Parks and Recreation 4x9

1. April! Listen, I was trying to buy

2. this hand-crafted mahogany wood model

3. of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft.

4. Aw, for me? Don't sass me.

5. And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said,

6. "Hey, Ron Swanson. Check out this great offer."

7. What's your question? My question is, what the hell?

8. Like, how did they know who you are?

9. Yeah.

10. Okay. There are these things called cookies.

11. Where, like, if you go to a site

12. and buy something, it will remember you

13. and then create ads for other stuff you might want to buy.

14. So, it learns information about me?

15. Seems like an invasion of privacy.

16. Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.

17. The point is, Ben and I have been dating on and off for about a year.

18. I am, of course, shocked.

19. And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes.

20. We're very sorry for the position this puts you in.

21. What's happening? Are you hugging me or are we fighting?

22. Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know.

23. Neither of those things.

24. I love both of you.

25. You are exemplary government employees.

26. Exemplary. That's the word we were thinking of.

27. Well, it's true. Isn't it?

28. Which makes what I am about to say even sadder.

29. Then don't say it.

30. I am launching a full investigation

31. into the extent of your wrongdoing.

32. Please report Monday first thing to the Council Chambers

33. for your ethics trial and subsequent punishment.

34. I told you we'd feel better.

35. Hey. It's 6:30 in the morning.

36. Your hearing doesn't start for another two hours.

37. Well, I wanted to get here early.

38. You know, get a feel of the room.

39. So, you got here.. . At 3:00 a.m. I couldn't sleep, anyway.

40. Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here.

41. An absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible.

42. You have a present for me?

43. Yeah. What do you think?

44. Li'l Sebastian.

45. Yeah, I had it made for you at the toy store.

46. Oh, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful.

47. You're welcome. I was talking to him.

48. Of course. But also, to you.

49. Thanks.

50. I wish we could go through this together.

51. Look, it's going to be okay.

52. You're just going to get a slap on the wrist. Maybe a brief suspension.

53. That's not okay.

54. That's going to go on my permanent record.

55. I'm not the kind of person that has a permanent record.

56. For me, a slap on the wrist is, like, a kick to the nuts.

57. I know it is.

58. What's going to happen to you?

59. Oh, don't worry about me.

60. Well, look. I'll be outside all day,

61. right on the other side of that wall.

62. So, if you miss me, you just look

63. at this wrinkled, hideous monster.

64. And you'll know I'm sitting there, rooting for you.

65. Okay? Okay.

66. All right.

67. Go. Okay.

68. Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee's greatest lawyer

69. at the turn of the century.

70. His nickname was "Old Stone Face"

71. because of his steely demeanor.

72. And because he got in an accident at the rock quarry

73. and dynamite blew up his face.

74. Leslie Knope. Good morning. It's snowing outside.

75. Isn't that great?

76. You seem like you're in a good mood.

77. Actually, I am quite miserable.

78. I admire and respect you,

79. and dragging you through an ethics trial is filling me with sadness.

80. I have never felt so low.

81. Well, you're radiating pure joy.

82. I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots.

83. And then, I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort.

84. And my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste,

85. rubbed it around my gums.

86. And now, my mouth feels like a spaceship.

87. This is stressful.

88. And stress leads to depression.

89. And if I don't maintain an extremely high dosage of herbal remedies,

90. I will get very depressed.

91. Oh, God. It's happening right now.

92. We are here today to determine whether Leslie Knope

93. violated any municipal rules or laws

94. due to her romantic relationship with her superior, Ben Wyatt,

95. whose hearing will be held tomorrow.

96. Would you like to make a statement at this time?

97. Yes. I freely admit to the relationship.

98. And I will not be fighting the charges that we violated Chris' rule.

99. But we did nothing else wrong or unethical.

100. In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindell exposed her elbow outdoors,

101. which was a Class A felony.

102. Although she felt the law unjust,

103. she acknowledged that she had broken it.

104. And she nobly accepted her punishment.

105. To be set adrift on Lake Michigan, like a human Popsicle.

106. Look how calm she looks. That's how I feel.

107. Totally Zen.

108. Ms. Knope, on what day did your relationship with Ben Wyatt begin?

109. Last May, at your request,

110. Ben and I drove to Indianapolis

111. to bid for the state little league tournament.

112. The night we returned

113. was the first time we kissed each other on each other's mouths.

114. It was excellent.

115. That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry. I'm nervous.

116. Next question.

117. Did you ever receive special treatment

118. as a result of your relationship with Ben Wyatt?

119. I received adorable nicknames and amazing back rubs.

120. Oh, you mean professionally. No.

121. And did you break any local, state, or federal law

122. in an effort to cover up your relationship with Ben Wyatt?

123. Absolutely not.

124. Thank you. Ms. Knope, that is all.

125. Mr. Traeger, this says you're going to be calling 14 witnesses.

126. Is that correct?

127. Uh, yes, sir.

128. Fourteen? Why so many?

129. I've already admitted that I broke your rule.

130. It's not my rule, Leslie.

131. It is an important rule that exists in every government.

132. Romantic relationships between superiors and their employees

133. lead to fraud, corruption and a misuse of public funds.

134. And you think I'm guilty of that?

135. I think that you began your relationship with Ben Wyatt

136. earlier than you are saying.

137. I believe that you certainly received special treatment.

138. And I think that you may even be guilty of bribery.

139. None of those things are true. And I will prove it, Mr. Traeger.

140. Okay. Ten-minute break, please.

141. Here you go, boss.

142. Okay. Guys?

143. We need to counter every charge

144. that Chris has leveled against me.

145. Andy, I need evidence. Got it.

146. Wait. You don't know what evidence.

147. Ah, right on. Yes. Hit me.

148. Next to my desk is a picture of a female politician, Bella Abzug.

149. Get the key that's taped on the back of that picture.

150. It opens up my bottom desk drawer.

151. In there are some files.. . Pay attention. Where are you looking?

152. Look here. Focus here.

153. Get the files in the drawer

154. and then get all of the file boxes in the office.

155. Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. No.

156. Okay. I'll go with him. Thank you.

157. Ron, Chris has 14 witnesses.

158. I need you to talk to all the department heads

159. and find out who's going to testify.

160. I don't know the names of the other department heads.

161. I'll go with him. Seriously, with the men in this office?

162. Ann, I need you to text me every 30 seconds

163. that everything is going to be okay.

164. Okay.

165. Thanks, Ann.

166. I broke one rule, and I will accept a slap on the wrist.

167. But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed,

168. you go down in history as a frozen whore.

169. I am fighting.

170. Hey. I got my computer. I'm all set.

171. Great. You're up next.

172. How is Ben? Is he sad?

173. You need to cheer him up, Ann.

174. Ben is fine. He says he's sorry he's not in here.

175. He said to look at the monster.

176. I'm hoping you know what that means.

177. There's a rumor going around that Chris has a killer witness.

178. How? Why? That makes no sense.

179. There's no killer witness because we didn't do anything wrong.

180. Unless someone is planning to lie or slander us.

181. Okay, just to be safe, find out who it is and silence him.

182. With pleasure.

183. Wait. Let me make it clear.

184. Don't silence him. Just make sure he can't talk.

185. Okay, we're back. Clear this chamber, please.

186. Ms. Perkins, Chris Traeger has questioned

187. when my relationship with Ben Wyatt began.

188. I'd like to direct you to your inbox.

189. And, specifically, an e-mail entitled "Yay."

190. That's Y-A, and 18 Y's, and 44 exclamation points.

191. Yes. It is an e-mail from you.

192. Oh, and there's an attachment.

193. Mmm. Intriguing.

194. Could you play the attachment, please?

195. Sure.

196. In a world on the brink of financial meltdown.

197. In a town unlike any other.

198. An adorable man with a cute face

199. and the future President of the United States...

200. What? Went from being friends

201. to being so much more.

202. Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night.

203. And I learned how to use iMovie.

204. Call me later. Bye.

205. So, what was the date you received that e-mail?

206. Uh, May 12th. May 12th.

207. The day after we returned from Indianapolis.

208. Mr. Haverford, would you consider Leslie Knope a good employee?

209. Did Tom Ford turn around the House of Gucci?

210. I do not know. But I'll assume that that is a yes.

211. How long were you two lovers?

212. Excuse me? Oh, God.

213. Last March, I witnessed Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford

214. engaged in a passionate, yet tender, kiss.

215. It seems that Ms. Knope has a pattern

216. of becoming involved with her co-workers.

217. Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?

218. An online dating site randomly paired us up.

219. So, as a joke,

220. I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating.

221. And then, you kissed me, as a joke, to shut me up.

222. But we never had any other romantic contact after that.

223. No. That would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.

224. No, it wouldn't.

225. Well, we've been at it for hours.

226. And I did have some problem with my character witnesses.

227. I don't know why Leslie Knope is on trial. Ethel Beavers did it!

228. Okay. Beavers did it!

229. Sit down.

230. I will hold myself in contempt of the court!

231. Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it.

232. I took it home and I spaced. I forgot. I'm going to bring it back.

233. It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.

234. What laptop?

235. Objection.

236. But other than that, I think I'm winning.

237. I've refuted every one of Chris' claims so far.

238. I have here a receipt from the Pawnee Super-Suites Motel.

239. Leslie Knope submitted that receipt for reimbursement.

240. Taxpayers' money is not meant to be spent on a romantic getaway.

241. Donna, will you please describe what we were wearing

242. the evening you saw us?

243. Um, Khakis and button-down shirts.

244. Your basic white people clothes.

245. And when you walked into the room, what did it look like?

246. Did it look like anything romantic had happened?

247. No. Hell, no. I have ruined my share of hotel rooms.

248. And trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room.

249. It kind of looked like an office.

250. Maybe because it was an office.

251. City Hall was being fumigated, and we needed to pull an all-nighter.

252. The only thing that was ravaged

253. were these Federal Grant Proposals

254. that Donna had dropped off earlier.

255. I've seen over 200 episodes of Law and Order,

256. and it's paying off big time.

257. And by the way, we got the gramps.

258. Grants. God. Oh.

259. That was going to be such an awesome moment.

260. So, Ethel, you've been to a million of these ethics hearings.

261. What do you think my chances are?

262. I'd say it's 50-50.

263. If you want to put money on it, I'll give you 60-40 against.

264. Is it ethical for a court stenographer

265. to bet on the outcome of a hearing?

266. You tell me. You're the one on trial.

267. Ron Swanson to the stand, please.

268. Mr. Swanson, there has been a question posed

269. about when my relationship with Ben Wyatt ended.

270. Can you confirm that you own a cabin at 930...

271. Stop. Please. I don't like to give out my address to anyone,

272. much less have it on an official record.

273. Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is very important. Do you own a cabin...

274. 9301 Cedar Crest Drive.

275. 9301 Cedar Crest.. .

276. I didn't hear that.

277. 9301 Cedar Crest Drive!

278. She's here.

279. Who's here?

280. My ex-wife. Tammy Two.

281. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

282. Good nose, Ron. Tammy Swanson is here. She will be my next witness.

283. Tammy Two is your killer witness?

284. Please. You're going to have to do better.

285. Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath who could say or do anything.

286. A pretty good killer witness.

287. Ms. Swanson, do you, as you claimed,

288. have evidence linking Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?

289. Absolutely. I have several photographs

290. that will definitively prove...

291. May I remind you that you are under oath, and if you lie,

292. I will fire you and have you prosecuted.

293. Nothing. They will definitively prove nothing.

294. You cut me off. I don't have any evidence.

295. Oh, Chris. So silly.

296. Okay. Bye, guys. Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay.

297. I think I've proven that the only rule

298. Ben and I broke was dating each other.

299. And I am very happy that I have not uncovered

300. any additional evidence of unethical behavior.

301. But I do have one last witness.

302. George Williams from public works.

303. George Williams? Who's...

304. Oh, George Williams? He's just a maintenance worker.

305. NASCAR enthusiast, I believe. And...

306. Oh. Interesting tidbit.

307. I once bribed him to keep my relationship with Ben quiet.

308. You are saying that you saw

309. Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope kissing at Li'l Sebastian's memorial?

310. Yeah.

311. Can you identify Leslie Knope in this chamber?

312. She's right there. Right.

313. And what happened after this incident?

314. Well, they got real nervous.

315. They came up to me and they told me to forget what I saw.

316. What you saw was not what you think it is.

317. I have a gift certificate, actually, for you.

318. Oh, my God.

319. And then, they gave me a $50 gift certificate to a spa, and said...

320. And thank you for your discretion.

321. And did you use it? Yeah.

322. I got a facial. My wife said my skin was luminous.

323. That's enough. Now, in order to cover up their illicit affair,

324. Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope bribed a city employee.

325. George, I notice that you're wearing glasses.

326. Yet, on the day in question, I don't recall you wearing glasses.

327. Could it be because you weren't wearing glasses?

328. I never wear them on a job.

329. Can you take your glasses off, please?

330. And read this for us?

331. "I could read this if I weren't so blind."

332. Well, that went terribly.

333. I need to check some facts and figures.

334. I would like to request a 55-day recess.

335. You can have 30 minutes. But we're nearing the end here, Ms. Knope.

336. Okay, guys. My only hope is that, in one of these old books,

337. there's some weird, arcane statute

338. or government rule that helps me.

339. So, everybody grab a volume and let's just read up.

340. Okay. Mine doesn't have any pictures.

341. Does anyone have anything? Did anybody find anything good?

342. In 1856, the city council banned

343. all sexual positions except for missionary.

344. And two years later, they banned missionary.

345. 1882, "Should a Presbyterian speak out of turn,

346. "he may be caned across the shinbone."

347. Oh, my God. Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.

348. Look, I know we're not supposed to be seen together,

349. but I think Ben could be really helpful with this.

350. Can somebody go get him?

351. All right. I'll go.

352. "Any woman caught laughing is a witch."

353. That's true.

354. Um, he's not there.

355. No, he said he'd just be on the other side of that wall.

356. He's probably in the bathroom.

357. All right. I'll find him.

358. This mural is called Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.

359. All the terrible things that have happened

360. in this town's history are on one side.

361. And on the other side are all the good things that have happened.

362. I'm on the bad side.

363. No, you're not. Yes, I am, Ron. I'm guilty.

364. I did something bad. I'm a bad person.

365. It's not that simple.

366. You know what makes a good person good?

367. When a good person does something bad, they own up to it.

368. They try to learn something from it, and they move on.

369. Guys, everybody stop reading. No more loopholes. No more fighting.

370. Are you sure, boss?

371. Yeah. I know I let you down, and I just want to say I'm really sorry.

372. Leslie, what are you talking about?

373. Yeah, this makes me like you more.

374. Bribing someone to hide a sexcapade?

375. I'm proud to call you a friend.

376. And I always liked you.

377. Okay, we're back.

378. Clear the chamber, please.

379. I think I'm about to get fired, Ron.

380. Ms. Knope, unless you have any objections,

381. we'll be ending this investigation

382. and moving on to the punishment phase.

383. I have no objections.

384. We hereby hand down the following judgment.

385. You will be suspended for two weeks with pay.

386. Just two weeks? Correct.

387. This concludes the investigation.

388. I thought I was going to get fired.

389. I should have gotten fired. Why didn't I get fired?

390. Ben asked for a private meeting with the committee.

391. And he took full responsibility for the bribe

392. and resigned, effective immediately.

393. What? Wait. Hang on. You can't let him resign.

394. I tried to talk him out of it, but his mind was made up.

395. My job is to protect the government from fraud and corruption.

396. I was just doing my job.

397. And I hope that you can understand that.

398. I do. Honestly, I do.

399. Because your actions wounded me to my core.

400. Which is not easy, since the bulk of my workouts

401. are focused on core strengthening.

402. But we will get through this.

403. You are an excellent government employee.

404. And more importantly, you're the only person I've ever met

405. who is worthy of being Ben's girlfriend.

406. I hope that's true.

407. You know, the meeting that Ben and I had,

408. it's on the record.

409. You should take a look at the last page of the transcript.

410. "Mr. Wyatt.

411. "Chris, for God's sake, would you mind

412. "not jumping for a little while?

413. "Mr. Traeger. Sorry, Ben, but.. ."

414. This is how I fight depression.

415. Okay, fine. I'll stop.

416. Thank you.

417. Okay. So, you are prepared to resign

418. effective immediately and take full responsibility

419. for all the events that transpired at Li'l Sebastian's memorial?

420. "Mr. Wyatt. That is correct." That is correct.

421. "Mr. Traeger. Okay, fine.

422. "This makes me sadder than I previously thought humanly possible,

423. "but I accept your resignation.

424. "Can I ask you one more question?"

425. Was all of this, all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job,

426. was it worth it?

427. Yes. It was.

428. "Because I love Leslie. I want to be with her,

429. "and I don't want to hide the way I feel about her anymore.

430. "So, yeah, it was worth it, because I'm in love with Leslie Knope.

431. "Mr. Traeger. That was beautiful.

432. "I'm literally crying and jumping.

433. "Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow.

434. "Mr. Wyatt. It's going to be okay.

435. "Mr. Traeger.. ."

436. Oh.

437. Let it out, I guess?

438. "End Transcript."

439. Hi, honey. How was your day?

440. Oh, I've had better.

441. How about you?

442. I can't believe you did that for me.

443. Well, I was pretty sure it was going to happen, one way or the other.

444. And I hope it doesn't affect your campaign.

445. Don't worry about that right now.

446. There was a piece of testimony that came out during the trial

447. that I think you'd be interested in.

448. Ethel?

449. Ethel, could you please read Page 132 of the official testimony?

450. "Ethel Beavers. The official record

451. "has now annoyingly been reopened,

452. "so that Leslie Knope can make a statement.

453. "Leslie Knope. Let the record state

454. "that I, Leslie Knope, love Ben Wyatt.

455. "I love him with all of my heart.

456. "Did you get that? Ethel Beavers. Yes, I got it."

457. Thank you, Ethel.

458. Can I get a ride home? It's freezing.

459. Can you please state your name for the committee?

460. Gary Gergich.

461. Oh, God, Jerry. You can't even get your own name right.

462. Actually, my real name is Gary.

463. Gary?

464. On my first day here, the old director, he called me Jerry.

465. And I just didn't think I should correct him.

466. That's ridiculous. Your name is Jerry.

467. No. Legally, my name is Gary.

468. Gary Gergich? Jerry Gergich.

469. Gary Gergich. Jerry Gergich.

470. Gary Gergich. Jerry.. . God, they're both horrible.

471. But Jerry is better. I'm going to call you Jerry.

472. Okay. Jerry. Do you remember a time...

473. I'm sorry. I can't get over the Gary-Jerry thing.

474. Neither can I. Jerry, you can go.

475. We need a five-minute break.