Parks and Recreation 6x5

1. Hey, I've gained a lot of ground in the polls. That's good news.

2. Yeah. I have you down only four points.

3. But they're running a ton of new negative ads.

4. Maybe you should fight back.

5. Ben, your heart's in the right place. Your heart and your butt.

6. I will not go negative.

7. Crap on a turd!

8. Care for a "Recall Knope" gift bag?

9. The Committee to Recall Leslie Knope is relentless.

10. Look what they're handing out at elementary schools.

11. I'm Leslie Knope. Tell your parents to recall me.

12. We all know that I cannot spend as much money on ads as my opponent.

13. But I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers.

14. And 10,000 question mark stickers.

15. That way, if you see a sign that says

16. "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add

17. the question mark and the "Don't,"

18. and suddenly, it reads "Recall Knope? Don't!"

19. Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope"?

20. Yep. That's a much better idea.

21. Can I have these question mark stickers?

22. Why? I want to put them on stop signs.

23. April, no!

24. Hi. Um, I need to talk to

25. somebody about reserving a park.

26. Oh, we have a new policy.

27. Parks can only be reserved for witch covens

28. or Slip 'N Slide competitions. Which one are you?

29. Uh, Slip 'N Slide competition.

30. Seriously?

31. No. How would you even compete in something like that?

32. Doesn't matter.

33. Um, I called earlier about the free vaccinations thing?

34. We're hoping to set up

35. a mobile hospital in one of your parks.

36. Sorry, is there something wrong with him?

37. Tom. This witch wants to reserve a park

38. for her satanic ritual. Can you help her?

39. Right. Smashing. Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford.

40. I sort of run the whole department.

41. Um, what was the name, then?

42. Uh, Nadia Statsky. I'm from Doctors Without Borders.

43. Brilliant. The old D's without B's.

44. Uh, we can definitely help.

45. Yeah, Tom's your guy. He actually used to run the Parks Department

46. in his home country of Russia.

47. This one is mental. She's joking, obviously. How could I be from Russia?

48. Not with this spot-on British accent.

49. We can definitely get you sorted.

50. Right this way. Okay.

51. Whoa! I am pretty sure

52. you shouldn't have a weapon at work.

53. Literally everything is a weapon, son.

54. That folder, in my hands,

55. is far deadlier than this bow in yours.

56. Oh, that's probably true.

57. So, Leslie and I just finished putting together our will,

58. and she wants you to be the witness.

59. You mind signing it?

60. That's your will? You need that many pages

61. to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?

62. It's a complicated legal document.

63. Doesn't have to be.

64. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.

65. "Upon my death, all of my belongings

66. "shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me."

67. What are these weird symbols?

68. The man who kills me will know.

69. Okay. You should really have a will

70. that's more than one sentence long.

71. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.

72. The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order,

73. lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.

74. Ron, that document is nothing. It's not even notarized.

75. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will,

76. most of what you own will go to the government.

77. Where is this lawyer you speak of?

78. I am pleased to formally submit Bill 68-J,

79. which funds a new bike path in Ramsett Park.

80. Motion to table this bill. Second.

81. I also submit Bill 68-R.

82. Motion to table. Second.

83. You guys want to delay all my bills?

84. Fine. I'm just going to keep my head down

85. and continue to get work done.

86. Oh, well, motion to end the session early so nothing can get done.

87. Second. Ah, you guys are the worst.

88. Sorry, Knope. We're just looking

89. for any possible way to get you recalled

90. because we don't like you. It's nothing personal.

91. It absolutely is personal.

92. That is the definition of "personal."

93. The definition of "personal."

94. Ooh!

95. Excuse me. We have an issue.

96. A tweet has been tweeted from the Parks and Rec Twitter,

97. and I'm afraid it is quite sexually graphic.

98. It's probably just some bored teenager who hacked the account.

99. Whoever it is, it is quite serious. Take a look at this.

100. I don't want you to get recalled, Knope, but damn,

101. these people know how to pick a neck massager.

102. And before you get on my case about the stickers, I already did them.

103. Donna, there is trouble a-brewing.

104. We think that you may have accidentally

105. tweeted from the Parks and Rec account

106. rather than your own personal account.

107. Oh-oh. What did it say?

108. "See you tonight. Hope you like

109. "tongue baths, you big, nasty fireman."

110. Then, there's a picture of a pair of lips,

111. and then a picture of an eggplant.

112. I am both confused and, if we're being

113. totally honest, a little aroused. Ew!

114. Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life,

115. but this could have been way worse.

116. What's important is we deleted the tweet,

117. and nobody is going to know it's you.

118. But Donna, you know, be more careful in the future.

119. This could have really blown up in my face.

120. I'm here live at a press conference,

121. where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss

122. a government scandal we are calling

123. "Twitter Watergate" until we can find

124. a snappier name for it.

125. Tongue baths? Eggplants? Firemen?

126. Those men are heroes who deserve respect. 9/11.

127. This is how Leslie Knope runs her Parks Department?

128. We are going to hold hearing after hearing until we are satisfied.

129. This will be blown way out of proportion. You have my word on it.

130. Ooh. This is bad. I'm going to get fired.

131. No one is getting fired. Okay?

132. Jamm is trying to use this to hurt me in the recall.

133. He's trying to take me down, and he's willing

134. to attack my friends in the process?

135. No. No way. Not on my watch. Not on her watch.

136. He is not going to sully your name.

137. No sullying allowed.

138. Don't worry about it, Donna. We're going to nip this in the bud.

139. Guard your buds. Because they're about to get nipped.

140. Okay. Okay.

141. So, why does Doctors Without Borders want to come to Pawnee?

142. Pawnee is like a petri dish of weird diseases.

143. Did you know you have a higher rate of the

144. West Nile virus than the actual Western Nile?

145. Sorry, West Nile. Looks like Pawnee wins again.

146. What else have you beaten the Western Nile in?

147. Cricket.

148. Ah. Just fill out these forms

149. and we will be all set like two biscuits inside a tin.

150. So, you've gone insane. That's fun.

151. I just panicked. She's so out of my league,

152. my brain just made me talk that way

153. so I'd seem cooler. What should I do?

154. Nothing. This is amazing. April!

155. Fine. If you want to have a chance

156. with her, obviously, you have to stop.

157. It's either that or you talk like that for the rest of your life.

158. You think she'd marry me?

159. All right, just let me do the talking here.

160. Okay? I mean, he's a lawyer,

161. I'm an accountant. We speak the same language.

162. I mean, obviously, accountants are a little more bad boy.

163. But there's a respect there.

164. When will this be over?

165. Hey, Trevor. I've been talking to Ron about estate planning,

166. and he is here to do some good will hunting.

167. Because he has to draw up a new will, so...

168. Yes, I understand, Mr. Wyatt. Thank you.

169. As I've said before, I just don't like puns.

170. Oh. Well, my accountant friends seem to enjoy them.

171. Mr. Swanson, let's begin by filling out

172. this form listing your assets and liabilities.

173. Nice try.

174. I'm not telling you how much

175. money I have, where it's hidden,

176. or which precious metals and/or gemstones

177. it may or may not take the form of.

178. If you don't give me the information I need, there's nothing I can do.

179. Come on, Trevor. Where there's a will, there's a way.

180. I'm going to say this one last time, Wyatt.

181. Check the accountant crap at the door.

182. Yes, sir, I will. Unintentional.

183. All right, let's begin. These hearings have two goals.

184. One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent.

185. And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus.

186. Ms. Knope, do you have a statement?

187. Well, it's actually quite simple.

188. A Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out

189. of the Parks and Rec Twitter account,

190. and they posted a personal, private message by accident.

191. And that person is very sorry and it won't happen again.

192. Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here.

193. I just told you what happened. It was an unfortunate mistake.

194. All right. Sadly, due to your intracksidence...

195. Not a word. We may never find out what happened.

196. When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said,

197. "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager."

198. Now, you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake.

199. Why do you keep flip-flopping?

200. Well, because I learned new information.

201. When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows.

202. And then, I "flip-flopped" when I found out that there

203. was something called chocolate syrup.

204. I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes

205. Benghazi look like Whitewater.

206. That's utterly meaningless.

207. I think we need to hear from the unnamed employee behind the tweet.

208. Perhaps he or she...

209. Or them. Could be a bunch of hot ladies.

210. Yes. Perhaps "them" can finally give us the answers we need.

211. What, what, what? There she is.

212. Nadia, I didn't know what you wanted,

213. so I got you a cappuccino, a latte,

214. four bags of coffee beans and a mini espresso machine.

215. What happened to your accent?

216. Oh, yeah, it's gone.

217. Huh. You know, I had a cold recently.

218. And I think that may have affected my voice,

219. like, in certain British ways.

220. Well, that's all there is to that story.

221. So, no need for any more questions.

222. You have a cold? Can I feel your glands?

223. Sure.

224. Wow. You are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat.

225. Best way to prevent crow's neck.

226. Is this glitter?

227. So, those are the forms. You filled them out.

228. Great. April's going to file these.

229. Hey. When is the thing you're doing in the park?

230. I'd love to come by.

231. Maybe help administer vaccines?

232. Oh. Are you a doctor somehow?

233. No.

234. No follow-up to that? Okay, great.

235. Well, I'm not actually going to be attending the event.

236. So, if you could just give me the permit

237. so that I can go home to Indianapolis and never come back here.

238. I am in love with Nadia whatever-her-last-name-is.

239. And I'm going to keep her here using the most powerful weapon I have.

240. Bureaucratic incompetence.

241. Oh, no.

242. You filled out form 3208.

243. You were supposed to fill out form 3248.

244. Oh, God. This is to lease a hangar at the airport.

245. I know. It's so crazy, it almost sounds made up.

246. Bureaucracy, right? What are you going to do?

247. Huh? Weird. Someone left out a blender, fresh fruits and rum?

248. I guess we've got to, like, make daiquiris now.

249. I like to listen to music while I work, you know?

250. You feel that song?

251. What is this place?

252. Ms. Meagle, let me first say that

253. I am a big fan of your writing.

254. Thank you.

255. It's good stuff. Really good stuff.

256. Okay. Does anyone else here see a double standard?

257. Councilman Dexhart is currently

258. being sued by two different women

259. for sexual harassment.

260. One of whom was the judge in the first woman's trial.

261. She was talking dirty to me.

262. She was reading the e-mails that you sent to the first woman.

263. Look, I obviously never meant to embarrass the Parks Department.

264. My personal account is set to private.

265. Yeah. I don't even know what she writes on there.

266. Well, you may not know what she's writing, but we do.

267. In a shocking twist to an already juicy story, we have obtained access

268. to Ms. Meagle's account via a third party.

269. Same hairdresser.

270. Damn it, Typhoon. Why did you do this?

271. Maybe if you had bothered to come to

272. my Great Gatsby brunch, you'd know.

273. I don't even need an exact number. Just ballpark it.

274. That's all I need to get started.

275. Or I'm sure the state government would love

276. to use your money to hire more bureaucrats.

277. Maybe build a library. Fine!

278. A ballpark figure.

279. Thank you. God.

280. Holy. Is this a joke?

281. Another word for jokes is "lies."

282. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.

283. Mr. Swanson, an estate of this size

284. means that your children would never

285. have to work a day in their lives.

286. This is going to take some time.

287. Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.. . That's enough.

288. I don't need some drawn-out legal expedition

289. to tell me what I knew when I was eight.

290. Here is my original will.

291. Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to, to make it official

292. and I will sign it. Good day.

293. Wait. What are all these symbols?

294. I was right not to be threatened by you.

295. Okay. I would like to enter into the record

296. a selection of Ms. Meagle's tweets.

297. Uh-oh. Can I request a brief recess?

298. It's okay, Donna. I'm not going to let them fire you.

299. Yeah, it's not me I'm worried about.

300. Ms. Beavers, if you please.

301. Yesterday, 9:02 a.m.

302. "Annoying-ass Leslie has given me another annoying-ass task.

303. "Number sign stickers, number sign BitchBoss."

304. "September 25th. Twitter poll.

305. "On a scale of 98 to 100, how annoying is Leslie Knope?

306. "Because you know it ain't less than 98.

307. "All my number sign True Blood fans know what's up."

308. Page after page of personal attacks on Leslie Knope.

309. Not only do you have no control over your department,

310. you don't even have the respect of your employees.

311. That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying?

312. Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying.

313. I mean, I thought that was your thing.

314. My thing? My thing is not being annoying.

315. My things are making friendship bracelets

316. and dancing like nobody's watching.

317. Thinking up really cool nicknames for my friends.

318. You, of all people, should know that, El Diablo.

319. Look. The only reason I'm even on Twitter

320. is to blow off steam about work

321. and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.

322. You really think I hate you,

323. after all we've been through the last 10 years?

324. I honestly don't know anymore.

325. Okay, I think we've done a lot of good here today.

326. Leslie, I'm sorry, but I could not

327. postpone these pointless hearings

328. that Jamm is having. He is just determined.

329. Well, thank you for trying. I have a question for you.

330. Do you think I'm annoying? No.

331. Are you lying? No.

332. Are you trying to protect my feelings? No.

333. Do you think I'm being annoying right now? Yes.

334. So, you do think I'm annoying.

335. I think that you ask a lot of the people that you work with.

336. And I think the people do what you ask because they love you.

337. But I also think that driving people as hard

338. as you do can ruffle some feathers.

339. I think a lot of things. I like thinking. And racquetball.

340. Now who's annoying?

341. I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets.

342. And turns out there are some more things that she's said about you.

343. "Message to the recall haters. You can't keep Leslie Knope down.

344. "She's too real for this ish. Hashtag BossBitch."

345. "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these

346. "hearings and taking a bullet for me.

347. "Hashtag Sister From Another Mister, hashtag BossBitch."

348. It appears, whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly

349. an indication of her frustration,

350. "BossBitch" is a term of endearment. Isn't language fun?

351. It's like racquetball for your mouth.

352. Did you change your outfit?

353. I've changed five times, and she hasn't noticed yet.

354. I can only stall for so long. What should I do?

355. Um, I just finished filling this one out. I didn't know what to put for

356. "Name of Commercial Airline" because

357. I do not operate a commercial airline.

358. So, I just made one up.

359. What did you name your imaginary airline?

360. "Jet Blue Ivy." I figure Jay-Z and Beyoncé's

361. kid will own her own airline eventually.

362. She's the one.

363. So, can I have my permit now? Finally?

364. Uh...

365. No. There was a mistake, and we gave the park to someone else.

366. What? Maybe I can drive you around

367. and we'll pick another one?

368. Maybe I'll bring a picnic lunch. Do you like tamales?

369. You said that that park was ours.

370. You said it a long time ago in a British accent.

371. I probably shouldn't say this as a doctor. It's probably not cool.

372. But I really hope you all get West Nile virus.

373. Nice meeting you, April. Kind of. You're weird, too.

374. Thank you.

375. We need to talk.

376. That has never been true.

377. I think I know what's happening.

378. Thinking about how to divide up

379. your possessions for when you die...

380. It's tough confronting your own mortality.

381. And I think it's got you spinning a little bit.

382. Am I right?

383. Wow. I had not considered that.

384. Yes, I think that maybe you are onto something.

385. Yeah. Just know that it's perfectly healthy to be thinking about...

386. Oh, you're joking.

387. Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it.

388. Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is spoiling my children.

389. I don't want them to be the kind of people who never work,

390. live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture.

391. I will leave my children $50 a piece

392. for the cab home from my funeral

393. and a steak dinner. End of discussion.

394. Okay. I mean, look. It doesn't matter

395. how much money you leave your kids.

396. What matters is that you teach them the right values.

397. But if something horrible happens and

398. you want your kids to be left alone with

399. no safety net just so they can learn some

400. kind of weird lesson, then by all means,

401. leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.

402. I'd never lose to a boar.

403. I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times.

404. But one person's "annoying"

405. is another person's "inspiring and heroic."

406. So, you know, who are we to judge?

407. And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things.

408. I can't promise that I won't be inspiring and heroic in the future.

409. And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.

410. Deal. I got you an apology present.

411. Oh. It is all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes.

412. And I got the same ones, too.

413. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same time.

414. Now, I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me

415. how you feel about them individually.

416. Let me take a picture.

417. Are you tweeting this?

418. Mmm-hmm.

419. What's the hashtag going to be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss"?

420. Yeah, it's "PsychoBoss."

421. Mmm. I don't hate that.

422. Benjamin. After thinking about what you said,

423. I've decided to leave each of my children 5% of my fortune.

424. Wow, five whole percent.

425. So, I guess you are going to teach them a lesson. Oh, my God.

426. That's 5%? That is a lot of money. Wait, is this a joke?

427. It is not a joke. Not that an accountant would know the difference.

428. Also, if something should happen to Diane and me,

429. we decided that the kids should go to

430. the most important people in our lives.

431. Ron, I'm incredibly flattered.

432. Ralph Piatkowski and his wife, Helen.

433. He's the maître d' at Mulligan's Steakhouse,

434. and he knows me better than anyone.

435. However, if they are not able to do it,

436. which seems likely, as they're in their 90s,

437. you and Leslie are choice number two.

438. I'm honored.

439. Everyone, take your seats, so this witch hunt may proceed as scheduled.

440. Speaking of, where are the witches?

441. They're right here.

442. Well, we're not witches. That's sexist

443. and offensive. But we're right here.

444. And we are not going to sit in this room and let you drag our names

445. through the mud just to score some cheap political points.

446. How dare you demean the value of the political points I'm scoring?

447. We have had enough. I'm going back to

448. work so I can do some good for this town.

449. And my friend, Donna, is coming with me.

450. Hmm. I prefer El Diablo.

451. Uh, this is not over, Ms. Knope.

452. Donna, quit punishing me. I miss you.

453. Uh-huh. Bridge burned, Typhoon. Or should I say "Norman"?

454. Uh-huh.

455. Okay. I'm just going to man up and tell her how I feel

456. and hope she feels the same way about me.

457. And that's that. If she doesn't, no big deal.

458. It's done. I'm an adult. Let's do it.

459. Great.

460. Nope. I can't do it. New plan. Tell her all the screw-ups were your fault.

461. I'll tell her I had to cover for you because you are so dumb.

462. Nadia! Good to see you!

463. We're very sorry for everything you went through today.

464. I have reserved the park for your event.

465. Now, April has something she'd like to admit.

466. Tom wants me to tell you that all the screw-ups were my fault.

467. But really, he kept messing up so that you

468. would stay in Pawnee as long as possible

469. because he is super into you.

470. Oh. Okay.

471. Several questions. Is any part of him British?

472. No. So, that was just weird,

473. panicky, dude behavior? Yeah.

474. Okay. I'm just trying to figure out if acting

475. that insane is, like, romantic or totally scary.

476. I'll go with romantic.

477. He is kind of cute.

478. What's his deal?

479. He's sweet. He's cool. And you're, like, way out of his league,

480. so there's literally no risk for you at all here.

481. Okay. Well, I'm going to Rwanda in, like,

482. two weeks for my job, so what the hell.

483. Cool. So, you want to go out with me?

484. Yes, please.

485. Okay. Bye.

486. Okay. You owe me, like 1,000 favors. See you.