Parks and Recreation 5x19

1. TED! TED! TED! TED!

2. SECTION TWO OF THE PAWNEE CHARTER READS,

3. "BE IT DECREED: SHOULD THE TAXATION OF TEA

4. "RISE TO AN UNACCEPTABLE LEVEL,

5. CITIZENS SHALL DUMP TED INTO RAMSETT LAKE."

6. DOES ANYONE OBJECT?

7. - AS ALWAYS, I OBJECT.

8. - NAY, ENOUGH DITHERING!

9. DUMP THE MISCREANT! BOO!

10. - TODAY IS TED PARTY DAY, WHERE WE COMMEMORATE

11. THE GREAT PAWNEE TEA DUMP OF 1817.

12. HISTORICAL FUN FACT—

13. WHEN THE FOUNDING FATHERS WROTE THE CHARTER,

14. THEIR OLD-TIMEY SCRIPT MADE

15. ONE OF THE "A's LOOK LIKE A "D,"

16. SO "TEA" BECAME "TED."

17. IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS

18. THAT REMINDS US OF PAWNEE'S RICH AND VIBRANT PAST.

19. PLUS, WE GET TO GO FIND A GUY NAMED TED

20. AND THROW HIM IN A LAKE.

21. ONE!

22. - I DON'T EVEN GO BY TED!

23. TWO! - I GO BY THEODORE!

24. THREE! - AAH!

25. - HEY, TED. GREAT JOB TODAY.

26. YOU WERE SO FUNNY

27. WHEN YOU WERE LIKE, "MY CELL PHONE,

28. THEN YOU CHECKED IT, REMEMBER, AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

29. - YEAH, THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

30. LISTEN, I AM JUST HERE TO SAY

31. THAT I AM DONE WITH TED PARTY DAY.

32. - HA! CLASSIC TED. - I'M SERIOUS.

33. I'M NOT GETTING DUMPED IN THAT LAKE ANYMORE.

34. AND I TALKED TO THE OTHER TEDS IN TOWN,

35. AND THEY'RE NOT DOING IT EITHER.

36. - COME ON, TED PARTY DAY IS PROTECTED

37. BY ARTICLE TWO IN THE TOWN CHARTER.

38. AND WE HAVE THE RIGHT, NAY, THE OBLIGATION,

39. TO DUMP TED INTO THE LAKE EVERY YEAR.

40. THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE.

41. - OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,

42. IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO KEEP DOING SOMETHING.

43. SECOND, IT WAS A MISPRINT. THEY CLEARLY MEANT "TEA."

44. - I JUST THINK YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL

45. ABOUT SPECULATING WHAT THE FOUNDERS MEANT

46. WHEN THEY WERE WRITING THE TOWN CHARTER.

47. - OKAY, FINE.

48. YOU WANT TO ENFORCE EVERY SINGLE OLD LAW

49. HEY, CAN I SEE YOUR KEYS FOR A SECOND?

50. HERE'S A QUARTER.

51. I OWN YOUR CAR NOW.

52. - WHA— - SORRY.

53. THE PAWNEE CHARTER CLEARLY STATES THAT ANY WHITE CITIZEN

54. HAS THE RIGHT TO SEIZE ANY INDIAN PROPERTY

55. FOR 25 CENTS.

56. - THAT IS AN OUTDATED AND RACIST LAW.

57. AND OBVIOUSLY THEY MEANT "AMERICAN INDIAN."

58. - WHOA, I THINK WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL

59. WHEN WE SPECULATE WHAT THE FOUNDERS INTENDED

60. WHEN THEY WROTE THE CHARTER.

61. - OKAY, TED. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

62. YOU'RE QUOTING ME BACK TO ME.

63. BUT I'M GONNA QUOTE ME BACK TO YOU AND SAY

64. THAT TED PARTY DAY WILL NEVER CHANGE.

65. YOU, A WOMAN, JUST RAISED YOUR VOICE

66. TO A LANDOWNING MALE.

67. ACCORDING TO A PAWNEE STATUTE PASSED IN 1868,

68. I GET TO DO THIS.

69. - I WAS NOT AWARE OF THAT STATUTE.

70. - RON, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

71. SOME STUPID MANAGEMENT TRAINING LEADERSHIP COURSE.

72. - NOW THAT YOU RUN THE ANIMAL CONTROL DEPARTMENT,

73. YOU HAVE QUALIFIED

74. FOR THE CHRIS TRAEGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING SEMINAR

75. OR "KA-TUMTS."

76. IT'S NOT A GREAT ACRONYM, BUT IT IS A GREAT SEMINAR.

77. - CAN YOU GET ME OUT OF IT?

78. - YES.

79. NORMALLY, IF GIVEN A CHOICE

80. BETWEEN DOING SOMETHING AND NOTHING,

81. I'D CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING.

82. BUT I WILL DO SOMETHING

83. IF IT HELPS SOMEONE ELSE DO NOTHING.

84. I'D WORK ALL NIGHT

85. IF IT MEANT NOTHING GOT DONE.

86. - RON SWANSON AND APRIL LUDGATE,

87. LITERALLY MY TWO FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE CATALOGUED UNIVERSE.

88. - APRIL WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING

89. IN YOUR POINTLESS COURSE

90. BECAUSE SHE HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO

91. LIKE NOT PARTICIPATING IN YOUR POINTLESS COURSE.

92. - I JUST WANT APRIL TO BECOME AS GREAT

93. A DEPARTMENT HEAD AS YOURSELF.

94. - WHICH IS WHY THIS IS POINTLESS.

95. I'VE BEEN HEAD OF THE PARKS DEPARTMENT FOR 12 YEARS,

96. AND I NEVER HAD ANY "MANAGEMENT TRAINING" COURSE.

97. - RON, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN "KA-TUMTSED?"

98. I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED

99. TO KA-TUMTS EVERY DEPARTMENT HEAD.

100. OTHERWISE, WE ARE OPEN TO ALL KINDS OF LIABILITY.

101. - WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

102. - I'M SAYING THAT TOMORROW DURING THE SEMINAR,

103. APRIL IS GOING TO HAVE A CLASSMATE.

104. AND SPOILER ALERT—

105. - IT'S ALF. - IT'S YOU.

106. - THIS WENT POORLY.

107. - WHAT, NO. DAMN IT!

108. - WHAT ARE YOU BIDDING ON?

109. IT BETTER NOT BE TERRENCE HOWARD'S TANK TOP

110. FROM HUSTLE & FLOW.

111. - IT IS NOT. - GOOD.

112. 'CAUSE I AM BIDDING ON IT

113. THAT MY ACCOUNTANT CALLS "DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE."

114. - JJ'S DINER PUT AN OLD WAFFLE IRON UP FOR AUCTION.

115. IT'S THE PERFECT BREAKFAST DAY GIFT FOR LESLIE.

116. - "BREAKFAST DAY"?

117. - LESLIE HAS ANNIVERSARIES FOR EVERYTHING.

118. "ZOO DAY," FIRST TIME WE WENT TO THE ZOO TOGETHER.

119. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE WENT ON A DOUBLE DATE.

120. "DANIEL DAY-LEWIS DAY.

121. "TALK-LIKE-A-PIRATE DAY.

122. TALK-LIKE-A-PITTSBURGH-PIRATE DAY,"

123. WHICH WHY AND HOW?

124. THIS CALENDAR WAS LAST YEAR'S CALENDAR DAY PRESENT

125. CELEBRATING THE FIRST TIME

126. SHE EVER BOUGHT ME A CALENDAR.

127. - YOU HAVE TO BUY A PRESENT FOR EVERY ONE OF THESE?

128. - SHE ALWAYS TELLS ME NOT TO, BUT THEN SHE BUYS ME SOMETHING

129. THAT'S AWESOME AND THOUGHTFUL, AND THEN I FEEL TERRIBLE.

130. BUT THAT'S THE THING. THIS IS THE PERFECT PRESENT.

131. I JUST KEEP GETTING OUTBID BY SOMEONE NAMED

132. "TALL TIE-REE-ON LANNISTER."

133. WHAT KIND OF NAME IS TIE-REE-ON ANYWAY?

134. - YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? TYRION LANNISTER?

135. LORD OF CASTERLY ROCK? THE HALF-MAN?

136. YOU DON'T WATCH GAME OF THRONES?

137. - NO. YOU DO? - HELL YEAH.

138. HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE DOTHRAKI DUDES?

139. THEY CAN GET IT.

140. EVERYBODY ON THAT SHOW CAN GET IT.

141. - I THINK I KNOW WHO I'M BIDDING AGAINST.

142. - I NOW REALIZE THAT I WAS WRONG,

143. AND IT'S TIME THAT WE PURGED THE BOOKS

144. OF MANY OF OUR TOWN'S OUTDATED AND OBSCURE LAWS.

145. THE BILL THAT I HAVE WRITTEN

146. WITH THE FULL SUPPORT OF THE CITY COUNCIL

147. WILL REPEAL 110 OBSOLETE LAWS

148. SUCH AS ALL MENSTRUATING WOMEN SHALL BE CONFINED

149. TO THEIR BATHTUBS

150. AND ARTICLE TWO, AKA, TED PARTY DAY.

151. THE FLOOR IS NOW OPEN FOR PUBLIC COMMENTS.

152. OH, HERE WE GO.

153. - THANK YOU. MY NAME IS GARTH BLUNDIN,

154. AND I OBJECT TO YOUR RIDICULOUS PROPOSAL.

155. THE PAWNEE CHARTER SHALL NOT BE CHANGED.

156. NOT TODAY, NOT EVER!

157. - WOW, A LOT OF PASSION, MR. BLUNDIN.

158. YOUR OBJECTION IS NOTED AND OFFICIALLY IN THE RECORD.

159. SHALL WE PROCEED TO A VOTE? - NO. NO, WE SHALL NOT.

160. ARTICLE SEVEN, SECTION THREE ALLOWS

161. FOR A "CITIZEN FILIBUSTER."

162. IF I STAND HERE AND REFUSE TO YIELD MY TIME,

163. YOU ARE PROHIBITED FROM VOTING ON THE BILL.

164. - THAT SECTION DEFINES "BUFFALO MEAT"

165. AS ACCEPTABLE CURRENCY.

166. - IS THAT THE BUFFALO MEAT ONE? - MM-HMM.

167. - I MEANT ARTICLE THREE, SECTION SEVEN.

168. LET THE FILIBUSTERING BEGIN.

169. I WOULD NOW LIKE TO SHARE

170. SOME IDEAS I HAVE FOR J.J. ABRAMS' SEVENTH CHAPTER

171. IN THE STAR WARS' SAGA.

172. PAN DOWN FROM THE TWIN SUNS OF TATOOINE.

173. WE ARE NOW CLOSE ON THE MOUTH OF THE SARLACC PIT.

174. THE GLOVED MANDALORIAN ARMOR GAUNTLET OF BOBA FETT

175. GRABS ONTO THE SAND OUTSIDE OF THE SARLACC PIT

176. AND THE FEARED BOUNTY HUNTER PULLS HIMSELF

177. FROM THE MAW OF THE SAND BEAST.

178. - UGH, HE'S RIGHT. HE CAN DO THIS.

179. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED TO MODERNIZE THESE LAWS.

180. THIS KIND OF THING MADE SENSE WHEN WE HAD COUNCIL IN A BARN

181. AND THERE WERE 80 PEOPLE IN THE TOWN,

182. BUT NOW THIS IS NUTS.

183. - IF HE HOLDS THE REALITY GEM,

184. THAT MEANS HE CAN JUMP FROM DIFFERENT REALITIES.

185. THIS WILL BE OUR LINK

186. TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE FROM THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE.

187. 'CAUSE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN. AFTER A BEAT, LUKE SAYS,

188. "DARTH VADER WAS MY FATHER, BUT BEN KENOBI WAS MY MASTER."

189. AND HE CUTS HANNIBAL LECTER IN HALF.

190. - MR. BLUNDIN,

191. LOOK, THE LAWS I'M TRYING TO GET RID OF

192. HAVE NO MORE RELEVANCE IN MODERN SOCIETY

193. REPEALING THEM WOULD SHOW THAT WE'RE CHANGING WITH THE TIMES.

194. - YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE THE CHARTER WILLY-NILLY.

195. YOU START BY CASUALLY REPEALING A COUPLE OF "OLD LAWS,"

196. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOUR JACK-BOOTED STORM TROOPERS

197. ARE KICKING IN MY DOOR AND ARRESTING MY WIFE

198. FOR NO REASON IF I WERE MARRIED.

199. DO YOU MEAN THE PAWNEE POLICE DEPARTMENT?

200. HEY, CLYDE. - HI, LESLIE.

201. - THE PAWNEE CHARTER IS NOT A "LIVING DOCUMENT," MS. KNOPE.

202. YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE TRADITIONS OF THIS TOWN.

203. - I ABSOLUTELY DO.

204. I USED TO GIVE TOURS AT THE PAWNEE HISTORICAL HOUSE.

205. THREE TIMES, "EMPLOYEE OF THE FORTNIGHT."

206. - OH, BIG DEAL, YOU PUT ON A COSTUME FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

207. BY THAT LOGIC, EVERY TIME I GO TO BED AT NIGHT,

208. I AM WOLVERINE.

209. - YOU BOUGHT X-MEN PAJAMAS?

210. - I WON THEM, MADAM, IN A RAFFLE.

211. - THE POINT IS IS THAT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS

212. WERE BRILLIANT AND THEY WERE COURAGEOUS,

213. BUT THEY ALSO HAD WOODEN TEETH

214. AND POOPED IN HOLES IN THE GROUND.

215. IT WAS A MORE PRIMITIVE TIME.

216. - IT WAS A BETTER TIME.

217. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED TWO WEEKS IN THEIR DAY.

218. - OH, REALLY? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE WAGER?

219. HOW ABOUT YOU AND I GO LIVE IN THAT HISTORICAL HOUSE,

220. NO MODERN TECHNOLOGY, 1817 RULES.

221. IF YOU LAST LONGER, I WITHDRAW MY BILL.

222. I WIN, YOU STOP THIS NONSENSE.

223. YOU HAVE YOURSELF A DEAL.

224. WHAT YOU HOPE TO GAIN FROM THE SEMINAR,

225. SEAL IT IN THE ENVELOPE,

226. AND THEN WE'LL OPEN IT WHEN IT'S OVER.

227. - WHEN IS THIS OVER?

228. - AS SOON AS YOU LEARN TO EMBRACE

229. THE POWER OF POSITIVE MOTIVATION.

230. IT'S A NINE-HOUR SEMINAR OVER TWO DAYS.

231. - WHOA! - OH, GOOD.

232. HOP ON BOARD THE MANAGEMENT TRAIN.

233. FIRST STOP— MOTIVATION STATION.

234. ALL ABOARD!

235. - STOP BIDDING ON MY WAFFLE IRON.

236. - YOU'RE FUTUREMRSTIGERWOODS?

237. - I MADE THAT PROFILE, LIKE, TEN YEARS AGO.

238. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.

239. THE POINT IS I'M GETTING THAT WAFFLE IRON

240. FOR LESLIE FOR BREAKFAST DAY.

241. - UH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

242. I'M GETTING IT FOR HER FOR WAFFLE DAY.

243. WAIT, YOU HAVE A BREAKFAST DAY TOO?

244. MINE'S IN JUNE. - PLEASE, BEN.

245. THIS IS THE CELEBRATION OF THE ANNIVERSARY

246. WHICH SHE CONSIDERS THE BEGINNING OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

247. - WELL, IMAGINE BEING MARRIED TO HER.

248. IT'S LIKE BEING SMOTHERED WITH A HAND-QUILTED PILLOW

249. FILLED WITH CHERISHED MEMORIES.

250. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT

251. HOW THOUGHTFUL MY WIFE IS.

252. SORRY, HONEY. I LOVE YOU.

253. - LOOK, I HAVE KNOWN HER FOR LONGER,

254. I HAVE FIVE YEARS' WORTH OF ANNIVERSARIES,

255. SO I HAVE SENIORITY.

256. - OH, GOD. OH, NO.

257. WE'VE LOST THE AUCTION. - WHAT—NO.

258. - SOMEBODY SWOOPED IN AT THE LAST SECOND,

259. AND NOW WE'RE BOTH SCREWED. - NO.

260. OKAY, TYRION LANNISTER, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CAST A SPELL

261. AND GET US THE WAFFLE IRON BACK?

262. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO TELL YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE.

263. ACTUALLY, IT'S GONNA BUG ME IF I DON'T.

264. THE LANNISTERS, WHILE VERY WEALTHY,

265. DO NOT POSSESS THE MAGICAL ABILITIES

266. OF, SAY, THE WARLOCKS OF QARTH FOR EXAMPLE.

267. - THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HANG OUT.

268. - THINK OF YOURSELVES AS ENGINEERS

269. STEERING A LOCOMOTIVE OF POSITIVITY

270. - FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON'T "STEER" A LOCOMOTIVE.

271. THE TRACKS DO.

272. SECOND, THERE ARE ONLY THREE WAYS

273. TO MOTIVATE PEOPLE— MONEY, FEAR, AND HUNGER.

274. WHAT ABOUT ENCOURAGEMENT, APPRECIATION,

275. AND SMILES.

276. THEY WILL LITERALLY EXPLODE WITH PRODUCTIVITY.

277. - CAN YOU GUYS JUST FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY IS BETTER

278. AND TELL ME SO WE CAN LEAVE?

279. BUT THE KA-TUMTS REQUIRES THAT WE FOLLOW

280. A VERY SPECIFIC SYLLABUS.

281. - YOU'RE NOT BEING VERY INCLUSIVE, CHRIS.

282. I FEEL LIKE MY INPUT ISN'T BEING APPRECIATED.

283. YOU'VE KILLED MY SPIRIT.

284. MY SPIRIT BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS.

285. - MY GOD, I'VE TAUGHT YOU SO MUCH ALREADY.

286. RON, I PROPOSE A CHALLENGE

287. TO SEE WHOSE MOTIVATIONAL METHODS

288. ARE MORE EFFECTIVE.

289. - CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

290. - I DON'T WANT TO SEEM OVERDRAMATIC,

291. BUT THIS IS LITERALLY A BATTLE FOR APRIL'S SOUL.

292. - I DON'T WANT TO SEEM OVERDRAMATIC,

293. BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE WHAT HAPPENS HERE.

294. - OH, GOD.

295. I HATE THIS PLACE.

296. - EVERYTHING IS OLD. OLD THINGS ARE DUMB.

297. IT'S LIKE, JUST BE NEW.

298. I THINK THERE'S SOME PRETTY COOL THINGS FROM BACK THEN.

299. - THAT IS A DOPE BONNET.

300. - OH, JUST GETTING HERE, I SEE.

301. - YIKES. DID YOU SLEEP HERE LAST NIGHT?

302. - INDEED. I WANT TO BE HERE WHEN THE COCK CROWS

303. TO GET THE CHORES DONE.

304. ALREADY, I'VE DONE THE PRESERVES

305. AND CHASED OFF AN INTERLOPING CABLE INSTALLER.

306. - OKAY, WELL, LET'S PUT ALL MODERN DEVICES IN THIS PAIL.

307. NOTHING CAN BE USED THAT WAS INVENTED PAST 1817.

308. ANDY, TOM, YOU WILL BE OUR REFEREES.

309. THANK YOU FOR VOLUNTEERING.

310. I HAD MUCH BETTER THINGS TO DO.

311. LESLIE SAID SHE'D PAY ME 100 BUCKS.

312. - AND I HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

313. I'M DOING IT FOR FREE.

314. - THERE'S NO WAY I'M LOSING THIS CONTEST.

315. OLD-TIMEY DRESS? CHECK.

316. EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT EARLY PRAIRIE LIFE?

317. RIGHT HERE.

318. RICKETS? CURED.

319. DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT RICKETS.

320. ANTIPERSPIRANT? NOT ALLOWED.

321. MIGHT GET A LITTLE ROUGH IN THERE.

322. - I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT.

323. - SAY NO MORE.

324. HERE'S A BUNCH OF GUNS.

325. - NOPE.

326. DIFFERENT THING.

327. I SAW THAT YOU RECENTLY WON

328. AN AUCTION FOR THE JJ'S DINER WAFFLE IRON.

329. AND I'D LIKE TO— THAT'S IT RIGHT THERE.

330. I'D LIKE TO BUY IT. - YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE.

331. - HELLO, BEN.

332. SEEMS LIKE I LOVE LESLIE MORE THAN YOU DO.

333. GET IN LINE. - YEAH.

334. GET IN LINE, PAL.

335. - WHO ARE YOU? - I'M ROZ.

336. I'M LESLIE'S MAILWOMAN, AND I NEED TO GET HER

337. A MAIL DAY PRESENT BY NEXT WEDNESDAY.

338. IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST—

339. TIME YOU DELIVERED HER MAIL. YEAH, WE GET IT.

340. AN OLD-FASHIONED PAWNSHOP WAFFLE IRON BIDDING WAR.

341. LET'S START THE BIDDING AT $650,00.

342. - OKAY, I'LL COUNTER WITH 100 BUCKS.

343. - 200.

344. - I'LL LET YOU TAKE ANYTHING

345. OUT OF THIS BAG. - I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, ANN.

346. I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU IF YOU GO

347. ON A DATE WITH ME. - OH, GOD.

348. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO DO THIS, BUT FINE.

349. ONE DATE. BUT LET ME MAKE ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR—

350. - 500 BUCKS. - SOLD.

351. - WHAT? - YOU STILL WANT TO GO OUT?

352. I JUST COME INTO SOME MONEY. $500 BUYS A LOT OF NITROUS.

353. - YEAH, NOTHING WARMS THE BLOOD

354. LIKE AN OLD WHIRLY-BOUT WITH THE OLD BUTTER-GYRE,

355. EH, LESLIE? - INDEED.

356. MAN, THIS GUY'S TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT.

357. - I DON'T KNOW HOW EITHER OF YOU GUYS ARE DOING THIS.

358. ONE TIME MY REFRIGERATOR STOPPED WORKING,

359. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I JUST MOVED.

360. - I JUST DON'T THINK HE'S EVER GONNA QUIT.

361. HE HAS THAT LOOK IN HIS EYE

362. THAT BEN GETS WHEN HE PLAYS RISK.

363. - OH, WOW. THAT IS REALLY GOOD.

364. - ANDY. - NO, I'M SORRY.

365. THIS TASTES GREAT.

366. ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS HAVE BUTTER ON 'EM.

367. PANCAKES, TOAST, POPCORN, GRAPES.

368. BUTTER IS MY FAVORITE FOOD.

369. - WELL, THEN YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHAT I'M CHURNING UP.

370. OH, MY GOD. THIS IS HORRIFYING.

371. NOBODY EAT THAT.

372. I THINK I'M IN OVER MY HEAD.

373. GARTH REALLY KNOWS HIS STUFF.

374. HE PLANTED AN ENTIRE FIELD OF BARLEY.

375. HOW LONG IS HE PLANNING ON STAYING HERE?

376. - HEY, UM, AREN'T WE HUSBAND AND WIFE IN THIS SCENARIO?

377. I MEAN, LIKE, SHOULDN'T YOU— - NOT A CHANCE.

378. - OKAY.

379. - WAIT, WHAT'S THAT?

380. DO YOU GUYS FEEL THAT?

381. AAH!

382. HOW LONG WAS THAT UNDER THERE?

383. - MAN, GARTH IS A MACHINE.

384. HE BROUGHT HIS OWN WHALE BLUBBER TO LIGHT THE LAMPS.

385. - I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA LAST AN HOUR MAX.

386. IT'S LIKE HE'S GETTING STRONGER THE LONGER HE STAYS HERE.

387. - WHEE! LOOK AT MY HOOP, LESLIE.

388. LOOK AT MY HOOP!

389. - UGH! WHO COULD LIVE LIKE THIS?

390. - NO ONE. THAT'S WHY WE'VE MOVED ON.

391. LIKE, A SCHOOL FIELD TRIP OR SOMETHING.

392. IT'S SO, SO, SO FUN. - SO, SO FUN.

393. - BUT TO LIVE LIKE THIS IS INSANE.

394. HE MUST HAVE CHEATED SOMEHOW.

395. I MEAN, THERE'S NO WAY A MAN WHO'S INTO X-MEN THAT MUCH

396. CAN STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET THAT LONG.

397. WE SHOULD CHECK HIS PHONE.

398. - JERRY GERGICH.

399. I NEED YOU TO STOP WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING

400. AND FILE AS MANY OF THESE AS YOU CAN.

401. - WOW, DURAFLEX CUT-TOP A350s IN DEEP MAROON?

402. THE HONOR IS ALL MINE.

403. - WELL, I KNEW YOU WERE THE MAN FOR THE JOB.

404. YOU ARE SMART AND CAPABLE.

405. AND I BELIEVE YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.

406. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

407. - YOU GOT IT, CHAMP. GET FILING.

408. AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.

409. - THAT IS ONE MOTIVATED WORKER BEE.

410. - YOU GUYS DOING EXPERIMENTS ON JERRY?

411. YES.

412. - COOL.

413. - GOT IT.

414. - OKAY, NOW LET'S NOT READ ANYTHING.

415. THAT'S AN INVASION OF HIS PRIVACY.

416. LET'S JUST LOOK AT HIS BROWSER HISTORY

417. AND HIS INBOX AND HIS OUTBOX AND HIS FACEBOOK PAGE.

418. - YEAH, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY NEW EMAILS.

419. - OH, MY GOD. IT'S TRUE.

420. HE HASN'T GOTTEN AN EMAIL IN...

421. 12 DAYS!

422. IS HE A GHOST?

423. THE ONLY ONES HE GETS ARE SPAM.

424. AND HE RESPONDS TO THEM.

425. I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

426. - OH, MAN. THIS GUY HAS NO FRIENDS.

427. - I DON'T KNOW. SEEMS LIKE HE'S FRIENDS WITH THAT MULE.

428. - WHAT'S THAT?

429. - WELL, SINCE I CAN'T GIVE HER

430. A WAFFLE IRON FOR BREAKFAST DAY,

431. I AM MAKING HER A MINIATURE LESLIE

432. OUT OF BREAKFAST FOOD. - GOOD LORD.

433. WELL, LISTEN, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

434. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING IN

435. ON THE WAFFLE IRON TOGETHER? - SERIOUSLY?

436. THAT WOULD BE GREAT,

437. BUT WHOSE HOLIDAY ARE WE CELEBRATING?

438. - WELL, I THINK I MAY HAVE A PLAN

439. THAT'LL GET US OUT OF BREAKFAST DAY AND WAFFLE DAY

440. AND ALL THE OTHER DAYS WITHOUT MAKING US

441. SEEM LIKE UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE WHO ARE ANNOYED

442. AT HOW AMAZING LESLIE IS.

443. - DUDE, WHATEVER IT IS, I'M IN.

444. - OKAY, GREAT. - WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS?

445. - JUST BURN IT AND BURY THE ASHES

446. AND PRAY IT DOESN'T HAUNT YOU.

447. - JERRY,

448. STOP FILING THOSE RED FOLDERS AT ONCE.

449. BEGIN FILING THESE BLUE ONES.

450. - OH. SORRY, RON. I PROMISED CHRIS THAT—

451. - THIS IS THE TOP PRIORITY.

452. I NEED THESE BLUE FOLDERS DONE NOW.

453. YOU CAN EAT WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED.

454. FILE!

455. - OH, MY GOODNESS.

456. - MONEY, FEAR, HUNGER.

457. - HEY, THERE, GARTH. WHATCHA WHITTLING?

458. - A BIRTHING STICK.

459. - YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. - OH, MY GOD.

460. - YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

461. I MEAN, YOU CHANGED CLOTHES.

462. VIOLATION. I-I CHALLENGE

463. YOU ARE BONNETLESS! - YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

464. I ADMIT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. YOU WIN.

465. - HUZZAH! THE DAY IS MINE.

466. I'M GONNA MISS SAYING "HUZZAH." - YEAH.

467. GARTH, I HAVE ANOTHER PROPOSITION.

468. - YES, I WILL GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU,

469. BUT I REALIZE YOU'RE A MODERN WOMAN,

470. SO I WILL LET YOU PAY.

471. - NO.

472. I WAS WONDERING WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN

473. THE PAWNEE HISTORICAL COMMISSION?

474. - THOSE CLOWNS? NO THANK YOU.

475. THEY HAVEN'T ANSWERED A SINGLE ONE OF MY COMPLAINTS

476. ABOUT THEIR ANACHRONISTIC USE OF FONTS IN THEIR NEWSLETTER.

477. BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THERE'S TONS OF MEETINGS,

478. LOTS OF WORK WITH PEOPLE WHO ALSO LOVE HISTORY,

479. AND MANY SOCIAL OCCASIONS THAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ATTEND,

480. LIKE COCKTAIL PARTIES AND SUCH.

481. I CAN UNDERSTAND IF IT'S SOMETHING

482. - JUST SOUNDS LIKE SUCH A BIG BITE

483. OUT OF MY SOAP-MAKING TIME.

484. MY COUSIN'S ARRAIGNMENT IS IN MAY.

485. I JUST FLY OUT, I COME BACK THE SAME DAY.

486. ON A TRIAL BASIS, YES.

487. YES, YES.

488. - GREAT. WELCOME TO THE TEAM.

489. GARTH DROPPED HIS PROTEST,

490. ALL THE OUTDATED LAWS IN THE TOWN CHARTER.

491. I MEAN, THE CHARTER IS A WONDERFUL DOCUMENT,

492. BUT WE'VE HAD THE BENEFIT OF ALMOST 200 YEARS

493. OF LEARNING AND ADVANCING.

494. SEEMS TO ME WE OUGHT TO USE IT.

495. I DID NOT CHANGE ARTICLE TWO, THOUGH.

496. I JUST COULDN'T VOTE

497. AGAINST A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED LAKE DUNKING.

498. THOUGH GARTH AND I DID COME UP WITH A COMPROMISE

499. THAT I THINK WILL MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY.

500. FROM THIS YEAR HENCE,

501. A VOLUNTEER WILL REPRESENT TED

502. IN OUR TOWN'S MOST HISTORIC AND CHERISHED TRADITION.

503. THIS YEAR, THE HONOR GOES TO MR. GARTH BLUNDIN!

504. - HUZZAH, I'M TED! I'M TED!

505. - I'M TED TOO, GUYS.

506. - ANDY! - YEAH!

507. - HE'S NAKED, EVERYBODY! PUT THAT AWAY!

508. - WE'RE ALL TED! YEAH! - NO, ANDY!

509. - WHOO!

510. - THANK GOD. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM.

511. - OKAY, FINAL TALLY. JERRY FILED 268 RED FILES...

512. - YES.

513. - AND 384 BLUE FILES.

514. - YES. - WAIT A MINUTE.

515. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

516. THAT HE SPENT 20 MINUTES ON THE PHONE

517. - AND THE PROSECUTION RESTS. - NOT SO FAST.

518. HE MAY HAVE FILED MORE BLUE ONES,

519. BUT THEY'RE ALMOST ALL FILED WRONG.

520. NOT SURPRISING SINCE HE WAS A MESS

521. AFTER YOU TALKED TO HIM.

522. - ANOTHER FASCINATING EDITION OF "KA-TUMTS."

523. WE MAY NEVER KNOW CONCLUSIVELY WHICH WAY WORKS BETTER.

524. BUT I DO KNOW THIS—

525. WHEN WE FIRST STARTED THE SEMINAR,

526. I HOPED TO BE ABLE TO ENGAGE YOU IN THE PROCESS.

527. AND BY THAT MEASURE I SUCCEEDED.

528. - AND I PREDICTED THAT I WOULD LEARN NOTHING

529. FROM THIS PROCESS.

530. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

531. - WHAT DID APRIL WRITE?

532. WHERE IS APRIL?

533. - "I WILL PIT RON AND CHRIS AGAINST EACH OTHER.

534. THEY'LL ARGUE ABOUT DUMB STUFF

535. THAT DOESN'T MATTER, AND I WILL BAIL.

536. THEN I'LL STEAL $20 FROM CHRIS'S WALLET

537. AND BUY PIZZA WITH ANDY.

538. OH, AND I'LL ALSO STEAL RON'S WATCH, JUST FOR FUN.

539. - I THINK APRIL WILL BE A FINE MANAGER.

540. - I AGREE.

541. - IT'S MY FAVORITE KIND OF BATTLE—

542. TWO MEN ENTER, ONE ME LEAVES.

543. - HAPPY WAFFLE DAY. - HAPPY BREAKFAST DAY.

544. - OH, MY GOD!

545. YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE BEST

546. BREAKFAST DAY/WAFFLE DAY JOINT PRESENT

547. I HAVE EVER RECEIVED.

548. WOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

549. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

550. BUT ANN AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU

551. THAT THIS IS THE LAST BREAKFAST DAY AND WAFFLE DAY

552. WE'LL BE CELEBRATING.

553. - WAIT, WHAT?

554. OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE BOTH DYING.

555. - NO, NO. WE JUST CAN'T KEEP UP WITH ALL THE ANNIVERSARIES.

556. IT'S TOO MUCH, ESPECIALLY 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THEM.

557. THAT'S RIDICULOUS, I'M SO MUCH BETTER. POINT TAKEN.

558. - BUT WE HAVE A COMPROMISE.

559. EVERY YEAR, THERE WILL BE ONE DAY, "ANN DAY,"

560. WHERE YOU CAN CELEBRATE ALL OF ANN'S HOLIDAYS

561. AND "BEN DAY" WHERE WE CAN CELEBRATE ALL OF OURS.

562. - WHAT ABOUT ANN MONTH AND BEN MONTH?

563. - HOW ABOUT A WEEK?

564. - FINE.

565. - WE WENT IN WITH A DAY,

566. FIGURING SHE'D COUNTER WITH A MONTH.

567. - WE WERE FINE WITH A WEEK.

568. - YEAH. - YEAH.

569. - BUT THERE WILL BE A THIRD WEEK.

570. IT WILL BE CALLED FRIEND WEEK.

571. IT WILL BE COMMEMORATING THIS WEEK,

572. THE WEEK THAT MY TWO BEST FRIENDS

573. I HAVE A FRIEND WEEK PRESENT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

574. HERE YOU GO.

575. - HOW DID YOU ALREADY HAVE THESE?

576. THANK YOU. - THANKS.