Parks and Recreation 4x18

1. It's my new interview outfit.

2. Like, "Hey, nice to meet you. Can't wait for the interview."

3. Um, maybe the hat? Yeah.

4. Lose this?

5. To win an election, you have to be good and you have to be lucky.

6. Buddy Wood hosts the number one morning show in Indianapolis.

7. And he wants to interview me for a series he's doing on local elections.

8. And last year, the five people that he profiled, all won.

9. This is a huge break for us.

10. Hey. Maybe we should put a pause on the fashion show.

11. We have to go over your talking points.

12. Keep going. I can still hear you.

13. Okay. Ms. Knope, what is going to be

14. your first major public works project?

15. Oh, I don't know.

16. But I bet these pants will work for the public.

17. Damn. Those pants look dope.

18. Right? Oh, my God. Those look great.

19. And I bet they'd look even better on Ben's floor.

20. Are you hitting on Leslie for me?

21. Wait a second. Just turn around?

22. What?

23. Oh.

24. It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters.

25. "Nympho" means you're addicted to sex.

26. And since it's on the butt, there's other implications as well.

27. So, those are a maybe.

28. Who was Laura Mulvey?

29. Laura Mulvey

30. was a guy.. . Girl.

31. Right. Women's Studies. They're all girls.

32. Laura Mulvey was a feminist film critic who wrote a major essay

33. that helped shift the orientation of film theory

34. to the psychoanalytical framework.

35. Treat, please.

36. I'm about to take my first ever final for my women's studies class.

37. Usually, tests scare me.

38. But this is an oral exam.

39. And if there's one thing I know is

40. my fantastic, it's talk.

41. God, I don't know. Man, I'm so nervous.

42. I know. I'm just going to call the professor.

43. And then, I'm going to get on the phone

44. and make some fake barfing sounds.

45. And then, I'm just going to bail. So, give me my phone.

46. No, Andrew. That's not how grownups handle tough situations.

47. Well, I.. . We face our fears head-on.

48. I told you. If you can't remember what some woman did,

49. just tear up and say, "She changed my life."

50. Yeah. That's a good call.

51. I think this is it. But do I need a hat?

52. Like a bowler or an edgy scarf?

53. No. Those endless scarves that come out of your sleeves like a magician.

54. Um, I think you should just go with something basic.

55. Just no-nonsense.

56. Mr. Wood, hello.

57. God, he is more tightly wound than ever.

58. Maybe we should see if he can pull that rod out of his butt

59. and we can hang some of those outfits on it.

60. Ann and I have the occasional rough patch in our relationship.

61. But right now, we're really in a groove.

62. We've gone 30 hours without breaking up.

63. Our personal best is 47 hours.

64. It happened when she was out of town for two days

65. and she forgot we were dating.

66. Well, let me know if anything changes. Thank you.

67. Interview's off. What?

68. What? Buddy has to fly back to Indianapolis early.

69. Something about a factory explosion.

70. Come on. Did anyone even get hurt?

71. Sorry.

72. First stroke of luck we've had and it's gone.

73. Okay. Well, we just have to work harder.

74. I mean, good news is we can call it a night

75. and get a super early start on our door-to-door tomorrow.

76. Ooh, that is great news.

77. And you know, we might even be able

78. to make it back in time for Boring Club.

79. Do you know who the President of Boring Club is?

80. Me? No.

81. You lost the election because your speech was too boring.

82. Hey. Why don't we all go get a drink?

83. Blow off some steam. Everybody's been working so hard.

84. Um, well, we're in the home stretch here,

85. and losing that interview didn't help.

86. I'm going to go over some polling numbers and turn in early.

87. I suggest you do the same.

88. Hey, Leslie. Give you a ride home?

89. Screw it. I've got a new outfit, my hair looks amazing,

90. and I have a serious excess of pre-interview adrenaline.

91. Who's gonna drink with me?

92. Ooh. Ooh!

93. Susan Bronwell or B. Anthony was born in Adams, Massachusetts, in 1820.

94. And she played a pivotal role in the institution of women's suffrage.

95. Andy. Treat, please.

96. Andy. Slow down. You're taking this class pass-fail.

97. So, I'm just looking for a free-wheeling discussion about, you know,

98. what you got from the class.

99. Oh, okay.

100. I would say what I find very cool

101. about Susan B. Anthony is

102. how she was born in Adams, Massachusetts in 1820.

103. You know? Just one man's opinion.

104. I passed! I got a P!

105. Congrats, babe. Yeah.

106. I was hoping for a P plus but that does not exist.

107. Right? Right.

108. Yes. So basically, best grade in the class.

109. Tied for the best grade in the class.

110. Ron, I am a college graduate now. No, you're not.

111. I'm a college course graduate.

112. And it's all because of you.

113. It's my pleasure, son.

114. I'm really proud of you.

115. How about a steak? Yeah!

116. Well, you guys have a good time.

117. Professor, why don't you come with us?

118. Is that cool? Sure.

119. We'll let you pay for your own food because of equality.

120. I guess now that the class is over, there's nothing wrong with it.

121. Are you going to wear that?

122. Okay, I'm calling it. I have a date with my bathtub,

123. a glass of red wine and a gigantic fireman named Marcus.

124. I'm going to keep plugging away for a bit.

125. You don't mind this work, do you?

126. Uh-uh.

127. I like it.

128. It makes sense to me.

129. Mmm.

130. This was such a good idea. Should we get another round?

131. Um, I think we should get a more basic, no-nonsense beverage.

132. Hey.

133. Maybe we should all just drink sensible portions of milk.

134. I love him.

135. It's just, this campaign has turned fun, dorky Ben

136. into grumpy stress-ball Ben. Hmm.

137. It's like dealing with a strict mother

138. who I am confusingly attracted to.

139. Hmm. Ben is like a MILF.

140. You just need to blow off some steam.

141. And he should just get that. Yeah.

142. You're Leslie Knope. Right. That's...

143. No one takes this more seriously than you do.

144. Totally. Tell me about it!

145. Yes!

146. Tequila shots? No!

147. Nice!

148. To Knope 2012.

149. Ahh.

150. Ding-dong.

151. Hello, Lady Knope. I mean, Leslie Knope.

152. Hey. Oh. Hey, Ben.

153. Where are you?

154. I am in the house, watching TV right now.

155. I'm watching.. . Murder, She Wrote.

156. Murder, She Wrote. I'm watching Murder, She Wrote.

157. Amazing news. Buddy Wood's flight was delayed.

158. So, if we can get to the airport right now, the interview is back on.

159. What? Wow.

160. What could be wrong with that?

161. Nothing. Anyway, here comes me. See you at the airport.

162. Great. I'll see you there as soon as possible.

163. Okay, bye.

164. The interview is back on.

165. Whoo! Yes!

166. I know. We are so drucky. I mean lunky.

167. Okay. Both the cabs in this town are busy,

168. but I still have eight hours of rental time

169. on that hot tub limousine that I got

170. for your campaign event and it's on its way.

171. That's smart. You're smart.

172. Diddly-diddly, diddly-diddly, swag.

173. You did it right! I did it right!

174. Thirty-three hours.

175. Okay, look. This interview is a big deal, you guys.

176. This is a game changer. Okay? I have to do well.

177. Listen. Let's do a practice interview.

178. Big idea, Ann. And see how you do.

179. Let's go.

180. Leslie, in your humble opinion... What?

181. Why are you from Russia?

182. I don't know.

183. Hey, Ron is the guy I wrote about

184. for that paper on positive male role models.

185. Oh, yeah. That was one of your most readable papers.

186. According to Andy, you're quite the feminist.

187. I don't consider myself an anything-ist,

188. but my life has been shaped by powerful women.

189. My father once told my mother that woman was made from the rib of Adam

190. and my mom broke his jaw.

191. My Uncle Lon once tried to...

192. Is that Chris?

193. Yeah, it really looks like him.

194. But there's no way to know for sure. We should ask him tomorrow.

195. Hey.

196. April Ludgate.

197. Why are you here, eating alone?

198. I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet.

199. And I'm engrossed in this book.

200. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs

201. who attempted to swim the English Channel.

202. That's impossible.

203. Oh, she drowned immediately.

204. It's kind of a sad story.

205. Cool.

206. I'm over there with people you actually know, if you want to come join us.

207. Thank you.

208. Bye, friend. Bye.

209. I'm sorry, Marcus. I'm going to have to cancel our bath.

210. Something interesting is happening. I'm going to watch it.

211. I don't know, Marcus. I'll hit you up when I hit you up.

212. Wow. I feel totally normal. I'm ready to do this.

213. Thank you for accommodating us on such short notice.

214. Hey. For Leslie Knope? Anytime.

215. Just let me know if you need anything else, all right?

216. Thanks, Paul. Hey, you got those new ID badges.

217. They finally upgraded us.

218. Security swipe and everything.

219. Look at that.

220. Sorry. Yeah.

221. Hey, thanks again for fighting for them.

222. Helpy to hop out.

223. Leslie Knope. Buddy Wood.

224. Buddy Wood.

225. Glad you could make it. Glad you could make it.

226. Thank you so much for being here,

227. and welcome to the greatest city in the world.

228. Oh, I'm sorry. You were being serious.

229. We're setting up over there.

230. Found a small piece of carpet without a horrifying smellscape.

231. I'll be right there.

232. Hey, do I seem normal to you?

233. Like, does everything seem fine? Yeah, yeah. You seem fine.

234. I seem okay? Uh-huh.

235. I don't seem distracted or babbly or anything?

236. No, it's great. So, you're going to do great.

237. You're going to do smart. What's that?

238. Look who I found. Hey.

239. Professor Linda, this is Chris. Chris, this is...

240. Professor Linda, it is a genuine pleasure to meet you.

241. Oh. You as well.

242. Hi, there. Would you like to hear our specials?

243. No need. Porterhouse, rare, quickly.

244. Same.

245. I'll have the spinach salad. What kind of dressings do you have?

246. Oh. Linda, in case you're interested, I brought my own dressing.

247. You really can't be doing that.

248. Look, this is the last time. I promise.

249. It contains extra virgin olive oil,

250. a little bit of lemon and a hint of turmeric.

251. Sounds great.

252. Pawnee, Indiana. Home to the Sweetums Candy Corporation,

253. nineteen toxic waste repositories and not much else,

254. this sleepy mini-metropolis is the site

255. of a fascinating City Council race.

256. Joining us today is one of the candidates, Leslie Knope.

257. Leslie, welcome to Good Morning.

258. It's my pleasure.

259. Thank you for being on my show.

260. Leslie, we're here at the Pawnee Municipal Airport,

261. which, I must add, is rather decrepit.

262. Well, I'm glad you mentioned it.

263. It is in desperate need of refurbishments,

264. and that is why I am going to make it a centerpiece of my platform.

265. Okay.

266. Take Joe Appledemas over there.

267. Hello. Joe, say hi.

268. Joe has been working here since 1996

269. and his salary has not been raised a nickel.

270. I am going to work very hard to change...

271. Okay. This airport seems, to me, like a metaphor.

272. Are you familiar with the term?

273. Pawnee's airport is symbolic of the town.

274. Out of touch. Out of date, perhaps.

275. Lost, insignificant and sad.

276. Your thoughts.

277. Well, granted, we don't have big city amenities.

278. But I think we more than make up for it

279. with friendly faces and hand-working hards.

280. Hard-working hands.

281. If you say so. I say it's sad. Moving on.

282. Oh, my God. If they got together,

283. they would make the most beautiful super-baby.

284. It would rule us all.

285. But what if super baby became too powerful?

286. I guess we'll just have to take that chance.

287. Chris got dumped by Jerry's daughter.

288. He needs this.

289. Plus, if they get married, he'll spend all his time with her

290. and I might never have to talk to him again.

291. Hmm.

292. Professor Linda, you have really nice arms.

293. Do you work out?

294. I was going to say the exact same thing.

295. But I didn't want you to think that

296. I was objectifying you with my male gaze.

297. May I see? Oh, sure.

298. Oh, my good gracious.

299. You have extraordinary caput laterale.

300. Thank you.

301. There is nothing more important than physical health.

302. I agree.

303. Kendra. Yes.

304. You know what? I am going to have that third steak after all.

305. Go ahead and put that order in now. Please and thank you.

306. Your campaign hit a snag of sorts with the revelation

307. that you and your boss, Ben Wyatt,

308. were having une affaire de coeur.

309. Affair of the heart.

310. Well, I've discussed that many times,

311. and there's really nothing more to say.

312. I would rather talk about the ways

313. to solve problems in this town.

314. Good luck with that.

315. But getting back to your affair with Ben Wyatt,

316. who's now your campaign manager...

317. Buddy, frankly, I don't want to discuss that.

318. But if you'd like, we can talk about ways that I can improve the airport

319. or our many wonderful parks.

320. I don't. I'd like to talk about you and Ben Wyatt.

321. Uh-oh. I know that look.

322. She's got the crazy eyes.

323. Well, like I said, I don't want to discuss it, Buddy.

324. And frankly, I don't appreciate your condescending tone.

325. But you know what? I've had a couple of drinks, so what the hell.

326. Ben and I first...

327. I'm sorry. Ms. Knope, are you inebriated?

328. What? No. Preposterous. Are you inebriated?

329. That was bad timing.

330. This is a Buddy Wood first.

331. An exclusive interview with potential City Councilwoman Leslie Knope,

332. who appears to be drunk right now on camera.

333. I am not drunk.

334. Yes, when you have a jumbo margarita

335. and some flaming tequila shots, you can get drunk.

336. Is it this sad, pathetic town that makes you drink this way?

337. This interview is over.

338. Okay. Ms. Knope.

339. This is not because I'm drunk. This is because of the wires.

340. A fitting end to a bizarre interview

341. and a sad moment in a depressing city with no hope,

342. in the waning moments of the bitter saga

343. that has been a contentious campaign.

344. Come on, Buddy. You cannot air that tape.

345. Are you kidding?

346. This is as great for me as it is terrible for you.

347. The sheep that watch my show are going to eat this up like tiramisu.

348. Tiramisu is an Italian dessert...

349. I know what tiramisu is, okay.

350. And sheep don't eat it.

351. Sorry, but tomorrow morning,

352. this gets broadcast around the entire Indiana-sphere.

353. Thank you for celebrating the most ultimate triumph of my life.

354. I am very proud of me.

355. And you are, too.

356. And, Professor, I'm taking your class again next semester

357. and I'm going to lock down that P plus.

358. It's impossible.

359. You and the women taught me that nothing is impossible.

360. I better be going. I have to get up early.

361. Goodbye.

362. I'm teaching a morning Zumba class for retirees.

363. Before I do, Linda, do you enjoy land kayaking?

364. It's quite fun. Well, it's more grueling than fun.

365. But I would love to take you.

366. I'm really flattered, but I just got out of a relationship,

367. and I think I need a little more time before I jump into anything.

368. Of course. I understand. I'm sorry.

369. I appreciate your caution. Thank you.

370. I hope to see you again.

371. Goodbye, everyone.

372. Anybody want to go to J.J.'s for some after-dinner omelets?

373. Or how about you and I go back to my place?

374. Yes.

375. Wow!

376. Ben, I am so sorry.

377. Let's just focus on the problem.

378. Now, if we don't stop that interview from airing in the morning,

379. this campaign is dead.

380. So, we have to go to Indianapolis.

381. And do what?

382. I don't know, Tom.

383. I guess we'll just set fire to the studio or something.

384. That's so sweet. I've never had a boyfriend

385. threaten to commit arson for me before.

386. Uh, it gets old.

387. We still have six hours rental time on the hot tub limo.

388. We could take that. No one will have to drive all night.

389. That's actually a good idea.

390. Plus, it allows for the possibility of high-speed skinny dipping.

391. Ann, I was joking. Come on. It was a joke.

392. Oh, okay, that's funny.

393. Where are we going, folks? Drive around, hit the strip clubs?

394. Yeah! No.

395. We're going to this address in Indianapolis.

396. Really? Yeah.

397. You know, no one's ever used this hot tub limo for actual transportation.

398. I can't take this thing on the highway,

399. so it will take a few extra hours.

400. Hey, is this a seven or a one?

401. Jerry.

402. Jerry.

403. Maybe you should wrap it up. It's 4:00 in the morning.

404. Is it really? Yeah.

405. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Well, that flew by, huh?

406. I will just take these down to the post office and put the...

407. Jeez. Oh, no.

408. I put the handout fliers in the mailing envelopes.

409. And I was supposed to put these fliers in the envelopes.

410. Oh, my God.

411. Well, you know, it's like I always say.

412. It ain't government work if you don't have to do it twice.

413. Here we go!

414. I'll make some coffee.

415. Hey, you're blocking my driveway.

416. Leslie Knope? What are you doing? Hi, um...

417. Mr. Wood, I'm so sorry.

418. Oh, my God. I can't see. It's so bright out here.

419. We drove here to ask you...

420. No, to beg you to please destroy that tape.

421. Yeah, I got your 50 messages.

422. Leslie was just out with her friends blowing off some steam.

423. What?

424. Please. Please. Please, please, please. That's five pleases.

425. As much as I enjoy the groveling,

426. I can't destroy the tape because I don't have it.

427. Because your sad, tiny, backwater airport lost my bags.

428. Oh, really?

429. You'd think a commuter airport could handle

430. the luggage of 11 people at once,

431. but apparently not.

432. Completely ruined a great story.

433. Thank God for that mitten factory tragedy. Yeah.

434. Okay. Great. Okay.

435. Then, we should.. . Let's... Goodbye. We're going to go.

436. Ah, screw it.

437. Fun Ben lives.

438. April, Andrew, good morning to you both.

439. Donuts. Go nuts.

440. Hey. You kids need any money? No.

441. Go buy yourself a Walkman. How much is a Walkman nowadays?

442. Probably more than $20. Here's $25.

443. Hey, guys. I just wanted to come by

444. and thank you for a phenomenal evening.

445. Yeah. Seems like we all had a phenomenal evening.

446. And I should probably thank you for introducing me to Linda.

447. I think we had a deep emotional connection that is very worth exploring.

448. So, I'm going to ask her out again, once she's emotionally ready.

449. Hey, Ron. Great red shirt.

450. Dude, Ron, you have to tell him what happened.

451. Why? It's none of his business.

452. Because he's been super sad lately.

453. Kind of seems like you should at least give him a heads-up

454. so he doesn't get rejected again.

455. I like to not get involved in these matters, or any matters, of any nature.

456. You know, Ron, someone once told me

457. that this is not how grownups deal with tough situations.

458. We face them head-on.

459. Fine.

460. Oh, my God, Ron. It was you who told me that.

461. That's crazy.

462. There's that shirt.

463. Look, Chris. After the bar last night,

464. I engaged in consensual activities with Linda.

465. I see.

466. I didn't plan it, but it occurred.

467. Now you know.

468. Well, thank you for being forthright and telling me.

469. You're a good man, Ron.

470. I'm quite lonely.

471. They say to win an election,

472. you have to be good and you have to be lucky.

473. I got pretty damn lucky when I met Ben.

474. And I'm lucky that Ann and Tom and all my other friends

475. volunteered to help me out.

476. And I'm super lucky that that tape disappeared.

477. I think we may have used up all our luck tonight.

478. Actually, not all of it.

479. He's about to get lucky.

480. It's on.

481. He doesn't even know it yet.

482. Hey. Hey, sweetheart.

483. I'm not sure you're even aware of this,

484. but we have now gone 48 hours without breaking up.

485. Shattering our previous record.

486. That's not bad.

487. To celebrate...

488. Oh, please don't. Whatever this is, I don't want it.

489. Just a little 48-hour anniversary gift.

490. Okay.

491. Condoms. 48 of them.

492. A different flavor for each hour.

493. Yeah. We're not dating anymore. Okay? Get out.

494. No. Wait. Don't punish me. I took a risk. Yeah.

495. Yeah. Bye.