Parks and Recreation 4x6

1. Miss Leslie Knope, I present to you Herb Scaifer.

2. Again, Andy, you don't need to bow.

3. As you wish, ma'am.

4. Okay, Herb, what can I do you for?

5. Well, please prepare yourself.

6. I have terrible news. You do?

7. The world is going to end tomorrow at dawn.

8. Oh, nuts. You're sure it's tomorrow?

9. Afraid so. Right at dawn.

10. The entire planet...

11. gone!

12. Not giving me much notice, Herb. Let me see what I can do.

13. Okay.

14. For a while in the 1970s, our town was run by a freaky cult.

15. Every few years, the remaining members

16. predict the world is going to end,

17. and they have an all-night vigil in the park.

18. It's super annoying.

19. Turns out, when you think the world is ending,

20. you don't aim so carefully in the Porta-Potties.

21. Tonight, the followers of Reasonableism

22. will be joining together to await the return of Zorp.

23. The giant lizard god who will destroy the earth

24. with his cleansing fire of judgment.

25. Also, light refreshments will be served.

26. Oh! Last year, they had pizza. Are they gonna have pizza again?

27. It says they've got turkey sandwiches

28. and the nectar of a thousand sorrows.

29. Oh, that is so good! It's root beer and red wine.

30. I went to one meeting.

31. Wait.

32. I'm gonna miss you, enormous chair.

33. You really sat in this thing? Yeah!

34. I loved it. Felt like a tiny king.

35. T-cups!

36. We did it, baby.

37. We built a company from the ground up.

38. And then we ran it back into the ground.

39. Well, the important thing to remember is it was a massive success.

40. Remy Martin?

41. Well, Entertainment 720 is dead.

42. It's up in company heaven

43. along with pets.com, Blockbuster and AskJeeves.

44. My company's no better than a company where you ask a fake butler

45. to Google things for you.

46. Hello!

47. So, it looks like we each end up with about $5,000 apiece.

48. Stop. We get five G's each? That's amazing.

49. You started out with $450,000.

50. Hey, you remember when DJ Bluntz made

51. us our own personal entrance beats?

52. Remember the opening night party when you danced so hard

53. with Tessa, the receptionist, that you broke one of your ribs?

54. It never healed properly.

55. Every breath is agonizing.

56. Stop.

57. So what's next, Tommy Davidson?

58. I say we invest our 10 large,

59. and then I accidentally get run over by a city bus,

60. and we start our own hip hop label.

61. Listen, we could play it safe.

62. But that's not what E 720 was all about.

63. No, it was not.

64. We have this place for one more night, right?

65. We're outtie tomorrow at noon.

66. What if we took every dime we had left, threw one last party?

67. Made it the essence of everything we wanted the company to be.

68. A party for the end of the world.

69. You had me at "every dime we have left."

70. Because I'm in like Lara Flynn Boyle from The Practice.

71. Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, swag.

72. Why does the cult call themselves The Reasonableists?

73. Well, they figure if people criticize them,

74. it'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable.

75. That's weirdly brilliant.

76. Look, there's nothing to worry about.

77. They've said that the world is gonna end 15 times,

78. and the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates

79. is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow.

80. That was a tragic day. LIVESTRONG. Mmm.

81. At any rate, I think Ben and I should accompany you tonight.

82. Oh, I don't think we have to do that.

83. No, no, no. I insist. These people live on planet Nutbrain.

84. I live on planet Nut Bran.

85. Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon.

86. Well, looks like we're kind of forced to hang out with each other.

87. Yeah. Listen, I mean, I'll come for a bit.

88. But if it's okay with you, I'm not going to stay.

89. It's just, you know, still kind of weird, right?

90. Yeah. Yeah.

91. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally get it. Definitely get it.

92. Ben and I don't hang out much these days.

93. Big deal. Lots of people don't hang out.

94. Jerry and April. Obama and Madonna, probably.

95. We're in good company.

96. What should we do tonight? I don't know.

97. I just figure we'll just order some pizza. You watch me play Xbox.

98. And then I can watch you make some prank phone calls.

99. We get hammered, make out.

100. We do that every night.

101. That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.

102. Let's do something weird. Come on. It could be the last night on Earth.

103. We could do something off my bucket list.

104. You have a bucket list?

105. Catch the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.

106. Make the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich ever.

107. Win the lottery. Ride a unicycle. Invent something.

108. Fly first class on a plane.

109. When people are walking by, be like this...

110. Go skydiving. Outrun a hippo.

111. I'd like to remake the movie Kazaam

112. with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie,

113. and I'd like to get it right.

114. Teach my son to throw the perfect spiral.

115. Have a son.

116. All right, well, this is what we're doing tonight.

117. Wait, which one?

118. We could change my cell phone plan. That would be fun.

119. No. This one.

120. $800, $900, $1,000.

121. And how much is left in the bank account?

122. $18.04.

123. Whoa! Still a lot left over.

124. Okay, you wanted to hold $1,000 cash in your hands.

125. That's super disappointing.

126. $998, $999, $1,000.

127. Yes! Now, this is what I imagined.

128. Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life?

129. I just handed it to you.

130. Nickels.

131. I want nickels. A billion nickels! No. Andy.

132. Hey, Herb. Yeah.

133. Sorry to bother you. Yeah, sure.

134. Leslie said you still need to pay for the permit. It's $28.

135. Oh, I'm sorry.

136. Here's a check. You can cash that. Tomorrow.

137. Evening, gentlemen, ladies.

138. Oh, hey, Ron. Hail Zorp.

139. How are you? I'm great.

140. It is a beautiful night for the end of the world.

141. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.

142. The Zorpies are ridiculous.

143. But like the Founding Fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion.

144. Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes.

145. I happen to make flutes in my wood shop.

146. Flutes are $80 apiece, and recorders are $150.

147. Hey, they're beautiful.

148. Would you take a check?

149. Sure.

150. Welcome to E 720's End of the World Celebration.

151. The entire party is a VIP area.

152. There's also a double VIP area.

153. A triple VIP area.

154. And a Centurion Club Elite VIP area.

155. Sponsored by SoBe Lifewater.

156. No one is allowed in there. Not even us. Mmm-mmm.

157. We have not one, but six open bars. And best of all,

158. Snake Juice ice luge.

159. Chill it, T!

160. Juice is so chilled!

161. Craps! Roulette.

162. Arr, matey!

163. A pirate ship bouncy castle. With bubbles.

164. Shrimp wall.

165. And special V.I.P. shrimp distributor,

166. Indiana Pacers center, Roy Hibbert.

167. This is all you want me to do?

168. Pass out shrimp to people at the party?

169. Yes. And stop asking questions.

170. Got a head? Maybe you want a free fedora.

171. Wanna make out? Go to our make-out room.

172. And before you leave, don't forget your gift bag.

173. Jean-Ralphio, are there any animals on the guest list tonight?

174. Let me check, T.T. Oh, just one.

175. Bengal tiger. Bengal tiger.

176. We also hired 10 huge, scary bouncers with ear pieces.

177. What up, Keith? Mmm.

178. He actually once tossed me out of a club three years ago.

179. Water under the bridge.

180. D.J. Bluntz is mixing up some new beats.

181. Only 200 people will be admitted to retain exclusivity.

182. Batters and batter-ettes, fasten your seatbelts.

183. The perfect party begins.. .

184. Now. Now.

185. Oh, thank God.

186. No one shows up to a good party on time.

187. If anyone had actually shown up right now,

188. the whole party would have been ruined.

189. Would have been a disaster. I don't want to go to that party.

190. Does the city consider them a threat to public safety?

191. Not at all, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

192. It's been over 30 years since there's been any incident

193. involving the Reasonableists.

194. So I shouldn't interpret anything

195. from the fact that there are two people

196. from the City Manager's office here?

197. Well, nothing except that I had nothing better to do,

198. which probably says more about me than them.

199. Thanks. Thanks.

200. Headline idea.

201. It's the End of the World as They Know It, but Pawnee Feels Fine.

202. It's a little long. Okay.

203. Zorp Shmorp. Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat

204. as Citizens Spend Pleasant Evening

205. Enjoying One of Pawnee's Finest Parks.

206. Somehow longer. Right. Okay, let's go with the first one.

207. Great. Hey, also, he's cute. Is he single? Do you know?

208. Chris? No, he's actually dating Jerry's daughter.

209. I'm sorry. I meant Ben. What's his story?

210. Who? Ben.

211. I...

212. I don't know. I'm not sure.

213. He's a man, and he's a worker, and he is...

214. We've never discussed sex, so...

215. We've always just been very business-like,

216. so your guess is as good, nay, better than mine.

217. The end. By Leslie Knope.

218. Okay. Cool. Thanks.

219. Happy to help.

220. What's happening?

221. The world is ending.

222. Oh, boy. I know how this goes. I know how Shauna operates.

223. She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married,

224. and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt.

225. Or he's going to be really progressive

226. and change his name to Ben Wyatt Malwae-Tweep.

227. God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.

228. Okay. Leslie, they're just talking.

229. What do you mean, just talking? He's smiling.

230. And she's being very charming. Is she more charming than me?

231. Ann, if you say yes, I will kick you, I swear to God!

232. You're definitely more charming.

233. But I'm here to remind you that the reason you're not dating him

234. is because you decided to run for City Council.

235. So just because I can't go out with him, someone else can?

236. Oh, boy. Okay. Wow!

237. I'm sure this is nothing.

238. Okay, well, that was definitely something. Oh, my God.

239. I know that move. They're going to have sex in five minutes.

240. I've gotta stop this.

241. I've gotta keep them away from each other for the rest of their lives.

242. How are you going to do that? Unclear.

243. Oh, yeah! 10 bucks.

244. That counts as winning the lottery.

245. Okay, now, is this the most amazing

246. grilled cheese sandwich ever made?

247. It's pretty awesome.

248. Honey, my bucket list doesn't say,

249. "Make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich."

250. We gotta go back to the store. We're gonna get a different kind of cheese.

251. No, no, no, no, no. Dude, seriously.

252. This is the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich ever made, okay?

253. Okay. What's next?

254. Hey, there you are. You two are still talking?

255. Ben hasn't bored you to death by now?

256. Hey. He's so boring.

257. Actually, we were having a really great talk.

258. Keep your pants on. What?

259. I mean, keep your pants on, girl.

260. I mean, those are really nice pants. I really like your pants.

261. Where did you get them? Do you want to go buy some more pants

262. or walk away from here?

263. I actually I think I have everything I need here.

264. But I might head over to that End of the World party.

265. That's where all the losers are going. Yeah, what is that?

266. Tom emailed me. I could check that out.

267. Or... Well, then you should stay here, then.

268. Because you can't go. I mean, what if you're not here when Zorp shows up?

269. Boy, would your face be red.

270. When Zorp shows up, your faces will be melted off and used as fuel.

271. You want to be here for that. I think I'll take my chances.

272. Leslie, thanks as always.

273. Wow, what an unbelievably unpleasant person.

274. Melissa, get in there with your bad self. All right.

275. You ready? I'm ready.

276. Anything you grab is yours to keep. Hit it.

277. Yes.

278. The perfect party, it's an elusive idea.

279. People have to be completely entertained

280. from the moment they walk in until the moment they leave.

281. It's a grand experiment, and I am a party scientist.

282. Welcome to my laboratory.

283. So, you were living here when "Reasonableism" first swept in?

284. I was. Lou Presotovich, their founder, was an office supply salesman.

285. One day, he had an interesting idea.

286. Maybe he could write a book to help people organize their offices.

287. Organize It.

288. Yeah. The book was a big success.

289. Then, Lou had another interesting thought.

290. Maybe there was a twenty-eight foot tall lizard

291. with a volcano for a mouth who controlled the universe.

292. That is interesting.

293. So he wrote a second book.

294. Organize It Two: Engage with Zorp.

295. You know, could I have a look at that?

296. Well, sure you can, Chris. You can keep it.

297. I'd skip the first couple of chapters, if I were you.

298. Between you and me, it doesn't really get good till Zorp shows up.

299. Zorp is the lizard.

300. What religion am I?

301. Well, I'm a practicing none of your business.

302. Okay. I'm ready.

303. Good. Wait!

304. I'm not ready. Super scared.

305. Andy, you said you wanted to be an action star.

306. This is your chance.

307. Okay.

308. Okay. You, Natalie, follow the action.

309. Whatever. What do I have to do?

310. Just hold up this butter knife to my throat

311. and pretend like you're holding me hostage.

312. Ready?

313. I don't know. This seems a little crazy.

314. Just crazy enough to work.

315. Whoa!

316. Oh, my face! My face is fine. Mikhail Petrov.

317. Forget it, Macklin. You're too late. I'm sorry, guys. I...

318. Jerry. I need my cheaters.

319. I cannot see.. . Hey, I need...

320. You're doing really good.

321. Really? Yeah.

322. Help me, Agent Macklin. Help me.

323. He's stolen my jewels.

324. And now, he's going to ravish my body.

325. And he stinks! He really stinks!

326. Okay. Janet Snakehole belongs to Mother Russia now.

327. Oh, that's what you think. No!

328. I hope you like pain.

329. Pow!

330. Say the line.

331. Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian...

332. off to jail.

333. Hey, you know what? Can I go? Gayle is making a roast.

334. Ugh.

335. That was Symphony for the Righteous

336. Destruction of Humanity in E Minor

337. by the late Lou Presotovich.

338. Reminder. These flutes are available for purchase.

339. You can't take it with you, people.

340. Herb, I just speed-read both of your books.

341. And full disclosure, I think they're bonkersville.

342. But I did notice that you're interested in reincarnation.

343. Tell me about that. Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?

344. From the universe we emerge, and to the universe we return.

345. And there are infinite forms we can take in infinite universes.

346. What a lovely thought.

347. Well, this morning at dawn, you will take a new form.

348. That of a fleshless, chattering skeleton

349. when Zorp the Surveyor arrives and burns

350. your flesh off with his volcano mouth.

351. That was very strange, what you just said.

352. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.

353. Hey. Hey. Where are you going? Where are you headed off to?

354. Do you want to play a fun game with me that I made up called ChessRisk?

355. It's half-chess, half-Risk, and it takes 15 hours to play.

356. Okay, yeah, I think I'm going to go.

357. I... Okay. All right?

358. Oh, my God! What?

359. I forgot I have a thing I need to show you. Oh.

360. I need to bring you there right now.

361. It's so amazing. It's going to freak you out.

362. It's something that we need to get

363. in my car and go to. So let's do that.

364. Okay. Come on.

365. Leslie, where are you going? I'm going to the thing

366. that I told you about with Ben. No spoilers, Ann.

367. She's been there before. Let's go. Okay.

368. What's up? What's up? Are you guys having a good time tonight?

369. Yeah!

370. I think we've got to take things to the next level.

371. Drumline, hit it.

372. Here we go! Here we go!

373. We've already been down this street.

374. Just out of curiosity, where is

375. your favorite place to go? Like, ever.

376. Well, I don't know. Tom's party sounded kind of fun.

377. Here we are. We're at the special place.

378. Well, here we are.

379. What do you think?

380. Are you going to murder me and bury me at this gas station?

381. No, this is a great gas station.

382. This gas station was owned by Mick Jagger.

383. Uh-huh.

384. I came across some financial records

385. when I was doing research for my book,

386. and this gas station was owned by an M. Jagger.

387. Which, at first, I thought was a woman. Maybe Meg or something.

388. But I think the most likely explanation is

389. that legendary Rolling Stones front man

390. Mick Jagger owned this gas station from 1951 to 1958.

391. When he was eight. Yeah.

392. And I just knew you were a big fan of financial records,

393. so you're welcome.

394. I know what you're doing, Leslie.

395. I am showing you a part of rock and roll history.

396. You know, you can't do this.

397. You know, we broke up.

398. And I kind of feel like we shouldn't hang out together,

399. just the two of us.

400. Because every time we do, it just makes it harder. You know?

401. Okay.

402. Okay.

403. This one will get me arrested

404. and this other one's impossible because we need Eddie Vedder

405. and a time machine.

406. I think we've done everything on the list that we can actually do, so...

407. Really? Yeah. I mean.. . I think that's it.

408. What about this?

409. Oh, my God. That would be awesome.

410. That's impossible. No, it isn't.

411. We have $1,000 in our bank account,

412. and we're young and irresponsible.

413. I mean, our car would break down.

414. There's no way we could even get there.

415. So I'll steal my dad's car.

416. Look, this is a stupid idea, but right at this exact second,

417. we have enough momentum to do something

418. stupid before we realize how stupid it is.

419. You are absolutely right.

420. No thinking. Just stupid. Yes.

421. Buddhists feel that human beings are

422. unlikely to be reincarnated as human beings.

423. So the problem with reincarnation

424. is that you could be reborn as a pretzel

425. or a socket wrench.

426. Ron, if you could be reincarnated, what would you like to be?

427. Socket wrench sounds pretty good, actually.

428. I think the danger in believing in reincarnation

429. is that you spend so much time trying to figure out

430. what you're gonna be in the next lifetime,

431. that you forget to enjoy the one you're in now.

432. Ann Perkins, that was beautiful.

433. Let's go to that party that Tom's having.

434. Have some fun in this life.

435. Sounds good.

436. Wait. I wanna change my answer.

437. I'd go with bolt cutters.

438. Maybe you'll be reincarnated as a good dancer.

439. Ann Perkins, you "zinged" me!

440. I love that.

441. Tommy, this is the best party I've ever been to.

442. I'm not just saying that.

443. For real, T.T. Think about it, man.

444. Drumlines, personalized gift bags, tigers.

445. It's pretty great, but it's not perfect.

446. I mean, David Beckham didn't show up.

447. You knew that was a long shot.

448. Honestly, this is perfect.

449. I guess.

450. Tom. Hey. Lucy, what are you doing here?

451. Jean-Ralphio called me and told me

452. that this was a very special occasion,

453. and I should come down.

454. It's nice to see you.

455. Yeah, good to see you, too.

456. You want to go dance?

457. Yeah, yeah. Give me a minute.

458. Okay.

459. I can't believe you called her for me.

460. That's really nice of you, man. For real. Thanks.

461. No, no, no. Thank you. I mean, for everything.

462. I actually forgot they ever dated. I was trying to hit that.

463. Dawn is nigh. Zorp the Surveyor approaches,

464. and all earthly debts will be repaid

465. to the original source of life in the universe.

466. Last call for donuts.

467. What would you do if the world was really gonna end?

468. I'd go home, drink some whiskey.

469. Then I'd go see my ex-wives.

470. Really?

471. Yeah.

472. I wanna watch them meet their fiery end with my own eyes.

473. What would you do?

474. Can I speak with you about a personal matter?

475. Normally, no.

476. But given there's only 20 minutes

477. until the end of human existence,

478. also no.

479. I lost my mind tonight.

480. I tried to screw up even the potential of Ben dating someone else.

481. Did you not hear me when I said no?

482. We broke up because of me.

483. But I have to tell you, Ron.

484. If the world was ending tomorrow,

485. I'd want to be with him.

486. Well, that's significant.

487. The problem is, Leslie, the world is not ending tomorrow.

488. The sun's going to rise right over there.

489. It will be a regular Friday,

490. and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.

491. I know.

492. I made my decision. I need to stick to it.

493. It's just the thought of him with someone else is making me miserable.

494. If it makes you feel any better, Leslie,

495. we'll all be dead in 20 minutes.

496. That does make me feel better. Thank you, Herb.

497. Guy's got ears like a fruit bat.

498. We did it! Yay!

499. This car is nice. How long do you think it will take us?

500. The map says 30 hours, but I drive really fast.

501. 30 hours?

502. Oh, crap. I didn't bring any music. No.

503. Does your dad have anything good? Ew...

504. Starlight Express: The Original Cast Recording, Act One.

505. Who Moved My Cheese? Book on tape.

506. Next.

507. Bobby McFerrin? No!

508. We cannot listen to Bobby McFerrin for 60 hours of driving.

509. We'll murder each other.

510. I tell you what. You play whatever you want.

511. I'm just going to take a real quick snooze

512. for, like, 12 hours so I'm fresh.

513. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

514. If you're too drunk to drive, please take one of our shuttles home.

515. Our valet service will drop your car off later today.

516. If you're one of our designated drivers,

517. please take a thank you bag and enjoy the giant bows I put on your car.

518. Hey. Hey.

519. It was great seeing you. You, too.

520. Are you sticking around for a bit or...

521. No, I'm heading to Bloomington right now. Ah.

522. Grad school is fun, but I do miss this town. Yeah.

523. What's wrong?

524. I don't know. After this is done, I'm going to be broke,

525. and I'm not going to have a job.

526. Well, if it's any consolation, this was

527. honestly the best party I've ever been to.

528. It was pretty great.

529. I was really aiming for something that...

530. I'll see you around.

531. Ooh! Wow!

532. You saw that.

533. You saw that, too.

534. Shauna Malwae-Tweep thinks you're cute. What?

535. That's why I took you to Mick Jagger's abandoned gas station.

536. Because she thinks you're cute, and I was afraid

537. you guys were going to make out and have babies.

538. And I had no right to do that to you or your future children.

539. And it wasn't until just now that I realized

540. the romantic part of our relationship is over.

541. So I'm sorry.

542. And why don't you tell Shauna to make herself decent,

543. and I'll apologize to her as well?

544. Oh, well, Shauna is not here.

545. Oh.

546. See what I did? I do.

547. I'm very sneaky.

548. Okay. Okay. Well.

549. It's so much more beautiful than I could have ever even imagined.

550. Yeah.

551. I'm trying to find a way to be annoyed by it,

552. but I'm coming up empty.

553. Thank you so much. I never would

554. have ever done this without you.

555. Thank you.

556. Where's all the faces?

557. Like the presidents.

558. Frankly, Leslie, I'm shocked.

559. All the scholarly work that I did on these texts indicated

560. that the world would end.

561. Gosh, I'm as disappointed as you are, Herb.

562. Yeah, but when the world did not end,

563. I went home and began to re-evaluate the texts.

564. You don't say?

565. And I realized that I had made some crucial errors.

566. Well, math is hard.

567. The actual end of the world is six months from now.

568. Great! Yeah!

569. May 19th.

570. Okay, let's see what we've got.

571. Um, oh, on the 19th, we can't give you the park.

572. We have a Spring Spectacular free ice cream giveaway.

573. Oh! Look here.

574. I misspoke. Yeah, it's May 20.

575. That is free. Okay. Ah.

576. Thanks. End of world. May 20th.

577. That's great!

578. Oh, and could you put aside 10 tickets to that ice cream thing?

579. Already did.