Parks and Recreation 4x22

1. I will certify the results after all the precincts have reported.

2. A final tally within 1% will trigger an automatic recount.

3. In the event of an exact tie, the seat is awarded to the male candidate,

4. and the female candidate is put in jail.

5. Once again, I have to object.

6. I don't think it would hold up in court, but it is city law.

7. Any questions? Yes, actually.

8. At the eleventh hour, the Newports

9. are trying to install these voting machines

10. in several precincts around town.

11. Watch what happens when I vote for Bobby Newport.

12. Shouldn't we be rewarding our citizens for voting?

13. I'm never against anyone getting a candy bar.

14. But watch what happens when you vote for me.

15. Then, you have to press it again.

16. I'm sorry. I just don't see the problem.

17. Okay, everyone. Ahem!

18. Today is election day,

19. as we all know, and I'd just like to say a few words.

20. Okay.

21. Six months ago we came together...

22. Again?

23. You're getting tears in my Eggs Florentine.

24. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm going to try again later. Okay?

25. Bobby Newport and I are separated by a razor-thin margin.

26. Could go either way.

27. I've only slept nine hours over the past four days.

28. So, I'm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

29. This isn't a bagel.

30. Since Leslie is an embarrassing disaster,

31. let me go over tonight's agenda.

32. Party starts at 7:00

33. in the historic Jermaine Jackson Ballroom at the Pawnee SuperSuites.

34. It is no longer a "Pimps and Hoes" pajama party.

35. That idea was nixed by a certain

36. uptight nerd who shall remain nameless.

37. By 10:00, we should know if Leslie won the election.

38. But more importantly, tonight, Ann and I are getting back together.

39. Oh, right. Because of a dream you had?

40. Last night, at approximately 2:30 a.m. ,

41. I woke up from a dream that felt so real

42. that it had to be a premonition.

43. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl

44. were playing baccarat on a private jet.

45. Ann Perkins walks up to me, and she says,

46. "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back."

47. Then, Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million.

48. It was all so real.

49. Do me a favor there, Dana.

50. Reach into that crate, pull out a bottle of single malt scotch,

51. pour me four fingers of it and throw away the cap.

52. Sorry, I only have blended whisky.

53. Why? Are children even allowed at this event?

54. Nobody touches this but me.

55. It's been a long, hard-fought campaign.

56. I have been forced to do many things I don't enjoy,

57. like write things down and speak with people.

58. But now I'm alone, I have my favorite whisky, things are looking up.

59. Bacon-wrapped shrimp?

60. Thank you, ma'am. I'll take it from here.

61. Okay.

62. Just keep it in the pocket.

63. Hey! You guys all set?

64. Yeah. What we did is I wrote two versions

65. of my amazing campaign anthem Catch Your Dream.

66. If we win, I sing...

67. Catch your dream and shackle it to your heart

68. But if we lose, I'm just going to sing...

69. Screw your dream

70. Shackle it up its own butt

71. So?

72. Well, I hope she wins.

73. Oh, gosh, me too.

74. Oh!

75. April!

76. Honey? No, no, no, hey, okay.

77. Calm down. I'll be right there.

78. You guys, April's in trouble. I have to go.

79. If I die before I get back, Rivers, you're the new me.

80. Chang, you're the new Rivers.

81. Burly, you're out of the band. I'm the only one who likes you.

82. Okay, Later, dudes.

83. How do you feel, Bobby?

84. So good. You have no idea.

85. I'm super psyched this is over. It's been hard.

86. The reason why Bobby and I are appearing together

87. is to send the message that everyone should get out and vote,

88. no matter who they're voting for.

89. That's right. Another awesome point by Leslie.

90. That's why I'm voting for you.

91. What's so funny?

92. They were laughing at your joke.

93. What joke? I am voting for you.

94. You're not voting for yourself?

95. Leslie, you can't vote for yourself,

96. I don't think. I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

97. Anything else?

98. Bobby, if you won, what would be your first thing...

99. Hey. You did an unbelievable job on this campaign, Ben.

100. My partners back in Washington think so, too.

101. Well, Leslie gets the credit, not me.

102. Look. Your opponent is legendarily stupid,

103. and I phoned it in pretty hard.

104. But you have a knack for this.

105. I'm running Congressman Murray's re-election bid.

106. Ohio Nineteen.

107. I need someone to coordinate out of D.C.

108. You want to do it?

109. Yeah. That sounds great, but the Pacers called,

110. and they're asking me to be their starting point guard.

111. I'm being serious, Ben.

112. What? What, you'd trust me with a congressional campaign?

113. Is this a trick?

114. No, this is a job offer.

115. Give me your answer soon. I'd need you in Washington in two days.

116. Look at that. Look at that thing. What is that?

117. Don't touch it.

118. Look at that little cap.

119. Okay, we need to collect every single piece of paper in this room

120. and put it in these boxes.

121. And if anyone wants to help assemble Leslie's scrapbooks,

122. get a book and start scrapping.

123. Oh!

124. No, I said every single piece of paper.

125. It's half a napkin with "Steve" written on it.

126. This is Leslie Knope, okay? There is no such thing as trivial.

127. Everybody in this room, find out who Steve is. Immediately!

128. Ann Perkins. I'm so glad that I found you.

129. Ann, we dated and then we broke up.

130. And recently, I came to you and I told you

131. that I still have feelings for you,

132. but you did not feel the same way.

133. And I've gotten beyond it and now we're best friends.

134. Oh. I might actually say that Leslie's my best friend.

135. Mine, too. Can I ask your advice on something?

136. Sure.

137. Recently, in a moment of weakness, I had sex

138. with Bobby Newport's campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley.

139. Seriously? Yes, several times.

140. And then, several more times.

141. And then a couple more times.

142. And then one more time.

143. How long has this been going on?

144. Oh, it's just last night.

145. Now, I know that it's a one night stand, and that she's leaving town.

146. But our ferocious sexual decathlon did radically improve my mood,

147. and I'd kind of like to see her again before she leaves.

148. Good idea? Bad idea?

149. I don't know. I guess the campaign is over.

150. So, I suppose it couldn't hurt.

151. That is exactly the kind of careful consideration and positive feedback

152. that I've come to expect from my best friend.

153. Ann Perkins.

154. April? Got your message!

155. Where are you? Under the table.

156. Why are you hiding?

157. Should I hide, too? Babe, what's going on?

158. I was supposed to copy all the department files onto a thumb drive,

159. and it kept freezing and I got annoyed

160. and I don't know what happened,

161. but all of the files are gone.

162. On every computer.

163. They're all gone. Babe, they're all gone.

164. Okay. Okay, calm down.

165. First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table.

166. Secondly, your man is here.

167. I'm going to take care of this for us.

168. I've been playing Xbox for years.

169. I'm really good at fixing it when it freezes. I know exactly what to do.

170. Try it now.

171. I don't know. I feel like I'm forgetting something.

172. What about my speeches?

173. Finished both of them last night.

174. One if you win, one if you lose.

175. What if I tie?

176. You need to write a tie speech for me.

177. Something about the poetic nature of democracy,

178. and how I'm going to fight this thing from my prison cell.

179. Leslie, relax. We're done.

180. All that's left is the waiting. Okay?

181. What were you talking to Jen about?

182. Oh, nothing.

183. No, I just... Nothing.

184. She... She's... Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing.

185. Hey, what's a good place to buy jeans?

186. You have plenty of jeans.

187. What were you talking about? Okay.

188. Jen offered me a job working on a congressional campaign.

189. Oh, my God. That's amazing.

190. In Washington.

191. What?

192. Are you happy or angry?

193. I don't know. I don't know. What did you say? Did you say yes?

194. I haven't had a chance to think about it. I mean, it sounds amazing.

195. But six months in Washington, D.C

196. away from you.

197. But we should talk about it.

198. Yeah, we'll just talk about it. We'll mull it over.

199. We'll look at it from every side,

200. et cetera, et cetera. I'm going to go vote.

201. Just fulfill a lifelong dream of mine

202. and achieve one of my all-time happiest moments real quick.

203. And then we will talk about it.

204. Cool.

205. Leslie, I can't figure this thing out. Can you help me?

206. Yeah. Just hang on a second, Bobby.

207. I got ink all over my hands, and the pen thingy came off the chain.

208. I don't get it.

209. (ON TV) The polls have just closed,

210. and now, we're getting results in the race for City Council.

211. With just 1% of the precincts reporting,

212. adult film star, Brandi Maxxxx, has a commanding lead.

213. Oh, my God. That's it. It's over. I've lost.

214. Leslie, it's nine votes.

215. Yeah, and Brandi Maxxxx has six of them.

216. It's not Bobby Newport who's going to beat me. It's Brandi Maxxxx.

217. The porn star. What is this, Italy?

218. Listen, I know you're stressed out. And I figured you would be,

219. so I took the liberty of arranging a fun little activity for us.

220. You did? Ann, thank you so much.

221. I've said this to you before, and I know it makes you uncomfortable.

222. Oh, boy. But you're thoughtful and you're brilliant,

223. and your ambiguous ethnic blend

224. perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.

225. Okay, let's go. Okay.

226. Another, Dana. Please and thank you.

227. Ron? I handed out 1,000 leaflets today.

228. That is a personal best.

229. Now, I'm off to vote.

230. The polls are closed.

231. What? No, no, no. I thought that they closed at 8:00.

232. 6:00.

233. Oh, my God. Ron, I didn't get to vote for Leslie.

234. Oh, my God. What do I do?

235. Nothing you can do.

236. Except hope Leslie doesn't lose by one vote.

237. 9% of precincts reporting,

238. and it's razor-thin. And getting razor-thinner.

239. Oh, boy.

240. No. No.

241. Jen Barkley.

242. Hey. What are you doing here? That was fun last night, you little screamer.

243. There were moments that I didn't fully understand

244. some of the physical shapes that we were making.

245. But the sensations were amazing.

246. So, I just went with it. Great.

247. Well, I thought that we could just talk before you left town.

248. If that's okay. No.

249. But there's a supply room over there with a futon.

250. Great.

251. Not yet. Just wait.

252. We're just getting supplies. Anybody need anything?

253. Push pins, or.. . Okay, great.

254. Please hurry.

255. I told her it's a matter of life and death.

256. Honey, Donna's been here forever.

257. She's going to know what to do. What if she doesn't?

258. I could get fired.

259. Or even worse, Leslie might give me

260. a lecture on responsibility again.

261. I can't do it.

262. I'll tell you what, honey. Here's the deal. You get fired,

263. I'll quit, and we'll leave together.

264. I'm serious. Move to a new city, change our names,

265. burn our fingertips off with acid,

266. swap faces. What?

267. If we have to.

268. Let's just say tomorrow we had to start over from scratch,

269. which we probably will because of your massive mess-up,

270. what would you do?

271. Me, I've always wanted to be a scientist, like when I do my experiments.

272. I quantified that the Red Bull would dissolve that toy pirate by now.

273. Nature.

274. I want to be a warrior princess witch.

275. In this new world, you can be anything you want.

276. Or a substitute teacher.

277. You would be so good as a substitute teacher.

278. Dream big, kid.

279. Good. Yes. Nice. Keep punching.

280. Did I hit your boob? Sorry. No.

281. Great form.

282. Maybe. I have no idea, actually.

283. I don't know what I'm doing.

284. Yeah! That was good. I'm exhausted. How long was that?

285. Twenty-two seconds.

286. Boy, that's disappointing.

287. What are you going to do about Ben?

288. I've been running for office the entire time we've been dating.

289. We're just about to get our lives back.

290. It would kill me if he left.

291. Then tell him that. Go find him and tell him how you feel.

292. And then the two of you can work it out together.

293. Election results, Ann. Ann.

294. Ann, I can't read it. Okay.

295. Ann, my hands. Don't panic. Here.

296. My hands, Ann. They're in these round gloves.

297. Okay. "20% of the precincts reporting.

298. "Bobby Newport is up by 140 votes."

299. Okay. Let's get your hands back up. Okay.

300. Let's go another eight seconds.

301. Oh, God, I'm so tired.

302. Gin and tonic, please.

303. Belay that order, Dana.

304. Lagavulin, neat. Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

305. Hey, can I ask you about something?

306. Never mind. Sorry.

307. Forgot. You don't like talking to other people about anything.

308. What's on your mind, son?

309. It's a special night and I've had half a bottle of whisky.

310. All right.

311. Well, Jen Barkley offered me a job in Washington.

312. A great job.

313. It'd be exciting. I'd meet new people. Live in D.C.

314. But I think Leslie wants me to stay.

315. What would you do?

316. Well, I've never been one for meeting new people or doing new things

317. or eating new types of food, or traveling outside of Southern Indiana.

318. I've had the same haircut since 1978,

319. and I've driven the same car since 1991.

320. I've used the same wooden comb for three decades.

321. I have one bowl.

322. I still get my milk delivered by horse.

323. You do?

324. But you and Leslie like to hold hands

325. and jump off of cliffs together,

326. into the great unknown.

327. You two have a good relationship.

328. I don't personally know what that's like,

329. but I'm given to understand it means you're going to land on your feet.

330. So, you really want things to just stay exactly the same.

331. I like some changes.

332. Like when I change a tree into a canoe.

333. Or a wife into an ex-wife.

334. But if Leslie wins, you get my old job. Assistant City Manager, right?

335. Seems that way.

336. Then good luck, to the both of us.

337. Hey!

338. I have an update that contains new information.

339. With 74% of the precincts reporting,

340. Leslie Knope is now winning by 192 votes.

341. Thank God. Oh, Lord, please, please, let her win. Please let her win.

342. Please let her win. Please let her win.

343. I don't know, Tommy.

344. I mean, I've been back and forth a million times.

345. On the one hand, I do, amazingly, like you.

346. Aw! I know you do, cookie tush.

347. On the other hand, you are ridiculous

348. and our relationship was like a roller coaster ride through Idiotville.

349. I'm not going to argue with that.

350. So, I just don't know how seriously I can take us.

351. I'm sorry, Tommy. I just...

352. I don't think it's a good idea right now.

353. I don't get it. It's like there's two Anns.

354. There's the one in my dream, who wants to get back together with me,

355. and then, there's the one in real life,

356. who also want to get back together with me

357. but just refuses to admit it.

358. That was eye-opening.

359. I'll tell you, Chris,

360. I'm not going to miss much about this ridiculous nothing town,

361. but I am going to miss you.

362. Thank you. That's nice to hear.

363. So, is there any way that we could keep this going,

364. even though you're going to be in Washington D.C.?

365. On a casual basis, of course. Hmm.

366. Let me think that over.

367. Hey, the latest numbers just came in.

368. Do you want to take a look at these?

369. Nah. Thanks, though.

370. I'm going to just say this.

371. And I realized this after speaking

372. with my best friend and relationship advisor,

373. Ann Perkins, from the Department of Health.

374. Yes, I know Ann.

375. I don't want you to go to Washington.

376. I know it's an amazing opportunity.

377. But in just a few minutes, all this craziness is going to be over

378. and I just want to have dinner with you.

379. Like normal people.

380. Yeah. Then, I won't go.

381. Really? Yeah.

382. Easy. I mean, I was on the fence about it anyway.

383. I mean, Washington is really far away,

384. and I don't know if I want to work with Jen.

385. I mean, this just seals the deal. I'll stay.

386. Thank God. What a relief.

387. Guys.

388. It's been neck-and-neck. Too close to call all night.

389. But now, we're ready to make a call in the race for City Council.

390. Bobby Newport... Oh, no.

391. scion of the Sweetums candy empire and amateur go-kart champion,

392. has won the race.

393. Why are you laughing?

394. Because my dream is dead.

395. Oh, oh,

396. Recount. There's a recount.

397. Oh, come on. It's over. Just concede.

398. Newport won by 21 votes. That's well within the margin for a recount.

399. Please don't do this.

400. I really want to get out of here. How about this?

401. Why don't I make you guys a deal?

402. Okay, there's no deal in the world that we would ever possibly...

403. I'll give you Joe Biden's home phone number.

404. Now, hang on. That's interesting.

405. No, honey, you're not thinking clearly.

406. Just concede.

407. Bobby wants to move into his new office first thing in the morning.

408. They're already measuring the walls for his Lamborghini posters.

409. No! Mr. Commissioner, it is black and white.

410. The recount has to start immediately. It's the law.

411. And I'm not leaving until you make the call.

412. He's right, Ms. Barkley. It will start right away. Keep your phones on.

413. Terrence!

414. I just want to go home.

415. Hey. Any news?

416. They said the recount could take two hours, but who knows?

417. It probably won't be one vote though, right?

418. I mean, like either way. That won't happen, right?

419. Man, this is stressful. I picked

420. the wrong week to do a juice cleanse.

421. Okay. I think Leslie should say something to the troops,

422. just to get everyone's spirits up.

423. Where is she? I don't know.

424. She's not answering her phone.

425. Okay, so no one knows where she is?

426. We could be getting the recount results any moment

427. and we don't know where our candidate is.

428. What the hell, Jerry?

429. Sorry, that was unfair.

430. Thank you. Find her.

431. That's a nice chair. Corinthian leather.

432. Solid mahogany frame with, what I believe,

433. are hand-cut mortise and tenon joints.

434. Pinned with oak.

435. I was really looking forward to sitting in it.

436. I figured this might be my last chance.

437. You don't know that.

438. Ron, for the last six months, my friends have worked so hard.

439. Every five-minute coffee-break at work.

440. Every night, every weekend, every spare moment of their lives,

441. they gave to me.

442. If I lose, I'll never forgive myself.

443. You deserve to win.

444. We didn't volunteer to help you

445. because we wanted to wrap ourselves in personal glory.

446. We did it because we care about you.

447. You had a dream, and we wanted to support your dream.

448. That's what you do when you care about someone.

449. You support them. Win, lose, or draw.

450. What the hell's the matter with me tonight?

451. I've willingly engaged in about 10 conversations.

452. Why does everyone always come to me for advice?

453. Because you're so warm and cuddly and approachable.

454. Let's go back to the party. You drive. I've had 11 whiskeys.

455. You already said New Caprica.

456. We got plenty of places to live.

457. Let's go back to our dream jobs.

458. I've got "Detective, F.B.I. agent, policeman, C.I.A. agent.

459. "Shoeshine guy." Because I know how to do that already.

460. So, we need more for you. Let's go.

461. Andy.

462. It's fun. I'm trying to help you

463. take your mind off of this horrible mistake you made,

464. deleting all these files.

465. Probably the worst thing that ever happened in Parks and Rec history.

466. Oh, my God. You'll most certainly get fired.

467. And I'm trying to help. My God.

468. So, dream jobs. Go. Dream big, kid!

469. Fine. A dental hygienist who's also a medium,

470. so I can clean people's teeth and tell them when they're going to die.

471. That's brilliant.

472. Let's make this fast.

473. I almost made it with Councilman Howser before you interrupted us.

474. Which files did you delete?

475. All of them.

476. I just put this stupid flash drive in,

477. and then I tried to drag everything over...

478. Fixed it.

479. What? What?

480. How? Jerry accidentally

481. deletes things all the time.

482. Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.

483. You saved us, Donna.

484. I love you.

485. Okay. Bring it in, boy.

486. There you are. Thank God.

487. We're going to get the final results any minute.

488. I know. Do you have both my speeches?

489. Yes. You seem calmer than I expected you'd be.

490. I got you something.

491. Let me open it for you.

492. You have to go to Washington.

493. I told you I'm turning it down.

494. I was being selfish. You put your whole life on hold for me.

495. The very least I can do is try to return the favor.

496. Are you sure about this?

497. We can make it work.

498. I'll go visit you, then you come visit me, then I go visit you again,

499. and then we make out in the Lincoln Bedroom

500. and the Jefferson Memorial

501. and the Supreme Court Gallery. We'll do it all over Washington.

502. Thank you.

503. Where did you get a Washington Monument figurine

504. at midnight on a Tuesday?

505. From my office. I have, like, 50 of them.

506. Right.

507. The recount's over. They just called the race.

508. Oh, God.

509. It's still 21 votes.

510. But you won.

511. You won, Leslie. You won by 21 votes.

512. It's confirmed. It's over. You won.

513. That was really sneaky, Ann.

514. I know. I couldn't resist.

515. Catch your dream

516. Honestly, I have never been more relieved in my entire life.

517. I didn't ruin it. I thought I ruined it, but I didn't ruin it.

518. You're kind of ruining it now.

519. Great. That is great news. I'm going to see you in D.C.

520. Yeah, I guess you will. Yeah.

521. Damn it. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Chris.

522. Oh, he's just right over there.

523. He seems really busy.

524. Anyway, would you tell him I said goodbye? Great. Thank you.

525. Sorry we didn't get a chance to meet.

526. I'm Ann. That doesn't matter. I'm leaving.

527. We've got a dream We're going to chase it

528. Congratulations, Mr. Assistant City Manager.

529. I'm very grateful, Chris, but I think

530. I'm going to turn down the job.

531. Really? Why?

532. I like where I am.

533. Was someone just talking about a job opening?

534. Because guess who's got two thumbs

535. and was just cleared from insurance fraud?

536. This guy. You know?

537. Got off on a technicality. What's the gig? I'm in.

538. There's no job for you.

539. That's a smart move. Go with your gut, right? I'll talk to you guys soon.

540. Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.

541. Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable,

542. I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me.

543. I never wrote it.

544. And I know all of you know how hard she has worked to get here.

545. She is your next City Councilwoman from the great city of Pawnee,

546. ladies and gentlemen, my best friend in the world, Leslie Knope.

547. The idea behind this campaign was a simple one.

548. That, with hard work and positivity,

549. a group of people can make a difference.

550. During my term as your City Councilor...

551. Thank you.

552. I want to focus on your hopes, and not your fears.

553. I want to solve problems instead of creating friction.

554. And I will work hard, every hour of every day,

555. to make Pawnee a better place to live.

556. Because I love this city.

557. And I know, firsthand, how very special the people of this city are.

558. I owe this victory, all of it, to my friends and my supporters.

559. No one achieves anything alone.

560. So let's embark on a new journey together. Let's break out a map.

561. Not the old, out-of-date one that shows where we've been,

562. but a crisp new one that shows where we might go.

563. Let's embark on a new journey together.

564. And see where it takes us.

565. Tommy! This party was amazing.

566. You're amazing. You are ridiculous, but I like you.

567. And I think that we should date all of it.

568. Let's do it. Let's date.

569. This is my dream! "Nostratomus!"

570. It's happening. Awesome.

571. Hey, let's move in together.

572. Totally.

573. Really? Yeah.

574. All right. No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner.

575. No take-backs, partner.

576. We're cowboys.

577. Great win. Great night. Great year. Hot wife. Jackpot.

578. Good job, me.

579. Oh, my God. Babe, you know what?

580. Almost everything you wrote on that board as a dream job

581. was some type of police officer.

582. Yeah.

583. You ready to go? No, listen to me.

584. How does this sound? "Officer Dwyer, Pawnee P.D."

585. Guys, we're going to J.J.'s for victory waffles,

586. and then we're staying up all night

587. talking about our lives and our feelings.

588. Non-negotiable. Let's go. City Council, bitches!

589. Jerry forgot to vote.

590. Damn it, Jerry!