1. Babe, you've gone crazy.
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2. The only thing
I'm crazy about
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3. is a magnificent,
pregnant manta ray named Ann Perkins.
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4. I am ranking topics of
conversation for our next phone call.
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5. The worst part about your best
friend living in another stupid state
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6. is the topics
really pile up.
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7. What do you think
should be higher priority,
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8. infinity scarves,
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9. or whether or not it's worth
it for me to get Showtime?
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10. Is this really
necessary?
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11. When she moved, we promised
each other that we would talk every day.
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12. And we've
really fallen behind.
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13. I know your female friends
are very important to you,
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14. but I'm always
a good sounding board.
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15. I mean,
I can talk about Sandra Bullock's skirt length.
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16. No, no, babe,
you can't. You would just embarrass yourself.
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17. Plus, every time I
start talking to you,
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18. five seconds later,
I want to jump your bones.
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19. Ooh, let's do
that instead.
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20. See? That's what
I'm talking about.
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21. Yeah, okay. Let's do this. Okay. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
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22. On to the Unity Concert.
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23. Ben is meeting with the tent
people to finalize those deals.
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24. April and Donna
will be helping me
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25. with the vendor
location charts,
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26. and I will be meeting with the
surveyors about the concert grounds.
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27. I would like to volunteer to
do the park survey myself.
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28. Wow, Ron,
I always knew there would be
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29. a day when I would
get through to you
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30. and you would
love government work.
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31. Today is that historic day.
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32. Yes, that is what
has happened.
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33. Spending the day outside,
alone, sounds like a dream.
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34. I love being a father,
but there are a few things I miss.
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35. Silence,
the absence of noise,
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36. one single
moment undisturbed
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37. by the sounds of
a children's TV program
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38. called "Doc McStuffins."
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39. There is no quiet anymore.
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40. There is only
Doc McStuffins.
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41. Sorry, I'm late.
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42. Andy,
why don't you go with Ron and help him?
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43. I really don't need...
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44. Shotgun. I called shotgun.
Where are we going?
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45. Doesn't matter. Shotgun.
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46. Shotgun on all rides
for the rest of the day.
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47. For the rest of my life,
in any car.
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48. I just faced you suckers.
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49. So, I'll see you in the
parking lot, Ron. Later!
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50. Is the tent guy left-handed
or right-handed?
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51. I just need to
know which way to
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52. part my hair to get
us a better price.
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53. It's a business
theory I'm working on.
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54. I really don't think it matters.
Pretty straight-forward deal.
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55. A straight-forward deal?
Why didn't you tell me?
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56. I don't have my "straight-forward
deal" fedora on me.
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57. We've got to stop by my
storage unit on the way up.
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58. Hey, Larry. Hey,
you want to come with us to Tent World?
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59. Little road trip?
Tent World?
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60. Yeah. Let me grab my lunch.
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61. No. Why did
you invite Larry?
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62. He's been doing all the
paperwork for this deal.
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63. He deserves to come.
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64. Remember you said that
when Larry's farting up the car.
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65. Larry isn't
that bad. He's nice.
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66. And frankly,
I don't care who knows that I said that,
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67. as long as
no one knows that I said that.
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68. Okay, ladies,
I will be in my office
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69. for one to seven hours
for my weekly chat with Ann.
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70. I brought some fresh snacks.
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71. And I made a backup plan for the
vendor chart in case yours isn't good.
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72. Actually,
Ann called while you were in the bathroom.
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73. She said something came up.
She'd call you later.
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74. I don't know. I told her
to leave you a voicemail.
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75. God, why did you
let me say all that?
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76. I'm coming, Ann's voicemail!
I'm coming!
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77. Listen to
me very carefully. I have not been taken.
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78. I know that's always your
first fear when I'm not available,
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79. but this is not a Liam Neeson
Taken scenario.
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80. That's exactly what
they'd make you say.
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81. Also, no one's
making me say this.
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82. I am a free woman, un-taken,
simply going about my business.
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83. I just had to run.
Something came up.
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84. I love you,
and I'll call you later.
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85. Donna. What's good, baby?
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86. What's going
down in Donna-town?
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87. What's the haps
in Meagle-wood?
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88. I'm listening to
Jaleel or No Deal.
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89. It's a podcast
where the kid who played
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90. Urkel reviews old
Deal or No Deal episodes.
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91. It's pointless and I love it.
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92. Okay. Don't
let me interrupt.
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93. April, what's the 4-1 -1,
Little Mama?
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94. What's the hot goss? Who
you crushing on these days?
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95. My husband,
weirdo. Can I get back to work now? Thanks. Bye.
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96. Work? You can
work whenever. Except for now.
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97. Because now is lady time.
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98. You sound like
a tampon commercial.
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99. I'm setting up an
impromptu Galentine's Day.
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100. Really?
Yeah.
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101. Wait, I thought you weren't going
to do Galentine's Day this year
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102. because that she-beast moved
away. I believe her name was Satan?
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103. Her name is Ann and she is gone,
and I have accepted it,
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104. and we are going to have Galentine's Day. Ladies,
up front.
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105. I need an Ann
who lives in Pawnee.
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106. And there is no one obvious candidate,
so, I will test them out
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107. on the ultimate battlefield of female friendship,
Galentine's Day brunch.
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108. It will be a women's-only
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109. marathon bonding session
with tons of whipped cream.
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110. Side note,
do not Google that phrase.
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111. Hey, Ron, can I ask you
kind of an important question?
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112. You know, like,
when you go to the ATM and you get money,
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113. is there an actual
guy standing behind
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114. the wall who slides
dollar bills in there?
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115. No.
Yeah. It's robots.
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116. Actually, you know what?
I do have a serious question.
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117. In the movie Predator,
can you rub any kind of mud on yourself
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118. to prevent
Predator from seeing you
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119. with his thermal
heat signature sight?
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120. Or is it more...
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121. That
sucks. Are you hurt?
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122. No, all good. All good.
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123. Oops.
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124. Except for my mouth.
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125. Oh, whoa!
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126. Five-second rule.
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127. No. Ah!
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128. Come on. We better
get you to a dentist.
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129. Oh, my God,
Larry. Your tuna fish sandwich stunk up my suit.
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130. Gayle made it for me.
Irrelevant. You know what?
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131. Stay out here and
double-check these deal memos.
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132. If you get through them,
triple-check them. Just don't come inside.
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133. Sounds good. I will finish my
sandwich and enjoy the view.
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134. Hey, Harvey.
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135. Ben Wyatt. We spoke
on the phone? Yeah.
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136. Yeah, we sure did. Okay.
Who's this little genie right here?
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137. Tom Haverford.
Pawnee Business Liaison.
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138. Okay. I've got your
contracts for you right here.
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139. Wow. It's a lot thicker than the original,
one-page version.
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140. I take tents pretty seriously,
Ben. I'm a tent guy.
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141. I've got over 1,300 tents
in this warehouse alone.
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142. Nine hundred of those
are over 2,000 square feet,
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143. 80 of them are striped,
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144. and exactly four of them were
once rented by Ms. Rene Russo.
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145. Whoa! Yeah. No doy. I
think I know what I'm doing.
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146. So, I added a few
syllables and what not.
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147. Clauses, et cetera.
Addendums, what have you.
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148. Why don't you go ahead
and sign that for me?
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149. Yeah, I think we're going
to need to take a look at this.
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150. So,
I guess this is not a straight-forward deal.
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151. Shauna,
I'm so glad you could make it. You're so tan.
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152. Thanks. I just got back
from a solo trip to Rome.
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153. I was going to go
with my boyfriend,
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154. but he couldn't come because
he decided to stay with his wife.
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155. I love Rome.
It's such a great place.
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156. Rome's played out. Have
y'all been to Kuala Lumpur?
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157. When did you go to Asia?
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158. I go all the time.
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159. Where do you think I got that crystal
Buddha head above my Jacuzzi?
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160. You have a Jacuzzi?
Good to know.
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161. Prospects for new
Pawnee Best Friend.
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162. Donna Meagle. Confident,
worldly, we go way back.
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163. April Ludgate. Vivid imagination,
young, and vibrant.
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164. Shauna Malwae- Tweep. Pretty,
fragile, makes terrible life decisions.
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165. A real fixer-upper,
but look,
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166. it's not like Ann was doing
so hot when I met her.
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167. Ethel Beavers. A bit of a dark horse. Crotchety,
but probably wise.
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168. And then, we've got
Evelyn, aka "Fake Ann."
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169. I don't know her last name. Honestly,
we just needed bodies.
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170. Thank you, everyone,
for getting together on such short notice.
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171. And Happy Galentine's Day.
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172. Now, this is not
technically the right date,
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173. but anytime a group of
women get together for brunch,
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174. we embody
the spirit of the holiday.
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175. Today, we will celebrate friendship,
spend a few hours together,
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176. and answer a couple of
questions I've compiled.
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177. Just for fun.
Nothing serious.
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178. But please answer them
with complete honesty
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179. 'cause I'll be able to
tell if you're lying.
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180. To girlfriends!
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181. Okay. It's time for a little
Galentine's Day Q and A.
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182. Donna, you pick first.
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183. "What is your
favorite TV show?"
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184. Well, for live-tweeting,
it's Scandal.
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185. For binge-watching,
it's Scandal.
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186. But for fashion,
it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.
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187. Hmm. April?
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188. I love watching Russian
traffic accidents on YouTube,
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189. while I play children's
music at the wrong RPM.
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190. I like beauty pageants.
Everyone is so happy and perfect.
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191. I like Diagnosis
Murder and skin flicks.
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192. Can anybody top me off?
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193. The correct answer for favorite
TV show is Friday Night Lights.
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194. The correct answer?
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195. Next question.
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196. Okay, this contract
is insane.
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197. It costs extra to have
people inside the tents?
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198. And what's a flap tax?
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199. Well, you need flaps, bro. A tent
without flaps is basically a parachute.
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200. An unfolding charge?
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201. A noise-damage waiver?
How can noise damage tents?
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202. Keep your voice down, please.
There are tents here.
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203. Now, look,
you can argue with me all you want.
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204. But for every line item that
you two idiots disagree with,
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205. there's gonna be
a $50 discussion surcharge.
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206. What are we up to, doll?
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207. Four hundred dollars.
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208. A discussion surcharge?
That's nuts.
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209. Four hundred
and fifty dollars.
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210. That's it. Deal's off. We'll
take our business elsewhere.
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211. Suit yourself, gentlemen.
Sorry we couldn't make a deal.
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212. Wait,
wait. Let me try one more thing.
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213. What's the price now?
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214. Eighty dollars more. I
liked it better the other way.
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215. It does have
an effect, though.
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216. The receptionist said she'll fit
you in as soon as there's an opening.
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217. If you're all right,
I'm going to head back to the park.
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218. Yeah, but real quick,
real quick.
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219. Do you know what my
social security number is?
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220. Or if I'm
allergic to anything?
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221. I don't like corn.
Should I put that down?
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222. Or will that be confusing
because I do like candy corn?
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223. Ron. What a mess.
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224. Here, let me help you.
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225. All I wanted was two hours where
I got to forget that I was a parent.
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226. Ron, look. I found
all three differences.
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227. Those are two completely
different pictures.
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228. "Ladies' Choice."
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229. Wildcard option. Okay.
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230. Anybody reveal anything
about their life. Anything at all.
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231. I've gotten two annulments.
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232. One for pleasure,
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233. and one to cap off a long-con I
was running against Keith Sweat.
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234. Ethel, have you.. .
Okay, Ethel's asleep.
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235. Shauna?
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236. I'm writing
a memoir based on my blog.
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237. It's called,
"Tweeping up Appearances."
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238. And it's about my journey to find
happiness by smiling through the pain.
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239. Okay, I can work with that.
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240. Knope, what you got
going on in that notebook?
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241. Just jotting down memories
in my trusty old journal.
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242. "Friendship Rankings."
What's that?
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243. It's not what
it sounds like.
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244. It's simply a way for me to figure
out which one of you is the best.
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245. That's messed up. Yeah,
that is really lame and I'm leaving.
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246. You're better
than that, Knope.
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247. Donna, why are you angry?
You are in first place.
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248. Bye, everyone.
This was a really...
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249. Brunch.
Leave the bag.
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250. If you do
this again next year,
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251. don't call me.
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252. Well, by default, it's Shauna.
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253. That's how you want to find your new best friend,
right? By default?
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254. My pores are clogged up from
being in that dusty warehouse.
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255. I'm going to check if this gas
station has some Bioré strips.
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256. Thanks, Larry.
That's nice of you.
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257. Gayle always has me
do the windshield.
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258. She likes to stand
behind me and watch.
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259. According to her,
it's the best view.
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260. How is Gayle?
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261. Wonderful.
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262. And the girls?
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263. They're good.
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264. Why do you want to know?
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265. I'm genuinely interested?
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266. I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to
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267. people from the office
asking me things.
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268. It's kind of scary.
In a good way, though.
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269. Man, did I miss
a Larry fart?
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270. No. We were just...
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271. Yeah, Tom.
I really ripped one.
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272. Didn't I, Ben?
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273. Yeah. Yeah. It was loud.
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274. It smells like a hippopotamus
took a dump on a skunk.
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275. It's in your best interest.
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276. Well, the numbers don't lie.
I'm a Goof us, not a Gallant.
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277. We've been here forever.
Can we go?
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278. Don't you want to
get your tooth fixed?
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279. I don't know. I think my
tooth looks fine just like this.
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280. Well, my grandmother
was missing that tooth,
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281. and she was the most
beautiful woman on her oil rig.
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282. You are an adult.
I'm not your dad.
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283. If you want to go,
we can go.
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284. Thanks, Ron. I just want you to know,
even though you're not my dad,
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285. you're like
an old brother to me.
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286. Like a cool uncle,
but old like a grandpa.
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287. But cool like a son.
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288. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
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289. No problem.
That will be $8, please.
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290. What,
you're charging us for coffee?
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291. What kind of a
business would.. . Uh-oh.
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292. Hello, gentlemen.
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293. You've got to be kidding me.
You own this place, too?
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294. That's right, dickweed.
You want to talk deal?
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295. Because my prices have gone up
ever so slightly since I saw you last.
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296. No, we're not giving in
to your crazy demands.
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297. There are plenty of other tent
rental places within driving distance.
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298. Yeah. I'm calling Tent Emporium.
Right now.
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299. Tent Emporium. How can I help you,
buttface?
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300. What?
Come on.
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301. Yes. I own every tent
store in Southern Indiana.
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302. Tent Town, Rent Ten Tents,
The Tent Offensive,
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303. and Ace Tentura:
Tent Detective.
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304. I also own
a Chick-fil-A franchise.
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305. That's not doing so
hot right now. Whatever.
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306. Let's get out of here.
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307. You've reached The Tentagon.
How can I help you, buttface?
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308. Okay, here's an idea.
Why don't we find something...
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309. Anything, no matter how small,
that we have in common?
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310. For example,
I'm an only child. Me, too.
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311. Although,
when I was in college,
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312. I found out that my
dad had a second family.
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313. Well, we were the second
family, technically.
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314. Okay. Well,
we both went to college.
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315. There's that.
Yeah.
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316. Oh, my God! Ann had her baby! Wow,
this has been fun.
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317. The bill is already paid.
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318. May I gently
suggest that you check out
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319. Chris Traeger's wonderful therapist,
Dr. Richard Nygard?
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320. Although there is a tiny part
of me that always thought
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321. it was just Chris
talking into a mirror.
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322. Anyway, maybe you
should look him up.
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323. I don't know.
I read a book once that said
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324. a woman should never
make the first move.
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325. That doesn't apply to
therapy. Okay. Good luck.
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326. Oliver Perkins-Traeger,
meet your Aunt Leslie.
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327. Hey! Oh, he's so beautiful.
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328. And you're so beautiful. I mean,
you're always beautiful.
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329. But right now, you are the most beautiful,
glowing sun goddess ever.
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330. Why didn't you tell
me you were in labor?
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331. Well, because I knew you'd
drop everything and rush here.
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332. And contractions can
sometimes go for days. Thank you.
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333. So, I didn't want you to
be stuck waiting around.
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334. Well,
I'm glad I'm here now. Where's Chris?
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335. He was such a good coach
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336. that the nurses asked him to help
out with a delivery down the hall.
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337. Ow!
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338. Ow!
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339. Ow!
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340. Andrew, you need to
get your tooth fixed.
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341. No way. I'm not
going back there.
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342. I already won all
the magazine mazes.
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343. Don't worry,
it's going to be fine.
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344. Ow!
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345. If you don't take care of the problem now,
it's only going to get worse.
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346. Come on. I'll drive you back.
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347. Fine. Let me just wolf down
this peanut brittle real quick.
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348. Why would you do that?
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349. Right. Because calories.
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350. We're dead.
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351. The only tent store this guy
doesn't own is 300 miles away.
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352. Hang on, here's
a place that might work.
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353. It's called "Sweaty
Roger's Pants Tent."
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354. No, you can't
rent tents there.
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355. Hey, guys.
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356. Look, I was double-checking all
the paperwork that Tom gave me
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357. in that super fun
parking lot,
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358. and there was something about
Harvey's corporate structure
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359. that just seemed fishy.
Copy !req
360. So I dug around,
and it turns out
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361. he has got a lot
of code violations.
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362. Whoa!
Hmm-mmm.
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363. Larry, this is
great stuff.
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364. I never thought
I would say it,
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365. but I'm a genius for making you
stay outside and do a menial task.
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366. Couldn't agree more.
You did it, Tom.
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367. I don't want to drive back.
I miss you so much.
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368. No one even comes
close to you as a friend.
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369. I even tried to rank the women at work,
but that was a total bust.
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370. You ranked them?
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371. I thought maybe I could use
Galentine's Day as an opportunity...
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372. Leslie, Galentine's Day?
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373. What do you
want me to do, Ann?
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374. I need to find
a replacement.
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375. And don't worry,
it didn't work.
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376. Nobody can match
your ethnic hybrid energy.
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377. Everybody brings their own
unique strengths to the table.
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378. Some that even
I don't have.
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379. You shut your mouth.
You have all the strengths.
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380. Look, you love harder than
anyone I know. It's tough to match.
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381. And I know Donna and
April don't show it,
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382. but they would do
anything for you.
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383. And it's not like you and
I always see eye to eye.
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384. I mean,
Friday Night Lights?
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385. I am more of a Riggins girl,
and you lean Saracen.
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386. Yeah, because
Riggins is a criminal.
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387. He took the fall
for his brother.
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388. Okay, he didn't watch
out for his brother.
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389. I'm not having this
conversation with you again.
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390. That family is garbage.
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391. The point is,
we didn't always like the same stuff
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392. when we first
became friends.
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393. Just don't force it.
Give it some time.
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394. I know. You're right,
Ann. Thank you.
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395. It's just,
I'm missing you and there's
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396. so much stuff I want
to talk to you about.
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397. Well, you're here now.
So, let's talk.
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398. I think Oliver has
more pressing business.
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399. Okay, but we
should talk soon.
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400. Because I almost bought
a toe ring the other day.
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401. What? Ann,
you're somebody's mother. I know.
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402. Okay. I'm going to
give you two some time.
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403. I'll call you
from the car.
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404. I'll be out here
if you need me.
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405. Thanks for
doing this, Ron.
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406. When it's all said and done,
there were a few mazes I'd cheated on.
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407. Also, the inside of my
mouth is black and hot.
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408. So, do I strip down to my underwear,
or all the way naked?
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409. Hello,
Diane. I am coming home soon to relieve you.
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410. Give you a little break.
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411. It's no trouble at all. I'm a
parent. I'm always on duty.
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412. What flavor ice cream would
you and the children like?
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413. I'm getting some for a
30-year-old who works for me,
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414. so, I can bring
some home for you, too.
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415. Hello, Harvey.
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416. We found a glaring number of
code violations you've committed.
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417. I could see to it
that you never rent
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418. another tent in this
region again.
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419. Gentlemen, I've won two online
satellite Jamaican poker tournaments.
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420. I can tell that
you're bluffing.
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421. Your Pawnee business
license has lapsed,
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422. which negates most of the
deals you've made this year.
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423. I'm guessing you're
pretty bad at poker.
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424. I am. And I was bluffing about
winning those tournaments.
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425. Gentlemen, clearly,
there's been a misunderstanding here.
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426. I'm hoping that we can reach
some kind of a compromise.
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427. Yeah. First off,
I need to know
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428. where you got these
zebra print pillows.
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429. Second of all,
I've got a Tin Cup Blu-ray
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430. itching for a Rene
Russo signature. Tom.
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431. The compromise is
that you're going to
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432. sign the deal we
originally agreed upon.
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433. We're going to let you
continue renting tents,
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434. and you're going to
do it at a fair price.
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435. And Larry? He's the guy
that brought you down,
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436. and he's going to be
watching you like a hawk.
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437. Oh, hey. I'm Larry. Great to
know you. I love Tent World.
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438. God! Can you just be
cool for one second?
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439. Okay.
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440. Black coffee with extra grounds,
gross, for April,
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441. and a mocha ice
blended for Donna.
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442. Guys, I totally blew it. I was all
screwed up and I'm really sorry.
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443. You're wonderful friends,
and I love you.
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444. We love your
crazy ass, too, Knope.
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445. I think you're fine.
Like, a solid B-minus.
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446. Great. I'll take it.
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447. We know you've been
missing Ann so we got you this.
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448. Press the paw.
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449. Hi, Leslie.
It's Ann. I love you,
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450. and everything's
gonna be okay.
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451. It's cute, right?
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452. I'm very lucky
to have you both.
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453. When Ann and I used to fight,
we would make up with a five-minute hug.
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454. You touch me and
I stab the bunny.
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455. Yeah, it's about time for my mid-morning mani,
so I'm gonna to head out.
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456. Okay. Well, that's fine.
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457. We'll forge our
own unique traditions
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458. in the fiery cauldron
of female friendship.
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459. I'm just an impartial bunny,
but I think Ann sucks.
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460. Also, I'm the Zodiac Killer.
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461. And we might even be able
to pull it off under budget.
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462. Sorry. Sorry, you guys. I'm
sorry. I'm trying to find my inhaler.
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463. Because I'm having a little...
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464. Take your time. It's not like
we're trying to get work done here.
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465. Yeah, Larry. By the way,
you're looking in the wrong spot.
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466. Your inhaler is
hidden under the pile
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467. of pistachio shells
on my desk, obviously.
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468. Okay, well, that's funny because
I'm terribly allergic to pistachios.
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469. Classic.
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470. Okay. You know what?
I need to say something.
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471. I like Larry.
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472. He's a good friend,
and a fine man
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473. with an inexplicably
gorgeous wife.
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474. I mean,
to the point where it makes no sense at all.
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475. Sorry.
I'm getting off track.
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476. He's a nice person.
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477. And we should all
stand up and say
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478. I like...
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479. Ben, no!
What are you doing?
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480. He's embarrassing himself
and throwing away his career.
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481. Sweetheart, stop.
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482. O Captain! My Captain!
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483. What is happening?
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484. Larry is my friend.
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485. Thank you, Ben. I mean that.
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486. Oh!
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487. Got so startled,
I tooted.
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488. Come on, man.
Gross.
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