1. Okay. I don't want to overhype this,
but presenting...
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2. The new City of
Pawnee website.
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3. Totally revamped.
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4. You can pay
for parking tickets.
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5. You can apply for
a business license.
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6. And the best part
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7. is we are putting
up an online poll
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8. so people can pick
the new town slogan.
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9. Hey, look, a panda!
Whoa!
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10. Yeah, that's just
some mascot thing
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11. the designer put up
on the front page.
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12. But more importantly,
you can now apply for a utility tax refund online.
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13. Wait. The panda's
name is Peebo.
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14. Peebo!
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15. Look, it can even
play Ping-Pong.
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16. What?
Me first! Me first!
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17. No. Okay,
I said it. I called it.
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18. Guys, Ben worked
really hard on this. Okay?
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19. Hey, let's look
at the online poll.
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20. It's gonna be a cool way to choose
our new town slogan.
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21. The panda holds the paddle
with his tail? I want to play!
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22. Congratulations, Ben.
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23. This is truly a fine panda
game you made. Well done.
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24. What else does he do?
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25. I think if you click on the bamboo,
he puts on a top hat.
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26. Ta-da.
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27. What?
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28. I love you, Ben!
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29. What's wrong with you?
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30. You look like Meryl Streep
at the end of Ironweed.
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31. You wish.
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32. I've been driving
all over Indiana
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33. looking for bands to
play the Unity Concert.
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34. I've got nothing
to show for it
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35. except for four car accidents,
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36. and all these strangers'
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37. insurance information.
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38. Ooh! I get it.
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39. You have car insurance.
Why don't you brag about it?
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40. Hey, you're from
Eagleton, right?
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41. Are there any places out
there I should check out?
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42. I used to go see live
shows at Patterson's,
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43. but I'm boycotting until
the owner apologizes
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44. for what she said to
me at the dog park.
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45. All right. Cool.
Anything else?
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46. I hear Cozy's Bar gets
pretty packed on Thursdays.
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47. But I've never been because
it's mostly middle-aged women,
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48. and I'm allergic
to turkey neck.
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49. Really? That's the best part.
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50. We should split
a turkey sometime.
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51. Oh,
Mr. Larson. Thank you so much for meeting me here.
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52. Happy to.
I was in the area.
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53. Good chance
for me to return
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54. your binder full of
questions about the job.
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55. I think I
answered all of them.
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56. Thank you. I cannot
wait to check these out.
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57. Now, the reason why
I asked you to meet me here...
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58. More questions
about the job?
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59. Oh, yeah.
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60. Martha? I'm going to need
two hours' worth of waffles.
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61. Grant Larson has offered me
a chance to oversee
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62. a branch office of
the National Parks Service.
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63. This is, like,
the parks equivalent
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64. of Bruce Springsteen pulling
Courteney Cox onstage.
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65. I mean, one minute you're just
a regular girl in the crowd.
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66. And the next minute
you're dancing
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67. 10 feet away from
freaking Max Weinberg.
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68. Okay, my 40th and
18th-from-last question
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69. is about the Heartland Exotic
Plant Management Project.
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70. Now, where would
I be actually doing
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71. the physical planting?
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72. Because it has always
been a dream of mine
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73. to plant spotted
jewelweed along
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74. the Red River
bank in Arkansas.
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75. But I'm sure you
hear that a lot.
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76. Well, you wouldn't actually
be planting things.
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77. I mean, you're
overseeing 200 people.
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78. The everyday minutia you
would delegate to your staff.
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79. Leslie, your job is more creative,
big-picture stuff.
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80. No more boring
paperwork for you.
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81. Good. I hate paperwork.
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82. I hardly ever do it in my
bed on a Saturday night
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83. while listening to
old Spice Girls CDs.
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84. Regal Meagle.
My favorite realtor.
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85. You got some hot properties
to show me? You know it.
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86. Remember my
list of must-haves.
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87. Open kitchen, fireplace,
exposed brick...
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88. And you know I wouldn't
kick a skylight out of bed.
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89. I'm opening
Pawnee's first authentic
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90. Sinatra-style
Italian restaurant.
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91. Tom's Bistro.
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92. I'm kind of like a skinny,
handsome, Indian Mario Batali,
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93. who doesn't
know how to cook.
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94. Before we go, I got you guys a
little something for helping me out.
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95. Love it.
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96. A Larry voodoo doll?
Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks.
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97. Oh, my gosh.
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98. I didn't even do anything. The
voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.
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99. So, seems like it
went really well, right?
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100. Yeah. Yeah, totally.
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101. Grant is great, the job is great,
the waffles were great...
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102. Great. So, we're just
about ready to go live
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103. with the slogan poll.
You want to see?
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104. Now that Pawnee and
Eagleton have merged,
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105. it is time to pick
a new town slogan.
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106. And a slogan can
make a big difference
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107. with tourism and
a town's identity.
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108. There's New York,
"The City That Never Sleeps".
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109. And then, there's
Glenwater, Florida,
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110. "Home of America's Most
Violent Walmart Parking Lot."
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111. Okay. So, people can vote now?
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112. Yeah. See,
that's the super cool thing about this website.
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113. Because it does
all the work for us,
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114. so we can just sit
back and take it easy.
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115. No. No, we're not
going to do that.
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116. We're going to sit
forward and take it hard.
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117. Um, what?
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118. There's a lot of nitty-gritty left to do,
Ben.
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119. We need to roll up our sleeves.
We need to go door-to-door.
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120. We need to hand out flyers and
canvas. You know what we should do?
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121. We should have a press junket
to publicize the poll.
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122. Okay. I hope you
had lunch plans,
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123. because now,
you get to cancel them.
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124. Well, I did.
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125. So, this was one of Eagleton's
top sushi restaurants,
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126. but you can't out-run
the whale meat police forever.
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127. This is great! I love it!
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128. Look at it.
I can picture it now.
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129. That's where
the politicians will sit.
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130. This is where the connected
guys will bring their goomahs.
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131. This place is perfect.
How much?
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132. $9,000 a month.
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133. What? That's way
more than I can afford.
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134. Whatever, it's not that great.
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135. Plus, it's really far away from work,
and that would be annoying.
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136. That's not a big deal.
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137. I mean, when it first launches,
I'll go back and forth.
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138. But hopefully,
it takes off
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139. and it will become
a full-time job.
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140. Come on. I'll show you some
places in your price range.
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141. This press junket is
a brilliant idea, isn't it,
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142. Mr. Strange-cameraman-
who-I've-never-met?
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143. Leslie, I told you.
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144. I'm not gonna
participate in your weird
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145. Julia Roberts-
cameraman/husband fantasy.
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146. Quiet, cameraman, Perd's here.
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147. Leslie, your poll is designed
to choose a new slogan.
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148. And a slogan is a series of
words that have a meaning.
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149. So true, Perd.
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150. All of the choices for the
town slogan are wonderful.
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151. But if I had to
choose my favorite,
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152. it would probably be
"Storied Past, Bright Future".
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153. Well, the story of my
interest level is...
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154. It's medium.
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155. Joan, this poll is
a chance to give
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156. our newly-merged
city a new identity.
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157. To really rebrand this town.
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158. Yes, great question. I have
been thinking of rebranding myself.
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159. What do you think
about "Juan Callamezzo"?
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160. Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
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161. No, it means "flower."
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162. I think it means "John."
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163. Crazy Ira and The Douche
from 93.7 FM. The Groove.
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164. Leslie, do you believe
that this new slogan
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165. will integrate Pawnee and
Eagleton into one cohesive city?
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166. Well, that's a very thoughtful
question, Crazy Ira.
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167. Yes. Yes, I do.
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168. A follow-up question, Leslie.
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169. Show us your boobs!
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170. Will this fit on a bumper
sticker?
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171. Gosh, this place
is packed, huh?
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172. You folks must
really like this guy.
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173. Honey, he is
sex on a stick.
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174. Ladies and gentlemen,
put your jazzy hands together for my man,
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175. Mr. Duke Silver.
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176. Ooh, baby!
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177. A smooth and silky
evening to you all.
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178. On nights like this,
when the cold winds blow,
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179. and the air is awash in the
swirling eddies of our dreams,
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180. come with me
and find safe haven
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181. in a warm bathtub
full of my jazz.
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182. Ooh!
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183. Well, the good news is,
your poll was a big hit.
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184. Thousands of people voted.
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185. That's great. What's leading?
"Storied Past, Bright Future"?
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186. No. The current leader is "Pawnee:
Welcome to Douche Nation".
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187. What?
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188. Crazy Ira and The Douche got
their bonehead radio fans
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189. to flood the poll
with write-in votes.
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190. Why did we include
a write-in option?
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191. Because every election
has a write-in option.
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192. That's how democracy works.
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193. I'm not a dictator.
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194. If I were a dictator, I would throw
The Douche in prison without a trial.
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195. I would be a very
strong dictator.
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196. And you would be my bodyguard
and you would lead my army.
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197. Okay. I know we should
figure out how to fix this,
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198. but I'm starting to get kind of
turned on imagining you as a dictator.
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199. Is that bad?
No, it's okay.
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200. You know, we could just figure out a
different strategy for picking a slogan.
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201. You don't have to
go on their show.
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202. No, I want to do this.
I enjoy the challenge.
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203. So, how do I look?
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204. I need these guys to think that I'm,
like, super chill.
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205. Is this gonna work?
Oh, what up, Lez?
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206. Backwards hat shows a real
lack of respect for authority.
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207. I like that.
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208. What's up, Little Mayor?
You going to freak out again?
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209. So, Leslie,
what's the deal?
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210. Are you just here
to yell at us again?
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211. Yeah, are we in store for
another Leslie Knope nag sesh?
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212. "Crazy Ira,
do the dishes!"
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213. Classic. No way.
I'm not here to nag, guys.
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214. I'm just psyched
to be in the studio.
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215. You know, I'm just chilling in
the etudes with my dudes.
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216. If you're really not
here to nag us,
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217. then maybe you'll help us
with our next segment...
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218. Rating Celebrities' Boobs!
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219. Perfect.
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220. On a scale from
one to ga-ga-going,
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221. how would you rate
Emma Watson's boobs?
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222. First of all, I would
rate her acting as an "A."
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223. You have three
seconds to answer
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224. or we're going to withdraw
a donation from charity.
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225. From charity?
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226. A-minus.
More like double D-minus.
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227. Me so horny!
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228. I knew it. I knew it.
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229. Can I help you?
Maybe.
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230. I was out at
a jazz club last night,
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231. scouting bands for
the Unity Concert.
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232. And I saw something
very interesting.
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233. I am Duke Silver.
You have a twin brother.
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234. What?
What?
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235. You're Duke Silver?
I have a twin brother.
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236. Yes. I am Duke Silver.
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237. The only other people who
know are Tom and April.
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238. So, please keep
it to yourself.
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239. Are you kidding me?
You're really good!
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240. You're like "the saxophone player
for The California Raisins" good.
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241. No joke.
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242. You know what? I'm booking
you for the Unity Concert.
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243. Absolutely not.
Yes.
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244. My musical career is private. Oh,
no.
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245. If my secret got out,
this office would be
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246. waist-deep in
women's undergarments.
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247. No, I'm in charge of booking the
bands for the concert, and I say you're in.
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248. You're going to play right
after Bobby Knight Ranger.
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249. It's a Night Ranger cover band
where they only wear red sweaters.
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250. It's gonna be epic!
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251. Final round, Leslie.
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252. Boobs or ass?
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253. Hard to believe this is a fun
game for your radio listeners.
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254. Uh...
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255. I'm going to say butt. Yes!
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256. You are correct.
This is my mom's dumper.
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257. Oh, Mommy!
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258. I do not know how
you got your hands on that.
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259. I took it.
Good.
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260. Well, it has been so fun
bro-ing out with my dawgs.
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261. I never knew that objectifying
women could be so much fun.
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262. We're running out of time here,
so just a quick reminder to
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263. write in "Welcome to Douche Nation.. ." Oh,
yeah.
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264. as the official town
slogan at "pawneecity.gov."
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265. Or you know what
would also be kind of dope
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266. for the people
of Douche Nation to do
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267. is vote for another slogan.
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268. Like, you know,
"Storied Past, Bright Future"?
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269. But... Yeah, I don't care.
I don't give a fart, bros.
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270. You know, just do your thing,
chicken wing.
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271. Hey, Crazy Ira. Have you seen
my stick? Where's your stick?
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272. I don't know. Lesbo Baggins,
do you know where my stick is?
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273. You.. .
Found my stick.
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274. Where did you find it?
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275. Up Leslie Knope's butt!
Up Leslie Knope's butt!
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276. Yo, where my stick at?
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277. It's up her butt, Papi.
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278. Jewish Greg, whatever we're paying you,
it's not enough.
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279. Damn it.
I almost pulled that off.
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280. No, you really didn't.
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281. Just delete the poll
and let the slogan thing go.
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282. Or maybe we
sneak back in there,
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283. you distract those guys for,
like, 30, 90 minutes,
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284. I get on live radio,
I give an impassioned speech about
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285. which slogan I want to endorse,
and I play a few songs,
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286. which I've
always wanted to do.
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287. And then,
we just see what happens.
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288. No. I should just
let this go. Okay.
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289. Dude, what are you doing?
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290. That looks like a perfectly
good saxophone case.
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291. Wait a minute.
What's inside that case?
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292. I am ending my secret musical
career. I have to kill Duke Silver.
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293. No. Come on,
man, you're really good.
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294. You can't quit.
Sorry, Andrew.
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295. I would rather
never play again
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296. than have everyone
know my secret.
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297. Goodbye, Duke Silver.
May you rest in jazz.
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298. So, Tom told me you're sort of,
like, a computer expert?
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299. Uh, yeah. You could say that.
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300. These jerks are trying
to hijack my online poll.
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301. And so far,
the leading town slogan is
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302. "Home of the Stick Up
Leslie Knope's Butt".
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303. Yeah. Yeah,
I voted for that one. Great.
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304. I'm wondering.
Is there a way
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305. I can communicate with
everybody who voted?
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306. Yeah,
I could do that. It should take about two minutes.
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307. Just PayPal me some Bitcoins
when you get a chance.
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308. What?
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309. So, this is way
under your budget.
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310. Used to be a donut shop.
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311. Well, a tire shop
that sold donuts.
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312. It's pretty rough. I mean,
I guess I could fix the roof
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313. and tear out the counter and
do something about that smell.
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314. This place is creepy.
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315. I mean, I love it
because it reminds me of
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316. the cafeteria in
a haunted nursing home.
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317. But that's just me.
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318. This is the last
listing I have
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319. that isn't
an active crime scene.
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320. Hey, man, what happened? I thought
Jurassic Fork was super popular.
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321. We stretched
ourselves too thin
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322. by expanding to
a second location.
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323. You opened another
dinosaur-themed restaurant?
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324. No, another Steven Spielberg-
themed restaurant.
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325. The German place downtown,
Schindler's Lunch.
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326. I think you may
have misunderstood
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327. what people liked
about Jurassic Fork.
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328. I actually think
the space is pretty cool.
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329. Obviously, we'd have to
move this T-Rex, but...
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330. No can do.
That's a load-bearing T-Rex.
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331. Is this really the last place
you have available?
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332. Dang. Maybe Tom's Bistro
wasn't meant to be.
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333. You wanted to see me?
Yeah, real quick.
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334. Remember when you said you would
close up shop on this slogan thing?
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335. Yes.
You did do that, right?
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336. You didn't somehow
get the email addresses
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337. for every person who voted
for the "stick up the butt" slogan,
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338. and then write each of them a personalized,
heart-felt email
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339. telling them to do the right
thing and vote for a real slogan?
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340. Are you crazy?
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341. What a crazy talk you just
did with your funny words.
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342. Well, someone
wrote those emails,
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343. and we got about
300 complaints.
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344. And as a cherry on top,
some hackers
Copy !req
345. got really mad about
the invasion of privacy
Copy !req
346. and attacked the website.
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347. Look what they did to Peebo.
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348. He's wearing
a hat made of penises.
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349. Oh, boy.
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350. Well, IT is fixing
the website.
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351. But it will be down
for about three days.
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352. Well, no worries. I will handle all
of the overflow work personally.
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353. Parking tickets,
code violations. Send them all to me.
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354. What's going on?
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355. I don't know. I spoke to Grant
about the National Parks job,
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356. and he mentioned it's mostly
big-picture planning and delegating.
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357. And not very
much nitty-gritty,
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358. hands-on stuff
that I love to do.
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359. I would miss
that very much.
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360. I mean, have I really
pulled my last bloated
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361. raccoon carcass
from a public fountain?
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362. But that's the whole point
of moving up the ladder.
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363. You get to think bigger,
swim in a bigger pond.
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364. You're having a public forum
on the slogan, right?
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365. Use it as a test.
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366. Hand the reins to someone else,
let them handle things
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367. while you manage
from a distance.
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368. Yeah, that's a good idea.
I guess I should practice
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369. delegating. Ugh!
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370. Okay. The public
forum will be run by...
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371. Oh, no. I would not
have started the sentence
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372. if I knew Larry was
the only one here.
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373. Babe, if you can step back
and let Larry take control,
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374. you can survive anything.
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375. Fine.
Larry, can you get in here?
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376. I would love to,
but gosh darn it, I...
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377. I somehow ran my belt through a slat in the chair,
so I'm kind of...
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378. Kind of stuck to it now.
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379. Great.
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380. You really shouldn't have
dug that out of the dumpster.
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381. I had to. Also,
I had a banana on the way over here.
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382. Sorry. I get why you don't want
anyone to know about Duke Silver.
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383. And you don't have to worry.
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384. Your secret is safe with me.
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385. To even it out,
I'm going to tell you all of my secrets.
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386. Oh, no, that's not necessary.
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387. I once forgot to brush
my teeth for five weeks.
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388. I didn't actually
sell my last car.
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389. I just forgot
where I parked it.
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390. I don't know who Al Gore is,
and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.
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391. When they say
two-percent milk,
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392. I don't know what
the other 98% is.
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393. When I was a baby,
my head was so big
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394. scientists did
experiments on me.
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395. I once threw a beer at a swan,
and then it attacked my niece, Rebecca.
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396. That will do, Andrew.
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397. You don't have to
play the Unity Concert.
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398. But don't quit music. Please.
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399. Tommy.
Hey.
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400. Are you okay?
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401. Yeah. I just got excited
about the restaurant,
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402. but I should probably
call my investor
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403. and tell him we
have a problem.
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404. Well, I got you
something to cheer you up.
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405. Watch cologne.
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406. Cologne for watches.
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407. Thanks. Things used
to make me so happy.
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408. But I've grown
a lot in the last year.
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409. Now, I just want
one big thing.
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410. My own restaurant,
named after me,
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411. that makes so much money
I can buy anything I want.
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412. I should go.
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413. I didn't want
Tom to leave,
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414. so I said all
those bad things
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415. about the restaurants
so he wouldn't like them.
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416. Damn. We should
have coordinated.
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417. I don't want to lose that weird little elf,
either.
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418. That's why I showed him
all those crappy places.
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419. I thought you were
just bad at your job.
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420. Sorry.
Well, what should we do?
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421. I'm gonna call some people.
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422. Hello, everyone,
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423. and welcome to a public forum
to choose our new town slogan.
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424. I'm going to hand
things over to Larry Gengurch,
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425. who is 100% in charge.
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426. Well,
let's just get started, huh?
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427. I want to talk about the.. . What
the.. . It's the... Jeez, Louise.
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428. It keeps happening.
I don't know why.
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429. I think the slogan should be "Pawnee: Home
of Crackers, the Orangest Goldfish in Indiana."
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430. Okey-dokey.
No.
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431. Let me write it down.
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432. Who even needs a slogan?
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433. Well, now,
that is an interesting point.
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434. No. That's my slogan idea.
"Who Even Needs a Slogan?"
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435. And then, a big picture
of me flipping everybody off.
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436. Let's keep our eye on the ball here,
Douche Nation.
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437. "Home of the Stick Up
Leslie Knope's Butt!"
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438. Butt! Stick!
Butt! Stick!
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439. Let's vote on it right now!
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440. Butt! Stick! Butt! Stick!
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441. Okay, who's next? Yes, ma'am.
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442. This slogan is going to
go on every sign in town.
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443. I think it should be something real,
that we can all be proud of.
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444. I've lived in Pawnee my whole
life. And it can be a strange place,
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445. but overall, it's
a warm and wonderful town.
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446. My idea for a slogan is "When you're here,
then you're home".
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447. Well, that's lovely.
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448. I actually had it printed up so we
could see what it would look like.
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449. You... There's.. .
That's spelled wrong.
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450. That should be "then,"
T-H-E-N.
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451. Stay strong. Let them
work it out. And trust Larry.
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452. "Trust Larry"? Are you
even listening to yourself?
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453. I like that slogan a lot.
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454. But you made
a little mistake there.
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455. She's gonna work it out.
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456. Back off.
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457. "You're" is spelled wrong.
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458. It should be "Y-O-U-R."
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459. Oops. I didn't catch it.
Thank you.
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460. No, no, no. She made it
possessive. She's getting further away.
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461. It's okay.
Okay. Let's vote.
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462. All those in favor.
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463. Approved!
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464. Man, the places
that came on the market today
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465. are way nicer than the
listings we saw yesterday.
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466. I know. It's crazy,
right? Real estate.
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467. And this property
is under your budget,
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468. and it has everything on
this wish list you gave me.
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469. Except the two helipads.
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470. Does it have one helipad?
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471. I don't know. I like it,
but it seems a little small.
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472. You know, I think
it just seems small
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473. because of all
the heavy furniture.
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474. But that bar is really great.
The lighting is really cool.
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475. I think this is the one.
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476. You know, I think
you're right. I'll do it.
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477. Thanks, April. And hey, bonus,
it's pretty close to City Hall.
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478. You guys can be regulars.
I'll keep a table open for you.
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479. And special thanks
to Leslie Knope
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480. for once again bringing about
positive change to this town.
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481. Pawnee, I present to
you your new slogan.
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482. You fixed the mistakes.
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483. Well, I held it together
for the entire meeting.
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484. Let me have this one. I am done micromanaging,
I promise.
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485. Then, I'm sure you're
okay with the fact that
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486. they installed
the sign the wrong way,
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487. and it's welcoming you
to Pawnee as you're leaving.
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488. What? No. Oh, son of a...
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489. Hey. You passed the test.
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490. Honestly,
there's something else I'm worried about.
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491. The kind of work that I've
been doing all these years,
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492. the nuts and bolts,
the grunt work,
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493. that's the stuff
I know how to do.
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494. What if I take this
National Parks job,
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495. and I just fail?
Hmm.
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496. What if I'm not good at it?
Yeah.
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497. Leslie, I love you very much.
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498. But that's the stupidest thing
you've ever said.
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499. You'd be amazing,
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500. and everyone is going to be
in awe of how amazing you are.
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501. So, just shut your mouth.
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502. Hey! Are we
leaving or entering?
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503. We've been driving
around in circles!
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504. You're...
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