Parks and Recreation 6x18

1. God!

2. Sorry. Sorry.

3. What's happening? I can't hear, and I'm dying!

4. Baby, relax. I just wanted to surprise you.

5. Open the bottom drawer and read the cake.

6. Well, this just keeps getting weirder.

7. Because of the merger, schools have had to make some cuts.

8. And the first thing to go was the senior prom.

9. So, as a last-minute Hail Mary,

10. the Parks Department is throwing prom for them.

11. They also wanted to cut AP Latin.

12. So I volunteered to teach Latin.

13. Which reminds me, I need to learn Latin.

14. I can't stop thinking about that job in Chicago,

15. and I think this prom will be a good distraction.

16. In my senior year, when I couldn't decide between Indiana and Amherst,

17. I focused all my energy on planning my prom.

18. And it was the best prom ever.

19. Plus, I made out with Harvey from the AV club.

20. Hmm. I think I'm jealous of Harvey.

21. You shouldn't be. A few weeks later, he almost died.

22. From a VCR electrocution.

23. Legend has it that he can still

24. turn on a microwave just by blinking at it.

25. The point is, will you go to the prom with me?

26. Well, I thought you'd never ask.

27. Because we are nearing 40.

28. Of course I will.

29. Yay! Prom!

30. Okay, we are making progress, Prom Committee.

31. Now, our budget is basically zero,

32. so we're going to need to cover all the jobs

33. that we would normally hire people for.

34. Tom, you're in charge of music.

35. Oh, man. Well, all right.

36. Aw, did you want to DJ, little puppy? I don't know.

37. I didn't know that little puppies could operate an iPod

38. with their little puppy paws.

39. Eww and boo.

40. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you two.

41. Y'all are on official warning.

42. I did DJ a little back in the day.

43. I had a show called Zoot Suit Wyatt

44. on Carlton College Radio.

45. Tuesdays, 3:00 to 5:00 a.m. ,

46. I was the King of Swing.

47. I thought we as a culture agreed to forget

48. the year that everyone was into swing.

49. Okay, Ben, you can co-DJ with Tom.

50. What? No!

51. If you eclipse my flavor in any way,

52. we'll have a problem.

53. All right, Allison, you are in charge

54. of choosing the prom theme,

55. and now, it has to be perfect and magical.

56. And look like a million bucks but cost zero bucks.

57. So, what do you got?

58. I was thinking the theme could be Fairy Tale.

59. The theater department did Into the Woods last year,

60. and we still have the scenery.

61. I laid out some preliminary plans

62. in this binder.

63. Wow.

64. Are those Jense-Trodder color tabs?

65. I thought those were discontinued. They were.

66. I had to order them through some Mexican backchannels.

67. Juan Julio Oficina Supplies?

68. I thought they went out of business.

69. They did, but they opened up a new one in Oaxaca.

70. What is happening right now?

71. Okay. Everybody, get back to work.

72. And Allison, come by my office later,

73. so we can keep crushing it.

74. All right, let's go over our set list.

75. Set list? No need.

76. So, what, you're just gonna put your iPod on shuffle?

77. No. But I could. You want to know why?

78. Because every single song you own is a banger?

79. Every song I download has to pass

80. a series of rigorous tests

81. to answer one simple question.

82. Is it a banger?

83. How many beats per minute? How many drops?

84. How dope are the drops?

85. Were any acoustic instruments used?

86. If so, it is not a banger.

87. I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song.

88. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

89. I feel like, to me, set list flow is very important.

90. I mean, we're basically vibe curators.

91. Ugh! Oh, no.

92. God, I hope that high school auditorium is big enough

93. 'cause I'm bringing 10,000 Maniacs.

94. Sometimes, it's really hard to be friends with you.

95. Thank God we don't have to be seen together.

96. Yes, we do. We're co-DJs.

97. Not anymore.

98. You're working with

99. DJ RoboDrop.

100. Oh, I hope that this prom is exactly like my senior prom.

101. Theme? My Heart Will Go On.

102. Photo booth with a Monica Lewinsky lookalike.

103. After-party, Megan Rickerson's house.

104. Her parents used to let us drink as much as we wanted.

105. That's where we should have this after-party.

106. Or, no, we can't. Because they moved, to prison.

107. Prom is nothing but a huge party

108. full of smiling, dancing people enjoying themselves.

109. It's literally my worst nightmare.

110. And I hate punch.

111. April Ludgate.

112. I'm going to sing to you a song

113. that I first wrote 15 years ago

114. for my prom date, Sarah Weiss.

115. You're as hot as the sun But you're as cold as ice

116. Let me take you to paradise

117. I'm going to roll the dice It will be twice as nice

118. Sarah... April Ludgate

119. Will you go to prom with me?

120. Will you?

121. Fine, I'll go with you.

122. Because Leslie's making us, and we live together,

123. and we only have one car right now

124. because you laked mine.

125. What does "laked" mean? I tried to jump it over a lake!

126. Why don't you stay out of our conversations, Larry?

127. Will do.

128. So, I'm going to show you some very cool

129. before and after pictures of Cherryhurst Park,

130. one of our greatest accomplishments.

131. Why are you showing me all this?

132. Because I think you have a real knack for public service.

133. We here at the Parks Department have something called

134. The April Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival

135. and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest.

136. I don't know why I let her name it.

137. Basically, it's a summer internship program.

138. I think you'd be great. Do you want to work here?

139. Definitely. I am totally interested.

140. Great.

141. Allison Gliffert?

142. Hi, Mr. Swanson.

143. You two know each other?

144. Is there some secret society for the greatest humans on earth?

145. Do you meet Tom Hanks and Elena Kagan

146. in the Statue of Liberty's crown?

147. God, this fake club I'm inventing is amazing.

148. Allison's father owns the hardware store I've been going to

149. since before Allison was even born.

150. What brings you to the festering putrid stink-hole

151. on the armpit of freedom?

152. That's what he calls City Hall.

153. Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship,

154. and I was thinking about taking it.

155. No, no, no. No.

156. I respect your father too much

157. to let his daughter work for free

158. for the government.

159. Why don't you get a paying job for the summer?

160. Why don't you shut your mustache?

161. Sorry. You know what?

162. Tim Lautner, who owns the sawmill out on Lowell Drive,

163. is a personal friend.

164. He's always looking for bright young employees

165. to give money to, in exchange for honest work.

166. That would be awesome.

167. I definitely need money for school.

168. Oh, really?

169. Is it worth a few bucks to get a million splinters in your fingers,

170. and then cut off your fingers accidentally?

171. 'Cause that will happen.

172. I have tolerated Leslie's pro-government ways

173. because her annoying kindness and generosity

174. sneakily made me like her as a person.

175. But I draw the line

176. at corrupting America's youth.

177. I'm sure I can get Allison a job at Tim Lautner's sawmill.

178. I once did him a favor.

179. I built his sawmill.

180. I may be leaving this office soon.

181. I need to plant seeds for the next generation.

182. Interns become full-time staff, become department directors.

183. Circle of life. The seasons turn.

184. It's really quite beautiful.

185. And if Ron tries to stop me, he can eat a big old bowl of butts.

186. Yeah!

187. Pawnee Class of '99!

188. Ah-huh!

189. Oh!

190. Girl, you look creepy.

191. Would you like a drink? All this stuff is free.

192. No, it's not.

193. Why did you pay for a limo?

194. Because it's prom.

195. If you don't show up in a limo,

196. legally, they can't let you in.

197. Does your mom want to take pictures?

198. Yeah, she does.

199. Hey! Orin.

200. Who's Orin? I'm April's mom.

201. You two look adorable.

202. Ugh! Just take the picture, already, Mom.

203. My baby is all grown up. Have her home by 11:00.

204. Mom, stop embarrassing me.

205. Say goodbye to your father.

206. Bye, Dad. Goodnight, sir.

207. This is all the stuff we have to work with?

208. Where's everything I requested?

209. Where's my smoke machine?

210. Where's my girls dressed in teddy bear costumes?

211. Where's my Yeezus mountain? Yeah, tell me about it.

212. I specifically requested elliptical cartridges for the turntables.

213. How am I supposed to keep my Husker Du albums

214. in near-mint condish?

215. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you throw them in the garbage?

216. My prom was right after I got impeached,

217. so I couldn't leave the house without being egged.

218. But my parents threw me a prom in our living room.

219. I think I'm still messed up from it.

220. I was actually only at my prom for 15 minutes.

221. By the time I got my Armani suit pressed

222. and got the little dimple on my tie just right,

223. it was 11:45 p.m.

224. My date was pretty pissed, but I looked fly as hell.

225. Leslie, thanks again.

226. We just wouldn't have had a prom without you.

227. This is A-plus work.

228. A-plus? Thank you, Principal Russell. Can I get that in writing?

229. Oh, Leslie, you haven't changed since high school.

230. I can't believe he gave you an A-plus.

231. Oh, did he? I didn't even notice. No bigs.

232. Listen, Allison, I have a question for you

233. that's very important and very serious.

234. Listen to me closely.

235. Will you help me orchestrate the balloon drop?

236. Ms. Knope, it'd be my honor.

237. Oh! Hurray!

238. Allison.

239. I was subcontracted by the government to construct a lighting rig.

240. Would you like to help me screw some angle irons

241. onto some two-by-fours?

242. I'll give you $40.

243. Yeah. Sure.

244. I'll just be over here having fun.

245. See you soon!

246. I know what you're doing, Ron.

247. And I will defeat you. Mark my words.

248. Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships.

249. I attended prom with Susan Hofler.

250. Picked her up in my truck,

251. we slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song,

252. and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry.

253. I was 12 years old.

254. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

255. Well, we did it. We went to prom.

256. Yay! Let's go now.

257. No. What, are you kidding? This is awesome. Look around.

258. The bloom of youth,

259. like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

260. Andy, I hate teenagers.

261. If you give this a chance, you're going to love it. I promise.

262. It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it.

263. Second time, hated it.

264. Third time, it was okay.

265. But then, the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it,

266. I realized something.

267. It's not good. It's not a good movie.

268. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance?

269. I'm going to go to the girls' bathroom

270. to check the trash cans for babies,

271. but you can dance if you want.

272. Really? I love you. Thank you. Yeah!

273. Look out!

274. Hey, no one's really feeling this.

275. All right. Not a 2 Chainz crowd.

276. I'll throw on some Yeezy in a second.

277. Jeezy? Weezy?

278. Oh, you want some of that classic stuff.

279. How about I break you off some of that Ja Rule?

280. Who's Ja Rule?

281. What? How do you.. . What? Who's, what?

282. The stuff you're playing is so old,

283. it's probably trinking on GrizzleDump.

284. Hey, what's GrizzleDump? And why is trinking on it bad?

285. Oh, my God.

286. I don't know what's cool anymore!

287. What's GrizzleDump, Ben? What's GrizzleDump?

288. So, have you ever pulled a ceremonial cord before?

289. There's a little trick to it.

290. You want to hold it, not too tight,

291. sort of like a firm handshake.

292. And then, move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion.

293. So, just pull the rope? That's right.

294. Thanks, Leslie. For this,

295. and for making prom happen in the first place.

296. Oh, you don't have to thank me.

297. Working for the government is its own reward.

298. Run, Allison, run.

299. You're wasting your time, Leslie.

300. Allison and I already had a good talk

301. about the power of the hard-earned dollar.

302. Don't listen to him.

303. Now, when you pull the rope,

304. don't look at the balloons.

305. Look at the faces of the people as the balloons drop.

306. That's what government is about. Look at the faces.

307. No, look at that cage that is holding all of those balloons.

308. I assembled that cage and was paid for my labor,

309. and I will use the money to buy shelter, fuel, and medicine.

310. Watch the cage.

311. Pull the rope. Watch the faces.

312. Watch the cage.

313. Watch the faces.

314. Uh...

315. Congratulations, Ron. You've ruined prom.

316. Everybody's having a terrible time.

317. I didn't go to my prom. I was dating an older fellow back then.

318. Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids

319. while he's coaching Duke to the Final Four.

320. I just want to go home,

321. but I feel bad because Andy's having such a good time.

322. How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?

323. That's not true.

324. He loves a lot of dumb stuff, but he loves you the most.

325. If something's bothering you, just tell him.

326. It's always better to be direct.

327. Hey, girl. Are you ready to go?

328. I feel like I told you to wait in the car.

329. Yeah.

330. See? Be direct.

331. Yeah! You're finished, Knope.

332. I just spoke with Tim Lautner from the sawmill

333. on my mobile telephone,

334. and he's offering Allison a paying job.

335. She'll be assistant to the head mulcher. Beat that.

336. First of all, your telephone is ridiculous.

337. And second of all, I already beat it.

338. She's going to take that internship.

339. She pulled the rope. There's no turning back.

340. Leslie. Mr. Swanson. May I see both of you in my office?

341. Now.

342. It has come to my attention that both of you have been harassing Allison

343. about her summer employment decisions.

344. I wouldn't say harassing

345. so much as persistently tormenting.

346. I am disappointed in you, Leslie.

347. No! Don't be disappointed in me.

348. I've never had a principal or a teacher

349. be disappointed in me.

350. I'm not sure that I'm equipped to handle it.

351. Whatever is going on between you two and Allison

352. ends right now.

353. This is supposed to be a fun event for the kids.

354. You're absolutely right, and I will bow out immediately.

355. Thank you.

356. I think the only thing that matters is

357. whatever A-pluses may or may not have been handed out,

358. you know, are still in effect, in perpetuity.

359. I have your word then. This ends now?

360. Absolutely.

361. Attention, everyone.

362. Now it is time for the most magical moment of any high school prom.

363. The announcement of the winner of

364. the Parks and Recreation's coveted summer internship.

365. Without further ado, help me congratulate Allison Gliffert.

366. Okay, a little music here, maybe?

367. It would probably just ruin the moment with something lame.

368. Leslie, I-I told you. I don't know what I'm doing this summer.

369. That's okay. I know what you're doing.

370. You're gonna take this internship,

371. you're gonna fall in love with public service,

372. you're gonna rise through the ranks,

373. you'll take over Ron's job as Parks Director,

374. you'll win a seat in Congress,

375. and then you and I will run against each other as President.

376. But right before we find out who won,

377. I'm going to pat you on the back and say, "It's your turn, kid."

378. Sorry, children. Forget this happened.

379. Continue with your awkward, close-quarters gyrating.

380. And if this evening you decide to have sex, use protection, please!

381. Dude, if you're not going to play anything, I'm stepping in.

382. Go ahead. Play whatever you want. Can't be any worse than this.

383. Hey, I love this song!

384. You actually like this?

385. Yeah, dude! It's classic rock!

386. Well, there's more where that came from, snoopies.

387. Sorry. Tried to use slang. That just came out.

388. I only listen to CDs.

389. It's the way music like this was meant to be heard.

390. But it's not even Auto-Tuned.

391. Where did you get that dress?

392. I was buried in it.

393. Babe, huge news.

394. I just got us invited to Damian Keating's barn party.

395. He's captain of the soccer team.

396. And he has a fake ID, so I think he can get us all free beer.

397. What's wrong?

398. There's cupcakes and music. Why aren't you having fun?

399. Because this prom reminds me

400. that you had, like, a million friends in high school

401. and everyone thought you were awesome,

402. and I spent four years making fun of everyone

403. and hiding mops so the janitor would think he was going insane.

404. If we went to high school together,

405. we would've never started dating,

406. which means that we would've never gotten married.

407. And I don't like thinking about that.

408. Hey, maybe we wouldn't have gotten together if we were in high school.

409. But that's because kids in high school are idiots.

410. The only thing that matters is that we found each other right now.

411. And it's the best.

412. You know what? Let's bail.

413. We've got that limo for three more hours.

414. I think the extra length can help us get over that lake.

415. No. Let's stay. I'll have fun. I promise.

416. I have never told you this,

417. but I actually have a 10-point scale

418. for how insane you are being.

419. I observe your behavior, and if it's a five or below, I say nothing.

420. Smart. Saves a lot of time.

421. If it reaches a six,

422. like, for example, the incident

423. with the girls' soccer uniforms back in '05...

424. They wrote all of the team names in pink.

425. Nobody told them to do that.

426. I try to steer you back to safety.

427. A seven is when I lock you in your office until you cool down.

428. This Allison Gliffert thing may have hit an eight.

429. I have the police on stand-by.

430. It's your move.

431. I'm thinking of leaving Pawnee.

432. Moving to Chicago.

433. I just need to make sure

434. that the future is secure around here when I leave.

435. You know?

436. Allison would become April, and then April would become me.

437. I mean, let's face it, Ron.

438. I love you, but you're hopeless without me.

439. Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand.

440. They're like blueprints for a house.

441. Nice to have,

442. but any foreman with half a brain

443. doesn't need to look at them.

444. One day, this year or maybe the next,

445. you're going to be somewhere else.

446. So enjoy yourself now.

447. Damn it.

448. I just wish once

449. you would say something stupid so I could ignore it.

450. Attention, please. Well, the votes are in.

451. And your Pawnee High Prom King and Queen are

452. Lucy Taylor and Andy Dwyer!

453. What? I broke the box

454. and I threw away all the votes and I voted for you 1,000 times.

455. Why don't you get on up there, King Dwyer?

456. Not without my queen.

457. Hi, Pawnee High! As your Prom King, I am your ruler.

458. Silence!

459. My first decree of power is to declare

460. that the Prom Queen shall be my wife, April Ludgate,

461. who is the best thing that's ever happened to me,

462. who came to prom even though she hates it.

463. Give me this. You... Always next year.

464. No, there isn't. I'm a senior.

465. This is your wife? How old are you?

466. He's 33 and I'm 47/immortal.

467. Get out. High school forever!

468. Hey, you're having fun now.

469. I rigged an election and got kicked out of prom.

470. I can get on board with that.

471. My life is over. I'm officially old and uncool.

472. I might as well start wearing a plaid shirt and a tie and khakis

473. and whatever shoes you're wearing.

474. Look, the fact that you don't know what high schoolers are into

475. doesn't make you uncool.

476. It makes you a normal human adult.

477. You haven't had time to keep up

478. 'cause the last few years, you started two different businesses.

479. I guess that's true.

480. Richard Branson and Mark Cuban are too busy making deals

481. to keep up with what the kids are into.

482. How else you explain their terrible haircuts?

483. And, hey, you may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.

484. Yeah. You're old as.

485. Thanks, Ben.

486. Glad I could help.

487. Allison, we wanted to apologize for acting so bananas.

488. You just have so much promise, we got excited.

489. You're a good kid.

490. And whatever you choose, you'll be great at it.

491. I have to say, I admire you both.

492. You were right, Leslie.

493. Watching all those happy faces, it felt amazing.

494. But it was really nice to build something and get paid for it.

495. Ron, she is so thoughtful and grounded.

496. Get her away from me

497. or I'm going to kidnap her and try to mentor her to death.

498. Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend.

499. Greg Pikitis?

500. What up, Knope?

501. Hello, Gregory.

502. You guys know each other?

503. You might say that.

504. Come on, baby.

505. Let's get out of here.

506. That's that horrible kid who used to prank us

507. all the time, right?

508. Offer is off the table.

509. She is a terrible person with terrible judgment.

510. Pikitis!