Parks and Recreation 4x8

1. Tom. I would like you to redesign our Parks Department logo.

2. Sounds cool so far.

3. Re-think our visual brand.

4. Take these words and make something amazing.

5. So, you're saying you want me to choose a new font?

6. Yes, essentially, I'd like you to choose a new font.

7. Jerry. I am making you my number two guy on the new font project.

8. Come on. That's too close. Let's make him our number three.

9. Fair enough. Jerry, you're number three.

10. There's only two of us.

11. He has been in this department a long time.

12. I think maybe you could learn something from him.

13. Our research shows that our park will draw 5,000 visitors a year.

14. And I want this to be the most amazing,

15. awe-inspiring, fun-filled park ever conceived.

16. Now, how big is the park, exactly?

17. It is point-zero-zero-zero zero-zero-three square miles.

18. Recently, the last remaining telephone booths in Pawnee were torn down.

19. And on that patch of concrete,

20. I am creating Pawnee's newest tourist attraction,

21. the Smallest Park in Indiana.

22. The title is currently held by Martin Luther King, Junior, Park in Terryville.

23. But guess what, Terryville sucks old car tires and so does Martin Luther...

24. No. He does not suck old car tires.

25. He was one of the greatest men in history.

26. I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get competitive.

27. Has there been any resistance from the community?

28. No. Not at all.

29. It's so small, we don't even need

30. to do an Environmental Impact Report.

31. It's inexpensive, it benefits the town. It's a total slam dunk.

32. You two, when you work on a project together, are simply amazing.

33. Great job, team.

34. Man. All these classes look amazing. I can't choose.

35. They do this thing called a "shopping period,"

36. where you can just sample as many classes as you want.

37. Really? Yeah.

38. Sports and Society. Physical Science.

39. A crash course? Yeah, but it's not what you think.

40. Oh, I did not graduate college because I did not "attend it."

41. But I'm trying to improve myself,

42. so I'm going to start by taking just one class.

43. If you're going to take a college course, Andrew,

44. you should explore a new subject.

45. Broaden your horizons.

46. Yeah. Horizons are dumb.

47. Never broaden your horizons. Yep.

48. Just take something you're great at and get an easy A.

49. No offense, Ron, but April's way sounds way easier.

50. Guitar for beginners.

51. I value a good education.

52. So, I don't want to see Andy waste his time in college.

53. Of all my coworkers,

54. he is one of a small number whom I do not actively root against.

55. There I go, getting all sappy.

56. Hey. Hey.

57. So, I have about nine things I need to talk to you about.

58. The first is the ribbon cutting ceremony.

59. Do you know who's bringing scissors?

60. Because I cannot tell you how many ceremonies get derailed

61. when people don't bring scissors. Right.

62. Number two.. . Listen. I'm actually glad you're here.

63. Oh, yeah?

64. After this project finishes, I'm going to focus on other departments

65. and cut down my time with Parks and Rec.

66. What?

67. Well, look. I mean, we tried hanging out together.

68. We tried working together. And it just bums me out.

69. No, no, no. See, we're just working out the kinks.

70. You don't need to decrease your time with me.

71. In fact, you need to increase your time with me.

72. You need to spend more time with me. That make sense?

73. I think it does. No. Leslie. No. Listen to me.

74. After the smallest park wraps up,

75. I am going to ask Chris to take over all Parks and Rec business.

76. Okay?

77. Okay. All right.

78. Well, if you'll excuse me,

79. I need to ascertain the whereabouts

80. of some oversized ceremonial scissors.

81. Those are my pens and pencils.

82. Okay. Now, see, I think that Comic Sans always screams fun. Right?

83. But, man, those R's in Helvetica, they're just,

84. you know like, really popping for me.

85. I've never been more bored in my entire life. Who cares about letters?

86. The only good font is the Sopranos one, where the R is a pistol.

87. Let's think bigger, people. Come on.

88. What about a top-to-bottom makeover for the entire department?

89. I'm talking new uniforms, new signage, new color scheme.

90. A whole new, sexy vibe.

91. I don't know. This really isn't what Chris asked us to do.

92. You know what? Maybe we should just stick to the assignment.

93. Cool, Jerry. I'd take your advice

94. if I wanted to be a dead-eyed government drone with no ambition.

95. Yes. Technically, my new job is my old job.

96. But I'm not some boring Jerry Gergich-type guy.

97. I'm more of a Steve Harvey.

98. I dream big, I shake things up, and I always wear dope suits.

99. Okay. Can anyone tell me what this is called?

100. That's a fret. Yeah.

101. And the little thing you've got right there?

102. It's called a capo. It changes the key.

103. Maybe you should be in the advanced class?

104. Yeah, maybe I should.

105. Dude, dumb it down.

106. But I couldn't possibly, because I'm just a beginner.

107. I barely haven't even ever seen a gor-tar.

108. Okay. We will be working on basic chords for the first four weeks.

109. Oh, my God. Four weeks?

110. I'm already bored.

111. Of course you are. You're not challenging yourself.

112. I suggest we sample a few more classes.

113. Fine. Very good.

114. Goodbye, everybody. Guess what.

115. I was secretly an undercover rock star this whole time.

116. For what it's worth, I think you would make an incredible brunette.

117. Ron Swanson.

118. I mean, he's not even attending the ribbon cutting ceremony

119. of a park that we made together.

120. I'm sorry, Leslie.

121. I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work.

122. And now, he doesn't want to work together anymore?

123. What does that all mean?

124. I think you know what it means.

125. Yeah.

126. I should just drag out that tiny park project

127. for as long as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.

128. That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.

129. No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up.

130. And then, maybe they'll ask for an Environmental Impact Report.

131. And then, Ben and I will work together for at least another year.

132. Leslie, for God's sakes. Good idea, Ann.

133. No, Ann. Please, I beg of you.

134. Will you just shut your beautiful pie hole?

135. Just sit there. Let me stare at you,

136. while you silently support me on this game plan.

137. Leslie. Leslie! Ann.

138. Your quiet support means the world to me.

139. As well as your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.

140. As a mature, reasonable adult,

141. I understand that this will be the last project

142. that Ben and I are working on together.

143. So, please join us for the grand opening

144. of Pawnee's smallest park on November 12th, 2070.

145. Thank you for coming to this very important

146. and what I suspect will be lengthy meeting.

147. The proposed park is very small,

148. but we believe we need to investigate every detail.

149. So, if anyone has any questions for me

150. or Assistant City Manager Ben Wyatt, go right ahead.

151. Hi. I have a question about this project.

152. Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the fire?

153. Let's get to know each other first.

154. Tell me about your childhood.

155. Is there going to be basketball there?

156. Basketball courts attract undesirables to my community.

157. Well, there's barely room for an actual basketball, much less a court.

158. Because there is a definite type of person

159. I associate with basketball,

160. and I'd rather not have that type of person nearby.

161. Don't worry. You don't need to worry.

162. Okay, I'll just come right out and say it.

163. I'll tell you what type...

164. You don't have to do that. of person I don't like.

165. No, no, no. I think we get it. Yep, we do, Rose.

166. And you bring up a very good point.

167. Intolerance. Can we be doing more?

168. I'd like to hear from each and every one of you

169. about a time when prejudice has touched your lives.

170. Hello, everyone. My name is Professor Barnes.

171. The class I'll be teaching this semester is Introduction to Lasers.

172. The word laser stands for

173. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.

174. Where are the lasers?

175. This graphic here represents the electromagnetic spectrum,

176. arranged from low frequency...

177. He's not even using a laser pointer.

178. He's right. This class stinks.

179. Stick with it. You might learn something.

180. Excuse me. Professor? Hi, there. Andy Dwyer.

181. Curious. When will you be

182. bringing out the lasers for me to play with?

183. And will we start with the small lasers

184. or could we go just straight to the big lasers,

185. in terms of playing with them?

186. We won't be using actual lasers in this course.

187. It's about the theory that makes them possible.

188. One of the most significant bummers of my lifetime.

189. First up, a personal favorite. The Sopranos option.

190. Now, I guarantee you anyone that sees this logo

191. is not going to forget about it.

192. This is our current community center.

193. This is our new community center!

194. That's right. It looks like an Apple Store.

195. Today I'm a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.

196. And the Parks Department is a wrinkly old housewife in her early 30s.

197. I'm about to work a miracle.

198. Thank you, ma'am. What a story. Anyone else?

199. Anyone. This gentleman wants to say something.

200. No, I don't. Come on, Mel.

201. You're always up in arms about something.

202. No, I'm not. I'm not always up in arms about something.

203. Here we go. That's the spirit.

204. Talk to me about what's bothering you.

205. Okay. That will do it. Thanks, everybody.

206. I once hosted a forum about a new bike rack that lasted seven hours.

207. Now, when I need these people to complain, they're done in 45 minutes?

208. Check it out. You can get credit for playing intramural Frisbee Golf.

209. Okay. You can take a class on the Civil War.

210. Why would I take a class on something that's already happened?

211. Look, you guys have already had your say.

212. Now, I want to try something that I want to try.

213. And I'm going to make my choice, as I always do, at random.

214. As she was burned at the stake, Joan of Arc did not cower.

215. She did not beg for mercy.

216. She said in a strong, clear voice,

217. "I am not afraid. I was born to do this."

218. I want to be burned at the stake.

219. Many societal institutions were established solely to oppress women.

220. To this day, some feminists have even condemned marriage

221. as a glorified form of slavery.

222. Amen.

223. That class was awesome.

224. I wholeheartedly agree.

225. If that woman weren't so violently opposed to marriage,

226. I think I would propose to her.

227. Well, then, it's decided. Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers.

228. Women's Studies.

229. Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers.

230. Women's Studies. Is there such thing as Women's Lasers?

231. That would be my number one pick.

232. Excuse me. What the heck is going on here?

233. Just preparing for the grand opening

234. of this tiny but very intrusive park.

235. We were told this would have very little impact on the neighborhood.

236. This flyer lists hundreds of events.

237. There are fireworks every night at midnight?

238. They start at midnight. Who knows when they're going to end?

239. Look, I don't even know the impact of this park,

240. because the city skipped an Environmental Impact Report.

241. So, we don't know about traffic problems or sound or lights or crime.

242. I mean, it's all a mystery.

243. Don't you work for the government?

244. I do, Joe. Yeah, that's how I know just how high this conspiracy goes.

245. What can we do about it?

246. I'm glad you asked. I have some ideas.

247. These are our current park rangers.

248. What are they up to? No one cares.

249. They're boring and I hate them.

250. But coming this spring to the Style Network, Ranger Reality Show.

251. I'm sorry, Tom, but, Chris, he just wanted us to choose a new font.

252. I mean, really, you've gone way off track.

253. Well, guess what, Jerry. I'm a dreamer. Okay? I dream big. Deal with it.

254. Tom. Weekends are for dreaming.

255. You are a government worker. This is a government job.

256. Plus, isn't dreaming big exactly

257. what got you in trouble with your old company?

258. Hey. Where are you going, Joe? Bathroom break?

259. No. Get back over there. I'll find you a bottle or something.

260. Where did all of these people come from?

261. And why did they turn so quickly on this project?

262. Well, you know how it goes.

263. It only takes one nut job to get people riled up.

264. I hate to say this, but I think we're going to have to do

265. that Environmental Impact Report.

266. They are explicitly demanding it.

267. Hey, everybody? Listen up.

268. In response to your complaints,

269. we are canceling all of these disruptive events.

270. This park is just going to be a quiet patch of grass, harming nobody.

271. Everybody cool?

272. Yeah.

273. Great.

274. Dream Team!

275. Actually, Chris, I know you think

276. that we're a dream team. Dream Team!

277. Yeah. But we're not.

278. You see, Leslie, here, is a team of one.

279. And that might be a very good team.

280. But she kind of steamrolls the rest of her team,

281. me, to do whatever she wants,

282. regardless of how the rest of her team, me, feels.

283. So, I don't think we should work together anymore.

284. Wow. That was very hard to hear.

285. So many negative words.

286. I just need to process this.

287. Okay, the Dream Team is dead.

288. But you guys had a great run.

289. Oh, and the park is open. Yay.

290. Ha-ha!

291. Good job with that.

292. Hello, ma'am, who is just as equal as men.

293. I would like one ticket for Women.

294. He would like to register for Women's Studies.

295. Okay. Here's the registration form.

296. And we'll need a check or money order for $940.

297. Why?

298. Why didn't you tell me it was so expensive?

299. I didn't know. My parents pay for my classes.

300. I'll just have them pay for yours, too. No. God, no.

301. That's embarrassing. I know.

302. I'm going to beg for money on the street like a drug addict.

303. No. Yep.

304. Oh, my God. Everything in my life is going wrong right now.

305. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.

306. Actually.. . Ben thinks that I'm a steamroller?

307. That's unbelievable. How dare he think that I'm a steamroller?

308. Leslie, I'm just telling you this because I love you.

309. I know. He's just going through a phase right now.

310. And eventually, we're going to both be friends again.

311. No, what I was going to say is that you really are...

312. Working too hard. I know.

313. Ann, you keep starting all these sentences and not...

314. You're a steamroller!

315. You are a massive, enormous, runaway steamroller, with no brakes

316. and a cement brick on the gas pedal.

317. You made me watch all eight Harry Potter movies.

318. I don't even like Harry Potter.

319. That's insane. You love Harry Potter. You've seen all eight movies.

320. When we go out to a bar, you order my drinks for me.

321. Because you order white wine and it gives you a headache.

322. Well, it's my headache.

323. Leslie, you do what you want,

324. you ignore what other people want,

325. and you hear only what you want to hear.

326. Okay. I know. I know I do this.

327. I'm the worst.

328. No, you're very passionate.

329. You just push too hard sometimes.

330. Well, then, you should call me a bulldozer rather than a steamroller.

331. I'm sorry.

332. It's going to be okay.

333. Is it?

334. Honestly. Is it?

335. I mean, I guess I just need to leave Ben alone.

336. That's what he says he wants.

337. Okay.

338. Well, this steamroller is hanging up her...

339. The roll-y thing on the front of the machine.

340. What do you, what do you call that?

341. Roller? Probably. Okay.

342. Got you a little pick-me-up, Tommy.

343. A triple-decker ham-and-cheese from the cafeteria.

344. Always makes me feel better.

345. Two pathetic guys, eating pathetic sandwiches. Sounds terrific.

346. I guess I'm Jerry now.

347. After work, I'll just go home,

348. straight to my boring house, kiss my wife,

349. and have a home-cooked meal

350. with my three beautiful daughters.

351. What a miserable life.

352. I have been here, well, 30-some years.

353. And the best way to cope with this job

354. is to do everything the exact same way every day.

355. Heck, I still use my original ID card

356. from my first day on the job. Check this out.

357. Oh, my God.

358. I've got to go. Put my sammie in the fridge.

359. Mouse Rat CD. $30.

360. Candy bars. $50. $50.

361. God, people here are so cheap.

362. April, where have you been?

363. Over two phone calls came in unimpeded.

364. We're raising money for my college education, Ron.

365. I took a second job, back at my old job.

366. Do you want a shoe shine? It's $100.

367. Laugh all you want, Kyle.

368. I already took the money out of your wallet.

369. Oh.

370. Good news, son.

371. You have just won a Ron Swanson scholarship.

372. I don't think so.

373. I don't remember applying for that. No, Andy.

374. Ron Swanson scholarship.

375. Wait. Are you serious?

376. Stop this. No.

377. Stop or you lose the money.

378. Why not? I like the kid, and I have the money.

379. One thing I promised myself when I buried gold in my backyard

380. was that I'd never be a hoarder or a miser about it.

381. Okay. Is this Health Department business or Leslie business?

382. You need to go talk to her.

383. Why? So she can force me to spend time with her again? No.

384. No way. I'm done talking.

385. Listen, I know she can be strong-willed and difficult.

386. Okay? She once made me eat an entire cheesecake

387. at a potluck so she didn't look bad.

388. But I really think she's ready to listen.

389. You ate an entire cheesecake?

390. Why didn't you just throw it away?

391. Because with everything she's done for me,

392. I would eat 10 cheesecakes for her.

393. Also, PS, it was delicious and amazing, like everything she does.

394. Will you please just talk to her for my sake?

395. I don't have unlimited texting,

396. and when she can't talk to you, she texts me.

397. So, we take the old logo from the 1970s

398. and we make limited-edition hats, posters, T-shirts, everything.

399. People love limited editions.

400. Plus, parents will get swept up in the nostalgia

401. and want to go to the parks

402. to recreate the fun they had growing up.

403. This is amazing.

404. It is possibly the best idea anyone has had

405. in this government in 100 years.

406. Tom, terrific.

407. Thanks. But most of the credit goes to my number four, Jerry.

408. He shared some words of wisdom with me today.

409. And while he was yammering on about whatever,

410. I happened to see his old ID card.

411. Thanks, buddy.

412. Yeah.

413. Hey. Hi.

414. I wasn't sure you were going to come.

415. Well, I got very curious when you only left me one voicemail message

416. instead of your usual 20.

417. I'm trying to be a little less intense and a little more considerate.

418. Here, have a seat. But only if you want to.

419. Okay. I want to.

420. I never listened to what you wanted

421. or how you wanted us to be when things ended between us.

422. I just decided what I wanted,

423. and I got upset when you didn't want the same thing.

424. I know that's not fair, and I'm very sorry.

425. Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

426. If you don't want to have any more contact with me,

427. I finally understand.

428. I don't want that. Really.

429. But I just think it's for the best.

430. Okay. Okay.

431. Okay.

432. There is another option.

433. We could just say, "Screw it," and do this thing for real.

434. What? I miss you like crazy.

435. I think about you all the time.

436. I want to be with you.

437. So, let's just say, "Screw it."

438. No. We would have to tell Chris. Yeah.

439. It could turn into a scandal. Yeah.

440. It could hurt your campaign. Yes.

441. How would you imagine we do this? I don't know.

442. But I know how I feel and I want to be with you.

443. But I'm done steamrolling people.

444. This is how I feel. How do you feel?

445. First day. You ready?

446. As ready as I'll ever be.

447. Oh, crap. I forgot my books and my computer.

448. Just pay attention to the lecture. And enjoy.

449. My first day of college, my father dropped me off at the steel mill.

450. He didn't think I should go to college.

451. But I hitched a ride, enrolled, and learned a lot.

452. Hope Andy does, too.

453. We need to start teaching women football. Teaching women UFC.

454. Teaching them to drive trucks without crashing.

455. Hey. Maybe I'm only sexy, and maybe that's all you see.

456. But at least you can give me extra money, tip money and stuff.

457. I'll flirt with you, write my name on a napkin.

458. They're going to do it in a right kind of legal way

459. that empowers prostitution.

460. We don't rest until we get that. That will be progress.

461. That is extremely incorrect.

462. I thought.. . I thought maybe it was.

463. When I was.. . I'll get them next time.

464. Back to you, Professor.