Parks and Recreation 5x22

1. AND BEFORE WE START BRAINSTORMING,

2. I JUST WANNA THANK RON FOR LENDING US HIS CABIN.

3. MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I HAD A CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

4. I NEVER SHOULD'VE AGREED TO THIS

5. OR LET YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A CABIN

6. OR GOTTEN TO KNOW ANY OF YOU.

7. - THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

8. FOUNDER'S WEEK IS A YEARLY CELEBRATION

9. OF ALL THINGS PAWNEE.

10. WE'VE GOT A PIE-EATING CONTEST,

11. A GIANT PETTING ZOO,

12. AND THE GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL,

13. THE FOUNDER'S WEEK PARADE.

14. BUT OUR PARADE MAKES THE ROSE BOWL PARADE

15. LOOK LIKE A TURDS-ON-WHEELS CONVENTION.

16. LET'S DO AN EXERCISE.

17. APRIL, WHAT MAKES PAWNEE THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD?

18. MOST MURDERS PER CAPITA.

19. THE GUILLOTINE WAS INVENTED HERE.

20. CITY HALL IS RUN BY THE WALRUS MAFIA.

21. - DONNA, HELP ME OUT. WHAT MAKES PAWNEE SO GREAT?

22. IN ABOUT THREE YEARS, I WILL HAVE SAVED ENOUGH

23. TO PAY OFF MY CONDO IN SEATTLE.

24. - YOU HAVE A CONDO IN SEATTLE?

25. - YES, I LIKE THE RAIN AND THE FISH MARKETS.

26. I WANT THIS TO BE THE BEST FOUNDER'S WEEK EVER, OKAY?

27. NO MORE DISTRACTIONS. - I'M BORED.

28. LET'S GO HAVE SEX IN A TREE.

29. HE'LL BE BACK IN EIGHT MINUTES.

30. - WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING HER HERE?

31. - I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY POWER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

32. I'LL THINK OF IDEAS IN THE TREE.

33. - ANYONE'S WELCOME TO JOIN US IN THE TREE!

34. - REALLY?

35. OKAY. THANK YOU.

36. BYE.

37. - YOU OKAY?

38. - YEAH, I'M FINE.

39. COLLEAGUES, CO-WORKERS, FRIENDS.

40. EVERYONE FEELING NORMAL... TODAY?

41. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

42. I LEFT MY SWEAT SHIRT AT RON'S CABIN.

43. WHEN I WENT BACK TO GET IT,

44. POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST.

45. I ACCIDENTALLY THREW MY SWEAT SHIRT AWAY.

46. THAT'S WHY I WAS DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH.

47. FOUND THAT TOO. PRETTY COOL.

48. SO IF MY SCIENCE IS CORRECT,

49. ONE OF THE FIVE WOMEN WHO WERE AT THE CABIN—

50. LESLIE, DONNA, ANN, MONA-LISA, OR APRIL—

51. IS PREGNANT!

52. CAN'T BE APRIL.

53. SHE WOULD'VE TOLD ME.

54. THAT LEAVES FOUR SUSPECTS.

55. THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN

56. BERT MACKLIN, FBI.

57. THEY SAID I WAS RETIRED.

58. THEY SAID I WAS TOO DANGEROUS

59. FOR THE PAWNEE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

60. TURNS OUT THEY WERE RIGHT...

61. AND WRONG.

62. MACKLIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

63. - HELLO, FELLOW PAWNEEANS.

64. AS YOU KNOW, THE FOUNDER'S WEEK FESTIVITIES

65. KICK OFF TOMORROW.

66. UM, ONE SMALL ANNOUNCEMENT:

67. DUE TO A TRAGIC MISUNDERSTANDING,

68. THE PRETTIEST PIG BEAUTY PAGEANT

69. HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A PORK RIB BARBECUE COMPETITION.

70. OH, NO.

71. - BUT ON TO LESS GRISLY NEWS,

72. THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING

73. IN OUR SPECIAL FOUNDER'S WEEK PUBLIC FORUM

74. LED BY COUNCILWOMAN LESLIE KNOPE.

75. - THANKS TO A LOT OF HARD WORK

76. AND SOME VERY DEDICATED CIVIL SERVANTS,

77. THIS HAS BEEN A BANNER YEAR FOR OUR CITY.

78. OBESITY AND DIABETES ARE DOWN.

79. PAWNEE RACCOON ATTACKS HAVE DECREASED.

80. PEOPLE CAN NOW SUDDENLY FEEL SAFE

81. IN OUR PARKS, GROCERY STORES, AND HOSPITALS.

82. I AM VERY PROUD OF WHAT WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED.

83. IN FACT, THIS FORUM IS KIND OF MY VICTORY LAP.

84. I AM HERE TODAY TO ASK YOU ONE QUESTION.

85. ARE YOU BETTER OFF NOW THAN YOU WERE A YEAR AGO?

86. WHO'D LIKE TO START? UH-OH.

87. - KATHRYN PINEWOOD, PAWNEE RESTAURANT ASSOCIATION.

88. THIS TOWN IS NOT BETTER OFF.

89. THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN A DISASTER,

90. AND THIS GOVERNMENT IS HELL-BENT

91. ON STRIPPING AWAY OUR MOST BASIC PERSONAL FREEDOMS.

92. - OKAY, COUNTERPOINT.

93. - MS. PINEWOOD, I'VE NEVER STRIPPED AWAY ANYONE'S FREEDOMS.

94. I SIMPLY STOPPED A RESTAURANT

95. FROM SERVING AN INSANE 500-OUNCE SODA TO ITS CUSTOMERS,

96. WHICH ONLY MADE OUR CITIZENS HEALTHIER.

97. AND FRANKLY, I DON'T SEE ANY OF THOSE CITIZENS

98. STANDING UP AND COMPLAINING ABO—

99. OKAY. NOW, I SEE THEM.

100. THAT SWEAT SUIT'S NOT FOR SWEATIN' IN, OKAY?

101. IF YOU GO AT MORE THAN A BRISK WALK,

102. IT WILL FALL APART.

103. THIS LOOKS DOPE. LET'S PAY FOR IT.

104. BUSINESS IS BOOMING.

105. IF IT KEEPS UP LIKE THIS, I WOULD LEAVE THE PARKS DEPARTMENT

106. AND DO RENT-A-SWAG FULL-TIME, MAYBE EVEN EXPAND.

107. I COULD ADD A BABY SECTION OVER THERE,

108. CALL IT "LI'L SWAGGERS."

109. I COULD ADD SOME OLD PEOPLE STUFF,

110. CALL IT "RENT-A-SAG."

111. UGH, NO. OLD PEOPLE ARE GROSS.

112. OH. NICE.

113. - HEY, DINGDONG! CAN I GO HOME?

114. MY TUM-TUM FEELS GROSS,

115. AND ALSO, I HATE WORKING.

116. - I GUESS, BUT FIND SOMEONE TO COVER FOR YOU, OKAY?

117. 'CAUSE WE'RE REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW.

118. ALSO, A LAWYER GUY CALLED YOU.

119. HE SOUNDED REALLY SEXY ON THE PHONE,

120. AND I WAS VERY INTO THAT.

121. LIKE, I WAS, LIKE, VERY INTO THAT.

122. - ALL RIGHT, LET'S SET UP SOME BOUNDARIES

123. ON WHAT'S COOL FOR YOU TO SAY TO ME, OKAY?

124. - OKAY. I FRENCHED MY COUSIN ONE TIME.

125. - I MIGHT STILL BE IN LOVE WITH HIM.

126. - PLEASE LEAVE. - ALL RIGHT, BYE.

127. - TOM HAVERFORD, MY NAME IS TREVOR NELSSON.

128. I REPRESENT A CLIENT WHO WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

129. - BABYFACE HEARD MY DEMO?

130. I WILL ACCEPT A RECORD DEAL.

131. - NO, YOU DEEPLY MISUNDERSTAND.

132. MY CLIENT HAS TAKEN AN INTEREST IN RENT-A-SWAG.

133. HE'D LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU ARE LOOKING

134. TO SELL A CONTROLLING INTEREST IN THE STORE.

135. - WHOA, DIDDY WANTS TO BUY RENT-A-SWAG?

136. - NOT WHAT I SAID. - THIS IS A LOT TO PROCESS.

137. WILL DIDDY BE COMING TO THE MEETING?

138. - I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO TELL YOU WHO MY CLIENT IS.

139. IT WOULD VIOLATE CONFIDENTIALITY.

140. - I UNDERSTAND. - IT'S NOT DIDDY.

141. - GOT IT.

142. - OH. - OH, HELLO... ANN.

143. - OH, BOY. WHAT DO YOU WANT, MACKLIN?

144. - ME? JUST OBSERVING.

145. A LITTLE SOMETHING THEY TAUGHT US DOWN AT QUANTICO.

146. WELL, I GUESS I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

147. WAIT, THERE IS JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.

148. CONGRATULATIONS. - IS THAT A QUESTION?

149. - IT'S AN ACCUSATION, 'CAUSE I KNOW YOUR SECRET.

150. YOU'RE PREGNANT. - WHAT? I'M NOT PREGNANT.

151. - YOU'RE NOT? DAMN IT. WHO IS?

152. 'CAUSE I FOUND THIS AT RON SWANSON'S CABIN.

153. IT'S A PREGNANCY TEST. - OH, MY GOD.

154. SOMEONE WE KNOW IS PREGNANT?

155. I'M TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. THAT'S NOT FAIR.

156. I MEAN, GREAT, AND HAPPY FOR THEM,

157. AND CONGRATULATIONS, WHATEVER,

158. BUT OOH! NO! BOO!

159. WE HAVE TO FIND OUT WHO THIS IS.

160. - WHOA, I DON'T THINK SO. BERT MACKLIN WORKS ALONE.

161. YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY BURGERS AS YOU WANT.

162. - WELCOME TO THE FBI.

163. - MS. PINEWOOD, LESLIE'S PUBLIC HEALTH INITIATIVE

164. HAS BEEN A HUGE SUCCESS.

165. PAWNEE IS NO LONGER THE FOURTH MOST OBESE CITY IN AMERICA.

166. WE'RE NOW NINTH.

167. - TOGETHER, AS A TOWN, WE LOST

168. AN AMOUNT OF WEIGHT EQUAL TO 800 PREGNANT MANATEES.

169. - A GYM OPENED, AND IT STAYED IN BUSINESS.

170. AND PEOPLE CHECKING INTO THE E.R.

171. AFTER INGESTING A WHOLE CANDY WRAPPER IS DOWN 40%.

172. - BUT WHERE WILL IT END?

173. NOW, YOU WANNA ROB OUR CHILDREN OF FUN

174. BY ATTACKING THE SWEETUMS SCHOOL LUNCH PROGRAM,

175. LITERALLY TAKING CANDY FROM BABIES.

176. - THOSE SCHOOL LUNCHES ARE INCREDIBLY UNHEALTHY.

177. YOU SOMEHOW CONVINCED THE SCHOOL BOARD

178. THAT NAPKINS ARE A VEGETABLE.

179. - THEY'RE MADE FROM PLANTS.

180. STOP RESTRICTING OUR FREEDOMS.

181. - YEAH!

182. EVER SINCE YOU STRIPPED US OF OUR FREEDOMS

183. BY MAKING US HIRE WOMEN,

184. WE'VE HAD TO TURN ONE OF OUR BATHROOMS

185. INTO A WOMAN'S BATHROOM.

186. WE ONLY HAVE ONE BATHROOM NOW.

187. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HORRIBLE PRICE TO PAY

188. FOR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS GENDER EQUALITY.

189. - BJORN LERPISS OF THE PAWNEE LERPISS FAMILY.

190. THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PAUNCH BURGER

191. IN THIS LOT NEXT TO MY HOUSE.

192. AND THEN, YOU STRIPPED MY FREEDOM

193. WITH A TRIPLE-DECKER PANCAKE BREAKFAST PIZZA,

194. AND THAT MAKES ME 20 MINUTES LATE TO WORK EVERY DAY.

195. - HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED NOT EATING THAT FOR BREAKFAST?

196. - I'LL NEVER CONSIDER THAT.

197. - THIS FEELS STRANGELY PERSONAL.

198. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL STANDING UP

199. SAYING HOW MUCH THEY HATE ME AS A PERSON.

200. - HOW MANY PEOPLE AM I TALKING TO, DONNA?

201. ONE OR 11/9?

202. - ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I'M PREGNANT?

203. - OH. INTERESTING.

204. I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING ANYTHING

205. ABOUT ANYONE BEING PREGNANT.

206. - ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT YOU?

207. - I'M A GROWN WOMAN WITH A GOOD HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS.

208. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

209. - WHEW. THIS CASE JUST GOT INTERESTING.

210. IT WAS PRETTY INTERESTING TO BEGIN WITH.

211. THIS CASE JUST REMAINED INTERESTING.

212. - LISTEN, MY WIFE AND I DO NOT FEEL

213. THAT WE'RE BETTER OFF THAN A YEAR AGO

214. BECAUSE A YEAR AGO, THIS TOWN

215. WHERE PEOPLE COULD PUT THEIR BODY PARTS

216. ANYWHERE THEY WANT WITH IMPUNITY.

217. - AND THEN, YOU WERE ELECTED.

218. AND NOW, THIS TOWN IS A HORRIFYING SEX DEN

219. WHERE PEOPLE CAN PUT THEIR BODY PARTS

220. ANYWHERE THEY WANT TO WITH IMPUNITY.

221. - IF YOU ARE REFERRING TO MY FIGHT

222. TO TEACH COMPREHENSIVE SEX EDUCATION,

223. YOU NEED TO AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT

224. THAT STDs ARE DOWN 14% FROM LAST YEAR.

225. - AND DEVIANT BEHAVIOR IN PAWNEE IS UP A BILLION PERCENT!

226. - NO, IT'S— NO, IT'S—

227. - THIS TOWN IS GOING TO HELL

228. IN A GUCCI KNOCK-OFF HANDBAG, GIRL.

229. SEE? SEE?

230. THEY AGREE. COME ON.

231. - I AM DEFINITELY BETTER OFF THAN I WAS A YEAR AGO,

232. AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO LESLIE KNOPE.

233. THIS WOMAN SINGLE-HANDEDLY SAVED MY BUSINESS.

234. - THANK YOU, DENNIS. THERE YOU GO, PERFECT EXAMPLE.

235. NO NEED FOR FURTHER QUESTIONS ON THAT ONE.

236. - OH, I'M SORRY. WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS, SIR?

237. - OH, I RUN A PORNOGRAPHIC DVD EMPORIUM.

238. - WELL, IT USED TO BE A QUAINT, LITTLE MOVIE RENTAL PLACE

239. WITH A LOT OF COMMUNITY VALUE.

240. - OH, IT'S MUCH BETTER NOW. - YEAH!

241. - LESLIE IS THE BEST. - NO, NO, BRANDI.

242. GAH, GAH, GAH, GAH— - HELLO, EVERYONE.

243. I'M BRANDI MAXXXX... HI, BRANDI.

244. - STAR OF SUCH FILMS AS THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERBONE,

245. A GOOD GUY TO LAY HARD, AND ARGO.

246. I HAD A SMALL PART IN ARGO

247. AS WELL AS THE PORN VERSION OUR GOO.

248. - I'VE SEEN THE FIRST 90 SECONDS.

249. IT'S THRILLING.

250. THERE WOULD BE FAR, FAR LESS PORNOGRAPHY IN THIS TOWN.

251. - NO, WHAT HAPPENED WAS THERE WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING,

252. AND I ACCIDENTALLY GOT THE GOVERNMENT INVOLVED

253. IN AN UNSEEMLY BUSINESS, BUT I CLEARED THAT UP,

254. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF SEX-CRAZED MANIAC OR SOMETHING.

255. - LESLIE, ARE YOU PREGNANT?

256. THIS POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST IN A DUMPSTER IN THE WOODS?

257. HEY, EVERYBODY.

258. - NO. - REALLY?

259. OKAY. WELL, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

260. - SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

261. - WAS THAT BRANDI MAXXXX?

262. - INVESTORS, I HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS ABOUT RENT-A-SWAG.

263. SOMEONE— I'M NOT SAYING DIDDY,

264. BUT I'M NOT NOT SAYING DIDDY—

265. HAS OFFERED TO BUY OUT RENT-A-SWAG

266. FOR A BUTTLOAD OF MONEY.

267. - HOW BIG A BUTTLOAD, SON?

268. - WE WOULD ALL BASICALLY DOUBLE OUR INVESTMENTS.

269. - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SELL, BABY.

270. IMAGINE THE KIND OF TREAT-YOURSELF DAY

271. WE COULD HAVE WITH THE PROFITS.

272. I'M TALKING PEDICURES ON PEDICURES ON PEDICURES.

273. - IF SOMEONE IS INTERESTED IN BUYING YOU OUT,

274. IT MEANS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.

275. I SAY YOU CONTINUE TO GROW,

276. ACCUMULATE POWER, FIND THIS INVESTOR,

277. AND BUY HIS BUSINESS TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.

278. - APRIL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? - I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT.

279. I ACTUALLY THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GET A "HELLO KITTY" TATTOO.

280. - NO, WITH THE STORE. - OH.

281. UH, BURN IT FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY.

282. - TOM, LISTEN TO ME, IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED—

283. - GOD, NOBODY CARES, GARY. - ENOUGH.

284. THANK YOU. - I MISS YOU GUYS.

285. - WHAT A WONDERFUL EVENT. EVERYONE IS HAVING FUN.

286. THIS IS GREAT.

287. - CHRIS, COULD YOU JUST PLEASE...

288. - I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP.

289. JUST HANG IN THERE. - THANKS.

290. - ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I FOUND OUT

291. THIS MORNING THAT I AM PLAYING

292. A SPECIAL ROLE IN THIS PARADE.

293. NO SPOILERS.

294. - HONEY, I HATE TO STATE THE OBVIOUS,

295. BUT YOU CHOSE A LIFE IN POLITICS.

296. I MEAN, THE MORE YOU ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH,

297. THE MORE HEAT YOU'RE GONNA DRAW.

298. - YEAH, I KNOW. - LET'S GO WATCH THE PARADE.

299. YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T RESIST A PARADE.

300. - THAT'S TRUE.

301. MY TWO VICES. - THERE YOU GO.

302. WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

303. - MY ASSISTANT HAS SOMETHING SHE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU.

304. - PARTNER.

305. - OH, MY ASSISTANT HAS SOMETHING SHE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU, PARTNER.

306. IT'S A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST, TOM.

307. I FOUND IT OUTSIDE OF RON'S CABIN

308. IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY MONA-LISA COULD BE PREGNANT?

309. WE ALWAYS USE PROTECTION...

310. BUT I'M PRETTY POSITIVE SHE POKES HOLES IN THEM.

311. WHAT BRAND PREGNANCY TEST IS IT?

312. - IT'S CALLED "WOMB THERE IT IS."

313. - THAT'S HER BRAND.

314. I'M GONNA BE A DAD?

315. I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY WITH JEAN-RALPHIO'S SISTER?

316. OH, GOD. WHAT HAVE I DONE?

317. LIKE, TO HUMANITY?

318. - THIS IS THE PERFECT THING

319. I AM GOING TO PRETEND THAT THIS IS MY VICTORY PARADE

320. AND THE TOWN IS CELEBRATING MY HARD WORK AND DEDICATION.

321. - THERE YOU GO. - LESLIE, LESLIE.

322. I'M SO SORRY. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

323. - WHAT ARE— WHAT?

324. - I'M THE NIPPLE KING.

325. - KERNSTON'S RUBBER NIPPLE COMPANY

326. ELECTS A NIPPLE KING AND A NIPPLE QUEEN EVERY YEAR

327. TO RIDE ON THE FLOAT.

328. CONGRATULATIONS, CHRIS. - THANK YOU.

329. IT'S SUCH AN AMAZING HONOR. - IT'S WONDERFUL.

330. - BUT I DO NEED TO TALK TO YOU

331. ABOUT A FLOAT THAT IS IN THIS PARADE,

332. - NO FUN FOR YOU! - UH-OH.

333. - NO FUN FOR YOU!

334. IS THAT ME? - MAYBE IT'S NOT YOU.

335. MAYBE IT'S KATE UPTON. - OH, THANK YOU.

336. NO, IT'S ME, AND DAMN THEM. NO FUN FOR YOU!

337. HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

338. HEY, STOP, PLEASE!

339. I'M SORRY, I DON'T MEAN TO STOP YOUR PARADE OR ANYTHING,

340. BUT I JUST HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING HERE, OKAY?

341. I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY FAIR!

342. BABE—BABE, STOP WAGGING YOUR FINGER.

343. - CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE LASHING OUT AT ME

344. BUT I AM NOT TRYING TO STOP YOU FROM HAVING FUN.

345. I AM AN EXTREMELY FUN PERSON.

346. - THIS FLOAT REPRESENTS A GROUP

347. OF OVER 300 BUSINESS OWNERS, INDIVIDUALS,

348. AND COMMUNITY LEADERS WHO ARE PROTESTING

349. UNFAIR GOVERNMENT REGULATION.

350. WE ARE THE COMMITTEE TO RECALL LESLIE KNOPE.

351. LET'S KICK HER OUT OF OFFICE.

352. RECALL KNOPE!

353. RECALL KNOPE!

354. RECALL KNOPE!

355. RECALL KNOPE! - LEGALIZE WEED!

356. RECALL KNOPE! RECALL KNOPE!

357. - SO I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING,

358. AND I KINDA WISH JEAN-RALPHIO WASN'T HERE.

359. - PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU'RE DUMPING MY SISTER,

360. BECAUSE I WILL LAUGH— I WILL LAUGH SO MUCH.

361. - ACTUALLY, IT MAY BE THE OPPOSITE.

362. - IS THIS YOURS? - NO, NO.

363. - YEAH. IT'S MINE.

364. I'M PREGNANT. - LEMONY SNICKET.

365. OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

366. I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE? IS THAT A REAL THING?

367. IS THAT GONNA HAPPEN?

368. NO, NO, THAT'S TOO MUCH— TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.

369. I GOTTA—I GOTTA FIND ANOTHER WAY OUT OF THIS.

370. I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR FUTURE.

371. MAYBE I COULD SELL THE BUSINESS,

372. TO PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOUSE OR SOMETHING, OR—

373. - PSYCH! - WHAT?

374. - AH, HA, HA. LOOK AT YOUR STUPID FACE.

375. - YOU HAD A DUMDUM FACE. - THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

376. - SO YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT? THIS ISN'T YOURS?

377. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DIFFERENT PILLS I TAKE,

378. BIRTH CONTROL OR OTHERWISE?

379. THERE IS NO WAY THAT I COULD BE PREGNANT WITH A HUMAN BABY.

380. - THANK GOD. YES!

381. TOMMY HAS HIS LIFE BACK! LET'S GO!

382. - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?

383. THAT'S MY SISTER.

384. NAH! I'M JUST KIDDING, MAN.

385. SHE'S THE WORST. YOU DODGED A BULLET, BABY.

386. CONGRATULATIONS. - THANKS.

387. - BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD.

388. - WELL, MACKLIN, IT'S NOT MONA-LISA.

389. IT'S NOT ME, IT'S NOT DONNA, IT'S NOT LESLIE.

390. THERE WAS ONLY ONE OTHER WOMAN AT THAT CABIN.

391. - APRIL? NO, SHE WOULD'VE TOLD ME.

392. BESIDES, THE MATH DOESN'T ADD UP

393. BECAUSE WE ONLY HAVE SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY.

394. AND SINCE SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT WE HAVEN'T TALKED TO,

395. IT HAS TO BE HERS.

396. OH, MY GOD.

397. - I DON'T LIKE SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.

398. - I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE.

399. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST QUIT.

400. MAYBE WE SHOULD BOTH QUIT,

401. AND WE SHOULD MOVE TO THE BAHAMAS,

402. LIVE ON A BEACH, CATCH FISH WITH HOMEMADE SPEARS.

403. - YEAH, YOU'D LAST ABOUT 30 SECONDS WITH THAT WORK.

404. YOU WOKE ME UP AT 3:00 A.M. TO WATCH MEET THE PRESS.

405. - WELL, IT WAS ELIZABETH WARREN.

406. LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH THAT LIVE?

407. - LOOK, YOU CAN HATE YOUR JOB SOMETIMES.

408. IT'S ALLOWED.

409. DO YOU THINK THIS TOWN IS BETTER OFF

410. THAN IT WAS A YEAR AGO? - YES.

411. - DO YOU STAND BEHIND EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE?

412. - YES. - THEN SCREW 'EM.

413. - BUT EVEN IF I WANTED TO FIGHT THIS RECALL,

414. HOW WOULD I DO IT?

415. THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

416. AS MOST OF YOU PROBABLY KNOW,

417. THERE IS A LARGE COMMITTEE THAT HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS

418. TO RECALL ME FROM OFFICE.

419. MY RESPONSE TO THEM

420. BRING IT ON.

421. STEP UP. THE STREETS.

422. I'M SORRY, MY ADRENALINE IS PUMPING,

423. SO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS DANCE MOVIE TITLES.

424. STOMP THE YARD. THERE'S ONE.

425. LOOK, I WORK VERY HARD FOR THIS TOWN,

426. AND ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME IS WHETHER OR NOT

427. EVERYONE HERE THINKS THAT THEY ARE BETTER OFF NOW

428. THAN THEY WERE A YEAR AGO.

429. IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, THEN GO AHEAD AND RECALL ME.

430. GO CRAZY. YOU GOT SERVED.

431. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK, KIND OF.

432. - THE COMMITTEE SAYS THEY PLAN TO PUSH

433. FOR A RECALL VOTE WITHIN TWO MONTHS.

434. DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT ON THAT? - NOPE.

435. AGAIN, ALL I REALLY CARE ABOUT IS ARE YOU BETTER OFF?

436. - I THINK I'M BETTER OFF.

437. I HAVEN'T HAD A DATE IN A WHILE,

438. BUT I'M LEARNING A LOT ABOUT ME.

439. - WELL, I WASN'T ASKING YOU SPECIFICALLY,

440. BUT I'M HAPPY TO HEAR THAT, SHAUNA.

441. SO, IN CONCLUSION, RECALL, SHMECALL.

442. NO, I CAN'T END MY BIG PRESS CONFERENCE

443. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. BEN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?

444. - THAT CONCLUDES COUNCILWOMAN KNOPE'S PRESS CONFERENCE.

445. AND IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS...

446. HOLD ON TO THEM,

447. BECAUSE SHE HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

448. - THANKS, HONEY. HONEY.

449. THAT'S ANOTHER DANCE MOVIE WITH JESSICA ALBA.

450. VOLUNTEER WEEKEND TASK FORCE, MOBILIZE.

451. - OH, LESLIE, THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING,

452. BUT IF YOU NEED ANY SPEECHES OR TESTIMONIALS

453. OR JUST GENERAL ENTHUSIASM FOR YOUR RECALL FIGHT,

454. I'M YOUR MAN.

455. - THANK YOU, CHRIS. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

456. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE RIVER. OH, OH, OH!

457. LAST ONE TO PICK UP 100 RUSTY CANS

458. HAS STILL ACCOMPLISHED A GREAT DEAL.

459. - HEY, MAYBE AFTER, YOU WANNA COME

460. - SURE. HEY, HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU GUYS?

461. - WE'RE GREAT, ACTUALLY, AND WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

462. SEX IS RIDICULOUS. - MM-HMM.

463. - HOPEFULLY, THAT RIDICULOUS SEX WILL LEAD TO A BABY.

464. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

465. JUST REMEMBER TO USE PROTECTION.

466. WAIT, NO, DON'T. THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

467. OKAY, NO. DO YOUR THING.

468. - YEAH!

469. MY WIFE IS PREGNANT! - OKAY, PUT ME DOWN.

470. - HEY, YOU CAN'T KEEP IT FROM ME.

471. I FOUND THE PREGNANCY TEST, HONEY.

472. - HONEY, I'M NOT PREGNANT, OKAY?

473. AND IF I WERE, YOU SHOULDN'T LIFT ME UP.

474. - WAIT, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT?

475. - YEAH. WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

476. REMEMBER?

477. AND THEN ADOPT A SET OF CREEPY ADULT TWINS FROM ROMANIA.

478. - OH, YEAH. OF COURSE.

479. - ACTUALLY, THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

480. YOU'RE PREGNANT.

481. - NO. - NO!

482. WE JUST RULED THAT OUT.

483. AH, DANG IT. - OKAY, A WHILE AGO,

484. I APPLIED TO VETERINARY SCHOOL IN BLOOMINGTON,

485. AND I JUST FOUND OUT THAT... I GOT IN.

486. - YOU DID? THAT'S AMAZING!

487. WAIT, WHY DID YOU WAIT TO TELL ME?

488. - BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANNA GO, OKAY?

489. I MEAN, YES, IT'S BEEN MY DREAM TO WORK WITH ANIMALS

490. SINCE I WAS A KID AND EVERYTHING.

491. BUT IT WOULD MEAN I WOULD BE SPENDING

492. A LOT OF TIME APART FROM YOU, AND...

493. - OH, WE COULD GET THROUGH THAT.

494. I MEAN, LOOK. IT WOULD SUCK FOR A WHILE,

495. AND I WOULD MISS YOU WHILE YOU'RE GONE.

496. BUT AS I'VE KNOWN ABOUT YOU

497. FOR THE PAST 20 SECONDS,

498. THIS IS YOUR DREAM.

499. - I'M REALLY GLAD I MARRIED YOU.

500. - YEAH, WE MADE A GOOD CALL ON THAT ONE.

501. - SO I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW

502. I WILL NOT BE SELLING RENT-A-SWAG.

503. AND YOU CAN GO TELL YOUR CLIENT

504. HE NOW HAS 100 PROBLEMS?

505. IS IT JAY-Z? - NO.

506. BUT SINCE YOU'RE NOT TAKING THE DEAL,

507. OPENING HIS OWN STORE

508. DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOURS.

509. - ACROSS THE STREET?

510. WHAT KIND OF STORE IS IT GONNA BE?

511. IT'S A HIGH-END SECONDHAND CLOTHING STORE

512. WHERE PARENTS CAN RENT CLOTHES

513. FOR THEIR TEENS, TWEENS, AND PREs,

514. AS WELL AS BABIES, TODDLERS, GROWN-UPS, AND OLDS.

515. - BUT THAT'S MY IDEA AND MY NAME.

516. - SO I GUESS ONLY DOMINO'S IS ALLOWED TO SELL PIZZA NOW?

517. IT'S CALLED CAPITALISM, MR. HAVERFORD,

518. AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET A FREE LESSON.

519. ONLY THIS FREE LESSON IS GOING TO COST YOU.

520. - SO IT'S NOT FREE?

521. - YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT WAS CONFUSING.

522. THIS LESSON WILL COST YOU. GOOD DAY.

523. - THIS SUCKS,

524. IT'S A PRETTY BALLER MOVE.

525. YOU SURE THIS ISN'T DIDDY?

526. - IT IS DIDDY. - I KNEW IT!

527. - IT'S NOT DIDDY.

528. - ARE YOU SURE EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT

529. IF APRIL GOES TO VET SCHOOL?

530. - THERE ARE NO SURE THINGS IN LIFE, SON,

531. BUT YOU TWO SEEM PRETTY SOLID TO ME.

532. - CHANGE IS GOOD, I GUESS. - NOT TO ME.

533. LESLIE'S GOING AROUND ASKING EVERYBODY

534. IF THEY'RE BETTER OFF THAN THEY WERE A YEAR AGO.

535. ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT I'M THE SAME.

536. IF I'M THE SAME AS I WAS A YEAR AGO, I'M HAPPY.

537. - WAIT, I FORGOT.

538. WHO THE HELL IS PREGNANT? - WHAT?

539. - I FOUND A PREGNANCY TEST AT YOUR CABIN,

540. AND I CHECKED WITH ALL THE GIRLS OVER THERE.

541. IT WASN'T ANY OF THEM.

542. - HELLO, DARLING. WHAT A SURPRISE.

543. - HEY. CAN WE TALK?

544. MAYBE IN PRIVATE?