1. Mmm. Eyeballs, rats,
bats, vampire teeth.Copy !req
2. Boom. Vampire teeth.
Good.Copy !req
3. Spider webs.
Done.Copy !req
4. Fake blood capsules.Copy !req
5. They didn't have any.
Really?Copy !req
6. That's gross. I love it.Copy !req
7. We are throwing a
Halloween party at our house.Copy !req
8. It's gonna be
the greatest thing ever.Copy !req
9. Someone will die.
Of fun.Copy !req
10. And of murder.Copy !req
11. There's going to be beer,
pumpkins.. . Bloody goblins.Copy !req
12. Fake ones. It's gonna be
awesome. We have decorations.Copy !req
13. Dead people that
we just murdered.Copy !req
14. Not murdered,
but pictures of dead people from TV or movies.Copy !req
15. Mutilated bodies.
But fake ones.Copy !req
16. Candy, dancing, tequila.
All kinds of food and snacks.Copy !req
17. Blood orphans.
No blood orphans.Copy !req
18. I don't know what that is.Copy !req
19. I want you on message,
and the message is Leslie Knope.Copy !req
20. If you're not
talking about you,Copy !req
21. you're talking
about the wrong thing.Copy !req
22. I hate talking about myself.Copy !req
23. Get over it. I talk about myself
constantly. Everyone loves me for it.Copy !req
24. I really am amazing.Copy !req
25. When you work in government,
people often suspectCopy !req
26. that you're anti-business.Copy !req
27. So I'm throwing a little meet
and greet with business owners,Copy !req
28. and I've asked
Tom's company to help.Copy !req
29. Here's my opening line.
Hi. I'm Leslie Knope,Copy !req
30. and I'm in the business
of being City Councilor.Copy !req
31. Oh, my God.
I'm not going to use that.Copy !req
32. This is your primary target.Copy !req
33. President of the Chamber of Commerce,
Martin Kernston.Copy !req
34. Oh, yes. From Kernston
Rubber Nipples. The Nipple King.Copy !req
35. Photos, bios, likes, dislikes,
prescription medications.Copy !req
36. I've heard of Martin Kernston.
I know a little bit about him.Copy !req
37. Oh, really? Well,
which of his advisors does he trust more,Copy !req
38. Ted Flirtman or Rex Baggs?Copy !req
39. Well,
it depends. Flirtman is more of a confidant.Copy !req
40. I made up both those names.Copy !req
41. Okay, I'm on it.Copy !req
42. Get at me.Copy !req
43. Jean-Ralphio, stop crying.Copy !req
44. What? Hold on.
Slow down. Hold on.Copy !req
45. Allergic to chestnuts and...Copy !req
46. Good haircuts.Copy !req
47. It's too tight. Looser.
I feel like we need to inflate it more.Copy !req
48. No, I told you. I'm a sumo
wrestler after he lost the weight.Copy !req
49. I take it
we're having a party.Copy !req
50. Dude, I knew there was
something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.Copy !req
51. No, no, no. It's fine.Copy !req
52. Why should you guys tell me you
were gonna have an enormous party?Copy !req
53. I didn't tell you I was gonna
be quietly working in my room.Copy !req
54. That's a good point.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
55. I guess we're even.Copy !req
56. If you need me,
I'll definitely be awake,Copy !req
57. because I won't be able to
sleep because of the party.Copy !req
58. You know? So...Copy !req
59. All right.Copy !req
60. My family is very
non-confrontational.Copy !req
61. My parents' method
of problem solving isCopy !req
62. to kind of keep
everything bottled upCopy !req
63. and just subtly hint
at what's bothering them.Copy !req
64. And after 36 years,
they are still divorced.Copy !req
65. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
66. Tom, this is not
what I pictured at all.Copy !req
67. This looks like a party
for Entertainment 720.Copy !req
68. Is Entertainment 720
running for office?Copy !req
69. It's a small business.Copy !req
70. You're trying to
show people you haveCopy !req
71. a good relationship
with small businesses.Copy !req
72. Now the party?
That's all about you, boo.Copy !req
73. Okay. Then shouldn't my face
be on these rugs?Copy !req
74. I'm sorry, no.Copy !req
75. It's always been a dream of mine to be a rug,
and it's finally happened.Copy !req
76. Tom, now is not
the time for youCopy !req
77. to explore your
weird dreams, okay?Copy !req
78. I want all of this gone.
All of it.Copy !req
79. Except that cake. Keep that cake
here. Just scrape off the words.Copy !req
80. Donna? Blue shirt,
badge, night stick.Copy !req
81. You are a policewoman.Copy !req
82. Yep. You're a regular...Copy !req
83. Sherlock Holmes. I solved
that mystery before you did.Copy !req
84. Okay, this was fun.Copy !req
85. Andy, you are U.F.C. legend,
Chuck Liddell. That's right.Copy !req
86. Girl from The Ring.Copy !req
87. To me,
Sherlock Holmes is literallyCopy !req
88. the greatest character
in the Western canon.Copy !req
89. Smart, intuitive, handsome.Copy !req
90. Replace his pasty
British frailtyCopy !req
91. with superhuman physical fitness,
and you get...Copy !req
92. Sherlock Traeger.Copy !req
93. Mr. Potato Head.
That's right.Copy !req
94. Hey,
where's my lovely daughter tonight? She's at home.Copy !req
95. I knew that
you would be here,Copy !req
96. and I was worried
that you might beCopy !req
97. concerned seeing us
together at night.Copy !req
98. You're a very
thoughtful guy,Copy !req
99. but really,
I have no problemCopy !req
100. with the two of you
dating, really.Copy !req
101. I mean, look at you. You're just,
you know, beautiful.Copy !req
102. You're beautiful. On the
inside where your spirit lives.Copy !req
103. Listen. Tell her, "Come to the party,"
and I don't mind at all.Copy !req
104. Oh, good. I'll text her.Copy !req
105. Okay. You can text
without looking at your phone?Copy !req
106. I think it's rude
not to maintain eye contactCopy !req
107. with the people that I'm
talking to.Copy !req
108. That's from me.Copy !req
109. Wow! That's amazing!Copy !req
110. High five.
Wow.Copy !req
111. Hey. Ron. Good to see you.Copy !req
112. Weren't you
a pirate last year?Copy !req
113. Yes. This is my
Halloween costume.Copy !req
114. Andrew, are you aware that
your bathroom faucet is leaking?Copy !req
115. Are you kidding me? I just
stuffed a sock in it yesterday.Copy !req
116. What else
do they want me to do?Copy !req
117. There's an exposed wire
above the bathtub as well.Copy !req
118. Oh, yeah. Shock wire.Copy !req
119. I call it that, 'cause if you take a shower,
and you touch the wire,Copy !req
120. you die!Copy !req
121. Yes, that is accurate.Copy !req
122. Do you have a tool box?
Yeah.Copy !req
123. No home is complete
without a proper toolbox.Copy !req
124. Here's April and Andy's.Copy !req
125. A hammer, half of a pretzel,Copy !req
126. baseball card, some cartridge
that says Sonic and Hedgehog,Copy !req
127. a scissor half,
and a flashlight.Copy !req
128. Filled with jelly beans.Copy !req
129. Although I have not worked
with you professionally,Copy !req
130. as a private citizen,Copy !req
131. I have personally patronizedCopy !req
132. each and every one
of your establishments.Copy !req
133. I've never seen you buy
a salad at Sue's Salads.Copy !req
134. That's because
I don't hate myself, Tania.Copy !req
135. I'm sorry. I know I should
be chasing your vote,Copy !req
136. but I stand
behind my decisionCopy !req
137. to avoid salad
and other disgusting things.Copy !req
138. And I think I have a lot of
support in the community for that.Copy !req
139. Despite the fact that this
seems like a party for Tom's face,Copy !req
140. uh, I think
it's going pretty well.Copy !req
141. When in doubt,
in Pawnee, slam salad.Copy !req
142. I'm just especially thankful that you could come,
Mr. President.Copy !req
143. Martin.
Martin.Copy !req
144. You were responsible for
the Harvest Festival, right?Copy !req
145. No. Yes. Well,
it was a team effort. I barely did anything.Copy !req
146. I held them back, actually.
They succeeded despite me.Copy !req
147. I'm sorry. I worked very hard
on that event. I'm just...Copy !req
148. Bureaucrats aren't used to bragging
about themselves.Copy !req
149. Tom, come over here and
talk about how great I am.Copy !req
150. Martin! Tom Haverford.
I threw this shindig.Copy !req
151. Yes. Tom, tell Martin how hard I
worked on the Harvest Festival.Copy !req
152. It was incredible.Copy !req
153. A lot of people say
the Harvest FestivalCopy !req
154. is what launched
Entertainment 720.Copy !req
155. No one says that.
I just said it.Copy !req
156. My company,
Entertainment 720,Copy !req
157. has an amazing business
opportunity for Kernston's.Copy !req
158. Mind if I steal you away a few seconds,
give you the 'tails?Copy !req
159. The 'tails?
The details.Copy !req
160. Most people would probably
say the deets. I say the 'tails.Copy !req
161. Just one example
of innovation.Copy !req
162. Look, I don't like to throw around
the word butt-head too often.Copy !req
163. If you call
everybody a butt-head,Copy !req
164. then it kind of
loses its impact.Copy !req
165. But I can say
without hesitationCopy !req
166. that Tom is
being a real dick.Copy !req
167. Hey. You stole the Nipple King. Thanks a lot,
traitor.Copy !req
168. I'm sorry. I just needed to
ask him about this one thing.Copy !req
169. But we're all good now. What if I
just introduce you for your speech?Copy !req
170. I have a better idea. Why don't
you go over to one of your rugsCopy !req
171. and sit on your own face? I
don't need your help anymore.Copy !req
172. Hi,
there. Is there a project you're working on?Copy !req
173. I know more than you.
All right.Copy !req
174. When April
and Andy married,Copy !req
175. I didn't get them
a wedding present.Copy !req
176. In my experience,
wedding presents are nothing moreCopy !req
177. than kindling on
the divorce bonfire.Copy !req
178. But I think I found a way I can
really help them make a home.Copy !req
179. You, bean bag,
come with me.Copy !req
180. I'm an eggplant.Copy !req
181. I don't care. Come with me. Why?Copy !req
182. I need small hands.Copy !req
183. I'm scared.Copy !req
184. Look who decided to join the party. Bro,
that's awesome!Copy !req
185. Where's your costume?Copy !req
186. Honey,
he's wearing a costume. He's going as lame.Copy !req
187. That's a pretty
good costume, actually.Copy !req
188. But I think the Batman costume is
way better. You should go wear that.Copy !req
189. Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna put on a costume,Copy !req
190. because I'm not really attending
this party that's at my house.Copy !req
191. Hey, listen, if you're mad about something,
you should just...Copy !req
192. No. I'm not.
I'm not mad.Copy !req
193. Really? Listen,
I feel like you are mad.Copy !req
194. So maybe you should
just talk to us about it.Copy !req
195. My name's Ben. I'm mad.Copy !req
196. All right. That was
great. Thank you. So soft.Copy !req
197. Soft lips.
Thanks for that.Copy !req
198. Your fingers are salty.
I'm going to finish my work.Copy !req
199. Orin, no! No! Stay out!Copy !req
200. Pawnee has suffered
through a tough economy,Copy !req
201. and what has kept our town alive is you,
the small businessman.Copy !req
202. And I'm not referring
to your stature, Gary.Copy !req
203. You are a giant
in this community.Copy !req
204. So many businesses
represented here today.Copy !req
205. Food and Stuff, J.J.'s Diner,Copy !req
206. Glennmore Discount Cemetery,
Tramp Stamp Tattoos,Copy !req
207. Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough
Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium.Copy !req
208. Who else? Sue's Salads.Copy !req
209. Ooh!Copy !req
210. Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes,
Geoff's Savings and Loan...Copy !req
211. And Entertainment 720.Copy !req
212. Thank you so much for that
amazing intro, Leslie.Copy !req
213. Hi, folks.
My name is Tom Haverford,Copy !req
214. and I am here to
tell you a little bitCopy !req
215. about Pawnee's
premiere entertainmentCopy !req
216. and multi-media
conglomerate...Copy !req
217. Entertainment 720 Where dreams come,
they come trueCopy !req
218. How about we watch
this brief promotional film?Copy !req
219. What?Copy !req
220. Entertainment 720 has been a
fixture of this community since June.Copy !req
221. Tom, listen to me. Turn that off
or give me the remote right now.Copy !req
222. It's short. Can you
let it play, please?Copy !req
223. You're lucky that
Martin Kernston is here,Copy !req
224. 'cause you're gonna
need another nipple.Copy !req
225. Why?Copy !req
226. There. I think I got it.
Yep, you got it.Copy !req
227. Can you at least
tell me what you're doing?Copy !req
228. I'm a homeowner. I would
like to actually learn something.Copy !req
229. Yeah, I'm tightening the
valve stem into the valve shank.Copy !req
230. I'm replacing the handle,
and then tightening the set screw,Copy !req
231. which will hold it
in place. Now...Copy !req
232. Oh,
my God. We made it work.Copy !req
233. It's a good feeling. Sense
of accomplishment and pride.Copy !req
234. Damn it,
I just love it so much.Copy !req
235. Are you okay?
Great.Copy !req
236. I'm going to go
around this houseCopy !req
237. and fix everything I can
find that needs fixing.Copy !req
238. You want to help?
I really do.Copy !req
239. Good. That's next.Copy !req
240. I can't reveal my identity because
of various corporate enemies.Copy !req
241. But suffice it to say I run a fairly
popular social networking site.Copy !req
242. And let's face it,Copy !req
243. booking E 720 was the
smartest decision I ever made.Copy !req
244. I hope you liked this story.Copy !req
245. I invented Facebook.Copy !req
246. Wow. Okay. Um...Copy !req
247. I know that video seemed
like the rantings of a lunaticCopy !req
248. pretending to be
Mark Zuckerberg.Copy !req
249. That's who that was?
No.Copy !req
250. That is impressive.Copy !req
251. We're not gonna waste
any more of your time.Copy !req
252. Agreed.
Let's get right to it.Copy !req
253. Please welcome the
E 720 Mailing List Divas!Copy !req
254. I want all y'all to write down
the name and direct phone lineCopy !req
255. for whoever is in charge of
hiring independent contractorsCopy !req
256. for your business!Copy !req
257. Now, come join me and
let's all take a dip inCopy !req
258. the E 720 Mobile Hot Tub!Copy !req
259. It's parked right outside.
Let's go!Copy !req
260. Hey, Ben.
Hey.Copy !req
261. I thought you weren't
coming to the party.Copy !req
262. Well, I'm just
having a Butterfinger.Copy !req
263. Oh, really?
Is that okay?Copy !req
264. No. If you're not part of the party,
you can't have the candy.Copy !req
265. Back up.
All right.Copy !req
266. Back up.
Okay.Copy !req
267. I have one sister.
We steal each other's stuff,Copy !req
268. hack each other's
Twitter accounts,Copy !req
269. set each other's
clothes on fire.Copy !req
270. There are no rules.Copy !req
271. We need to deal with
what's bothering you.Copy !req
272. Oh, please,
come into my room.Copy !req
273. See, you're angry at me,
and you're not talking about it.Copy !req
274. And I'm going to beat you up until you do,
because I'm mature.Copy !req
275. What are you... Stop it.Copy !req
276. I grew up with five brothers,
and we fought using the Dwyer method,Copy !req
277. which was yelling,
wrestling, cryingCopy !req
278. Followed by lots of hugs.Copy !req
279. And then more wrestling,
but the fun kind.Copy !req
280. And then crying when the fun
kind of wrestling got out of hand.Copy !req
281. Can you let me go? Not
until you tell me what's wrong.Copy !req
282. Mr. President,
I just want to apologizeCopy !req
283. for the actions of
that little weasel.Copy !req
284. Leslie, I'm a frugal man. I don't
like extravagance or showmanship.Copy !req
285. That's why
I cut my own hair.Copy !req
286. And it's what's made me
a successful businessman.Copy !req
287. So if Entertainment 720 is
the kind of business you trust,Copy !req
288. I'm afraid you and I
don't share the same values.Copy !req
289. There you are,
you little bastard.Copy !req
290. Get out of there
right now.Copy !req
291. Leslie,
can you do me a favor and just let me sit here?Copy !req
292. Tom, get out of your stupid
limousine hot tub right now,Copy !req
293. or we are
no longer friends.Copy !req
294. I'm not getting out.Copy !req
295. Fine. Then I'm getting in.Copy !req
296. Listen to me.Copy !req
297. You know what you are?
Get away from me!Copy !req
298. You're such a little
selfish punk, okay?Copy !req
299. Just because
you want somethingCopy !req
300. doesn't mean that
everybody has to bow to...Copy !req
301. Listen to me. You didn't
even let me have my one night.Copy !req
302. Look at me. I don't
want to see your face.Copy !req
303. Look at me. I don't
want to see your face.Copy !req
304. I've been looking
at your face all night. God!Copy !req
305. I'm sorry.
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
306. My company
is bankrupt, okay?Copy !req
307. Entertainment 720 is dead.Copy !req
308. Oh, man.Copy !req
309. Excuse us!Copy !req
310. Nice form, son.Copy !req
311. Make sure you keep a firm
pressure on the cranium.Copy !req
312. On the cranium?Copy !req
313. Listen up. I have to turn
off the power for one minute.Copy !req
314. We're going to go dark,
people. Bear with us, okay?Copy !req
315. We've got to switch
off the main fuse hose.Copy !req
316. It's just a fuse. It's just a fuse,
people. Just a fuse.Copy !req
317. Well, maybe we should
get out of this hot tub.Copy !req
318. I'm too sad to get out,
and I'm all pruney.Copy !req
319. What happened?
I don't know.Copy !req
320. I guess I just didn't
moisturize enough this morning,Copy !req
321. and I've been laying around
here.. . With the company, Tom.Copy !req
322. We're hemorrhaging cash
ever since we opened.Copy !req
323. They say you've got to
spend money to make money.Copy !req
324. Well, I don't know where we went
wrong. We spent all of our money.Copy !req
325. Okay.
You know what you need?Copy !req
326. Some good old-fashioned
comfort food.Copy !req
327. Where we gonna
get albacore tunaCopy !req
328. with crispy onions
at this hour?Copy !req
329. Come on.Copy !req
330. I'd say you've got the
handle on that torque wrench.Copy !req
331. Yeah, well, the flange
was a little warped,Copy !req
332. so I just goosed it with
a triple-three bolt smack.Copy !req
333. That was nonsense.Copy !req
334. I know, but it's so fun
to talk like that.Copy !req
335. You know what? Keep this.Copy !req
336. You earned it.Copy !req
337. Thanks, Ron.Copy !req
338. I need to get more chips.
Great.Copy !req
339. Let's go.Copy !req
340. Come on. Walk.
No.Copy !req
341. This is a pacifist protest. Had
enough? You need to let go of me.Copy !req
342. Yeah! Get it! That's
good. Here we go. No. No.Copy !req
343. Let go of me!
He's got his back!Copy !req
344. Come on! Fight me!
No. No. No.Copy !req
345. Oh!Copy !req
346. Nice! Yeah! Oh,
my God. Andy, I am so sorry.Copy !req
347. Psych! Blood capsules.Copy !req
348. Oh!Copy !req
349. What?
Yeah!Copy !req
350. I wanted to shock you
into expressing your anger.Copy !req
351. And that way.. .
My nose is broken.Copy !req
352. Oh,
my God. I've got to go to the hospital.Copy !req
353. Oh, my God.
Didn't it feel good?Copy !req
354. Come here.
Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
355. Wow, I thought you guys
were doing great.Copy !req
356. I remember trying
to hire you once,Copy !req
357. and you said
you were all booked up.Copy !req
358. That was a business tactic.
For the first two weeks,Copy !req
359. we told everyone we were booked
solid to make people want us more.Copy !req
360. Oh, no. That's the stupidest
idea I've ever heard.Copy !req
361. Well, hindsight is 20/20.Copy !req
362. Kind of seems like
regular sightCopy !req
363. should have
caught that one.Copy !req
364. Also, your logo,
it's the worst logo I've ever seen.Copy !req
365. It doesn't make any sense.
It's gibberish.Copy !req
366. We made some mistakes.Copy !req
367. Tonight was my last chance to land a big client,
and I failed again.Copy !req
368. God, it's so embarrassing.Copy !req
369. Hey, Tom. You're a smart guy
and charming occasionally.Copy !req
370. You're going to have
a lot more good ideas.Copy !req
371. Thanks.Copy !req
372. I'm sorry I screwed up
your campaign thing.Copy !req
373. I really wanted
to do a good job.Copy !req
374. I made you this
amazing video biography.Copy !req
375. Of my life?
It's back at the office.Copy !req
376. Well, let's eat and go.Copy !req
377. Didn't I ask for whipped
cream on this? Ma'am?Copy !req
378. Oh. Does it hurt?Copy !req
379. Yeah. You broke my nose, so.. .
I'm sorry.Copy !req
380. But I don't even care. Just get it all out there,
man. Go.Copy !req
381. All right. Maybe you
have to start thinkingCopy !req
382. about how your
actions affect me.Copy !req
383. Like, tell me about stuff
happening in the house.Copy !req
384. Stop referring to my
bedroom as a common space.Copy !req
385. Stop using my comforter
for your pillow forts.Copy !req
386. Just respect me.Copy !req
387. Absolutely.
Really?Copy !req
388. Yep. And in return,
I'll only ask for one thing,Copy !req
389. which is for you to pay
for studio recording timeCopy !req
390. for my band
to do our new album.Copy !req
391. It's going to be about
5,600 bucks. Deal?Copy !req
392. That's not
going to happen.Copy !req
393. Here's something for
the pain and some ice packs.Copy !req
394. You his friend?
Him?Copy !req
395. Hell, no.Copy !req
396. We're brothers.Copy !req
397. Excuse me. Hey.
Hi.Copy !req
398. We should go.
I'm blocking an ambulance.Copy !req
399. Ew. If your nose
is all weird after this,Copy !req
400. I'm totally
going to divorce you.Copy !req
401. Whatever. I'm going
to divorce you firstCopy !req
402. for wearing my
favorite hoodie.Copy !req
403. Is everything cool?Copy !req
404. Yeah. It is.
Let's go.Copy !req
405. We just can't use Ben's comforters
anymore for our pillow forts.Copy !req
406. What are we
going to have sex on?Copy !req
407. The year was 1975.Copy !req
408. It was a time of trouble.Copy !req
409. Watergate.
Well, I'm not a crook.Copy !req
410. Vietnam,
Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.Copy !req
411. But then a ray of hope.Copy !req
412. Leslie Barbara Knope was
born on January 18th, 1975,Copy !req
413. and she has been a loyal patron
of its businesses ever since.Copy !req
414. Tom Haverford is a selfish,
unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting,Copy !req
415. good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful,
tiny little person.Copy !req
416. He went to Kernston's office and
basically begged him to meet with me again.Copy !req
417. I think he technically
might have bribed him.Copy !req
418. But hey, you know,
whatever works.Copy !req
419. It was Mary Pickford
who once said,Copy !req
420. "This thing we call failure
is not the falling down,Copy !req
421. "but the staying down."Copy !req
422. Tom won't be down for long.Copy !req
423. Her name is Leslie Knope,
and I'm going to vote for her.Copy !req
424. And if Li'l Sebastian were still alive,
he'd surely vote for her.Copy !req
425. And I reckon you should too.Copy !req
426. Did you like it? It's pretty great,
right? I worked really hard on it.Copy !req
427. Yeah. I loved it.Copy !req
428. I'm going to watch it every
day for the rest of my life.Copy !req
429. And when I die,
I'm going to project it on my tombstone.Copy !req
430. I had an amazing
time at that party.Copy !req
431. And in the case of the woman
who's stolen my heart,Copy !req
432. the culprit was
Millicent Gergich.Copy !req
433. You should look into
actual detective work.Copy !req
434. I will. And, Jerry,
I've decided to take your daughter home.Copy !req
435. And we may be
having intercourse.Copy !req
436. Please,
you've got to stop saying things like that to me.Copy !req
437. You got it, man.
Bye, Dad.Copy !req
438. Everything okay?
I can't find my car keys.Copy !req
439. Solve this mystery, genius.Copy !req