !req
286. MM.Copy !req
287. OH, MY GOD.
OH.Copy !req
288. - YOU KNOW THERE'S A STRING
IN THERE.Copy !req
289. - NOT IN THIS ONE.Copy !req
290. INSTANT SUGAR HIGH.
SUGAR HIGH. SUGAR HIT HIGH.Copy !req
291. SUGAR HIGH. HIGH.Copy !req
292. OH, WOW. MM.
- ARE YOU OKAY?Copy !req
293. - WHOO-HOO-HOO.
SUGAR SLAM.Copy !req
294. - MAYBE WE SHOULD GET YOU
SOMETHINGCopy !req
295. MORE SUBSTANTIAL TO EAT.Copy !req
296. - MM-HMM.
I'M IN.Copy !req
297. - HEY, BRING ME BACK TWO
CHEESEBURGERS AND A GREEN TEA.Copy !req
298. OH, COME ON.
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.Copy !req
299. - SO THAT WAS FUN.Copy !req
300. - YEAH, IT REALLY WAS.Copy !req
301. - SURPRISINGLY FUN.Copy !req
302. - UH, YOU KNOW WHAT,Copy !req
303. I HAVE BEEN A PERFECT GENTLEMAN
THIS EVENING.Copy !req
304. IN FACT, WATCH THIS.Copy !req
305. I WOULD LIKE YOU TO NOW PLEASE
INVITE ME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.Copy !req
306. - NOT A CHANCE.Copy !req
307. - NO, NO, NO, NO.
JUST WATCH—Copy !req
308. WATCH WHAT I'M GONNA DO.Copy !req
309. - OH, OKAY.
- JUST ASK ME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.Copy !req
310. - WILL YOU COME IN
FOR A NIGHTCAP?Copy !req
311. - YES, I WILL.Copy !req
312. NO, NO, DAMN.Copy !req
313. DRATS, I WAS GONNA PLAN
TO NOT.Copy !req
314. - W-W-WAIT. LOOK.Copy !req
315. THAT GUY'S TRYING TO BREAK
INTO THAT VAN.Copy !req
316. - YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT DOES LOOKCopy !req
317. LIKE HE'S BREAKING
INTO THAT VAN.Copy !req
318. - WHOO!Copy !req
319. - 911.
- HI, THERE.Copy !req
320. - SO, ANDY, DO YOU, LIKE, SPY
ON ANNCopy !req
321. FROM THE PIT?Copy !req
322. - NO. NO.Copy !req
323. I JUST LIKE BEING NEARBY.Copy !req
324. THAT WAY IF SHE WANTS ME BACK,Copy !req
325. I COULD BE AT HER HOUSE, LIKE,
IN TWO SECONDSCopy !req
326. BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND.Copy !req
327. - I DON'T REALLY KNOW
HOW HEALTHY THAT IS.Copy !req
328. I MEAN, YOU GUYS
AREN'T EVEN DATING ANYMORE.Copy !req
329. SHE MIGHT BE DATING
SOMEBODY ELSE.Copy !req
330. - IS SHE?
- WHAT?Copy !req
331. - IS SHE DATING SOMEBODY ELSE?
- HUH? WHAT?Copy !req
332. - YOU JUST SAID ANN MIGHT BE
DATING SOMEBODY ELSE. IS SHE?Copy !req
333. - I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
- WHO IS SHE DATING?Copy !req
334. - NOBODY. MARK.Copy !req
335. - THAT'S COOL.Copy !req
336. OH, MY GOD!Copy !req
337. - 641 TO BASE.
I'M AT THE VEHICLE NOW.Copy !req
338. HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT,
SIR?Copy !req
339. - I'M ALL RIGHT, OFFICER.
HOW ARE YOU?Copy !req
340. - I'M RESPONDING TO A 911 CALLCopy !req
341. ABOUT A SUSPICIOUS PERSON
BREAKING INTO A VAN.Copy !req
342. I NEED YOU TO STEP OUT
AND SHOW ME SOME I.D.Copy !req
343. - NO, IT'S OKAY.
MY NAME'S TOM HAVERFORD.Copy !req
344. I WORK FOR THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.Copy !req
345. I JUST GOT LOCKED
OUT OF THE VAN.Copy !req
346. I HAD TO JIMMY MY WAY BACK IN.Copy !req
347. - WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JIMMY
YOUR WAY OUTCopy !req
348. AND SHOW ME SOME I.D.?Copy !req
349. - UM, WELL,
I JUST TOLD YOU MY I.D.,Copy !req
350. SO WHAT'S THE CRIME HERE?Copy !req
351. PARKING WHILE INDIAN?Copy !req
352. - NO, THERE'S NO STEREOTYPESCopy !req
353. ABOUT INDIANS
SITTING IN VEHICLES.Copy !req
354. - ALL RIGHT, FINE,
HERE'S MY I.D.Copy !req
355. NICE JOB, PAUL BLART.Copy !req
356. WHY DON'T YOU HEAD
BACK TO THE MALL,Copy !req
357. MAKE SURE NOBODY'S BREAKING
INTO LADY FOOT LOCKER?Copy !req
358. - HEY, I'M VERY CLOSE RIGHT NOW
TO PLACING YOU UNDER ARRESTCopy !req
359. FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT.Copy !req
360. STEP OUT OF THE VAN.Copy !req
361. - I'LL STEP OUT
OF YOUR MAMA'S VAN.Copy !req
362. - WHAT'S WRONG?
- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!Copy !req
363. I'M A CITY EMPLOYEE, MAN.
COME ON!Copy !req
364. - CALM DOWN.
- LESLIE!Copy !req
365. - MOTION SENSORS.Copy !req
366. - OH, MY GOD.Copy !req
367. EXCUSE ME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?Copy !req
368. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY
THAT WAS IN THAT VAN?Copy !req
369. - COPS TOOK HIM.Copy !req
370. - WHAT?Copy !req
371. OH, MY GOD.
- ANN AND MARK!Copy !req
372. - ANDY.Copy !req
373. - IT'S ANN AND MARK.Copy !req
374. - ANDY.
- LESLIE?Copy !req
375. - OH.
- LESLIE KNOPE.Copy !req
376. - HEY.
- HEY.Copy !req
377. - WOW.
- WE CAUGHT A CRIMINAL.Copy !req
378. DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THIS?Copy !req
379. - YEAH, HE WAS BREAKING
INTO THIS VAN,Copy !req
380. AND THEY DRAGGED HIM AWAY.Copy !req
381. IT WAS CRAZY.
- RIGHT HERE.Copy !req
382. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?Copy !req
383. - IF YOU COULD JUST STOP WRITING
FOR A SECONDCopy !req
384. AND JUST FOCUS HERE,
'CAUSE—Copy !req
385. - MA'AM, MA'AM,Copy !req
386. AS I'VE TOLD YOU
SEVERAL TIMES ALREADY,Copy !req
387. THIS IS A POLICE MATTER.Copy !req
388. - WELL, IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO MATTER TO THE POLICE.Copy !req
389. - OKAY, NICE JOB
WITH THAT, BUT LISTEN—Copy !req
390. - LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.Copy !req
391. IS IT THE POLICY
OF THE PAWNEE POLICE DEPARTMENTCopy !req
392. TO ARREST PEOPLE WHEN THEY TRY
TO GET INTO THEIR OWN VAN?Copy !req
393. - NO.Copy !req
394. AND, THANKFULLY,
THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.Copy !req
395. SO NOW COULD YOU PLEASE
GO HOMECopy !req
396. AND GET SOME SLEEP
AND LET THIS MATTER BE RESOLVED?Copy !req
397. - THANK YOU, OFFICER.
LET'S JUST GO HOME, LESLIE.Copy !req
398. - YEAH, LET'S GO HOME.
- LET'S JUST GO HOME.Copy !req
399. - NO!
- LET'S JUST GO HOME.Copy !req
400. - NO!Copy !req
401. - EASY.Copy !req
402. - NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
- LESLIE.Copy !req
403. - OKAY, COME WITH ME, PLEASE.Copy !req
404. - FINE, I'D LIKE
TO COME WITH YOU.Copy !req
405. - YOUR FRIEND, HE ACTED
LIKE AN ASS,Copy !req
406. AND YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME,
HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHOICE.Copy !req
407. - YOUR NAME'S DAVE, RIGHT?Copy !req
408. CAN I CALL YOU DAVE?Copy !req
409. - MY MOTHER LIKES DAVID,Copy !req
410. BUT I'M PRETTY SPLIT ON—Copy !req
411. - I HATE TO BREAK IT
TO YOU, DAVE.Copy !req
412. YOU REALLY STEPPED IN IT.Copy !req
413. - WHAT?Copy !req
414. - I'M A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE,
DAVID.Copy !req
415. AND SO IS YOUR PRISONER.Copy !req
416. IF I WANTED TO,
I COULD GET ON THE HORN,Copy !req
417. AND I COULD HAVE RON SWANSON
DOWN HERE,Copy !req
418. KICKING DOWN YOUR DOORS.Copy !req
419. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU HEARD ME.Copy !req
420. RON SWANSON.Copy !req
421. - WHAT BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT
ARE YOU IN?Copy !req
422. - PARKS AND RECREATION.Copy !req
423. - PARKS AND RECREATION?
- YES.Copy !req
424. DO I STUTTER?Copy !req
425. - LOOK, MISS KNOPE,Copy !req
426. IT WASN'T JUST HIS BEHAVIOR,
OKAY?Copy !req
427. I THINK YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE
SOME KIND OF A PERVERT.Copy !req
428. - NO, LOOK, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE
THINK WHEN THEY FIRST MEET HIMCopy !req
429. BUT HE'S ALL TALK.Copy !req
430. - NO, NO, NO,
I'M BEING SERIOUS.Copy !req
431. WE SEARCHED THE VAN,Copy !req
432. AND WE FOUND A LOT
OF DISTURBING THINGS.Copy !req
433. SOME PROFESSIONAL
PHOTOGRAPHY EQUIPMENTCopy !req
434. AND THESE PICTURES
OF SOME PEOPLE ON A DATE.Copy !req
435. WE ALSO FOUND AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT
OF MANURECopy !req
436. AND A VERY INAPPROPRIATE AMOUNT
OF CANDY.Copy !req
437. - OKAY, LOOK, TOM AND I WERE
IN THAT VAN TOGETHER.Copy !req
438. WE WERE STAKING OUT
THE COMMUNITY GARDENCopy !req
439. BECAUSE SOMEBODY
PLANTED MARIJUANA IN IT.Copy !req
440. I BROUGHT THE CANDY,
AND I BROUGHT A LOT OF ITCopy !req
441. BECAUSE I LOVE CANDY.Copy !req
442. I TOOK THE PICTURES.Copy !req
443. MY BEST FRIEND WAS GOING
ON A DATE WITH MY EX-LOVER.Copy !req
444. IT'S BEEN A VERY LONG NIGHT.Copy !req
445. BUT TOM IS NOT A PERVERT,Copy !req
446. AND HE SHOULDN'T BE IN JAIL.Copy !req
447. WELL,
THEY'RE GONNA RELEASE HIM.Copy !req
448. IN A LITTLE WHILE.Copy !req
449. - OH, THANK GOD.Copy !req
450. - SHOULD I GET YOU GUYS HOME
RIGHT NOW?Copy !req
451. - YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU TWO GO AHEAD.Copy !req
452. I'M GONNA STAY HERE
AND WAIT FOR TOM.Copy !req
453. - ARE YOU SURE?Copy !req
454. - YEAH.Copy !req
455. PRISON CHANGES A MAN.Copy !req
456. I THINK HE'LL PROBABLY WANT
TO SEE A FAMILIAR FACECopy !req
457. WHEN HE GETS BACK
ON THE OUTSIDE.Copy !req
458. - WELL, OKAY, THEN.Copy !req
459. SEE YOU, LESLIE.Copy !req
460. - YO. I HAD TO WAIT
TILL MY DAD FELL ASLEEPCopy !req
461. SO I COULD STEAL HIS KEYS.Copy !req
462. YOU READY?Copy !req
463. - I WAS BORN READY.Copy !req
464. I'M RON SWANSON.Copy !req
465. EASY. CARE—Copy !req
466. CAREFUL.Copy !req
467. - ANN, I REALLY DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD INVITE ME IN.Copy !req
468. TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED
LAST TIME.Copy !req
469. - SO I GUESS I'LL JUST...Copy !req
470. SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- OKAY.Copy !req
471. - OKAY.Copy !req
472. - BYE.Copy !req
473. - HEY, YOU KIND OF KISSED ME.Copy !req
474. - YES, I DID,
AND NOW WE BOTH HAVE HERPES.Copy !req
475. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.Copy !req
476. - LESLIE.
THANKS FOR WAITING.Copy !req
477. APPRECIATE IT.
- MOTHER TERESA.Copy !req
478. IT'S NOT YOUR CHOCOLATE.
DON'T—GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT.Copy !req
479. - WAKE UP.
- WHAT?Copy !req
480. IS THIS YOUR HOUSE?
WHERE ARE WE?Copy !req
481. - HEY, YOU'RE AWAKE.Copy !req
482. - OH, YEAH.Copy !req
483. THANKS FOR THE COAT.Copy !req
484. - IT'S NO PROBLEM.
YOU CAN KEEP IT.Copy !req
485. - REALLY?Copy !req
486. - ACTUALLY, NO.Copy !req
487. I-I NEED THAT
FOR MY UNIFORM.Copy !req
488. BUT I CAN GIVE YOU A RIDE
BACK TO YOUR CAR.Copy !req
489. - OKAY.Copy !req
490. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE COAT.Copy !req
491. - I CAN'T GIVE IT TO YOU.Copy !req
492. YOU UNDERSTAND?
- OKAY.Copy !req
493. - SO WHERE'S THAT MARIJUANA AT?Copy !req
494. - UM, IT'S DOWN
IN THE GARDEN.Copy !req
495. - GOOD MEETING YOU, MAN.Copy !req
496. SHOULD GRAB A DRINK OR SOMETHING
SOME TIME.Copy !req
497. - I JUST HOPE THAT ANN AND MARK
GOT HOME OKAY.Copy !req
498. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS,
YOU KNOW.Copy !req
499. THAT ANN IS HOME,
AND SHE'S OKAY.Copy !req
500. AND THAT MARK IS ALSO OKAY,
AND HE IS IN HIS HOME.Copy !req
501. JUST IMPORTANT THAT
THEY'RE BOTHCopy !req
502. IN THEIR HOMES.
- LESLIE!Copy !req
503. MARK'S AN IDIOT.Copy !req
504. YOU COULD DO A LOT BETTER
THAN HIM.Copy !req
505. FORGET ABOUT HIM.Copy !req
506. THANKS, TOM.Copy !req
507. - I DIDN'T MEAN ME.Copy !req
508. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS,
KNOPE.Copy !req
509. I SWEAR TO GOD,
IT ACTUALLY—IT WAS THERE.Copy !req
510. - THESE ARE CARROTS.
- DUH.Copy !req
511. YOU DON'T THINK
I KNOW THE DIFFERENCECopy !req
512. BETWEEN CARROTS AND MARIJUANA?Copy !req
513. - IS THAT THE HOUSE THERE
WHERE YOUR BEST FRIEND LIVES?Copy !req
514. WHERE SHE SAW THE VAN FROM?
- YEAH.Copy !req
515. - OKAY, I GET IT.Copy !req
516. - WHAT?Copy !req
517. - WELL, YOU WANTED TO CHECK UP
ON YOUR FRIENDCopy !req
518. AND THAT GUY,
YOUR EX,Copy !req
519. SO YOU MADE UP A STORY
ABOUT WEEDCopy !req
520. SO YOU COULD STAKE OUT
THEIR DATE.Copy !req
521. - NO, I DID NOT.Copy !req
522. THERE ACTUALLY WAS WEED HERE.
- IT'S OKAY.Copy !req
523. I THINK
IT'S KIND OF CUTE.Copy !req
524. I LIKE MISS KNOPE.
I LIKED HER.Copy !req
525. I GOTTA SAY,
WHEN I FIRST MET HER,Copy !req
526. I DIDN'T CARE MUCH
FOR HER,Copy !req
527. BECAUSE, LIKE 99% OF THE PEOPLE
IN ANY GIVEN DAYCopy !req
528. OF MY LIFE,
SHE WAS VERY BELLIGERENTCopy !req
529. AND DISAGREEABLE.Copy !req
530. MISS KNOPE WAS ATTRACTIVE
TO ME AS A MAN.Copy !req
531. I WAS ATTRACTED TO HER
IN HER DEMEANOR.Copy !req
532. I WAS ATTRACTED TO HER
IN A SEXUAL MANNERCopy !req
533. THAT WAS APPROPRIATE.Copy !req
534. CAN WE—I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.Copy !req
535. WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT.Copy !req
536. HUH, PARTNER?Copy !req
537. WANT TO GO GET
SOME BREAKFAST?Copy !req
538. - WHAT? NO.
TAKE ME HOME.Copy !req
539. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?Copy !req
540. - OH, MY GOD.Copy !req
541. OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS ON!Copy !req
542. - I WONDER IF MINI GOLF IS OPEN.Copy !req
543. - HOME!Copy !req
544. - ANN-DANAWICZ,Copy !req
545. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?Copy !req
546. EATING? LOVE IT.Copy !req
547. OH, HEY, JUST WANTED
TO THANK YOUCopy !req
548. FOR HAVING ME ARRESTED
AS A PERVERT THE OTHER NIGHT.Copy !req
549. THAT WAS COOL.Copy !req
550. PEACE.Copy !req
551. - UH, WE DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE A PERVERT.Copy !req
552. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
A CRIMINAL.Copy !req
553. - FOR THE RECORD,
I STILL ACTUALLY KIND OF THINKCopy !req
554. HE'S A PERVERT.Copy !req